Topic: Altering ANGER

Ever since my thyroid dose was lowered, I’ve had a lot of trouble with my irritability. I can go from happy-happy-happy to anger in about a split nano second. Unfortunately, once I’m angry, it LASTS.

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Anxiety medicine FTW

Well. Mysteries of the universe solved.

I’m still on the remnant half life of the dose of anxiety medicine I took last night and I feel woonnnddeerrful. I’m able think, I’m able to leave my apartment, I’m able to walk around, I’m able to do schoolwork.

The thinking is important. My brain is actually turning, slightly. Not like on a great day, but on an almost-human day.

What a relief.

I’ll forgive myself if I end up needing anxiety medicine from now until I have located a new job and have moved. This is my last week in my belovedly awesome apartment, btw.

I am actually in a class right now. I just asked a question. I love that after I ask a question, usually someone else asks a question, too. I think sometimes people are afraid to interrupt lecture but the prof doesn’t mind. She’s super nice. I like that I can be an ice breaker for others.

My extreme anxiety and depression lately has really poisoned things between me and my partner. It sucks. I hope that after I get a new job and after I settle into his mother’s house, I hope we can salvage things. Because he’s a great guy, I don’t actually want to scrap this. I’d like to see about working on things again. But it’s been hard when I have no smile inside of me, no motivation to get out of bed, and nothing that is a positive or hopeful for me. That really messes with a relationship.

But on the very last remnants of this clonazepam, life looks easier again. Things make more sense. I don’t think my panic had really hit until the last day of work happened and I moved everything out. I’ve been fallen apart since then. I didn’t even know it was my last day of work until I got there. So that was like, not a lot of transitional time. Me & sudden change? Not so hot.

My self-identity was tied up in that a bit. I didn’t realize it, but I’ve been in a lost, gray world since then. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted or what this was all about. I was just floating and lifeless and gray and foggy and fuzzy and in a gray nothingness in a way I can never hope to explain to someone not presently or recently experiencing it.

Moral is: Anxiety medicine will be my friend this week. Don’t feel shame. And don’t judge me, you. I don’t need it.

I need to be able to think clearly enough to apply for new, part-time work and pack up my stuff from the apartment.

Peace out.

Complaint + Random

I’m behind on journaling.

But meanwhile, I am having insomnia tonight. So here I am. I got upset. Things can be up, then boom. But it’s been okay.

But I don’t have to tell you or justify. I don’t have to rationalize that in all of my silence, I’ve been fine, but now that I’m upset, I want to write. I don’t have to balance the equation. I am what I am, and in this moment, I’m upset.

There’s a move coming up. You guys might remember how well I handle that… /fall apart/

School is well. Busy busy. But I like those days. Structured. Busy. People I’m growing to know, a little bit. Certain people I’m getting to recognize and chat with over studying in the tutoring center, where I spend most of my weeks. It’s almost like making friends, but we’re all busy and don’t have time to meet elsewhere in the city.

I’m sitting in an amazing place. I can’t describe it. I’m in the heart of the city in a modern, top-notch building and I stayed emotionally detached for a couple of months, thinking of it as His and Yours. I was just happening here to spend my time with my bf. But now, now that my bed is here is here and I’ve moved a bit more of my stuff in, and I’ve paid some rent and re-organized parts of the kitchen, and kept the shower and sinks clean. Now it’s mine too. And I’ve grown attached to the streets and the views and the amazing space. I’ll never live in a space this nice again; you’d have to see it and the views and the location to know what I’m referring to. I’ll never be this close to public transport or grocery stores again. Now, now that my bf has set his mind to leaving (he was unsure at first and I encouraged him toward leaving, due to the rent$$). Now that he’s certain of leaving, I’ve realized, I LOVE this place. I’ve even learned a few of the streets.

Oh well. It wasn’t a place I would have chosen at first; I certainly couldn’t afford it rationally. But damn. I’ll miss this. Oops, I’ve woken my bf. I have a cat on my lap.

I’ve been sleeping well lately, but tonight, no go. Partly, I’m in pain. I had some yuck food earlier, I think. Stomach ache, but mostly muscle aches and pains. I was exhausted today. One of the ladies I study with even told me so when I first approached the table; that I look exhausted. Yep. That’s because I didn’t have school yesterday and unstructured days are not my best days.

