I cleared up some poor wording and added a lot of new content. I updated it again today (Nov 1):
Hmm. I can’t figure out how to make this image click-able so you can see it blown up to full size (older pics of mine are still click-able). Perhaps it’s the theme I’m using. Maybe I’ll try switching to a different theme.
*UPDATE*: I fixed it! I had already tried two new themes before discovering what was different about this one compared with older ones that worked as links. I’m staying with a new, more open-feeling theme anyway.
I WISH I HAD WORDS
I’D DESCRIBE THE FEAR
BUT YOU WEREN’T THERE
you’ll never understand
in this, i am alone
with no proof now
my palms are empty
not one grain of sand left to fall
just a memory
and vocal cords that can speak and sing
and fingers with which to type
and a hand with which to draw
it would take a great deal of time and tearing open of old scars
to explain this to you
It’s incredible the flood of anxiety I feel when people begin to argue.
These two people do not shout. These two people do not throw things. These two people do not hurt animals. These two people do not give each other the silent treatment later or love each other any less tomorrow.
But they do get intense with their voices. One of them is forceful and the voice raises, not in volume but in pitch. The other gets forceful and uses “YOU” statements that I find very rude. “YOU” are not listening. “YOU” have switched what you are arguing.
These arguments always end peacefully and they love each other the same immediately after. For them, the effects are null. They argue. They debate. It’s part of what they do. Frankly, I would go so far as to say it is part of who they are as people.
But for me, the effects are longer lasting. I will be afraid of them for days. It was not directed at me; nobody is arguing or debating with me. I have already put in my noise-isolating headphones and escaped up the stairs. I have already blared music directly into my earbuds.
But the flooding of anxiety is so strong and so immediate. It’s an emergency for me, when two people argue. It is danger. It is red alert. It is unpredictable and unsafe.
They will not hurt me. The worst either of them could do to me, based on who they are and what I have seen, is to use an insulting tone of voice and say “YOU” don’t understand what I am trying to say. Or something like that. That’s the worst I’ve seen or heard from them.
But my body goes straight to fear. My body says, the monsters have surrounded me. I am prepared to run. I am prepared to hide. I am prepared to face the streets in the dark at night amongst strangers. I am prepared to kill to protect myself.
My intestines prepare to evacuate immediately. I need to run. Outdoors. I need to be one speck in an infinite darkness, alone. Unknown. Safer.
Instead, I am trying to prep for bed. I brushed my teeth. I’m listening to my music, blaring into my ears. I can hear the voices. They are calm but still firm. It’s only a difference of opinion and grilling over various scientific studies to prove one side or the other. My shoes and coat were already on (because me and one of them were about to go on a very short walk). I am ready; I want to run. I could take anxiety medicine that will help me sleep. It’s been 30 minutes, right? I could take off my shoes and coat without offending. … Or I could slip past and go on a jog into the darkness.
Things seem better already, just having gone through the previous realization of the “manic music phase” trigger and also sharing all of my thoughts of the past week with my bf just now, verbally. He was relieved because all he knew for sure was that I was super closed down all week and not communicating and he didn’t know what in the world was going on. We’re talking again. I’m feeling a lot better knowing it was the guitar trigger and considering ways of dealing with that more directly. I am going to try a school counselor on Monday and see how that is. Goodnight, all.
Cut for possible triggers of the hypochondriac-type sort.
Now with 2 updates:
- Dog sitting on Saturday. I don’t know what that’s going to look like yet – it will be at or near Peter’s apartment / nearby parks, assumedly.
- Therapy. Will I continue seeing my current therapist? She has been helpful. But it is hard to get out to that city lately, and will become more so. And she will not be in-network for my new insurance.
- Health insurance. I’ve applied for a new health insurance. It’s through Peter’s work. Apparently I have been accepted, but have yet to receive a card. Apparently it will backdate to the start of August, when I first applied.
