Vitamins if I remember (maybe a couple of times a week)
Exercise (walking, bicycling, skiing)
Irritability only with certain people (such as my bf)
Insomnia now that I’m back home
Feeling that something BIG is going to happen soon (CHANGE)
Confused. Torn. Mixed up.
There’s no way for me to remember and write what has passed.
But I did go to my parents’ house. And spent time with my beloved, beloved dog, who has heart failure now. He’s living on borrowed time thanks to responding well to medicines. Every day he’s with us has always been and will remain a gift.
My dad’s going to turn 70? What? How?
Studying for class
Walking, very short walks with my dog, and longer walks with my mom
Skiing with my folks, and my bf when he came
The mountains, the snow, the smells, the sounds. The fresh air, the cold wind. The gravel, I could roll around in it and never get enough.
I miss it all so much. My heart stayed there. I’m a split person as I have been the whole time, but it’s more obvious right now. I’m dissociating mildly here right now. I’m not connected to this place. I don’t like living here.
But life is complicated and I have to let it slide in this moment of time. I believe the reduction of Lexapro from 20mg to 5mg has really made a large difference in me. I *feel* more like I used to feel, so long ago (I’ve been on Lexapro for over a decade). But that doesn’t mesh well with what’s around me today. I believe that the Lexapro put a bubble around me and I was okay with things I would never have been okay with before. It might reach back far enough to say that I wouldn’t have been married in the first place if I hadn’t been on Lexapro and had such drug-thickened skin. Life is weird.
The most important issue is the sleep schedule. My bf had to stay up past 2 a.m. a few nights ago in order to finish some time-important work. I was up past midnight before I finally fell asleep. That really messed me up. Now I’m sleeping in late and going to bed late.
Food. Missing meals, not eating fruits and veggies. Blood sugar thrown so far off that I had to drink a diabetic shake at midnight last night to stop the shaking that had started.
I’m sad. I want to cry. I’m hurt. (Update: The feeling is separate from the following paragraph. The following paragraph is 1 thing I’m allowing to fall into the hurt category, my feeling hurt is its own thing, without a cause. It’s chemicals flooding my body and finding whatever they can to feel hurt about. I type only one example below):
(I’m hurt about what some other Pokémon Go players are saying about people who ask for help to get kicked out of a gym in order to get their coins. They call people like me selfish and entitled. I find it hurtful and I don’t want to play anymore. I’m going to cheat the rules now and start a new account so I can take my own damn self out of the gyms w/o asking for help, since that is so publically judged.)
I’m perseverating on things. A LOT. It’s hard to break the mind loops. OCD intrusive thoughts are strong right now.
Schoolwork is going slowly. So slowly. I’m set up with a tutor now, and also an Instructor. But that won’t be for several days. In the meantime, I just have to try and keep plodding through it.
My dreams at night are nice. I am back with my horse. I’m doing training. I’m with my parents and my dog. I wake up and it’s all gone. My horse is sold and I don’t know if I’ll ever have another horse. My parents are far away and plane tickets are very expensive. My dog is so, so far away. He’s about 14 years old. Okay, now I’m crying.
This is not an easy phase of medication withdrawal. I don’t like it. I’m going to hang out at this dose for at least a month. I don’t care how long it takes. I won’t go down any more until I stabilize. It scares me that there are still 2 more steps down until zero Lexapro, and that final step is said to be the worst of them all.
I feel different today. Like something is going to change. This happens sometimes. It feels empowering and huge and like something major is going to be fixed or my life is going to go into a different direction (Update: I wrote it in passive-tense but that’s not what I mean. I mean it feels like I AM ABOUT TO FORCE A MAJOR CHANGE). Usually, I get very depressed soon after this feeling, which is ironic but. That’s historically what happens.
This has been a difficult couple of days relationship-wise.
Bedtimes are out of control and I’m feeling extremely passive aggressive over it, which doesn’t help me accomplish anything productive, believe me.
I need to redo my resume. I need to apply to jobs again. I need to get a job. I need to earn an income.
Because… I need to feel more independent. I’m of half a mind to cut & run from this relationship right now. But I can’t feel objective about it when I’m so financially dependent right now.
Rant: I KNEW these things in advance. I TOLD myself I’d be more careful the next time. But that damn honeymoon period, so to speak, locks me into a relationship and I get to know and care about the other person. Then later, when it all settles out and the person doesn’t have the qualities I already know that I need, it’s hard to get out. What are the two main things I’m bitching about right now? *) Not a dog person, which is IMPORTANT to me, and *) Has even worse executive functioning than I have, which is a BIG DEAL for me. And I’ll add another: not fully aware of how poor his own executive functioning is. Definitely blamed ME for avoiding certain conversations, when it was so, so clear that the convos didn’t happen because we’d both forgotten and never got around to it! Give me a LITTLE bit of the benefit of the doubt, would ya? This is all not. easy. [[Note to the reader: this is NOT an unbiased story and it is NOT a complete picture in the slightest. I’m merely venting some poison.]]
I’m studying very slowly but thoroughly right now (it’s an important class, so I’m opting for over-studying rather than under-studying, atm).
Today begins a true attempt at weaning off of Lexapro 20mg, with permission and help from my psychiatrist. Update: I have been on the drug for over 10 years straight.
I definitely want to document this process so I will know if the withdrawal becomes too unbearable, or in the end if I just need to go back on because I was better on it, etc.
* 15mg Lexapro in the morning (with usual thyroid dose)
* 1 capsule of fish oil and a multivitamin, just because
* I must get in some solid exercise, just because
* tonight, 10mg of Prozac (this will allegedly ease the withdrawal symptoms because of the longer half life) UPDATE: I did not take it because I didn’t feel dizzy or zappy or anything
* Have had diarrhea and cramps for 2 days, totally unrelated (could be PMS, food not agreeing with me, or a bug)
* Very anxious about being on the 15mg today — waiting for the electric zappies to hit me at any time, but they haven’t started yet.
That’s all there is to report about this for now. 🙂
In other news, I’m doing terribly at focusing on schoolwork. TERRIBLY. But within three days of now, I will have taken another Final exam. I’m not sure if I’ll pass it.