Log: Aug 05 – Aug 14 (Wed – Fri): A LOT of change

Aug 05 (Wed): Work;
Aug 06 (Thu): School DSS appt!! 9:30am @location; Work 11:30am – 5:30pm;
Aug 07 (Fri): Work;
Aug 08 (Sat): ;
Aug 09 (Sun): ;
Aug 10 (Mon): Work;
Aug 11 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a; Work 10:30a – 12:30p; School appt
Aug 12 (Wed): Work;
Aug 13 (Thu): Work; Uncle’s house
Aug 14 (Fri): Work;

Well, I’m behind! Let’s see what I can re-construct based off of text messages, photos, and emails.

Flowers

Flowers

Aug 5, Wed: I received photos and pictures of a dragonfly that took a 5-mile ride on my dad when he and my parents went walking through the woods. Peter and I both got home super late from work. I made myself some beans and rice and he was able to get some food before leaving work – he was super late due to something up at work, but he was able to fix it.

Aug 6, Thu: My appointment with the Disability Support Services at my new school took longer than I expected, but it was worth it! Not only did I get permission to audio-record lectures, but they rented me out a digital tape recorder for free, which is great because I lost mine and didn’t want to have to buy a new one.

Aug 7, Fri: This day started out humorously. For some reason, I refer to pre-ground coffee beans as “coffee grounds”. I never thought anything of it. But I went to a new coffee shop to buy these beans, and I asked for “grounds”. The rep looked at me as if I was very odd, and said no, they don’t sell those. They usually throw them away. Haha. I didn’t understand until I’d already left and went to the another coffee shop. This time I corrected myself and said grounds – I mean BEANS! Peter and I went to my aunt & uncle’s house after work. I had needed to pick up some mail that arrives for me there. We couldn’t stay the night, in part because I had left my medicine back at Peter’s place.

Cat Picture

Cat Picture

Aug 8, Sat: Peter and I were at his mom’s house the whole day (from breakfast until night). I got to meet a maternal uncle, who was fun to speak with. I received pictures of my parents and dog in the mountains, picking blueberries. I got to see a couple of pictures of my pony getting attention from some youngsters. I took tons of pictures of one of Peter’s mom’s cats in the setting sun light.

Aug 9, Sun: It must have been this day that my brother borrowed my uncle’s vehicle and tried to help me and Peter pick up some large furniture items (a wardrobe for me, and a bedframe of a larger size than his current one). But alas, their website had lied about the number of items in stock and so we couldn’t buy the furniture. We took my brother out to lunch for helping (or for trying to help).

Aug 10, Mon: Work. Was able to back-order the furniture. I cooked from a cookbook!, with Peter’s assistance (I get pretty overwhelmed after a certain number of steps).

Aug 11, Tue: Therapy, which is perhaps not going smoothly at the moment. Then learned that my 2nd-favorite bakery just shut their doors!!! So sad!!! I also decided (and got agreement from Peter) to make fabric napkins and some potholders, which we need. So one of these days, I get to head to a fabric store… I’d better decide the max amount to spend ahead of time!!! $$$ I worked for 2 hours. After work, I went back to the school. I went through a meeting meant for people who can petition to receive financial aide (I wanted to participate in Work Study), but learned from the meeting that I absolutely cannot qualify because I have too many credits — it doesn’t matter that most of the credits are from over a decade ago. Oh well. I’ll explain why I say, “Oh, well” farther down this post! I also talked with someone about getting my 1 hardcopy textbook turned into audio, and it is no problem because they already had to do that book for someone else.

Pink Clouds

Pink Clouds

Aug 12, Wed: Work. Learned that my passport was approved after all. The problem had been that they only had half of my mailing address, somehow. Peter was in an odd(weak) mood and exceptionally exhausted. I think he was fighting off some kind of bug but he says he thinks it was something going on at work that is particularly stressful for him.

Aug 13, Thu: Work. Nobody showed up and I had no tasks. I slept for an hour under my desk. I’ve been playing some phone apps that help me remember my grade-school Math. ( I ❤ gamification ) I went to my uncle’s after work, to take some pictures of more items he’d like to sell. Peter worked from home for part of the day because he was still feeling so exhausted. He joined me at my uncle’s house anyway (although I had just finished and he sat on the porch while I got my bike and such, so my uncle actually never knew he was there!), and we ate out at my favorite Thai restaurant. Peter still seemed “off” to me. In case my nighttime kicking has been keeping him from sleeping at night, I slept on the floor again last night. I feel like I slept fairly well, although I remember waking up a couple of times. I must have tossed a lot because when I woke up, my sleeping bag zipper was now flipped to the other side!!

