Depression is coming back

I am writing only to report that for the past couple of weeks, I’ve been feeling depression creeping back in. As only a fellow person who has experienced depression can understand. It is not like I am in a great mood and then “something happens” in my life and boom, I’m suddenly depressed. No. I’ve been watching it coming for weeks. The breathing getting harder, the feelings of happiness becoming fewer and farther between. The irritability become intolerable and snipping and hating everyone around me for nothing. The pain of looking around, the headaches, the stomach aches. The breathing in and stopping for a minute and thinking, My God[] this would be so much easier if I didn’t exist. The making self exercise, making self eat nutritiously. Making self go to bed at a decent hour in spite of desire to stay up late. And you know, you can FEEL, it is only getting worse. It hasn’t started to get better yet.

Mundane Update

I’m calling this a mundane update. I’d say that I normally only come on here when my emotions are high or out of whack or something’s eating me, etc.

But I logged in for a different reason this evening, and thought, perhaps I would go ahead and write. Because writing helps me stay stable.

And I feel completely stable at present. I.E. I normally wouldn’t be writing. So here I am.

I’ll give a day recap. I had a big exam this morning in computer programming. I hope it went okay; time will tell. Tutoring was really challenging because students from one of the other classes came in for emergency help (their exam is tomorrow) but it was from a class that hardly anyone asks for help for, so I don’t remember the content very well. And I hadn’t brought the right notes; I didn’t realize some of those classes were that far in the book. I don’t bring my full notes because they’re so heavy.

I actually went across town after school/work. That’s not my norm. But last night, I got an invite to dinner with my SO and some of his friends, one of whom I have met a couple of times now and I enjoy his company. So we went even though it was for a very late dinner and we only just got back a bit ago. It’s late. I’m super sleepy.

I’m getting over a virus. I had to take like a week off of school. I missed the exam review and the last bit of new info for it and everything! So I studied a lot this-past weekend.

Pokémon Go is pretty exciting right now. They re-balanced the gym prestige. And this week, or for a few days anyway, they’re running these crazy double-poké stop goodies and double (or more) spawn rates of critters. This is tied into my getting-over-my-virus because I finally feel a bit of energy returning so I’m probably going to go out on a Poké bike ride tomorrow after work, or at least a nice walk. I walked a tiny bit extra today, and it was really nice. The sunset was amazing.

I’m super, incredibly behind in my online school. Well, only a week or 2, but it feels like a lot. It’s because my current class is a writing-based class and I suck at writing papers. I have one I need to revise TOMORROW (I’m telling myself that) and then I need to write one more paper. Then I can move onto a different class, thank goodness.

Well, I’m incredibly sleepy beyond words, so goodnight. Voting is tomorrow here but I already voted.

A wee bit of mania

So all I can say for this week is… IF I were a wee bit toward bipolar, this would be my wee bit toward mania. I’m thinking back and finding that my physical weakness is what stops me from doing so much, and that’s a good thing.

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Pancakes taste best when they’re the same color as the skillet, right?? 🙂

Today, I actually got up “early” for me (it was 8 or 9 am, when my bf got up for work; it was a late start for him). I chatted with my phone via phone for 35 minutes (she was driving hands-free; the phone was hands-free, not the steering wheel). It was a fun conversation and my bf got ready for work. Afterward, I asked him what he’d like for breakfast. He had 15 minutes left before he had to leave. He suggested gf pancakes. I jumped up and started making them (I had a mix). They didn’t turn out (my batter was too thick; I kept waiting for the tops to bubble but they didn’t; the bottoms burnt up while I was waiting for the tops). Anyway, a few turned out all right so he ate and ran (the REALLY burnt ones didn’t take place until after he was gone and I was making the rest of the batter).

Anyway. Me cooking = pretty extreme. That doesn’t happen. Me, in a super cheerful mood, rushes upstairs and realizes I still have time to put away half of the clean laundry before taking my shower and heading to class. And I did so. I bicycled there and was on time. (Unheard of.) And I managed to have all of the bits and pieces organized for the day. [THIS HAS BEEN NOT HAPPENING WELL LATELY. I have a different schedule each day and have been grabbing or not grabbing things very poorly for the day.] I also planned to maybe bike to the beach after school.

