A wee bit of mania

So all I can say for this week is… IF I were a wee bit toward bipolar, this would be my wee bit toward mania. I’m thinking back and finding that my physical weakness is what stops me from doing so much, and that’s a good thing.

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Pancakes taste best when they’re the same color as the skillet, right?? ūüôā

Today, I actually got up “early” for me (it was 8 or 9 am, when my bf got up for work; it was a late start for him). I chatted with my phone via phone for 35 minutes (she was driving hands-free; the phone was hands-free, not the steering wheel). It was a fun conversation and my bf got ready for work. Afterward, I asked him what he’d like for breakfast. He had 15 minutes left before he had to leave. He suggested gf pancakes. I jumped up and started making them (I had a mix). They didn’t turn out (my batter was too thick; I kept waiting for the tops to bubble but they didn’t; the bottoms burnt up while I was waiting for the tops). Anyway, a few turned out all right so he ate and ran (the REALLY burnt ones didn’t take place until after he was gone and I was making the rest of the batter).

Anyway. Me cooking = pretty extreme. That doesn’t happen. Me, in a super cheerful mood, rushes upstairs and realizes I still have time to put away half of the clean laundry before taking my shower and heading to class. And I did so. I bicycled there and was on time. (Unheard of.) And I managed to have all of the bits and pieces organized for the day. [THIS HAS BEEN NOT HAPPENING WELL LATELY. I have a different schedule each day and have been grabbing or not grabbing things very poorly for the day.] I also planned to maybe bike to the beach after school.

After class, I was hungry. I ate a snack bar and went to a food place on campus to search for food. No luck. So I was still playing with¬†this idea to bike to the ocean. And find a taco place on the way. So I swapped out my bike locks so my lighter two were in my bag and my heavy one is left on campus (when you see random locks left on posts and such — no longer assume they are left there by people whose tires were stolen; it could be left there by people who park there frequently enough and don’t want to drag the weight back and forth with them anymore). The bike shop guy told me about that. So anyway. I packed up from school and headed out toward the ocean. Yeah. Awesome. This crazy city has bike routes every which way, it seems. I really don’t understand why more people don’t bicycle around here.

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Sanderlings are present there… tiny little dots in a backlit photo

So I made it to the BEACH!!! It was SOOOO WINDY. I was being PELTED in the face with sand. It kind of stung. But I saw some sanderlings down along the water line and wanted to photograph them, so I dragged my bike down through the sand, do or die. And then pushed/walked my bike along the shore for a while. Then discovered the bike paths up above the shore. The sand blasting was worse up there but I stayed and rode along there for quite a while. Eventually I went back toward home but stopped first at a bike shop:

“How much would you charge to clean the sand out of my gears??? It’s making an awful sound…” haha. ¬†It turned out my break pads needed to be replaced as well as my stretched chain. (I’D FORGOTTEN THAT YOU NEED TO REPLACE YOUR CHAIN EVERY half year or year or however hard you ride your bike. It’s really important because when it gets stretched, it then doesn’t fit on the cogs as well and starts to wear them down. Eventually you’ll need expensive fixes all because you didn’t just buy a new chain once or twice a year!!!) So yeah. Today was expensive.

But I’ve got to tell you. My bike is riding so much more smoothly now and my breaks are amazing. LOL

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Ice plant

Hey so in light of this feeling awfully suspiciously like an innerdragon wee bit of mania phase (my body ran out of the ability to move so I just sat in the bike shop for 1.5 hours while they worked on it), I took my PRN night medicine. It’s for sleep but it’s technically an anti-anxiety medicine. But I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I keep waking up very alert. Last night, I couldn’t fall asleep because my OCD flared up and I couldn’t get past this loop of this one thought that played over and over and over again in my head and was making me really mad at my bf. (It was something trivial along the same lines of when people squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle or something. I literally don’t recall what it was anymore – that’s how unimportant it was. But OBSESSIVE THINKING OBSESSIVE THINKING. I couldn’t get my mind to switch to a new topic. Anyway, I don’t want to think about it.) Tonight, I’m going to sleep. This medicine is prescribed originally for my restless leg syndrome but it also helps me fall asleep and stay asleep. And that I can think more clearly without being stopped constantly by anxiety is a wonderful side effect.

