Depression is coming back

I am writing only to report that for the past couple of weeks, I’ve been feeling depression creeping back in. As only a fellow person who has experienced depression can understand. It is not like I am in a great mood and then “something happens” in my life and boom, I’m suddenly depressed. No. I’ve been watching it coming for weeks. The breathing getting harder, the feelings of happiness becoming fewer and farther between. The irritability become intolerable and snipping and hating everyone around me for nothing. The pain of looking around, the headaches, the stomach aches. The breathing in and stopping for a minute and thinking, My God[] this would be so much easier if I didn’t exist. The making self exercise, making self eat nutritiously. Making self go to bed at a decent hour in spite of desire to stay up late. And you know, you can FEEL, it is only getting worse. It hasn’t started to get better yet.

Advertisements

Mundane Update

I’m calling this a mundane update. I’d say that I normally only come on here when my emotions are high or out of whack or something’s eating me, etc.

But I logged in for a different reason this evening, and thought, perhaps I would go ahead and write. Because writing helps me stay stable.

And I feel completely stable at present. I.E. I normally wouldn’t be writing. So here I am.

I’ll give a day recap. I had a big exam this morning in computer programming. I hope it went okay; time will tell. Tutoring was really challenging because students from one of the other classes came in for emergency help (their exam is tomorrow) but it was from a class that hardly anyone asks for help for, so I don’t remember the content very well. And I hadn’t brought the right notes; I didn’t realize some of those classes were that far in the book. I don’t bring my full notes because they’re so heavy.

I actually went across town after school/work. That’s not my norm. But last night, I got an invite to dinner with my SO and some of his friends, one of whom I have met a couple of times now and I enjoy his company. So we went even though it was for a very late dinner and we only just got back a bit ago. It’s late. I’m super sleepy.

I’m getting over a virus. I had to take like a week off of school. I missed the exam review and the last bit of new info for it and everything! So I studied a lot this-past weekend.

Pokémon Go is pretty exciting right now. They re-balanced the gym prestige. And this week, or for a few days anyway, they’re running these crazy double-poké stop goodies and double (or more) spawn rates of critters. This is tied into my getting-over-my-virus because I finally feel a bit of energy returning so I’m probably going to go out on a Poké bike ride tomorrow after work, or at least a nice walk. I walked a tiny bit extra today, and it was really nice. The sunset was amazing.

I’m super, incredibly behind in my online school. Well, only a week or 2, but it feels like a lot. It’s because my current class is a writing-based class and I suck at writing papers. I have one I need to revise TOMORROW (I’m telling myself that) and then I need to write one more paper. Then I can move onto a different class, thank goodness.

Well, I’m incredibly sleepy beyond words, so goodnight. Voting is tomorrow here but I already voted.

A wee bit of mania

So all I can say for this week is… IF I were a wee bit toward bipolar, this would be my wee bit toward mania. I’m thinking back and finding that my physical weakness is what stops me from doing so much, and that’s a good thing.

image

Pancakes taste best when they’re the same color as the skillet, right?? 🙂

Today, I actually got up “early” for me (it was 8 or 9 am, when my bf got up for work; it was a late start for him). I chatted with my phone via phone for 35 minutes (she was driving hands-free; the phone was hands-free, not the steering wheel). It was a fun conversation and my bf got ready for work. Afterward, I asked him what he’d like for breakfast. He had 15 minutes left before he had to leave. He suggested gf pancakes. I jumped up and started making them (I had a mix). They didn’t turn out (my batter was too thick; I kept waiting for the tops to bubble but they didn’t; the bottoms burnt up while I was waiting for the tops). Anyway, a few turned out all right so he ate and ran (the REALLY burnt ones didn’t take place until after he was gone and I was making the rest of the batter).

Anyway. Me cooking = pretty extreme. That doesn’t happen. Me, in a super cheerful mood, rushes upstairs and realizes I still have time to put away half of the clean laundry before taking my shower and heading to class. And I did so. I bicycled there and was on time. (Unheard of.) And I managed to have all of the bits and pieces organized for the day. [THIS HAS BEEN NOT HAPPENING WELL LATELY. I have a different schedule each day and have been grabbing or not grabbing things very poorly for the day.] I also planned to maybe bike to the beach after school.