After class, I was hungry. I ate a snack bar and went to a food place on campus to search for food. No luck. So I was still playing with this idea to bike to the ocean. And find a taco place on the way. So I swapped out my bike locks so my lighter two were in my bag and my heavy one is left on campus (when you see random locks left on posts and such — no longer assume they are left there by people whose tires were stolen; it could be left there by people who park there frequently enough and don’t want to drag the weight back and forth with them anymore). The bike shop guy told me about that. So anyway. I packed up from school and headed out toward the ocean. Yeah. Awesome. This crazy city has bike routes every which way, it seems. I really don’t understand why more people don’t bicycle around here.

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Sanderlings are present there… tiny little dots in a backlit photo

So I made it to the BEACH!!! It was SOOOO WINDY. I was being PELTED in the face with sand. It kind of stung. But I saw some sanderlings down along the water line and wanted to photograph them, so I dragged my bike down through the sand, do or die. And then pushed/walked my bike along the shore for a while. Then discovered the bike paths up above the shore. The sand blasting was worse up there but I stayed and rode along there for quite a while. Eventually I went back toward home but stopped first at a bike shop:

“How much would you charge to clean the sand out of my gears??? It’s making an awful sound…” haha.  It turned out my break pads needed to be replaced as well as my stretched chain. (I’D FORGOTTEN THAT YOU NEED TO REPLACE YOUR CHAIN EVERY half year or year or however hard you ride your bike. It’s really important because when it gets stretched, it then doesn’t fit on the cogs as well and starts to wear them down. Eventually you’ll need expensive fixes all because you didn’t just buy a new chain once or twice a year!!!) So yeah. Today was expensive.

But I’ve got to tell you. My bike is riding so much more smoothly now and my breaks are amazing. LOL

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Ice plant

Hey so in light of this feeling awfully suspiciously like an innerdragon wee bit of mania phase (my body ran out of the ability to move so I just sat in the bike shop for 1.5 hours while they worked on it), I took my PRN night medicine. It’s for sleep but it’s technically an anti-anxiety medicine. But I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I keep waking up very alert. Last night, I couldn’t fall asleep because my OCD flared up and I couldn’t get past this loop of this one thought that played over and over and over again in my head and was making me really mad at my bf. (It was something trivial along the same lines of when people squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle or something. I literally don’t recall what it was anymore – that’s how unimportant it was. But OBSESSIVE THINKING OBSESSIVE THINKING. I couldn’t get my mind to switch to a new topic. Anyway, I don’t want to think about it.) Tonight, I’m going to sleep. This medicine is prescribed originally for my restless leg syndrome but it also helps me fall asleep and stay asleep. And that I can think more clearly without being stopped constantly by anxiety is a wonderful side effect.

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Ice plants, gull, moon. Along the shore

Oh yeah. So I’ve already had dinner (bf’s mother saved me a portion of salmon! I had some more things as well). I’ve watched a bit of TV with her this evening. Now I’ve run another load of laundry (bedding and a towel this time) AND put away everything. Bf’s clothes, my clothes, and remade the bed. I’m just waiting now to see if he notices. He’s not always observant about certain things. I think if I left the pillows on top of the clean sheet, he’ll notice, but if I tuck them back under as usual, then maybe he won’t notice. Ah the way we entertain ourselves in life.

One of my beloved cousins in visiting my folks right now. I have a beloved photo of my baby dog greeting her gently, her with suitcases still in hand. ❤ My old man baby dog. He may have something serious wrong with him health-wise but the vets haven’t ruled out that maybe it is something that can be corrected with diet changes. So he is on a new diet and loving it. But is still skin and bones, my poor baby. It is hard to be away from him. No moment spent with him was ever or could ever be a wasted moment.

Oh yeah so back to the sleep medicine. I’m on this and it’s fully kicked in. I decided it was called for because at this point, I obviously could only benefit from something grounding like a solid sleep. Tomorrow, I need to focus on studying. I played today.