- Health insurance. How in !@$# am I going to get my money back for August for my COBRA health insurance? I’ve already paid them $785.66 for this month. They will drop-kick me the instant they catch whiff of me applying for different insurance, so perhaps they will return my August premium.
- My belongings. So I’m going to need to clear out all of my things from my aunt and uncle’s place and officially move in with Peter. I really hope that the wardrobe we picked out is going to fit all of my stuff. I’m to clear out all of my painting supplies, too. I hope that having them handy will inspire me to start painting again.
- Rent. Once I’m officially moved in with Peter and his roommate, I’m going to start contributing to rent. This scares the living daylights out of me. Every time I think about it, my palms start sweating. I think last time Peter did the math for it, he suggested that $500/month would be appropriate. It’s not to lower it for him but for his roommate, since I’m using part of the shared space and all that. But I know what their full rent is and I can do the math and believe me, that is not the full 1/3 amount. That’s not even 1/4. Nor 1/5, 1/6, 1/7… I could go on but I won’t. So trust me. The idea scares the bejeepers out of me. I’m glad their lease is up in December. So the thing is, I’ll only be able to afford contributing toward rent once the new health insurance kicks in — it will be saving me more than that in premiums.
- Work. So I absolutely do not qualify for student work on campus. However, it doesn’t matter right now, because I am not unemployed. It turns out that my work has not found a replacement for me yet. So I am invited to continue working as much as my schedule will allow — which is Tuesday and Thursday after 1:20 pm, and all day on Friday. I’m anxious about having to commute this direction after school on Tue + Thu, but I’m also relieved to maintain having some kind of income for now!!! I dropped one of my classes (the music class) to make sure I’d be able to work on Tuesday. But I also dropped it because the idea of three classes that day was starting to overwhelm me — I don’t think it was a good plan. And the amount of reading it required was incredible – more than any of the other classes.
- School. OMG. What’s stressing me out is that I am supposed to introduce myself to each instructor right away and ask them to read the request for a note-taker for me (yay Disability Support Services!). But the idea of trying to pin down an instructor before the first class is pretty nerve-wracking. I’m not too scared of the reading at present — I have access to audio for 3 of my textbooks and will soon have access to the 4th. I’m terrified of homework — I just don’t have a good track record for actually doing homework. But, I’m older & wiser now, and I know how to work WITH myself a lot more than in the past (as opposed to against myself), so I have a much better chance of succeeding now. For sure.
- Hobbies. I have not participated in ANY of my hobbies or side interests as of late (except for photography). Maybe this isn’t entirely true, because I’ve gone on some walks and watched 2 funny videos and have done my budgeting. But anyway, this is because I am feeling SO MUCH PRESSURE from the impending start of classes. Once I have my new schedule, I think things will go smoothly.
- Relationship. This is moving awfully fast in two ways: Officially moving in with Peter, and going onto his work’s health insurance as an unmarried domestic partner of the opposite sex (they have that category). This is a little out of my comfort zone, to be honest. It is bringing up a LOT of baggage for me, in the form of flashbacks, memories, weird dreams, remorse, sorrowful memories of specific time periods I DON’T want to recall. Etc. I’m trying to keep a lid on it but I’m going to need to deal with it in a healthy way when I can. I haven’t shared all of these specifics details, but he’s suggesting we go to couples therapy, which I think is a brilliant idea. I just need that insurance card so I can get the in-network list… 😛
- My pony. What am going to do with my pony??? I can’t keep paying for my pony! But I am hesitate to part with her, too. I haven’t seen her in over a year! I am just paying every month for her care and I don’t know when I’ll ever see her again or what I’ll do with her. I can’t pay for a pony when I will hardly be working!