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Ice plants, gull, moon. Along the shore

Oh yeah. So I’ve already had dinner (bf’s mother saved me a portion of salmon! I had some more things as well). I’ve watched a bit of TV with her this evening. Now I’ve run another load of laundry (bedding and a towel this time) AND put away everything. Bf’s clothes, my clothes, and remade the bed. I’m just waiting now to see if he notices. He’s not always observant about certain things. I think if I left the pillows on top of the clean sheet, he’ll notice, but if I tuck them back under as usual, then maybe he won’t notice. Ah the way we entertain ourselves in life.

One of my beloved cousins in visiting my folks right now. I have a beloved photo of my baby dog greeting her gently, her with suitcases still in hand. ‚̧ My old man baby dog. He may have something serious wrong with him health-wise but the vets haven’t ruled out that maybe it is something that can be corrected with diet changes. So he is on a new diet and loving it. But is still skin and bones, my poor baby. It is hard to be away from him. No moment spent with him was ever or could ever be a wasted moment.

Oh yeah so back to the sleep medicine. I’m on this and it’s fully kicked in. I decided it was called for because at this point, I obviously could only benefit from something grounding like a solid sleep. Tomorrow, I need to focus on studying. I played today.

No longer getting out of bed

Well, believe it or not, there are some pluses and some negatives.

The biggest negative is probably that I’m no longer getting out of bed without assistance. Another negative is that I haven’t located external assistance yet, so my bf is getting the brunt of this at present. It’s not too cool, let me tell you.

But a pro is that I’m now a jogger. Haha. I started jogging 2 days ago but I’m determined. I don’t care if I only manage to jog for 3 minutes a day so long as I do it. Even if my only goal is to make it to the icecream shop not too far away and eat a cup of icecream so that jogging will result in weight gain. I don’t care right now, as long as I’m doing it.

I’m practicing piano nearly every day and a little bit of voice exercises as well. I’m still mostly just learning how to read the bass clef notes, but whatever. It’s really fun. Just let everyone else wear earplugs for a while so I can practice.

The semester is winding out but alas, I no longer recall the last time I attended either of my morning classes. This is pretty sad. It’s a big disappointment for me. I was doing so well for so long into the semester but I feel like I am too tired to get out of bed in the morning. And even if I get out of bed, if I’m alone I just sit there and don’t do anything and eventually fall back asleep. Even if I’m just sitting on the floor putting on my socks or something, I’ll run out of steam to move a muscle.

So I don’t know. I tried cutting my own hair the other day; it just hit me that my hair was too long and heavy and making me feel tired. Now it looks pretty silly but oh well, it’ll grow out.

I’m trying to eat slightly less now too, since I’m so unhappy with the weight gain.

Well okay, back to studying. Oh PS I didn’t get the job. I interviewed and did all right but I did bungle one of the most important questions they had for me. It turned out I got cold feet during the interview because part of what would have been my responsibility was to give IV’s to animals and also teach other recruits how to give IVs. I don’t honestly know if I am capable of inserting a needle into an animal. I don’t know if I could. So I got cold feet and never wrote them a follow-up thank you or anything at all.

If I can make it through the rest of this semester, I believe I can have a job as a tutor here next semester. But I need to do well in this class. Two more weeks or so and I need to maintain an A but I’m failing at getting out of bed. This is hard. = I make this hard.

It’s time for a change

Well all,
It’s that time again. Time to change themes, as I shed some part of myself I’ve outgrown.

There will be changes. I’m going to try posting a little bit more frequently. I’ve got to get back on track.

This life has to be okay or I have to change it.

