Poem: Happy Father’s Day

I don’t want to be apart from those I love
Any longer.
Homesickness comes in waves
They spread in and expand
The foam pops and crackles.

I don’t want to live away from those I love
Anymore.

I MISS you. I’ve been missing you too much
For days
The feeling has been hard to bear.

To clarify, I’ve been on an emotional
Rollercoaster
Which gradually inched its way uphill
But fell from the track, straight down
Free fall.

But now you’ve tripped
Stumbled
Fallen
Getting stitches in your swollen lip
And a CAT scan of your head
And few memories,
Again.

And I’m so far away.

I can’t give you a hug.
I can’t spend my every minute of every hour with you.

I want to be with you both again.

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Ponies and such

It’s hard to look into the eye of a life change that already happened without you acknowledging it. I moved away a couple of years ago and left my pony behind out of necessity. It’s becoming more “real” that she won’t be mine and I’ve been feeling completely numb and irritable for the past few days.

It’s a GOOD thing for my pony; the lady who wants her is very dominant– exactly what my pony needs in order to listen and stay safe. They’re both full of energy. It should be a good fit. But it’s hard. I’m selfish and “want” this horse to be mine forever. I’ve had her for a very long time. She was still pretty young when I first got her; now she is at least 11.

But it’s the giving up of the horse world. I wonder if I resent that I got involved with a human that isn’t into horses and doesn’t want to live with them on his property. In a past life, I would have found that unacceptable. Now, year by year my old life slips away.

I’m in a city and there are things about that that I like. I like that there are always people around, and their energy. I like all the street lights and people and in some ways, I feel safer in this environment than I ever did alone in the woods.

But at the same time, I don’t feel like I’m home and I don’t expect to live in a city forever. Home is where the horses are. Home is where the mountains are. Home is where the forests are.

I don’t know if I’ll ever make it back home. But I am telling myself that I want to stay here until I get this Accounting degree. AFTER that, I will be free to leave. AFTER it, I will be free to find a horsey place and breathe them and hear them and feel their steps around me. I’ll have a dog again (maybe foster dogs). I will make this happen AFTER I get a degree. It should take 2 or 3 more years.

This is life and I must remember to breathe and enjoy the scents here. There are trees around. There is sometimes a very strong sun and warmth on my face. I might feel lonely at times, but I’m certainly never alone here. It’s strange to me that there isn’t a single horse barn in the city. Not a single one. I guess real estate in populated areas would make it unaffordable, since horses need a lot of room. But it’s too bad. Wouldn’t people pay a bundle for carriage rides through parks?

If this is all there is to life, it will be okay. I am getting outside to walk a lot now (thanks to Pokémon Go– which will certainly cause some of you to pull back with some disdain). It’s also got my out and bicycling quite a bit. I’m getting lots of outdoor exercise. What more could I want from life? (Other than to go back to my old-old life, with my parents and my dog, and my pony at the first barn, and gardening and painting and writing and drawing and watching “The Dog Whisperer”…) Funny that the time I’d look back on as my favorite was from a couple of years after my failure at college, and after my Asperger diagnosis, just chilling with my folks, working parttime (at a high-paying job that was very difficult for me) and taking care of my animals and plants. THAT was LIFE.

So I am doing a little bit of “life” right now, with the outdoor exercising. I drew a picture the other day. I knit a tiny bit yesterday (first time in years). But I’m so, so numb right now. Hopefully it will pass quickly. I do need to solidify the transfer of ownership of my pony, however.

Log: May 4 (Mon) More on meal plans

May 4 (Mon): Work 9:30a – 5:30p, Make dinner with “Peter”, study Accounting for at least a half hour, look up jobs, go to bed by 9:30p (no joke)

I’m beat. I’m exhausted. I’m on the verge of falling apart. You could probably tell by the tone of my previous post — it focused on some negative. I’m just way too tired. I’m going to go to bed early tonight and take some of my clonazepam this time. Must sleep. (You’d think I’d learn to take pain medicine before sleep when I have bad menstrual cramps, but no.)

