Major insomnia

I can’t sleep. I’m too anxious. I’m upset, I’m stressed, I’m disappointed. And I’m sick with a head cold. So I really need to be asleep.

I’m obsessing. I need to let things go. I doubt anyone reads these anymore. I am still not back to it as my obsessive interest, so I haven’t spent time on other people’s blogs (which is not to say I’m disinterested in the people I used to follow; I would like to still know what is up for you, but I cannot read).

I cannot click the links. I cannot spend time. I cannot change my mind from a certain topic; I’m obsessed. I’ve been obsessed for a while but I didn’t mind before; it had healthy benefits before (it still does). But now the unhealthy, life-disrupting aspects are negatively impacting me extremely enough that I can’t stand it. I have to either quit or seriously draw back from it. Restrict my time “for real”. I could uninstall the app.

What would my day be like tomorrow with the app uninstalled? I would wake up (hopefully on the later side, since I’m sick and still awake). I would eat breakfast more calmly (yes, EVEN THOUGH I haven’t caught a shiny flower-headband eevee that was only available for two days and disappears tomorrow afternoon and won’t return for at least a year).

Where was I? Oh yes, I would eat a way calmer breakfast. Then, I will put away the clean dishes and pick up my stuff from around the house (especially everything I have strewn around in the bathroom). Then, I would finish the photo book that is due tomorrow.

Wow, and then it would be time to start on chapter two of my class. It’s strange. My semester doesn’t begin until Friday, yet I have felt like an utter and complete slack-off failure for the past week, since I finished my previous class early.

That’s because I’m unemployed, and I know perfectly damn well that I’m not behaving like a full-time student. I’m behaving like a slack-off no-good leach of … whatever. You get my point. The pressure is there to be productive and make progress. I already took a vacation the week before (for real, I went on a vacation).

I have needed to write here. I already feel about a thousand times better than at any recent point. But there is something about clicking on links that I dislike. Going to website, reading, doing. I don’t know how to explain it. I hate doing almost anything over the Internet. I only read this one chat site (about the game, of course), and watch YouTube videos. Oh, and read my online textbooks. But I hate visiting other websites. I hate trying to figure out where to click, what things mean, how to navigate different sites, etc. I’d much rather take care of business over the telephone. Which is weird, since I hate talking on the phone. But I do most things over the phone, even if there’s a website that would probably take much less time (but it would take so much more brain power and I’d get confused and frustrated and have to read tiny print and find the right buttons to click and all that). Yuck.

I feel different about all of that than I used to. When I was in high school and the first years of college, I felt pretty damn pro at navigating the Internet. EVERYTHING was better online. Now I’ll avoid it whenever I can. It’s just too MUCH.

But then, I used to be really organized with my emails and stuff. Now, conversely, I remain with thousands of unread emails and I only check email every couple of weeks. I used to check a couple of times an hour! Well, it used to match with my obsessiveness and now it doesn’t. All emails used to have a nice little folder I could organize them into and now they don’t. I don’t know if life changed or if it’s mostly been my brain that’s changed.

But thank heavens for this space. I don’t come here often. In large part, there is my fear over how transparent I’ve been. If certainly people read this blog, they would know me instantly. I haven’t been subtle and have shared a lot that I probably shouldn’t have.

I could start a fresh blog again, elsewhere, but I suspect that the same thing would happen. So I don’t really know what I’m doing with this blog. It’s been too revealing, and gives me an opportunity to reveal too much in the future. But it sure helps me a ton in the present.

Anyway, so I have two choices for tomorrow.

  1. I could wake up and be completely obsessive and try as hard as fucking possible for that shiny flower crown eevee. I could forgive myself for taking my last day off before my new semester begins the following day. I could run lures and incense while putting away the dishes and picking up my stuff and eating breakfast. And then, I could go out into the world of obsession and really go all out, finding all of the lured hotspots and going nuts until the event ends in the afternoon.
  2. Or, as I said somewhere in the above paragraphs, I could uninstall the app. I could breathe deeply and calmly. I could eat a peaceful, simple, non-multi-tasked breakfast. I could put away the dishes, pick up my stuff, and still feel calm. I could start reading chapter two (I’m getting a small head start on the next semester).