Aug 14, Fri: Peter sounded a little bit more like himself this morning. Work. I don’t know what tonight will bring. If I can, perhaps I’ll cut work earlier, although in a way, this is like my last “real” day. But I’d like to go home early and pick up some groceries. I’d like to make a quick dinner tonight. I have the feeling of there being so much to do / SO MUCH TO GET DONE. This is likely because school starts on MONDAY!!!!! I haven’t been a full-time student for over a decade!! This is crazy.

I might submit this post and then write an additional post highlighting certain things not mentioned in the log because they are more nebulous.

Mood Range: 3.7 – 5

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Log: Jul 4 – Jul 6 (Sat – Mon) Social Days

Jul 4 (Sat): Unknown;
Jul 5 (Sun): Unknown;
Jul 6 (Mon): Work;

Will Ferrell picture, says: Sometimes I use big words I don't always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.

Look, it’s me! Haha.

Saturday: I believe Peter & I went to my workplace to see if his book got left behind there, but no. 😥 We went to my aunt & uncle’s house, and I picked up some items. I also sought out my uncle who was tending the garden, and I told him about my Fall 2015 school plans. It went over all right, it seemed! Whew. Then Peter and I went to his mom’s house and had BBQed food. (I still have some issues of feeling incredibly stupid around his parents, because they exchange so much knowledge all the time, which is awesome, but I have nothing to add because I don’t read articles or news like they do. They deal in facts, supported by solid references. I learn a ton listening to them, but I’m basically silent. It’s like listening to really passionate Economics, Microbiology, Social Studies, Political, Worldly lectures. I mean, on Sunday night, his dad is silent at his computer for a while, and then looks up and says, “I think I just came up with a cure for [insert name of rare disorder here].” And he’s not joking. That’s what he does for his work, is help find cures for rare diseases and disorders. And then can explain it all the way down beyond the cell level.) We got back to Peter’s place by 11:30p and then I went up onto the roof to watch for fireworks (there were some).

Sunday: Lazy morning. I’m talking, I didn’t get out of bed until my lunchtime alarm went off at 12:45p. I haven’t been sleeping well again. We made a breakfast/lunch, and then Peter practiced piano and I decided to scrub some parts of the kitchen that I wasn’t convinced were free of possible raw meat juices from previous meals. That took a while. Then we went with Peter’s folks to a family friends’ kids’ birthday party. And I do mean plural on the birthday kids. There were 3 birthdays being celebrated. The twins just turned 2 and the older kid must have turned 13. There were a lot of younglings there of very varying age ranges. We were there until quite late. The kids were fun but I was on quite a bit of stimulus-overload by the time we got back home. I needed some quiet time to myself but it was too late at night. So I went to bed but knew I couldn’t possibly fall asleep, so I listened to a soothing song that one of YOU WordPressers introduced me to. I had it on repeat until about midnight, and then was able to sort of drift off to sleep (well, I’d accidentally consumed some lactose during the party dinner, so the gas wasn’t helping me fall asleep).

The song: https://youtu.be/O5x57-TusWA

Monday: Got up and made it to work early. Paid a medical bill. My acne is out of control (has been for days). I have so much on my mind.

  • Locate school books (buy or rent)
  • Apply for student work study for Friday mornings
  • Submit claims forms to insurance
  • Pay 2nd medical bill
  • Locate cheap shelving unit
  • Get rid of the clothes I want to give back to good will
  • Find home for my horse, who has lived in a different state from me for a year
  • Sell my car, I guess. Maybe.

Mass Mood Ranking: 4 – 5.1

Log: Jun 30 – Jul 3 (Tue – Fri) Free music

Jun 30 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a; Work 10:30a – 6:15p; Free music performance 8p
Jul 1 (Wed): Work 9:30a – 5:30p
Jul 2 (Thu): Work 8:07a – 6:30p; Free music performance 8p
Jul 3 (Fri): Work 11a – 5:30p

I’m not going to separate out these days. But on Tuesday and Thursday, Peter & I did attend the free music performances in the evening! I’m so glad. My favorite music teacher was playing!!! Next year, I’ll sign up for the music workshops in advance.