Log: Jul 23 – Jul 28 (Thu – Tue) Where does the time go?

Jul 23 (Thu): Work;
Jul 24 (Fri): Work;
Jul 25 (Sat): ;
Jul 26 (Sun): ;
Jul 27 (Mon): Work;
Jul 28 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a; Work 10:30a – 5:30p; Dinner with my brother? (maybe cancelled by him)

Well geez. Don’t ask me how I’m going to remember what took place during these days. Ah, hey! I can look back at my text messages.

Thursday: Worked. My brother showed up randomly – he happened to be in the area for something else. After work, I went back to his apartment with him. We discussed getting dinner but he actually had too much cleaning to do (his gf was set to fly in shortly) and so we set a rain-check. So I left there for the train and had dinner with Peter.

AH HA HA HA HA!!!!! This appears to be the night I went vegetarian again! Ha. It’s sad, because he was cooking up sausages at the time, but he asked me something and I answered, and he asked another question, and noticed a discrepancy in my answer. He basically made me think too hard about why I am eating meat on one hand, and against eating meat on the other hand (he knows I plan to be vegetarian in the future). I couldn’t reconcile it in my head, so the only result I could come up with was that obviously I shouldn’t be eating meat. So I’m not. It’s the 3rd time I’ve gone vegetarian & I know it won’t last, but I do feel better when I’m not eating meat. It’s just so much damn EASIER to eat meat. There’s so much FUSS when eating with other people who are cooking up a good meal and it’s full of meat and you have to be rude, etc etc. Oh, well. It happened. I’m back. I’ll get it figured out and I’ll be very glad for it. 🙂

Friday: I got home, I made myself a dinner; Peter was going to be very late coming home. I assumed he ate the free meal at his work, so I didn’t make him anything. I made myself some yummy tofu and a big salad. Then I asked if he’d eaten, and he hadn’t, but he was only expecting a PBJ. I made him a PBJ and attempted some roasted bell pepper and a salad. I was so proud of myself.

Saturday: Huhmmm. Ah, Peter and I did some excessively domestic banking stuff. Hmm. That night, we watched my maternal extended family home video, which I love.

Sunday: Peter & I tried to get a wardrobe thing for me but after going and getting it into the flat cart and all that, we realized it wouldn’t fit into a cab. So we didn’t get it. Meanwhile, I heard bad news that my good family friend is not recovering well from his stroke. His brain is still bleeding and the neurologist thinks he will not recover. It is heartbreaking. But the family does not wish for sorrow, only positive, healing thoughts. Dinner that night with Peter’s folks. His dad made me a good tofu dish, which was very nice, especially considering I know his dad has no respect for other people who have gone vegetarian so I know he wouldn’t have respect for me, either. But he is acting respectfully and that was very nice of him. We stayed late to watch, “Kinky Boots.” I had intended to leave by 9:30pm but it was 9pm that the decision was made, and the movie was my choice of titles, and I over-rode my own common sense so I could watch with them.

Monday: Work day. I cut work an hour and a half early (no pay) due to exhaustion and wanting to go home and get some chores done. It so happened that Peter AND his roommate also showed up at about the same time as me! Ha. His roommate used the washing machine so I didn’t. Peter and I went grocery shopping. Then we ate an inexpensive restaurant because I was so exhausted and we thought this would be faster or whatever. The food turned out to be so spicy, I nearly had to leave the restaurant to get fresh air. I ate it but couldn’t feel my mouth.

I couldn’t sleep that night because of back pain, and EXTREME SINUS PAIN. I took some Aleve but it didn’t help. I laid on the floor for half of the night, and then moved to the bed, thinking it would help my back. I eventually drifted off to sleep for a very brief time. Then it was time to get up.

Tuesday: For therapy. Getting up was very hard. I left 10 minutes late from the apartment. The train was so full, I couldn’t get on and had to miss it and catch a train going to a different location, and make a switch at a different station where everybody was getting off, so the trains were emptier. I was 10 minutes late to therapy. And intensely cranky.