School days are great.

Hey, I have an opportunity to quit my job. I have chickened out so far. But now it’s right out in the open; I can just give the word that even Fridays are too much for me. THEY ARE. But the money… the money… is hard to give up. But commuting to another city each Friday and catching up on a week’s worth of chores and work has been difficult. Not impossible task-wise, but mentally difficult. Exhausting.

Or rather, I’m likely just still exhausted. I’ve been feeling better since getting to increase my thyroid dose nearly back up to where it used to be. I spent years and years at 100 mcg. My doctor said my tests were borderline high and she is worried about future osteoporosis, so wanted me to try 88 mcg instead. I did that for like… a month? And started to lose motivation! And energy. And drive. And the ability or motivation to do anything, even walk to the grocery store. It was getting bad, but I was still studying. I suspect it’s partly the placebo effect, because AS SOON AS I got permission to take a 100 mcg again, I felt improved THAT SAME DAY. ūüôā ¬†So I am alternating now — 88, then 100, 88, 100 etc. It does seem to affect my heartbeat at the higher dose, unfortunately. I forgot to mention that was another reason for going down on it. I can’t count how many times my heart has done odd beats today alone.

This isn’t to mention that we have to move in less than a month. We probably won’t find anything that fast, not here. So the backup plan is to move in with his dad, who always rents certain rooms of the house. It wouldn’t be free and would be temporary. But I’m concerned about space issues; the kitchen is very small and also, I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn’t feel comfortable touching anything there. I wouldn’t feel on a level playing field, you know? It wouldn’t be the same as finding roommates. I like his dad and I love the location, except it’s not that close to the public transport or grocery stores. But the area is beautiful and neighborhood feels fairly safe, which is important. But the space, again, would my stuff fit into the room? Would we put together my bed and wardrobe there, knowing it would be temporary? So many unknowns.

I knit for a while this evening. It was nice. I’m paranoid/ fairly certain that my bf’s roommate’s gf doesn’t like me. I don’t think I’ve done or said anything offensive, but yet she definitely doesn’t talk with me or make eye contact. I might just be being paranoid. Or she just doesn’t like me.

And should I care? Really? Of course I had an image in mind where the four of us get along and we can even watch a DVD together or some such thing that won’t happen in the next less than a month, but / Got distracted. I’ve been listening to, “Welcome to Night Vale” a lot lately. I’m relistening to an episode right now. I’ve been trying to sooth myself since I got upset earlier. Hence why I’m (finally) typing on here again, too.

I zoned out again. I took some anti-anxiety medicine just before starting to type, too. It must be kicking in now. Yay. I haven’t said what upset me. It was a single spoken sentence. Hmm. Maybe it was 2 sentences, or one sentece with a semi-colon. No matter. It’ll be sorted out tomorrow; I just didn’t want to deal with it tonight.

Kitty is so soft and sweet. Man did she get excited when I came out here to the sofa with my laptop. She’s kneading on me right now. But I’m winding down, and then she and the other kitty will have these rooms to themselves again.

I don’t really want to stop typing. The sound and spring of the keys is very soothing. But I do need to lay down and pretend to be sleeping until it becomes a reality. Well, goodnight all.

Woop, zoning out again. (Listening to Welcome to Night Vale). So. Goodnight, all. Kindly do not judge me or my life. Kindly remember I only come here when I’m upset or emotions run high for one reason or another. It is not a full and balanced view of my life. Etc etc. Goodnight, all.

Log: Jul 29 – Aug 4 (Wed – Tue): Lowered thyroid and mood

Jul 29¬†(Wed):¬†Work; Stayed overnight at my uncle’s, alone
Jul 30 (Thu): Work; Bicycled on bridge while my brother jogged
Jul 31 (Fri): Work;
Aug 01 (Sat): RIVER RAFTING
Aug¬†02¬†(Sun):¬†Dinner w/ Peter’s folks
Aug 03 (Mon): Work;
Aug 04 (Tue): NO THERAPY; Work 8a Р4p; Psychiatrist 5:30p

Wednesday: Work. Went to my aunt and uncle’s house. She was out of town, but my uncle and cousin were there. Peter joined us for dinner and then he left after we watched part of a silly movie, and I stayed and thought I’d sleep better, but slept poorly anyway.

