Writing just to write

I regret that I haven’t been taking notes from couples therapy. There are so many tips that I will want to remember.

I got a lot done today but I did miss a doctor appointment accidentally. I hope I get used to scheduling and such someday.

At 4 a.m., I found myself wide awake and unable to fall back asleep. So I got up and practiced painting for the first time in years! Now, I kind of hope I have another 4 a.m. wake up call so I can work on it again or start something new.

Much, much, much to do but. The most important is to finish my class. I am over a month behind right now. That will be my priority tomorrow.

Huh. My bf is looking up info on fertility and aging. I had no idea I am on the line where my chance of sterility is rapidly increasing. I’m old?! When did I become old?! Good gravy.

Anyway, after my class priority, the next priority will be a certain rewards / habit changing thingy I’m trying to set up. There are three habits I’m going to try changing.

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Mundane Update

I’m calling this a mundane update. I’d say that I normally only come on here when my emotions are high or out of whack or something’s eating me, etc.

But I logged in for a different reason this evening, and thought, perhaps I would go ahead and write. Because writing helps me stay stable.

And I feel completely stable at present. I.E. I normally wouldn’t be writing. So here I am.

I’ll give a day recap. I had a big exam this morning in computer programming. I hope it went okay; time will tell. Tutoring was really challenging because students from one of the other classes came in for emergency help (their exam is tomorrow) but it was from a class that hardly anyone asks for help for, so I don’t remember the content very well. And I hadn’t brought the right notes; I didn’t realize some of those classes were that far in the book. I don’t bring my full notes because they’re so heavy.

I actually went across town after school/work. That’s not my norm. But last night, I got an invite to dinner with my SO and some of his friends, one of whom I have met a couple of times now and I enjoy his company. So we went even though it was for a very late dinner and we only just got back a bit ago. It’s late. I’m super sleepy.

I’m getting over a virus. I had to take like a week off of school. I missed the exam review and the last bit of new info for it and everything! So I studied a lot this-past weekend.

Pokémon Go is pretty exciting right now. They re-balanced the gym prestige. And this week, or for a few days anyway, they’re running these crazy double-poké stop goodies and double (or more) spawn rates of critters. This is tied into my getting-over-my-virus because I finally feel a bit of energy returning so I’m probably going to go out on a Poké bike ride tomorrow after work, or at least a nice walk. I walked a tiny bit extra today, and it was really nice. The sunset was amazing.

I’m super, incredibly behind in my online school. Well, only a week or 2, but it feels like a lot. It’s because my current class is a writing-based class and I suck at writing papers. I have one I need to revise TOMORROW (I’m telling myself that) and then I need to write one more paper. Then I can move onto a different class, thank goodness.

Well, I’m incredibly sleepy beyond words, so goodnight. Voting is tomorrow here but I already voted.

Log: May 20 – 22 (Wed – Fri) Work Nothingness + Cooking Conversations

May 20 (Wed): Psychiatrist 8:45a – 9:35a @location, Work 10:30a – 5:30p, Dinner w/Peter
May 21 (Thu): Work 10:15a – 5:45p, Dinner w/Peter
May 22 (Fri): Work 9:00a – 5:30p, Aunt + Uncle’s house after work

Crazy flower

Crazy flower

Well this week has been pretty blah at work. I’ve had very few tasks. I’ve kept on the routine stuff likes dishes and vacuuming. Deliveries have been a NIGHTMARE. I literally had to sit out front of the building for 3.5 hours yesterday so as to not miss the UPS delivery of something very, very important. It’s a long, long story but our building’s intercom is broken and UPS drivers are not required to use their personal cellphones, so basically I had to just wait out there or else miss them yet again. And we couldn’t wait to end of day to pick it up from their main base.

Anyway. It’s been so BLAH. I’ve fallen asleep a little yesterday and the day before. I’ve been alone 80% of the time and there’s been nothing to do for about as long as that. I’ve read, I’ve slept, I’ve been online a little bit. You’d think it would be the perfect opportunity to study courses online and whatnot, right? Unfortunately, when I’m unmotivated, I’m SERIOUSLY unmotivated. On those days, I didn’t even do the dishes. I left them for like three days and then did them one more when someone else showed up and I felt a spark of life inside of me again.

I’m not meant to work alone. Y’all have heard this a million, million times from me by now, but I REALLY must find a new job. SERIOUSLY.

The only thing holding me back is — do I want to find a new job or do I want to be a full-time student, in which case the most I’d want from a job is part-time? If I could just focus on student-ing for a year, I think I could have that one Accounting certificate that would qualify me for a lot of the lower-level Accounting jobs, which would satisfy me in the short-middle term.

