Last Day at Work!

The day came. It actually came. I didn’t even know it was the last day. Back story:

A month or so before school started, I let my boss know that I’d decided to go back to school and would only be available a couple of days a week until he hired my replacement.

I just finished Midterms, so it’s been half a semester. It turns out that he wasn’t really trying to replace me because he was worried how I would live without an income. I had gone down to really only coming in once a week, but continuing to do phones, faxing, and other things as needed from a distance. So he did find a person to work a couple of days a week recently. She was hired last week.

SO my boss asked me, do I want to continue to work one day per week, because that’s fine, or he can replace me entirely. I asked for some time to think it over. Last Friday, I let him know that I decided to no longer work at all for the company, so I could focus more on the schooling. I said, though, that I wanted to continue working one day per week until the point when I could transfer all of our important documents and procedures onto my replacement. (this was worded better at the time)

I never heard back.

But TODAY, in the morning, I got a text from my boss asking if my replacement was there yet to get the info from me. I was like, what? I haven’t ever talked with her, I have no idea what’s going on.

Well like two hours later, she showed up!! I had a good chunk of hours to go over every step (nearly) of the manual I’d created, and transfer passwords, numbers, procedures, etc to her. There’s still quite a bit of random contacts that will need to be informed of my replacement’s email address and all that, but WOW, that was pretty amazing! And my replacement is a serious spitfire. She will talk BACK to the bosses. It’s great. Not like push-over me. It was really fun to watch.

One of my bosses was on his cellphone as he was leaving (work call), and as he reached for the door, he seemed to remember that it had become my last day, and he turned and either nodded or waived at me, and then left. Heheh. I find goodbyes really stressful but that one didn’t even involve me having to do anything but smile and nod back.

But still, I do wonder what it all means. At lunch, my two bosses, myself, and another coworker went out to lunch together. And one of my bosses mused out loud that we needed to set up the phone system because he has no idea where any of the voicemails or faxes we receive have been going…. FOR REAL!!!!!!! I raised my hand and said, “…That’s me.” I’ve been taking care of them since March. Nobody knew that??? I had it routing to my cellphone every day of the week, even weekends. I could take care of any faxing from anywhere in the world I had service. He thought our voicemail system was going into a void that nobody knew how to check or take care of! Oy.

But, that’s enough negativity. Honestly, I have actually learned a ton from working at that company. I’ve learned more about the specifics of the tasks involved, and I’ve learned more about working with various personalities. I’ve learned a lot about many different kinds of problems that I had to solve on my own. There are still 2 problems I haven’t yet solved and to be honest, I will likely continue to work at those two until I figure out how to resolve them. But it was a very lucky thing I got that job from my uncle in the first place. It was lucky they kept me on. Especially back in January when I was so depressed and sluggish and came in hours late all the time. I was quite lucky.

And one employee did say thank you for all I’ve done. 🙂 And that was the one employee who usually did her own tasks and mailings and didn’t use me very often. But she’s super sweet and I’ll miss her, although I was always very awkward around her. I was always awkward around all of them, actually! I don’t think I ever felt quite right there. (And for comparison, I DID feel like I fit in perfectly at my old job.)

HEY and in other news, bf and I have not found an apartment yet. We will be moving in with his mother (not his father, after all), until we find a place. But we are looking now and that relieves me quite a lot.

And midterm grades came out, and I have all A’s so far! But like I say, the only way for me to go from here is down! Ha ha ha! I don’t know why I love being a pessimist so much.

Cheers, everyone! ❤

Oh hey and by the way, I found something really weird when I was cleaning off my work computer of anything personal. Something really, really, really weird. I won’t post it here, but it was weird. Then I went on a long bike ride for the way home and I got mixed up because I was also talking with my mom via headset. And it was getting dark. But I made it. I haven’t been exercising much at all.

2 Brief Poems, from the night

Rain
Above, the sky is dark, gray
Water runs down my
upturned face
Freely

–innerdragon
——————–

Don’t run.
The wind shifts and brings a single
plastic bag
Don’t scare.
Jump in place.
Snort, with eyes wide
Lift just one hoof
Just one.
Just in case.

