Topic: Ear Protection = Bliss

I highly recommend buying ear protection if you have any noise sensitivity. I don’t know what they’re called. They look like giant headphones but they’re for things like shooting ranges. I wear them all the time now. I wear them on the bus, I wear them when washing dishes, I wear them when vacuuming. I wear them when studying and it increases my focus by about a million (but the starting bar was pretty low).

The only issue that I experience is when removing them. Sometimes I get seriously cranky and I just want everyone around me to whisper. Why is life so loud and painful?

These ear protection headphone things don’t block everything out. I’m not listening to silence. It just dims everything way, way down. It’s heavenly.

Advertisements

Up and Down: The story of life

I can see now that I’m not exactly the most emotionally-stable person. If I were updating you regularly, you guys would know it too. Let me tell you a story.

Twice a week, my mornings begin on the campus track, under a great, open sky. Several times, it’s even been sunny and warm. But on these track mornings, we run here, we run there, we stop and stretch. We stop and slump. We stop and practice un-slumping. We slump and greet each other. We stand tall and great each other. We ground ourselves downwards for the backside and upwards for the front side of our bodies. Our heads touch the sky. We run more. We walk briskly. And as I run, I see the gulls and crows and pigeons and some other birds. I see the clouds and feel the sky. I breathe the air and feel amazing. That’s life. UP.

Let me tell you a story. Four times a week, I am now getting paid a minimum wage to help tutor Accounting 1 students. This can range from nobody needing my help, in which case I can do my own homework, or certain people needing intense help. I am a Helper by nature. Shyness and asperger are both irrelevant if I am trying to help someone. It’s awkward when I don’t have the words or I know what I want to say but can’t form it into a sentence. It’s hard to think of other ways of explaining a concept someone is struggling with. But I whip out my computer and search online for many explanations and then find the words to string it all together, sometimes. Sometimes I am able to find a way of explaining something and the person has a lightbulb moment. Those moments are wonderful. UP.

At other times, it can take me a long time to remember how to work out a certain type of problem. But I am happy so long as I don’t mislead or give wrong information to anyone. I have helped people come to correct answers several times now, so that is really, really cool. UP.

I had six combined hours of tutoring time where nobody was asking for my help, and I was able to do my Accounting 2 homework. When it came time for my Accounting 2 class, I had studied so much that I was able to do ALL of the in-class assignments without any real problems! I felt quite amazed. UP.

Here’s another story. I am taking a Beginning Piano class. It meets many times during the week. The chords are hard for me and the posture is something I work on, but I already know how to read notes and count rhythm so a lot of class is very … well, boring. So last class period, a student with a guide-dog-for-the-blind entered the room and asked to join. He asked to have a student who could sit with him all semester and help him stay on track, because he can’t read the music. I volunteered. First of all, his dog was incredibly adorable and sweet. Second of all, I was having too much time on my hands during class anyway (I’ve already practiced the book for many lessons ahead of where we’re currently at). So helping him starting today during class, and it was very interesting for me. He taught me how to find the same chord up along the keyboard easily by knowing the number of white notes between the left and right hand. I helped him learn the G7 chord we were working on in class. He’ll just have to learn the melodies by ear, but I could assist his learning the two chords, at least. And I sit right by his awesome dog, who sleeps the whole class period. UP.

The story is going to start to change soon. I’m just warning you.

So I bought a cheapo guitar the other day. I can’t justify the purchase but I’ve been playing it every single day since then and having great fun. I became obsessed with guitar again after hearing the song, “Burning House” by Cam. The piano music for it cost money, but the guitar tab was free online. Of course, the guitar cost more than the piano music would have…but anyway. Now I’m learning “Closer” by Travis on the guitar and it’s lovely. My mom is also teaching me the fingerings for alto recorder via FaceTime, which is challenging. But I’ve been meaning to do that for years. She calls this time period “another of my manic music phases”. UH OH.

I wish I could begin to tell you another story, but this one is so confusing, I just don’t know what to make of it. There’s a story about my boyfriend and myself, and maybe even his mother. I don’t know where he and I stand at the moment. I’m going to use some buzzwords and say my “love tank” is running on empty. In other words, he’s not SHOWING me love in the way I am capable of FEELING loved. I believe it is happening the other way around, as well. Sometimes he comes home from work and I’m too uncertain and awaiting and don’t make any first moves. I just wait. What am I waiting for? Him to sweep me up off my feet and spin me around and say how wonderful it is to see me again?