It’s so hard. It’s hard because I haven’t slept well for 2 nights in a row. I don’t know what’s up. It’s insomnia. Okay, I do sort of know what’s up.

I can’t sleep because Peter is snuggling too close to me at night. His arm has been around me. Which is so damn sweet, I haven’t wanted to say anything. But I can’t sleep while touching someone else. I need room to spin around and kick and reshift my shoulders and my neck and flop my head from one side to the other and back 8 million times a night. So for two nights now, I’ve sacrificed sleep for sweetness. I even took 1 mg of clonazepam before bed last night, but it didn’t help even a little bit. Also the window has been cracked and there have been a lot of sounds of traffic that I’m not used to. But, I have 4 nights in a row now where I will be sleeping alone at my aunt + uncle’s house, so if that’s the only thing stopping me from sleeping, I’ll get caught back up on sleep.

Forget me nots

Forget me nots

Hopefully it’s not because I have been missing so many of my iron tablets that my Restless Leg is worse again. Speaking of which *takes a tablet*. Also, we ate dinner too late again. We started cooking right away after work but I am just so slow and uncertain when it comes to this cooking thing. And I think all I was trying to accomplish was shredding these broccoli stalks. It was taking me forever. I cooked the pasta noodles, too, but he did everything else. Well, I’ll get faster at shredding broccoli the more I try. Part of the problem was the shredder was clogged for a time and I didn’t notice.

Anyway, I think our first serious conversation has been involving cooking. Cooking with him is fun but I want him to be the Master Chef and just tell me what side tasks I can accomplish to help with the whole. He wants me to be the Master Chef half the time even if it just means telling him what to do. Well shit. I suck at taking charge and I hate it to boot (it’s SO STRESSFUL). At least when we practice music together, he has only made me choose the temp and start the pieces a couple of times — just the times where my line actually starts as a solo. It’s so nerve-wracking to be the one in charge. It makes me feel completely insecure and neurotic.

So the cooking has come up as a conversation maybe twice now. Part of my brain did a learned helplessness thing at first — immediately reverted to a feeling of impossibility-I-may-as-well-be-dead-I’ll-never-live-a-normal-life-or-be-able-to-do-the-things-I-need-to-do-or-what-others-expect-of-me.

Well fuck that. I set out a what-if scenario for him. What If we never have an equal 50-50 in the cooking realm. What if I never take charge up to 50% of the time. What if he is always more than 50%. He was okay. I suggested that at the very least, I could be the Master Chef and doing things under his supervision (since I don’t know what in the hell I’m doing in a kitchen, it’s hopeless and impossible-feeling to put me in charge). He was happy with that.

Water

Water

SO that was before, and I may have already written about that conversation. So this time, I can’t remember what came up at first, but there was something about him preferring the idea of each of us taking a certain day — where I asked if one person could be in charge of the main part of the meal, and the other in charge of the sides, since it is too overwhelming for me to try to do all at once in a single night, — but he prefers the idea of it being like one person in charge of a night. So I’ll have to think about that one; I genuinely don’t feel capable of that unless I revert to something very, very basic from my childhood, like pasta and salad. I can do that one as a meal and don’t need help.

But anyway, so we’e also pondered the idea of meal planning for the week to hopefully help save a bit of money at the grocery stores. and just generally have more of an idea of what we’re going to do each night so it doesn’t take as much time to figure out each night.

I then asked how he’d think of the idea of me creating an interactive online spreadsheet for the week. He seemed interested in the idea. Yay spreadsheets. So now I’m excited again and I’m putting in each day and each part of each meal that each of us “is in charge of” — which doesn’t at all mean that the other person isn’t helping with the cooking. For example, when I decided to make the shredded carrot + broccoli slaw thing, I asked him to make the dressing for it because my dressings have historically been disgusting (I didn’t add that part — I just asked him if he’d make it, and he said yes).

Anyway, so I love spreadsheets and they automatically make me very happy. So I feel more hopeful about it at the moment.

***BRB*** Okay, I’m back. It’s been quite a while. I’m home, safe and sound. I had a crappy dinner (a potato I cooked in the microwave and burnt so bad, it became the same color as cardboard and a consistency of… well, not the consistency of what humans typically consume. It tasted all right, though. I had half a bell pepper. I had a spoon of chocolate almond butter. I had a granola bar. A had a B6 + Folic Acid vitamin, just for the heck of it (I happened to see it in a drawer). I had a spoon of icecream. Will I feel good tomorrow? NOPE! I’ll feel exhausted and crabby, but we’ll all know why.