That’s a good word for me lately. CRANKY. Man, I don’t know if it’s the lower dose of thyroid medicine or my poor sleep quality, but I am CRANKY and MOODY. Part of my back pain last night was that my shoulder muscles WOULDN’T relax. I had been looking at e-textbook rentals and Kindle downloads and stuff before bed — so I think it could even just be stress.

I am very stressed to be on the verge of maybe quitting my job and being a full time student. I am stressed because Peter and I are about to buy a bed to fit my restless legs and a wardrobe for my things and I don’t know if I’m ready to officially commit like that, because that means we’re domestic partners and I would qualify for his health insurance according to his company’s amazing rules, and I’ll have to pay some toward rent and bills (as is, I pay for a lot of the food, but he and his roommate pay for all of the rent + electricity + all that). But then will I be afraid to break up with him later? Well, nah, no matter what, I can go onto the crappy exchange health insurance whenever I lose my coverage in the future, so long as I have the termination letter in hand. And I’ll be used to the campus by then, and be going there by myself, and will have made some friends/associations by then.

This school thing is going to be good for me.

Mood covering all the days: 2-5

Log: Jul 21 + 22 (Tue + Wed): Just catching up on sleep, still

Jul 21 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a; Work 10:30a – 5:30p;
Jul 22 (Wed): Work; Go to my aunt & uncle’s house and run some laundry

Tuesday: Therapy in the morning. Still tired. Accomplished what I needed to accomplish at work, and rented 1 textbook from online (smile.amazon.com, please! USE IT in place of the regular Amazon so you can have them send $$$ to charities!!!).

Summer Trees

Summer Trees

Spent hours looking online for assistive technologies for reading trouble. I found some amazing ones but they cost over $1500, no joke!!! I searched for phone apps and finally located one that was free to try out, and I loved it so much I went and paid the $2.99 for the full version, without ad banners and such. It’s FANTASTIC. You take a snapshot of a book page, tell it where the borders of the text are on the picture, then use the OCR text recognition. Then it is text that you can edit, save,  or in my case — I have my phone set to read aloud to me with just a 2-finger swipe down from the top of my phone screen. I personally use the male voice English/UK-US accent. I find the female voices very annoying and they break my concentration.

Anyway, it’s awesome. The app is called TurboScannerOCR. I needed to read an instructional manual last night, and I used this and got through the important bits! Fabulous. Technology is awesome.

I’m seriously debating buying technology like the Livescribe Smartpen for school, but the reviews are pretty iffy. It sounds like the best case scenario is that they’ll last about 2 years and then at the minimum will have issues with the display screens and become basically worthless. I don’t think it’s worth the money for something so expensive and short-lived. But the potential they have is amazing.

Friendly Cat

Friendly Cat

In other news, I’m doing something that is to some degree … immoral. I trimmed just the barest tips of 2 toenails off of my boyfriend’s roommate’s cat who has cut me so many times. I have scabs all over my hands from her, and the majority of my clothes now have holes or pulled threads. She is very, extremely friendly and sweet and loving and playful and a great cat, except her nails are so damn SHARP. And when she’s happy, she likes to knead. And she has no idea how to stop catching them on things — I’ve watched her get stuck on the tablecloth and pull it off and things like that. So I kind of … bought a high-rated pair of cutters and um, just let her see them, hear them, pet her with them… rub her paws with them (my boyfriend got her used to having her nails handled as a kitten, back then expecting them to get trimmed). Oops, *snip* one tip gone, she didn’t even notice. More rubs and love and happy times. 8 minutes later, the same thing kind of happened to a single nail on the other front paw… Okay, I KNOW it’s not my cat and I need to obtain permission… And I have all kinds of rationale for just doing it myself w/o asking… But really, I do know better. Not my cat, not my business. And I don’t reeaally want my boyfriend to know I’m a secretive sneak… But this seems like one of those things that is easier to ask forgiveness about and live with those consequences whereas if I asked up front and got a “no”, I’d keep having my clothes ruined and my skin scratched up. I’ll have to be honest about it at some point, but I’d like to get the rest of the front tips snipped before I tell them.

Then I took some selfies with the cat and they’re kind of cute, but stopped when she decided to climb onto my shoulder (ouch! I only did 2 toenail tips, after all!).