Life was different when we lived in the apartment with his old roommate. Our lives were different. There were times when I came home and went to the grocery store and tried to cook parts of meals for our dinner. He would try to arrange his schedule to come home earlier and he’d help with other parts of the meals. He frequently played piano. I did homework and what else did I do? Play with Curie the cat? I vacuumed a lot.

Now, what is going on? He comes home and he always greets me but I am not always initially warm toward him. I feel a “waiting” inside, like waiting to see what the rest of the evening will be like, waiting to see what’s up. One time, I was smack in the middle of re-writing some guitar chords for a song that someone else had written out incorrectly, and he came in and immediately started to read to me my Accounting textbook and ask me questions about it — which is awesome and helpful from one standpoint, but it wasn’t what I was doing right then and there — I was finishing a personal project. So I don’t know, I don’t think I handled it very well, just trying to get us to go downstairs and help his mother with dinner because I couldn’t handle trying to suddenly switch my brain over and think about Accounting. But then I spent the rest of the evening worrying if I’d disappointed him or something.

But then there are also the times when he comes home, and he always greets me, and frankly I am not always warm toward him, and he spends most of the evening talking/discussing/debating/arguing politics with his mom. Or they watch the TV downstairs together and they’re both on their electronic devices, like she’ll be on her laptop doing research and he’ll either be on his laptop or reading news and stuff off of his phone. And I just go upstairs and listen to “Welcome to Night Vale” or music. Or now, I play guitar up here.

I do join them a lot, for various TV shows, like we are in the process of watching all of the Doc Martin episodes from start to finish. I don’t mean to say I always avoid them but sometimes, I really can’t handle the talking any more.

I’m handling my homesickness by talking with my mom over the telephone nearly every single day now. Sometimes I get to hear my dad’s hilarious background commentary. For example, yesterday I made my mom listen to me struggle through an easy Bach piece on piano. I must have been on speakerphone because at the end, my dad said, “Bach is rolling over in his grave!” But it’s SO funny when he says these things because he can’t keep a straight face even as he’s saying it, so he was cracking himself up while trying to say it to me. I love my parents so much.

My boyfriend is meeting me for my nighttime class each week. That’s pretty amazingly awesome. I was too afraid to take the class, and it’s across the city from the usual campus, but he said he’d meet me there after class and we’d bus home together. It’s been working. I was 15 minutes late to class last time, since I’m still very anxious about attending the night class, but at least I made it.

So I haven’t been spelling it out for you very well, but I get down sometimes. Just down. I’m not suicidal right now. I’m not even particularly self-injurious, with the exception of a very shit non-communication that took place when my bf got home late from work last night. I worked through it in a healthy way, though. I took care of some chores downstairs, thus making myself available should he wish to find me, and then going into the bathroom, closing the door, putting in some earbuds and jamming out to a current favorite song fairly loudly and with much dancing. I painted some of my fingernails between dancing. By the time he sought me out, he found me perfectly happy and having a personal dance/nail party and he was creeping in with a very anxious look on his face like he was so worried about whatever it was that had happened. I don’t know. We are just kind of shit for communication, but a lot of it is I’m finding myself reverting back to OLD PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR AND WITHDRAWING. That ain’t fair to anyone, and it’s not adult, rational, assertive behavior, and it’s not fair to ME. So it’s not what I want.

So it turns out that I misunderstood but one of my old TaskRabbits actually asked me out on a date like a month or two ago. At the time, I just responded letting him know who he was speaking with — I thought he’d written to the wrong innerdragon! But I later clarified, it was me! So that’s flattering but, I’m still into my boyfriend. I know we’re in a phase right now that’s going to require some killer hard work to pull our shit out of, but I still think it’s worth it. If that scale tips, well, then suck. I hope the scale doesn’t tip.

