Dog and Cat

  1. I’ve got to say that there is a dog in the animal shelter right now who really needs to be adopted. If any of you are looking for a dog, please check out your animal shelters. I can’t believe this dog is still available.
  2. There’s a cat in the neighborhood who doesn’t appear to belong to anybody. We first found him inside of our house, eating our cats’ food. (My bf’s mom’s cats’ food is long to type, so I’m calling them mine in this blog post.) Anyway. Unfortunately, the kitties weren’t exceptionally accepting of the intruder (there was a little scuffle). So I try very hard to feed these cats in the morning so there isn’t a lot of dry stuff laying around during the day for stray cat to come in and eat. It’s complicated and I’m distracted so I’m not writing it out well. Anyway, it’s funny. Because all it took was the sound of piteous mewing outside the window on a windy night for me to decide I want to adopt an animal.

The stray wants to come inside when it’s cold and windy out at night. But it isn’t my house so I’m not allowed. It isn’t just about the cats getting along — I know I could get them to be friendly with each other. But first would be taking the strange cat into a vet, scan for microchip, do vet tests, spend money I don’t have. Get kicked out from living here. You know the drill. So really I should bring the cat to the animal control to scan for microchip. It’s so people-friendly and so much wants to come inside, Well, I’m distracted and have no idea what I’ve typed here, so I’m going to post it. Sorry, anyone reading this.


There’s got to be something.
My psychiatrist isn’t sure if I’m a bit depressed and need medical adjustment, or if it’s situational, what with the massive life changes I’m making and what not.
At this moment, I think my uncle is mad at me. I haven’t been staying in contact with him lately.

I’m staying in contact with my mom and my bf. That’s all, as of right now. It takes it all out of me, to keep up that much.

I’m staying caught up in school. Maybe too well. Not that I’m getting A’s, but I’m really staying caught up with homeworks and stuff. I’m putting everything into it. I’m often up until 11pm with homeworks and whatnot.

I’m irritable. I’m cranky. My eyes burn holes in things around me sometimes. I think I’d like to scream. Or eat less or exercise more, because I’m definitely spending so much money on food. I’m too tired to cook much right now, and am eating out A. LOT. It makes me hate myself a little bit. Because it’s SO wasteful. SO wasteful. And then I just feel bad about myself and my spending and I’m not exercising enough, and it all comes out as this yuck feeling toward everything around me.

So I’m cranky. And there are medical things I need to catch up on. Like my doctor referred me to a gynocologist because of those abnormal cells on a PAP and now a touch of irregular bleeding, but I just haven’t gotten around to making the appointment.

It’s all too much for me right now. I’m exhausted in the sense that I just don’t have the energy to do anything else, or start anything else, or research anything else, or look up names of doctors or see if they’re in my new health insurance’s network or anything. It’s too bloody much!

There are things I want to do, but after class, I’m done. I’m toast. I just want to crawl home and once I’m home, I’m okay again. I can set up my computer and my books or whatever and get to studying again. But I can’t think about traveling or visiting my uncle or my brother. I can’t think of going to work, out in that other city. I can’t volunteer or go to a beach or a go on a hike or hardly even a walk!!!!!!! My bike is neglected. Everything in my life outside of schoolwork and house chores is neglected right now.

I want that to change. I want to DO things again, I want to have some drive and energy. I still have the desire, so I know I’m not seriously depressed yet. But oh my god it is going to get close. You know??? I want to volunteer at an animal shelter. I want to spend time with dogs.

Do I want to keep living here?

  • IF NOT, THEN I …?

My psychiatrist helped me to compile a “short list” of some of the doctor appointments I need to schedule, and gave me a one-week time frame in which to accomplish the calls. I am thankful; I hope I will make the calls soon. Tomorrow, actually. I would like to make the calls tomorrow. Perhaps I can do that around lunch time… which will hopefully not overlap with the offices’ lunch times.

School is going well and I even have a couple of acquaintances from the classes. There are several people who are in more than one of my classes, so that is fun. I love getting to chat with familiar faces there.

Poem. Let’s get random. Doggy love.

This is clonazepam-inspired. It hit hard because I haven’t taken it in a long time. I can only open one eye right now and everything is quite floaty.

And I feel a tension leaving me that I didn’t realize was there.

