- We joked that putting together the wardrobe would be a good test of how we handle frustration or whatever in the relationship. 😉 It went fine, though. Actually, it was fun.
- Food got spilled on my cookbook. Then a cat ate the corner off of it.
- I like school.
- My mom is happy that I’m happy with school and doing well so far.
- My mom just accepted a new job. Her old one was not renewed.
- She has even sent me two ‘care packages’! ❤
- I tested INFP in 10th grade!!! I test ISFP by 12th, ISFJ after college, then back to ISFP, which is where I tend to test nowadays.
- Got hangers for my wardrobe
- SOON to pick up all of my belongings from my uncle’s house and move them to ‘my’ apartment
- Ironically, my biggest anxiety is that my anxiety is going to be what ruins the relationship. Try stopping THAT anxiety!
- My mom’s sending me cute pictures of my dog ❤
- Practiced a little bit of recorder and little bit of piano last night.
- Somewhere in there, I had what may or may not be my last appointment with my therapist. I don’t really know what’s going on in that department yet and haven’t had the time or focus to think about it. But it seemed like a final appointment. I hadn’t been sharing much for the past month or so. I don’t know what happened. I kind of do but kind of not entirely.
This log is for Aug 20 – Sep 11. I’ll be as brief as possible. A LOT has happened but I’m so consumed by school right now, I just haven’t had the chance to write or do anything else at all, really.
Aug 20, R: School. Work. Stayed late, talking with someone from another company in the building. Ate out w/Peter (actually, he picked up food for us and we technically ate it at home) when we both got home; it was very late by then.
Aug 21, F: Work. Peter worked from home in order to be there when the furniture was dropped off. It seems like SO long ago now. SO long ago. That was my wardrobe and our new bed. It all arrived in many boxes. It looks like we ate out for dinner; I must have gotten back late again.
Aug 22, Sat: Put together wardrobe and …? Dinner w/ Peter’s folks, I believe.
Aug 23, Sun: Put together wardrobe and …? Cat sitting still
Aug 24, M: School. Brother in Fiji with his gf. Fell asleep in class inspite of caffeine. Went to get keys for another cat-sitting job; ate out there (it had gotten late again).
Aug 25, T: School. Work, I think. I learned what a percent sign means. You can laugh, but I’m serious.
Aug 26, W: Falling asleep in school again. Math homework and Accounting homework.
Aug 27, R: School. Work. I went home while Peter cat-sat until very late; the cat was too upset to keep food down at first, so Peter had to stay many hours until he was calm enough to eat and play a little.
Aug 28, F: Work. Went to Aunt and Uncle’s house for a while afterward. Then home.
Aug 29 + 30, Sat+Sun: Went on an overnight road trip with Peter, his mom, his sister and her bf. Very fun and many neat beaches! Peter quizzed me on Accounting when we were in the car.
Aug 31, M: My first Accounting test. I got a 90% on it. Termination dust has arrived for my folks, who live so far away from me. I took some really cute selfies of me and one of the cats.
Sep 1, T: School. Worked from home (really only had to do some faxing). Pollen is killing my sinuses.
Sep 2, W: School. Couldn’t stop bugging Peter because he seemed ‘off’ and I couldn’t stop worrying. He had a virus or something. I kept trying to figure out how it was my fault that he wasn’t feeling well. It’s a sickness in me. I need to get that under control!!! Stayed at school until late, doing more homework.
Sep 3, R: School. Peter took the day as a Sick Day. After my classes, I took the train to my workplace but ate at a restaurant before starting work. I had a margarita and work was much better then. Ate dinner out, too. Feel terribly guilty and anxious for eating out so frequently lately, but we’re getting home so late & I’ve been too tired to think of helping cook.
Sep 4, F: Work. Peter had the day off and came with me. He did work and such while I worked. We went to my aunt & uncle’s afterward.
Sep 5+6, Sat+Sun: Saturday…I can’t recall. Sunday, I did more homework with Peter’s help. Then we hurriedly got ingredients and made the dish I’d promised for the BBQ that evening at my aunt & uncle’s house. My aunt and uncle were there, as well as my brother and his gf. It’s kind of stressful. I don’t know how to be around everyone. My uncle is one way, my brother is another way. My aunt is another way. I get confused.
Sep 7, M: Looks like it was a major study day for me.
Sep 8, T: School. My first real Math exam! I got a 100%! I didn’t feel happy or anything upon doing so well. I’m worried that I’m depressed. Then remembered I had an Accounting test the next day, and absolutely panicked. Peter helped me for hours to study for the test and try to remember all of the homeworks I’ve done for it, but I was panicking so much, my mind was a complete blank. I think this is when I decided Peter must be getting really frustrated with me. And started obsessing that all of this study time together would change our relationship dynamic and put him as a tutor and me as a student instead of 2 people in an equal relationship.