But the biggest downer in my life right now is the communication shit my boyfriend and I are going through. He sounded pretty amazed when last night, finally deciding to take some clonazepam, I was like, do you even like me? Do you even like spending time with me? Because I can’t tell. And long story short, that’s something we’re going to have to work on, because he does like me, of course, and want to be with me, but he’s going to have to learn how to show it in the ways I can FEEL again, because this ain’t working for me right now. And I told him we’re going to need to set aside some evenings for just reconnecting, like going on a walk-and-talk together or stuff like that, where we can just talk, because I feel disconnected from him, just waiting and wondering what the hell is going on. I was upset the other day when his mom was asking him over dinner about some training he’d done that day, and I was completely in the dark on that. So he had obviously told her about it and not me. The woes of living with your SO’s mother, let me tell you. And I was really upset about it and then…. I realized, I had talked on the phone with my own mom for like an hour that same day, and she knew all KINDS of things about my day that my bf has no idea about…. So then it was a little harder to blame him for that oversight. 😉

Anyway. Stay strong. Stay attending the classes. One of these days, I’m going to have to do that OTHER class’s homework — the one I’ve been avoiding because my book didn’t arrived until two days ago and the font hurts my eyes. But the disability center JUST sent me a copy of the whole thing as a PDF, so now I can have my computer read it to me. No more excuses for avoiding it.

…Unless you count that the software that came with it (and is necessary for the class) is for PC only, and I have a Mac… Ah life.

Note to my dear readers: Kindly REFRAIN from leaving any analysis of my relationship with my bf. There is so much more I would write if only I didn’t fear the judgements I sometimes receive on here. Please allow me to document my life here without fear of being told what I’m doing wrong and what you would do differently if you were me. Thank you for understanding!!

Mixen’ up

Today was all right. I went to classes. But at home, I didn’t go to the grocery store (desperately needed). And I haven’t done homework. I did practice Spanish a little bit, for fun. And I ate a bowl of freeze-dried noodles and freeze-dried vegetable chunks. I then ate soy yogurt and homemade GF granola, to which I added cocoa powder with mini chocolate chips in it. And a drop of maple syrup.

Now I’m drinking a supposedly-vanilla-scented sleepy-time tea. My bf wrote that he’s on his way home. That’s when I realized I hadn’t actually done any homework nor have I started to pack. Nor have I done really anything, and that’s exactly when my anxiety SPIKED again. I mean out of control. I’m weak again, my heart is fluttering rather than beating. I can’t think or process or do anything. I’m scared and gray.

Why? Because once he’s home, the lack of having packed up anything becomes real? Because once he’s home, the lack of homework gotten done becomes real? I did make some quinoa. It’s cold now, on the stove top with a lid on it so it can be reheated. But I no longer feel like it. He’s been having to work really late lately; that’s why we haven’t gone to the grocery store. I love that he has such an immense work ethic. Last night, I was doing homework and he was doing work from home until I couldn’t anymore and I fell asleep. He kept going until midnight and then we went to bed.

I guess it’s not that late here yet but it’s so dark outside. It feels late. And I have an exhaustion beyond words. It’s this anxiety. It’s wearing me down.

I have to make a change. This isn’t working and it isn’t a life. It isn’t MY life.

  • I looked at a lot of job listings today. There is one in particular, with a well-known animal rescue organization, that actually sounds doable for me. I will need to fill out an application, cover letter, and alert my references. I should still have a resume copy laying around from a few months ago. I need to submit for this job because it would be very good for me. The main downside is that it is weekends, which I wanted to avoid.
  • But frankly, my partner & I have been having an issue with our conflicting executive function difficulties as of late. It’s making it hard to be productive on the weekends as is. Last weekend, I did my damn best to write down a list of possible things we could do, as requested. I gave it to him and expected he would choose several and place them in some sort of order for the day. Instead, we just sort of did some things at random and then he was really frustrated at the end of the day for having had no feeling of progressing toward anything. We hadn’t communicated well. When I had given him that list, I expected him to take the next step. He was expecting ME to decide the order of events I wanted to do, and tell him what to do. I want him to tell me what to do. If I had the skills to choose my own damn schedule, I wouldn’t be in this mess of a life in the first place.
  • I’m gaining weight, particularly in the face which I hate. Next semester, I am going to sign up for an exercise class. I suspect I’ll do weight-lifting, because my mom thinks that’s supposed to help prevent osteoporosis, which I have a higher-than-average likelihood of having when I’m older.
  • Weekends. Do away with weekends. Do away with the potential for conflict. I want us to do our own, separate things on at least one day of the weekend. That way if our one day together is a flop, we can each salvage what we can separately. Scheduling for self alone isn’t as challenging as scheduling for two.
  • Food. I’m not going grocery shopping anymore because it gets darker earlier. Also, I don’t always have the internal motivation to leave my apartment. But I could use savings money and hire a company to fucking DELIVER groceries to me once a week or two. That would surely be cheaper than eating every meal out. I just. can’t. keep doing that.
  • Cats. I picked up a cat tonight and started crying. I’m going to miss this trouble creatures. I’m going to miss the nosy one so much. She’s always in my stuff. She’s always on me or with me if I’m out of my room. She loves me.
  • This weekend. He has a conference this weekend, it turns out. I learned it twenty minutes ago. Why won’t this anxiety medicine hurry up and kick in? I took a little bit just a bit ago, when the panic set in. I thought we were going to be moving our stuff to his mom’s place this weekend. I guess that is not the case; but we will do packing. Somehow. I suppose I’d best just hire someone. I can’t stand the thought of him seeing my lack of packing. He’s offering to skip the conference because moving is more important. But I somehow don’t think that’s the biggest issue.
  • It isn’t timing. It’s … the executing. Can someone PLEASE come out and help me???????????? I’d better hurry up and hire someone from online. I have two old contacts from TaskRabbit. I’ll ask them both if there’s any way they can help me because I just can’t get this started on my own.
  • What the hell is so hard about getting started? The panic! It’s really unbelievable. The gray and the fluttering heart. I don’t think my heart is even beating anymore – it’s just a mere whisper of a tremble. No pulse. I can’t reply back to bf, I won’t be able to smile or say hi to him when he does enter the apartment (soon). This night is going to be really rough if this anxiety medicine doesn’t hurry up and kick in. I’m scared to death.
  • Woops, I have to go now. Thanks for listening.

