Okay, I had a little slip-up. It’s barely a scratch. But it was intentional. Why didn’t I just blog or try taking some anti-anxiety medicine? I have been doing so well for so long. I just felt so insane and out of control.
Of course it followed the same pattern. Pain. Relief. Crying. Glad that I had done it. Keep doing it after I’ve calmed down because it was such a calm, peaceful moment. Pang of anxiety for when my uncle sees a bandaid (I’m sure as hell going to keep a sleeve on; I really can’t take his opinions at the moment. He seems a bit crabby lately because I’ve been doing such a lousy job going to work / working lately. Or it’s in my head). Even calmed down, I cried a little more. Now I’m calm, stable (low) and feeling the sting in my arm, which I like, because it means it’s there.
Why did I feel insane?
Theory time! (I love theories.) Of which there are 7:
- Most of my thoughts have been centered around scaring “Joe” away, because I was pretty damn crazy yesterday. And because I happen to hope to keep him as a friend very much. The more I fear the alienation, the more crazy I feel, and it went completely out of control. [This is the same shit that’s cycled in my head every time I’ve tried to have a friend since College.]
- I clicked on a link earlier. It looked like a harmless web link. I did not know it was going to redirect me to my Facebook account. There it is, in my face.
- Wellbutrin withdrawal. Or, what if I can’t handle life without it? Ah, more thoughts that could go out of control, there!
- Got to add on that I did decline my regular therapy this week, for financial reasons. But I did see the psychiatrist that day instead.
- Also, “THE MOVE” is starting here at work. I’m supposed to have boxed everything up. Have I started? No.
- MY BODY. My period was 8 days late, which is unheard of for me (for the past decade, at least). Two days ago I had diarrhea all day. Yesterday I didn’t feel hunger until 9pm (and then the mood swings went crazy). And today, severe mood swings again. WHAT is going on with my body…?
- Maybe it’s the iron…?
- Maybe it’s the Wellbutrin withdrawal…?
- Alien abduction. (What? I needed a 7th, okay?)
:: Life! ::
So, I’m going to leave work. And I’m just going to practice guitar again. No computer. No movies with my uncle (although I love that). Just guitar, and sketch if I can make myself.