- Work again. I’m also glad to stay on with this company for now, because I am very familiar with the people and systems now. It can be stressful for me at times, but the thought of a new, minimum-wage job is even scarier. Also, my tie to my uncle might be broken once I’m entirely gone from this job. Particularly when I’m having to move all of my stuff out soon. My brother had told him that I’m moving in with Peter (for the insurance, he thinks). They think I’m just using the system. Oy. It will be hard to stay in contact with my uncle, I think. He doesn’t really respond to text messages. Maybe I’ll have to call him every now and then, or show up sometimes on the weekend. I don’t know yet.
- OCD. My OCD has been acting up, assumedly from increased stress. I’ve been getting some intrusive thoughts and an inability to get past certain thoughts/ they just keep repeating in my head, over and over again. This’ll go away once I’m into the new school schedule, though. But OMG it does not help matters right now.
- Mood. At least my mood seems to be stable again now. I had even called my doctor to tell her about my extreme crabbiness and even worse exhaustion in the morning. But she is hesitant to raise my thyroid level back up, because I guess that will increase the amount of bone loss for me in the future, since my thyroid level was running kind of high before. But I’m starting to feel okay again, and I even felt like a slept mostly okay last night. I did stall for an hour in getting out of bed, but that was more from my old anxiety than from exhaustion this morning. Things will be easier once I’m into the new school schedule. It’s hard to be looking at it from the top of the cliff.
This is all for “Joe” who encouraged me to finish the conversation we’d started like a week or two ago, but I’d stopped due to a shutdown back then.
I was in a complete funk all morning today. Part of it was the cold I’ve had since mid-last week. Part of it was having gotten maybe an hour of sleep last night due to extreme insomnia. Part of it was hiking for six hours yesterday. Part of it was an emotional crash after yesterday. Part of it has been my confusion regarding relationships.
But now everything is in the air. Or cleared from the air. However that goes. The air is clear. Thank god.
As you guys can tell from my recent poems, my brain had gotten hooked on the guy I’ve ill-labeled “shy guy” (really need a different fake name). Like seriously fucking hooked. My poems are all part of my attempts to break it.
I’m going into the following because of the trigger and still wanting to process it more:
So I’m going to see if I can get things back in balance. Because with me, obsessive thinking is just not damn healthy. And I was not sharing it on here and I was not sharing it with “Joe”, because I was so afraid of hurting his feelings. Because “Joe” and I had been dating (non-exclusively). I also went on some dates with non-“Shy Guy” (who also dates non-exclusively right now). One day, I ended up having non-“Shy Guy” stay over (not planned), but it broke my typical communication routine with “Joe”. He had a bit of an anxiety attack that evening/night. I read some of his texts in the way I would have read my ex’s at a certain point and my anxiety sky-rocketed.
It may have delayed our next-day plans, too. So I went over and we tried to talk about things but I shut down. He happened to ask a question (or a few) that were identical to ones I have heard before, from my ex, during a bad scenario. So it was exactly, for me, as if I was back, having done such an incredibly bad thing, such an intense situation, so many questions that could never end because he could never be satisfied, obviously; how could he be, in that scenario? And not allowed to leave for the threat of suicide, and the concussion he gave himself as he did allow me to clear the doorway and stand outside looking in, unable to breathe in there any more. Then later came the stalking, gun-purchasing, death-threats, property destruction, more suicide threats, etc. Life’s a bitch. For everyone involved. The pain I caused. The pain you caused. The pain he caused. Life’s a bitch.
In real life, “Joe” and I are fine now. ❤ Everything’s in the open and the scenario is nothing like the one with my ex. It was just triggered for me because of a few similarities but was actually completely different.
I feel so much better and also less obsessive about non-“Shy Guy”. Maybe it was made worse by not having anybody to talk with about it. I feel way more balanced and grounded right now.