BOO on the Textbook Publishers who are refusing to enable Text To Speech!!!

BOOOO!! I say, very poorly done, textbook publishers. You were given the “yes” option to enable Text To Speech in your recent textbook editions and you CHOSE to disable the feature. You didn’t just ignore the question — you CHOSE to deny folks from being able to read your textbooks with our ears.

I’m talking to you right now, Cengage Learning.

Here, I’ve sent off my cranky request to them:

“I am a student with reading disabilities. I wanted to rent my textbooks through Amazon’s website this semester. But your books say there is no Text-To-Speech enabled. What can I do about this? I cannot get through a textbook using my eyes. I need my ears.

Must I rely on the Disability Support Services of my school to scan each page of my textbook for me, run it through their own software, and hand me back the audio CD, when it is right there in front of me, in your e-text content, if only you would enable the TTS ability?

If I rent a textbook through your CourseSmart site, will the TTS be available? How do I know?

Thank you,
[innerdragon]”

Assistive Technologies for READING (with your ears)!!!!!

There are some truly amazing technologies out there to help a person READ (or in my case, to HEAR-read).

I want to share a couple of my searches with you guys.


  1. First of all, there is the smart phone voice itself. I can only describe this from the perspective of an iPhone user — but it is quite easy with the iPhone. Settings > General > Accessibility > Speech > And you will find all sorts of wonderful options here!! You can turn on features to speak highlighted text to you, and/or you can turn on a “2-fingered swipe” down from the top of your phone screen to automatically read aloud whatever text is on your screen!! (I LOVE IT.) And most importantly, to me, you can adjust the speed of the voice, and the gender, and even the accent they use! Personally, I find the male voice for U.K. English the least distracting/easiest to follow for me.
    When I 2-finger-swipe down from the top of the screen, a very easy menu pops up so I can adjust the speed of the reading even while it’s reading to me. I can also pause and rewind and such. Fabulous invention.


  2. Next up, I have only tried a couple of apps so far that will READ ALOUD whatever text you happen to have laying around!!! Say you are trying to read a book — you can just use your smartphone, open up this app (my favorite so far is called TurboScannerOCR), and use it to snap a picture of the book page. Then you have the option of adjust the boundaries of the page you want read (for example, maybe you only want a single paragraph read to you, not the whole thing). Then you click OCR on the app, and it turns the picture into text — editable, savable, READ-ALOUD-ABLE words. I am then just 2-finger-swiping down my screen and voilà! It’s all read aloud to me!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!

    This app is FREE and you don’t have to upgrade to use it!!! I personally did pay $2.99 to remove the ads, however, because I love the app so much. I am planning on using it to read aloud any part of my upcoming textbooks that I will need help getting through this semester!!!


