Weaning off Lexapro: Day 40


  • 10mg Lexapro, normal thyroid meds
  • electrolyte beverage
  • a little bit of walking


  • Fretting over my current relationship with bf
  • UPDATE: A symptom I’ve been forgetting to mention but have been experiencing for a couple of weeks: a strange, warm, fuzzy feeling in my stomach. It’s very unusual for me. It’s almost like, a positive, warm fuzzy happy feeling? It’s really weird.
  • UPDATE: The acid reflux stuff seems to have eased off

Journal Items:

  • Got up for an appointment with a course professor at 9am
  • Went for a walk afterward
  • Ate breakfast/lunch at a cafeteria type place
  • Went to a library to focus on my studies
  • Kind of frittered away time once I got back home
  • Watching horse videos online and some stuff on learning disorders
  • Wrote an extremely long email to relationship counselor (she’s already replied; she’s very nice and makes me feel hopeful)
  • Ate dinner late (9pm)
  • Getting ready for bed

Weaning off Lexapro: Day 19

A partly cloudy sky with a thin layer of fog over it

Cloudy, blue sky, and a hint of fog

Meds Today:

  • 10mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • multivite tablet
  • 0.5mg lorazepam


// Cut for 2 potential Trigger Warnings: Intestinal function detail & reference to sex//

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The moods had a reason, and 1 other thing

Amazingly, the intense mood swings seem to have had a reason. I don’t know why it took me over a month to figure it out. They had seriously intensified after I had returned here from visiting my parents & dog. Also during that time, I parted with my pony. I don’t talk about her on here much for a reason. But there you have it. I had a beloved family member for many, many years, and I finally gave her away officially.

And I could not focus on school the following month. And my mood swings were intense. But now that I realize the connection, my moods have been a lot more stable (no pun intended).

I’m finally making progress again in class.

My boyfriend and I are going to couple’s therapy and it’s been so great. We are both learning a ton. I really like the lady we are seeing.

However, one thing that we are doing lately is giving each other “histories”. They are formatted quite specifically but my bf went first and so I have known for several weeks now that my turn is coming up and I’ve been getting quite nervous about it. They are somewhat brief and don’t go into tons of detail. I believe that the ultimate point is going to be to see how he and I individually learned what relationships look like, how to show love, what we’ve seen work and not work in our own families, etc. But there’s also some question as to any moments of abuse and how they might still be affecting us / affecting how we are in relationships / that sort of thing. The thought of having to speak about such things again has generated a lot of racing thoughts in me, particularly in the form of insomnia. Such as right now. It’s hard to know something is coming and have too much time for dwelling.

I did find it informative to hear my bf’s story, though. In spite of having known facts about his life growing up, it was interesting to hear it through the particular format that she’s asking the questions and stuff. I didn’t explain that well.

An update! Oceans, flights, hikes, conflict, beauty, and change

Well, it is time for an update! I have no clue when was the last time I updated this blog. But it’s well past time for an update. And, let’s have some ORDER around here! Bulleted list time:

Canada goose butt

The elegance of a feeding Canada goose

  1. I am suddenly distracted by a conversation happening downstairs. I will try my best to tune it out. I do not travel to other countries, so I have no reason to eavesdrop on how to make a phone service work in other countries, or buying other SIM cards, etc. No clue. Tune it out.
  2. School! Well. It was going very well until this current class. And now, HALT! I am scraping through chapters like a slug trying to complete a marathon in the rain. Hey, we’ll get there eventually. But I’ve blown my timeline.
    1. THE WORST, for me, is that I lost my Student Mentor! He got transferred to a different department. I got assigned a new one and I find myself feeling depressed while on the phone with her. She wants me to make sure I’m going for the right major for me, considering I have no interest in Accounting, kind of hate it, and fear and am bad at Math. She doesn’t understand that I am taking this horse to the end of the river. It doesn’t matter that I don’t want to be going through this river crossing. It’s the way to get there. It’s not my favorite way. I’d rather we have gone up over a mountain ridge instead. But I’m here in the horrible, dangerous river crossing that’s going to take years, but my horse is willing and I’m going to stick it out. Because, I’m not exactly young and not getting any younger, and I have no direction other than this, and I’m sticking to it, dammit.
  3. I quit the psychologist I was seeing for a while there. We never really clicked and like I’ve written sometime before, we had a serious issue come up that was never resolved and it was terribly awkward and I realized he doesn’t understand me and won’t understand me and I could never trust him again and wasn’t getting to where I wanted to be, so that’s done.
  4. My boyfriend and I are going to couples therapy now! We had our second appointment today and I really think this lady is wonderful! I feel as though she really knows the topic (couples and conflict and resolution). We had homework from Session 1 and it was helpful. This week, we have even more homework, and I’m kind of excited about some of it! 🙂 I was so excited during the appointment, when we were talking about ideas for reducing grocery store tensions, that I almost started crying tears of joy. …P.S. I am experiencing some insane PMS yesterday & today! Whew. Talk about eyes tearing up.
  5. Which is nice. Because all of that screwing around with my thyroid doses has given me Dry Eyes to the point where my eye doctor wants me to be on prescription eye stuff. In lieu of that, I’m to use Blink for very dry eyes multiple times a day. You know you have dry eyes when you put in a few drops of that stuff and feel like you’ve reached some kind of Heaven and kind of want to just keep dropping the stuff into your eyes, like a continuous stream. aaaaahhh bliss.
  6. I’m considering going back to the city college. I would take a specific Accounting class that I need to take for the online school but have a lot of concerns about. I think taking it in person first will give me a lot more confidence. Also, I could go back to weight lifting and jogging for my other credits. Then, I would qualify as an Accounting Tutor again, which would be so great. I loved doing that. It just pays so pathetically.
  7. But my stress over money is reaching extreme danger levels. I applied to a local job last week but I hadn’t seen the posting for 9 days and they’d already filled it. But they offered to keep my resume on file for the next opening, which was pretty nice of them. Man, I would have loved that job. I was so excited. I re-wrote my entire resume, which takes a lot of internal energy.
  8. Clouds in blue sky