Sep 9, W: School. My 2nd Accounting test. I got a 100% but was shaking the whole time. I blame part of that on the cup of coffee that morning — since then, I’m off coffee. Stayed at school late, doing homework. Helped make a simple pasta dinner.
Sep 10, R: School. I finally got caught up in one of my computer classes! FINALLY! I worked from home again, thanks to remote access to my work computer! WHEW. I’m too exhausted to keep doing the back-and-forth between school and work — they are not in the same city. I don’t know how people do it. Anyway, after school, I got AHEAD in my Math homework! Yay! But last night, as we were trying to fall asleep, I started to nit-pick on Peter. I don’t know what was bugging me. I started saying how I felt like we were not talking much lately (I meant about serious or relationship things, or something), and I felt emotionally disconnected, etc. I then said something else picky that came out really hurtful. I think that deep down, I am having very bad anxiety issues lately, and so I can’t feel content. I feel like something must be wrong. I have tons and tons and tons of body anxiety and sickness anxiety and I’m terrified to tell anyone in my real life because I don’t want to be [insert a better word for ‘diminished’]. I don’t want people to label me the very stigmatized word of hypochondria. But I have a bad anxiety disorder flairing up right now and don’t know what to do about it.
Sep 11, F: Work today. It hasn’t been busy today. I probably could have left hours ago, but since it’s the only day I’ve come to the office all week, I figured I should stay the whole time. I am sick today with a head cold. I’ve had a sore throat for a week. I thought it was allergies (pollen + cats). For three nights, I’ve had a TERRIBLE time sleeping. I was actually sleeping okay for a while there. But right now, terrible insomnia, and restless leg. The minute my legs stop moving, I start to feel panic and the burning and urge to MOVE them again. I’ve slept on the floor twice again (we haven’t had the time to put the bed together, yet). I’ll post this although I won’t be able to add the many pictures until later, from a different computer.
- Dog sitting on Saturday. I don’t know what that’s going to look like yet – it will be at or near Peter’s apartment / nearby parks, assumedly.
- Therapy. Will I continue seeing my current therapist? She has been helpful. But it is hard to get out to that city lately, and will become more so. And she will not be in-network for my new insurance.
- Health insurance. I’ve applied for a new health insurance. It’s through Peter’s work. Apparently I have been accepted, but have yet to receive a card. Apparently it will backdate to the start of August, when I first applied.
- Health insurance. How in !@$# am I going to get my money back for August for my COBRA health insurance? I’ve already paid them $785.66 for this month. They will drop-kick me the instant they catch whiff of me applying for different insurance, so perhaps they will return my August premium.
- My belongings. So I’m going to need to clear out all of my things from my aunt and uncle’s place and officially move in with Peter. I really hope that the wardrobe we picked out is going to fit all of my stuff. I’m to clear out all of my painting supplies, too. I hope that having them handy will inspire me to start painting again.
- Rent. Once I’m officially moved in with Peter and his roommate, I’m going to start contributing to rent. This scares the living daylights out of me. Every time I think about it, my palms start sweating. I think last time Peter did the math for it, he suggested that $500/month would be appropriate. It’s not to lower it for him but for his roommate, since I’m using part of the shared space and all that. But I know what their full rent is and I can do the math and believe me, that is not the full 1/3 amount. That’s not even 1/4. Nor 1/5, 1/6, 1/7… I could go on but I won’t. So trust me. The idea scares the bejeepers out of me. I’m glad their lease is up in December. So the thing is, I’ll only be able to afford contributing toward rent once the new health insurance kicks in — it will be saving me more than that in premiums.
- Work. So I absolutely do not qualify for student work on campus. However, it doesn’t matter right now, because I am not unemployed. It turns out that my work has not found a replacement for me yet. So I am invited to continue working as much as my schedule will allow — which is Tuesday and Thursday after 1:20 pm, and all day on Friday. I’m anxious about having to commute this direction after school on Tue + Thu, but I’m also relieved to maintain having some kind of income for now!!! I dropped one of my classes (the music class) to make sure I’d be able to work on Tuesday. But I also dropped it because the idea of three classes that day was starting to overwhelm me — I don’t think it was a good plan. And the amount of reading it required was incredible – more than any of the other classes.
- School. OMG. What’s stressing me out is that I am supposed to introduce myself to each instructor right away and ask them to read the request for a note-taker for me (yay Disability Support Services!). But the idea of trying to pin down an instructor before the first class is pretty nerve-wracking. I’m not too scared of the reading at present — I have access to audio for 3 of my textbooks and will soon have access to the 4th. I’m terrified of homework — I just don’t have a good track record for actually doing homework. But, I’m older & wiser now, and I know how to work WITH myself a lot more than in the past (as opposed to against myself), so I have a much better chance of succeeding now. For sure.
