Last Day at Work!

The day came. It actually came. I didn’t even know it was the last day. Back story:

A month or so before school started, I let my boss know that I’d decided to go back to school and would only be available a couple of days a week until he hired my replacement.

I just finished Midterms, so it’s been half a semester. It turns out that he wasn’t really trying to replace me because he was worried how I would live without an income. I had gone down to really only coming in once a week, but continuing to do phones, faxing, and other things as needed from a distance. So he did find a person to work a couple of days a week recently. She was hired last week.

SO my boss asked me, do I want to continue to work one day per week, because that’s fine, or he can replace me entirely. I asked for some time to think it over. Last Friday, I let him know that I decided to no longer work at all for the company, so I could focus more on the schooling. I said, though, that I wanted to continue working one day per week until the point when I could transfer all of our important documents and procedures onto my replacement. (this was worded better at the time)

I never heard back.

But TODAY, in the morning, I got a text from my boss asking if my replacement was there yet to get the info from me. I was like, what? I haven’t ever talked with her, I have no idea what’s going on.

Well like two hours later, she showed up!! I had a good chunk of hours to go over every step (nearly) of the manual I’d created, and transfer passwords, numbers, procedures, etc to her. There’s still quite a bit of random contacts that will need to be informed of my replacement’s email address and all that, but WOW, that was pretty amazing! And my replacement is a serious spitfire. She will talk BACK to the bosses. It’s great. Not like push-over me. It was really fun to watch.

One of my bosses was on his cellphone as he was leaving (work call), and as he reached for the door, he seemed to remember that it had become my last day, and he turned and either nodded or waived at me, and then left. Heheh. I find goodbyes really stressful but that one didn’t even involve me having to do anything but smile and nod back.

But still, I do wonder what it all means. At lunch, my two bosses, myself, and another coworker went out to lunch together. And one of my bosses mused out loud that we needed to set up the phone system because he has no idea where any of the voicemails or faxes we receive have been going…. FOR REAL!!!!!!! I raised my hand and said, “…That’s me.” I’ve been taking care of them since March. Nobody knew that??? I had it routing to my cellphone every day of the week, even weekends. I could take care of any faxing from anywhere in the world I had service. He thought our voicemail system was going into a void that nobody knew how to check or take care of! Oy.

But, that’s enough negativity. Honestly, I have actually learned a ton from working at that company. I’ve learned more about the specifics of the tasks involved, and I’ve learned more about working with various personalities. I’ve learned a lot about many different kinds of problems that I had to solve on my own. There are still 2 problems I haven’t yet solved and to be honest, I will likely continue to work at those two until I figure out how to resolve them. But it was a very lucky thing I got that job from my uncle in the first place. It was lucky they kept me on. Especially back in January when I was so depressed and sluggish and came in hours late all the time. I was quite lucky.

And one employee did say thank you for all I’ve done. 🙂 And that was the one employee who usually did her own tasks and mailings and didn’t use me very often. But she’s super sweet and I’ll miss her, although I was always very awkward around her. I was always awkward around all of them, actually! I don’t think I ever felt quite right there. (And for comparison, I DID feel like I fit in perfectly at my old job.)

HEY and in other news, bf and I have not found an apartment yet. We will be moving in with his mother (not his father, after all), until we find a place. But we are looking now and that relieves me quite a lot.

And midterm grades came out, and I have all A’s so far! But like I say, the only way for me to go from here is down! Ha ha ha! I don’t know why I love being a pessimist so much.

Cheers, everyone! ❤

Oh hey and by the way, I found something really weird when I was cleaning off my work computer of anything personal. Something really, really, really weird. I won’t post it here, but it was weird. Then I went on a long bike ride for the way home and I got mixed up because I was also talking with my mom via headset. And it was getting dark. But I made it. I haven’t been exercising much at all.