Fast forward. Peter came back and we made dinner together and cleaned up afterward together. Then we went on a walk. It was 8:30 pm. I only thought I’d go a couple of blocks, but I stayed feeling okay and we ended up at a park. And swung on a swingset for a while, with a small view of the city far out, between some palm trees. Me in my sandals and hoodie. I wondered at how I could have ever made it here, to this place. In my previous life, I could have never dreamed that I’d be in the middle of a big city at 9 pm, swinging on a swingset in a park, looking out over the city in summer clothes and a warm breeze in my hair. And rats rummaging around in the park around us (they were cute).

But we didn’t get to bed until midnight and I almost cried when he suggested getting up at 6:50am. I said he could, but I would set my alarm for 8am, so I’d have a hope of getting 8 hours of sleep. He decided to get up at 8 with me! ❤ I’m so glad. I was still too anxious (about not being able to get enough sleep) to fall asleep for a while, so I took 1 mg of clonazepam. I’ve hardly taken any in the past month. Then I went back down to my floor mat and sleeping bag, and put in EARPLUGS and wore an eye cover. And I SLEPT. I don’t remember waking up at ALLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Sadly, my sleep detector turned itself off during the night, so I don’t know how much movement I had.)

Wednesday: Not a lot to do yet at work today. It’s okay. I want to leave now, go to my uncle’s house, do my long-long-overdue laundry and pickup some other items, and then I wish I could nap. But instead, I think Peter will join me, we’ll go to this restaurant I got a coupon for, and then we’ll head back to his city, assuming my laundry is done.

I’m so behind on so many things. It’s feeling very pressured and out of control. It’s the textbooks and my horse and the non-action I’m taking. It’s so much going on and I’m still so far behind in sleep, but I’m working on getting caught back up. It just takes a long time and I can’t afford a messed up night.

Log: Jul 11 – 15 (Sat – Wed) SLEEP DEPRIVATION

Jul 11 (Sat): BBQ!!! Family
Jul 12 (Sun):
Music in the park
Jul 13 (Mon):
Work
Jul 14 (Tue):
 Therapy 8:30a; Work 10:30a – 2:30p; Primary care dr appt 3:30p;
Jul 15 (Wed): Work

The following image shows my actual sleep logs. I’ll give you a hint: Dark blue means you’re not flailing around. Light blue means I’m restless/moving/waking up. Pink means I got up to pee for the fourth time or just moved around even more than the regular light blue moments. The number on the right is the amount of dark blue I totaled for the night. So it thinks I slept soundly for a total of 4 hr and 13 minutes last night.

My Recent Sleep Logs

My Recent Sleep Logs

Saturday: FAMILY AND FRIENDS BBQ at my aunt & uncle’s place. MUCH FUN. Stayed up way too late. Actually, come to think of it, I stayed up talking with Peter until 4:30 am. After the BBQ, much chatting around and some amateur dancing, Peter and I went to bed but I started talking, and ended up sharing some of my childhood baggage and it lasted a long time. SLEEP DEFICIT CONTINUES.

Sunday: My herpes patch on the side of my nose returned (yeah, I never bothered to write about the first one in the first place. Rest assured, I now get oral herpes on the side of my nose. This is the second batch now).

But in cooler news, we did something really awesome with Peter’s folks at a park. It involved music. I unfortunately can’t be more specific. But really cool. We then had dinner with them and got back to Peter’s place very late. SLEEP DEFICIT CONTINUES.

Monday: Work. I can’t recall it very well now. I doubt I had many tasks. I think I got a few other chores done. Normally I stay Monday nights at my aunt & uncle’s house, so I can get to therapy first thing in the morning, but Peter and his roommate had finally chosen the day we were going to try the nearby Indian restaurant and I had been planning on joining them for two weeks (without a day chosen), so I decided to attend and Peter and I would just have to get up Tuesday morning at 6 am.

So we did. And the dinner was really good and I got to get to know his roommate just a tiny bit better (although I still understand him very little).