I’ve gotten so much done this week. But there are two things I need to do still. One is something for work. The other is to turn in my letter of resignation to my bosses. I’m so afraid of doing that. I’ve already written the letter but I can’t bring myself to turn it in. I had mentioned to my uncle a week or two ago that I was seriously considering taking classes this fall, he suggested I look into the nearby college by my workplace because they offer evening classes… So then I chickened out telling him that it’s going to involve me quitting work.

I have to be brave. It’ll give him over a month to find a replacement. But I have to actually let him know, so he can start looking.

Meanwhile, I called my health insurance again on the last possible day I could hope to apply for the government health care program, and they were able to contact the woman who makes decisions about appeals, and she looked at my case and APPROVED IT. So I HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE. Hallelujah!!!

Then yesterday, I finally called the college where I’m trying to sign up for the fall classes, and they searched their emails to find my paperwork, found it, scanned it over with me on the phone, and approved it, too!!!!! So my English waiver got approved and I was able to sign up for the core class I previously couldn’t register for!!!! Yay. So I’ve got my class schedule all set now. Then I went and applied for the FAFSA stuff so that I can hopefully qualify for a little bit of Work Study, I’m hoping for Friday morning. That would get me on the campus on Fridays and give me the rest of the day there to do homework.

One thing about me: I do not. do homework. at home.

Do. Not.

I’d love to. But belieeeevvveee me, it doesn’t happen. I don’t have the discipline or focus. So I’ve set my entire schedule up to be morning classes M – R, and the rest of the day, I will stay on campus to do homework until dinner time, when I’ll go home. Pretty damn exciting stuff. I’ve signed up for more credits than I could normally handle (14), but two of the classes should be really easy for me — they are computer stuff that I have done before, but don’t know enough of the fancy formulas in Excel and whatnot to test out of them. So I have to take the classes to get the certificate I want. So meanwhile, I’ve also signed up for a small vocal ensemble group course! It’s 3 hours once a week, but I think I will love it so much. I absolutely love singing with other voices, and I wanted a little more focus than you’d get with a large choir. It’s only 1 credit, but 3 hours straight is pretty heavy.

Log: Jun 10 + 11 (Wed + Thu) Anxiety + Meltdown

Jun 10 (Wed): Work
Jun 11 (Thu): Work, go to uncle’s after work

Wednesday: Got up easily enough, although I’d had insomnia for much of the night. Got ready and left early with Peter. Showered but skipped breakfast, thinking I still had a muffin at work. Wrong. But I had brought 2 PBJs so I had one of those for breakfast.

Jeweled plant

Jeweled plant

HIGH ANXIETY LEVELS. This is the day my web registration was open for me to apply for the new college. At the same time, i had received many tasks for work, all time-important. So with high, high anxiety, my hands shaking much of the time, I did some work, then would try to figure out my class schedule again, then work, then scheduling, etc.

In the end, I did get everything I needed to get done for work. But I was only able to register for 3 of my classes successfully. One of them has an English requirement, so I have to submit paperwork for that. So I contacted both of my old schools and have official transcripts on the way out now, which isn’t needed, but I felt more comfortable doing it that way, so the new school has them on file and I will just have to make myself actually get a major so it wasn’t a waste of money.

Anyway, I did the matriculation paperwork (took forever). I had to prove my residency (took forever, but I have already heard back from them that I was accepted as a resident and thus get the MUCH MUCH MUCH cheaper tuition! YAY!!!).

I still haven’t submitted my matriculation paperwork because I think I’d better send a copy of my divorce certificate to them as well, seeing as one of my schools is going to send a transcript with my maiden name on it, and the other school will send my transcript with my previous married name on it. Oy. I hope they can figure it out.

But I want to get this done as soon as possible because the course I didn’t get to sign up for yet only has 1 timeslot that would work for my schedule, so if it fills up, I’ll have to rework every class again and try to get it to fit together. It took so much time. I won’t have a copy of my divorce paperwork until this evening, so I could then submit my matriculation paperwork tomorrow.

Okay. So HIGH ANXIETY. I can’t stress that enough. I almost had to take anxiety medicine but I try not to if I can survive without it.

The rest of the evening was okay for a while. After work, I went to a grocery store and picked up some groceries. When Peter got off work, he joined me there and we walked back together. Dinner was amazing, thanks to him. But then something happened.

Jeweled plant

Jeweled plant

He was contemplating companies for the sake of picking out more companies to invest in. He asked what companies I like as far as services and whatnot, just to try and get more names to think about. I mentioned an online site I used to buy my horse supplies from. I said I used to only trust that site and Amazon with my credit card information.

