Poem: Year 1

Tell me it wasn’t all for nothing
The wind blowing through my hair
The leaves falling, golden and crisp

Tell me this was for something
The endless nights
The tears streaming down my cheeks
The hours spent focusing a wandering mind

Don’t say there was no point
To fireflies and chilled campus walks
Trees and birdfeeders
A squirrel with no tail

Tell me there was some purpose
To cafeteria trays and tang
Full of ants
Tables with set groups

Don’t tell me.
Just don’t.
Every word
Every sound wave
For future regurgitation

Don’t.
Flashes of faces, papers, books
72 steps to my floor
4 minute burn time

Fighting. Dorm mom and tears. Clear shower doors.
People yelling “FLUSH”
Sex so loud music couldn’t drown it
Don’t tell me this was for nothing.

Dreaming in an unlearned foreign language
Cold and alone and numb
Exhausted beyond tears, beyond sleep
Moving
Windows with light filtering in through the tree branches

Tapping keys, dusty pages, the smell of coffee
Trying to fly you here.
Waiting for you.
Writing you Every. Day. And. Night.
Dedicating my life for our future.

I hear your voice but I can’t find you.
You can’t find me.
These tears are mine
…I thought. They are yours.

My arms outstretched
Through the sky and clouds
Blue rolling on and on and on
Lead me Home. Just lead me Home.

Cannot. Sleep. (Journal#039)

It’s 5:11 a.m. and I cannot sleep. I’ve been trying since around 1 a.m. It’s ironic, because I had even set aside a really complicated sketch I was working on for the sake of sleep.

I guess I am too nervous about tomorrow. I’m flying out tomorrow, for my grandpa’s memorial.

  • I have issues with executive functioning, so packing is always an issue.
    • My mom did talk me through some of it over the phone earlier. But in truth, I only gathered some clothes so far. I couldn’t bring my mind to think about it.
  • I’m flying. Which brings up its own bag of worms (actually, I’d like a bag of worms).
    • My worst-ever panic attack occurred on an airplane.
      • It was before I had accepted any anti-anxiety medicines (STUPID!).
      • The flight attendants offered me oxygen.
    • Although before that happened, flying was my favorite thing to do and I dreamed of being a then-called stewardess, one panic attack can change all of that.
    • Now I always feel really pleased with myself if I make it through a flight without taking anxiety medicine. (Why do I torture myself with trying it?! I can go from handling it to being scared out of my pants in about 1 second flat.)
  • I’m just scared.
    • Of the change in routine, I guess.
    • Scared of the unknown.
    • Seeing people I don’t normally get to see.
    • Attending a memorial I haven’t mentally prepared for yet.
    • I never submitted any of my memories of him for the book they’re preparing. 😦
  • I’m getting up in 2 hours for a doctor appointment. I apparently decided, why make a normal appointment for half the price when I can instead wait to the last second before travel and see an urgent care doctor for extra$$$ for something that’s been bugging me for two months??!
    • Maybe after the appointment, I can finish packing and then NAP until my flight, since I’m obviously not going to get a whole lot of sleeping in between now and my appointment.

I’ve been down again lately. It feels like it’s gone on forever, but maybe I’m mistaken.

I don’t want to ever step foot back at work again. I’ve definitely got a “thing” about that place now.

My other contract is ending at the end of this month. Actually, that means my mom won’t let me nap tomorrow because she’ll insist I work on that contract… which would be the ethically correct thing to do. But I’m so scared about the fact that I can’t sleep. I didn’t do too badly on that contract, but the time period’s nearly over and there’s still like a day’s worth of work to do on it. Two days if I’m unproductive.

Please let me out of this job. I don’t want to ever go back. One of my aunts apparently told my mom that if I can make it through for another month or two, things will be all better. But OMFG WHY DO I HAVE TO MAKE IT THROUGH ONE OR TWO MORE MONTHS of it?! (2 reasons: One, the pay is better than most other jobs I could get, and two, I could opt for significantly cheaper health insurance through it)

I haven’t really written here that there’s been a helluva lot of inner turmoil at work. A helluva lot. It’s basically destroyed my home life. For the past however long it’s been, that’s what all the yelling and crap has been about – it’s all been work related. And when there wasn’t yelling, my uncle had stopped being able to talk with me or anything because he had to focus on contracts and all sorts of things he had to research. He didn’t tell me what was going on, and in fact did try to hide the yelling from me at first, but frankly when the walls shake from your voice, there’s no hiding it. That’s when I put in the earplugs and whatnot.

