Things seem better already, just having gone through the previous realization of the “manic music phase” trigger and also sharing all of my thoughts of the past week with my bf just now, verbally. He was relieved because all he knew for sure was that I was super closed down all week and not communicating and he didn’t know what in the world was going on. We’re talking again. I’m feeling a lot better knowing it was the guitar trigger and considering ways of dealing with that more directly. I am going to try a school counselor on Monday and see how that is. Goodnight, all.
Life is weird. Right? Right?? Life is fucking WEIRD. I mean, really. Life is really, really, really weird.
Of course, maybe that’s how it always feel after you’ve just moved. And moved in with your partner’s mother. And your partner has had a crazy work schedule due to a conference that was being held, so you’ve only seen him like once in a week, or at least that’s how it feels.
And part of why it feels that way is because when he was home, at like 11 pm, and you did go to bed, you had to enforce a large space bubble because he was a stranger to you. Because you were dissociating and although you could consciously think back and tell yourself that yes, you have met this person before and actually lived with this person for a while, you don’t know or recognize this person right now. The face and hair are unfamiliar. The mental processes of his brain are unfamiliar.
Monday, I had a test. Today, I had two tests. I think I did well on all three. Yesterday, he and I chatted via text for a brief time during the day. I asked him how he was doing whatwith all this change and such. He said it was hard and he felt like he had lost some of my trust. Yeah, he had. I can’t put my finger on the reason why, but yep. I asked if he was interested in splitting up with me. He said no but that we should talk about things. I suggested we go on a walk & talk later.
I didn’t know it, but he had thought I wanted to go on a walk with him for the sake of breaking up. For me, going on a walk is like my one attempt at repairing things. Because I can’t connect with a person in a house. We connected in the first place outdoors, doing things. That’s where we need to work on repairing things, IMO.
Anyway. So we went on a walk, exploring the residential areas around here. It was a relief to be out, exercising for the first time in how long. We didn’t chat too deeply but we did get into it a little bit. I felt a lot of relief and a little more at peace.
I had been so angry on moving day. SO angry. Because he wasn’t there. He had to be at that horribly-timed conference for work. I was scared. He had taken off the day before to pack, and we had accomplished a lot but weren’t entirely done. So I was gathering up last shreds of items and trying to organize them into boxes but failing repeatedly. I managed to get enough together by the time they arrived.
Ah well. I cry every day. Because I miss the cats so much. I liked both cats but I was really fond of miss Curie, especially. She loved me, too.
My partner’s mum has two cats but I’m not attached to them yet. And I have been sneezing more here, so I’m trying to keep them away a lot. I don’t have to fear getting attached to these cats because after we move out, I expect to still see them each weekend or however often we visit (it’s typically once a weekend).
All of this sounds negative, I expect, but I titled this Brighter and I meant it. I’m feeling a lot better. It was last night that I realized I’d been dissociating a lot since the move. I told him. I don’t know that he understands but I felt better for having put it into words and recognized what was happening.
In spite of moments of going in and out of reality, I actually have found moments of joy in my heart for living here. And that is freaking amazing, that it could happen at all in the midst of so much change and stress and uncertainty. This is very unusual for me. But I have been able to just walk over with my laptop to where my partner’s mum is sitting and watching TV, and just silently sit down and watch with her. We don’t know our relationship yet; as a tenant, I’m probably invading her space. As her son’s girlfriend, it’s probably fine but more chatter would be expected. This uncertain mix suites me much better; maybe she will expect more chatter or more space, i don’t know. But getting to just come in and sit down and have company but not be pressured into speaking is so nice. And I can sit in sunbeams around here. And the area is amazing.
She took me on a walking tour of the neighborhood today. I bought a cute dog card for my dad, from a pet shop we went to. She showed me the entrance to the nearby park. She showed me two little veggie shops and one main grocery store. It was quite a walk but such a relief. I suspect my lack of conversation was noticed at some point but I’m so out of energy for holding up conversations lately. I just don’t know what to say. But I liked the company and I liked getting to see so many things around here.
I saw a Post Office so I can mail out my dad’s super late birthday present soon. We also stopped at an icecream shop that sells vegan icecream, and I bought one and it was amazing. I only meant to eat part of it but I hadn’t realized how long the walk back would take; I ate nearly all of it. The last bite is currently in the freezer.
Sleep is a bit challenging. Well, my partner & I went to bed SUPER late last night because he was helping me study for my tests. I especially requested help for the Math test; I didn’t understand one of the chapters. It paid off; I have my score for it already, and I got a 100%!! But we were SO tired this morning. I’m drained.