Playing with sock toy

Playing with sock toy

I need to shake this off.
Like a dog shedding water
Twist and whirl away the droplets

Shake to the tip of your tail
And gaze up happily at me
Look me in the eye and waggle your whole, wound-up body.

Then tense. Look off. Uncoiled spring of energy headed all around the house
Full speed, scampering and scrambling across hard, wooden floors, turning corners too tightly
and tearing off 180° back the way you came.

You are joy. You are heart. You are excitement. You are comedy. You are love.

You hop your way to the toy bin and grab a folded pair of socks, run about with your prize
Shake it and snap its neck. It’s dead. One sock goes flying the other way.

You drop it and sprint off in another direction, with an energy that cannot die, cannot fade, will stay in this very moment of time forever.

I love you.

Con: Dogs Kept Off Leash In Cities (Comic#034)

Walk Time?

Walk Time?

I finally have a moment to write out this topic that’s been bugging me for a while. Some time back, I was shown a picture in a newspaper or something of a person walking their 7 German shepherds around in a city off leash. They’re wonderfully trained, obedient, and behaved.

I’m pro-animal with a particular love of dogs as pets and desire my dog to accompany me EVERYWHERE. So you might expect me to enjoy walking around a city with these well-trained, loose dogs following close behind their owners’ heels?


I’m not impressed. When I am out in the middle of nowhere, in the woods, in the mountains, in a field, on a working ranch, at a dog park, etc., I am great with dogs off leash. I had a horse I used to let run free and wild in a giant old hay field (she wouldn’t go far because I kept my dominant mare on a lead line). I’m great with loose animals and they’re beautiful to watch and it’s lovely to see, etc.

But in a city, or wherever there is heavy foot traffic (let alone heavy vehicular traffic), I appreciate dogs on a leash. Even the top-notch, obedient, never-leave-their-owner’s-side dogs. Why? There are a couple of reasons.

  1. Respect for others.
    1. I believe it is disrespectful of other people. There are many people who have a fear of dogs. It is not fair to force those around you to walk past a loose dog on a narrow sidewalk. I have had people scared to pass me and my little, cute-n-fluffy dog even when he was friendly and on a leash at my side. Until you have seen people with a fear of dogs, you really cannot imagine what it is like. To you, it may be obvious that your dog is no threat, but not everyone will feel that way as you pass by them.
    2. Let’s get personal for a minute. My ex was scared of dogs. He had PTSD from getting attacked many times by his parents’ dogs as a child. He has scars all over his arms from them. When he passes by a dog – any dog – he has a full-body reaction. You cannot imagine the amount of adrenaline and other things that get triggered. Stress levels go way up. That means a higher likelihood of him taking it out on hopefully inanimate objects later, too. It takes a LONG time to calm the whole body back down. Certain breeds trigger the reaction more strongly than other breeds, but they all did it. A loose dog was an incredible stress, even when it is far in the distance.
  2. Respect for others. This time for their property. How many times have I looked over and seen that loose dog fall slightly behind their owner, poop on someone’s lawn, and then catch back up and the owner has no clue that they need to go back and clean up after their dog. That’s not cool.
  3. Safety for the dog. I don’t care how well-trained your dog is. What if your dog is stung by a bee and jumps just one foot off the sidewalk? Now your dog could be hit by a car and you have no way of pulling him back to safety.
  4. Safety for the dog. Sometimes it is not your dog, but a dog you are passing, that is the perpetrator of an attack. My own dog is guilty of this. If a loose dog runs up to him on leash, he is going to try to fight.

Please take your dog’s safety and everybody else’s safety and comfort into mind when deciding whether or not to leash up your dog for your urban walk. Please save your off-leash ventures for the less trafficked areas.



Verbena Flowers

I just have a few things to share. Today was better. I’m going to finish this post and then vacuum, if nobody comes home first. I’m alone right now and it’s nice. No pressure. No eggshells.

I think my mom figured it out, though. She knows her brother pretty well and she has helped me to understand other people’s motivations a lot over the years. She thought about it all night (actually, she had insomnia last night because this was on her mind; I may have expressed my frustrations to her yesterday). She thinks a big chunk of why my uncle has amped up his vocalizing of his disapproval and his side comments toward me is because of my tardiness to work. He probably feels like he can’t fire me, but since January 1 of this year, I have been very bad at showing up to work at any decent hour. So obviously, with any other employee, he’d want to fire their asses. But he probably feels like he can’t fire me, so instead his frustration and disapproval is coming out at me in other ways, in personal life.

