I just have a few things to share. Today was better. I’m going to finish this post and then vacuum, if nobody comes home first. I’m alone right now and it’s nice. No pressure. No eggshells.
I think my mom figured it out, though. She knows her brother pretty well and she has helped me to understand other people’s motivations a lot over the years. She thought about it all night (actually, she had insomnia last night because this was on her mind; I may have expressed my frustrations to her yesterday). She thinks a big chunk of why my uncle has amped up his vocalizing of his disapproval and his side comments toward me is because of my tardiness to work. He probably feels like he can’t fire me, but since January 1 of this year, I have been very bad at showing up to work at any decent hour. So obviously, with any other employee, he’d want to fire their asses. But he probably feels like he can’t fire me, so instead his frustration and disapproval is coming out at me in other ways, in personal life.
I don’t plan to be tardy now that we’re at the new location. I was freaking out since back then because of the impending move, but the move has happened now (P.S. “Joe” did nearly all of the packing. I did the two cabinets of office and shipping supplies, since that’s like my little “happy place” of office life, but basically nothing else. Even when it came time to pack up my own desk I just froze and didn’t do it). I have been showing up at the same time as my uncle since we moved, except for today, when I had therapy in the morning and then waited a little extra time so I could meet “Joe” at the train station and walk with him the rest of the way to work. (My uncle never went to the office before, but will be doing so now that it is in this new location.) (P.P.P.P.S. Today was “Joe’s” last day of helping out at the office.)
I do not plan to be late, but I know myself and some of my negative qualities. If I feel like I’m being micro-scoped about what time I leave the house, I’m going to get later and later because I’ll be afraid of showing my face / opposed to showing my face.
So what I need to do is take this into my own hands and basically leave the house without being noticed and show up like it’s just any other job, not an analyzed “thing”. You know what I mean? If it’s a big “thing”, I’m going to end up avoiding it like the plague. If it’s ignored, it won’t be a big deal to me either.
In therapy, we decided that I need to move out, because I *am* dependent on my aunt and uncle right now, and so I will be treated as a dependent.
If I moved out, I could even stay at that job, hypothetically. If I went back to full time work, I could even switch to their benefits. But then I’d have to switch doctors, therapist, psychiatrist. But I just don’t know.
I got excited at the thought of finding other people to rent a room from, if I can find someone who would allow me to get a DOG. Can you imagine? I know, I said I had to sell my pony before I let myself get a dog. But can you just imagine it? Me and a hypoallergenic dog? What if I found a place near an animal rescue site? What if I could work and live near animal rescue? What if I could work AT an animal rescue place? Ah dreams!!!
I know I’m in a pretty good mental state right now because I’m able to think of being alive for the next several months. That’s so much better than when I first arrived here and could only project ahead a few days tops. Now that I’ve pictured getting a dog and living independently, I don’t know if I can shove that back down. Imagine me having my very own refrigerator??? I don’t cook but I can put together sandwich ingredients. I can keep carrots and hummus in stock. Etc. I think I’d survive all right food-wise now (I didn’t feel I could do that when I first arrived, either).
So I know that being here has been very healthy for me. But now that I’m feeling so much better, I feel that itch for independence and adulthood again…
This time, I’ll get it right.
And OMG I want my own dog again. I miss my baby. I want to get the same breed as him because he was so much the perfect match for me. But my previous therapist was quite certain that I should get a wheaton terrier, because they are apparently the top-rated service animal for people on the autistic spectrum. Apparently, they are hypoallergenic, large enough to not be fragile (my favorite breed is very fragile), and are supposed to have a very good temperament. She said they are much more level-headed and calm than any of the -doodles (labradoodles, goldendoodles, etc), making them very good for people on the spectrum.
My baby couldn’t be a service dog because he is just as sensitive to loud sounds and sudden movements as me, and is also fragile enough that I have to worry for his safety each time we pass by another dog.
BUT I like a little dog. First, their poops are much easier to address. Second, I figure that if I am ever out on a mountain with my small dog and he were to get hurt, I could easily carry him back. Third, I’ve always wanted a lap dog. Fourth, I could easily crate a small dog for travel. (In fact, here, I would only be able to take a small dog with me in a crate on the train, unless a big dog was certified as a service animal.) [[ADDITION: Fifth, they eat less.]]
But, why would I get a dog if not for being certified as a service animal? So I don’t need to be concerned about that part — the travel part. Whatever dog I were to get would be a service animal.
Then there is another catch, which is that I do not want to support a breeder (except for the woman who bred my beloved dog. I know her and she’s not a mass breeder and not in it for the profit. But on principle, I don’t really want to support a breeder). I want to support rescue animals. But because of my allergies, I am rather stuck with pure-breed animals. I would have to find rescue groups for either of the two dog breeds I decide between, both of which, I think, are a bit more rare than a lot of other breeds. There are plenty on PetFinder, though. So it’s possible. | Okay, I am looking at all the dogs on PetFinder, now [i.e., I’m “in my happy place” and will be there a while] (although I must rehome my pony first anyway, which will be killer hard emotionally). ‘Later everyone.