Log: Apr 21 (Tue) willpower is kind of sad

Apr 21 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a, Work 10a – 5:30p, Lunch with Shelly unknown time @unknown location, Evening lake walk with Shelly 5:30p @lake, Dinner with brother 7p @his apartment

Baby Canadian Geese

Baby Canadian Geese

Today is sad. This is because I promised myself that I would spend tonight alone. I didn’t hear from “Peter” for most of yesterday, but halfway through today he did invite me to play music tonight.

I had to say no. Because I promised myself. And I made plans with Shelly to go walking around a lake (I need to leave right now; I’ll keep her waiting otherwise). But tomorrow won’t work either, because he has Book Club. So I won’t see him again until Thursday. I know, that is not far from now. But it feels far.

But I have a lot to get done anyway. THERE IS JUST SO DAMN MUCH I NEED TO GET ACCOMPLISHED this week, preferably.

I’m caught up at work still, so that’s something. Okay, I have to get bicycling to my meeting spot. I am probably going to delay her a bit, as I’m not sure how long this ride is going to take. More later, all. (Don’t sound so enthused…)

More babies

More babies

UPDATE: Okay, so I walked half the lake with Shelly and it was really fun and I got some neat pictures of baby Canadian Geese. They were adorable. The adults scared the living daylights out of some poor dogs whose owners were oblivious to the fact that they were jogging their dogs right past these babies. The adults didn’t mind humans coming close, but would hiss and run at all of the dogs. I also got to see a rat but my picture came out blurry. He was cute.

Then I met my brother at his apartment. We were there for a short time, and then ate out at a nearby restaurant. Everything was pleasant and great. Then we returned to his apartment to gather our stuff to head to our uncle’s place, and that’s when the typical lecturing started. I don’t remember the exact starting moment. I think I made the mistake of expressing excitement about some of my future plans, like finding an apartment/roommate, taking some classes, getting health insurance through a job. That’s what it was. I pointed out that I am back to working enough hours at this job that I qualify for their health insurance. He went into how I fucked it up for 2 months and nobody in their right mind would trust me now, I have a lot to rebuild their trust in me, I need to sound more grateful for my uncle not firing my ass, etc.

Canadian geese

Canadian geese

This sort of thing doesn’t motivate me, as he expects. He says when he fucks up then he’s more motivated to prove himself. That’s not how it works for me. If I think someone is mad at me, I’ll quit and find a different route with fresh people. I’m not going to prove myself. I know I fucked up in January and February. I was pretty badly depressed and unable to get out of bed. I got all of my work done, but I couldn’t keep any kind of normal hours and people certainly don’t have any reason to trust me at this job. So where he expects me to double down and prove myself, I pointed out that I have been doing fine ever since then. I’m getting to work, I’m keeping up with my work. If they want to distrust me, that’s up to them. He wants me to express more gratitude. That’s what it boiled down to by the end of this lecture. I need to be expressing outwardly how grateful I am not to have to work 3 jobs and be on welfare and have kids at home and be barely scraping by. I said fine I’ll go live on a box on the sidewalk. If that’s what he wants to see. Okay maybe that was a knee-jerk reaction but talking with him makes me feel like complete shit when he gets like this. He got really pissed and said I can’t be such a quitter, whining and poor me. Etc etc. It was pretty ugly for a while. I finally pointed out that a lot of my knee-jerk reactions weren’t really what I think, they’re just me being defensive because it feels like he’s attacking me. It went around and around for a while but we both calmed down. Then seemed to figure out the gratitude bit. I get the feeling he’d be happier about me if I make sure my uncle knows how grateful I am for him not firing my ass and throwing me out on the street to boot, and for allowing me this “cushy” job.

