Major insomnia

I can’t sleep. I’m too anxious. I’m upset, I’m stressed, I’m disappointed. And I’m sick with a head cold. So I really need to be asleep.

I’m obsessing. I need to let things go. I doubt anyone reads these anymore. I am still not back to it as my obsessive interest, so I haven’t spent time on other people’s blogs (which is not to say I’m disinterested in the people I used to follow; I would like to still know what is up for you, but I cannot read).

I cannot click the links. I cannot spend time. I cannot change my mind from a certain topic; I’m obsessed. I’ve been obsessed for a while but I didn’t mind before; it had healthy benefits before (it still does). But now the unhealthy, life-disrupting aspects are negatively impacting me extremely enough that I can’t stand it. I have to either quit or seriously draw back from it. Restrict my time “for real”. I could uninstall the app.

What would my day be like tomorrow with the app uninstalled? I would wake up (hopefully on the later side, since I’m sick and still awake). I would eat breakfast more calmly (yes, EVEN THOUGH I haven’t caught a shiny flower-headband eevee that was only available for two days and disappears tomorrow afternoon and won’t return for at least a year).

Where was I? Oh yes, I would eat a way calmer breakfast. Then, I will put away the clean dishes and pick up my stuff from around the house (especially everything I have strewn around in the bathroom). Then, I would finish the photo book that is due tomorrow.

Wow, and then it would be time to start on chapter two of my class. It’s strange. My semester doesn’t begin until Friday, yet I have felt like an utter and complete slack-off failure for the past week, since I finished my previous class early.

That’s because I’m unemployed, and I know perfectly damn well that I’m not behaving like a full-time student. I’m behaving like a slack-off no-good leach of … whatever. You get my point. The pressure is there to be productive and make progress. I already took a vacation the week before (for real, I went on a vacation).

I have needed to write here. I already feel about a thousand times better than at any recent point. But there is something about clicking on links that I dislike. Going to website, reading, doing. I don’t know how to explain it. I hate doing almost anything over the Internet. I only read this one chat site (about the game, of course), and watch YouTube videos. Oh, and read my online textbooks. But I hate visiting other websites. I hate trying to figure out where to click, what things mean, how to navigate different sites, etc. I’d much rather take care of business over the telephone. Which is weird, since I hate talking on the phone. But I do most things over the phone, even if there’s a website that would probably take much less time (but it would take so much more brain power and I’d get confused and frustrated and have to read tiny print and find the right buttons to click and all that). Yuck.

I feel different about all of that than I used to. When I was in high school and the first years of college, I felt pretty damn pro at navigating the Internet. EVERYTHING was better online. Now I’ll avoid it whenever I can. It’s just too MUCH.

But then, I used to be really organized with my emails and stuff. Now, conversely, I remain with thousands of unread emails and I only check email every couple of weeks. I used to check a couple of times an hour! Well, it used to match with my obsessiveness and now it doesn’t. All emails used to have a nice little folder I could organize them into and now they don’t. I don’t know if life changed or if it’s mostly been my brain that’s changed.

But thank heavens for this space. I don’t come here often. In large part, there is my fear over how transparent I’ve been. If certainly people read this blog, they would know me instantly. I haven’t been subtle and have shared a lot that I probably shouldn’t have.

I could start a fresh blog again, elsewhere, but I suspect that the same thing would happen. So I don’t really know what I’m doing with this blog. It’s been too revealing, and gives me an opportunity to reveal too much in the future. But it sure helps me a ton in the present.

Anyway, so I have two choices for tomorrow.

  1. I could wake up and be completely obsessive and try as hard as fucking possible for that shiny flower crown eevee. I could forgive myself for taking my last day off before my new semester begins the following day. I could run lures and incense while putting away the dishes and picking up my stuff and eating breakfast. And then, I could go out into the world of obsession and really go all out, finding all of the lured hotspots and going nuts until the event ends in the afternoon.
  2. Or, as I said somewhere in the above paragraphs, I could uninstall the app. I could breathe deeply and calmly. I could eat a peaceful, simple, non-multi-tasked breakfast. I could put away the dishes, pick up my stuff, and still feel calm. I could start reading chapter two (I’m getting a small head start on the next semester).

There’s nothing inbetween. Can you imagine an inbetween? I can’t. I don’t know what that would look like. Get up, eat breakfast, put away dishes, pick up my stuff, all without the app running? But it wouldn’t be calm. It would be anxious and neurotic. I would feel anxiety the entire time, fearing that I was missing out on my last chances of finding that damn, impossible creature.

Then there’s this other aspect of the game that’s stressing me out but I don’t think it’s something that I can share here, since it’s revealing. I wish that I could write about it but I won’t.