So. there’s a 3 day weekend coming. I have plans for the latter half of Monday. My uncle would like my help with some outdoor chores on Saturday (tomorrow). So it looks like Sunday is the only day up in the air. But there is so much I’d like to do. I’m going to start a whole ‘nother post for this. Today’s Mood Ranking: 5

Log: May 19 (Tue) What to do with spare time

May 19 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a; Work 10:30a – 5:30p; Night at aunt + uncle’s house, alone

I have a moment of free time. But there are so many options for how to spend it, I have done nothing. I skimmed through FB and looked at peoples’ pictures. That’s all. That’s now done for today (maybe for the week). There are so many things I could do:

  • Write bad poetry
  • Sketch
  • Sign up for the Fall semester in-person Accounting courses
  • Apply for more jobs
  • Go through more online, free courses (I finished the Accounting one; there are many others on different topics that look interesting)
  • Read a book (there are 2 here that I could read right now)
  • Practice French or Spanish

AAAGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meme from the interwebs: I have too much thyme on my hands

Meme from the interwebs

I read a little bit this morning. I accidentally slept for about 7 minutes. I watched 1 online lecture (the last Accounting one). I wrote a poem yesterday morning. I could look into signing up for the Fall semester classes right now. BRB I’ve now finished another chapter of a book. BRB Now I’ve gone through a few minutes of a basic French lesson. Okay, I passed the 2nd lesson too. Yay. BRB

Oh my gawd. Khan Academy has all of the Math topics on there that I could ever hope to learn, all the way back from pre-3rd-grade Math. I missed Geometry which affected me a lot when I tried to take a college Hydrogeology course. I could go back and take Geometry for free. BRB Okay, been asleep for a while (I’m telling you, I’ve been exhausted lately). Was going to leave early but did get one single call, right before I was going to leave, from one of my bosses who had a question. So it’s good that I was there. Never got any requests for jobs, never saw anybody, nothing. Same as yesterday. What a weird two days. Well, rest assured, the quieter it is now, the more completely insanely busy it’s going to get once everyone’s got their data and the reports are coming due. Well, time to go.

Log: May 16 – 18 (Sat – Mon) down and back up

May 16 (Sat): Cooking and dinner w/ “Peter’s” folks 2p – 9p @his mom’s house
May 17 (Sun): Hiking w/Peter and one of his friends
May 18 (Mon): Work 9:30a – 5:30p; Go to uncle’s house

Hi all,

The last time I wrote was regarding Saturday, I believe. I had a mood crash. I’m pretty damn certain it was the blood sugar because I had missed lunch and then ate junk for a while until a very late dinner. I overdid the refined sugars and all kinds of bad things. I got so insecure during dinner. They’re all biomechanics or something on a microscopic level and everyone was discussing DNA sequencing and all of this really, really amazing stuff but then me and this high schooler who was also there were suddenly asked if we’d understood everything being said for the last however long and of course, everyone at the table understand except for me.

I have a pretty big insecurity due to my lack of academic accomplishment but it’s part of what drives me to want to go back to school now. I’m going to harness this and use it. I have felt like the least academically achieved member of my family since 2003 when non-academic circumstances interfered with my ability to finish college.

It isn’t what other people say. It isn’t what you can say to me. It isn’t what my 2 year Associate of Art degree says to me. There is nothing you can do or say to assuage my very, very strong feelings of inferiority. I have to get a degree because I want to prove something to myself. I want to prove it to the world. But it’s me who is berating me and me who belittles me and puts me down.

I want to do it. I want to be capable of doing it. I know it will take special accommodations like the audio books and note takers and help through the school, but I want to do it for me.

You know, I should let you guys see my typing without the use of spell check some time. That would just be kind of funny. I am not stupid but I’m a phonetic speller and nothing is ever spelled the same way twice.

The reading is just painful. I mean, it is physically painful. I was asked to read a little brochure the other day. The font was small and narrow and must have been freshly printed. I don’t think I made it through a page. I don’t know how I could get through a course. The words and spaces between words still move on freshly printed paper. What the hell would I do?

Am I discouraging myself now? No, don’t do that. I am going to take some college classes. I am going to do this. Not for you. Maybe in spite of you. But for me.