I’m probably also feeling hopeful now because my first ever endocrinologist appointment is tomorrow. As always, I hope for mysteries of the universe to be quickly explained and “cured” with a quick, cheap-fix, one-line diagnosis. Wouldn’t that be nice?
Chronic exhaustion… CURED
Lifetime of insomnia and sleep issues… CURED
Exercise aversion… CURED
Lack of motivation… CURED
Intestinal pain… CURED
Lack of self-confidence… CURED
Well, I am going to go make some tea. Using the teapot I already damaged by forgetting about it. (Yes, I have a new system in place so that doesn’t happen again.) At least she didn’t seem upset with me. That was a rough first day. My gawd it has been stressful, when you think about it.
Today was all right. I went to classes. But at home, I didn’t go to the grocery store (desperately needed). And I haven’t done homework. I did practice Spanish a little bit, for fun. And I ate a bowl of freeze-dried noodles and freeze-dried vegetable chunks. I then ate soy yogurt and homemade GF granola, to which I added cocoa powder with mini chocolate chips in it. And a drop of maple syrup.
Now I’m drinking a supposedly-vanilla-scented sleepy-time tea. My bf wrote that he’s on his way home. That’s when I realized I hadn’t actually done any homework nor have I started to pack. Nor have I done really anything, and that’s exactly when my anxiety SPIKED again. I mean out of control. I’m weak again, my heart is fluttering rather than beating. I can’t think or process or do anything. I’m scared and gray.
Why? Because once he’s home, the lack of having packed up anything becomes real? Because once he’s home, the lack of homework gotten done becomes real? I did make some quinoa. It’s cold now, on the stove top with a lid on it so it can be reheated. But I no longer feel like it. He’s been having to work really late lately; that’s why we haven’t gone to the grocery store. I love that he has such an immense work ethic. Last night, I was doing homework and he was doing work from home until I couldn’t anymore and I fell asleep. He kept going until midnight and then we went to bed.
I guess it’s not that late here yet but it’s so dark outside. It feels late. And I have an exhaustion beyond words. It’s this anxiety. It’s wearing me down.
I have to make a change. This isn’t working and it isn’t a life. It isn’t MY life.
- I looked at a lot of job listings today. There is one in particular, with a well-known animal rescue organization, that actually sounds doable for me. I will need to fill out an application, cover letter, and alert my references. I should still have a resume copy laying around from a few months ago. I need to submit for this job because it would be very good for me. The main downside is that it is weekends, which I wanted to avoid.
- But frankly, my partner & I have been having an issue with our conflicting executive function difficulties as of late. It’s making it hard to be productive on the weekends as is. Last weekend, I did my damn best to write down a list of possible things we could do, as requested. I gave it to him and expected he would choose several and place them in some sort of order for the day. Instead, we just sort of did some things at random and then he was really frustrated at the end of the day for having had no feeling of progressing toward anything. We hadn’t communicated well. When I had given him that list, I expected him to take the next step. He was expecting ME to decide the order of events I wanted to do, and tell him what to do. I want him to tell me what to do. If I had the skills to choose my own damn schedule, I wouldn’t be in this mess of a life in the first place.
- I’m gaining weight, particularly in the face which I hate. Next semester, I am going to sign up for an exercise class. I suspect I’ll do weight-lifting, because my mom thinks that’s supposed to help prevent osteoporosis, which I have a higher-than-average likelihood of having when I’m older.
- Weekends. Do away with weekends. Do away with the potential for conflict. I want us to do our own, separate things on at least one day of the weekend. That way if our one day together is a flop, we can each salvage what we can separately. Scheduling for self alone isn’t as challenging as scheduling for two.
- Food. I’m not going grocery shopping anymore because it gets darker earlier. Also, I don’t always have the internal motivation to leave my apartment. But I could use savings money and hire a company to fucking DELIVER groceries to me once a week or two. That would surely be cheaper than eating every meal out. I just. can’t. keep doing that.
- Cats. I picked up a cat tonight and started crying. I’m going to miss this trouble creatures. I’m going to miss the nosy one so much. She’s always in my stuff. She’s always on me or with me if I’m out of my room. She loves me.