It’s interesting. When I’m at my parents’ house, much of the app seems far away. There are still certain things I’m obsessed about, but many things I just let fall away. But when I’m here, I have to try or … or what? Who cares? What difference will it make? One day, this whole thing will be obsolete and none of what I’ve collected will still be with me. None of it. But hopefully the friendships and contacts will somehow remain. I don’t know how many of them could, but I hope they do. New goal: No shinies during events.

Wow. This has been a real relief. I’m going to go pee again, blow my nose, and then attempt sleep.

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OCD Run Wild

I woke up this morning with a major flare up of my OCD. I was in bad shape. My thought loop couldn’t be broken and it was about my old obsession, which I have written about here once, somewhere. (Not that the post does it justice.)

Probable Causes for the Current Worsening:

  1. I’ve been a little under the weather for the past few days. I’ve had symptoms like dissociation, which always freaks me the fuck out, since I used to dissociate 24/7 for a couple of years with no hope of ever recovering (which I mostly did, though).
  2. I have a disc that I would like to access in order to lift off photos of my dog, but it happens to be labeled as containing old emails I wrote to [person of my obsession] and my therapist at the time. I haven’t brought myself to open the disc, yet, although I desperately want those dog photos.
  3. In the past week and a half, I have had a couple of dreams which have become a routine — a few times a year, I get basically the same dream. [Person of my obsession] has, after so many, many years, agreed to meet with me at a public cafe, and have a conversation with me about what happened, so that I can have closure. Sometimes these dreams end up with him agreeing to meet me once every couple of weeks, and always he is disinterested in my company and disappears. But that part isn’t the distressing part. It’s the fact that he’s agreed to meet with me in the first place. It’s so real. There’s so much hope. This happens several times a year (regardless of whether I was on the 20 mg Lexapro or the current 5 mg).
  4. Because of feeling under the weather, my boyfriend and I had a conversation that went badly and I felt untrusting toward him. Whenever I lose trust in a person I’m supposed to be close with, I remember [person of my obsession]. Because I trusted him completely, 100%, as I have not done since then toward any human. Any. Human. And frankly, will probably never do again.

Anyway. I let myself give in to my obsession this morning. I opened up Facebook, which I don’t use anymore. But I did. I contacted one of his best friends. I said, basically, that I am having a really hard time with my OCD right now but it looks like it’s been 7 years since I’ve written to you so that’s pretty good.” He doesn’t know the story, he doesn’t know what’s bothering me, he doesn’t know why I wrote to him 7 years ago, either. Thank god I have a buffer, but it’s still bad that I broke down that way this morning. He was kind in his response. It’s a person I’ve known since elementary school yet we don’t keep in touch (and I’m not sure this is considered keeping in touch, either).

Weaning off Lexapro: Days 87, 88

Deep blue sky, white, distinct clouds, green leafed tree

Stark contrast

Meds:

  • 5mg Lexapro, normal thyroid meds
  • Multivite, swallowable
  • Exercise: Walking, tiny bit of jogging
  • SLEEPING SCHEDULE OFF
  • EATING SCHEDULE OFF

Symptoms:

  • IRRITABILITY
  • PERSEVERATING LIKE MAD
  • YEARNING / ANGST
  • HOMESICK
  • Blood sugar off kilter

Journal Items:

  1. The most important issue is the sleep schedule. My bf had to stay up past 2 a.m. a few nights ago in order to finish some time-important work. I was up past midnight before I finally fell asleep. That really messed me up. Now I’m sleeping in late and going to bed late.
  2. Food. Missing meals, not eating fruits and veggies. Blood sugar thrown so far off that I had to drink a diabetic shake at midnight last night to stop the shaking that had started.
  3. I’m sad. I want to cry. I’m hurt. (Update: The feeling is separate from the following paragraph. The following paragraph is 1 thing I’m allowing to fall into the hurt category, my feeling hurt is its own thing, without a cause. It’s chemicals flooding my body and finding whatever they can to feel hurt about. I type only one example below):
    1. (I’m hurt about what some other Pokémon Go players are saying about people who ask for help to get kicked out of a gym in order to get their coins. They call people like me selfish and entitled. I find it hurtful and I don’t want to play anymore. I’m going to cheat the rules now and start a new account so I can take my own damn self out of the gyms w/o asking for help, since that is so publically judged.)
  4. I’m perseverating on things. A LOT. It’s hard to break the mind loops. OCD intrusive thoughts are strong right now.
  5. Schoolwork is going slowly. So slowly. I’m set up with a tutor now, and also an Instructor. But that won’t be for several days. In the meantime, I just have to try and keep plodding through it.
  6. My dreams at night are nice. I am back with my horse. I’m doing training. I’m with my parents and my dog. I wake up and it’s all gone. My horse is sold and I don’t know if I’ll ever have another horse. My parents are far away and plane tickets are very expensive. My dog is so, so far away. He’s about 14 years old. Okay, now I’m crying.
  7. This is not an easy phase of medication withdrawal. I don’t like it. I’m going to hang out at this dose for at least a month. I don’t care how long it takes. I won’t go down any more until I stabilize. It scares me that there are still 2 more steps down until zero Lexapro, and that final step is said to be the worst of them all.
  8. I feel different today. Like something is going to change. This happens sometimes. It feels empowering and huge and like something major is going to be fixed or my life is going to go into a different direction (Update: I wrote it in passive-tense but that’s not what I mean. I mean it feels like I AM ABOUT TO FORCE A MAJOR CHANGE). Usually, I get very depressed soon after this feeling, which is ironic but. That’s historically what happens.
  9. I am allowing myself to listen to this song on repeat all day today: https://youtu.be/pFptt7Cargc Amen. ❤ ❤ ❤