  3. This one doesn’t count — it’s not for ear reading. But I want to mention this here really quickly anyway. There are other devices that can help. I wish I’d had this in grade school — I have the “Rivers” reading disorder and this would have been SO wonderful. As it was, I improvised for myself eventually by using a sheet of paper above and below the line of text I was reading. But look at this! Too perfect! And actually, I would still find this useful today. I usually get lazy and use my own hand to block text below the line I’m reading, but this is fabulous and colored layouts are supposed to be useful for some people. This one’s about $20.

    They do come in other colors from other companies, however, and some are only a few dollars (but do not block as much text). There are many options out there — even colored tapes that you can lay down to make your own sort of line highlights as you read.


  4. The Intel Reader, sometimes marketed for people with Dyslexia but also good for other vision/reading issues, looks fabulous. It’s is the most portable I’ve found of these types of devices. It basically snapshots your paper, book page, whatever, turns it to text, and reads it to you. It also displays it on the screen and you can increase the font size or whatever you need to do. This picture doesn’t show how small and basically awesome it is. I watched a video on it in use and it’s pretty amazing. BUUUT it’s going to run you at LEAST $500.


  5. Reading pens. These look just super cool, and SO portable and usable. I’m hesitant to buy one, however, just because it’s only able to “read” the line you’re scanning, obviously. I can’t imagine wanting to go over every line of my textbook like this. I wanted something that can snapshot the whole page and read it aloud to me. But for smaller things or daily things, wouldn’t this be awesome??? I think they’re going to run you like $200. Of course, these have really cool features, like you can look up a word you don’t understand right then and there. It is a dictionary and can give synonyms and all kinds of neato stuff! Some can translate English to Spanish. I’m not sure about other languages.


  6. Now for the ones I wish I could afford because they’d be so EEAASSYY to use once set up!!!!! I mean, check this sucker out. Just set down your book and boom. Text to speech (and magnified or highlighted text on the screen, if you wish to eye-read along). And BOOM, minimum $1700, sometimes MORE.There are other devices along this same line, but they’re all very expensive like this one.

So that’s my list for today!!!!! I think this covers the basic gist of the assistive technologies that I would personally find really useful and great. ENJOY!!!!!

Log: May 16 – 18 (Sat – Mon) down and back up

May 16 (Sat): Cooking and dinner w/ “Peter’s” folks 2p – 9p @his mom’s house
May 17 (Sun): Hiking w/Peter and one of his friends
May 18 (Mon): Work 9:30a – 5:30p; Go to uncle’s house

Hi all,

The last time I wrote was regarding Saturday, I believe. I had a mood crash. I’m pretty damn certain it was the blood sugar because I had missed lunch and then ate junk for a while until a very late dinner. I overdid the refined sugars and all kinds of bad things. I got so insecure during dinner. They’re all biomechanics or something on a microscopic level and everyone was discussing DNA sequencing and all of this really, really amazing stuff but then me and this high schooler who was also there were suddenly asked if we’d understood everything being said for the last however long and of course, everyone at the table understand except for me.

I have a pretty big insecurity due to my lack of academic accomplishment but it’s part of what drives me to want to go back to school now. I’m going to harness this and use it. I have felt like the least academically achieved member of my family since 2003 when non-academic circumstances interfered with my ability to finish college.

It isn’t what other people say. It isn’t what you can say to me. It isn’t what my 2 year Associate of Art degree says to me. There is nothing you can do or say to assuage my very, very strong feelings of inferiority. I have to get a degree because I want to prove something to myself. I want to prove it to the world. But it’s me who is berating me and me who belittles me and puts me down.

I want to do it. I want to be capable of doing it. I know it will take special accommodations like the audio books and note takers and help through the school, but I want to do it for me.

You know, I should let you guys see my typing without the use of spell check some time. That would just be kind of funny. I am not stupid but I’m a phonetic speller and nothing is ever spelled the same way twice.

The reading is just painful. I mean, it is physically painful. I was asked to read a little brochure the other day. The font was small and narrow and must have been freshly printed. I don’t think I made it through a page. I don’t know how I could get through a course. The words and spaces between words still move on freshly printed paper. What the hell would I do?

Am I discouraging myself now? No, don’t do that. I am going to take some college classes. I am going to do this. Not for you. Maybe in spite of you. But for me.

