Depression

SquirrelHi all,
I’m having some trouble with depression. I don’t know when it started. It’s possible it started an hour ago. Or maybe a month ago. Or maybe years ago.

I’ve been anxious. That seems pretty irrelevant and I don’t want to talk about it, but it’s probably pretty important. Especially since it contributed to some sleepless nights.

I wish I could share the reason for my anxiety on here but I can’t because this is public.

I had an emergency session with my psychiatrist. She gave me some interesting suggestions for how to deal with my OCD next week. She gave me a very expert place to go when I return, but that won’t be in time.

I “should” be so happy. If I had six months before this trip, it could be nothing but bliss. But I’m traveling on very short notice and the tasks will be difficult. And I’m very afraid of something I cannot tell you.

I have a pretty bad yeast infection. I didn’t see a doctor, but I know. It’s causing a lot of pain.

My bf and I didn’t get along tonight and it wasn’t even my fault this time. Usually it’s me being crabby but this time it was him. I left the room quickly because I hadn’t come to argue. I was excited about sharing with him how I’d fixed the doorknobs today. I don’t know what went wrong, but it makes it kind of hard to breathe. Kind of bleak and gray and hopeless.

It’s entirely possible he and I aren’t a good match and won’t last much longer. But I want to get my shit together before I were to try and start a new life again. Then there are days when it seems like things are smooth here. Who knows. I can only say, “I need help” so many times before the phrase becomes pointless.

Anyway, I don’t have the money. School is going smoothly but I need a job. My money goes faster than I had projected.

I will be so happy once I’m there. I am supposed to spend an hour a day imagining getting rid of my belongings and feeling calm. I need to go.

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A Brief Update (and a single picture, for now)

imageI couldn’t let you know ahead of time but I went Home (my parents and dog) recently. I’m back home (bf, school) now but I made it and it was wonderful. I can’t say much tonight; I’m going to go to bed very shortly.

There was much skiing and walking and such. I mean much. Every day.

So now that I’m back, I don’t want to lose that momentum. So I went to the bike shop after school yesterday and got my bike all fixed up (there were some things wrong). I also bought yet another lock. Two, actually. One is just to hold my seat on. The other is a fricking expensive but light-weight u-lock for my frame. City living…

So I biked to school today. That was pretty rough. I had to walk two hills on the return trip. It was a total of 9 miles and not flat enough for me. And my anti-persperant definitely couldn’t hold up… Plus I had jogging class. Apologies to the folks who sat near me at the tutoring center today.

It’s hard to be away from my parents and my dog. It’s interesting what kinds of things I have such strong emotional attachments to and what I can now part with. I parted with some more clothing. Even a black sweatshirt I had held onto for maybe close to two decades even though it had shrunk and was too small for me. But for many years, it held sand from an old Hawaii trip in its pockets, even after numerous washes. It was very sentimental for me. But I was able to part with it.

Then there were things in my childhood bedroom that had been rearranged and I was actually able to rearrange certain things, too. That’s pretty big for me. Certain shelves had to be kept in a certain arrangement or else I would experience intense anxiety due to OCD. It would feel that my luck would change and I would get terminally ill or those I loved could get terminally ill or injured. But it was not so bad this time around.

That is not to say I was able to part with all sorts of things. There is still so much I’m hanging onto and I wish I could let them go. But I won’t despair; it seems that things have been getting a little easier each time. So perhaps next time I am there, I can part with a few more things. And so on.

Anyway, I really need to go to sleep. One thing I did not get a lot of was good-quality sleep. For one thing, I was sometimes very sore and didn’t take pain medicine and thus didn’t sleep well. For another, there was a headboard I wasn’t used to and kept bonking my head into it.

Oh, but being with my parents and dog was WONDERFUL WONDERFUL WONDERFUL. There is so much I could say and tell about.

OCD: Contamination: RED ALERT!!!!!

Red Alert!

Red Alert!

Red Alert!!!! All hands to battle stations!!! Haaaaaaaalp!!!!!

My bf didn’t wash his hands after he used the toilet. Haaaaaaaalp!!!!!

Evasive maneuvers! Prepare to evacuate the ship!!!

—-

I knew I’d learn dirt on him eventually, but did it have to be something so drastically awful?! How does one live with this, if they live with this?

My ex wouldn’t wash after peeing. I talked with him about it. So he started to wash after peeing… so long as he thought I was watching. Haha, yeah. It grossed me out. I’d make him wash before he could touch me sometimes. But if that experience is Truth for all humans, then I cannot expect current bf to change assumedly lifelong habits. I live with it or I don’t.

OCD contamination: You know that as soon as the infatuation stage wears off for me, Every. Single. Touchable. Spot. in his apartment will feel Contaminated to me. Everything. I’m still quite convinced he got raw chicken juice on the dish towel last night, so I’m avoiding it until it gets washed.