That led to him asking me how I feel about Amazon. I said I like them a lot because they send a fraction of money to the horse rescue I love so much (log in through Amazon Smile instead of regular Amazon to support whatever rescue/charity you want to support). So that got us on the topic of charities. I don’t know why he said it but he said he didn’t think he would ever donate to a horse rescue group. Something went off in my head. Alarm bells. Horror. Tragedy. I asked if he meant it like, -ever-, under no circumstance? I was like, sometimes when people have asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I ask them instead to put whatever money they’d have spent on a gift for me and send it to that equine rescue instead. I asked if he’d send them money if I asked him to as a b-day gift to me or something. He said no.

While he started to explain which are the charities he donates to regularly and supports, I found it hard to hear him. My entire body was faltering. The tears started to flow. By the time dinner was finished and we went back down to the room with the dishes (we’d eaten up on the roof), I had to take a minute away. I went to the unlit bedroom and just cried and cried and cried.

I came back to the kitchen to help with cleaning up but I still kept crying on and off. I finally talked about it, I said I had no idea that rescue was still so important to me. My horse has been there many years now. I cried more.

So what this tells me is a couple of things.

  1. It tells me that what I ate yesterday for breakfast and lunch was not sufficient and I did have a blood sugar episode. I only get super emotional when I’m having a blood sugar episode.
  2. But it also sends me up a red flag for this relationship. Do I wish to be in a long-term relationship with someone who would override my own request because of his own standard for worthy charities? Did I feel disrespected personally because my wishes wouldn’t be respected?

At least after I was finally able to say why I’d gotten so emotional, that the rescue meant so much to me still, he actually offered to use them next time he shops from Amazon. So that means it wasn’t a black-and-white never-ever statement after all, but it took a complete meltdown for him to relax the black-and-white of his original statement? Or was it the meltdown that then enabled me to verbalize how important it was to me, that I wasn’t joking around when I was asking those questions?

I don’t want him to use them for his Amazon; that wasn’t my point at all. I just want to know that if I ask something of a person, they will at least consider my request. A, “perhaps there could be a possibility of it at some unknown point in the future, depending on the situation,” would have satisfied me. A “No, never,” brought me to a screeching halt.

At the same time, I hadn’t heard from my mom all day, so I was worrying about my grandma out there. Signing up for school is freaking me out. I hadn’t had much sleep. I didn’t eat well.

So that was a rough night. He apologized if his words were hurtful for me. But my mood doesn’t bounce back quickly; I was too upset to fall asleep. (He asked why I wasn’t falling asleep, I said I think my right shoulder is too tense, I can’t get it to relax, and asked if he could pinch that muscle. He said that sounded painful and he didn’t want to torture me. He lightly ran his fingers over the spot, but I asked again if he could pinch the muscles there. He still didn’t want to, saying it sounded painful. He said he had a better idea, why don’t we go to sleep. He flipped over and fell asleep instantly. I got upset all over again; request denied! Major insomnia. I got up, did stretches to try and get the muscles to fricking relax. I had taken 1 mg of clonazepam when I’d first gone to bed but it did NO good at all, not one bit. I should have taken some pain medicine, but I did stretches instead. I finally read a book by the light of my cellphone screen, and eventually fell asleep. Mood Ranking: 2-4.5

Sky and clouds

Sky and clouds

Thursday: I don’t know what today will bring. It was a bad morning! When the early alarm went off, I think I was in a bit of a sleep-drug-haze and he decided to reset the alarm for a little bit more time. Then we got up, I didn’t shower, got dressed, and we made breakfast. Ate breakfast, had tea, then, while I thought he was packing (to be explained), I held back one of the cats so the shy cat would eat his breakfast. He’d gotten spooked and so the other cat was done eating already and he was not. Then I also brushed my teeth again. Meanwhile, I don’t know, maybe Peter was ready to go, I was ready but in la la land, just doing whatever. Turns out he was getting frustrated because he could tell we were close to being ready but we weren’t leaving and he wanted to catch a certain bus. He never said a time. We made it to the trains but knew he’d miss the bus he wanted. He said we needed to work on our morning routine. I said it would really help if he could tell me verbally what time he wants to leave the apartment in the morning. He says he tried that when we were first dating and it didn’t work. I pointed out that now I have a watch, and I believe it would work now. Don’t think he agreed. We said goodbye but it wasn’t done as closely as usual. Not sure if we even hugged, although we might have, which is okay because I’m in a mood and can’t connect emotionally right now. He rushed to the bus stop and he did catch the next bus, not too much later than the first, but then he wrote that he was sorry about getting frustrated, it was just the seeing time pass where we weren’t really heading out the door but seemed to be ready that was frustrating for him, it was like wasted time. It was okay that he caught the next bus. We’ll work on communicating better in the morning.

