Weaning off Lexapro: Days 76 – 86




  • 5mg Lexapro, normal thyroid meds
  • Vitamins when I remember
  • Exercise: LOTS of walking and some bicycling


  • Strong, quickly changing emotions
  • More tired

Journal Items:

  • I regret having gone so long between journaling here, because this has been a HARD ten days
  • My body is NOT pleased with this lower dose, yet!
  • I am biting my bf’s HEAD off at the slightest drop of a hat
  • I do think that the last couple of days have been slightly better
  • Until my P.M.S. also joined in, and now I’m super emotional and who can tell what’s what
  • Studying has been challenging
  • We have company over for about 10 days, which has been good so far (but knowing myself, I’ll need some alone time soon)
  • It’ll be hard to have alone time tomorrow, seeing as my door hinge is going to have some wood glue as one of its newest additions and will then be open, propped up while drying for the whole day. 😉
  • Tomorrow needs to bring much focus and studying. It’s hard [to focus] because the content is so hard right now.

Weaning off Lexapro: Days 28, 29, 30

Sadly, you can tell that my interests are starting to cycle again already. I can’t even make myself journal here consistently. I wish I knew how to prevent this process.

All 3 of these days, I’ve had the same meds:

  • 10mg Lexapro (crazy); normal thyroid meds
  • 10mg Zyrtec
  • multivite
  • Day 28: minimal exercise (walking)
  • Day 29: a good amount of walking
  • Day 30: lots of walking


  • I’ve had a cold
  • I’ve been cranky
  • a little reflux at night still
  • OCD thoughts as I try to sleep

Journal Items:

Eh, I’ve no idea. Day 28: Meh? Day 29: Walking but very slowly (I was pretty sick; I even skipped my Pokewalk day). Day 30: Volunteer work for most of the day. Yay. A little Pokemon stuff. I dunno. I don’t feel super, emotionally. Oh hey, I need to sign up at the local college again. I’ve decided that’s what’s going to save me and put me back onto a schedule again. I need to do that approximately…right now.

Weaning off Lexapro: Day 21

Blue sky with several different types of clouds

Clouds from a year ago

Meds Today:

  • 10mg Lexapro; norm. thyroid meds
  • multivite chewables; calcium?
  • EDIT: some walking exercise


  • not much
  • my face is becoming more read-able?? This isn’t a good thing! When I was really disappointed about something this evening, someone could read it who can’t normally read it, and I prefer to hide such things!
  • in and out of reality / surrealness just a few times

Journal Items:

  • Got out of bed kind of late (after 11:30 maybe??)
  • Breakfast
  • Ran to get a PokĂ©mon a couple of blocks away but I was too late
  • Tried to study; got distracted. Repeat x 1,000
  • Vacuumed a little, laundry, mopped the kitchen due to a sugar spill or something, hung something on a wall
  • Dinner
  • Studied a tiny bit
  • Chatted with another PokĂ©mon Go player online; now getting ready for bed (a bit late)

Log: Jun 30 – Jul 3 (Tue – Fri) Free music

Jun 30 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a; Work 10:30a – 6:15p; Free music performance 8p
Jul 1 (Wed): Work 9:30a – 5:30p
Jul 2 (Thu): Work 8:07a – 6:30p; Free music performance 8p
Jul 3 (Fri): Work 11a – 5:30p

I’m not going to separate out these days. But on Tuesday and Thursday, Peter & I did attend the free music performances in the evening! I’m so glad. My favorite music teacher was playing!!! Next year, I’ll sign up for the music workshops in advance.

I’ve gotten so much done this week. But there are two things I need to do still. One is something for work. The other is to turn in my letter of resignation to my bosses. I’m so afraid of doing that. I’ve already written the letter but I can’t bring myself to turn it in. I had mentioned to my uncle a week or two ago that I was seriously considering taking classes this fall, he suggested I look into the nearby college by my workplace because they offer evening classes… So then I chickened out telling him that it’s going to involve me quitting work.

I have to be brave. It’ll give him over a month to find a replacement. But I have to actually let him know, so he can start looking.

Meanwhile, I called my health insurance again on the last possible day I could hope to apply for the government health care program, and they were able to contact the woman who makes decisions about appeals, and she looked at my case and APPROVED IT. So I HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE. Hallelujah!!!