Work today is okay. I got really mad at one point. It was over “fairness” or justice. Someone said something unfair and I got really mad because of it. I told them why (not that I was mad, just the “why” of what had happened that they had been unfair about). I’m over it now.

These PBJs are AWESOME. What $$$ savers!!!!! Thank goodness. I’m not going to eat out for lunch at all this month. I need to make a big batch of these sandwiches and put them in the freezer.

There’s SOOOO DAMN MUCH I want to DO. But there’s so much all at once that it’s overwhelming and it’s hard to do any of it at all.

Okay. Food plans. I could buy a container of hummus and a baggy of carrots to keep at work for snacks. To supplement the PBJs. And some apples and oranges. That’s all I would ever need for lunch. Breakfast has been eggs. Variable sides: A piece of bacon, a piece of toast with homemade plum jam, slices of apple, slices of orange, sauerkraut, chunks of potato, avocado, dairy-free yogurt. Tea has been a constant.

So breakfast and lunch are pretty well set. Now I need to get control of dinner. This morning, “Peter” suggested salad for dinner and that we’ll stop at the grocery store after work. So I’m trying to figure out salads that would have some protein and fiber (fiber is easy with salad, but the complete protein is not necessarily easy, unless you’re adding meat or something).

These look interesting, except the quinoa one doesn’t really include any fruits or veggies, which seems to contradict her claim that she makes this as a “meal”: http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/5-healthy-protein-packed-spring-salad-recipes.html

Complete Proteins (from this site):

  • Quinoa
  • Buckwheat (which is not a wheat and is gluten-free, btw)
  • Hempseed
  • Chia
  • Soy
  • Mycoprotein (Quorn) (sort of kind of a little bit considered a mushroom; often bound with egg whites)
  • Rice-and-beans (OR rice-and-chickpeas OR rice-and-lentils OR pita-and-hummus (can sub a lot of the beans with each other) (can sub rice and wheat and corn with each other))
  • Ezekiel bread (which is delicious but not gf)
  • Seitan (wheat gluten but only if mixed with soy broth, to complete the protein)
  • Spirulina with Grains or Nuts

Interesting and completely random article I stumbled across: http://greatist.com/happiness/why-i-killed-a-chicken

Here’s a random idea that appeals to me: “Use warm cooked quinoa as a breakfast option for a grain that packs more protein than traditional cereals. Combine it with a little milk, applesauce, cinnamon, and a sliced apple for a delicious breakfast.” From this site. This could help me to figure out how to eat something other than eggs every morning.

Soon, I will be leaving, dropping my bike off at “Peter’s”, and then heading to the grocery store. What will I buy for dinner? Think salad. Hmm. I just found the recipe for my old favorite Confetti Rice. Nice. Okay, I’m going to wash the dish and take out the garbage and then leave. Today’s Mood Ranking (subject to change): 4-5 (it was a 4 all the way up until all of this food reading and finding that Confetti Rice recipe; now I’m feeling content & fine again; hang on, how am I going to tell my uncle that I’m staying out again tonight? I just know it’s going to upset him at some point out of worry for me — he knows I don’t believe in spending too much time with any one person; I think it’s unhealthy in the long-run. And here I am doing exactly that.) My conscience is eating at me about it a little bit, actually. I know I’m doing the wrong thing and here I am doing it anyway. Why? Why don’t I just contact “Peter” right now and say I’m not coming over tonight?

But honestly I think I’ll get more accomplished if I go. We have plans to make dinner, which itself I consider a HUGE accomplishment for me. HUGE. MAJOR. Changing of the meaning of my life. Then we have plans to do our own solo computer work that we want to do (for me, it will involve about 1 hour of job-searching and at least 30 minutes of studying Accounting, and there are two other computer-related things I want to work on tonight).