I don’t plan to be tardy now that we’re at the new location. I was freaking out since back then because of the impending move, but the move has happened now (P.S. “Joe” did nearly all of the packing. I did the two cabinets of office and shipping supplies, since that’s like my little “happy place” of office life, but basically nothing else. Even when it came time to pack up my own desk I just froze and didn’t do it). I have been showing up at the same time as my uncle since we moved, except for today, when I had therapy in the morning and then waited a little extra time so I could meet “Joe” at the train station and walk with him the rest of the way to work. (My uncle never went to the office before, but will be doing so now that it is in this new location.) (P.P.P.P.S. Today was “Joe’s” last day of helping out at the office.)

I do not plan to be late, but I know myself and some of my negative qualities. If I feel like I’m being micro-scoped about what time I leave the house, I’m going to get later and later because I’ll be afraid of showing my face / opposed to showing my face.

So what I need to do is take this into my own hands and basically leave the house without being noticed and show up like it’s just any other job, not an analyzed “thing”. You know what I mean? If it’s a big “thing”, I’m going to end up avoiding it like the plague. If it’s ignored, it won’t be a big deal to me either.

In therapy, we decided that I need to move out, because I *am* dependent on my aunt and uncle right now, and so I will be treated as a dependent.

If I moved out, I could even stay at that job, hypothetically. If I went back to full time work, I could even switch to their benefits. But then I’d have to switch doctors, therapist, psychiatrist. But I just don’t know.

I got excited at the thought of finding other people to rent a room from, if I can find someone who would allow me to get a DOG. Can you imagine? I know, I said I had to sell my pony before I let myself get a dog. But can you just imagine it? Me and a hypoallergenic dog? What if I found a place near an animal rescue site? What if I could work and live near animal rescue? What if I could work AT an animal rescue place? Ah dreams!!!

I know I’m in a pretty good mental state right now because I’m able to think of being alive for the next several months. That’s so much better than when I first arrived here and could only project ahead a few days tops. Now that I’ve pictured getting a dog and living independently, I don’t know if I can shove that back down. Imagine me having my very own refrigerator??? I don’t cook but I can put together sandwich ingredients. I can keep carrots and hummus in stock. Etc. I think I’d survive all right food-wise now (I didn’t feel I could do that when I first arrived, either).

So I know that being here has been very healthy for me. But now that I’m feeling so much better, I feel that itch for independence and adulthood again…

This time, I’ll get it right.

And OMG I want my own dog again. I miss my baby. I want to get the same breed as him because he was so much the perfect match for me. But my previous therapist was quite certain that I should get a wheaton terrier, because they are apparently the top-rated service animal for people on the autistic spectrum. Apparently, they are hypoallergenic, large enough to not be fragile (my favorite breed is very fragile), and are supposed to have a very good temperament. She said they are much more level-headed and calm than any of the -doodles (labradoodles, goldendoodles, etc), making them very good for people on the spectrum.

My baby couldn’t be a service dog because he is just as sensitive to loud sounds and sudden movements as me, and is also fragile enough that I have to worry for his safety each time we pass by another dog.

BUT I like a little dog. First, their poops are much easier to address. Second, I figure that if I am ever out on a mountain with my small dog and he were to get hurt, I could easily carry him back. Third, I’ve always wanted a lap dog. Fourth, I could easily crate a small dog for travel. (In fact, here, I would only be able to take a small dog with me in a crate on the train, unless a big dog was certified as a service animal.) [[ADDITION: Fifth, they eat less.]]

But, why would I get a dog if not for being certified as a service animal? So I don’t need to be concerned about that part — the travel part. Whatever dog I were to get would be a service animal.