Log: Saturday was good aside from my mood dive. Stayed up talking with Peter until at least 4:30a. That’s how bad my mood was. Explained how I was worried what’s going to happen when he realizes how much more academically intelligent he is compared to me. (He’s AMAZINGly academically-smart). I need to come up with my other strengths. The ones that are not school or knowledge related. Because that day really crashed my self confidence. The day had been briefly at my aunt and uncle’s house, then the rest of the day was spent at Peter’s mom’s house. It was a cooking and dinner event. My mood went insane; I hid several times just to self-isolate. Everything was fine; don’t know why I got so stressed. Mood went off almost like an extreme PMS. Like just suddenly on the verge of crying and no idea at all why. Mood ranking on previous posting.

Sunday: Fun day. Bicycled and went hiking along a beach. I even got to take my shoes and socks off. One of Peter’s coworkers attended, and Peter’s father attended. It was really fun and I took lots of pictures I hope to dump to my computer one of these days. Mood: 4.5 – 5 – 5.5

Monday: Work. What a weird day. Nobody came to work, nobody emailed or called. I vacuumed the office. Made the coffee, got the tea water ready. Nothing. I feel very strange now (I love chunks of solitude, but an entire day of solitude can get me a bit weird, to say the least). Going to go home now; I’m not going to stop for ingredients. That means cold, canned soup for me tonight. I don’t really feel like caring. I think I am tired. Oh, also I spent much of today going through my Facebook and finally blocking the people I needed to block. There were a lot. It was sad. But I can’t have a security breach. I do miss certain people on Facebook who still post the bulk of their photos there. That includes the woman who is taking care of my horse. She called me today to let me know she has started to work with my horse and is doing well. She sent me a funny vid of my girl prancing around a big pen. I stay at my aunt + uncle’s place tonight, alone. Mood: 4.5 – 5

Log: May 15 (Fri) Happy happy

May 15 (Fri): Work 9:30a – 5:30p; Dinner w/Peter

Dinner Plan:
*Complete Protein: Quinoa
*Non-starchy Vegetable(s):
*Other:

To Buy:
*Vegetable peeler (but will I get the straight or the Y shape?); Can opener; Chapstick; Hair conditioner; Bandaids and alcohol swabs …SUCCESS

To Do:
*Any time: At least 2 Accounting lectures
*Any time: Apply for Music Workshop scholarship …SUCCESS (but I see that I missed the deadline)
*Any time: Write and send thank you letter to my aunt & grandma …SUCCESS

Log: I don’t know why, but I’m happy today. I had a killer time getting up this morning. Peter reported being tired, too. Either that movie kept us up too late (might have ended around midnight, actually), or I was thrashing in my sleep and disturbed us both. I might start wearing my sleep monitor at night again. I’m curious how I’m doing.

Breakfast was pretty quick, some quinoa with applesauce and some yogurt with jam. Then out the door, where I bicycled to the post office and got my mum’s package (yay!). Made it to work in time for three delivery drivers.

In the package from my mum were some of my old stickers that I used to collect for letter-writing. So I just wrote my aunt & grandma the thank-you letter I am long overdue in writing them. Of course it’s littered with stickers. Letter-writing is just more fun that way. I own some really nice horse stickers.

Also in the package was my wedding ring, in case I want to pawn it. Truthfully, I am tempted not to, because I like my ring. It’s pretty. It looks good on my fingers. I’m wearing it on my right hand today, just for fun, and it’s not bringing up any particular memories. I guess that would be the reason to pawn it; if it brings up memories, it has to go. And it’s not like I’m suddenly going to start wearing a ring around, so really I need to just go ahead and turn it into money.

AND in the box were three of my favorite cook books (it’s weird to think about, but I used to try cooking). I’m such a terrible cook and hate everything I make. But these are really good books and even readable to me. So I’m glad to have them again and I will try some things from them.

The reason I feel happy today is surely from feeling productive. I got the package. I did what I needed to do at work. I wrote my aunt + grandma the thank-you letter. Now I guess I’ll go through another Accounting lecture (I went through several yesterday). Or maybe I’ll fill out the application for the music workshop scholarship. It’s probably too late to get money from it now, but it’s worth trying. ‘Later all. Today’s Mood Ranking (subject to change): 6.1

Log May 13 + 14 (Wed + Thu) Chores I am good at; chores I avoid

May 13 (Wed): Work 9:30a – 5:30p; Music night w/Peter 6:45p

May 14 (Thu): Work 9:30a – 5:30p; Dinner at Peter’s place 7p

***TODAY WAS BIKE TO WORK DAY. DID ANY OF YOU PARTICIPATE?***

View of water during my bike ride

View of water during my bike ride

I’m too tired to tell the UPS story right now, but it’s now 4 days long and ended with me bicycling 16 miles to go get it from them myself. I might be a bit more cranky because I’m sore after having a little spill on some concrete (completely unnecessary fall; just misjudged something).