- Hobbies. I have not participated in ANY of my hobbies or side interests as of late (except for photography). Maybe this isn’t entirely true, because I’ve gone on some walks and watched 2 funny videos and have done my budgeting. But anyway, this is because I am feeling SO MUCH PRESSURE from the impending start of classes. Once I have my new schedule, I think things will go smoothly.
- Relationship. This is moving awfully fast in two ways: Officially moving in with Peter, and going onto his work’s health insurance as an unmarried domestic partner of the opposite sex (they have that category). This is a little out of my comfort zone, to be honest. It is bringing up a LOT of baggage for me, in the form of flashbacks, memories, weird dreams, remorse, sorrowful memories of specific time periods I DON’T want to recall. Etc. I’m trying to keep a lid on it but I’m going to need to deal with it in a healthy way when I can. I haven’t shared all of these specifics details, but he’s suggesting we go to couples therapy, which I think is a brilliant idea. I just need that insurance card so I can get the in-network list… 😛
- My pony. What am going to do with my pony??? I can’t keep paying for my pony! But I am hesitate to part with her, too. I haven’t seen her in over a year! I am just paying every month for her care and I don’t know when I’ll ever see her again or what I’ll do with her. I can’t pay for a pony when I will hardly be working!
- Work again. I’m also glad to stay on with this company for now, because I am very familiar with the people and systems now. It can be stressful for me at times, but the thought of a new, minimum-wage job is even scarier. Also, my tie to my uncle might be broken once I’m entirely gone from this job. Particularly when I’m having to move all of my stuff out soon. My brother had told him that I’m moving in with Peter (for the insurance, he thinks). They think I’m just using the system. Oy. It will be hard to stay in contact with my uncle, I think. He doesn’t really respond to text messages. Maybe I’ll have to call him every now and then, or show up sometimes on the weekend. I don’t know yet.
- OCD. My OCD has been acting up, assumedly from increased stress. I’ve been getting some intrusive thoughts and an inability to get past certain thoughts/ they just keep repeating in my head, over and over again. This’ll go away once I’m into the new school schedule, though. But OMG it does not help matters right now.
- Mood. At least my mood seems to be stable again now. I had even called my doctor to tell her about my extreme crabbiness and even worse exhaustion in the morning. But she is hesitant to raise my thyroid level back up, because I guess that will increase the amount of bone loss for me in the future, since my thyroid level was running kind of high before. But I’m starting to feel okay again, and I even felt like a slept mostly okay last night. I did stall for an hour in getting out of bed, but that was more from my old anxiety than from exhaustion this morning. Things will be easier once I’m into the new school schedule. It’s hard to be looking at it from the top of the cliff.
Aug 05 (Wed): Work;
Aug 06 (Thu): School DSS appt!! 9:30am @location; Work 11:30am – 5:30pm;
Aug 07 (Fri): Work;
Aug 08 (Sat): ;
Aug 09 (Sun): ;
Aug 10 (Mon): Work;
Aug 11 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a; Work 10:30a – 12:30p; School appt
Aug 12 (Wed): Work;
Aug 13 (Thu): Work; Uncle’s house
Aug 14 (Fri): Work;
Well, I’m behind! Let’s see what I can re-construct based off of text messages, photos, and emails.
Aug 5, Wed: I received photos and pictures of a dragonfly that took a 5-mile ride on my dad when he and my parents went walking through the woods. Peter and I both got home super late from work. I made myself some beans and rice and he was able to get some food before leaving work – he was super late due to something up at work, but he was able to fix it.
Aug 6, Thu: My appointment with the Disability Support Services at my new school took longer than I expected, but it was worth it! Not only did I get permission to audio-record lectures, but they rented me out a digital tape recorder for free, which is great because I lost mine and didn’t want to have to buy a new one.
Aug 7, Fri: This day started out humorously. For some reason, I refer to pre-ground coffee beans as “coffee grounds”. I never thought anything of it. But I went to a new coffee shop to buy these beans, and I asked for “grounds”. The rep looked at me as if I was very odd, and said no, they don’t sell those. They usually throw them away. Haha. I didn’t understand until I’d already left and went to the another coffee shop. This time I corrected myself and said grounds – I mean BEANS! Peter and I went to my aunt & uncle’s house after work. I had needed to pick up some mail that arrives for me there. We couldn’t stay the night, in part because I had left my medicine back at Peter’s place.
Aug 8, Sat: Peter and I were at his mom’s house the whole day (from breakfast until night). I got to meet a maternal uncle, who was fun to speak with. I received pictures of my parents and dog in the mountains, picking blueberries. I got to see a couple of pictures of my pony getting attention from some youngsters. I took tons of pictures of one of Peter’s mom’s cats in the setting sun light.