What came out of the blue was that one of Peter’s old friends from college years was in town and could meet at 10 pm. So we got back from dinner around 9 pm. I went immediately to the bed and crashed there, not sure if I’d try to join or not (I want to see how Peter is around his friends; that was a big eye-opener with my ex, so it’s important to me). So I tried to go into my “power-saving” mode for a while. I drifted in and out of sleep but also got heartburn since I laid down so soon after eating much Indian food. Then, between 10:30 and 11pm, the friend ended up having to cancel anyway, but by then I had insomnia and took extra time getting ready for bed, doing stretches, putting away a few of my things, etc. SLEEP DEFICIT WORSENS.

Tuesday: We had to get up early (well, *I* had to, and Peter chooses to join me, which I really appreciate). I was going to have to leave the apartment at 7:15am at the LATEST to make it to therapy on time. Somehow, this was accomplished, and it even involved eating breakfast with Peter (he made it while I got ready, which takes me ever so much longer than him). I skipped my shower for it.

I made it to therapy. I can’t say it was perhaps the most productive ever. I was crabby and didn’t want to discuss one of my more recent posts, which was about things I want to do, like the music and such, because that is overly personal for me. I can’t explain why I’m fine typing it here, but it’s nobody else’s business what’s inside of me for that. I suspect I’m just crabby from being tired. So then there was a lot of silence and I fell asleep like five times. Lovely.

Work… It was not busy. I don’t recall what I did, if anything. I drank a large mug of coffee.

I left work early for an appointment with my primary care doctor. I got my mandatory TB test, and I also discussed my sudden increase in acne and some other things I haven’t mentioned on here. She noticed my “rash” near my nose and asked if I wanted a swab for herpes… I said what’s the point. We both know it’s the oral herpes virus (which I blood-tested positive for last month, along with 80% of the rest of the population). She agreed it looked like it. I said I don’t want to spend any more money. It’s a pretty damn safe bet that it’s the herpes. She cautioned me not to kiss or anything, even though it’s up by my nose. Apparently my lips could be shedding the virus anyway. I wish I’d known that four weeks ago.

Oh, also, I’m going to be going down slightly on the my thyroid medicine. The last two bloodtests indicated that my thyroid levels are just touch high. In light of the bloodwork as well as recent heart palpitations and an inability to sleep, we’re going to try lowering the thyroid a touch. If it backfires, back up I’ll go. She wanted me to get bloodtested AGAIN first, but I pointed out that she’d already done a second test and it had showed the same upward trend as the previous. I can’t keep getting tested every time I have an appointment. I’m $900 in the red already this month. Thankfully, she agreed to lower the dose and I’ll get re-tested in six weeks.

So then I got back to Peter’s place and I pet one of the cats for a short time. Then I cooked some plain pasta. Then I waited for Peter to get home so we’d go to the grocery store and get some vegetables. I don’t recall the details, but we talked a lot when he first got home, so we didn’t end up leaving for the store immediately. Dinner took a while since all I’d done in advance was cook plain pasta noodles. He made up a bunch of fancy, delicious food to go with it. I washed spinach and carrots and sliced them up, although in the end he wasn’t in the mood for a salad. It’s funny, but he and I have pretty different eating tastes, I think. The things he could live on, I consider “rare treats”. The things I could live on, he would eat sparingly in the same way. But since we’re both contributing (as much as my exhaustion is allowing me right now), it’s working out just fine, IMO.

I’m too exhausted to continue pursuing the horse front right now. Sell my horse where she is, or bring her to me. If I bring her to me, I pay extra money each month, get to ride her on a beach and have SO MUCH FUN I can’t even picture it, but in the end should sell her anyway because of the continual drain on money. Financially, I should sell her where she is. But I’m too tired to allow myself any decisions on the topic right now. It’s on PAUSE.

