- 10mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
- multivite tablet
- 0.5mg lorazepam
// Cut for 2 potential Trigger Warnings: Intestinal function detail & reference to sex//
// Cut for 2 potential Trigger Warnings: Intestinal function detail & reference to sex//
Well, you’ve been warned.
My grandma died today. It was unexpected. She was totally healthy, aside from being high in age. I hadn’t known, but she was even planning, with other relatives, to fly and visit my parents soon.
It’s sad for the living. I wonder how my dad is holding up. She’s his mom. He hadn’t come down last time there was a family get-together. He was going to see her when she came and visited. I can imagine he would have felt like there was still plenty of time; they were both healthy.
She woke up in the morning. She did the things she normally does. She and my mom were playing a word game electronically with each other; Grandma had put out another letter. But then she was found dead in bed.
All of my grandparents are dead now. It’s kind of unreal. Aside from the initial moments of feeling nothing at all, my next reaction is to crave childhood. To want to go back and re-experience all of the trips and be with them again, from the viewpoint of when life seemed stable and everyone around me was set in themselves and so sure. When I had total trust and faith and belief in the adults around me. And it seemed like everything would last forever.
So I want to curl up and listen to old, familiar music. I want to listen to what my grandparents would listen to, but I can’t think of it. I want to drink the drinks I drank when visiting them all, but most have eluded me. I remember one grandpa’s mystery punch. I remember being allowed to drink these really fancy sodas at the other grandparents’ house. I remember their yellowy-vinel-like table cloth on what I remember as a small, round table. There were a lot of animals there.
At one grandparents’ house, I would play lots of card games. My grandma there enjoyed Gin Rummy and would play any card game. My other grandparents used to play Dominos. I know we also played card games together; was it Hearts? I’ll have to ask my parents.
I can’t believe life.
School goes on, classes go on, work goes on. The people around me go on with their own worries and their own viewpoints. But it’s hard. My mind wants to be in the past. I don’t want to be in this moment. I don’t want to go to class; I don’t want to go to work; I don’t want to chat about anything of interest here. I want Family.
It’s hard to look into the eye of a life change that already happened without you acknowledging it. I moved away a couple of years ago and left my pony behind out of necessity. It’s becoming more “real” that she won’t be mine and I’ve been feeling completely numb and irritable for the past few days.
It’s a GOOD thing for my pony; the lady who wants her is very dominant– exactly what my pony needs in order to listen and stay safe. They’re both full of energy. It should be a good fit. But it’s hard. I’m selfish and “want” this horse to be mine forever. I’ve had her for a very long time. She was still pretty young when I first got her; now she is at least 11.
But it’s the giving up of the horse world. I wonder if I resent that I got involved with a human that isn’t into horses and doesn’t want to live with them on his property. In a past life, I would have found that unacceptable. Now, year by year my old life slips away.
I’m in a city and there are things about that that I like. I like that there are always people around, and their energy. I like all the street lights and people and in some ways, I feel safer in this environment than I ever did alone in the woods.
But at the same time, I don’t feel like I’m home and I don’t expect to live in a city forever. Home is where the horses are. Home is where the mountains are. Home is where the forests are.
I don’t know if I’ll ever make it back home. But I am telling myself that I want to stay here until I get this Accounting degree. AFTER that, I will be free to leave. AFTER it, I will be free to find a horsey place and breathe them and hear them and feel their steps around me. I’ll have a dog again (maybe foster dogs). I will make this happen AFTER I get a degree. It should take 2 or 3 more years.
This is life and I must remember to breathe and enjoy the scents here. There are trees around. There is sometimes a very strong sun and warmth on my face. I might feel lonely at times, but I’m certainly never alone here. It’s strange to me that there isn’t a single horse barn in the city. Not a single one. I guess real estate in populated areas would make it unaffordable, since horses need a lot of room. But it’s too bad. Wouldn’t people pay a bundle for carriage rides through parks?
If this is all there is to life, it will be okay. I am getting outside to walk a lot now (thanks to Pokémon Go– which will certainly cause some of you to pull back with some disdain). It’s also got my out and bicycling quite a bit. I’m getting lots of outdoor exercise. What more could I want from life? (Other than to go back to my old-old life, with my parents and my dog, and my pony at the first barn, and gardening and painting and writing and drawing and watching “The Dog Whisperer”…) Funny that the time I’d look back on as my favorite was from a couple of years after my failure at college, and after my Asperger diagnosis, just chilling with my folks, working parttime (at a high-paying job that was very difficult for me) and taking care of my animals and plants. THAT was LIFE.
So I am doing a little bit of “life” right now, with the outdoor exercising. I drew a picture the other day. I knit a tiny bit yesterday (first time in years). But I’m so, so numb right now. Hopefully it will pass quickly. I do need to solidify the transfer of ownership of my pony, however.