Aug 9, Sun: It must have been this day that my brother borrowed my uncle’s vehicle and tried to help me and Peter pick up some large furniture items (a wardrobe for me, and a bedframe of a larger size than his current one). But alas, their website had lied about the number of items in stock and so we couldn’t buy the furniture. We took my brother out to lunch for helping (or for trying to help).
Aug 10, Mon: Work. Was able to back-order the furniture. I cooked from a cookbook!, with Peter’s assistance (I get pretty overwhelmed after a certain number of steps).
Aug 11, Tue: Therapy, which is perhaps not going smoothly at the moment. Then learned that my 2nd-favorite bakery just shut their doors!!! So sad!!! I also decided (and got agreement from Peter) to make fabric napkins and some potholders, which we need. So one of these days, I get to head to a fabric store… I’d better decide the max amount to spend ahead of time!!! $$$ I worked for 2 hours. After work, I went back to the school. I went through a meeting meant for people who can petition to receive financial aide (I wanted to participate in Work Study), but learned from the meeting that I absolutely cannot qualify because I have too many credits — it doesn’t matter that most of the credits are from over a decade ago. Oh well. I’ll explain why I say, “Oh, well” farther down this post! I also talked with someone about getting my 1 hardcopy textbook turned into audio, and it is no problem because they already had to do that book for someone else.
Aug 12, Wed: Work. Learned that my passport was approved after all. The problem had been that they only had half of my mailing address, somehow. Peter was in an odd(weak) mood and exceptionally exhausted. I think he was fighting off some kind of bug but he says he thinks it was something going on at work that is particularly stressful for him.
Aug 13, Thu: Work. Nobody showed up and I had no tasks. I slept for an hour under my desk. I’ve been playing some phone apps that help me remember my grade-school Math. ( I ❤ gamification ) I went to my uncle’s after work, to take some pictures of more items he’d like to sell. Peter worked from home for part of the day because he was still feeling so exhausted. He joined me at my uncle’s house anyway (although I had just finished and he sat on the porch while I got my bike and such, so my uncle actually never knew he was there!), and we ate out at my favorite Thai restaurant. Peter still seemed “off” to me. In case my nighttime kicking has been keeping him from sleeping at night, I slept on the floor again last night. I feel like I slept fairly well, although I remember waking up a couple of times. I must have tossed a lot because when I woke up, my sleeping bag zipper was now flipped to the other side!!
Aug 14, Fri: Peter sounded a little bit more like himself this morning. Work. I don’t know what tonight will bring. If I can, perhaps I’ll cut work earlier, although in a way, this is like my last “real” day. But I’d like to go home early and pick up some groceries. I’d like to make a quick dinner tonight. I have the feeling of there being so much to do / SO MUCH TO GET DONE. This is likely because school starts on MONDAY!!!!! I haven’t been a full-time student for over a decade!! This is crazy.
I might submit this post and then write an additional post highlighting certain things not mentioned in the log because they are more nebulous.
Mood Range: 3.7 – 5
Jul 29 (Wed): Work; Stayed overnight at my uncle’s, alone
Jul 30 (Thu): Work; Bicycled on bridge while my brother jogged
Jul 31 (Fri): Work;
Aug 01 (Sat): RIVER RAFTING
Aug 02 (Sun): Dinner w/ Peter’s folks
Aug 03 (Mon): Work;
Aug 04 (Tue): NO THERAPY; Work 8a – 4p; Psychiatrist 5:30p
Wednesday: Work. Went to my aunt and uncle’s house. She was out of town, but my uncle and cousin were there. Peter joined us for dinner and then he left after we watched part of a silly movie, and I stayed and thought I’d sleep better, but slept poorly anyway.
Thursday: Work, but there was little to do, so I ended up watching Stephen Fry videos, inspired by BlahPolar’s blog. They were wonderful but I ended up on the topic of HIV and other things that made me feel quite ill after 4 straight hours on the topic. I felt so yuck at the end of the day, I started to try and contact people. I ended up in contact with my brother. He was actually in the area and about to go jogging on a bridge, so I joined him with my bicycle! It was sooooo beautiful. I felt so much better after that. Even though he thinks my upcoming plans still place me as a mooch / using/abusing the system around me. But I think we got along fine and we then had dinner together and it was really good.
Friday: The morning was strange in that Peter had to leave quickly and I was still getting ready for work. I floated around, doing random, unnecessary things, like deciding now would be a good time to mop part of the bathroom floor. I was still in the process of making myself breakfast when he showed back up — I didn’t know he was coming back after that appointment. But I’ll confess that was infinitely more helpful for me. Especially since I was considering practicing piano briefly after breakfast… Who knows when I’d have actually left for work on my own. Then we left together.