Then there is another catch, which is that I do not want to support a breeder (except for the woman who bred my beloved dog. I know her and she’s not a mass breeder and not in it for the profit. But on principle, I don’t really want to support a breeder). I want to support rescue animals. But because of my allergies, I am rather stuck with pure-breed animals. I would have to find rescue groups for either of the two dog breeds I decide between, both of which, I think, are a bit more rare than a lot of other breeds. There are plenty on PetFinder, though. So it’s possible. | Okay, I am looking at all the dogs on PetFinder, now [i.e., I’m “in my happy place” and will be there a while] (although I must rehome my pony first anyway, which will be killer hard emotionally). ‘Later everyone.

PRO: Folks who know when to rehome a beloved animal

Beloved pets

Beloved pets

Who else has seen people unconditionally BASH other people for putting an animal up for adoption / rehoming? You hear things like “your dog is family; you CANNOT rehome him.” “You have no soul.” “How could you do such a horrible thing?” My most beloved horse rescue group has actually issued a statement that they will NOT adopt out a horse to anybody who has ever given an animal to rescue before.

While I CAN SEE how the statement can apply to SOME PEOPLE who do part with animals without consideration to the animal (some for profit, some because they don’t want to deal with an elderly animal, etc), please, if you’ll allow me, I’d like to point out a few items that I would like people to consider before making blanket statements such as that.

You cannot know what the other person’s life situation is like at that moment. It might appear obvious that someone is heartlessly dumping an animal, but please pause and consider:

  • Perhaps there is an illness in the family and they cannot give the time the animal deserves. When stress in a family is high, it can be so draining on an emotional level that there is just no ability or energy left to care for the beloved animals.
  • Perhaps there is a financial change and they are at their wit’s end of making ends meet and recognize that pet food comes secondary to people food, and can’t bear to watch the animal’s weight drop.
  • Perhaps a family member has developed a new, severe allergy to the animal (This one is so easy for other people to judge! “Oh, take some allergy medicine then, idiot!” “So run an air filter!” “Bathe and brush the animal every day. Duh.” But until you have lived every day and night with terrible allergies and had your immune system and sleep and skin and overall HEALTH break down slowly because of it, you REALLY don’t know what it’s like).
  • Perhaps the ANIMAL is unhappy. There are matches between owner and pet that turn out to be very wrong — the pet needs FAR more exercise and stimulus than the busy, working owners can provide. The pets rehomed have a whole new shot at a busy, adventurous life! I know several people who have done this for their pet.
  • Perhaps the ANIMAL has the medical issue. I KNOW it looks horrible to see the ads of people rehoming animals with medical needs but think about it. Not everybody is able to provide the necessary care. Not everybody has the finances! Not everybody has the dominance needed in some cases to administer the care to an unwilling animal. Not everybody has the time to provide the level of medical attention the animal needs throughout the day. Sometimes there is the option of euthanizing the animal or seeing if an able home will take the pet in.

There are SO many other possible scenarios.

My personal stories:
I have personally parted with 3 cats, 2 horses, and my beloved dog.

  • My first pony. She went to a very good home when I went away to college. It was very traumatic for me and was not at all what I wanted to do. When I came back from college, however, her “children” loved her too much and she was too happy. I did not ask for her back, like was the arrangement.
  • My first two cats are with my ex, or else he has rehomed them. I do not know.
  • My almost first cat, I rehomed quickly. We adopted her the day before her euthanasia day and I fell in love with her. But I was so allergic, I couldn’t sit with her for even 5 minutes. It was very sad. She was very beautiful, regal, and friendly. My boss at the time took her in! And she fit in SO PERFECTLY with their family and her child human writes elementary school poetry about their “good” cat. 🙂
  • One of my horses, I had shipped to a rescue in a different state, for financial reasons. I’m still not sure I made the right choice on which horse I kept — One of them had to go, so I kept the one who costs literally half as much to feed. But I was very connected with the horse who went to rescue. She also had medical issues so nobody in my state would touch her with a ten foot pole. I had planned to get her back once my finances are stable again, but firstly, when will I ever have finances? and secondly, they have already stated they will not adopt out to someone who has given up an animal to rescue… My own state’s rescue offered to euthanize her for free. Instead, she has lived years now in the most wonderful, hay-filled field with other horses she gets along with (they have sent me many pictures over the years). Once I have a month with some extra money, I am going to donate to them again.
  • My beloved boy (my dog). He will live out the rest of his life with my parents. He is so blissfully happy with them, and they are in love with him. He has the best life any dog could ever hope for. I only wish I could be living there, too.
  • My current pony, who lives out of state still. I’d like to have her here but realistically, I don’t see how I’d ever leave the house to go visit her. So instead, I will surely have to part with her. I chatted with someone yesterday about giving her to them for free (I know the person and he would treat her fairly and ride often). But she is a tough one to rehome because she doesn’t get along with other horses (she’s not just the most dominant mare; she’s kind of mean to the other horses).