But fuck that. I have lived long enough. He doesn’t understand me and the executive function issues. He doesn’t. I can’t ask him to baby me through the morning. It’s time I either learn the skill to get myself out of the door in the morning without external stimulus, or I hire somebody. End Of Story. I can’t rely on him to let me know when to leave in the exact format I need the information. NOBODY ON THE ENTIRE, FRICKING PLANET HAS BEEN ABLE TO GIVE ME THE INFORMATION I NEED IN THE EXACT FORMAT THAT IS USEFUL FOR ME.

Nobody.

What I need is this:

  • When the alarm first goes off, I need to hear (AUDITORY) several things, in this order:
    • Mandatory: The upcoming activity “Work day”
    • Optional: What time the activity begin “Work starts at 9 a.m.”
    • Optional: What train I’m trying to catch “Train leaves at 8:32 a.m.”
    • Mandatory: When to leave the apartment “Leave apartment at 8:20 a.m.”
    • Mandatory: What time it is right now “It’s currently 7:30 a.m.”
    • Mandatory: How much time I have left before leaving “You have 50 minutes to get ready.”
  • As I get ready, I need again to have an audio that tells me what time I am planning to leave the apartment, what time it currently is, and how many minutes I have left (I cannot do mental math in the morning).
  • When it is within 5 minutes of being time to leave, I again need to have an audio that tells me that I have 5 minutes remaining to get out of the door.

So, today has been sad for me. I feel things slipping out of my hands. But I don’t need him and I’m not going to let myself need him. Maybe he and I break up. I still need to find an apartment near my new school, with different roommates if that’s the case. I’ll be okay. Today’s Mood Ranking (subject to change): 3

Log: May 16 – 18 (Sat – Mon) down and back up

May 16 (Sat): Cooking and dinner w/ “Peter’s” folks 2p – 9p @his mom’s house
May 17 (Sun): Hiking w/Peter and one of his friends
May 18 (Mon): Work 9:30a – 5:30p; Go to uncle’s house

Hi all,

The last time I wrote was regarding Saturday, I believe. I had a mood crash. I’m pretty damn certain it was the blood sugar because I had missed lunch and then ate junk for a while until a very late dinner. I overdid the refined sugars and all kinds of bad things. I got so insecure during dinner. They’re all biomechanics or something on a microscopic level and everyone was discussing DNA sequencing and all of this really, really amazing stuff but then me and this high schooler who was also there were suddenly asked if we’d understood everything being said for the last however long and of course, everyone at the table understand except for me.

I have a pretty big insecurity due to my lack of academic accomplishment but it’s part of what drives me to want to go back to school now. I’m going to harness this and use it. I have felt like the least academically achieved member of my family since 2003 when non-academic circumstances interfered with my ability to finish college.

It isn’t what other people say. It isn’t what you can say to me. It isn’t what my 2 year Associate of Art degree says to me. There is nothing you can do or say to assuage my very, very strong feelings of inferiority. I have to get a degree because I want to prove something to myself. I want to prove it to the world. But it’s me who is berating me and me who belittles me and puts me down.

I want to do it. I want to be capable of doing it. I know it will take special accommodations like the audio books and note takers and help through the school, but I want to do it for me.

You know, I should let you guys see my typing without the use of spell check some time. That would just be kind of funny. I am not stupid but I’m a phonetic speller and nothing is ever spelled the same way twice.

The reading is just painful. I mean, it is physically painful. I was asked to read a little brochure the other day. The font was small and narrow and must have been freshly printed. I don’t think I made it through a page. I don’t know how I could get through a course. The words and spaces between words still move on freshly printed paper. What the hell would I do?

Am I discouraging myself now? No, don’t do that. I am going to take some college classes. I am going to do this. Not for you. Maybe in spite of you. But for me.