After class, I was hungry. I ate a snack bar and went to a food place on campus to search for food. No luck. So I was still playing with this idea to bike to the ocean. And find a taco place on the way. So I swapped out my bike locks so my lighter two were in my bag and my heavy one is left on campus (when you see random locks left on posts and such — no longer assume they are left there by people whose tires were stolen; it could be left there by people who park there frequently enough and don’t want to drag the weight back and forth with them anymore). The bike shop guy told me about that. So anyway. I packed up from school and headed out toward the ocean. Yeah. Awesome. This crazy city has bike routes every which way, it seems. I really don’t understand why more people don’t bicycle around here.

image

Sanderlings are present there… tiny little dots in a backlit photo

So I made it to the BEACH!!! It was SOOOO WINDY. I was being PELTED in the face with sand. It kind of stung. But I saw some sanderlings down along the water line and wanted to photograph them, so I dragged my bike down through the sand, do or die. And then pushed/walked my bike along the shore for a while. Then discovered the bike paths up above the shore. The sand blasting was worse up there but I stayed and rode along there for quite a while. Eventually I went back toward home but stopped first at a bike shop:

“How much would you charge to clean the sand out of my gears??? It’s making an awful sound…” haha.  It turned out my break pads needed to be replaced as well as my stretched chain. (I’D FORGOTTEN THAT YOU NEED TO REPLACE YOUR CHAIN EVERY half year or year or however hard you ride your bike. It’s really important because when it gets stretched, it then doesn’t fit on the cogs as well and starts to wear them down. Eventually you’ll need expensive fixes all because you didn’t just buy a new chain once or twice a year!!!) So yeah. Today was expensive.

But I’ve got to tell you. My bike is riding so much more smoothly now and my breaks are amazing. LOL

image

Ice plant

Hey so in light of this feeling awfully suspiciously like an innerdragon wee bit of mania phase (my body ran out of the ability to move so I just sat in the bike shop for 1.5 hours while they worked on it), I took my PRN night medicine. It’s for sleep but it’s technically an anti-anxiety medicine. But I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I keep waking up very alert. Last night, I couldn’t fall asleep because my OCD flared up and I couldn’t get past this loop of this one thought that played over and over and over again in my head and was making me really mad at my bf. (It was something trivial along the same lines of when people squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle or something. I literally don’t recall what it was anymore – that’s how unimportant it was. But OBSESSIVE THINKING OBSESSIVE THINKING. I couldn’t get my mind to switch to a new topic. Anyway, I don’t want to think about it.) Tonight, I’m going to sleep. This medicine is prescribed originally for my restless leg syndrome but it also helps me fall asleep and stay asleep. And that I can think more clearly without being stopped constantly by anxiety is a wonderful side effect.

image

Ice plants, gull, moon. Along the shore

Oh yeah. So I’ve already had dinner (bf’s mother saved me a portion of salmon! I had some more things as well). I’ve watched a bit of TV with her this evening. Now I’ve run another load of laundry (bedding and a towel this time) AND put away everything. Bf’s clothes, my clothes, and remade the bed. I’m just waiting now to see if he notices. He’s not always observant about certain things. I think if I left the pillows on top of the clean sheet, he’ll notice, but if I tuck them back under as usual, then maybe he won’t notice. Ah the way we entertain ourselves in life.

One of my beloved cousins in visiting my folks right now. I have a beloved photo of my baby dog greeting her gently, her with suitcases still in hand. ❤ My old man baby dog. He may have something serious wrong with him health-wise but the vets haven’t ruled out that maybe it is something that can be corrected with diet changes. So he is on a new diet and loving it. But is still skin and bones, my poor baby. It is hard to be away from him. No moment spent with him was ever or could ever be a wasted moment.

Oh yeah so back to the sleep medicine. I’m on this and it’s fully kicked in. I decided it was called for because at this point, I obviously could only benefit from something grounding like a solid sleep. Tomorrow, I need to focus on studying. I played today.

Log: Jul 23 – Jul 28 (Thu – Tue) Where does the time go?

Jul 23 (Thu): Work;
Jul 24 (Fri): Work;
Jul 25 (Sat): ;
Jul 26 (Sun): ;
Jul 27 (Mon): Work;
Jul 28 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a; Work 10:30a – 5:30p; Dinner with my brother? (maybe cancelled by him)

Well geez. Don’t ask me how I’m going to remember what took place during these days. Ah, hey! I can look back at my text messages.

Thursday: Worked. My brother showed up randomly – he happened to be in the area for something else. After work, I went back to his apartment with him. We discussed getting dinner but he actually had too much cleaning to do (his gf was set to fly in shortly) and so we set a rain-check. So I left there for the train and had dinner with Peter.