But I can’t take it. You’ve changed. I’m depressed. I’m scared of work, scared of the turmoil, scared of people resenting each other and doing things behind other people’s backs. Scared of the fact that one of them told several of the other employees what’s going on but I was still in the dark, as I was supposed to be (it really isn’t my business as an employee there). Sick. I’m just sick. I’m literally getting over my virus.

But I’m more than physically sick. I feel like all the light and all the hope of this life is just gone. Like I have nothing to look forward to again. Like every moment is a torment and I can’t feel rest and I can’t feel secure and I can’t feel loved. Listless and pointless.

But I’m glad I took Bailey to the dog park today. I needed the exercise (I had slept for virtually 4 days straight without a speck of exercise). But I feel so sick to my stomach right now. Bailey was very good with all of the different dogs and all of the people…except for her ability to sniff out each person who had treats. Silly food hog. It was cute, but I literally had to take her to the other side of the dog park because this really nice lady wouldn’t stop giving her treats! (Bailey has a fat-roll issue, for those wondering why that would be a problem. 😉 )

Don’t read on if you’re emetophobic or otherwise squeamish: Continue reading

Journal post, can’t sleep, lack hugs (Journal#036)

I can’t sleep because my throat is sore, and because I’m thinking of something kind of negative and it just keeps replaying in my mind. I had tried to hug my uncle goodnight tonight and he acted really uncomfortable. I’ve fucked something up somewhere along the way. I hadn’t expected it to be a big deal because he’d hugged other people earlier in the day. Where have I gone wrong? (Actually, I suspect I know.)

Oh well, you know? Got to let it go. Got to get touch from somewhere else. (I could hire someone from TaskRabbit to give me a hug every day 😉 ….I’m joking. Barely. But I am.) I might look into buying a weighted blanket, too. My skin is absolutely in agony right now and I just really need a hug. My now-ex husband used to just lay on top of me (non-sexual) when I felt this way. I just need the sensation. I need Temple Grandin’s squeeze machine. My eyes are tearing up. I don’t really know what to do for it in the meanwhile. I have three heavy blankets on me right now. I used to sleep with 7 heavy blankets on me.

I’ll go ahead and order a weighted blanket right now. I hope they’re not too expensive.

In other, yet connected, news, I have made my online account at the dating site and have gotten to chat with a couple of people so far. One of them, just by chance, has Asperger syndrome too! We chatted for freaking hours tonight. It was awesome. We totally geeked out and were talking Sci-Fi and stuff. He happens to be a huge fan of my favorite ever series, which is really rare. I’m going to keep screening him online for a while, but I have a feeling that eventually he and I will meet up and go bicycling together.

And yes, I have, in the past, accepted undesired sexual touch when that was all that was available at the time. But I’m not going to do that this time around. I’ll send out to Temple Grandin to build me a fucking squeeze machine if I must.

Okay, so I’m going to go take some pain medicine, probably half a clonazepam, and then order a weighted blanket online. Goodnight, all.

Update: Because it’s really not fair to me, and to anybody around me, to expect others to somehow fulfill my own needs, you know? It’ll ruin any platonic relationship I ever try to have at this point.

(Fear of) Morning mornings mornings Weekends! (Topic#037)

Why do I fear the morning? I’m going to list out a few reasons for you!

  • There is an entire day ahead
  • Full of unknowns
  • As soon as I get out of bed, I no longer have control of the day
  • If I stay in bed, I might feel guilt, anxiety, self-hate, and more, but I am at least in control of my movements
  • Once I am out of bed, others tell me the plan, what to do, and when
  • The day might be long
  • The day might be exhausting
  • I will not be allowed to rest once my reserves are spent
  • I might not have a chance for snacks when my blood sugar crashes
  • I might have to do activities or say things or be in places where I am uncomfortable and unprepared
  • I will be the child, the passenger, in no control once the day is started (because I choose to spend the day with you and not alone)
  • If I know the plan ahead of time, I can prepare for it (the weather, the time away from home, meeting new people, etc)
  • I could screw up socially, with anybody known or new
  • If I know the plan ahead of time, I can get anxious about aspects ahead of time, too. 😉
  • If walking, skiing, biking, shopping, hiking, etc., I might not be able to take breaks as needed; nobody needs rests as often as I do

I’d say that about sums it up!! 😀

(Part of) Why I’m Blogging (Topic#036)

Autumn Leaf

Autumn Leaf

So a big part of the reason that I’m blogging now is to set down some of my stories in a fairly permanent way. It matters to me because I forget things in a way that’s hard to describe.