–innerdragon

Log: Apr 21 (Tue) willpower is kind of sad

Apr 21 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a, Work 10a – 5:30p, Lunch with Shelly unknown time @unknown location, Evening lake walk with Shelly 5:30p @lake, Dinner with brother 7p @his apartment

Baby Canadian Geese

Baby Canadian Geese

Today is sad. This is because I promised myself that I would spend tonight alone. I didn’t hear from “Peter” for most of yesterday, but halfway through today he did invite me to play music tonight.

I had to say no. Because I promised myself. And I made plans with Shelly to go walking around a lake (I need to leave right now; I’ll keep her waiting otherwise). But tomorrow won’t work either, because he has Book Club. So I won’t see him again until Thursday. I know, that is not far from now. But it feels far.

But I have a lot to get done anyway. THERE IS JUST SO DAMN MUCH I NEED TO GET ACCOMPLISHED this week, preferably.

I’m caught up at work still, so that’s something. Okay, I have to get bicycling to my meeting spot. I am probably going to delay her a bit, as I’m not sure how long this ride is going to take. More later, all. (Don’t sound so enthused…)

More babies

More babies

UPDATE: Okay, so I walked half the lake with Shelly and it was really fun and I got some neat pictures of baby Canadian Geese. They were adorable. The adults scared the living daylights out of some poor dogs whose owners were oblivious to the fact that they were jogging their dogs right past these babies. The adults didn’t mind humans coming close, but would hiss and run at all of the dogs. I also got to see a rat but my picture came out blurry. He was cute.

Then I met my brother at his apartment. We were there for a short time, and then ate out at a nearby restaurant. Everything was pleasant and great. Then we returned to his apartment to gather our stuff to head to our uncle’s place, and that’s when the typical lecturing started. I don’t remember the exact starting moment. I think I made the mistake of expressing excitement about some of my future plans, like finding an apartment/roommate, taking some classes, getting health insurance through a job. That’s what it was. I pointed out that I am back to working enough hours at this job that I qualify for their health insurance. He went into how I fucked it up for 2 months and nobody in their right mind would trust me now, I have a lot to rebuild their trust in me, I need to sound more grateful for my uncle not firing my ass, etc.

Canadian geese

Canadian geese

This sort of thing doesn’t motivate me, as he expects. He says when he fucks up then he’s more motivated to prove himself. That’s not how it works for me. If I think someone is mad at me, I’ll quit and find a different route with fresh people. I’m not going to prove myself. I know I fucked up in January and February. I was pretty badly depressed and unable to get out of bed. I got all of my work done, but I couldn’t keep any kind of normal hours and people certainly don’t have any reason to trust me at this job. So where he expects me to double down and prove myself, I pointed out that I have been doing fine ever since then. I’m getting to work, I’m keeping up with my work. If they want to distrust me, that’s up to them. He wants me to express more gratitude. That’s what it boiled down to by the end of this lecture. I need to be expressing outwardly how grateful I am not to have to work 3 jobs and be on welfare and have kids at home and be barely scraping by. I said fine I’ll go live on a box on the sidewalk. If that’s what he wants to see. Okay maybe that was a knee-jerk reaction but talking with him makes me feel like complete shit when he gets like this. He got really pissed and said I can’t be such a quitter, whining and poor me. Etc etc. It was pretty ugly for a while. I finally pointed out that a lot of my knee-jerk reactions weren’t really what I think, they’re just me being defensive because it feels like he’s attacking me. It went around and around for a while but we both calmed down. Then seemed to figure out the gratitude bit. I get the feeling he’d be happier about me if I make sure my uncle knows how grateful I am for him not firing my ass and throwing me out on the street to boot, and for allowing me this “cushy” job.

Anyway, he fit my bike into his car and we headed back to my uncle’s. He and my uncle chatted a while, drank some alcohol, and I went into the garage to try and figure out what tube to buy for “Peter’s” flat tire. That was my day. Today’s Mood Ranking: 5

Log: Apr 20 (Mon)

Apr 20 (Mon): Work 9:30a – 5:30p

Bee today

Bee today

Today, “Peter” and I woke up and got ready for work. I made the eggs and he made an assortment of other delicious items. At the time, I felt insecure that I wasn’t helping enough. Right as I type this, I’m calm and … whatever. I am trying and excited about it.