AH HA HA HA HA!!!!! This appears to be the night I went vegetarian again! Ha. It’s sad, because he was cooking up sausages at the time, but he asked me something and I answered, and he asked another question, and noticed a discrepancy in my answer. He basically made me think too hard about why I am eating meat on one hand, and against eating meat on the other hand (he knows I plan to be vegetarian in the future). I couldn’t reconcile it in my head, so the only result I could come up with was that obviously I shouldn’t be eating meat. So I’m not. It’s the 3rd time I’ve gone vegetarian & I know it won’t last, but I do feel better when I’m not eating meat. It’s just so much damn EASIER to eat meat. There’s so much FUSS when eating with other people who are cooking up a good meal and it’s full of meat and you have to be rude, etc etc. Oh, well. It happened. I’m back. I’ll get it figured out and I’ll be very glad for it. 🙂

Friday: I got home, I made myself a dinner; Peter was going to be very late coming home. I assumed he ate the free meal at his work, so I didn’t make him anything. I made myself some yummy tofu and a big salad. Then I asked if he’d eaten, and he hadn’t, but he was only expecting a PBJ. I made him a PBJ and attempted some roasted bell pepper and a salad. I was so proud of myself.

Saturday: Huhmmm. Ah, Peter and I did some excessively domestic banking stuff. Hmm. That night, we watched my maternal extended family home video, which I love.

Sunday: Peter & I tried to get a wardrobe thing for me but after going and getting it into the flat cart and all that, we realized it wouldn’t fit into a cab. So we didn’t get it. Meanwhile, I heard bad news that my good family friend is not recovering well from his stroke. His brain is still bleeding and the neurologist thinks he will not recover. It is heartbreaking. But the family does not wish for sorrow, only positive, healing thoughts. Dinner that night with Peter’s folks. His dad made me a good tofu dish, which was very nice, especially considering I know his dad has no respect for other people who have gone vegetarian so I know he wouldn’t have respect for me, either. But he is acting respectfully and that was very nice of him. We stayed late to watch, “Kinky Boots.” I had intended to leave by 9:30pm but it was 9pm that the decision was made, and the movie was my choice of titles, and I over-rode my own common sense so I could watch with them.

Monday: Work day. I cut work an hour and a half early (no pay) due to exhaustion and wanting to go home and get some chores done. It so happened that Peter AND his roommate also showed up at about the same time as me! Ha. His roommate used the washing machine so I didn’t. Peter and I went grocery shopping. Then we ate an inexpensive restaurant because I was so exhausted and we thought this would be faster or whatever. The food turned out to be so spicy, I nearly had to leave the restaurant to get fresh air. I ate it but couldn’t feel my mouth.

I couldn’t sleep that night because of back pain, and EXTREME SINUS PAIN. I took some Aleve but it didn’t help. I laid on the floor for half of the night, and then moved to the bed, thinking it would help my back. I eventually drifted off to sleep for a very brief time. Then it was time to get up.

Tuesday: For therapy. Getting up was very hard. I left 10 minutes late from the apartment. The train was so full, I couldn’t get on and had to miss it and catch a train going to a different location, and make a switch at a different station where everybody was getting off, so the trains were emptier. I was 10 minutes late to therapy. And intensely cranky.

That’s a good word for me lately. CRANKY. Man, I don’t know if it’s the lower dose of thyroid medicine or my poor sleep quality, but I am CRANKY and MOODY. Part of my back pain last night was that my shoulder muscles WOULDN’T relax. I had been looking at e-textbook rentals and Kindle downloads and stuff before bed — so I think it could even just be stress.

I am very stressed to be on the verge of maybe quitting my job and being a full time student. I am stressed because Peter and I are about to buy a bed to fit my restless legs and a wardrobe for my things and I don’t know if I’m ready to officially commit like that, because that means we’re domestic partners and I would qualify for his health insurance according to his company’s amazing rules, and I’ll have to pay some toward rent and bills (as is, I pay for a lot of the food, but he and his roommate pay for all of the rent + electricity + all that). But then will I be afraid to break up with him later? Well, nah, no matter what, I can go onto the crappy exchange health insurance whenever I lose my coverage in the future, so long as I have the termination letter in hand. And I’ll be used to the campus by then, and be going there by myself, and will have made some friends/associations by then.

This school thing is going to be good for me.

Mood covering all the days: 2-5

Log: Jul 21 + 22 (Tue + Wed): Just catching up on sleep, still

Jul 21 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a; Work 10:30a – 5:30p;
Jul 22 (Wed): Work; Go to my aunt & uncle’s house and run some laundry

Tuesday: Therapy in the morning. Still tired. Accomplished what I needed to accomplish at work, and rented 1 textbook from online (smile.amazon.com, please! USE IT in place of the regular Amazon so you can have them send $$$ to charities!!!).