So I got upset over something while at the grocery store yesterday. I’ll put it this way. He was super hungry and I was super exhausted by the time we were shopping. I was contemplating toothpaste ingredients and said out loud that I couldn’t remember for sure, but I thought maybe it was the SDS that I was allergic to, and he said he doubted that because that’s a foaming agent that’s in tons and tons of things. So I looked it up online and read some things listed as the common allergens in toothpastes and read some aloud and he said he felt like the website was just choosing any large word people wouldn’t recognize and say that that would be the allergen (he has a very chemist-y background and knows the chemical formulas and other names for each ingredient and their mechanisms of action and such). So I felt there was no point in continuing to speak on that topic so I asked if we could just change the topic. We did and I was able to perk up, but deep down I was stressed about it. He tried apologizing later if he’d come off cranky. But really, I’m so exhausted, everything everyone says to me right now is coming out looking BLACK and negative.

So after dinner, I just needed some Me time. I told him to just ignore me for the rest of the evening/night, and I was going to do the cleanup that night and plug in to my phone and just zone out into my own little world. That’s what I did. I cleaned up all the dishes and counters and stovetop and whatnot and listening to beautiful music and just ignored the whole world and it was wonderful. But what I really need is some fucking SLEEEEEEP. So, all that zoning out got me to a pretty late part of the evening/night. I’m starting to fall apart, I’m so tired. I took 1 mg of clonazepam and I feel like it helped a tiny bit. TOO LITTLE SLEEP.

Wednesday: I had SUCH a hard, painful time getting up again. I’m at work. I got done what I needed to get done. I could probably leave now and not miss anything, but I’d better just stay, especially since I won’t have an income soon. I still feel grouchy.

MOOD RANKING: 4 – 5.1

Log: Jul 7 – Jul 9 (Tue – Thu) Sleep is the Word

Jul 7 (Tue): Therapy 9:00a; Work 11:00a – 5:30p;
Jul 8 (Wed): Work; Rest
Jul 9 (Thu): Work; Chores

Lawn Daisy

Lawn Daisy

Tuesday: Therapy in the morning, then work. Then… Sheesh, I don’t remember. I was pretty tired. Busy days at work, which is great. I biked from therapy to work, and biked from work to the last possible train stop before there is no way of biking to Peter’s city. Then I got off the train as soon as possible and biked the rest of the way to his apartment. It was fun. I had too much antsy-type energy to go to bed that night, so we went on a night walk, and I was able to sleep when we got back. It was nice.

Wednesday: Work. It was really fun. I got to hand stamp 175 envelopes and stick the address labels and return address labels onto them. I like that kind of brainless, hands-on task. Then, I accidentally stayed late, although I’d already clocked out. I stayed late to get personal things done, like updating my budget. I had to backtrack to mid-June, so it took quite a while to get caught up again. I’m like $3000 in the hole this month. I think all the health insurance confusion caught up with me, as well as applying to school and whatnot.

So I got home late, cooked up some casual food (just some pasta and leftovers; actually Peter reheated the leftovers and boiled the broccoli after I had finished washing & chopping it). I’m glad for that. I hope it doesn’t drive him crazy. I am happy washing and cutting, but the actual cooking still scares me. I have such a long history of over-under-burning-rubberizing-etc my foods. Yuck. Oh, well.

THEN the exciting parts comes in. It was already very late by this point, but I got a little sweeping in and then I got to do some of my paper filing, which was I was several months behind on. SUCH RELIEF to have some of my junk filed away. And I found a wardrobe thingy online that Peter also agreed to, so I might buy it within the next 7 days so I have a better way of storing my belongings. We’ve discussed beds but no resolution on that yet. Next, I just need to get up the nerve to talk with his roommate about getting permission to trim the tips off of one of his cat’s front toe nails (she’s ruining all of my clothes and draws blood from me all the time, just because she is very friendly and loves to be on/near me, but is very stupid with retracting her claws). She gets stuck on things all the time. She isn’t a cat who deserves extremely sharp claws. She doesn’t use them well. She is a perfect cat for a touch of nail trimming, and I’m very familiar with how to do it. She doesn’t mind me handling her paws at all; Peter says he used to do that a lot when she was a kitten, so she’d be good with it. But still… permission from owner is what I need next.

Curly Plant

Curly Plant

Thursday: Well, I’m at work, and have one task awaiting me, but it’ll just take about five minutes to complete. Then I’ll do the dishes and vacuuming. Perhaps by then I’ll have more tasks.