In other news, I’m terribly Home sick. Terribly. I want to be with my folks and my dog so badly. I comforted myself tonight by picturing buying a plane ticket tomorrow. I do have a trip planned but it’s not soon enough and I don’t know how I’ll make myself leave once there.

Complaint + Random

I’m behind on journaling.

But meanwhile, I am having insomnia tonight. So here I am. I got upset. Things can be up, then boom. But it’s been okay.

But I don’t have to tell you or justify. I don’t have to rationalize that in all of my silence, I’ve been fine, but now that I’m upset, I want to write. I don’t have to balance the equation. I am what I am, and in this moment, I’m upset.

There’s a move coming up. You guys might remember how well I handle that… /fall apart/

School is well. Busy busy. But I like those days. Structured. Busy. People I’m growing to know, a little bit. Certain people I’m getting to recognize and chat with over studying in the tutoring center, where I spend most of my weeks. It’s almost like making friends, but we’re all busy and don’t have time to meet elsewhere in the city.

I’m sitting in an amazing place. I can’t describe it. I’m in the heart of the city in a modern, top-notch building and I stayed emotionally detached for a couple of months, thinking of it as His and Yours. I was just happening here to spend my time with my bf. But now, now that my bed is here is here and I’ve moved a bit more of my stuff in, and I’ve paid some rent and re-organized parts of the kitchen, and kept the shower and sinks clean. Now it’s mine too. And I’ve grown attached to the streets and the views and the amazing space. I’ll never live in a space this nice again; you’d have to see it and the views and the location to know what I’m referring to. I’ll never be this close to public transport or grocery stores again. Now, now that my bf has set his mind to leaving (he was unsure at first and I encouraged him toward leaving, due to the rent$$). Now that he’s certain of leaving, I’ve realized, I LOVE this place. I’ve even learned a few of the streets.

Oh well. It wasn’t a place I would have chosen at first; I certainly couldn’t afford it rationally. But damn. I’ll miss this. Oops, I’ve woken my bf. I have a cat on my lap.

I’ve been sleeping well lately, but tonight, no go. Partly, I’m in pain. I had some yuck food earlier, I think. Stomach ache, but mostly muscle aches and pains. I was exhausted today. One of the ladies I study with even told me so when I first approached the table; that I look exhausted. Yep. That’s because I didn’t have school yesterday and unstructured days are not my best days.

School days are great.

Hey, I have an opportunity to quit my job. I have chickened out so far. But now it’s right out in the open; I can just give the word that even Fridays are too much for me. THEY ARE. But the money… the money… is hard to give up. But commuting to another city each Friday and catching up on a week’s worth of chores and work has been difficult. Not impossible task-wise, but mentally difficult. Exhausting.

Or rather, I’m likely just still exhausted. I’ve been feeling better since getting to increase my thyroid dose nearly back up to where it used to be. I spent years and years at 100 mcg. My doctor said my tests were borderline high and she is worried about future osteoporosis, so wanted me to try 88 mcg instead. I did that for like… a month? And started to lose motivation! And energy. And drive. And the ability or motivation to do anything, even walk to the grocery store. It was getting bad, but I was still studying. I suspect it’s partly the placebo effect, because AS SOON AS I got permission to take a 100 mcg again, I felt improved THAT SAME DAY. ūüôā ¬†So I am alternating now — 88, then 100, 88, 100 etc. It does seem to affect my heartbeat at the higher dose, unfortunately. I forgot to mention that was another reason for going down on it. I can’t count how many times my heart has done odd beats today alone.

This isn’t to mention that we have to move in less than a month. We probably won’t find anything that fast, not here. So the backup plan is to move in with his dad, who always rents certain rooms of the house. It wouldn’t be free and would be temporary. But I’m concerned about space issues; the kitchen is very small and also, I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn’t feel comfortable touching anything there. I wouldn’t feel on a level playing field, you know? It wouldn’t be the same as finding roommates. I like his dad and I love the location, except it’s not that close to the public transport or grocery stores. But the area is beautiful and neighborhood feels fairly safe, which is important. But the space, again, would my stuff fit into the room? Would we put together my bed and wardrobe there, knowing it would be temporary? So many unknowns.