ADDITIONAL, IMPORTANT NOTE: I forgot to take my Lexapro + Thyroid medicine until around 4 pm. That is when I started to feel some odd withdrawal-type symptoms — which is what alerted me to the fact that I hadn’t taken my medicine.
It was this night that I have an odd email to my psychiatrist. After work, I think things felt fine. Peter and I made a dinner for ourselves. We were finishing up when his roommate and a mutual friend of theirs came over, and we all chatted. I was interested and engaged verbally with them when the topic of autism and programmers came up. I learned a different perspective. Then I was clearing up dishes and such and no longer having anything to say, but was sort of listening and wanting them to all keep having a nice time, when Peter’s roommate offered out some whiskey for himself and the friend. It was not offered to me or to Peter. Peter eventually asked if he could have some. I didn’t get up this bravery. (Mind you, I HATE whiskey and would have refused the offer anyway). But I felt so intensely jealous and left out. I went quite insane. My emotions literally took me to what I consider a bit of insanity. I couldn’t get past it. These emotions were building and I knew they have a cabinet where, if I had wanted some alcohol for myself, I could have surely asked and found something I would find palatable, and could have joined them and no longer felt left out. But I didn’t. I finished up the cleanup and then I think I went to my bedroom and sat and thought. It was already very late and dark outside, but I had the option of going outside, just down the street, and bringing myself back a wine cooler or something. Or I could go into a nearby bar and ask for a mixed drink. Or I could cut myself. That was a very, very strong urge. I could go into the kitchen, get a sharp knife that is likely not sterilized, and cut myself, and then have a bandage and another scar to deal with at some future point when I’m no longer feeling this burning and intensity inside.
I looked up how to go to bars alone as a female at night and stay safe. I read some tips online but none seemed that helpful. I was debating how to safely carry my wallet when Peter came to the room. I don’t know what I said to him but he asked if I wanted to go on a walk and I said yes, I was about to go on a walk. He asked if I wanted his company and I can’t recall my response; I was torn because I didn’t want him to leave his friend. I didn’t know that the friend and roommate were out on the deck partaking in marijuana anyway (or that probably would have sent me COMPLETELY over the edge with jealousy/ feeling left out).
But I agreed to his company and I hope I got across that I appreciated it. We walked. My fancy pedometer says I was walking very intensely for 2 hours. It took a while before I would talk about why I was so upset. I felt it was so STUPID and silly, I just wanted to walk off the feelings first and then later be able to talk about it in a detached way. But yeah, I finally talked about it, and I think I’m glad I did. He didn’t think feeling left out was a stupid/silly response. (He also pointed out that he and I are implicitly invited to join, but I’m not sure I could make that assumption). But I insisted my response was incredibly out of proportion to the scenario / fairly insane. I was INCREDIBLY upset for very little reason. (I’m a little concerned that Peter will be wary of people drinking around me in the future, since I reacted to this so strongly. But time will tell.)
We walked so hard that I had to stop at one point. I had been going even with a side stitch, but at the top of one hill, I got too light-headed to continue and ended up laying down on someone’s front steps.
Even when we got back, I was still upset. So I took 1 mg of clonazepam, and an unknown time later emailed my psychiatrist about it. I’m very concerned that the lowered thyroid dose has increased my mood instability. I have definitely felt more melancholy lately, but again, how can I know what is thyroid, versus my usual response to HUGE upcoming life changes?? I am very close to no longer being an employee for the first time since 2002. Even sometime in 2002, I got a part-time job. And I will be a full-time student for the first time since 2003!!! And that’s not to mention that Peter and I are going to buy me a wardrobe and us a bigger bed any day now, which will mark the time I’ll officially move in with him and begin to help pay rent/utilities and whatnot, and will also qualify for his health insurance as an opposite-sex non-married domestic partner (his work has that option). It is scary. But my own premiums went up $60 last month, making them now cost $785.66/month, I kid you not!!!!! But his insurance is much worse for prescription drugs. Instead of a set copay, it’s a percentage of the overall drug cost, which is very bad news if I ever have to take a drug that is costly. My thyroid and iron are very cheap, so that’s fine there, but I’ll have to shop around for the cheapest escitalopram (generic Lexapro). When that first went generic, it was still very expensive. But it’s been a good ‘nother year or two now, so hopefully the cost has gotten lower.
Anyway, I was eventually able to sleep.