    Clouds and Blue

    I am in love with walking along the water, even with so many people and chaos and the birds and the seals and more birds and the water and the breeze…. aahhhhh… Lovely. So I go out there a lot now to study in a coffee shop near the water. I focus much better there than I do at home, which I get distracted and do things like laundry and read about tidying and stuff. 🙂

  9. Goodnight! 1/2 dose of clonazapam kicked in a while back and I’m in a very happy, content haze at the moment. I hate to ever lose this feeling but I can hardly see straight due to my exhaustion (I haven’t been sleeping well for two weeks)
  10. Not since I got to spend so much time with my parents and my beloved dog. ❤ I’ve had insomnia of epic proportions ever since then.
  11. I have been practicing music more frequently. Yay.
  12. I need to and would like to do a bunch of garden weeding.

Everything’s fine

So, I’m pretty much back to my normal again. No mind loops of the past or anything like that. I’m studying for school again and going on walks. I’m still gardening. I’d like to practice music more frequently.

Image of a flying gull against a blue sky


Tomorrow, I will volunteer at the animal shelter and then go on a Pokéwalk with “Joe”. I think we will walk around a lake this time, instead of along the ocean. I haven’t been to that lake in a while, so it will be nice. I hope I can get myself out of bed and to the animal shelter. I’ve been having trouble with motivation. The route to the animal shelter is long and sometimes unpleasant because of the other people who ride that bus route. The vast majority of the people are fine, but sometimes the other people are not fine. At least I don’t avoid the Pokéwalks.

On Tuesday, I go again to the animal shelter and then to my psychologist. Although I’m basically my normal again already, I don’t know how I feel about this psychologist. I’m afraid to go. I’m afraid I’ll refuse to talk to him. I’m still upset, distrusting, and a little bit angry toward him. I suppose all of this resentment is just because he wouldn’t allow me to email him extra information — he wanted it all brought or said to shown to him in-person. It’s strange to me that I would take that so badly but it feels like he just doesn’t get it. (It = me, I guess)


Crab burying itself in the sand

I will soon be out of town. There is so much I need to take care of before I go, but I don’t have a consolidated list yet. I haven’t been able to remember everything in one sitting and don’t really know where all of my notes have gone off to. Hopefully I can get everything remembered and done before I leave.

So for the rest of today? My partner’s parents are both here and we’re about to eat pizza. I suppose the only chance I have of getting homework done today will be to do some after dinner. We got up very late today (because we got home from “Joe’s” b-day party very late last night). Then we made plum coffee cakes (his dad has his own plum tree), finished watching a TV show episode, and then went on a walk. The walk was my doing. We ended up completing a PokémonGO raid and taking over a gym. I hope that it will be easy for me to excuse myself after dinner, and focus well on studying for a few hours!

Therapy isn’t going well at present

So just recently, my therapist (actually a psychologist) asked me about dissociation. This was in the context of me having had a bad weekend that I shared with him, and there was a moment where I dissociated, and thus told him about that.

He asked about dissociation so I told him using the easiest method I have. I mentioned some elementary school abuse story. Okay, I should have thought that through farther or something. But I didn’t and here I am. That was last week, I think. I don’t know. You guys would know better than me because I got into a not-quite-okay mode and posted here a lot. I even sketched a comic! I saw him twice that week because there was too much to possibly say because it lead into other things, like a time period I haven’t written about here although have alluded to several times.