Log: Saturday was good aside from my mood dive. Stayed up talking with Peter until at least 4:30a. That’s how bad my mood was. Explained how I was worried what’s going to happen when he realizes how much more academically intelligent he is compared to me. (He’s AMAZINGly academically-smart). I need to come up with my other strengths. The ones that are not school or knowledge related. Because that day really crashed my self confidence. The day had been briefly at my aunt and uncle’s house, then the rest of the day was spent at Peter’s mom’s house. It was a cooking and dinner event. My mood went insane; I hid several times just to self-isolate. Everything was fine; don’t know why I got so stressed. Mood went off almost like an extreme PMS. Like just suddenly on the verge of crying and no idea at all why. Mood ranking on previous posting.

Sunday: Fun day. Bicycled and went hiking along a beach. I even got to take my shoes and socks off. One of Peter’s coworkers attended, and Peter’s father attended. It was really fun and I took lots of pictures I hope to dump to my computer one of these days. Mood: 4.5 – 5 – 5.5

Monday: Work. What a weird day. Nobody came to work, nobody emailed or called. I vacuumed the office. Made the coffee, got the tea water ready. Nothing. I feel very strange now (I love chunks of solitude, but an entire day of solitude can get me a bit weird, to say the least). Going to go home now; I’m not going to stop for ingredients. That means cold, canned soup for me tonight. I don’t really feel like caring. I think I am tired. Oh, also I spent much of today going through my Facebook and finally blocking the people I needed to block. There were a lot. It was sad. But I can’t have a security breach. I do miss certain people on Facebook who still post the bulk of their photos there. That includes the woman who is taking care of my horse. She called me today to let me know she has started to work with my horse and is doing well. She sent me a funny vid of my girl prancing around a big pen. I stay at my aunt + uncle’s place tonight, alone. Mood: 4.5 – 5

Log: May 5 (Tue) Lots to do!

May 5 (Tue): NO Therapy; Work 10:00a – 4:30pVisit w/ Shelly maybe for lunch; Music practice w/”Peter” 6:45p; (I haven’t yet decided)

Dinner Plan:
*Complete Protein: (Maybe brown Jasmine rice) + (Unknown nut equivalent) …SUCCESS (brown Jasmine rice and pine nuts)
*Vegetable: Steamed green beans …SUCCESS (boiled green beans) Also had some carrot + hummus, and half an avocado, and a little bit of salmon

To Buy:
*Bread for lunch PBJs …SUCCESS
*Carrots for lunch …SUCCESS
*Hummus for lunch …SUCCESS
*A non-broken watch with multiple alarms feature

To Do:
*At work: Invoice#1wj (3/4 done; waiting on supervisor’s revisions)
*At work: Invoice#2sur (3/4 done; waiting on supervisor’s revisions)
*At work: Invoice#3dc (3/4 done; waiting on supervisor’s revisions)
*At work: Invoice#4gas (3/4 done; waiting on supervisor’s revisions)
*Any time: At least 2 Accounting lectures (completed 1)

*Any time: Apply for Music Workshop scholarship
*After work: Rinse and chop up carrots and bring to work
*After work: Make six more PBJs and bring to work
*After work: Practice music
*Any time: Write and send thank you letter to my aunt & grandma

To Pick Up From Uncle’s House:
*Last month’s therapy bill to submit to insurance
*My VitaMix
*My birth certificate, for passport application
*My back-up drive
*Some earrings
*My hairbrush

The log part for today: It was hard for me to get out of bed this morning. I had taken 1 mg of clonazepam last night and also we’d been doing our computer work and went to bed too bloody late. I’m going to fall apart soon, for real. I’m actually going to leave work now, 1.5 hours early, and just go to my uncle’s house and crash. I’ve had enough social time for now. I love “Peter’s” presence but I find I’m not relaxing into it enough yet. I’m still in a mode too intense to be sustainable. Like, too intensely trying to learn, too intensely trying to observe, too intensely trying to listen and understand. Just too intense and my energy’s depleted. I need to go home, alone, in a dark room, by myself, and just recharge my battery. De-stress. De-worry. De-neurotic-ize myself. It’s my fear-of-failure coming at me, btw. It’s driving me insane with its intensity. I’ve got to chill the fuck out.

Oh yeah, but I’d done the bulk of breakfast this morning, I think. I was pretty fast. Made it to work at an okay time. Today’s Mood Ranking: 4-5

UPDATE!!! I left work an hour early. I biked nearly all the way to my uncle’s and then “Peter” let me know he was going to be back a bit early, too. I was feeling a lot better thanks to the bike ride, so I went there after all. We grocery shopped and cooked and then it was too late for practicing music. Got ready for bed and went to sleep. Evening Mood Ranking: 5, 5.5