The emotional crash I was referring to is that I had gone on another hike with non-“Shy Guy” and some of his friends yesterday. I was not going to miss it even though I was/am sick. It was a six-hour hike and I saw salamanders and large banana slugs and other neat things. We all went to dinner as a group after we made it back to the main city (lots of driving). Dinner was at 9 or 10, I’m thinking. (My god I have blown my budget this month. 😥 ) I am not allowed, by my relatives, to take public transportation once it is so late, so I stayed the night with non-“Shy Guy”. I really like it, but I couldn’t sleep. I had terrible insomnia. I probably should have taken pain medicine, but a lot of it is my restless leg syndrome. It’s very hard for me to get comfortable and stay put. Every night, I spin, virtually always clockwise if you are looking at the top of my head. My legs can stay in a position for a short while, but then I **HAVE** to move.
Anyway. I got side tracked. I was trying to describe an intense scenario I get too wrapped up in – the pressure of fitting in with others, the pressure of saying appropriate things at appropriate times, the pressure of not going too long in silence because I didn’t want to be the one they all talk about later as, “Well SHE’S boring. No personality at all.” (Maybe I just know too many rude people, but that really does happen!) So PRESSURE PRESSURE PRESSURE and that alone creates an extremely emotionally intense scenario for me. Then there are other social considerations for staying the night with someone you really like but don’t actually know that well yet. And then the not sleeping but trying desperately to hold somewhat still so as to let the other person sleep. Impossible. Then the morning, and trying to help cook the eggs while he does the bacon and rushing a bit because he is meeting more people for another hike, and has invited me and “Joe” but I declined, and damn good thing considering how sore I am today. In the end, the food was great but I accidently left mine behind on the counter, as well as my leftovers from last night and also a bag of gf chips I hadn’t opened yet but my uncle had suggested I bring for the hike (in the end, we all brought so much food, it was unnecessary).
Anyway, then there is the sudden aloneness and travel back home, and it’s a huge emotional crash. Like so much intensity and a whole ‘nother world and exploration and social trials, and I change then.
That was a line I omitted from one of the poems. /I try to understand you./ I try and …/ I didn’t finish that line. The ending is, I try, and I become you. That’s what happens. I can’t understand another person without becoming them. That’s what the rest of that poem was about — all of my old dreams shoved aside and broken, because I’ve started to morph into something/someone else. I hate that.
Whatever happens, happens. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Work is killing me with stress again. I do NOT WANT to go to work tomorrow. Some really stressful things are happening technology-wise there. I won’t go into it.
The growth is back on my tongue today. I see my tongue every day because I am supposed to use a tongue scraper on it every day. Today, it’s back. I am telling myself that it’s the mucus from my head cold, and the snorkeling of mucus I’m doing to clear out my sinuses and such, that has irritated it and caused this to return. I hope it goes away. It’s physically uncomfortable.
So yeah. That’s my head as of now. Kind of fucked up. I wonder if I’m capable of having a topic in my head that ISN’T obsessive? And if this is how I will always be, will I learn how to deal with them (obsessive-only topics) in a healthier way? For now?–Oh, well. I’m too tired to worry about the future. Tomorrow, I will work. Then, I will talk with “Joe” and I MUST do some vacuuming. I need to catch up on this month’s budget, too.
This will be a difficult weekend to process. Unfortunately, I will not share all of the details here. So I’m not sure how to process what I cannot admit. I will lay on the bare bones structure.
On Saturday, I volunteered time to help prune city trees again. I love it. I love the upbeat people, I love that we are helping take care of trees that haven’t seen care in three years, and I love the interactions with the neighborhood folk in the various areas I’ve seen so far – many people become very engaged with us as we work on the trees in front of their and their neighbors’ houses.
I will make a special note of a group of young men who, perhaps being high at the time, were QUITE concerned with protecting the trees of “their” street. My group’s leader did such an amazing job of explaining exactly what we’re doing and the reasons (how it helps the trees in the long run), the connection with the different programs involved, etc. Meanwhile, one of the young men in the backseat of the car started naming some of the tree limbs that were marked for removal. He named one limb after himself and started to shout out the car window: “OH NOOO, MY ARM! MY ARM! DON’T TAKE MY ARM!” Meanwhile flailing his arm out the car window, along with saying all kinds of stuff that had me cracking up. He named the next limb God. You can imagine how that went, perhaps.