- This weekend. He has a conference this weekend, it turns out. I learned it twenty minutes ago. Why won’t this anxiety medicine hurry up and kick in? I took a little bit just a bit ago, when the panic set in. I thought we were going to be moving our stuff to his mom’s place this weekend. I guess that is not the case; but we will do packing. Somehow. I suppose I’d best just hire someone. I can’t stand the thought of him seeing my lack of packing. He’s offering to skip the conference because moving is more important. But I somehow don’t think that’s the biggest issue.
- It isn’t timing. It’s … the executing. Can someone PLEASE come out and help me???????????? I’d better hurry up and hire someone from online. I have two old contacts from TaskRabbit. I’ll ask them both if there’s any way they can help me because I just can’t get this started on my own.
- What the hell is so hard about getting started? The panic! It’s really unbelievable. The gray and the fluttering heart. I don’t think my heart is even beating anymore – it’s just a mere whisper of a tremble. No pulse. I can’t reply back to bf, I won’t be able to smile or say hi to him when he does enter the apartment (soon). This night is going to be really rough if this anxiety medicine doesn’t hurry up and kick in. I’m scared to death.
- Woops, I have to go now. Thanks for listening.
Well. Mysteries of the universe solved.
I’m still on the remnant half life of the dose of anxiety medicine I took last night and I feel woonnnddeerrful. I’m able think, I’m able to leave my apartment, I’m able to walk around, I’m able to do schoolwork.
The thinking is important. My brain is actually turning, slightly. Not like on a great day, but on an almost-human day.
What a relief.
I’ll forgive myself if I end up needing anxiety medicine from now until I have located a new job and have moved. This is my last week in my belovedly awesome apartment, btw.
I am actually in a class right now. I just asked a question. I love that after I ask a question, usually someone else asks a question, too. I think sometimes people are afraid to interrupt lecture but the prof doesn’t mind. She’s super nice. I like that I can be an ice breaker for others.
My extreme anxiety and depression lately has really poisoned things between me and my partner. It sucks. I hope that after I get a new job and after I settle into his mother’s house, I hope we can salvage things. Because he’s a great guy, I don’t actually want to scrap this. I’d like to see about working on things again. But it’s been hard when I have no smile inside of me, no motivation to get out of bed, and nothing that is a positive or hopeful for me. That really messes with a relationship.
But on the very last remnants of this clonazepam, life looks easier again. Things make more sense. I don’t think my panic had really hit until the last day of work happened and I moved everything out. I’ve been fallen apart since then. I didn’t even know it was my last day of work until I got there. So that was like, not a lot of transitional time. Me & sudden change? Not so hot.
My self-identity was tied up in that a bit. I didn’t realize it, but I’ve been in a lost, gray world since then. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted or what this was all about. I was just floating and lifeless and gray and foggy and fuzzy and in a gray nothingness in a way I can never hope to explain to someone not presently or recently experiencing it.
Moral is: Anxiety medicine will be my friend this week. Don’t feel shame. And don’t judge me, you. I don’t need it.
I need to be able to think clearly enough to apply for new, part-time work and pack up my stuff from the apartment.
If I watch you, I’m jealous.
Is there anything I’m not jealous of?
Is there any way I can someday be okay with myself as I am?
Accept myself for what I am?
There are things I can do that you’ll never be able to do.
They’re things in an empathy spectrum. I can feel like nothing else. But it’s not healthy.
I can hear a story of someone else’s suffering and feel the pain as my own pain. It IS my own pain.
But I hear the click-clack of the keys and I can see the rapid switching of windows and lines of text appearing and disappearing in nano seconds. I’ll never be able to do that. And that’s only one, tiny thing.
I’m not sure my life is here. I’m detaching but it’s a bad time to detach because my whole life feels unstable at present.
It’s my anxiety.
My heart keeps beating at the wrong rhythm. I don’t know if it’s from fucking with my thyroid levels over the last month or so, or if it’s all from anxiety.
I’m weak, I’m shaky, I have this chronic look of fatigue and worry on my face. I’ve gained weight and hold it in my face, which is a location that makes me uncomfortable because it makes smiling more difficult.
I made myself go on a walk today. I accidentally missed school. I’m irritated that I still mis-spell the word “accidentally”. You can’t tell because of spell-check, but I’m a phonetic speller and tonight, even that is worth me feeling like shit. Like I’m in my 30’s and still can’t spell a word I’ve written a thousand times before. TALLY. Accident, which I can spell, usually. smashed with TALLY.
It’s funny because I’ve been practicing learning Spanish lately, and the spelling is killing me. I’m a phonetic speller in English, how am I supposed to become precise in Spanish? Ah well, remember, it’s just for fun.