We parted ways at his train stop. I did not bicycle today because my legs are still sore from the tree planting. Parting is hard but in some ways pleasant. He makes me want to be better. He makes me want to be independent. He makes me want to cook and want to not be clingy and want to feel confident in my position in life.

But last night, with him, I was very insecure again. I will have to spend less time with him for now, get the focus off of me, find other things to do and people to chat with. I like him very much and the insecurity is going to make me crazy if I let it.

I have to add in some more space. He’s very good at that and it makes me want it. But do I want it for me or do I want it because he seems to want it? No. I want it because it will allow for a healthier relationship, if we stay together a while.

SO. I am sleeping alone tonight. I read a book in the sun for a while today. It will be hard if he makes any offers, but I will sleep alone tomorrow night, too. How about that.

What I’m excited about is what I learned about the Accounting stuff I’ve gotten interested in. It means I have to go back to school, where I live. So it’s opening up a whole new world of ideas to explore, and that’s cool. It’s just kind of overwhelming to know where to start.

I’m so tired. These cleaning chemicals of my uncle’s are making my entire skull hurt. I’ve done a lot of walking lately. Today’s Mood Ranking: 4-5

Log: Apr 18 + 19 (Sat + Sun)

Apr 18 (Sat): Tree planting or lake cleanup?? 9:00a – 2:00p

Apr 19 (Sun): Unknown; must rest and catch up on some chores

“Peter” and I chose the tree planting and we worked hard. We had to pull up a lot of asphalt again, with a pick. My legs (thighs) were quite sore for the bike ride back home. We cooked a lunch, very carefully and cleaned up very carefully afterward (my uncle is in cleaning mode). It seems like we went out walking but I can’t recall where to at the moment [update: we went to a beautiful lake]. He stayed over. I should have taken pain medicine; I didn’t sleep well until after 6a. We slept in.

We woke up kind of late, got prepped for the day, went up to make breakfast, was told the kitchen was off-limits (cleaning mode), so we went walking to find food. We settled on a pizza place that was surprisingly bland although I’ve eaten there before. But then, bland is fine for me, typically.

Kitty wants attention

Kitty wants attention; I want my keypad back 🙂

We left the area. We went to his city. We did some errands like picking up detergent. He did some computer work and I did my budgeting and then tried to log in to my Accounting Course online, but their entire site is down!! So then I looked up the laws of this state to see what is required to get a CPA and the requirements are amazingly complex. It’s not as easy as taking 8 Accounting courses and getting a certificate, as I had mistakenly thought. So now I’m back to looking for colleges that wouldn’t be too expensive for me to join. It’s going to take a face-to-face school for this much schooling. There’s no chance I could manage it all online. 8 courses, I thought maybe I had a chance. But the real-life requirements are so much more, soooo much more.

Anyway, I took 1mg of clonazepam to help me sleep and it worked. I slept soundly for the entire night (ironically, he didn’t; I wonder why; I’m self-centered enough to be sure it was something I was doing in my sleep, since I have a history of spinning, kicking, kneeing, and nose-whistling). But he said no. Oh, well.

Life is good as is. Stay this way for another couple of days, please. Don’t all fall apart yet. Just stay this way. Let me make my plans for schooling. Let me get settled into them. Then you can fall apart and I’ll still have a future. But “Peter” inspires me to want to make this all happen right now. I could really do it. I don’t really expect him to stay long-term. I do have strengths. I know that I do. But do they outweigh the weaknesses, in his eyes? Only he will find out. I need to keep on focusing on my strengths and strengthen them in my own eyes.

I hate low self-esteem. I hate it. I’m not the worst person in the world. Why can’t I be good enough for a good person? Weekend’s Mood Ranking: 4-(below 5 because of my insecurities coming out)

Con: Dogs Kept Off Leash In Cities (Comic#034)

Walk Time?

Walk Time?

I finally have a moment to write out this topic that’s been bugging me for a while. Some time back, I was shown a picture in a newspaper or something of a person walking their 7 German shepherds around in a city off leash. They’re wonderfully trained, obedient, and behaved.