Thursday's Sunset

Thursday’s Sunset

Thursday: Work, but there was little to do, so I ended up watching Stephen Fry videos, inspired by BlahPolar’s blog. They were wonderful but I ended up on the topic of HIV and other things that made me feel quite ill after 4 straight hours on the topic. I felt so yuck at the end of the day, I started to try and contact people. I ended up in contact with my brother. He was actually in the area and about to go jogging on a bridge, so I joined him with my bicycle! It was sooooo beautiful. I felt so much better after that. Even though he thinks my upcoming plans still place me as a mooch / using/abusing the system around me. But I think we got along fine and we then had dinner together and it was really good.

Friday: The morning was strange in that Peter had to leave quickly and I was still getting ready for work. I floated around, doing random, unnecessary things, like deciding now would be a good time to mop part of the bathroom floor. I was still in the process of making myself breakfast when he showed back up — I didn’t know he was coming back after that appointment. But I’ll confess that was infinitely more helpful for me. Especially since I was considering practicing piano briefly after breakfast… Who knows when I’d have actually left for work on my own. Then we left together.

ADDITIONAL, IMPORTANT NOTE: I forgot to take my Lexapro + Thyroid medicine until around 4 pm. That is when¬†I started to feel some odd withdrawal-type symptoms — which¬†is what alerted me to the fact that¬†I¬†hadn’t taken¬†my medicine.

Keyboard Failure

Error message from a couple of days ago

It was this night that I have an odd email to my psychiatrist. After work, I think things felt fine. Peter and I made a dinner for ourselves. We were finishing up when his roommate and a mutual friend of theirs came over, and we all chatted. I was interested and engaged verbally with them when the topic of autism and programmers came up. I learned a different perspective. Then I was clearing up dishes and such and no longer having anything to say, but was sort of listening and wanting them to all keep having a nice time, when Peter’s roommate offered out some whiskey for himself and the friend. It was not offered to me or to Peter. Peter eventually asked if he could have some. I didn’t get up this bravery. (Mind you, I HATE whiskey and would have refused the offer anyway). But I felt so intensely jealous and left out. I went quite insane. My emotions literally took me to what I consider a bit of insanity. I couldn’t get past it. These emotions were building and I knew they have a cabinet where, if I had wanted some alcohol for myself, I could have surely asked and found something I would find palatable, and could have joined them and no longer felt left out. But I didn’t. I finished up the cleanup and then I think I went to my bedroom and sat and thought. It was already very late and dark outside, but I had the option of going outside, just down the street, and bringing myself back a wine cooler or something. Or I could go into a nearby bar and ask for a mixed drink. Or I could cut myself. That was a very, very strong urge. I could go into the kitchen, get a sharp knife that is likely not sterilized, and cut myself, and then have a bandage and another scar to deal with at some future point when I’m no longer feeling this burning and intensity inside.

I looked up how to go to bars alone as a female at night and stay safe. I read some tips online but none seemed that helpful. I was debating how to safely carry my wallet when Peter came to the room. I don’t know what I said to him but he asked if I wanted to go on a walk and I said yes, I was about to go on a walk. He asked if I wanted his company and I can’t recall my response; I was torn because I didn’t want him to leave his friend. I didn’t know that the friend and roommate were out on the deck partaking in marijuana anyway (or that probably would have sent me COMPLETELY over the edge with jealousy/ feeling left out).

But I agreed to his company and I hope I got across that I appreciated it. We walked. My fancy pedometer¬†says I was walking very intensely for 2 hours. It took a while before I would talk about why I was so upset. I felt it was so STUPID and silly, I just wanted to walk off the feelings first and then later be able to talk about it in a detached way. But yeah, I finally talked about it, and I think I’m glad I did. He didn’t think feeling left out was a stupid/silly response.¬†(He also pointed out that he and I are implicitly invited to join, but I’m not sure I could make that assumption). But I insisted my response was incredibly out of proportion to the scenario / fairly insane. I was INCREDIBLY upset for very little reason.¬†(I’m a little concerned that Peter will be wary of people drinking around me in the future, since I reacted to this so strongly. But time will tell.)