Then yesterday, I finally called the college where I’m trying to sign up for the fall classes, and they searched their emails to find my paperwork, found it, scanned it over with me on the phone, and approved it, too!!!!! So my English waiver got approved and I was able to sign up for the core class I previously couldn’t register for!!!! Yay. So I’ve got my class schedule all set now. Then I went and applied for the FAFSA stuff so that I can hopefully qualify for a little bit of Work Study, I’m hoping for Friday morning. That would get me on the campus on Fridays and give me the rest of the day there to do homework.

One thing about me: I do not. do homework. at home.

Do. Not.

I’d love to. But belieeeevvveee me, it doesn’t happen. I don’t have the discipline or focus. So I’ve set my entire schedule up to be morning classes M – R, and the rest of the day, I will stay on campus to do homework until dinner time, when I’ll go home. Pretty damn exciting stuff. I’ve signed up for more credits than I could normally handle (14), but two of the classes should be really easy for me — they are computer stuff that I have done before, but don’t know enough of the fancy formulas in Excel and whatnot to test out of them. So I have to take the classes to get the certificate I want. So meanwhile, I’ve also signed up for a small vocal ensemble group course! It’s 3 hours once a week, but I think I will love it so much. I absolutely love singing with other voices, and I wanted a little more focus than you’d get with a large choir. It’s only 1 credit, but 3 hours straight is pretty heavy.

Log: May 19 (Tue) What to do with spare time

May 19 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a; Work 10:30a – 5:30p; Night at aunt + uncle’s house, alone

I have a moment of free time. But there are so many options for how to spend it, I have done nothing. I skimmed through FB and looked at peoples’ pictures. That’s all. That’s now done for today (maybe for the week). There are so many things I could do:

  • Write bad poetry
  • Sketch
  • Sign up for the Fall semester in-person Accounting courses
  • Apply for more jobs
  • Go through more online, free courses (I finished the Accounting one; there are many others on different topics that look interesting)
  • Read a book (there are 2 here that I could read right now)
  • Practice French or Spanish


Meme from the interwebs: I have too much thyme on my hands

Meme from the interwebs

I read a little bit this morning. I accidentally slept for about 7 minutes. I watched 1 online lecture (the last Accounting one). I wrote a poem yesterday morning. I could look into signing up for the Fall semester classes right now. BRB I’ve now finished another chapter of a book. BRB Now I’ve gone through a few minutes of a basic French lesson. Okay, I passed the 2nd lesson too. Yay. BRB

Oh my gawd. Khan Academy has all of the Math topics on there that I could ever hope to learn, all the way back from pre-3rd-grade Math. I missed Geometry which affected me a lot when I tried to take a college Hydrogeology course. I could go back and take Geometry for free. BRB Okay, been asleep for a while (I’m telling you, I’ve been exhausted lately). Was going to leave early but did get one single call, right before I was going to leave, from one of my bosses who had a question. So it’s good that I was there. Never got any requests for jobs, never saw anybody, nothing. Same as yesterday. What a weird two days. Well, rest assured, the quieter it is now, the more completely insanely busy it’s going to get once everyone’s got their data and the reports are coming due. Well, time to go.

Executive Function

Brain Fog

Brain Fog

This is one of the most important topics I’ll post about on this blog (hence why it is permanently “stickied” to the top of my blog). I don’t expect to do much on it tonight. It’s too important to me and too overwhelming. *cut for sheer length* Continue reading

Reblogged: ADHD explained for the non-medical person

I did not know ADD had become “Inattentive ADHD”. If you’d like a list that describes me 100%, read below. Or above. Or wherever the reblog shows up. Reblogging from 800recoveryhubblog.

800 Recovery Hub Blog

Have you ever heard someone say “that child does not have ADHD, he just has bad parents” or “that person does not have ADHD, they are just unorganized”. Wake up to modern medicine people, because nearly every mainstream medical, psychological, and educational organization in the United States long ago concluded that Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a real, brain-based medical disorder. In fact  ADHD is one of the most common brain function disorders, that affects emotion, learning, and memory. Recent data indicates that up to 8-10% of school age children “pass the test” for having ADHD.

Terms Glossary Click here for 10 things not to say to someone with ADHD

There are Three Types of ADHD

  1. Inattentive – the person shows a lack of focus in many areas but does not have problems with impulsivity or hyperactivity.  This used to be called ADD.
  2. Hyperactivity – the person doesn’t have a problem focusing, but has issues with

View original post 512 more words

Just a journal post (Journal#029)



This is just going to be a journal post because I feel like writing down some of what’s taken place the last couple of days.