I’m pro-animal with a particular love of dogs as pets and desire my dog to accompany me EVERYWHERE. So you might expect me to enjoy walking around a city with these well-trained, loose dogs following close behind their owners’ heels?

No.

I’m not impressed. When I am out in the middle of nowhere, in the woods, in the mountains, in a field, on a working ranch, at a dog park, etc., I am great with dogs off leash. I had a horse I used to let run free and wild in a giant old hay field (she wouldn’t go far because I kept my dominant mare on a lead line). I’m great with loose animals and they’re beautiful to watch and it’s lovely to see, etc.

But in a city, or wherever there is heavy foot traffic (let alone heavy vehicular traffic), I appreciate dogs on a leash. Even the top-notch, obedient, never-leave-their-owner’s-side dogs. Why? There are a couple of reasons.

  1. Respect for others.
    1. I believe it is disrespectful of other people. There are many people who have a fear of dogs. It is not fair to force those around you to walk past a loose dog on a narrow sidewalk. I have had people scared to pass me and my little, cute-n-fluffy dog even when he was friendly and on a leash at my side. Until you have seen people with a fear of dogs, you really cannot imagine what it is like. To you, it may be obvious that your dog is no threat, but not everyone will feel that way as you pass by them.
    2. Let’s get personal for a minute. My ex was scared of dogs. He had PTSD from getting attacked many times by his parents’ dogs as a child. He has scars all over his arms from them. When he passes by a dog – any dog – he has a full-body reaction. You cannot imagine the amount of adrenaline and other things that get triggered. Stress levels go way up. That means a higher likelihood of him taking it out on hopefully inanimate objects later, too. It takes a LONG time to calm the whole body back down. Certain breeds trigger the reaction more strongly than other breeds, but they all did it. A loose dog was an incredible stress, even when it is far in the distance.
  2. Respect for others. This time for their property. How many times have I looked over and seen that loose dog fall slightly behind their owner, poop on someone’s lawn, and then catch back up and the owner has no clue that they need to go back and clean up after their dog. That’s not cool.
  3. Safety for the dog. I don’t care how well-trained your dog is. What if your dog is stung by a bee and jumps just one foot off the sidewalk? Now your dog could be hit by a car and you have no way of pulling him back to safety.
  4. Safety for the dog. Sometimes it is not your dog, but a dog you are passing, that is the perpetrator of an attack. My own dog is guilty of this. If a loose dog runs up to him on leash, he is going to try to fight.

Please take your dog’s safety and everybody else’s safety and comfort into mind when deciding whether or not to leash up your dog for your urban walk. Please save your off-leash ventures for the less trafficked areas.

Poem: Un-Attach

I kiss you on the cheek and squeeze your hand for several seconds.
Then I let it go and step away from you.

I turn and walk toward the edge of the bluff.
Around me, the wind plays gently with wild flowers and grasses.
Some loose dirt swirls around my feet playfully.

I reach the edge and stand for a moment, with my eyes closed and my face tilted upward.
I feel the warmth of the sun on my skin and clothes.
I hear the gulls and the grasses.

I could turn to see you one last time, but I feel you there.
My heart bids you a silent farewell,
and knows your life will go on happily.

I raise my arms to the sun and smile.
My leg muscles tense in preparation to spring forward.

–innerdragon

*(To the reader: this is not intended as suicide ideation. This is me working to sever an emotional attachment through writing.)

Journal + thoughts on safety

Clouds

Clouds

Not only do I have the mystery bruises all over, but I just finally tried to rub off a colored mark on my thumbnail that’s been there for a couple of days. I ignore marks around my nails because they always rub or wash off eventually, be them dirt (or more likely chocolate) or whatever.

So I tried scraping this mark off and it turns out to be dried blood and there is a pin-prick hole in my nail where obviously something punctured through my nail and into the bed beneath (it looks like there is a sliver in there right now). How did I not feel it happen? Usually nail injuries are so painful.

Oh, well. Anyway. I bicycled to and from work today! The way down took me 40 minutes and the way back took me 60 minutes (it’s uphill on the way back). It’s a bit crazy on one stretch due to the traffic, but I didn’t mind.