We walked so hard that I had to stop at one point. I had been going even with a side stitch, but at the top of one hill, I got too light-headed to continue and ended up laying down on someone’s front steps.

Even when we got back, I was still upset. So I took 1 mg of clonazepam, and an unknown time later emailed my psychiatrist about it. I’m very concerned that the lowered thyroid dose has increased my mood instability. I have definitely felt more melancholy lately, but again, how can I know what is thyroid, versus my usual response to HUGE upcoming life changes?? I am very close to no longer being an employee for the first time since 2002. Even sometime in 2002, I got a part-time job. And I will be a full-time student for the first time since 2003!!! And that’s not to mention that Peter and I are going to buy me a wardrobe and us a bigger bed any day now, which will mark the time I’ll officially move in with him and begin to help pay rent/utilities and whatnot, and will also qualify for his health insurance as an opposite-sex non-married domestic partner (his work has that option). It is scary. But my own premiums went up $60 last month, making them now cost $785.66/month, I kid you not!!!!! But his insurance is much worse for prescription drugs. Instead of a set copay, it’s a percentage of the overall drug cost, which is very bad news if I ever have to take a drug that is costly. My thyroid and iron are very cheap, so that’s fine there, but I’ll have to shop around for the cheapest escitalopram (generic Lexapro). When that first went generic, it was still very expensive. But it’s been a good ‘nother year or two now, so hopefully the cost has gotten lower.

Anyway, I was eventually able to sleep.

River rafting!

River rafting!

Saturday: OMFG!!!! River rafting with Peter and two of my cousins and¬†their dog, I kid you not!!!!!!!!!!!! It was SO FUN. OMG. (One of them is my cousin legally, the other is her fiance, but I count him as my cousin already.) So at the start, one of my cousins was running the car down and then bicycling back to our start position. My other cousin was walking around in the water and getting her dog used to the river (it was his first introduction to water / swimming). Meanwhile, Peter and I got used to the water temperature (it took me a while — I’m a huge chicken for feeling cold). Once in, we swam upshore a little way and watched some kids who were swinging off a tree and dropping off of a rope into the river. I decided to do it! CRAZY. Even though the water level was way down and so the dropping area was quite shallow, I decided to do it, because it’s something I’ve never done before and always thought I’d be too afraid to ever try. It’s good that the kids yelled at me when it was time to let go of the rope, because I’m afraid I would have kept holding on otherwise. It was fun! I touched bottom but I didn’t get hurt. It turned out to be sandy there, not rocky like the rest of the riverbed.

Anyway, there was very little current and so two of us were out of the “raft” at all times, pulling and/or “paddling” it down the river. We didn’t have paddles, but when the bottom was too deep for walking, we used our arms and legs to keep it moving. What a day. I feel terrible because Peter got terribly sunburned, even though we had slathered on sunscreen at the start. Apparently we went too long before re-applying it. Afterward, we all ate out together.

Sunday:¬†I forgot to mention that while all this is going on, my parents and my dog have been out camping!!! I’ve been getting pictures of my dog snoozing with them in a tent. ūüôā It’s so sweet.

Gluten-free-dairy-free-vegan-cheeseburger - image of a slice of lettuce and a slice of tomato on an otherwise empty skillet

Gluten-free-dairy-free-vegan-cheeseburger Meme

I have no records regarding what I did on Sunday. If I remember right, the day started very slowly and I had a killer time getting out of bed, yet again. At some point, we walked and I looked in a shop, and then we ate fries somewhere as a lunch-snack, because we were scheduled to eat with Peter’s folks for dinner (they were generously sharing a $100 coupon with us, from his dad’s work). We ate dinner with them and it was really good. We went to an Indian restaurant because they were trying so hard to make sure I’d have something to eat! My eating is a pain in the @$$, let me tell you. I’m going to try going back onto barley in the next couple of months.

PTA: Gluten-free, lactose-intolerant¬†pescatarian. That’s what I am right now. PTA.