The worst time was when I went away to college in the first place. I arrived across the country, ready for college. Within the first two weeks, something was noticeable that was unlike the other freshmen there. I couldn’t remember my past. I could remember big things like my parents. But I couldn’t remember middle or high school times. People would ask each other questions about different experiences from school and friends and what not, and I was drawing a complete blank. I   literally couldn’t remember. It wasn’t just like it was fuzzy and vague — it was literally not there. I couldn’t remember who I’d been before in a pretty big way.

On the plus side, that meant I got to start over on some things. Like I was NOT shy there. I did make lots of friends. I was constantly, CONSTANTLY active (I joined nearly every club I could; I had NO FREE TIME from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed). I gained 15% of my high school body weight. I had a huge appetite and ate things I would never have touched before.

I was excited, I was gregarious, I had motivation. I had little memory of a time before I arrived there.

Some things remained constant. I was still tardy a lot. And I was still always the last to leave a classroom. And I still had trouble finishing my projects by the end of the given time period. But I was very different.

So yeah, I am somewhat obsessive about knowing a full story. And if that ever happens again, I want to have a way to remember. I don’t care if I never revisit this again; at least it will be here. Something stable and solid in the Universe.

I’m scared shitless of it happening again. When I travel, it is only to visit relatives. Known quantities where the chance of my ‘losing myself’ is much more slim. Preferably my parents would be with me as well. I’m here at the moment and my parents are not. I could certainly, and I know I am changing somewhat. But so long as I don’t forget everything again, and I think blogging some things here has helped me to stay grounded somewhat. I just hope it won’t prevent me from growing, too. It’s probably a double-edged sword. [I don’t feel like going back through and making that somewhat grammatically correct.]

So those are my “Topic” posts, mostly. That’s mostly me trying to document a story I don’t want to lose again. The “Journal” posts are mainly just how I’m doing and carrying on in the meanwhile, while I get all the other stuff down ever-so-slowly.

Pondering Education (Journal#024)

Here’s a list of all the college-level courses I’ve passed to date. Some of these don’t transfer well because they are from two different schools. I did not include any that I did not pass. 🙂 I’m just pondering, if I did go back to school, what would I major in? (The first time around, I was on course to be an Art major.)

*This list should now be complete*

COURSE # COURSE NAME Credits
AGRI A138 Organic Gardening 1
ART A100 Painting for Everyone Audit
ART 103 Drawing I 4
ART 104 Design 4
ART 202 Ceramics I 4
ART A209 Beg. Metalsmith & Jewelry 3
ART A213 Beginning Painting 3
ART A224 Beginning Photography 3
ART 259 19th Century Art 4
ASL A121 American Sign Language I 3
BIOL A102/3 Introductory Biology + Lab 3+1
CIOS A105 Intro PC Computer Applications 3
CIOS A140A Databases I: MS Access 1
CSC 140 Founds Comp Sci (JavaScript) 4
CIOS A153 Website Design: Dreamweaver 3
COMM A111 Fundamentals of Oral Comm. 3
COUN A107 Managing Stress 1
DN A203 Normal Nutrition 3
DNCE A151 Beg. Tap Dance I 1
EDSE A591 ST: Strat to Sup Std w/Aut-Asp 1
ENGL A111 Methods of Written Comm. 3
ENGL A212 Technical Writing 3
ENG 213 Writing Fiction I 4
GEO 111 Physical Geology 4
GEO 332 Hydrogeology 4
HIST A341 History of Alaska 3
JPN 101 Beginning Japanese I 4
LAT 101 Beginning Latin I 4
MAT 112 Functions (Pre-Calc) 4
MUS A1 (FAA 716) Concert Band 1
MUS A1 (FAA 761) Piano 1
MUS A102 Concert Chorus I 2
MUS A103 College Community Band 2
MUS A121 Music Appreciation 3
PE A130 Beginning Yoga 1
PHAR A101 Introduction to Pharmacy 3
PHAR A105 Pharmacology for Tech I 3
PHI 224 Environmental Ethics 4
PHY 101 Intro Physics I 4
PHY 221 Astronomy 4
PSY A112 Anger Management 1
PSY A112 Assertiveness Training 1
PSY A112 Defeating Depression 1
PSY A112 Enhancing Self Esteem 1
PSY A112 Rational Living 1
PSY A150 Lifespan Development 3
PSY 161 General Psychology 4
PSY 278 Adolescence 4
PSY A345 Abnormal Psychology 3
RH A103 Tech Math Refrig&Heat I (Algebra) 3
VETT A101 Intro to Veterinary Profession 1
VETT A123 Handling & Behavior: Large Animal 2
VETT A125 Intro to Large Animals 3
WST 258 Topic: Feminism in Fairy Tales 4