I’m having people tell me that I’m being unsafe again. Do any of you guys get told that? I’m told that I don’t feel danger when I should. One of the cars passed so close to me that I probably could have reached out my elbow and touched it. But it’s kind of exciting to be riding in a city. I do wonder if I should get pepper spray or anything, though. I used to ride with a stun gun. I felt less safe on the non-populated roads I used to ride on back Home.

On the other hand, one of the streets I crossed today was the same street where a murder took place yesterday or the day before.

That’s why people are telling me I’m unsafe again. My brother saw the murdered body and was questioned by police due to his physical proximity to the murder. So he and my mom apparently had a conversation about safety during which he apparently told my mom that I have been being an easy target on the trains because I’m small and wear a “large backpack” to work that would apparently make predator humans wonder what I am carrying.

Well at least with the bike, I have a bike bag, so I’m not wearing a back pack.

I don’t know how to explain it. I have certainly experienced moments of complete creep-out. I have sensors. But situations that creep out other people don’t always creep me out, and then I get another lecture. Like the night I was with a group of people and we were walking back to my uncle’s house in the dark (my mom was one of them). There was a stopped car turning around in an intersection and then slowing down kind of unusually. I got lectured for starting to walk on the usual walking path which would have taken me near the vehicle. Apparently I was supposed to have gone the opposite way because the car wasn’t following normal protocol. I had certainly noticed the vehicle and where it was, but I guess I wasn’t too worried. I was with a group, and wasn’t going to go within arm’s reach. But I guess mostly, it was driving behavior that I myself do whenever I have taken a wrong turn or am trying to find my way. So it didn’t necessarily creep me out. If I’d been alone, I’d have been more cautious.

But that’s the wrong thing to say/do. Sometimes it’s frustrating. I lived my whole life until the past 2 years playing by 150% of all safety rules. Maybe I don’t want to live in fear anymore. I don’t mean to do anything stupid. The most scared I’ve been this year was a couple of months back when I decided to walk from the train to a pharmacy by myself. It got dark and I was on a road that turned out to have little traffic. I got scared out of my mind but I wasn’t going to call my uncle to bail me and I didn’t yet know how to use the taxi-like services. I was so scared of the parked vehicles and shrubbery, I ended up walking most of the way in the middle of the road. I decided I’d rather be hit by a car than be attacked by a predator human. It was all fine, in the end. I did have my uncle bail me from the pharmacy when he went to pick up my aunt an hour later.

So yeah, sometimes I do make poor decisions. But bicycling in the city? Maybe I’ll get creamed but somehow it still feels safer than traveling back streets alone in the dark back Home.

I walked with a friend the other night, after music practice. What I haven’t yet told anybody is that we went on an extremely long walk afterward, it was all at night, and I didn’t know where I was, of course, and a lot of the places actually alarmed me because they were not populated (well, not like the heart of the city areas). But then, the views were AMAZING. We traveled up hills, past parks, and could look back out over the city, all lit up in the dark. It was so pretty. We were fine, but I know I cannot tell anybody in my family that I did that. So I’d better not do that again.

Why does my brother have to tell my mom that I’m an easy target on public transportation systems? Okay, I did take the train back at like midnight that night, but then caught a ride back to my uncle’s, so I did not walk home alone. Of course, the ride I caught was one of the taxi-like services, so in other words, a complete stranger.

:::SIGH:::

My poor mom.

I don’t want to be unsafe. But I also don’t want to be afraid. I have lived the beginnings of my life in fear, and kept away from so much. The least safe I have ever been was part of what triggered the beginnings of my divorce.

But I’ve always been told I do not always recognize dangers. And then I also feel danger in SO MANY THINGS that aren’t actually dangerous. It’s not that black and white like other people make it seem.

My mum gave me a book titled, “The Gift of Fear” when I went away to college. I read it, or got through some portion of it, and let me tell you, I do not recommend that book. I understand that our creep-out senses are there for a reason, but holy fuck, if you have any anxieties, this will just make them go out of control, to where you won’t want to speak to anybody or leave your room at all.

You live a life where you treat everybody as a predator human and yourself as a prey at all times. How about instead I work on getting physically stronger, work on feeling more self-confidence. I love self-defense courses and should take more of those. Carry pepper spray. Be prepared. But come on, I don’t want to live where my BODY is on alert mode 100% of the time! That isn’t fair. I am always alert in public. I am always scanning for shifty behavior. Why do I have to treat everyone as if they are actually trying to hurt me?