So, tomorrow is Sunday. Two days ago, I did not go into work. I did not intend to stay home. It just happened. My Taskrabbit told me that one of the train stations I use was closed down. In my groggy head, I decided I should best see if any of my coworkers were going to go in, and to let them know if I wasn’t. But I don’t have any of their phone numbers. And I couldn’t remember how to access my work email from home. So I sent out a text to the guy who trained me, because he remembers things like how to log into the email and stuff. So while I was waiting for him to write me back, I fell back asleep.

And I did not wake up again until 1:30p. I went upstairs and was a wee bit talked to about my irresponsible behavior. (Everyone means well when they give me these talks – sometimes they are meant to motivate and encourage me to strive for more; they just don’t realize I’ve been hearing variations of them my WHOLE LIFE. I KNOW I have irresponsible-type behaviors at times. I’ve been so desperate because of them, I thought the only way I could live was to be on disability [I had an appointment and got the paperwork, but only made it through the first page because it was all so complicated and overwhelming]). Thing is, and I know this is irritating and pathetic, but there are certain things about myself that I feel so hopeless about, it’s akin to just wanting to literally die.

My brain can do the lame-o snowball thing in a heartbeat: I was irresponsible today and “blew off” work. There’s “no excuse” = I’m a bad employee = I’m a bad person = I screwed up {yet again} = I am a screw up = why do I burden people with my existence, etc. Heartbeat quick.

So yeah, that was a kind of a shit morning. If you remember, the night before was the night I fucked up with Facebook and let myself indulge in too much sugar that night. SOOO I fucked up the morning / work, I was feeling like a zombie because of the sugar overload the night before… Perfect stage for my cousin & her boyfriend’s arrival that evening!!!

I’m not going to talk about the rest of the visit. I think it went okay. I hope so. I know I had trouble faking smiles sometimes, because I’m still fairly depressed, but I was so glad they were here and I really hope they had an okay time too. I know she has some major health issues and frankly she couldn’t always fake a smile during the visit, either. There were times when she was either in extreme pain or was extremely anxious. I couldn’t tell which. It could have been either or both.

That reminds me, here’s some bellyaching for you. So tonight he says to me, “SHE has real problems. You don’t have a problem, it was easily solvable by [getting divorced].” Nothing like having my own fucked up head be compared with a loved one who is suffering a lot of physical pain and some emotional pain besides. Note to self: Just fucking pretend around him from now on. Don’t reveal any inner thoughts and don’t let on when you’re down.

Maybe it’s time for another fresh start. I think my job is getting me DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN. It’s horrible and I don’t want to ever go back. The job is falling to pieces internally and I just don’t want to be anywhere near it. And I have one day left to apply for the health insurance. Just thinking about it is making me cry, literally. I really want to apply. I hope tomorrow will not be too late. It’ll be my only goal for tomorrow.

I feel like, one of my biggest problems is probably that when I’m down, I can’t recall what it was like prior to that, and it feels like it’ll stay for weeks or months. It just occurred to me, because I’m fairly down, that I feel like I’m an annoying fuck who’s always down and bringing everyone else down and on & on & on. It’s like, once I’m up again, things will seem so much … see so much farther into the distance / being able to see the sun, far away. / this is immediate, intense and overwhelming. But next week could bring back a stable feeling, more cheerful and bright and hopeful and there could be some possibilities. Maybe there will be just one thing in the world that I look forward to again.

I started looking up new jobs today, but didn’t see much. I’m more interested in trying classes again anyway, but I told that to my brother and he said I was putting the cart before the horse again. That I have to have a stable job and then just do a class at night or whatever. I can’t juggle multiple things like that, but maybe a halftime job, halftime student thing would work. I just … Dunno. I’m off.

(WP deleted my spacings again/tried to recreate 😛 )

(Part of) Why I’m Blogging (Topic#036)

Autumn Leaf

Autumn Leaf

So a big part of the reason that I’m blogging now is to set down some of my stories in a fairly permanent way. It matters to me because I forget things in a way that’s hard to describe.

The worst time was when I went away to college in the first place. I arrived across the country, ready for college. Within the first two weeks, something was noticeable that was unlike the other freshmen there. I couldn’t remember my past. I could remember big things like my parents. But I couldn’t remember middle or high school times. People would ask each other questions about different experiences from school and friends and what not, and I was drawing a complete blank. I   literally couldn’t remember. It wasn’t just like it was fuzzy and vague — it was literally not there. I couldn’t remember who I’d been before in a pretty big way.

On the plus side, that meant I got to start over on some things. Like I was NOT shy there. I did make lots of friends. I was constantly, CONSTANTLY active (I joined nearly every club I could; I had NO FREE TIME from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed). I gained 15% of my high school body weight. I had a huge appetite and ate things I would never have touched before.