Can you tell, I freaking LOVE to learn. I’d be a student forever if only there was no such thing as a grading system. Note, I did not put my grades. 🙂 I am a TERRIBLE student. When I pass a course, it’s by the skin of my teeth and only because I had some kind of support along the way, like when other students used to let me read textbooks out loud to them while they were doing their own studying!!! I’m tagging PTSD and some negative things for this post because just looking at my transcript from my one school (where I had my first mental breakdown) was very stressful. Life is weird.

Quick thoughts on improved mood (Journal#023)

Autumn

Autumn

I wish I knew why my mood has been improving this week, whereas last week it went down into the gutter. I can think of several things that are different, and I imagine it must have to do with one or more of them:

  • There are no impending large-group dinners
  • There are no impending changes to my usual routine (until the 11th)
  • I started taking Vitamin D capsules (I realized I am not getting outside in daylight much, if at all, anymore)
  • I’m taking my multi-vits regularly now, too, but frankly they’re gummies and I doubt more than one spec is actually available for my body to absorb. But they’re yummy… 😀
  • I am not eating meat at present
  • I am being MUCH more careful to eat specifically for managing blood sugar (complex carbs/fibers, protein)
  • I have made myself go to bed before 11pm for 3 nights in a row now (although I haven’t been asleep for most of that time, I do have a bit more energy today, so I imagine that even laying there wide awake is helping).
  • I attended meditation on a work night this week
  • I have a friend here now
Autumn Leaves

Autumn Leaves

Current Concerns:

  • I still need to set aside time to let myself grieve for my grandpa, who just died. I have been sent audio clips of my dad telling stories about him, I have been sent pictures of him throughout life, I am supposed to call my grandma and my other aunt. I have not dealt with any of it yet. I haven’t even talked with my cousin yet. I need to find out when/where the memorial will take place because I want to attend. I need to let myself begin grieving but it is hard to let myself put aside the time for it.
  • That Topic hasn’t come up at all since the last time I wrote about it
  • Work is very stressful lately but I’m trying to detach from the issues and just plug along with imaginary blinders on
  • The reason I’ve been going to bed early the past 3 nights is because there has been a lot of yelling in the house. I’ve used earplugs, air filters, fish filters and music to screen it out. It’s given me some quiet time to just sit in bed and read my new Garfield book though, or watch silly comedies on YouTube, so I’m sort of glad for it, even though it does raise my adrenaline when the voice shakes through the walls.
  • My uncle has already noticed the vast change in my mood (for the better)
  • I don’t know if my mom has noticed yet, although we had a cheerful chat yesterday evening (I was so excited about having finally dealt with my 5-month long insurance issue)
  • I’m anxious because another cousin is going to visit soon, and I’m really scared that my mood will plummet and I’ll ruin that visit too. I really want to see this cousin; I’m just scared. Because I really wanted to see my brother and my other cousin last week too, but I totally botched that.
  • I have been clenching my jaw like crazy during the night all of this week! OUCH
  • I have only showered once this week and I am not interested in showering right now.
  • I am out of clean pants and socks. I’ve worn the same pair of pants all week. I HAVE to do my laundry tomorrow!!

P.S. I am experimenting with adding *two* pics per post now… Because I take so many more pictures than I post, and I’m sad that I don’t get to use these extra photos. 😉

Tangible improvements (I’ll add to this as the week goes on):

  • Attended meditation on a work night for the first time
  • Talked with insurance for an entire hour and got so much resolved!
  • Painted several of my finger nails for the first time in 20 years
  • Was actually willing to go on a walk one night (but ended up driving because we were going to pick up a lot of stuff)
  • Have placed many calls in trying to clean up my 5 month long insurance mess!