I knit for a while this evening. It was nice. I’m paranoid/ fairly certain that my bf’s roommate’s gf doesn’t like me. I don’t think I’ve done or said anything offensive, but yet she definitely doesn’t talk with me or make eye contact. I might just be being paranoid. Or she just doesn’t like me.

And should I care? Really? Of course I had an image in mind where the four of us get along and we can even watch a DVD together or some such thing that won’t happen in the next less than a month, but / Got distracted. I’ve been listening to, “Welcome to Night Vale” a lot lately. I’m relistening to an episode right now. I’ve been trying to sooth myself since I got upset earlier. Hence why I’m (finally) typing on here again, too.

I zoned out again. I took some anti-anxiety medicine just before starting to type, too. It must be kicking in now. Yay. I haven’t said what upset me. It was a single spoken sentence. Hmm. Maybe it was 2 sentences, or one sentece with a semi-colon. No matter. It’ll be sorted out tomorrow; I just didn’t want to deal with it tonight.

Kitty is so soft and sweet. Man did she get excited when I came out here to the sofa with my laptop. She’s kneading on me right now. But I’m winding down, and then she and the other kitty will have these rooms to themselves again.

I don’t really want to stop typing. The sound and spring of the keys is very soothing. But I do need to lay down and pretend to be sleeping until it becomes a reality. Well, goodnight all.

Woop, zoning out again. (Listening to Welcome to Night Vale). So. Goodnight, all. Kindly do not judge me or my life. Kindly remember I only come here when I’m upset or emotions run high for one reason or another. It is not a full and balanced view of my life. Etc etc. Goodnight, all.

Additional

  • We joked that putting together the wardrobe would be a good test of how we handle frustration or whatever in the relationship. ūüėČ It went fine, though. Actually, it was fun.
  • Food got spilled on my cookbook. Then a cat ate the corner off of it.
  • I like school.
  • My mom is happy that I’m happy with school and doing well so far.
  • My mom just accepted a new job. Her old one was not renewed.
  • She has even sent me two ‘care packages’! ‚̧
  • I tested INFP in 10th grade!!! I test ISFP by 12th, ISFJ after college, then back to ISFP, which is where I tend to test nowadays.
  • Got hangers for my wardrobe
  • SOON to pick up all of my belongings from my uncle’s house and move them to ‘my’ apartment
  • Ironically, my biggest anxiety is that my anxiety is going to be what ruins the relationship. Try stopping THAT anxiety!
  • My mom’s sending me cute pictures of my dog ‚̧
  • Practiced a little bit of recorder and little bit of piano last night.
  • Somewhere in there, I had what may or may not be my last appointment with my therapist. I don’t really know what’s going on in that department yet and haven’t had the time or focus to think about it. But it seemed like a final appointment. I hadn’t been sharing much for the past month or so. I don’t know what happened. I kind of do but kind of not entirely.

Log: Aug 20 – Sep 11 (Thu – Fri) SCHOOL and life

This log is for Aug 20 – Sep 11. I’ll be as brief as possible. A LOT has happened but I’m so consumed by school right now, I just haven’t had the chance to write or do anything else at all, really.

Aug 20, R: School. Work. Stayed late, talking with someone from another company in the building. Ate out w/Peter (actually, he picked up food for us and we technically ate it at home) when we both got home; it was very late by then.

Aug 21, F: Work. Peter worked from home in order to be there when the furniture was dropped off. It seems like SO long ago now. SO long ago. That was my wardrobe and our new bed. It all arrived in many boxes. It looks like we ate out for dinner; I must have gotten back late again.