Approximations are as good as it gets.
And what is good in life right now? I may have slept through school but I ate good food. Some of which was nutritious (I hate spelling). I made myself go on a long walk. It was a bit chilly out today but I dressed warmly and the sky was blue and the sun was bright. I wish I had let more sun onto my skin; I suspect I’m shy on Vitamin D again.
I made myself a goal. There’s this place nearby that sells an amazing GF oatmeal chocolate chip cookie. So I went walking with the end of goal of buying one. I ended up also studying my Accounting chapter. Thankfully, tomorrow’s test got postponed. That is good because I wasn’t truly prepared for it.
Now I’ve been doing computer class homework for several hours. I’ve finally taken a little bit of anxiety medicine for the night. Thank God for anxiety medicine. I had a little fever when I came back from my walk. My walk also led me to a playground where I swung for a while. I talked with an aunt over the phone. I talked with my mum. I just can’t get out of this grayness and fuzz. My heart won’t normalize and I can’t smile.
I think this is my last week here at this apartment and i also think that really I’m freaking out because of being now unemployed and when I spoke with my brother, he indicated some shock that I would quit one job without having another lined up. That probably freaked me out a lot. But I really had to get out. I can’t entirely type why, since this is public, but if you can trust me that it was the right decision, then trust me and don’t question it.
I think I’m tired of being questioned. Who’s doing the questioning? Me?
I’m making myself write here lately, because I know from experience that writing helps me re-focus and re-ground. And I desperately need to re-ground. Desperately.
While I was home alone, I had religious music playing pretty loudly and I was signing along as loudly as possible. It happens sometimes and I really connected to it. I think that’s what I need right now. I’m going to keep searching for more music that I can feel connected with. I should probably trying praying and such too. I just don’t know if my incredible grayness and fuzz and inability to smile or leave the apartment is from crippling anxiety or if I’m just physically ill (the fever has been present for a couple of days). Do people get fevers when anxious? Oh well. I took anxiety medicine and once that kicks in, I imagine that I will find it help a little bit. And I’ll take whatever little bit I can.
What am I going to do?
Will we break up?
Will I quit my job?
Will I be without a place to sleep and keep my belongings?
I’m stressed, obviously. There’s been a breakdown. I had no idea the topic of housing would do this. But the stress is so high, I cannot think. I cannot make decisions about the simplest of topics any more. The anxiety is high, the stress is high, and I can’t focus on anything.
Schoolwork, tonight, seems irrelevant, when I don’t know really what my life will look like in two weeks. I mean, obviously we’ll just move in with his dad for now. Right? And I won’t mind it, once I’m there. I’ll adjust and it’ll be fine. (bf has executive fuction issues, too. Nightmare combo when it comes to this topic, it seems. or maybe he doesn’t care as much as I do, about where we live?)
But I’m mad that we never discussed it. We can’t, now. It’s too late to have a rational conversation with me. My walls are sky high and I can’t think. I’m in the haze. My mind is fuzz. My pulse is fast and weak. I shake a lot and my muscles are in pain.
I can’t talk anymore. This is shut down and I don’t know how to get out of it. So I say to myself, I could just leave altogether, and where would I go? I put in a sort of MORE official notice for my work last week. So I’ll have no income. But I’ll get a minimum-wage job, very parttime, and have a pathetic income. I looked up housing; I can’t afford anything around here on my own. So what am I going to do?
I have dreams about going Home all the time now, as the vacation slowly approaches. I’m wearing a wig and different clothes. Will that be enough to disguise myself? Maybe I shouldn’t go Home. I’m still too afraid of how my ex could respond if he sees me.
I have this headache. I get it every day. It comes along with this black, black, blackness in my head. How can I see the world in a positive way with this blackness hanging over my head?
My grades are still good. I’m doing all right, in school. It’s EVERYTHING else that is falling APART.
I ran this morning. I don’t mean that I physically ran, although I should do that for health reasons, but I left. My bf let me know that he was going to go grab a coffee with his roommate and his gf and I was free to join or meet them there or whatever, and I could sense they were in a hurry, so I started to say I’d like to join, but then could sense it again, so said go without me. I had just gotten out of the shower but actually only needed shoes in order to be ready; I’d already gotten dressed. Then I had this huge anxiety attack or something and like the walls were closing in around me. Like I just stand there and can’t make up my mind. Days go by and I just stand in one spot and can’t make a decision about the silliest things anymore. The sun rises and sets and I haven’t moved.