Save me your fear. I don’t want it. Maybe I’m living with a little bit of increased risk now compared to how I was before, but I am happy with it. I am happy to feel a moment of independence, a moment of freedom. A moment where I can make a decision on my own without everyone jumping all over me about it.

But there’s something else in me that likes to go off radar from time to time. It’s weird. 95% of my time, I wouldn’t mind if I had a tracer on me at all times. Everyone in my life can know where I am and what I’m doing at every second. And then a day will come where I don’t WANT that. I don’t want a SOUL to know where I am or what I’m doing. I want to go completely differently than ever before and have nobody know and nobody there as a back-up and nobody there to bail me and nobody there to call and check in on me.

These are the days that freak my mom out. Actually, she handled the last one I had pretty well, or she didn’t share her fear with me.

Anyway, I am feeling somewhat more myself today. Still a bit out.

In basically all of the short stories I’ve ever written, there’s a main character that’s me and she always runs at some point. Just disappears, where only the reader knows where, the other characters just know to accept it and carry on with their lives and she returns back eventually, but sometimes it takes months. Meanwhile, she is out in the world, typically by herself, but I won’t go into it any more. They’re private short stories but someday, I hope to publish. The problem is that they’re like me talking myself through something, so I don’t know how much sense they’d ever make to a reader, or how interesting they’d be.

One story was complete from start to finish but that one was screwed up. I wrote it after college and I think shared it with my therapist. I don’t actually recall receiving any feedback about it at all whatsoever, come to think of it. I was proud of it but it was screwed up. I’d be curious to read it again, but all of my writings are back in my childhood bedroom right now, in a drawer I intentionally jammed shut so it cannot be opened. It’s full up with writings that would hurt my parents very badly if they ever read them. I hope I can someday go there and take care of the writings. Probably I would digitize them and get rid of the originals.

It’s my old comics that I really, really wish I could have my mom bring me next time she visits. I want to scan them and post them. I really liked some of them.

Aaanndd I started to pee in my sleep again last night. Dammit, what is going on? At least I woke up just after starting to pee. Then I just went back to sleep and was fine.

ADDITION: Today’s morning was a FAIL. 😥 I snoozed my alarm clock twice and then suddenly it was 11a and I was so sound asleep and my dear friend “Joe” happened to call! Otherwise, I wonder if I’d have made it to work at all? My 2nd alarm is currently out of commission because of the daylight savings thing — can’t reset the clock until midnight because the time feature is broken — have to unplug it from the wall and then plug it back in to reset the time. Of course, I should have just made the alarm part an hour off. That’s what I’ll do tonight — I don’t plan to be awake at midnight tonight either.

One brief moment to process the weekend.

Tree

Tree

Hi all,
This will be a difficult weekend to process. Unfortunately, I will not share all of the details here. So I’m not sure how to process what I cannot admit. I will lay on the bare bones structure.

On Saturday, I volunteered time to help prune city trees again. I love it. I love the upbeat people, I love that we are helping take care of trees that haven’t seen care in three years, and I love the interactions with the neighborhood folk in the various areas I’ve seen so far – many people become very engaged with us as we work on the trees in front of their and their neighbors’ houses.

I will make a special note of a group of young men who, perhaps being high at the time, were QUITE concerned with protecting the trees of “their” street. My group’s leader did such an amazing job of explaining exactly what we’re doing and the reasons (how it helps the trees in the long run), the connection with the different programs involved, etc. Meanwhile, one of the young men in the backseat of the car started naming some of the tree limbs that were marked for removal. He named one limb after himself and started to shout out the car window: “OH NOOO, MY ARM! MY ARM! DON’T TAKE MY ARM!” Meanwhile flailing his arm out the car window, along with saying all kinds of stuff that had me cracking up. He named the next limb God. You can imagine how that went, perhaps.