Aug 22, Sat: Put together wardrobe and …? Dinner w/ Peter’s folks, I believe.
Aug 23, Sun: Put together wardrobe and …? Cat sitting still

Aug 24, M: School. Brother in Fiji with his gf. Fell asleep in class inspite of caffeine. Went to get keys for another cat-sitting job; ate out there (it had gotten late again).

Aug 25, T: School. Work, I think. I learned what a percent sign means. You can laugh, but I’m serious.

Aug 26, W: Falling asleep in school again. Math homework and Accounting homework.

Aug 27, R: School. Work. I went home while Peter cat-sat until very late; the cat was too upset to keep food down at first, so Peter had to stay many hours until he was calm enough to eat and play a little.

Aug 28, F: Work. Went to Aunt and Uncle’s house for a while afterward. Then home.

Aug 29 + 30, Sat+Sun: Went on an overnight road trip with Peter, his mom, his sister and her bf. Very fun and many neat beaches! Peter quizzed me on Accounting when we were in the car.

Aug 31, M: My first Accounting test. I got a 90% on it. Termination dust has arrived for my folks, who live so far away from me. I took some really cute selfies of me and one of the cats.

Sep 1, T: School. Worked from home (really only had to do some faxing). Pollen is killing my sinuses.

Sep 2, W: School. Couldn’t stop bugging Peter because he seemed ‘off’ and I couldn’t stop worrying. He had a virus or something. I kept trying to figure out how it was my fault that he wasn’t feeling well. It’s a sickness in me. I need to get that under control!!! Stayed at school until late, doing more homework.

Sep 3, R: School. Peter took the day as a Sick Day. After my classes, I took the train to my workplace but ate at a restaurant before starting work. I had a margarita¬†and work was much better then. Ate dinner out, too. Feel terribly guilty and anxious for eating out so frequently lately, but we’re getting home so late & I’ve been too tired to think of helping cook.

Sep 4, F: Work. Peter had the day off and came with me. He did work and such while I worked. We went to my aunt & uncle’s afterward.

Sep 5+6, Sat+Sun: Saturday…I can’t recall. Sunday, I did more homework with Peter’s help. Then we hurriedly got ingredients and made the dish I’d promised for the BBQ that evening at my aunt & uncle’s house. My aunt and uncle were there, as well as my brother and his gf. It’s kind of stressful. I don’t know how to be around everyone. My uncle is one way, my brother is another way. My aunt is another way. I get confused.

Sep 7, M: Looks like it was a major study day for me.

Sep 8, T:¬†School. My first real Math exam! I got a 100%! I didn’t feel happy or anything upon doing so well. I’m worried that I’m depressed.¬†Then remembered I had an Accounting test the next day, and absolutely panicked. Peter helped me for hours to study for the test and try to remember all of the homeworks I’ve done for it, but I was panicking so much, my mind was a complete blank. I think this is when I decided Peter must be getting really frustrated with me. And started obsessing that all of this study time together would change our relationship dynamic and put him as a tutor and me as a student instead of 2 people in an equal relationship.

Sep 9, W:¬†School. My 2nd Accounting test. I got a 100% but was shaking the whole time. I blame part of that on the cup of coffee that morning — since then, I’m off coffee. Stayed at school late, doing homework. Helped make a simple pasta dinner.

Sep 10, R: School. I finally got caught up in one of my computer classes! FINALLY! I worked from home again, thanks to remote access to my work computer! WHEW. I’m too exhausted to keep doing the back-and-forth between school and work — they are not in the same city. I don’t know how people do it. Anyway, after school, I got AHEAD in my Math homework! Yay! But last night, as we were trying to fall asleep, I started to nit-pick on Peter. I don’t know what was bugging me. I started saying how I felt like we were not talking much lately (I meant about serious or relationship things, or something), and I felt emotionally disconnected, etc. I then said something else picky that came out really hurtful. I think that deep down, I am having very bad anxiety issues lately, and so I can’t feel content. I feel like something must be wrong. I have tons and tons and tons of body anxiety and sickness anxiety and I’m terrified to tell anyone in my real life because I don’t want to be [insert a better word for ‘diminished’]. I don’t want people to label me the very stigmatized word of hypochondria. But I have a bad anxiety disorder flairing up right now and don’t know what to do about it.