So I packed my school things and left and turned off my phone location settings so nobody could know where I was even if they looked. But I calmed down some minutes later and turned it all back on and wrote a note to say I’d be back soon. I’m just falling apart.
I spent like two days ago, I think, dissociating. I can’t take this stress right now. I’m so behind in so many things.
Afterward, today, my bf and I met his parents at the animal shelter near here, and we got to meet all of the cats and dogs. It was nice. My bf had set that up yesterday for me.
Jun 10 (Wed): Work
Jun 11 (Thu): Work, go to uncle’s after work
Wednesday: Got up easily enough, although I’d had insomnia for much of the night. Got ready and left early with Peter. Showered but skipped breakfast, thinking I still had a muffin at work. Wrong. But I had brought 2 PBJs so I had one of those for breakfast.
HIGH ANXIETY LEVELS. This is the day my web registration was open for me to apply for the new college. At the same time, i had received many tasks for work, all time-important. So with high, high anxiety, my hands shaking much of the time, I did some work, then would try to figure out my class schedule again, then work, then scheduling, etc.
In the end, I did get everything I needed to get done for work. But I was only able to register for 3 of my classes successfully. One of them has an English requirement, so I have to submit paperwork for that. So I contacted both of my old schools and have official transcripts on the way out now, which isn’t needed, but I felt more comfortable doing it that way, so the new school has them on file and I will just have to make myself actually get a major so it wasn’t a waste of money.
Anyway, I did the matriculation paperwork (took forever). I had to prove my residency (took forever, but I have already heard back from them that I was accepted as a resident and thus get the MUCH MUCH MUCH cheaper tuition! YAY!!!).
I still haven’t submitted my matriculation paperwork because I think I’d better send a copy of my divorce certificate to them as well, seeing as one of my schools is going to send a transcript with my maiden name on it, and the other school will send my transcript with my previous married name on it. Oy. I hope they can figure it out.
But I want to get this done as soon as possible because the course I didn’t get to sign up for yet only has 1 timeslot that would work for my schedule, so if it fills up, I’ll have to rework every class again and try to get it to fit together. It took so much time. I won’t have a copy of my divorce paperwork until this evening, so I could then submit my matriculation paperwork tomorrow.
Okay. So HIGH ANXIETY. I can’t stress that enough. I almost had to take anxiety medicine but I try not to if I can survive without it.
The rest of the evening was okay for a while. After work, I went to a grocery store and picked up some groceries. When Peter got off work, he joined me there and we walked back together. Dinner was amazing, thanks to him. But then something happened.
He was contemplating companies for the sake of picking out more companies to invest in. He asked what companies I like as far as services and whatnot, just to try and get more names to think about. I mentioned an online site I used to buy my horse supplies from. I said I used to only trust that site and Amazon with my credit card information.
That led to him asking me how I feel about Amazon. I said I like them a lot because they send a fraction of money to the horse rescue I love so much (log in through Amazon Smile instead of regular Amazon to support whatever rescue/charity you want to support). So that got us on the topic of charities. I don’t know why he said it but he said he didn’t think he would ever donate to a horse rescue group. Something went off in my head. Alarm bells. Horror. Tragedy. I asked if he meant it like, -ever-, under no circumstance? I was like, sometimes when people have asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I ask them instead to put whatever money they’d have spent on a gift for me and send it to that equine rescue instead. I asked if he’d send them money if I asked him to as a b-day gift to me or something. He said no.
While he started to explain which are the charities he donates to regularly and supports, I found it hard to hear him. My entire body was faltering. The tears started to flow. By the time dinner was finished and we went back down to the room with the dishes (we’d eaten up on the roof), I had to take a minute away. I went to the unlit bedroom and just cried and cried and cried.
I came back to the kitchen to help with cleaning up but I still kept crying on and off. I finally talked about it, I said I had no idea that rescue was still so important to me. My horse has been there many years now. I cried more.
So what this tells me is a couple of things.
- It tells me that what I ate yesterday for breakfast and lunch was not sufficient and I did have a blood sugar episode. I only get super emotional when I’m having a blood sugar episode.
- But it also sends me up a red flag for this relationship. Do I wish to be in a long-term relationship with someone who would override my own request because of his own standard for worthy charities? Did I feel disrespected personally because my wishes wouldn’t be respected?