There’s nothing inbetween. Can you imagine an inbetween? I can’t. I don’t know what that would look like. Get up, eat breakfast, put away dishes, pick up my stuff, all without the app running? But it wouldn’t be calm. It would be anxious and neurotic. I would feel anxiety the entire time, fearing that I was missing out on my last chances of finding that damn, impossible creature.

Then there’s this other aspect of the game that’s stressing me out but I don’t think it’s something that I can share here, since it’s revealing. I wish that I could write about it but I won’t.

It’s interesting. When I’m at my parents’ house, much of the app seems far away. There are still certain things I’m obsessed about, but many things I just let fall away. But when I’m here, I have to try or … or what? Who cares? What difference will it make? One day, this whole thing will be obsolete and none of what I’ve collected will still be with me. None of it. But hopefully the friendships and contacts will somehow remain. I don’t know how many of them could, but I hope they do. New goal: No shinies during events.

Wow. This has been a real relief. I’m going to go pee again, blow my nose, and then attempt sleep.

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Personal mental illness day

First of all, my breast lump was a benign, liquid-filled cyst, so that’s good. It’s about half its largest size now, and is not painful anymore. It seems to have stopped getting smaller. They say it can last a couple of months or perhaps get larger and smaller for the rest of time. If it becomes too painful for me to bear again, they can drain it, but said there would be a 3 in 5 chance of it refilling. So I elected not to do so, as it is not presently painful.

Preface before the rest of the post: I’m sick today and yesterday. Lost my voice, kind of a sore throat, totally exhausted. Also, a hint of vertigo and a lot of dissociation / out of body experiences.

Today is a wretched, miserable day and yet it didn’t begin that way. It was a perfectly happy morning. Yesterday was difficult. I don’t know what except that I lost my voice and felt EXHAUSTED. So I might be having allergies, flu, and something else as well. Because now my own mental processes have kicked in and my negative thoughts have been spiraling out of control. And since I haven’t had any private time until this instant, which I had to force, I have been feeling blind and like I am swinging around an ax to get people to give me space.

Loosely translated, what I mean is that my partner and I have had some negative exchanges today. It actually got REALLY bad for a while. But come on, I wanted to be left alone and you just wouldn’t. I was already in tears.

Oh well. I am tired. I don’t know if I have a flu or not. Certainly my throat is sore but that could be allergies. Certainly I’m exhausted beyond words. But I wish so much that you would just see when I am sick and not take it all out of control and make it all like we still have to have this serious conversation THIS INSTANT but that I will take like 4 or 5 days to recover and then we can have the conversation. Instead of hurting me and basically forcing me to hurt you, too, because I’m backed into a corner with no other way but to grit my teeth and cry and say shit to get through. Ridiculous. This can’t happen ever again.

So not okay.

So I’ve had like an hour of ALONE time now and that has been a relief. I’m going to take some anxiety medicine, just in case there’s a mental illness element to this yuckiness.

 

I’m back and getting re-centered

Hi all, I was gone out of town for a while. It was awesome in every way. I saw tons of family, including my parents. I walked the beach. I met my little cousins-once-removed or whatever they are.

Then, my mom and I went to a music workshop that was so wonderful. We also had two members of my mom’s music group join. I learned a ton and the area was nice and the food was great and the instructors were SO nice and blah blah blah. Wonderful.

Now I’m back and I’m still retaining motivation to practice music and I’m still motivated to play Pokémon Go but I haven’t gotten back into gardening yet and I haven’t gotten back into schoolwork yet. I’m volunteering at the animal shelter still, though, but I haven’t been very timely as of late.

I also need to clean up this bedroom. What a pig sty.

The garden has gotten ignored by me for a couple of reasons. One, when I got back, the lettuce has all become huge and kind of … old. I think it needs to be trimmed back to 2 inches and allowed to regrow. Maybe the new leaves won’t be bitter?

