SI

Flower at my psychiatrist’s office

Okay, I had a little slip-up. It’s barely a scratch. But it was intentional. Why didn’t I just blog or try taking some anti-anxiety medicine? I have been doing so well for so long. I just felt so insane and out of control.

Of course it followed the same pattern. Pain. Relief. Crying. Glad that I had done it. Keep doing it after I’ve calmed down because it was such a calm, peaceful moment. Pang of anxiety for when my uncle sees a bandaid (I’m sure as hell going to keep a sleeve on; I really can’t take his opinions at the moment. He seems a bit crabby lately because I’ve been doing such a lousy job going to work / working lately. Or it’s in my head). Even calmed down, I cried a little more. Now I’m calm, stable (low) and feeling the sting in my arm, which I like, because it means it’s there.

Why did I feel insane?

Theory time! (I love theories.) Of which there are 7:

1. Most of my thoughts have been centered around scaring “Joe” away, because I was pretty damn crazy yesterday. And because I happen to hope to keep him as a friend very much. The more I fear the alienation, the more crazy I feel, and it went completely out of control. [This is the same shit that’s cycled in my head every time I’ve tried to have a friend since College.]
2. I clicked on a link earlier. It looked like a harmless web link. I did not know it was going to redirect me to my Facebook account. There it is, in my face.
3. Wellbutrin withdrawal. Or, what if I can’t handle life without it? Ah, more thoughts that could go out of control, there!
4. Got to add on that I did decline my regular therapy this week, for financial reasons. But I did see the psychiatrist that day instead.
5. Also, “THE MOVE” is starting here at work. I’m supposed to have boxed everything up. Have I started? No.
6. MY BODY. My period was 8 days late, which is unheard of for me (for the past decade, at least). Two days ago I had diarrhea all day. Yesterday I didn’t feel hunger until 9pm (and then the mood swings went crazy). And today, severe mood swings again. WHAT is going on with my body…?
   1. Maybe it’s the iron…?
   2. Maybe it’s the Wellbutrin withdrawal…?
7. Alien abduction. (What? I needed a 7th, okay?)

:: Life! ::

So, I’m going to leave work. And I’m just going to practice guitar again. No computer. No movies with my uncle (although I love that). Just guitar, and sketch if I can make myself.