Anyway, please don’t judge someone because they have rehomed or given up an animal. While there can be cases of poor intentions, please don’t assume that is the case. In many cases, it will be best for the animal.

It’s me. (Goals#010) (Journal#051)

I just did something really fun. I took my bicycle and Bailey down to a long, flat road, waited for the cars to pass, and then let her run with me. At first, she sort of kept by my side, just trotting along, and then a bit of a canter, so I sped up to keep up. Then it’s like she realized she could really let out some steam, and she started flat out running, so I sped up more to keep along side her. I’m pretty sure she’d report to you that she tasted some doggy heaven. You could see it in her whole body: WOOO HOOOOO!!!!!!!!! We had to slow down again for some traffic. On the way back, she was a lot slower. Finally, a tired dog! We went a little farther, just at a slow trot, and then walked back home. She did really well!! I’d say she only spent maybe 2% of the entire time trying to go in the wrong direction or toward another dog. lol 98% behaving as a perfect bicycling dog is pretty damn amazing, considering I have no idea if she’s ever done that before!!!

If I die tomorrow, have I accomplished anything? I made a dog happy for a brief moment in time. That’s something.

How will I feel good about myself? I want to help network sheltered animals to their new homes. I want to help the situation of people with no homes.

How can I do these things when I’m afraid to leave my home most of the time? What is within my walking distance that is close enough that I won’t get exhausted on the way? Why can’t other things feel as valuable to me personally?

I feel an odd urgency to get this started. Today. I wish an animal shelter was near me. Right next to me. I’d be there every day. I’ve only ever networked two animals to better places, but to me, that is what feels worthwhile in my life. All other moments, I feel are wasted away and wasting me away.

I grow more worthless by the day. I have to turn this around, Now.

Yet another update: Still stable (Journal#050)

I still sense that I’m in a fairly stable-mood period. But I have NOT SLEPT WELL these past two nights. Last night, I had terrible nightmares. When I got out of bed this morning, the room was spinning and distant/unreal and I was still half-asleep. If I had closed my eyes, I would have still been halfway in the nightmare from which I just awoken. I was too afraid to leave my room in such a tired state, so I snagged all the blankets off my bed and laid down with them on the floor and slept for several more hours.

I know that I can do better. And I will. I’m still feeling upbeat about things in general.

Things that are helping me stay upbeat:

  • I look forward to seeing my new friend, “Joe”, again this weekend; I’ll confess, we have been exchanging text messages daily (he is my friend with an f) 🙂 (I’m referencing “Silver Linings Playbook”)
  • I’ve started to take an iron prescription, and hopefully this will help my sleep quality & I won’t be so damned tired
  • I just got a call back from a psychiatrist (~so I finally have an appt~) and I hope we will click & she’ll be useful

Randomness on my mind:

  • I’m still waiting for tongue biopsy results.
  • The healing, or lack thereof, of my tongue concerns me.
  • My job… so much alone time… so crazy… I get weird when I’m alone too much. Trust me. You’d have to see or hear me to understand what I mean. I start to fade away.
  • Last night, I went to a poetry reading with “Joe” and his mother.
  • I’ve started a new blog on here just for studying for the PTCB exam. It’s fun. I’m learning random stuff, but not getting very serious about the exam yet.
  • I stopped sketching again. It happens. I will be very happy if I sketch just 3 minutes a night.
  • Tonight, go to bed by 10:30pm.

More on the last 2 nights: Two nights ago, I slept poorly and my dreams were about things like fish bones getting stuck in my throat (150, to be exact). Obviously my tongue/throat has been aching. Last night, my nightmare was ex related. But of course, he wasn’t the loving ex I knew for most of that time. It was a nightmare-twisted version and things were really, really sick and bad. I only have nightmares when I have stomach/intestinal pain. So what’s up with my GI tract now?!