Sep 11, F: Work today. It hasn’t been busy today. I probably could have left hours ago, but since it’s the only day I’ve come to the office all week, I figured I should stay the whole time. I am sick today with a head cold. I’ve had a sore throat for a week. I thought it was allergies (pollen + cats). For three nights, I’ve had a TERRIBLE time sleeping. I was actually sleeping okay for a while there. But right now, terrible insomnia, and restless leg. The minute my legs stop moving, I start to feel panic and the burning and urge to MOVE them again. I’ve slept on the floor twice again (we haven’t had the time to put the bed together, yet). I’ll post this although I won’t be able to add the many pictures until later, from a different computer.

Log: Aug 15 – Aug 19 (Sat – Wed) SCHOOL STARTED

Aug 15 (Sat): Cat-sitting for 2 cats, and dog-sitting;
Aug 16 (Sun): Cat-sitting; Possibly head to a nearby park for the day
Aug 17 (Mon): SCHOOL!!!
Aug 18 (Tue): School 9:40 am – 12:25 pm; Work 1:20 pm – 5:20 pm
Aug 19 (Wed): School 9:40 am – 3:25 pm; Study 3:45 pm – 5:30 pm

Grumpy Cat: Sometimes I want to hug someone, but unfortunately, I'm not a porcupine

Grumpy Cat: Sometimes I want to hug someone, but unfortunately, I’m not a porcupine

*Update* I had forgotten — I actually slept the ENTIRE DAY ON SATURDAY. Dog sitting got cancelled and I don’t want to talk about why. Still cat sitting – it’s going smoothly – School started – two classes on the first day, and they both seem okay. The professors seem nice and knowledgeable – After school, at night, I had another emotional meltdown, ended up sleeping out on the patio for four hours (came back inside around 4 am), partly on purpose and partly not. I mean, obviously I meant to bring my sleeping pad and bag and pillow-blanket out there, but I don’t think I expected to actually fall asleep. It was nice. I could watch the clouds moving across the stars, until I fell asleep. And my earplugs blocked out all of the yelling people and sirens and general city noise.

HEY! I forgot to mention — Sunday was fun — Peter & I went to free dance lessons in the morning!! Then went to the BEACH with his parents, and had a nice, homemade dinner with them afterward!!

My next classes – the 3rd and 4th – seem nice, as well.

I’d say that overall, one class seems like it will be a bit painfully slow, and one class might be just too damn fast for me. The topic should be okay, but the professor went zip-zip-zip like crazy. I’m so glad I am able to audio-record the lectures.

The one class that is REALLY important — the Accounting one — nobody volunteered to be a notetaker. So I’m not sure what will happen with that. But I’ll do my best and keep recording the audio lectures and if I find I’m not doing okay, I’ll have to talk with the professor about it.

I’m at work but I’m freaking out. HOW in the WORLD am I supposed to get all of this homework done???? I have DAY 2 of two classes tomorrow, which means reading and homework for both of them. I’m very worried that this isn’t going to be possible. Not unless I can somehow get a little bit ahead. Oh well. I’ll try to read for an hour tonight, at the least.

Pink flower petals

Pink flower petals

My emotions are a roller coaster again and I don’t know if it’s from the massive life changes or from my thyroid dose being lowered. I’m not liking it, though. I’ll wait until my new schedule has leveled out before I really insist on raising my thyroid back up, though.

I did get the new health insurance. It’s officially official. Now to cancel COBRA and see what they say about my August premium and expenses!!! GULP. I hope they don’t discontinue me and then reject the past claims I’m still waiting on receiving payments for!!!

Oh yeah and I’m also not in a sharing mood with many people right now. With my mom, sure. Anybody else? Not very much. I’m an upset porcupine.