Anyway, he fit my bike into his car and we headed back to my uncle’s. He and my uncle chatted a while, drank some alcohol, and I went into the garage to try and figure out what tube to buy for “Peter’s” flat tire. That was my day. Today’s Mood Ranking: 5

Log: Apr 20 (Mon)

Apr 20 (Mon): Work 9:30a – 5:30p

Bee today

Bee today

Today, “Peter” and I woke up and got ready for work. I made the eggs and he made an assortment of other delicious items. At the time, I felt insecure that I wasn’t helping enough. Right as I type this, I’m calm and … whatever. I am trying and excited about it.

We parted ways at his train stop. I did not bicycle today because my legs are still sore from the tree planting. Parting is hard but in some ways pleasant. He makes me want to be better. He makes me want to be independent. He makes me want to cook and want to not be clingy and want to feel confident in my position in life.

But last night, with him, I was very insecure again. I will have to spend less time with him for now, get the focus off of me, find other things to do and people to chat with. I like him very much and the insecurity is going to make me crazy if I let it.

I have to add in some more space. He’s very good at that and it makes me want it. But do I want it for me or do I want it because he seems to want it? No. I want it because it will allow for a healthier relationship, if we stay together a while.

SO. I am sleeping alone tonight. I read a book in the sun for a while today. It will be hard if he makes any offers, but I will sleep alone tomorrow night, too. How about that.

What I’m excited about is what I learned about the Accounting stuff I’ve gotten interested in. It means I have to go back to school, where I live. So it’s opening up a whole new world of ideas to explore, and that’s cool. It’s just kind of overwhelming to know where to start.

I’m so tired. These cleaning chemicals of my uncle’s are making my entire skull hurt. I’ve done a lot of walking lately. Today’s Mood Ranking: 4-5

Log: Apr 18 + 19 (Sat + Sun)

Apr 18 (Sat): Tree planting or lake cleanup?? 9:00a – 2:00p

Apr 19 (Sun): Unknown; must rest and catch up on some chores

“Peter” and I chose the tree planting and we worked hard. We had to pull up a lot of asphalt again, with a pick. My legs (thighs) were quite sore for the bike ride back home. We cooked a lunch, very carefully and cleaned up very carefully afterward (my uncle is in cleaning mode). It seems like we went out walking but I can’t recall where to at the moment [update: we went to a beautiful lake]. He stayed over. I should have taken pain medicine; I didn’t sleep well until after 6a. We slept in.

We woke up kind of late, got prepped for the day, went up to make breakfast, was told the kitchen was off-limits (cleaning mode), so we went walking to find food. We settled on a pizza place that was surprisingly bland although I’ve eaten there before. But then, bland is fine for me, typically.

Kitty wants attention

Kitty wants attention; I want my keypad back 🙂

We left the area. We went to his city. We did some errands like picking up detergent. He did some computer work and I did my budgeting and then tried to log in to my Accounting Course online, but their entire site is down!! So then I looked up the laws of this state to see what is required to get a CPA and the requirements are amazingly complex. It’s not as easy as taking 8 Accounting courses and getting a certificate, as I had mistakenly thought. So now I’m back to looking for colleges that wouldn’t be too expensive for me to join. It’s going to take a face-to-face school for this much schooling. There’s no chance I could manage it all online. 8 courses, I thought maybe I had a chance. But the real-life requirements are so much more, soooo much more.

Anyway, I took 1mg of clonazepam to help me sleep and it worked. I slept soundly for the entire night (ironically, he didn’t; I wonder why; I’m self-centered enough to be sure it was something I was doing in my sleep, since I have a history of spinning, kicking, kneeing, and nose-whistling). But he said no. Oh, well.

Life is good as is. Stay this way for another couple of days, please. Don’t all fall apart yet. Just stay this way. Let me make my plans for schooling. Let me get settled into them. Then you can fall apart and I’ll still have a future. But “Peter” inspires me to want to make this all happen right now. I could really do it. I don’t really expect him to stay long-term. I do have strengths. I know that I do. But do they outweigh the weaknesses, in his eyes? Only he will find out. I need to keep on focusing on my strengths and strengthen them in my own eyes.