Okay, back to my story. Then, I and one other person went walking around the city. I walked until I had a blister on my foot but still didn’t feel like stopping, which is odd for me. But it was such a beautiful day. In the end, we decided to visit a dog park, so I suggested that it would be a pity to view a dog park without dogs, so we walked to retrieve my aunt and uncle’s dogs. By this point, it was sunset. The dogs had a BLAST. I am not sure if it was a safe decision to stay out so late, in hindsight, but everyone we met was very friendly. It was completely dark before we returned the dogs home. I would never stay out after dark by myself, but I suppose I felt safe because I was not alone and we had two large dogs.

Sunday, I was due for a challenging conversation with someone I had stressed out quite a lot. I shut down partway through so I am afraid it is not complete. But I think the stress has dispersed. Of course, a moment of how person had dealt with the stress triggered me because the scenario seemed suddenly identical to a very terrible scenario between me and my ex. So I am having some difficulties processing this still. I have the lingering feeling of having done something so terrible and unmentionable. Yet I can SEE that the reality is that the worst thing I did was to be unclear about when I would and would not be available to respond to texts and cause a lot of worry for my personal safety as well as anxiety for a change in the normal texting routine and communication. The rest is something else entirely, and I think a very natural human reaction in spite of the spoken rules of open dating, which is not something I am very familiar with to begin with.

Although I do not mean to hurt anybody, my typical nature is very prone to hurting other people. I lose track of time when I am in the present moment. I forget obligations and other versions of reality. It’s like where I am is where I am, and everything else is somehow on pause. | But it’s not. I hear about it. How many times have I upset my mom because I failed to check in at times when she was concerned for my safety? How many times did my “the one” “soulmate” express to me the sorrow and loneliness he felt because I was part of all kinds of activity clubs on campus and wasn’t sitting at my computer Messengering him? He was THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME ON THE PLANET (aside from my folks, too), and I couldn’t drag myself out of the present moment to spend that quality time with him that he needed. (I did Messenger and phone call with him most nights, and I hand-wrote him all day long, but I don’t think I ever actually sent most of the letters, and the Messengers and calls were so late at night, I was too exhausted to connect very well. There were other issues as well.)

So is hearing that someone was worried sick about me new to me? No, I have stressed people out before. (I’m not excusing it.) But this had some additional circumstances that makes it much more complex and I don’t know how to process the entire thing quite yet.

I won’t be processing it tonight. I am, in fact, not quite myself tonight. It would be hard to explain, but I do not feel like the same person tonight as I was just a few days ago. How to explain to people in your life that you will not be connecting with them in the same way at this moment, because you(me) are a different person right now?

Maybe everyone around you feels hollow and puppet-like, to boot. So you can feel no emotional connection to them. Something could probably catch fire next to me and I’d hardly find it out of place, now that I think of it. Self-protection mode? Check. Dissociation? Yup.

P.S. Friday: I walked 17,000 steps after music practice. (Oh! I forgot to mention another music practice! I played poorly but it was nice.)
Saturday: I walked 25,300 steps!!! That is a crazy-big number, for me.
Sunday: I bicycled a little.

P.P.S. I do not know what from, but I have bruises all over my body right now. They started to develop last Wednesday. I don’t know what from; I was not helping move anything that day. I would have understood if they had developed after Monday, when I was helping move things, or even Tuesday, when I helped carry some heavy items. But nothing on Wednesday that would explain this. One in particular is very large.

Update

Flowers

Verbena Flowers

I just have a few things to share. Today was better. I’m going to finish this post and then vacuum, if nobody comes home first. I’m alone right now and it’s nice. No pressure. No eggshells.

I think my mom figured it out, though. She knows her brother pretty well and she has helped me to understand other people’s motivations a lot over the years. She thought about it all night (actually, she had insomnia last night because this was on her mind; I may have expressed my frustrations to her yesterday). She thinks a big chunk of why my uncle has amped up his vocalizing of his disapproval and his side comments toward me is because of my tardiness to work. He probably feels like he can’t fire me, but since January 1 of this year, I have been very bad at showing up to work at any decent hour. So obviously, with any other employee, he’d want to fire their asses. But he probably feels like he can’t fire me, so instead his frustration and disapproval is coming out at me in other ways, in personal life.