(It is amazing that anyone is still there reading this, considering how long I go between posts lately.)
Last semester, I was actually doing fabulously. Have I mentioned that? I was pretty emotionally stable. I stayed up with my classes. I enjoy tutoring.
I’m in summer now, and things are different. It’s decision time. I told you about that already. But the not-knowing for sure what I’m about to do once summer ends is weighing heavily on me and affecting my sleep (LACK of sleep, be sure). I’m having to take clonazepam more frequently than is my norm, just to get some sleep each week (that’s the drug I’m prescribed for night because it helps my restless leg syndrome as well as helping with the anxiety AS WELL as having a happy side effect of some drowsiness). So it’s my miracle night drug, but I try not to take it more than a couple of times per week, since I don’t want to get addicted or have it become less effective.
I’m grateful I have it available. I can’t imagine getting through times like these without it, really. Before I finally searched around through all of my belongings to find my bottle of it, I had gotten sleep-deprived enough that I was getting seriously loopy and forgetting things like crazy and crossing over what I dreamed and what happened in reality. If you get that sleep-deprived, you know what I’m describing.
I’m taking C++ this semester, because the Accounting choices were slim pickings for summer (I’d already taken all of the ones offered!). I am LOVING C++. It concerns me. What happens if I end up wanting to switch majors?!?! I am really loving it. But I’m also loving being an Accounting tutor. The trouble is, I don’t actually have any interest in Accounting topics themselves — I couldn’t care less about tax laws or auditing. I’m going to have to learn all of those things. And I know I can do it, once I re-align my goals again.
But I’m actually INTERESTED in this computer programming. If I could program, there is SO much I could do. Years ago, I started drawing out diagrams for apps and stuff I wanted to hire someone to make for me and sell! So now that I’ve had a taste and can dream that one day *I* could write my *own* programs??? I have a lot of interest in that. But it would mean starting over and having wasted a whole year! (Well, not wasted as far as learning SO MUCH about myself — like that I’m capable of being a successful student (that wasn’t the case previously) — and capable of tutoring!! (I’d have NEVER guessed!) — and I took a jogging class, piano, and so much more. But it was a wasted year as far as income. My tutoring income doesn’t even cover half of the rent per month. I’m not joking. My savings is going poof too rapidly. [Besides, end goal is to work for animal rescue. I KNOW I could do that via accounting. Could I do that via computer programming? I have some vague ideas, but don’t know that one with enough certainty to bet on it.]
I haven’t even paid for my pony’s board this month. My friend hasn’t mentioned it — she knows what’s up — but it weighs on me. I want to gift her to my friend but her husband would go nuts if she legally owned another horse. So we’re in this weird limbo right now and don’t know where it’s headed.
I gave someone a dollar today. It was for an interesting scenario. But she said there is a special angel in heaven waiting for me and gave me a hug. She had a really cute 1.5 year old dog who was very happy.
I’ve needed to write here. I wish I would focus myself to do this every day. It helps. But I basically have only enough focus for school and the tutoring. I allow EVERYTHING else to drop off of the planet. I even missed an appointment with my psychiatrist. I didn’t mean to but she’d confirmed in email and I MEANT to reply again and I MEANT to write it on my calendar but just never got around to it. It went into the pile with the other thousands of emails I haven’t responded to over the decade+.
I’m homesick. I’m REALLY homesick. I. Want. To. Be. Home. Right now. This week. This month. It probably happened when my world here went into a limbo mode (don’t know what I’m doing next semester). But I want my old life back — the one before I was married. I want to live with my parents and brush my dog and trim his nails and drive out to see my pony and train her and groom her. I want to smell her on my clothes and carseat and have to take allergy medicine and the whole deal. I miss my life.
Breaking up with my boyfriend and moving out of this house would almost be worth it if I could live in a place where I could foster animals. I don’t want to WAIT for my life to start; I want to start it tomorrow. I want to be helping animals right now.
The animal shelters around here have zillions of volunteers. That’s what you get in a city, I guess. I would sign up but I honestly feel like they have endless volunteers and I wouldn’t be in my niche. There is an emergency vet nearby. I’m considering going and asking if they have any use for an intern or volunteer or something. I’d be fine just cleaning cages of animal waste or whatever behind-the-scenes thing I could do. I just don’t want to be one who has to tell an owner that we had to euthanize their pet. I’m not ready for that yet.
I have to go now. Goodnight.