Monday: Work. Slow at first and I was able to post pictures of the rafting trip for my cousins. Then it got super busy and I had to stay a couple of hours late, but that was fine. Peter was late too, so we met around 8 pm and ate out. Then we got ready for bed. I tried to sleep in the bed, even if it meant I wouldn’t sleep well, but it actually turned out his very bad sun burn was causing him to be super ticklish and my hair kept bumping it, so I decided to sleep on the floor anyway. And I was able to fall asleep at some point, so I’m glad I moved down there. I’m too alert/aware to fall asleep, otherwise. I’m so anxious about having to flop around and wake the other person, I can’t relax enough to fall asleep.

Tuesday: Work. It’s slow so far, as you can see. Later, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist.

Mood Ranking for all of these various days: 2 (Friday, such strong self-injury feelings count as a 2; in my book, there’s only one step lower) – 5 (Bicycling on the bridge with my brother; River rafting w/Peter and my cousins)

Log: May 26 + 27 (Tue + Wed) Medical worries

May 26 (Tue):  Therapy 8:30a; Work 10:30a Р5:30p;
May 27 (Wed): Primary care dr appt 11a; Work 1:15p Р5:30p;

Indian Paintbrush

Indian Paintbrush from some days ago (one of my favorite flowers)

Tuesday: Insomnia until around 4a or so. Slept a few hours, woke up drenched in sweat and having a nightmare (ex-related, again). Somehow made it to therapy, late. Was a little irritable at first. Made it to work. Nothing to do but I didn’t go crazy from it this time. I stayed occupied. Visited Peter after work and we cooked+ate, went grocery shopping, and then to bed. Only, I had a stomach ache and my shoulders were stiff and I so I couldn’t sleep. At all. Finally, a few hours before waking time, I got up, did stretches, and took a lorazepam tablet (they don’t make me sleepy, so that’s why I chose that one). I also asked for more space so I could stretch out more on the bed, and then I did sleep for a bit of time. (I wasn’t miserable about the insomnia, though, because I was in Peter’s arms the whole time and it’s incredibly sweet. If you’re not going to be asleep, this is the next best way to spend a night.)

I think my shoulders were so stiff because I’d been bicycling the day with a REALLY heavy, bulky load both tied to my bike and in my backpack.

Wednesday: It’s Wednesday! It’s silly and cliche but I’m rather happy. Let me first explain what’s happened so far today. Oohh boy.

First, OMG it was hard to get out of bed. But nice anyway, because Peter was there, and I made us very late because I was so tired. But finally I got up and we showered, cooked + ate breakfast, and were on our ways to work… Sort of. I realized that it would take me an hour to bicycle from work to my dr appt, so I didn’t even go to work. I went straight to my doctor’s appointment and was only about 20 minutes early. I snoozed in the waiting room.

So for the appointment, my suspected yeast infection was confirmed¬†(that’s the second one in like a month, which mark the ONLY two I’ve ever had in my whole, entire life). But she wasn’t really sure about the bumps in my mouth. I expressed concern. She did a swab for culture for herpes, but says there’s a 30% chance that it will say negative but actually just be missing if I have it. So basically, if it’s a Yes, it’s a Yes. If it’s a No, it only means “maybe not”.

She also gave me the vaccine for tetanus, diphtheria, and pertussis. AND gave me lab orders to have my thyroid re-checked AND a bunch of STD things. Again. Yay me. I’ll be really glad to have these results. Although she warned me that it’ll cost me $1000 if my insurance doesn’t at least help control what the lab can charge me. So yeah. My fear of my body’s health far outweighed my money anxiety, so I said, we’re doing this today.

I had a blood test

I had a blood test

I biked straight to the lab, brought my bike up and everything because I hadn’t been anticipating this today and hadn’t had my bike locks with me. Got my blood drawn, got a cute panda sticker that says, “I HAD A BLOOD TEST”, swung by my uncle’s house to pick up a few important items I’d left behind (like, um, my thyroid and antidepressant medication), and then off to work I went. He wasn’t there, so I thought he might be at work.