Saturday: OMFG!!!! River rafting with Peter and two of my cousins and their dog, I kid you not!!!!!!!!!!!! It was SO FUN. OMG. (One of them is my cousin legally, the other is her fiance, but I count him as my cousin already.) So at the start, one of my cousins was running the car down and then bicycling back to our start position. My other cousin was walking around in the water and getting her dog used to the river (it was his first introduction to water / swimming). Meanwhile, Peter and I got used to the water temperature (it took me a while — I’m a huge chicken for feeling cold). Once in, we swam upshore a little way and watched some kids who were swinging off a tree and dropping off of a rope into the river. I decided to do it! CRAZY. Even though the water level was way down and so the dropping area was quite shallow, I decided to do it, because it’s something I’ve never done before and always thought I’d be too afraid to ever try. It’s good that the kids yelled at me when it was time to let go of the rope, because I’m afraid I would have kept holding on otherwise. It was fun! I touched bottom but I didn’t get hurt. It turned out to be sandy there, not rocky like the rest of the riverbed.
Anyway, there was very little current and so two of us were out of the “raft” at all times, pulling and/or “paddling” it down the river. We didn’t have paddles, but when the bottom was too deep for walking, we used our arms and legs to keep it moving. What a day. I feel terrible because Peter got terribly sunburned, even though we had slathered on sunscreen at the start. Apparently we went too long before re-applying it. Afterward, we all ate out together.
Sunday: I forgot to mention that while all this is going on, my parents and my dog have been out camping!!! I’ve been getting pictures of my dog snoozing with them in a tent. 🙂 It’s so sweet.
I have no records regarding what I did on Sunday. If I remember right, the day started very slowly and I had a killer time getting out of bed, yet again. At some point, we walked and I looked in a shop, and then we ate fries somewhere as a lunch-snack, because we were scheduled to eat with Peter’s folks for dinner (they were generously sharing a $100 coupon with us, from his dad’s work). We ate dinner with them and it was really good. We went to an Indian restaurant because they were trying so hard to make sure I’d have something to eat! My eating is a pain in the @$$, let me tell you. I’m going to try going back onto barley in the next couple of months.
PTA: Gluten-free, lactose-intolerant pescatarian. That’s what I am right now. PTA.
Monday: Work. Slow at first and I was able to post pictures of the rafting trip for my cousins. Then it got super busy and I had to stay a couple of hours late, but that was fine. Peter was late too, so we met around 8 pm and ate out. Then we got ready for bed. I tried to sleep in the bed, even if it meant I wouldn’t sleep well, but it actually turned out his very bad sun burn was causing him to be super ticklish and my hair kept bumping it, so I decided to sleep on the floor anyway. And I was able to fall asleep at some point, so I’m glad I moved down there. I’m too alert/aware to fall asleep, otherwise. I’m so anxious about having to flop around and wake the other person, I can’t relax enough to fall asleep.
Tuesday: Work. It’s slow so far, as you can see. Later, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist.
Mood Ranking for all of these various days: 2 (Friday, such strong self-injury feelings count as a 2; in my book, there’s only one step lower) – 5 (Bicycling on the bridge with my brother; River rafting w/Peter and my cousins)
Jun 23 (Tue): @ Grandma’s
Jun 24 (Wed): @ Grandma’s
Jun 25 (Thu): @ Grandma’s
Jun 26 (Fri): Fly back from Grandma’s by 10a; Fly to Peter’s cousin’s place at night
Jun 27 (Sat): Peter’s cousin’s bar mitzvah
Jun 28 (Sun): Peter’s cousin’s place; Fly back home in afternoon
Jun 29 (Mon): Work 9:30a – 5:30p; Go to Uncle’s after work
Tue, Wed, Thu: With my grandma, my mom, two aunts, two uncles, and a cousin (briefly). I’m not posting TW’s because I think the title is clear: I was there again because my grandma was dying. I was there for my own sense of closure and saying goodbye as well as wanting to commiserate with my family and be of any support for them as possible. I suppose I won’t go into too much detail here but hospice was involved so we were able to help take away Grandma’s pain and take care of her there at my aunt’s house. My grandma was much more at peace there, and always surrounded by love. Some family issues came up; two siblings had a pretty severe blow-up and might not speak with each other for many years to come. Let me rewind. Also, my aunts and uncles helped me to pick out an outfit for the upcoming Bar Mitzvah, because I left all of my formal clothes back Home (with my parents and dog). I talked to my grandma or just sat near her, and each day I played some gentle piano music for her. She was in a state similar to a coma but not quite; she did respond in certain ways when we would talk to her and stroke her arm or forehead. Her eyes would blink although closed, and her mouth would close, and her breathing would steady a little. She could definitely hear us although there is no way of knowing what she could comprehend; the hospice nurses said her brain was also starting to shut down.
Fri: Left there in the morning, flew back here. Leaving there was hard. I did not want to leave. I would not have left but for the $600 plane ticket that Peter had already purchased for me. So I did decide to leave. I said my goodbyes to Grandma on Thursday night and reinforced them again on Friday morning before leaving. She’s been basically in a coma or maybe a morphine-induced fog, but there were things I wanted to say. So then I flew. Got back here, napped and packed for my flight with Peter and his dad for Peter’s cousin’s Bar Mitzvah. We left that night.