I spoke with my professor after class today. I have him for two classes — one is a daytime class and I always attend and stay caught up and try to participate when I can. The other is a night class and my attendance has been terrible. Not just terrible — but often I don’t show up, and all other times I show up late. (Until last week) I have been staying caught up at home but then avoiding going to class anyway. This is because it’s a night class and across the city. It doesn’t take any longer to get there than to get to my usual classes, but mentally it’s much harder. And I’ve been getting anxious about it days in advance. Basically from one class to the next. If I think about the subject, I’m fine. If I think about the professor, I’m fine. If I think about the location, not fine. If I think about the time of night, not fine. And my boyfriend has even been meeting me after he gets off of work and taking the bus back home with me. Plus I have two friends in the class (that’s why I thought it might be okay to take this class in the first place). But no. Every Wednesday comes and I feel completely incapable of going. It’s more like just lie on my bed and try to conserve energy for the night class, and feel more and more anxious all the while.
Anyway, so I spoke with my professor about it and he says that he can see I try hard and am a good student. He’ll be fine with me NOT attending the class in-person anymore! I can do all of the work at home and submit it, and come to his normal office hours when I need help!!!!! I wanted to give him a hug. For the day of our final, he is going to be on my normal campus, I can hang around there for a bit and then take the bus with him straight to the night class. So I won’t be trying to travel alone in the evening, and will get to the final on time! Yay!!! That is pretty darn amazing.
Okay, this is half joke, a quarter revenge and a quarter serious.
Joke: I just learned about “Sunk Costs” in Accounting
Revenge: I had to pay a bogus citation plus a HUGE late fee (okay, the late part was my own fault). The citation was for allegedly not swiping my card on a bus. But in truth, I did swipe it but the reader was busted. I protested it unsuccessfully through writing. Then I gathered tons of documentation and things for an in-person hearing but took them downtown 4 days late. My fault but the late fee was HUGE. Ridiculous. For a bogus citation. So I’m going to make back the money by not using them for my regular routes.
Serious: I do want to spend less on transportation.
My updates to the remaining number of avoided bus rides will be in the COMMENTS to this post, because that’s easiest for me to update when out and about. It’ll be a “stickied” post on my front page until I complete the 67 avoided bus rides.
I couldn’t let you know ahead of time but I went Home (my parents and dog) recently. I’m back home (bf, school) now but I made it and it was wonderful. I can’t say much tonight; I’m going to go to bed very shortly.
There was much skiing and walking and such. I mean much. Every day.
So now that I’m back, I don’t want to lose that momentum. So I went to the bike shop after school yesterday and got my bike all fixed up (there were some things wrong). I also bought yet another lock. Two, actually. One is just to hold my seat on. The other is a fricking expensive but light-weight u-lock for my frame. City living…
So I biked to school today. That was pretty rough. I had to walk two hills on the return trip. It was a total of 9 miles and not flat enough for me. And my anti-persperant definitely couldn’t hold up… Plus I had jogging class. Apologies to the folks who sat near me at the tutoring center today.
It’s hard to be away from my parents and my dog. It’s interesting what kinds of things I have such strong emotional attachments to and what I can now part with. I parted with some more clothing. Even a black sweatshirt I had held onto for maybe close to two decades even though it had shrunk and was too small for me. But for many years, it held sand from an old Hawaii trip in its pockets, even after numerous washes. It was very sentimental for me. But I was able to part with it.
Then there were things in my childhood bedroom that had been rearranged and I was actually able to rearrange certain things, too. That’s pretty big for me. Certain shelves had to be kept in a certain arrangement or else I would experience intense anxiety due to OCD. It would feel that my luck would change and I would get terminally ill or those I loved could get terminally ill or injured. But it was not so bad this time around.
That is not to say I was able to part with all sorts of things. There is still so much I’m hanging onto and I wish I could let them go. But I won’t despair; it seems that things have been getting a little easier each time. So perhaps next time I am there, I can part with a few more things. And so on.
Anyway, I really need to go to sleep. One thing I did not get a lot of was good-quality sleep. For one thing, I was sometimes very sore and didn’t take pain medicine and thus didn’t sleep well. For another, there was a headboard I wasn’t used to and kept bonking my head into it.
Oh, but being with my parents and dog was WONDERFUL WONDERFUL WONDERFUL. There is so much I could say and tell about.
Things seem better already, just having gone through the previous realization of the “manic music phase” trigger and also sharing all of my thoughts of the past week with my bf just now, verbally. He was relieved because all he knew for sure was that I was super closed down all week and not communicating and he didn’t know what in the world was going on. We’re talking again. I’m feeling a lot better knowing it was the guitar trigger and considering ways of dealing with that more directly. I am going to try a school counselor on Monday and see how that is. Goodnight, all.
Damn. So following my last post, things were smooth. I mean, several days in a row were smooooth. I almost made myself post about them. Things were going so nicely. I love my new job. I’m staying caught up in one class.