BUT in the meanwhile, I’ve been doing personal business all week. Today, I’ve contacted insurance yet again, because they sent me a termination letter to my OLD address under my OLD last name, and the letter itself was really weird. I called and they had no idea why the letter had been sent but told me to ignore it. … Hmm. *has feeling this could come back to bite me in the butt some day*

Yesterday, I tried to get all of my ducks in a row for work study at the new school, but they actually thwarted me by saying because I am not a summer student, I can’t get the TB testing until a week before Fall semester begins. They won’t let me apply for work study until I’ve had a TB test, which they offer for free… but I feel like the jobs will be taken by then. Somewhere close to a zillion students attend this school each semester.

P.S. Sleep is the Word, because… I have been EXHAUSTED this week. I mean EXHAUSTED!!!!! EXHAUSTED. I am trying to sleep better, but I think I’m stressed. I’ve been clenching my jaw all night again for about a month now. My to-do list is so big and although I’m crossing stuff off of it every day, more stuff is always being added. My acne is still getting worse every day and it’s driving me crazy. What’s with it?!?!

Mood Ranking of These Days: 4 – 5.2

Log: Jun 2 + 3 (Tue + Wed) Calm but GI upset

Jun 2 (Tue): (No therapy); Work 11-00a – 5:30p
Jun 3 (Wed): Work 9:00a – 1:30p; Airplane 4p

Thank you for your support, everybody. For those of you who wrote me on my blog, and those of you who contacted me privately, thank you. I was really freaking out about having lost my insurance.

The rest of Monday’s log: By the evening, I had scrapped my then-plans and didn’t go to my uncle’s to get my stuff for packing. I considered: I was feeling so unwell mentally and not able to think, there was no way I was going to be able to pack. Nor would I be able to make myself food. So I went to Peter’s place instead, and we had leftovers there that he heated up for me. I felt so much better after I ate.

But I didn’t sleep. My stomach hurt too much.

Invader Zim Image -- Diarrhea!

Invader Zim Image — Diarrhea!

Tuesday: Getting out of bed was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HARD. I craved sleep. I was so tired. Then the cramping hit. Near the end of my shower, I had to curl over for a minute because the cramping hurt too much to stand up straight. And my whole body was super sensitive. The slightest touch hurt me. But I have a fear of people thinking I’m a hypochondriac so although I mentioned to Peter that I was feeling like I had caught a flu, I went to work anyway.

Yep! Diarrhea! ALLLLLLLL day.

OmfG was I exhausted by the end of the day. I was given an important task late in the afternoon so I couldn’t leave work early. I did leave before finishing, however. I went to my uncle’s house and talked with him for a little while. I hadn’t talked with him in a long time again. Then I gathered the few items I needed from there, and talked with him again. But this time he was angry about his cellphone touch screen not working and threw it on the desk once out of anger and I had some memories and could see it flying across the room and whatnot so I stayed back and let him know I was leaving. I told him to come in to work today so I could see him again before I leave to visit his mom.

Invader Zim -- Yep... Diarrhea!

Invader Zim — Yep… Diarrhea!

Anyway, then I went to Peter’s and it was very late by then. I packed and talked with my mom over the phone, who told me that my grandma has a diagnosis of acute kidney injury. That is different from kidney failure, although I don’t know how. I guess it is not good, whatever it is.

I took 1 mg of clonazepam and some pain medicine and I SLEPT!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAYYYY!! Sleep!

Wednesday: Somehow crawled out of bed with Peter. Showered. I’m all packed. Grabbed some breakfast-to-go because I needed to hit work in time to finish up these reports. I’m feeling fine emotionally, and haven’t had any GI issues yet — that could be because all I’ve eaten since yesterday morning is PBJ’s. But I’m drinking electrolyte fluids and whatnot. Got to finish up some work stuff and then head to the airport. Health insurance issues will have to wait for me. Signing up for classes will have to wait for me (I got accepted at least — have a student email address already and everything!).

UPDATE: Okay! Here we goooo! (Shutting down, doing the dishes, and heading to the airport!) ‘Later everyone!