Nobody’s at the office today. I feel like leaving, although I have another half hour. I guess I’ll take out the trash (needed) and then I could vacuum a little bit. I just want to leave. I have things to be doing.

Mostly I want to go to the Post Office and pick up a package that my mom sent me. Meanwhile, I keep calling two different post offices to set up a Passport appointment, but neither will answer their phone. It’s been two days. I guess I have to find my way there in person to set up the appointment. Then why does the paperwork and websites and such say I can call to make an appointment? Liars.

Heh, I’m crabby! My body is very sore. It wasn’t a bad fall; I’m just sore. My watch has some blood on it that I should probably clean off. OMG is it nap time??? Okay okay, I’ll settle down and log.

Log: Wednesday: Woke up at Peter’s place. Lovely. I don’t recall the work day. I got off an hour late, waiting for UPS to arrive, as the driver had told me over the telephone, but he never arrived so I finally called them again and left. Meanwhile, Peter got another ingredient and made dinner for us. So delicious; he’s such an amazing cook. Then we practiced music. Awesome. It was fun. We went to bed pretty early and I took some clonazepam this time, since I’d had such terrible insomnia the night before. If that’s not on the Tuesday log, it should be. I’ll go add it and come back to this. BRB

Okay, I am back. So Wednesday. Work. Music practice. Sleep early.

Thursday: Woke up at Peter’s place. Yay. Got up, showered, he made breakfast and I made myself PBJs for lunch. (He doesn’t need lunches made because of the way his work is set up.) Work today. Half the time was spent trying to get the UPS package. Well, I didn’t know I could bike 16 miles with hardly a break, so yay me. Pretty damn cool.

Tonight, I don’t yet know what I want to accomplish. I’m going to go back to Peter’s. I’m going to finish the sweeping I started last night while he was finishing cooking dinner. I want to be productive when he is, you know? Unevenness, in my experience, can build to some resentment, which I’d like to avoid. I don’t have the same skill range as him, what with the cooking and even the cleaning of the heavy pans, but I am good at other things so I want to bring those to the table, so to speak. Sweeping + vacuuming are my #1’s. Putting away clean dishes is a #2. Cleaning mirrors and windows are my #3’s. Putting things away if I know precisely where they are supposed to go is my #4. Keeping a sink area clean and tidy is a #5. I can do toilets pretty well, but I hate every second of it. I do it the OCD way, which could be a nice future blog post, and would explain why I hate it so much. Mowing a lawn isn’t applicable here. Tending to indoor plants is a favorite of mine but also, not presently applicable. Tending to my pets, not applicable here & now. Oh, I’m great at keeping up with laundry now! (I was horrible at that as a child.)

So the chores I either avoid or loathe are all the ones that can be quite complex-and-multi-step (such as cooking) and things that use a lot of physical strength (such as scrubbing heavy pots, or carrying heavy, wet clothes outside to be hung to dry). I also avoid ones that affect my wet/dry status. If something is going to get my skin wet, I’m going to avoid it. Such as cleaning the shower. The way I do it, my wrists will almost certainly get wet. Even if I use long gloves, water seems to always drain down them. There must be a better technique. There is also the avoidance of chores that involve “contaminants” such as cleaning the toilet bowl or cleaning a shower or ceiling that might have mildew starting. Or a window sill that stays too damp and molds. I HATE cleaning those. But I am good at it.

Indoor pet accidents are hard for me to clean up because I will gag from the odor. If I wear gloves and a mask, to feel more distant, I can do it. Day’s Mood Ranking: 4.5-5.5

Okay, I’m going to go and take out the garbage now. Oh! I’m good at keeping up with taking out the garbage and such! But first, my list for today:

Dinner Plan:
*Complete Protein: tofu? …ALTERED (sausage + quinoa)
*Non-starchy Vegetable(s): green beans …ADDED TO (also onion, bell pepper, sauerkraut)
*Other: …ADDED TO (tea)

To Buy:
*Vegetable peeler (but will I get the straight or the Y shape?)

To Do:
*Any time: At least 2 Accounting lectures …SUCCESS
*Any time: Apply for Music Workshop scholarship
*Any time: Write and send thank you letter to my aunt & grandma

*After work: Make a bunch of PBJs and bring to work + freeze

Update for the rest of the evening: We ended up cooking (he cooked; I made the quinoa), I finished sweeping, he practiced piano, I got ready for bed, we watched a movie on his laptop called “The Awful Truth”. Bed too late.