But I’m still in the infatuation stage of this relationship and I really, really like him. So I just don’t want to care about such things.

I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER

Scaup

Scaup

This is all for “Joe” who encouraged me to finish the conversation we’d started like a week or two ago, but I’d stopped due to a shutdown back then.

I was in a complete funk all morning today. Part of it was the cold I’ve had since mid-last week. Part of it was having gotten maybe an hour of sleep last night due to extreme insomnia. Part of it was hiking for six hours yesterday. Part of it was an emotional crash after yesterday. Part of it has been my confusion regarding relationships.

But now everything is in the air. Or cleared from the air. However that goes. The air is clear. Thank god.

As you guys can tell from my recent poems, my brain had gotten hooked on the guy I’ve ill-labeled “shy guy” (really need a different fake name). Like seriously fucking hooked. My poems are all part of my attempts to break it.

I’m going into the following because of the trigger and still wanting to process it more:

So I’m going to see if I can get things back in balance. Because with me, obsessive thinking is just not damn healthy. And I was not sharing it on here and I was not sharing it with “Joe”, because I was so afraid of hurting his feelings. Because “Joe” and I had been dating (non-exclusively). I also went on some dates with non-“Shy Guy” (who also dates non-exclusively right now). One day, I ended up having non-“Shy Guy” stay over (not planned), but it broke my typical communication routine with “Joe”. He had a bit of an anxiety attack that evening/night. I read some of his texts in the way I would have read my ex’s at a certain point and my anxiety sky-rocketed.

It may have delayed our next-day plans, too. So I went over and we tried to talk about things but I shut down. He happened to ask a question (or a few) that were identical to ones I have heard before, from my ex, during a bad scenario. So it was exactly, for me, as if I was back, having done such an incredibly bad thing, such an intense situation, so many questions that could never end because he could never be satisfied, obviously; how could he be, in that scenario? And not allowed to leave for the threat of suicide, and the concussion he gave himself as he did allow me to clear the doorway and stand outside looking in, unable to breathe in there any more. Then later came the stalking, gun-purchasing, death-threats, property destruction, more suicide threats, etc. Life’s a bitch. For everyone involved. The pain I caused. The pain you caused. The pain he caused. Life’s a bitch.

In real life, “Joe” and I are fine now. ❤ Everything’s in the open and the scenario is nothing like the one with my ex. It was just triggered for me because of a few similarities but was actually completely different.

I feel so much better and also less obsessive about non-“Shy Guy”. Maybe it was made worse by not having anybody to talk with about it. I feel way more balanced and grounded right now.

The emotional crash I was referring to is that I had gone on another hike with non-“Shy Guy” and some of his friends yesterday. I was not going to miss it even though I was/am sick. It was a six-hour hike and I saw salamanders and large banana slugs and other neat things. We all went to dinner as a group after we made it back to the main city (lots of driving). Dinner was at 9 or 10, I’m thinking. (My god I have blown my budget this month. 😥 ) I am not allowed, by my relatives, to take public transportation once it is so late, so I stayed the night with non-“Shy Guy”. I really like it, but I couldn’t sleep. I had terrible insomnia. I probably should have taken pain medicine, but a lot of it is my restless leg syndrome. It’s very hard for me to get comfortable and stay put. Every night, I spin, virtually always clockwise if you are looking at the top of my head. My legs can stay in a position for a short while, but then I **HAVE** to move.

Anyway. I got side tracked. I was trying to describe an intense scenario I get too wrapped up in – the pressure of fitting in with others, the pressure of saying appropriate things at appropriate times, the pressure of not going too long in silence because I didn’t want to be the one they all talk about later as, “Well SHE’S boring. No personality at all.” (Maybe I just know too many rude people, but that really does happen!) So PRESSURE PRESSURE PRESSURE and that alone creates an extremely emotionally intense scenario for me. Then there are other social considerations for staying the night with someone you really like but don’t actually know that well yet. And then the not sleeping but trying desperately to hold somewhat still so as to let the other person sleep. Impossible. Then the morning, and trying to help cook the eggs while he does the bacon and rushing a bit because he is meeting more people for another hike, and has invited me and “Joe” but I declined, and damn good thing considering how sore I am today. In the end, the food was great but I accidently left mine behind on the counter, as well as my leftovers from last night and also a bag of gf chips I hadn’t opened yet but my uncle had suggested I bring for the hike (in the end, we all brought so much food, it was unnecessary).

Anyway, then there is the sudden aloneness and travel back home, and it’s a huge emotional crash. Like so much intensity and a whole ‘nother world and exploration and social trials, and I change then.