Sat: Arrived on Saturday morning. Met Peter’s paternal family. Everyone was nice. I rested a bit (hadn’t been able to sleep on the plane that night; my restless leg syndrome was being severe AND every time I started to nod off, I would jerk awake with horrible, horrible OCD intrusive thoughts). Then it was time to get dressed and ready for the Bar Mitzvah. It was really nice. I haven’t been to any before this, but I am sure it was a really nice one. The cousin’s speech was really interesting; I’d been afraid I wouldn’t be able to relate to it because I don’t know much about the religion, but he did a wonderful job and I felt very connected to what they were talking about. Of course, I didn’t know to expect a prayer/words for those mourning loved ones’ deaths near the end, so I cried and had no tissue for my snotty nose. Afterward, the reception/ceremony was pretty amazing. There was an open bar and catered food that was really good. There was mandatory dancing and I liked that. Then Peter and I danced to many of the rest of the songs anyway, although neither of us knows any dance moves. So we basically were just shuffling our feet in random ways, but it was fun. I hope a relative sends a picture so I can show my parents (pictures were allowed during this part). They’d LOVE to have seen it.
Sun: So, we left Sunday, early afternoon, after they had a bunch of family photos taken and more chatting and celebration. I got to talk with more, very nice relatives. Peter was asked to play piano for ambiance again. Then we had to leave. Flew back, said goodbye to Peter’s dad, dropped off our stuff at Peter’s place and went out to eat dinner. It was really good food. Then went to a store for a couple of supplies and that’s when my mom called me that my grandma had passed away.
She had been without food or water for a week already, and hardly eaten or drank for a long time before then. It hurts but at the same time, there was an element of relief for me. She died very peacefully, not like her husband, who struggled at the very end. My grandma’s breathing was becoming more infrequent and then at last she did not inhale again. She had waited until the family was back from a walk and they were all with her, and I’m glad for that. But it’s hard not to be there with them now. But I cannot go back right now; a coworker was getting anxious about my absence because of a large, important report that he needs me to print + bind shortly. I was hoping he’d give it to me today and then I could consider leaving again later in the week, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen today.
I had worried so long, SO, SO long, about how my mom would not be able to live on without her mom. I thought she’d be lost forever once her mom died. But it turns out, and so I think I needed to have been there and seen with my own eyes, my mom will pull through this. I saw it. She even helped with some of the night shift medicating. Reality turns into the New Norm and she is adjusting to it. I imagine it helped her too, to see Grandma during this stage of her decline. So there was this chance to see and to adjust and to live differently. I underestimated her. I guess we will all adjust to the New Norms as they happen, and I needn’t have worried so much for so many years. We deal. We handle it. We let our mental expectations change as the reality changes. We adapt.
Mon: I woke up in a pretty severe, serious mood. No joking, just taking everything very serious and saying very serious things. In contrast, I think Peter woke up in a light mood, and our conversation this morning was confusing and I’ve already written him for further clarification. I’m at work. I briefly saw my uncle. I’m going to go to his place after work today, and I’m going to watch a stupid movie with him (we’ve already planned it). He was one of the siblings involved in the blow-out and there are certain topics we’ll avoid discussing, but I’ll be glad to be with him. I talked with my mom for a while last night when she called to tell me the news about Grandma, and then I called my dad and talked with him for a while, although he and I mostly talked about my dog. I needed to talk with family. I texted with my brother some, too. ❤
UPDATE: I’ve been in a shitty, shitty mood all day today. I’ve just gone on a 2+ mile walk in the sun and I’m STILL in a shitty, shitty mood. That’s how bad it is.
I feel anxious & guilty for even having written this out. I don’t want “Peter” to somehow find out I have felt so conflicted about this topic (it seems so trivial and silly to me). But I also don’t want to pull this posting down, because if I feel this way at times, I’m betting there are others of you who are also conflicted about similar issues and perhaps it will help to know that you are not alone. So here you guys go:
So here’s a topic that’s on my mind tonight. Y’all know I like “Peter” a lot. But there is one area in particular that I’m finding extremely taxing on my emotions — we have differing communication styles when it comes to anything that’s not face-to-face.
I, for example, am prone toward daily contact of some sort. He is not. I am prone toward sending out text messages and emails, with little snippets of text and snapshots from my day — anything that makes me think of him, or anything that I think he’d like/be interested in, for example. He sends out a little bit in return, infrequently. (My insecure voice: ‘Infrequently’ to me means what??? Not every second??)