At least after I was finally able to say why I’d gotten so emotional, that the rescue meant so much to me still, he actually offered to use them next time he shops from Amazon. So that means it wasn’t a black-and-white never-ever statement after all, but it took a complete meltdown for him to relax the black-and-white of his original statement? Or was it the meltdown that then enabled me to verbalize how important it was to me, that I wasn’t joking around when I was asking those questions?
I don’t want him to use them for his Amazon; that wasn’t my point at all. I just want to know that if I ask something of a person, they will at least consider my request. A, “perhaps there could be a possibility of it at some unknown point in the future, depending on the situation,” would have satisfied me. A “No, never,” brought me to a screeching halt.
At the same time, I hadn’t heard from my mom all day, so I was worrying about my grandma out there. Signing up for school is freaking me out. I hadn’t had much sleep. I didn’t eat well.
So that was a rough night. He apologized if his words were hurtful for me. But my mood doesn’t bounce back quickly; I was too upset to fall asleep. (He asked why I wasn’t falling asleep, I said I think my right shoulder is too tense, I can’t get it to relax, and asked if he could pinch that muscle. He said that sounded painful and he didn’t want to torture me. He lightly ran his fingers over the spot, but I asked again if he could pinch the muscles there. He still didn’t want to, saying it sounded painful. He said he had a better idea, why don’t we go to sleep. He flipped over and fell asleep instantly. I got upset all over again; request denied! Major insomnia. I got up, did stretches to try and get the muscles to fricking relax. I had taken 1 mg of clonazepam when I’d first gone to bed but it did NO good at all, not one bit. I should have taken some pain medicine, but I did stretches instead. I finally read a book by the light of my cellphone screen, and eventually fell asleep. Mood Ranking: 2-4.5
Thursday: I don’t know what today will bring. It was a bad morning! When the early alarm went off, I think I was in a bit of a sleep-drug-haze and he decided to reset the alarm for a little bit more time. Then we got up, I didn’t shower, got dressed, and we made breakfast. Ate breakfast, had tea, then, while I thought he was packing (to be explained), I held back one of the cats so the shy cat would eat his breakfast. He’d gotten spooked and so the other cat was done eating already and he was not. Then I also brushed my teeth again. Meanwhile, I don’t know, maybe Peter was ready to go, I was ready but in la la land, just doing whatever. Turns out he was getting frustrated because he could tell we were close to being ready but we weren’t leaving and he wanted to catch a certain bus. He never said a time. We made it to the trains but knew he’d miss the bus he wanted. He said we needed to work on our morning routine. I said it would really help if he could tell me verbally what time he wants to leave the apartment in the morning. He says he tried that when we were first dating and it didn’t work. I pointed out that now I have a watch, and I believe it would work now. Don’t think he agreed. We said goodbye but it wasn’t done as closely as usual. Not sure if we even hugged, although we might have, which is okay because I’m in a mood and can’t connect emotionally right now. He rushed to the bus stop and he did catch the next bus, not too much later than the first, but then he wrote that he was sorry about getting frustrated, it was just the seeing time pass where we weren’t really heading out the door but seemed to be ready that was frustrating for him, it was like wasted time. It was okay that he caught the next bus. We’ll work on communicating better in the morning.
But fuck that. I have lived long enough. He doesn’t understand me and the executive function issues. He doesn’t. I can’t ask him to baby me through the morning. It’s time I either learn the skill to get myself out of the door in the morning without external stimulus, or I hire somebody. End Of Story. I can’t rely on him to let me know when to leave in the exact format I need the information. NOBODY ON THE ENTIRE, FRICKING PLANET HAS BEEN ABLE TO GIVE ME THE INFORMATION I NEED IN THE EXACT FORMAT THAT IS USEFUL FOR ME.
What I need is this:
- When the alarm first goes off, I need to hear (AUDITORY) several things, in this order:
- Mandatory: The upcoming activity “Work day”
- Optional: What time the activity begin “Work starts at 9 a.m.”
- Optional: What train I’m trying to catch “Train leaves at 8:32 a.m.”
- Mandatory: When to leave the apartment “Leave apartment at 8:20 a.m.”
- Mandatory: What time it is right now “It’s currently 7:30 a.m.”
- Mandatory: How much time I have left before leaving “You have 50 minutes to get ready.”
- As I get ready, I need again to have an audio that tells me what time I am planning to leave the apartment, what time it currently is, and how many minutes I have left (I cannot do mental math in the morning).
- When it is within 5 minutes of being time to leave, I again need to have an audio that tells me that I have 5 minutes remaining to get out of the door.