Meanwhile, this psychologist stops me and says if I say any more about elementary school, he’s going to have to report it. But days later, he’s able to check with his ethics officer and for reasons I won’t share here, he doesn’t have to. If he had done so, it would have been the end of the world. I can’t share why on here. But without even the strength to put the true emotion into these words, MY world would have ended and so would several others’.

So then I feel safer again, and I share some things to him via email. Not too much, for me, but I hadn’t ever shared w/him outside of the office before, so it probably seemed like a lot.

Now to my point. Today, we had an appointment. I was so ill-feeling this morning (nerves because I didn’t know what to expect), I ended up taking anti-anxiety medicine earlier in the day. So, granted I was still on some amount of medicine by the time our appointment came around (it’s half-life is fairly short so it wasn’t a full dose). So it’s possible the medicine was interfering with any sort of ability of me to feel connected.

But it was weird. Kind of like nothing had ever come up? Well, but he did ask if I wanted to talk about anything? I don’t know. I don’t really know what happened. The whole appointment went by and I left and I’m wondering if it was productive in any way whatsoever. I can’t be wasting money like that. He did say that next appointment, I could talk about whatever I’d like. I asked if it would be helpful or harmful to talk about that shit. He thought perhaps it would be helpful.

So in that case — is that I checked with him several times to see if I could have permission via email to share things with him during this time. For example, any sketches or poems, that sometimes help me to try and explain something I can’t vocalize. He said that was fine to bring to him in-person, but he doesn’t want it being sent to him in other ways. He wants everything to be face-to-face. He gave more reasons for why face-to-face is superior but I don’t recall because I was busy talking to myself internally (well, it’s true. I was talking to myself mentally about how important it was for me to be able to share during the week, since I historically chicken-out the day of appointments and know I wouldn’t bring in anything). I did say that out loud — that I would probably be too shy to bring any in. I think I said it out loud, anyway. It’s all kind of a blur.

Anyway. This is all very unsettling for me because next week is my last week around before I’m gone for a while. Then he’s going to be gone for a while. So basically, why go to next week’s appointment? I should cancel that appointment. But maybe I only say that out of bitterness. Maybe it could be productive in some other way?

But I feel like he just doesn’t get it. The can of worms is already cracked open. Maybe he’s trying to put a lid on it. Maybe I’m trying to open it all the way, but that’s a long, long road to go back down.

There IS a desire in me to open the can of worms. I feel like, there is a piece of my life that I still haven’t threaded together into a cohesive narrative. I feel like I’m more ready now than I ever have been before, and I like to know what’s happened in my life and why and how I grew because of it. I ain’t talking about elementary school; that is black and white, easy to understand.

That part of me, that wants to open the can of worms, is really disappointed in this appointment. I know now that I had wanted an excuse for a muse. I had wanted him to inquire and be curious and try to learn more. I had wanted a reason to get out pencil and paper and sketch and revisit papers on that time period and thread together a cohesive understanding. But it’s a dangerous, time-consuming process and, knowing myself, I would need extra support in the meanwhile. I WOULD become clingy and desperate at times; I WOULD probably ask to come in twice a week instead of once at times. I might be weird as I dig through some dirt. But I feel like, in less than a month’s time, I’d have the understanding I so desire.

The one perk of waiting is that the VAST MAJORITY of my writings and drawings on this topic and FROM this time period and directly after are at my parents’ house. Perhaps I could gather those documents within the next year and have them ready. Perhaps I could go to an actual trauma specialist this time and do this once and for all.

That’s all well and good, but with this can of worms cracked, it’s difficult to turn my mind to other things, like homework. I made myself exercise A LOT this weekend, yesterday, and today. I think it helped prevent me from nose-diving straight into a terrible depression. Instead, I just feel kind of … unsupported and scared and like, I must have made a terrible mistake. Embarrassed, I guess. But that latter part is likely because I perceived no feedback from psychologist today. BUT, as I’ve already said, that is either because I was on anti-anxiety medicine and perhaps numbed my ability to sense connection, or perhaps he was staying withdrawn on purpose because my emails and sharing of that sketch scared the shit out of him and he took it literally like I was already clung to his leg or something. He didn’t make any comment about that sketch, btw. That probably made me very sad since I drew that to share with him something I experience.

Ah well, you know? Maybe he doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing. I always assume these psych people know what the hell they’re doing but what if they don’t. Or what if he does, and it was my exact contact during the week that caused today’s appointment to be non-existent…or the anti-anxiety drugs.. LOOP! 🙂

Comic: Not this process again (Comic#050)

Reverting from adult to child


Hmm. I can’t figure out how to make this image click-able so you can see it blown up to full size (older pics of mine are still click-able). Perhaps it’s the theme I’m using. Maybe I’ll try switching to a different theme.
*UPDATE*: I fixed it! I had already tried two new themes before discovering what was different about this one compared with older ones that worked as links. I’m staying with a new, more open-feeling theme anyway.