Peas in a pod

Mmm peas

Second, the peas have been allowed to fall forward and become completely, unmanageably tangled into the plants in front of it. So I can’t even get into them anymore. It’s just a low tangle of pea plants now. If weeds grow inbetween, I can’t get to them. If there are bugs that need to be picked, I can’t see them. I can’t even see all of the peas themselves that are growing. So I don’t know what to do with them. and thus have kind of been ignoring them. I have forgotten to water the garden twice and the lettuce suffered. 😦 But, one of these days, I’ll at least deal with the lettuce.

Wood duck in water

Wood duck

I still Pokéwalk with “Joe” each Monday and that’s one of my favorite things to do. I’ve been meeting tons and tons of people due to the new Pokémon Go Raids needing certain minimum numbers of people in order to achieve them. It’s been great. But I did meet one person who has physical boundary issues and I’m going to have to address it verbally next time he and I happen to be walking the same areas. “Stand/sit at least 3 feet from me at all times.” I guess when you meet enough people, some are bound to bring something challenging to the table.

I have a head cold right now but I still have energy so I’m still going out. I wore a mask when on public transit yesterday, just in case I were to start coughing (didn’t end up coughing, thankfully).

Note to folks who like to have empty seats next to them on public transit: Wear a very obvious mask. You will likely have a lot of space left just for you.

Okay. Goals for myself:
* Laundry
* Water garden (cut some of the old lettuce?)
* Get halfway into Topic2 homework
* Try another Moltres raid 😉 (PokémonGo)

Pure and utter shit

Damn. So following my last post, things were smooth. I mean, several days in a row were smooooth. I almost made myself post about them. Things were going so nicely. I love my new job. I’m staying caught up in one class.

Then boom. Sickness hits. It’s just a minor head cold. The sore throat (my trigger) passed within 24-ish hours, so very little panic and whatnot. Sniffles, no biggie. Cough, no chest pain. Post-nasal-drip during the night for several nights in a row, so hardly any sleep, terrible but survivable. Then I picked up some cold medicine and it let me sleep through the night for two nights, pretty much. I haven’t needed to use it again since then because although the cough & nose are still productive, it’s not that bad.

Slipping. I’m slipping. Emotionally. This other class happened last Saturday and again today. The time inbetween has … okay not been the best. This class has assigned papers and too many for a one-week period (I did… um 2. The short ones. The rest, are now officially overdue). Okay that could certainly be a trigger. My bf tried to tell me this but I refused to listen (i.e. I thought he was wrong and wasn’t listening to ME because I kept saying it’s just this damn cold and once I feel better, I’ll be on top of my stuff again). No, I should have listened. It’s was a big, motherfucker trigger.

So now? My energy has been leaving more and more every day. It’s this goddamn virus, I swear it is. I checked last night too — I took anti-anxiety medicine just in case that would clear things up and I’d be able to focus on the paper. But no, it didn’t help.

Mono. If any of you have had mono before, that is how I’ve been feeling lately. Like I have the energy level I had back when I had mono. In other words, capable of going about some zombie resemblance of a day and then CRASH. NOTHING left. NO words, NO thought, NO movement. I felt like my body was dying.

But it wasn’t truly until today that shit is hitting. It is hitting me. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong, altogether. I walked myself to the ER tonight. I didn’t check in; I just paced in the ER for maybe twenty minutes. I texted with “Joe” from last year. I feel like he’s the only one in my life who is capable of showing sympathy/empathy in the way that I can “feel” so I told him I was in a really bad spot and he listened and asked me what had me so triggered, and that’s the first time I was thinking about it rationally. Like in the sense of triggers. Of course this class with assigned papers is a trigger. Of course the pressure to maintain my straight-A’s from last semester is too much for me. Of course the new job of tutoring and this guy who seems to have a crush on me (but I’ve made it very clear that I have a boyfriend and am not looking) and other students who come in and out and some of them I’m able to help confidently and others it is a real struggle but I am really enjoying that job.