Depression

SquirrelHi all,
I’m having some trouble with depression. I don’t know when it started. It’s possible it started an hour ago. Or maybe a month ago. Or maybe years ago.

I’ve been anxious. That seems pretty irrelevant and I don’t want to talk about it, but it’s probably pretty important. Especially since it contributed to some sleepless nights.

I wish I could share the reason for my anxiety on here but I can’t because this is public.

I had an emergency session with my psychiatrist. She gave me some interesting suggestions for how to deal with my OCD next week. She gave me a very expert place to go when I return, but that won’t be in time.

I “should” be so happy. If I had six months before this trip, it could be nothing but bliss. But I’m traveling on very short notice and the tasks will be difficult. And I’m very afraid of something I cannot tell you.

I have a pretty bad yeast infection. I didn’t see a doctor, but I know. It’s causing a lot of pain.

My bf and I didn’t get along tonight and it wasn’t even my fault this time. Usually it’s me being crabby but this time it was him. I left the room quickly because I hadn’t come to argue. I was excited about sharing with him how I’d fixed the doorknobs today. I don’t know what went wrong, but it makes it kind of hard to breathe. Kind of bleak and gray and hopeless.

It’s entirely possible he and I aren’t a good match and won’t last much longer. But I want to get my shit together before I were to try and start a new life again. Then there are days when it seems like things are smooth here. Who knows. I can only say, “I need help” so many times before the phrase becomes pointless.

Anyway, I don’t have the money. School is going smoothly but I need a job. My money goes faster than I had projected.

I will be so happy once I’m there. I am supposed to spend an hour a day imagining getting rid of my belongings and feeling calm. I need to go.

A Brief Update (and a single picture, for now)

imageI couldn’t let you know ahead of time but I went Home (my parents and dog) recently. I’m back home (bf, school) now but I made it and it was wonderful. I can’t say much tonight; I’m going to go to bed very shortly.

There was much skiing and walking and such. I mean much. Every day.

So now that I’m back, I don’t want to lose that momentum. So I went to the bike shop after school yesterday and got my bike all fixed up (there were some things wrong). I also bought yet another lock. Two, actually. One is just to hold my seat on. The other is a fricking expensive but light-weight u-lock for my frame. City living…

So I biked to school today. That was pretty rough. I had to walk two hills on the return trip. It was a total of 9 miles and not flat enough for me. And my anti-persperant definitely couldn’t hold up… Plus I had jogging class. Apologies to the folks who sat near me at the tutoring center today.

It’s hard to be away from my parents and my dog. It’s interesting what kinds of things I have such strong emotional attachments to and what I can now part with. I parted with some more clothing. Even a black sweatshirt I had held onto for maybe close to two decades even though it had shrunk and was too small for me. But for many years, it held sand from an old Hawaii trip in its pockets, even after numerous washes. It was very sentimental for me. But I was able to part with it.

Then there were things in my childhood bedroom that had been rearranged and I was actually able to rearrange certain things, too. That’s pretty big for me. Certain shelves had to be kept in a certain arrangement or else I would experience intense anxiety due to OCD. It would feel that my luck would change and I would get terminally ill or those I loved could get terminally ill or injured. But it was not so bad this time around.

That is not to say I was able to part with all sorts of things. There is still so much I’m hanging onto and I wish I could let them go. But I won’t despair; it seems that things have been getting a little easier each time. So perhaps next time I am there, I can part with a few more things. And so on.

Anyway, I really need to go to sleep. One thing I did not get a lot of was good-quality sleep. For one thing, I was sometimes very sore and didn’t take pain medicine and thus didn’t sleep well. For another, there was a headboard I wasn’t used to and kept bonking my head into it.

Oh, but being with my parents and dog was WONDERFUL WONDERFUL WONDERFUL. There is so much I could say and tell about.