Log: Saturday was good aside from my mood dive. Stayed up talking with Peter until at least 4:30a. That’s how bad my mood was. Explained how I was worried what’s going to happen when he realizes how much more academically intelligent he is compared to me. (He’s AMAZINGly academically-smart). I need to come up with my other strengths. The ones that are not school or knowledge related. Because that day really crashed my self confidence. The day had been briefly at my aunt and uncle’s house, then the rest of the day was spent at Peter’s mom’s house. It was a cooking and dinner event. My mood went insane; I hid several times just to self-isolate. Everything was fine; don’t know why I got so stressed. Mood went off almost like an extreme PMS. Like just suddenly on the verge of crying and no idea at all why. Mood ranking on previous posting.

Sunday: Fun day. Bicycled and went hiking along a beach. I even got to take my shoes and socks off. One of Peter’s coworkers attended, and Peter’s father attended. It was really fun and I took lots of pictures I hope to dump to my computer one of these days. Mood: 4.5 – 5 – 5.5

Monday: Work. What a weird day. Nobody came to work, nobody emailed or called. I vacuumed the office. Made the coffee, got the tea water ready. Nothing. I feel very strange now (I love chunks of solitude, but an entire day of solitude can get me a bit weird, to say the least). Going to go home now; I’m not going to stop for ingredients. That means cold, canned soup for me tonight. I don’t really feel like caring. I think I am tired. Oh, also I spent much of today going through my Facebook and finally blocking the people I needed to block. There were a lot. It was sad. But I can’t have a security breach. I do miss certain people on Facebook who still post the bulk of their photos there. That includes the woman who is taking care of my horse. She called me today to let me know she has started to work with my horse and is doing well. She sent me a funny vid of my girl prancing around a big pen. I stay at my aunt + uncle’s place tonight, alone. Mood: 4.5 – 5

Log: May 5 (Tue) Lots to do!

May 5 (Tue): NO Therapy; Work 10:00a – 4:30pVisit w/ Shelly maybe for lunch; Music practice w/”Peter” 6:45p; (I haven’t yet decided)

Dinner Plan:
*Complete Protein: (Maybe brown Jasmine rice) + (Unknown nut equivalent) …SUCCESS (brown Jasmine rice and pine nuts)
*Vegetable: Steamed green beans …SUCCESS (boiled green beans) Also had some carrot + hummus, and half an avocado, and a little bit of salmon

To Buy:
*Bread for lunch PBJs …SUCCESS
*Carrots for lunch …SUCCESS
*Hummus for lunch …SUCCESS
*A non-broken watch with multiple alarms feature

To Do:
*At work: Invoice#1wj (3/4 done; waiting on supervisor’s revisions)
*At work: Invoice#2sur (3/4 done; waiting on supervisor’s revisions)
*At work: Invoice#3dc (3/4 done; waiting on supervisor’s revisions)
*At work: Invoice#4gas (3/4 done; waiting on supervisor’s revisions)
*Any time: At least 2 Accounting lectures (completed 1)

*Any time: Apply for Music Workshop scholarship
*After work: Rinse and chop up carrots and bring to work
*After work: Make six more PBJs and bring to work
*After work: Practice music
*Any time: Write and send thank you letter to my aunt & grandma

To Pick Up From Uncle’s House:
*Last month’s therapy bill to submit to insurance
*My VitaMix
*My birth certificate, for passport application
*My back-up drive
*Some earrings
*My hairbrush

The log part for today: It was hard for me to get out of bed this morning. I had taken 1 mg of clonazepam last night and also we’d been doing our computer work and went to bed too bloody late. I’m going to fall apart soon, for real. I’m actually going to leave work now, 1.5 hours early, and just go to my uncle’s house and crash. I’ve had enough social time for now. I love “Peter’s” presence but I find I’m not relaxing into it enough yet. I’m still in a mode too intense to be sustainable. Like, too intensely trying to learn, too intensely trying to observe, too intensely trying to listen and understand. Just too intense and my energy’s depleted. I need to go home, alone, in a dark room, by myself, and just recharge my battery. De-stress. De-worry. De-neurotic-ize myself. It’s my fear-of-failure coming at me, btw. It’s driving me insane with its intensity. I’ve got to chill the fuck out.

Oh yeah, but I’d done the bulk of breakfast this morning, I think. I was pretty fast. Made it to work at an okay time. Today’s Mood Ranking: 4-5

UPDATE!!! I left work an hour early. I biked nearly all the way to my uncle’s and then “Peter” let me know he was going to be back a bit early, too. I was feeling a lot better thanks to the bike ride, so I went there after all. We grocery shopped and cooked and then it was too late for practicing music. Got ready for bed and went to sleep. Evening Mood Ranking: 5, 5.5