But things with me and my bf are so rough right now. We’re not communicating well and it’s mostly me because I am making things weird and being really touchy. I don’t want advice about it, please — I wish to share what’s happening in my life, but please take it for what it is — I am just sharing — not seeking advice on my relationship. I need to get my head straight again.

I wanted to cut tonight. I don’t know what’s been up. My head is in and out of reality today, this virus, the fog in my brain, reality and dissociation. I was walking to the ER and I looked both ways to cross the street and let my mind ponder, because I had started to cross first without looking, I mean the hand sign was green and all that, but of course the small, old voice was there, telling me that if a truck just happened to be coming at me, that would be perfectly fine.

As if nothing matters? I knew something was going wrong this week because I stopped flossing my teeth four days ago. That only happens at the start of a a terrible depressed episode.

But I am determined that I am going to get my head on straight, get healed from this awful, energy-sucking virus, and go to a fucking therapist/counselor. I’m thinking of going to the free ones at school this week — I don’t know how good they are but I think it would help to get to talk with someone.

I hadn’t finished talking about how I’m affecting my relationship negatively — I’m so insecure this week, I am positive he is about to break up with me, against all signs. I can’t stand myself, so I’m assuming he can’t stand me and wants me gone. Or is about to want me gone and just doesn’t know about it yet. So I’m interpreting everything poorly, and looking scared this week, and he’s started to be weirded out by it. And I am fighting the urge at every moment to ask, “Do you still like me? Should I leave?” As if my life depends on him liking me? Of course it doesn’t, but it’s still eating at me this week, because of this insecurity and all of this SHIT that’s engulfing my head about me being a yuck person and blah blah blah. What the hell triggered this??? Was it something at work? Was it the terrible, terrible class that I’m now overdue in with several papers? Did it make me feel like a failure and I’m shifting that feeling into my personal life?

I walked back from the ER and the sky was still clear and the weather perfect. I came back in, bf said hi but was still watching some TV news with his mom, so I went out back and hung out on the back porch and chatted for a minute with a neighbor who is somewhere around my age. Mostly I just stared up at the sky and asked God[] to please let my breath be used by someone who is more stable than I. Someone more deserving. Then I did stop and wonder, am I feeling like I’m undeserving because I’m not emotionally stable? That it makes me less deserving of a human? That’s not very fair or nice. So I begged, Please empty out this shell of body and use it for something worth while.

It would be nice.

Anxiety medicine FTW

Well. Mysteries of the universe solved.

I’m still on the remnant half life of the dose of anxiety medicine I took last night and I feel woonnnddeerrful. I’m able think, I’m able to leave my apartment, I’m able to walk around, I’m able to do schoolwork.

The thinking is important. My brain is actually turning, slightly. Not like on a great day, but on an almost-human day.

What a relief.

I’ll forgive myself if I end up needing anxiety medicine from now until I have located a new job and have moved. This is my last week in my belovedly awesome apartment, btw.

I am actually in a class right now. I just asked a question. I love that after I ask a question, usually someone else asks a question, too. I think sometimes people are afraid to interrupt lecture but the prof doesn’t mind. She’s super nice. I like that I can be an ice breaker for others.

My extreme anxiety and depression lately has really poisoned things between me and my partner. It sucks. I hope that after I get a new job and after I settle into his mother’s house, I hope we can salvage things. Because he’s a great guy, I don’t actually want to scrap this. I’d like to see about working on things again. But it’s been hard when I have no smile inside of me, no motivation to get out of bed, and nothing that is a positive or hopeful for me. That really messes with a relationship.

But on the very last remnants of this clonazepam, life looks easier again. Things make more sense. I don’t think my panic had really hit until the last day of work happened and I moved everything out. I’ve been fallen apart since then. I didn’t even know it was my last day of work until I got there. So that was like, not a lot of transitional time. Me & sudden change? Not so hot.

My self-identity was tied up in that a bit. I didn’t realize it, but I’ve been in a lost, gray world since then. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted or what this was all about. I was just floating and lifeless and gray and foggy and fuzzy and in a gray nothingness in a way I can never hope to explain to someone not presently or recently experiencing it.