If I go to my aunt and uncle’s place (she is home again now), it will be because I feel that I haven’t “caught up” socially with my uncle in over a week and that’s making me very anxious. I’m worried about him anyway, but I just. I don’t know. I feel like I should spend some quiet time with him, chilling in front of a stupid movie, his sports, MMA fighting, whatever it is that’s on. If it’s for me or for him that I want to do this, I couldn’t tell you. But I can tell you that I feel as if I “should” do that very, very soon. Before something bad happens. (What bad thing is going to happen? Is it necessarily “wrong” that I am spending all of this extra time with “Peter” right now? My mood has slipped a little and I’m exhausted, but aside from that, I don’t feel like it’s changing me fundamentally, which is my biggest fear. But maybe it is and I just haven’t caught on yet. And I’m getting SO MUCH accomplished. We’ve done so many things. Helping cook is its own miracle, but all of the walking and stuff that I’ve been doing is another. I’m still motivated for getting out of bed with him and for showering nearly daily and stuff. Things I didn’t think were possible. I really hope those bubbles don’t burst; I hope this will someday just become habit.

Log: Apr 20 (Mon)

Apr 20 (Mon): Work 9:30a – 5:30p

Bee today

Bee today

Today, “Peter” and I woke up and got ready for work. I made the eggs and he made an assortment of other delicious items. At the time, I felt insecure that I wasn’t helping enough. Right as I type this, I’m calm and … whatever. I am trying and excited about it.

We parted ways at his train stop. I did not bicycle today because my legs are still sore from the tree planting. Parting is hard but in some ways pleasant. He makes me want to be better. He makes me want to be independent. He makes me want to cook and want to not be clingy and want to feel confident in my position in life.

But last night, with him, I was very insecure again. I will have to spend less time with him for now, get the focus off of me, find other things to do and people to chat with. I like him very much and the insecurity is going to make me crazy if I let it.

I have to add in some more space. He’s very good at that and it makes me want it. But do I want it for me or do I want it because he seems to want it? No. I want it because it will allow for a healthier relationship, if we stay together a while.

SO. I am sleeping alone tonight. I read a book in the sun for a while today. It will be hard if he makes any offers, but I will sleep alone tomorrow night, too. How about that.

What I’m excited about is what I learned about the Accounting stuff I’ve gotten interested in. It means I have to go back to school, where I live. So it’s opening up a whole new world of ideas to explore, and that’s cool. It’s just kind of overwhelming to know where to start.

I’m so tired. These cleaning chemicals of my uncle’s are making my entire skull hurt. I’ve done a lot of walking lately. Today’s Mood Ranking: 4-5

Log: Apr 17 (Fri) Falling apart (Comic#036)

Apr 17 (Fri): Work 9:30a – 5:30p

I’m falling apart today, I am so tired. I’m on the verge of a melt down.

I need to go home and get some extra snoozing in. This exhaustion is making me somewhat paranoid and insecure.

This is how I feel about myself + dating at present:

Wait, no. How about you DON'T get to know me??

Wait, no. How about you DON’T get to know me??

Tomorrow, I need to decide between attending the tree planting or the special lake cleanup day. I haven’t checked with “Peter” to see if he’s planning on either of them. I get this way when I spend ‘too much’ time with anyone in particular — afraid to contact them or see them any more, because I get convinced that too much of my company will make them hate me.

And so it goes.

Actual log: Woke up at “Peter’s”, and it was lovely but I was still insecure. Got showered quickly, helped make breakfast, feel like I’m not pulling my weight, (WHY did I have to lose my glorious self-confidence of weeks ago?), made it to work at a good time. Haven’t had much to to do at work today, although yesterday and the day before had been quite busy. I’m glad; I’m too tired to do much today. I want to leave early and go home and sleep, but what will I do for food? I wish I could just eat a can of dog food and be okay.

[Update: I took 1 mg of clonazepam this time, I believe, EARLY, and I slept very well for the entire night and had plenty of energy for the next day’s tree planting and walking. 🙂 ]  Today’s Mood Ranking: 4