That was a line I omitted from one of the poems. /I try to understand you./ I try and …/ I didn’t finish that line. The ending is, I try, and I become you. That’s what happens. I can’t understand another person without becoming them. That’s what the rest of that poem was about — all of my old dreams shoved aside and broken, because I’ve started to morph into something/someone else. I hate that.

Whatever happens, happens. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Work is killing me with stress again. I do NOT WANT to go to work tomorrow. Some really stressful things are happening technology-wise there. I won’t go into it.

The growth is back on my tongue today. I see my tongue every day because I am supposed to use a tongue scraper on it every day. Today, it’s back. I am telling myself that it’s the mucus from my head cold, and the snorkeling of mucus I’m doing to clear out my sinuses and such, that has irritated it and caused this to return. I hope it goes away. It’s physically uncomfortable.

So yeah. That’s my head as of now. Kind of fucked up. I wonder if I’m capable of having a topic in my head that ISN’T obsessive? And if this is how I will always be, will I learn how to deal with them (obsessive-only topics) in a healthier way? For now?–Oh, well. I’m too tired to worry about the future. Tomorrow, I will work. Then, I will talk with “Joe” and I MUST do some vacuuming. I need to catch up on this month’s budget, too.

OCD: Mental Contamination and Associations to People/Places/Things (Topic#050)

I didn’t have a clue what to call this one. After doing the barest amount of surfing online, I’ve decided to call it half mental contamination but also half something I made up – associations to people/places/things. It seems similar yet different from the things I’m reading about mental contamination. Maybe you guys will know a better phrase for it.

Wow, it is hard to form my thoughts for this one, because I can’t decide where to begin.

I’m going to use words like “pure” and “unpure” and “tainted”. There

are only two parts of my life for this: Pre-College and Post-College.

Pre-College: From the first day I can remember, I felt “pure” in an indescribable way. I just felt right. Pure. Clean. I was not raised to religion but the Natural world was my church and prayer was daily and there were many things I could do to feel cleansed, much like some religions bathing away sins in holy water, etc. It’s strange to admit this to anyone, and I’m still omitting specifics, but it’s true. I had my own rituals and my own beliefs and I felt special somehow, and important somehow, and clean and like I had a purpose to be here on this planet. I never questioned this and in some ways, I knew EXACTLY who I was. There was something special inside of me.

Post-College: Like I described in my previous post, I returned from my second year of college feeling 100% tainted and no longer supposed to be on this planet. I felt that God[] wanted me dead, that my purpose was done (whether complete or not) and that anyone I came into contact with, physically or mentally, was getting

Post-College Self-Portrait

Post-College Self-Portrait

contaminated by me too. I felt an urgency to be gone from the world (and was extremely suicidal at this point). I was contaminated inside, afraid to pray for others for fear of contaminating them, and afraid to spread this darkness to others.

I was dissociating all the time for up to two years. The first thing that broke through for me was a stuffed animal dog puppet that I’d had as a child. Literally nothing else broke through to me. Nothing. No person, no thing, nothing else. Just this stuffed animal dog puppet. (I think I’ve discussed this separately in a dissociations post somewhere.) I began to connect with the outer world again by having the dog puppet see things and sort of relay them back to me. It’s like, I could see things only through the safety of the dog puppet’s eyes. So I took him everywhere with me (I also carried a plastic bag and toilet paper everywhere with me, because I was having so much trouble with diarrhea, but that’s a different story).

Anyhoo, so the dog puppet. After the dog puppet, came certain people. Only people I had known from childhood. And later, HERE’S WHAT I FOUND MOST INTERESTING, a certain counselor I saw for less than a year. I had an extremely strong positive association to one particular woman from my childhood. THAT woman highly recommended me this one counselor’s name. And THAT COUNSELOR felt okay to me.

So I learned that I could form a positive association via other associations. Does that make sense? A very, very positively(pure)-associated person from my past actually let a stranger feel pure for me as well.

Armed with this knowledge, I used this process to make sure I “connected” with my dog when I got him. I actually arranged a very convoluted trip for the poor puppy to meet me elsewhere in the country when I was on a vacation. He then traveled with me to another location. He even met my maternal grandma at her old home. Altogether, he met at LEAST 5 of my beloved relatives, not including my own parents. I can’t remember if he also met any of my cousins on that journey.

I connected with him 100%. He is pure in every way and has always been the best decision I ever made. He is 100% pure and nothing I can do, think or say can alter that, because he just is. I cannot taint him.

That’s it. I have connected 100% to nobody and nothing since then. Not even my pony, although I connected with her a little bit, during the time my mom used to come out and visit with me and her. But I lost most of my connection with my pony during marriage.

So here I am today. Dissociating? Very rarely. Pure-feeling? Not a chance. But not as tainted-feeling as I was back when it started. I connect fully to nobody I meet. I’m actually losing the feeling of connection to people I know from my past now, like my aunt and uncle, I guess because I’m learning them in a new way now than when I was a child, and the new versions are not associated with me as a child? I know what I’m trying to say, but explaining it in words is a big challenge. Well, hopefully this has explained it at least a little bit.