I hate low self-esteem. I hate it. I’m not the worst person in the world. Why can’t I be good enough for a good person? Weekend’s Mood Ranking: 4-(below 5 because of my insecurities coming out)

Con: Dogs Kept Off Leash In Cities (Comic#034)

Walk Time?

Walk Time?

I finally have a moment to write out this topic that’s been bugging me for a while. Some time back, I was shown a picture in a newspaper or something of a person walking their 7 German shepherds around in a city off leash. They’re wonderfully trained, obedient, and behaved.

I’m pro-animal with a particular love of dogs as pets and desire my dog to accompany me EVERYWHERE. So you might expect me to enjoy walking around a city with these well-trained, loose dogs following close behind their owners’ heels?

No.

I’m not impressed. When I am out in the middle of nowhere, in the woods, in the mountains, in a field, on a working ranch, at a dog park, etc., I am great with dogs off leash. I had a horse I used to let run free and wild in a giant old hay field (she wouldn’t go far because I kept my dominant mare on a lead line). I’m great with loose animals and they’re beautiful to watch and it’s lovely to see, etc.

But in a city, or wherever there is heavy foot traffic (let alone heavy vehicular traffic), I appreciate dogs on a leash. Even the top-notch, obedient, never-leave-their-owner’s-side dogs. Why? There are a couple of reasons.

  1. Respect for others.
    1. I believe it is disrespectful of other people. There are many people who have a fear of dogs. It is not fair to force those around you to walk past a loose dog on a narrow sidewalk. I have had people scared to pass me and my little, cute-n-fluffy dog even when he was friendly and on a leash at my side. Until you have seen people with a fear of dogs, you really cannot imagine what it is like. To you, it may be obvious that your dog is no threat, but not everyone will feel that way as you pass by them.
    2. Let’s get personal for a minute. My ex was scared of dogs. He had PTSD from getting attacked many times by his parents’ dogs as a child. He has scars all over his arms from them. When he passes by a dog – any dog – he has a full-body reaction. You cannot imagine the amount of adrenaline and other things that get triggered. Stress levels go way up. That means a higher likelihood of him taking it out on hopefully inanimate objects later, too. It takes a LONG time to calm the whole body back down. Certain breeds trigger the reaction more strongly than other breeds, but they all did it. A loose dog was an incredible stress, even when it is far in the distance.
  2. Respect for others. This time for their property. How many times have I looked over and seen that loose dog fall slightly behind their owner, poop on someone’s lawn, and then catch back up and the owner has no clue that they need to go back and clean up after their dog. That’s not cool.
  3. Safety for the dog. I don’t care how well-trained your dog is. What if your dog is stung by a bee and jumps just one foot off the sidewalk? Now your dog could be hit by a car and you have no way of pulling him back to safety.
  4. Safety for the dog. Sometimes it is not your dog, but a dog you are passing, that is the perpetrator of an attack. My own dog is guilty of this. If a loose dog runs up to him on leash, he is going to try to fight.

Please take your dog’s safety and everybody else’s safety and comfort into mind when deciding whether or not to leash up your dog for your urban walk. Please save your off-leash ventures for the less trafficked areas.

Poem: Un-Attach

I kiss you on the cheek and squeeze your hand for several seconds.
Then I let it go and step away from you.

I turn and walk toward the edge of the bluff.
Around me, the wind plays gently with wild flowers and grasses.
Some loose dirt swirls around my feet playfully.

I reach the edge and stand for a moment, with my eyes closed and my face tilted upward.
I feel the warmth of the sun on my skin and clothes.
I hear the gulls and the grasses.

I could turn to see you one last time, but I feel you there.
My heart bids you a silent farewell,
and knows your life will go on happily.

I raise my arms to the sun and smile.
My leg muscles tense in preparation to spring forward.

–innerdragon

*(To the reader: this is not intended as suicide ideation. This is me working to sever an emotional attachment through writing.)