Cannot. Sleep. (Journal#039)

It’s 5:11 a.m. and I cannot sleep. I’ve been trying since around 1 a.m. It’s ironic, because I had even set aside a really complicated sketch I was working on for the sake of sleep.

I guess I am too nervous about tomorrow. I’m flying out tomorrow, for my grandpa’s memorial.

  • I have issues with executive functioning, so packing is always an issue.
    • My mom did talk me through some of it over the phone earlier. But in truth, I only gathered some clothes so far. I couldn’t bring my mind to think about it.
  • I’m flying. Which brings up its own bag of worms (actually, I’d like a bag of worms).
    • My worst-ever panic attack occurred on an airplane.
      • It was before I had accepted any anti-anxiety medicines (STUPID!).
      • The flight attendants offered me oxygen.
    • Although before that happened, flying was my favorite thing to do and I dreamed of being a then-called stewardess, one panic attack can change all of that.
    • Now I always feel really pleased with myself if I make it through a flight without taking anxiety medicine. (Why do I torture myself with trying it?! I can go from handling it to being scared out of my pants in about 1 second flat.)
  • I’m just scared.
    • Of the change in routine, I guess.
    • Scared of the unknown.
    • Seeing people I don’t normally get to see.
    • Attending a memorial I haven’t mentally prepared for yet.
    • I never submitted any of my memories of him for the book they’re preparing. 😦
  • I’m getting up in 2 hours for a doctor appointment. I apparently decided, why make a normal appointment for half the price when I can instead wait to the last second before travel and see an urgent care doctor for extra$$$ for something that’s been bugging me for two months??!
    • Maybe after the appointment, I can finish packing and then NAP until my flight, since I’m obviously not going to get a whole lot of sleeping in between now and my appointment.

I’ve been down again lately. It feels like it’s gone on forever, but maybe I’m mistaken.

I don’t want to ever step foot back at work again. I’ve definitely got a “thing” about that place now.

My other contract is ending at the end of this month. Actually, that means my mom won’t let me nap tomorrow because she’ll insist I work on that contract… which would be the ethically correct thing to do. But I’m so scared about the fact that I can’t sleep. I didn’t do too badly on that contract, but the time period’s nearly over and there’s still like a day’s worth of work to do on it. Two days if I’m unproductive.

Please let me out of this job. I don’t want to ever go back. One of my aunts apparently told my mom that if I can make it through for another month or two, things will be all better. But OMFG WHY DO I HAVE TO MAKE IT THROUGH ONE OR TWO MORE MONTHS of it?! (2 reasons: One, the pay is better than most other jobs I could get, and two, I could opt for significantly cheaper health insurance through it)

I haven’t really written here that there’s been a helluva lot of inner turmoil at work. A helluva lot. It’s basically destroyed my home life. For the past however long it’s been, that’s what all the yelling and crap has been about – it’s all been work related. And when there wasn’t yelling, my uncle had stopped being able to talk with me or anything because he had to focus on contracts and all sorts of things he had to research. He didn’t tell me what was going on, and in fact did try to hide the yelling from me at first, but frankly when the walls shake from your voice, there’s no hiding it. That’s when I put in the earplugs and whatnot.

But I can’t take it. You’ve changed. I’m depressed. I’m scared of work, scared of the turmoil, scared of people resenting each other and doing things behind other people’s backs. Scared of the fact that one of them told several of the other employees what’s going on but I was still in the dark, as I was supposed to be (it really isn’t my business as an employee there). Sick. I’m just sick. I’m literally getting over my virus.

But I’m more than physically sick. I feel like all the light and all the hope of this life is just gone. Like I have nothing to look forward to again. Like every moment is a torment and I can’t feel rest and I can’t feel secure and I can’t feel loved. Listless and pointless.

But I’m glad I took Bailey to the dog park today. I needed the exercise (I had slept for virtually 4 days straight without a speck of exercise). But I feel so sick to my stomach right now. Bailey was very good with all of the different dogs and all of the people…except for her ability to sniff out each person who had treats. Silly food hog. It was cute, but I literally had to take her to the other side of the dog park because this really nice lady wouldn’t stop giving her treats! (Bailey has a fat-roll issue, for those wondering why that would be a problem. 😉 )

Don’t read on if you’re emetophobic or otherwise squeamish: Continue reading