OCD: Intrusive Thoughts: Harm (Topic#049)

Sand and water

Sand and water

Reason for today’s topic: Within the week, I experienced this quite strongly which reminded me to post about it.

Quick explanation of Harm OCD: (This is how I explained it to a friend earlier): “It’s like, intrusive thoughts you can’t control that cause you much anxiety, and are centered around you somehow causing harm to self or others. But are thoughts opposite of your true nature, which is why they cause so much anxiety.”

Some personal stories:

  • The very first Harm OCD thoughts I remember having were around my middle school years. That’s when I would pick up one of our metal clothes hangers, to hang up a shirt, and would be overwhelmed with images of me bringing the hanger up to my eyes and stabbing them out. I literally couldn’t pick up a hanger without this happening for a while. I had my dad install shelves into my closet instead, although I didn’t mention this as a reason. The only way I knew to get the images to go away back then was to set the hanger back down and breathe and try again later.
  • I’ve had many, many, many of these while driving.
    • I can be driving along totally calmly and cheerfully and suddenly be envisioning myself driving straight at the oncoming traffic. And I had no idea what was stopping me from doing it, if anything. What could possibly hold me back? Every car I successfully passed without driving into, did not reassure me or calm me. It was still a possibility at any second. I would be extremely anxious. What stops my arms from turning the wheel suddenly? I don’t know.
    • Often, I picture that I am going to turn the wheel when going over a bridge or any high point. (Remember, this is very different from being suicidal. It’s kind of the opposite; it’s being afraid of such things.)
  • The thought I had this week was for my beloved dog. At least two years ago, I was shaving some of his mats and hair with an electric razor, which I’ve used for a decade and had gotten comfortable using. Only I somehow managed to get too close to the edge of his ear and it cut him! He yelped, I screamed and cried. Shaking, I did make myself finish so he wouldn’t become afraid of the razor and I wouldn’t either, just much farther away from any possible skin. But that moment sure has stuck with me. In my head, I can loop just the image of cutting him with a razor, over and over again, and the anxiety is like, somehow having the mental image of it in my mind will hurt him. I list this here in Harm OCD because although that was an accident, I have many times had a flash of intentionally injuring an animal in such a way. It’s not the desire to do it, or the impulse, or anything like that. It’s like my mind laughing at me: “Here is your worst nightmare! Ha ha ha ha ha! That’s right, picture yourself intentionally driving this razor into your dog.” It brings up so much anxiety and guilt. When it comes up, I just have to try to distract myself with other things.
  • If such thoughts come up while I am using a razor or scissors to trim up an animal, of course I set the object down and breathe and try to pull up a different topic in my head.
  • In the same exact way, I have, before, worried I would harm another person while I was holding scissors. But it is rare.
  • I get terrible anxiety now if I’m on a plane or someone I love is on a plane. My thoughts, for the briefest of instances, can picture the plane crashing. Of course my heart pounds and I feel horror etc, and I have to think of other thoughts quickly. There is a part of me that feels my thoughts could cause it to happen.
    • The image of it crashing = could cause it to crash
    • If I notice my arms or legs are crossed = could cause it to crash
    • Doing certain activities = could cause it to crash
    • Thinking certain other thoughts = could cause it to crash (especially any religious-type thought, which has to be undone with the opposite thought)
  • I’ve already mentioned one I get around railings and such — that I will climb over them and jump to my death, so I often stay quite far back.
  • I’m glad that I have not yet had the image to jump out as the train approaches, although I often worry that I will get pushed, so I will step back any time I have those thoughts.
  • I don’t know if this counts in this category or not, but at the end of, and right after I returned from, my second year of college (“the first mental breakdown”, as I call it on here), I felt that I had been tainted. I felt that God[] wanted me dead and I wasn’t supposed to be alive any more. I felt that if anyone came near me, I was contaminating them with the darkness. I could not let myself pray for others, or that would taint them. Everything I touched felt tainted by me. (Of course, I had become tainted by the girl I was caretaking, who already knew she was beyond hope herself. [I wonder if the cross she carved into her arm helped her feel less tainted?] It came to me much more slowly and gradually, but by the end, especially after she ‘died’, I was having panic attacks on campus. Everything around me felt dark and tainted and the trees even felt like they hated me and wanted me dead. I couldn’t breathe. So yeah, after I did make it away from there and back Home, I remained “tainted”-feeling for a very long time. I actually still feel somewhat tainted to this day.

And that leads me straight to a new post on a topic I’ve been wanting to write about for a long time! Associations.

Disclaimer: I don’t really experience Harm OCD stuffs very often.