Moral is: Anxiety medicine will be my friend this week. Don’t feel shame. And don’t judge me, you. I don’t need it.

I need to be able to think clearly enough to apply for new, part-time work and pack up my stuff from the apartment.

Peace out.

Dump

If I watch you, I’m jealous.
Is there anything I’m not jealous of?

Is there any way I can someday be okay with myself as I am?
Accept myself for what I am?

There are things I can do that you’ll never be able to do.

They’re things in an empathy spectrum. I can feel like nothing else. But it’s not healthy.

I can hear a story of someone else’s suffering and feel the pain as my own pain. It IS my own pain.

But I hear the click-clack of the keys and I can see the rapid switching of windows and lines of text appearing and disappearing in nano seconds. I’ll never be able to do that. And that’s only one, tiny thing.

I’m not sure my life is here. I’m detaching but it’s a bad time to detach because my whole life feels unstable at present.

It’s my anxiety.

My heart keeps beating at the wrong rhythm. I don’t know if it’s from fucking with my thyroid levels over the last month or so, or if it’s all from anxiety.

I’m weak, I’m shaky, I have this chronic look of fatigue and worry on my face. I’ve gained weight and hold it in my face, which is a location that makes me uncomfortable because it makes smiling more difficult.

I made myself go on a walk today. I accidentally missed school. I’m irritated that I still mis-spell the word “accidentally”. You can’t tell because of spell-check, but I’m a phonetic speller and tonight, even that is worth me feeling like shit. Like I’m in my 30’s and still can’t spell a word I’ve written a thousand times before. TALLY. Accident, which I can spell, usually. smashed with TALLY.

It’s funny because I’ve been practicing learning Spanish lately, and the spelling is killing me. I’m a phonetic speller in English, how am I supposed to become precise in Spanish? Ah well, remember, it’s just for fun.

Approximations are as good as it gets.

And what is good in life right now? I may have slept through school but I ate good food. Some of which was nutritious (I hate spelling). I made myself go on a long walk. It was a bit chilly out today but I dressed warmly and the sky was blue and the sun was bright. I wish I had let more sun onto my skin; I suspect I’m shy on Vitamin D again.

I made myself a goal. There’s this place nearby that sells an amazing GF oatmeal chocolate chip cookie. So I went walking with the end of goal of buying one. I ended up also studying my Accounting chapter. Thankfully, tomorrow’s test got postponed. That is good because I wasn’t truly prepared for it.

Now I’ve been doing computer class homework for several hours. I’ve finally taken a little bit of anxiety medicine for the night. Thank God[] for anxiety medicine. I had a little fever when I came back from my walk. My walk also led me to a playground where I swung for a while. I talked with an aunt over the phone. I talked with my mum. I just can’t get out of this grayness and fuzz. My heart won’t normalize and I can’t smile.

I think this is my last week here at this apartment and i also think that really I’m freaking out because of being now unemployed and when I spoke with my brother, he indicated some shock that I would quit one job without having another lined up. That probably freaked me out a lot. But I really had to get out. I can’t entirely type why, since this is public, but if you can trust me that it was the right decision, then trust me and don’t question it.

I think I’m tired of being questioned. Who’s doing the questioning? Me?

I’m making myself write here lately, because I know from experience that writing helps me re-focus and re-ground. And I desperately need to re-ground. Desperately.

While I was home alone, I had religious music playing pretty loudly and I was signing along as loudly as possible. It happens sometimes and I really connected to it. I think that’s what I need right now. I’m going to keep searching for more music that I can feel connected with. I should probably trying praying and such too. I just don’t know if my incredible grayness and fuzz and inability to smile or leave the apartment is from crippling anxiety or if I’m just physically ill (the fever has been present for a couple of days). Do people get fevers when anxious? Oh well. I took anxiety medicine and once that kicks in, I imagine that I will find it help a little bit. And I’ll take whatever little bit I can.