I don’t plan to be tardy now that we’re at the new location. I was freaking out since back then because of the impending move, but the move has happened now (P.S. “Joe” did nearly all of the packing. I did the two cabinets of office and shipping supplies, since that’s like my little “happy place” of office life, but basically nothing else. Even when it came time to pack up my own desk I just froze and didn’t do it). I have been showing up at the same time as my uncle since we moved, except for today, when I had therapy in the morning and then waited a little extra time so I could meet “Joe” at the train station and walk with him the rest of the way to work. (My uncle never went to the office before, but will be doing so now that it is in this new location.) (P.P.P.P.S. Today was “Joe’s” last day of helping out at the office.)

I do not plan to be late, but I know myself and some of my negative qualities. If I feel like I’m being micro-scoped about what time I leave the house, I’m going to get later and later because I’ll be afraid of showing my face / opposed to showing my face.

So what I need to do is take this into my own hands and basically leave the house without being noticed and show up like it’s just any other job, not an analyzed “thing”. You know what I mean? If it’s a big “thing”, I’m going to end up avoiding it like the plague. If it’s ignored, it won’t be a big deal to me either.

In therapy, we decided that I need to move out, because I *am* dependent on my aunt and uncle right now, and so I will be treated as a dependent.

If I moved out, I could even stay at that job, hypothetically. If I went back to full time work, I could even switch to their benefits. But then I’d have to switch doctors, therapist, psychiatrist. But I just don’t know.

I got excited at the thought of finding other people to rent a room from, if I can find someone who would allow me to get a DOG. Can you imagine? I know, I said I had to sell my pony before I let myself get a dog. But can you just imagine it? Me and a hypoallergenic dog? What if I found a place near an animal rescue site? What if I could work and live near animal rescue? What if I could work AT an animal rescue place? Ah dreams!!!

I know I’m in a pretty good mental state right now because I’m able to think of being alive for the next several months. That’s so much better than when I first arrived here and could only project ahead a few days tops. Now that I’ve pictured getting a dog and living independently, I don’t know if I can shove that back down. Imagine me having my very own refrigerator??? I don’t cook but I can put together sandwich ingredients. I can keep carrots and hummus in stock. Etc. I think I’d survive all right food-wise now (I didn’t feel I could do that when I first arrived, either).

So I know that being here has been very healthy for me. But now that I’m feeling so much better, I feel that itch for independence and adulthood again…

This time, I’ll get it right.

And OMG I want my own dog again. I miss my baby. I want to get the same breed as him because he was so much the perfect match for me. But my previous therapist was quite certain that I should get a wheaton terrier, because they are apparently the top-rated service animal for people on the autistic spectrum. Apparently, they are hypoallergenic, large enough to not be fragile (my favorite breed is very fragile), and are supposed to have a very good temperament. She said they are much more level-headed and calm than any of the -doodles (labradoodles, goldendoodles, etc), making them very good for people on the spectrum.

My baby couldn’t be a service dog because he is just as sensitive to loud sounds and sudden movements as me, and is also fragile enough that I have to worry for his safety each time we pass by another dog.

BUT I like a little dog. First, their poops are much easier to address. Second, I figure that if I am ever out on a mountain with my small dog and he were to get hurt, I could easily carry him back. Third, I’ve always wanted a lap dog. Fourth, I could easily crate a small dog for travel. (In fact, here, I would only be able to take a small dog with me in a crate on the train, unless a big dog was certified as a service animal.) [[ADDITION: Fifth, they eat less.]]

But, why would I get a dog if not for being certified as a service animal? So I don’t need to be concerned about that part — the travel part. Whatever dog I were to get would be a service animal.

Then there is another catch, which is that I do not want to support a breeder (except for the woman who bred my beloved dog. I know her and she’s not a mass breeder and not in it for the profit. But on principle, I don’t really want to support a breeder). I want to support rescue animals. But because of my allergies, I am rather stuck with pure-breed animals. I would have to find rescue groups for either of the two dog breeds I decide between, both of which, I think, are a bit more rare than a lot of other breeds. There are plenty on PetFinder, though. So it’s possible. | Okay, I am looking at all the dogs on PetFinder, now [i.e., I’m “in my happy place” and will be there a while] (although I must rehome my pony first anyway, which will be killer hard emotionally). ‘Later everyone.