So, today has been sad for me. I feel things slipping out of my hands. But I don’t need him and I’m not going to let myself need him. Maybe he and I break up. I still need to find an apartment near my new school, with different roommates if that’s the case. I’ll be okay. Today’s Mood Ranking (subject to change): 3
There is too much going on, too much going wrong, all at the same time. I can’t keep up. It’s so close, something’s going to snap, something’s going to happen. This is day 2 of having an urge to cut. I’m not going to to do it, I’m just really stressed out right now.
And these MOOD swings.
It’s funny, when I get angry, I wipe messages off my phone. Like, just take a person and wipe them. They aren’t even the person or thing I’m mad at. I just get less emotionally attached in general and it makes it easier for me to clean up my phone. Normally I hoard old messages because there are photos and stuff embedded into there that I’ll never get back and that’s really sad.
I have such a terrible stomach ache.
I lost my health insurance coverage today. It was carelessness on my part (if I had mailed (postmarked) the check YESTERDAY, I’d still be covered. I’ve missed it by ONE DAY), combined with one of my checks getting lost in the mail, which I didn’t know about. So I didn’t just lose it for this month. I lost it for last month. Last month I had a whole panel of dental x-rays, a cleaning, a primary care doctor visit, bloodwork, therapy, and a psychiatrist appointment.
Fuck that. I will pay for it all because I’ll have to, but that’s it. No more doctors, no more appointments.
I asked to go off of my antidepressants during my last psych appointment but she said she’d like to see me remain emotionally stable for a full year first. Well now there is not going to be the money for such nonsense.
I have an appointment for a state health insurance help person tomorrow. But I am
Wow, I just flipped out and deleted 4 GB of messages off my phone. That’s going to hurt later but not right now.
I want to give up on everything. I applied to a school today.
This lady was supposed to meet me today at 7 for something that would have been a hugely good thing but she can’t find anyone with a truck so she’s not going to. But I’d already told my uncle and everyone that it was happening today and now it’s not. Sucks.
Funny. I turned my phone off a bit ago and forgot it was off. I only want it on in case that lady changes her mind.
My mum video-chatted with me and my grandma was in the background. She seemed more mentally “aware” than I was lead to believe. Although also asleep 95% of the time we were talking, but when she was awake, her responses were related to the conversation.
Okay, now I’ve trimmed my finger nails. I’ve calmed down a bit. Very volatile inside. Like I’ve eaten wrong but I don’t think it’s just that, although I think I did. Nope, haven’t calmed down.
Kind of have the urge to go to Peter’s place and collect all my things and bring them back to my uncle’s. Want to clear out my office at work, too. My stuff is too spread. It’s not right. I need to get a handle on my belongings. They’re everywhere.
And I asked Peter a question I’m really ashamed of having asked. Maybe to him it wasn’t a big deal question, but I bet it was. It is for me anyway, although I asked out of desperation and held some hope for all the wrong reasons. So that’s most of why I’m upset right now. Blame him for being logical. Blame myself for allowing myself the tiny bit of hope about the topic. Knew all along the correct answer. Stupid. Frustrating. My own fault.
Tomorrow’s my last full day around here — the next day, I leave for my grandma’s. My aunt (different aunt) has asked me to help with organizing some things they moved out of my grandma’s old assisted living home and that can’t be brought to her new home, which I guess is a nursing home.
I’m not happy today; I am not pleased. This is not good. How am I supposed to pay for all of my May medical expenses? The mouth thing is just going to have to fuck off. I’ve been referred to an oral surgeon but that ain’t happening. Right now? I wouldn’t even care if it was life threatening and going to kill me in a few years. I think it’s safe to say I’m upset right now. Today’s Mood Ranking (subject to change when I calm the fuck down): 2.5
May 11 (Mon): Work 10:15a – 5:30p; Bring my aunt the jam from “Peter’s” mom, as well as a few flowers and a slice of watermelon, if they look good at the store after work; Vacuum my aunt + uncle’s house; Laundry; Rest; The following:
*Complete Protein: Canned salmon …ALTERED
*Non-starchy Vegetable(s): Romaine lettuce, tomato …ALTERED
*Trail mix, to bring to work
*Lettuce + Tomato
*Flowers for my aunt …SUCCESS
*Watermelon slice for my aunt …SUCCESS
*Any time: Update bottom paragraph of resume; Finalize references; Submit along w/ cover letter …UPDATED BUT haven’t submitted
*Any time: At least 2 Accounting lectures
*Any time: Apply for Music Workshop scholarship
*Any time: Write and send thank you letter to my aunt & grandma
*Any time: Update budget …SUCCESS the next day
*Any time: Schedule dental appt …SUCCESS
Log: This will be my first night alone in a surprisingly long time. I haven’t had much alone time lately, so I’m looking forward to it. If my uncle is in a good mood, I’ll probably chill with him tonight. If he’s not, I’ll be in my room, alone, doing alone things like filing some paperwork I’ve fallen behind on, and catching up on some emails and whatnot. Maybe I’ll read. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll sketch. Maybe I won’t. Maybe or not. 🙂
So we woke up this morning and made breakfast. He made me more quinoa so I’d have a complete protein available today. Then we had a little extra time so we ended up making some eggs and bacon anyway, but I have the quinoa and some home-grown carrots (his mom’s) for lunch. I didn’t put any thought into lunch for today, so it’s just that. I see that I have a PBJ leftover from last Friday in the fridge, too. I’ll be good.