So that alone has been enough to bring up my self-doubt. “Did I overwhelm him??? Did I send out too many pictures today?? Maybe I disrupted him while he was at work. Maybe he is annoyed with me for having sent these out.” Etc. I’ve asked him, and he says he is fine with what I’ve sent. I’d actually be 100% fine if I only heard back from him once a week, except for the following:
But the killer part for me is the lack of feedback. Sometimes, I will hear feedback from him regarding something I have either texted or emailed, and sometimes that feedback will be sent back in some kind of text form. More often, he will mention something I’ve sent him the next time we are face-to-face, which is fine for me. (My insecure voice: I’m surely just being too needy. I’m surely just expecting instant gratification. I’m surely sending him too much / too often.)
I think I could handle that if all things were given feedback face-to-face, but even then, it is just a sampling. Perhaps he brings up just the things that felt weightier to him than some of the other random crapola I’ve sent him; I am only guessing. I actually send him very little, because I don’t like to send more than what the other person sends back to me; I like the ratio to be balanced. For our ratio to be balanced, I would have to scale back quite a lot more.
And so, I am torn. There is a part of me that is interested in this new approach to communication – almost entirely face-to-face communication. It does seem like a healthier, safer way of communicating, in some ways (for example, there is an increased chance of mis-communications in text-based communication).
But the part of me that wants to continue sending text-based communications is concerned. The lack of feedback for my text-based communications is definitely not working for me.
So I have choices. I could:
- Continue looking at this as a challenging but fascinating practice in patience / delayed gratification
- Stop texting or emailing him, and go with face-to-face communication ONLY
- Break up with him and meet new people, finding someone I can again send out my daily blips to with the returned feedbacks that I’m familiar with
- Bring this up with “Peter” directly and actually talk about it with him
I’m not inclined to break up with him right now; I really like him. But I can’t leave things as-is, either, because I’m far too insecure of a person to send something out to someone and hear nothing back. So, likely I’ll go with Option 2. With Option 2, I have more options as well. For example, I could still take my snapshots that make me think of him, but instead of sending instantly, I can compile them into a Save Draft email to show him next time I’m with him in-person. There are options like that.
But I’m not entirely positive if that’ll work. When I tried to share a particular song with him, he left midway through because he remembered his bike had a flat tire and he went to go look at it. Likely, I was not clear that the song I had put on was a special one that I was playing specifically for him to listen to it. I will have to bring this up and try to share it again with him, with my intentions clearly stated this time, and see if he can listen to it.
As much as I like him (a freaking lot), I’ll have to try again with someone new if we can’t get it worked out for me to find a successful way of sharing non-verbal items of interest with him. He’s a good listener when I speak verbally to him. But if I can’t share my pictures, my music, my writings, my video clips of interest, etc, with the person I’m interested in, then what? As you guys could probably imagine based solely on the massive amounts of crapola I’ve posted on here alone (writings, sketches, musics, comics, videos, etc), these types of things are somewhat fairly hugely important to me. And sharing is important to me.
But I actually do think he reads/looks at what I send. Maybe not the 4 music clips I sent, because he said he had no headphones at the time, but I think he does read anything I’ve typed. I think I just don’t receive feedback about it.
So Option 4 seemed more rational, right? Obviously I should discuss it directly and honestly with him, right? I might end up having to do that. I kind of want to avoid it, because I feel awfully stupid for this even bothering me in the first place. Like it should be a molehill and instead I’m making it a mountain. Ah well, we’ll see. Everything will work out. Or it won’t. 🙂 In the meanwhile, I am going to refrain from texting or emailing him; other people will receive my random pictures instead (I can’t shut off that part of me; I can only redirect it). And perhaps one of these days, I’ll work up the nerve to discuss it with “Peter” directly.
So I already went ahead and brought up the topic, face to face! Resolved. I essentially paused this morning and asked him if I could check with him about something. He was affirmative. I pointed out how I was very likely to feel like sending him random pictures and snippets all day today. I asked how he felt about those. And especially if/how he prefers to receive them (e.g. text message or email). I told him how insecure I had gotten by the end of the day a couple of days ago. I told him how I was able to envision that I had disrupted his work, that he was annoyed with it, etc and I pointed out my idea of a single email per day instead.
He thought about it a while and then responded that not only does he not mind the text messages — that the buzzing of his phone does not disrupt or bother him — but that he feels positively toward them. That he likes the reminders showing up, and likes knowing that I’m still alive + well, etc. Then he said he could work on replying to them more often. But I replied that my intention wasn’t to change how he’s comfortable communicating (I wonder if that’s the truth or rather what I want to be true? But I’ll learn that as more time passes, and can bring this up again with that as the focus if needed). I just wanted to know his preferences for my random blurbs so that I could avoid feeling so insecure about them. It all went something to that effect.
Happy. Very good, easy talk.