I was excited, I was gregarious, I had motivation. I had little memory of a time before I arrived there.

Some things remained constant. I was still tardy a lot. And I was still always the last to leave a classroom. And I still had trouble finishing my projects by the end of the given time period. But I was very different.

So yeah, I am somewhat obsessive about knowing a full story. And if that ever happens again, I want to have a way to remember. I don’t care if I never revisit this again; at least it will be here. Something stable and solid in the Universe.

I’m scared shitless of it happening again. When I travel, it is only to visit relatives. Known quantities where the chance of my ‘losing myself’ is much more slim. Preferably my parents would be with me as well. I’m here at the moment and my parents are not. I could certainly, and I know I am changing somewhat. But so long as I don’t forget everything again, and I think blogging some things here has helped me to stay grounded somewhat. I just hope it won’t prevent me from growing, too. It’s probably a double-edged sword. [I don’t feel like going back through and making that somewhat grammatically correct.]

So those are my “Topic” posts, mostly. That’s mostly me trying to document a story I don’t want to lose again. The “Journal” posts are mainly just how I’m doing and carrying on in the meanwhile, while I get all the other stuff down ever-so-slowly.

Pondering Education (Journal#024)

Here’s a list of all the college-level courses I’ve passed to date. Some of these don’t transfer well because they are from two different schools. I did not include any that I did not pass. 🙂 I’m just pondering, if I did go back to school, what would I major in? (The first time around, I was on course to be an Art major.)

*This list should now be complete*

AGRI A138 Organic Gardening 1
ART A100 Painting for Everyone Audit
ART 103 Drawing I 4
ART 104 Design 4
ART 202 Ceramics I 4
ART A209 Beg. Metalsmith & Jewelry 3
ART A213 Beginning Painting 3
ART A224 Beginning Photography 3
ART 259 19th Century Art 4
ASL A121 American Sign Language I 3
BIOL A102/3 Introductory Biology + Lab 3+1
CIOS A105 Intro PC Computer Applications 3
CIOS A140A Databases I: MS Access 1
CSC 140 Founds Comp Sci (JavaScript) 4
CIOS A153 Website Design: Dreamweaver 3
COMM A111 Fundamentals of Oral Comm. 3
COUN A107 Managing Stress 1
DN A203 Normal Nutrition 3
DNCE A151 Beg. Tap Dance I 1
EDSE A591 ST: Strat to Sup Std w/Aut-Asp 1
ENGL A111 Methods of Written Comm. 3
ENGL A212 Technical Writing 3
ENG 213 Writing Fiction I 4
GEO 111 Physical Geology 4
GEO 332 Hydrogeology 4
HIST A341 History of Alaska 3
JPN 101 Beginning Japanese I 4
LAT 101 Beginning Latin I 4
MAT 112 Functions (Pre-Calc) 4
MUS A1 (FAA 716) Concert Band 1
MUS A1 (FAA 761) Piano 1
MUS A102 Concert Chorus I 2
MUS A103 College Community Band 2
MUS A121 Music Appreciation 3
PE A130 Beginning Yoga 1
PHAR A101 Introduction to Pharmacy 3
PHAR A105 Pharmacology for Tech I 3
PHI 224 Environmental Ethics 4
PHY 101 Intro Physics I 4
PHY 221 Astronomy 4
PSY A112 Anger Management 1
PSY A112 Assertiveness Training 1
PSY A112 Defeating Depression 1
PSY A112 Enhancing Self Esteem 1
PSY A112 Rational Living 1
PSY A150 Lifespan Development 3
PSY 161 General Psychology 4
PSY 278 Adolescence 4
PSY A345 Abnormal Psychology 3
RH A103 Tech Math Refrig&Heat I (Algebra) 3
VETT A101 Intro to Veterinary Profession 1
VETT A123 Handling & Behavior: Large Animal 2
VETT A125 Intro to Large Animals 3
WST 258 Topic: Feminism in Fairy Tales 4

Can you tell, I freaking LOVE to learn. I’d be a student forever if only there was no such thing as a grading system. Note, I did not put my grades. 🙂 I am a TERRIBLE student. When I pass a course, it’s by the skin of my teeth and only because I had some kind of support along the way, like when other students used to let me read textbooks out loud to them while they were doing their own studying!!! I’m tagging PTSD and some negative things for this post because just looking at my transcript from my one school (where I had my first mental breakdown) was very stressful. Life is weird.