Summer Trees

Summer Trees

Spent hours looking online for assistive technologies for reading trouble. I found some amazing ones but they cost over $1500, no joke!!! I searched for phone apps and finally located one that was free to try out, and I loved it so much I went and paid the $2.99 for the full version, without ad banners and such. It’s FANTASTIC. You take a snapshot of a book page, tell it where the borders of the text are on the picture, then use the OCR text recognition. Then it is text that you can edit, save,  or in my case — I have my phone set to read aloud to me with just a 2-finger swipe down from the top of my phone screen. I personally use the male voice English/UK-US accent. I find the female voices very annoying and they break my concentration.

Anyway, it’s awesome. The app is called TurboScannerOCR. I needed to read an instructional manual last night, and I used this and got through the important bits! Fabulous. Technology is awesome.

I’m seriously debating buying technology like the Livescribe Smartpen for school, but the reviews are pretty iffy. It sounds like the best case scenario is that they’ll last about 2 years and then at the minimum will have issues with the display screens and become basically worthless. I don’t think it’s worth the money for something so expensive and short-lived. But the potential they have is amazing.

Friendly Cat

Friendly Cat

In other news, I’m doing something that is to some degree … immoral. I trimmed just the barest tips of 2 toenails off of my boyfriend’s roommate’s cat who has cut me so many times. I have scabs all over my hands from her, and the majority of my clothes now have holes or pulled threads. She is very, extremely friendly and sweet and loving and playful and a great cat, except her nails are so damn SHARP. And when she’s happy, she likes to knead. And she has no idea how to stop catching them on things — I’ve watched her get stuck on the tablecloth and pull it off and things like that. So I kind of … bought a high-rated pair of cutters and um, just let her see them, hear them, pet her with them… rub her paws with them (my boyfriend got her used to having her nails handled as a kitten, back then expecting them to get trimmed). Oops, *snip* one tip gone, she didn’t even notice. More rubs and love and happy times. 8 minutes later, the same thing kind of happened to a single nail on the other front paw… Okay, I KNOW it’s not my cat and I need to obtain permission… And I have all kinds of rationale for just doing it myself w/o asking… But really, I do know better. Not my cat, not my business. And I don’t reeaally want my boyfriend to know I’m a secretive sneak… But this seems like one of those things that is easier to ask forgiveness about and live with those consequences whereas if I asked up front and got a “no”, I’d keep having my clothes ruined and my skin scratched up. I’ll have to be honest about it at some point, but I’d like to get the rest of the front tips snipped before I tell them.

Then I took some selfies with the cat and they’re kind of cute, but stopped when she decided to climb onto my shoulder (ouch! I only did 2 toenail tips, after all!).

Fast forward. Peter came back and we made dinner together and cleaned up afterward together. Then we went on a walk. It was 8:30 pm. I only thought I’d go a couple of blocks, but I stayed feeling okay and we ended up at a park. And swung on a swingset for a while, with a small view of the city far out, between some palm trees. Me in my sandals and hoodie. I wondered at how I could have ever made it here, to this place. In my previous life, I could have never dreamed that I’d be in the middle of a big city at 9 pm, swinging on a swingset in a park, looking out over the city in summer clothes and a warm breeze in my hair. And rats rummaging around in the park around us (they were cute).

But we didn’t get to bed until midnight and I almost cried when he suggested getting up at 6:50am. I said he could, but I would set my alarm for 8am, so I’d have a hope of getting 8 hours of sleep. He decided to get up at 8 with me! ❤ I’m so glad. I was still too anxious (about not being able to get enough sleep) to fall asleep for a while, so I took 1 mg of clonazepam. I’ve hardly taken any in the past month. Then I went back down to my floor mat and sleeping bag, and put in EARPLUGS and wore an eye cover. And I SLEPT. I don’t remember waking up at ALLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Sadly, my sleep detector turned itself off during the night, so I don’t know how much movement I had.)

Wednesday: Not a lot to do yet at work today. It’s okay. I want to leave now, go to my uncle’s house, do my long-long-overdue laundry and pickup some other items, and then I wish I could nap. But instead, I think Peter will join me, we’ll go to this restaurant I got a coupon for, and then we’ll head back to his city, assuming my laundry is done.

I’m so behind on so many things. It’s feeling very pressured and out of control. It’s the textbooks and my horse and the non-action I’m taking. It’s so much going on and I’m still so far behind in sleep, but I’m working on getting caught back up. It just takes a long time and I can’t afford a messed up night.