Then boom. Sickness hits. It’s just a minor head cold. The sore throat (my trigger) passed within 24-ish hours, so very little panic and whatnot. Sniffles, no biggie. Cough, no chest pain. Post-nasal-drip during the night for several nights in a row, so hardly any sleep, terrible but survivable. Then I picked up some cold medicine and it let me sleep through the night for two nights, pretty much. I haven’t needed to use it again since then because although the cough & nose are still productive, it’s not that bad.
Slipping. I’m slipping. Emotionally. This other class happened last Saturday and again today. The time inbetween has … okay not been the best. This class has assigned papers and too many for a one-week period (I did… um 2. The short ones. The rest, are now officially overdue). Okay that could certainly be a trigger. My bf tried to tell me this but I refused to listen (i.e. I thought he was wrong and wasn’t listening to ME because I kept saying it’s just this damn cold and once I feel better, I’ll be on top of my stuff again). No, I should have listened. It’s was a big, motherfucker trigger.
So now? My energy has been leaving more and more every day. It’s this goddamn virus, I swear it is. I checked last night too — I took anti-anxiety medicine just in case that would clear things up and I’d be able to focus on the paper. But no, it didn’t help.
Mono. If any of you have had mono before, that is how I’ve been feeling lately. Like I have the energy level I had back when I had mono. In other words, capable of going about some zombie resemblance of a day and then CRASH. NOTHING left. NO words, NO thought, NO movement. I felt like my body was dying.
But it wasn’t truly until today that shit is hitting. It is hitting me. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong, altogether. I walked myself to the ER tonight. I didn’t check in; I just paced in the ER for maybe twenty minutes. I texted with “Joe” from last year. I feel like he’s the only one in my life who is capable of showing sympathy/empathy in the way that I can “feel” so I told him I was in a really bad spot and he listened and asked me what had me so triggered, and that’s the first time I was thinking about it rationally. Like in the sense of triggers. Of course this class with assigned papers is a trigger. Of course the pressure to maintain my straight-A’s from last semester is too much for me. Of course the new job of tutoring and this guy who seems to have a crush on me (but I’ve made it very clear that I have a boyfriend and am not looking) and other students who come in and out and some of them I’m able to help confidently and others it is a real struggle but I am really enjoying that job.
But things with me and my bf are so rough right now. We’re not communicating well and it’s mostly me because I am making things weird and being really touchy. I don’t want advice about it, please — I wish to share what’s happening in my life, but please take it for what it is — I am just sharing — not seeking advice on my relationship. I need to get my head straight again.
I wanted to cut tonight. I don’t know what’s been up. My head is in and out of reality today, this virus, the fog in my brain, reality and dissociation. I was walking to the ER and I looked both ways to cross the street and let my mind ponder, because I had started to cross first without looking, I mean the hand sign was green and all that, but of course the small, old voice was there, telling me that if a truck just happened to be coming at me, that would be perfectly fine.
As if nothing matters? I knew something was going wrong this week because I stopped flossing my teeth four days ago. That only happens at the start of a a terrible depressed episode.
But I am determined that I am going to get my head on straight, get healed from this awful, energy-sucking virus, and go to a fucking therapist/counselor. I’m thinking of going to the free ones at school this week — I don’t know how good they are but I think it would help to get to talk with someone.
I hadn’t finished talking about how I’m affecting my relationship negatively — I’m so insecure this week, I am positive he is about to break up with me, against all signs. I can’t stand myself, so I’m assuming he can’t stand me and wants me gone. Or is about to want me gone and just doesn’t know about it yet. So I’m interpreting everything poorly, and looking scared this week, and he’s started to be weirded out by it. And I am fighting the urge at every moment to ask, “Do you still like me? Should I leave?” As if my life depends on him liking me? Of course it doesn’t, but it’s still eating at me this week, because of this insecurity and all of this SHIT that’s engulfing my head about me being a yuck person and blah blah blah. What the hell triggered this??? Was it something at work? Was it the terrible, terrible class that I’m now overdue in with several papers? Did it make me feel like a failure and I’m shifting that feeling into my personal life?
I walked back from the ER and the sky was still clear and the weather perfect. I came back in, bf said hi but was still watching some TV news with his mom, so I went out back and hung out on the back porch and chatted for a minute with a neighbor who is somewhere around my age. Mostly I just stared up at the sky and asked God to please let my breath be used by someone who is more stable than I. Someone more deserving. Then I did stop and wonder, am I feeling like I’m undeserving because I’m not emotionally stable? That it makes me less deserving of a human? That’s not very fair or nice. So I begged, Please empty out this shell of body and use it for something worth while.
It would be nice.