I chose to bike the whole way to work. It takes about as much time as catching the trains anyway. And I feel SO MUCH better after a bike ride. I just love it. IF ONLY I could make myself ride my bike next time I’m in a funk, but I know I won’t have the motivation for it.

So I’m at work. I don’t see my uncle. Or anybody, for that matter (they are not being lazy — it means they are out ‘in the field’ somewhere). I accomplished a couple of random, brief tasks for work and now… I wait for phones to ring or people to need to be let into the building or have things faxed or… I study online on Khan Academy because that site is just awesome.

Jelly fish sailer

Jelly fish sailer, some days ago

After work, Peter + I are going to cook something but we haven’t actually decided what yet. We have so much trouble with that!

I got invited, possibly, to a family event in DC. I say possibly because after Peter invited me, he then remembered that he should first ask his cousin if he minds me there too. It’s for a Bar Mitzvah. Some of my family is Jewish but I have never been to one before, so it would be pretty neat for me. It’s in like a month from now, so obviously $$$ would be a concern for me, if I do get invited and if I do end up able to attend.

For now, Khan Academy and maybe try to think of something for dinner.

Log: Apr 16 (Thu) (Comic#035)

Apr 16 (Thu): Work 9:30a – 5:30p, Music Practice 6p @Peter’s

So apparently the 1 mg of clonazepam I took last night was much too much for me at that time. Because I have no recollection of having written that doggy love poem. Or sketching the accompanying picture. Or saying Hi to my friend, “Joe”, but I have texts proving that I said hi before I went to sleep.

I went to sleep early and was so out of it, I couldn’t bring myself to brush my teeth or use the toilet, or put on clothes. I just fell asleep. My alarm clock didn’t succeed in getting me out of bed this morning, although I did hear it enough to snooze it three times. Then it was suddenly somewhat late in the morning (11ish?) and I hurriedly got ready for work.

I’m still tired. My intestines seem to have finally normalized again (they’ve been off since days ago when I accidentally ate cheese).

I was very productive at work today. I accomplished everything I needed to get done! And I was able to focus on it the whole time, which is amazing. Now I need to wash the dishes and gather the garbage from all of the different cans.

You guys would be proud of me. Days or more ago, I told “Peter” that I hoped I wasn’t intruding by staying the night again that night, and he said not at all, that he’d be just as happy if I moved in altogether. I didn’t really respond, but I was beaming on the inside.

And guess what. I didn’t do it. If ya’ll know me well enough, I don’t follow through on my own personal boundaries very often or very well. My mind changes and moves with the breeze. Of COURSE I want to move in with “Peter” and his roommate. Of COURSE.

But I’m listening to my inner voice instead. It tells me that we haven’t known each other long enough. It tells me that immediate feelings don’t matter. It tells me that I blanked all red flags with my ex because I was too close with him too quickly. It tells me not to repeat past mistakes. It tells me to move more slowly than is my instinct or desire.

Would it remove some of my current stessors? YES!!!
Would it add new ones I can’t predict until doing it? YES

So instead, I am staying over multiple times a week. Flipping locations is very exhausting for me– that is why I drugged myself to sleep early last night. It’s worth it, but it’s exhausting. I don’t want to fuck this up from being impatient.

Of COURSE I could still find something about him that I cannot live with (or more likely, just don’t want to live with). Then where would I be?

… Oh, but it is fun to think about when I have free moments. I think about how the cats would have to be locked out of the bedroom at all times. I think about how I’d run an air filter in there, and also add the allergen barrier bedding. Where would I put my own belongings – which corner could I claim as my space, so I wouldn’t feel like a guest, but that I belong in one location. My laptop. My clothes. My paperwork file. My backpacks. My books wouldn’t be a problem.

I just have a few belongings...

I just have a few belongings…

I’m not moving anywhere; it’s just really, really fun to think about the details of it. I much prefer pondering happy thoughts to the old anxiety-provoking thoughts that used to constantly pop into my head.

Anyway, the rest of today will get logged later. Today’s Mood Ranking: 5-6

P.S. Two new-to-me songs I LOVE:

“The Last Watch” by Stan Rogers

“White Squall” by Stan Rogers ((Very Sad)):