((The “cut” goes here))
UPDATE: After work, I took the train home and grocery shopped for myself and the pick up the watermelon and flowers for my aunt. I made a dinner for myself that wasn’t too tasty until I added sunflower seeds to it. But it looked fancy. It was shredded baby cucumber, green onion, and bell pepper. Then I added some olive oil, rice vinegar, salt, a mix seasoning, and some fresh lemon juice. It was all right but improved with the unsalted sunflower seeds.
Then I cleaned up after myself, washed the dishes that were already in the sink, and ran a load of laundry. Then I sketched (I posted one of them). I went to bed by 11p. I had a terrible anxiety attack while waiting to fall asleep. It started from replaying an innocent conversation I had with Peter or his folks or something, but rapidly spiraled into thinking about my ex and and then remembering the time of the falling apart and then came the emotional torment of the knowledge of things gone wrong and how it could happen and how things were when we thought we’d end up together forever, etc. Moment of panic and being almost unable to survive it. If you’ve never had a panic attack, it’s hard to explain the moment of feeling like you will literally not survive it. A moment of terror like there is no escape. It was not too bad as far as that goes; I still felt able to breathe at least. I don’t know how I stepped out of it fast enough that I was able to calm back down and sleep within another 45 minutes. Today’s Mood Ranking: 4 – 5
CUT FOR SOME TMI GROSSNESS (my throat is not healthy)
I’ll have to fix the formatting and dates for this post later. I haven’t had the time for updating. I wrote a post for Friday but it’s save-drafted right now; it was a fine day, but I was a bit grouchy. It turned out to be PMS; my period started today, which is five days early. WTF, body. WTF.
Oh well. Anyway, so Friday was a little stressful. It wasn’t too bad, but there were moments of tension as two employees were finishing up a report that had to go out. Anyway.
Friday night, left work late, biked to grocery store, grabbed some items, waited in a long line for checkout. “Peter” got to train station very shortly after I did. Biked from train with him to my uncle’s house. Made dinner! (Veggie burgers)
Today (Saturday), confusing day. I’ve been tossing a lot from what turns out to be cramps, “Peter” was too tired to go tree planting this morning, so we opted to rest a while longer. Then got a couple of chores done around here and then went to his city and met his folks, and we all went on an interesting city walk with a fantastic view. I don’t know them well enough, but was overjoyed at a completely random stop at a playground where I got to swing for a bit and his dad tried to see about using the pull-up hangy handle things (like the old monkey bars but different). So fun. Swinging is one of my favorite activities. Someday, I’m going to buy a $1000 swing intended for autistic adults, but that’s a different story.
Then we ate out and that was complex because my gluten-free item that I ordered arrived and looked exactly the same as everybody else’s regular item… So I checked on it and sure enough, it all had to be remade for me. I hate that my food stuff has me standing out quite a lot at times. It’s frustrating. I just want to blend in and order like everybody else.
Anyway, then we all went to his dad’s house and talked for a while. It got pretty late and now we’re back here at my uncle’s. “Peter” is asleep; I am waiting on a load of laundry to finish drying because I had decided to wash the sheets earlier this morning, before we’d been invited to spend the evening with “Peter’s” folks. Today’s Mood Ranking: 4-4.5-6 (I had a moment of panic earlier this morning when I started to realize how old I’m getting and I don’t even have any money invested or any chance of a steady income, etc etc, it was a pretty bad anxiety attack for a bit there, actually. I freaked.)