Okay, back to my story. Then, I and one other person went walking around the city. I walked until I had a blister on my foot but still didn’t feel like stopping, which is odd for me. But it was such a beautiful day. In the end, we decided to visit a dog park, so I suggested that it would be a pity to view a dog park without dogs, so we walked to retrieve my aunt and uncle’s dogs. By this point, it was sunset. The dogs had a BLAST. I am not sure if it was a safe decision to stay out so late, in hindsight, but everyone we met was very friendly. It was completely dark before we returned the dogs home. I would never stay out after dark by myself, but I suppose I felt safe because I was not alone and we had two large dogs.
Sunday, I was due for a challenging conversation with someone I had stressed out quite a lot. I shut down partway through so I am afraid it is not complete. But I think the stress has dispersed. Of course, a moment of how person had dealt with the stress triggered me because the scenario seemed suddenly identical to a very terrible scenario between me and my ex. So I am having some difficulties processing this still. I have the lingering feeling of having done something so terrible and unmentionable. Yet I can SEE that the reality is that the worst thing I did was to be unclear about when I would and would not be available to respond to texts and cause a lot of worry for my personal safety as well as anxiety for a change in the normal texting routine and communication. The rest is something else entirely, and I think a very natural human reaction in spite of the spoken rules of open dating, which is not something I am very familiar with to begin with.
Although I do not mean to hurt anybody, my typical nature is very prone to hurting other people. I lose track of time when I am in the present moment. I forget obligations and other versions of reality. It’s like where I am is where I am, and everything else is somehow on pause. | But it’s not. I hear about it. How many times have I upset my mom because I failed to check in at times when she was concerned for my safety? How many times did my “the one” “soulmate” express to me the sorrow and loneliness he felt because I was part of all kinds of activity clubs on campus and wasn’t sitting at my computer Messengering him? He was THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME ON THE PLANET (aside from my folks, too), and I couldn’t drag myself out of the present moment to spend that quality time with him that he needed. (I did Messenger and phone call with him most nights, and I hand-wrote him all day long, but I don’t think I ever actually sent most of the letters, and the Messengers and calls were so late at night, I was too exhausted to connect very well. There were other issues as well.)
So is hearing that someone was worried sick about me new to me? No, I have stressed people out before. (I’m not excusing it.) But this had some additional circumstances that makes it much more complex and I don’t know how to process the entire thing quite yet.
I won’t be processing it tonight. I am, in fact, not quite myself tonight. It would be hard to explain, but I do not feel like the same person tonight as I was just a few days ago. How to explain to people in your life that you will not be connecting with them in the same way at this moment, because you(me) are a different person right now?
Maybe everyone around you feels hollow and puppet-like, to boot. So you can feel no emotional connection to them. Something could probably catch fire next to me and I’d hardly find it out of place, now that I think of it. Self-protection mode? Check. Dissociation? Yup.
P.S. Friday: I walked 17,000 steps after music practice. (Oh! I forgot to mention another music practice! I played poorly but it was nice.)
Saturday: I walked 25,300 steps!!! That is a crazy-big number, for me.
Sunday: I bicycled a little.
P.P.S. I do not know what from, but I have bruises all over my body right now. They started to develop last Wednesday. I don’t know what from; I was not helping move anything that day. I would have understood if they had developed after Monday, when I was helping move things, or even Tuesday, when I helped carry some heavy items. But nothing on Wednesday that would explain this. One in particular is very large.
Your feet beat the path
One, Two, One, Two
You can do this
With your chest tightening
And your stomach burning
You have no choice but to succeed.
The wolves pad softly behind you
Working out a method, rounding a corner here and there
You can’t chance a peek behind but now and again, you hear a twig snap and the dead leaves rustle at their feet.
One, Two, One, Two
Your lungs scream for air
You’re focused like never before
Pump your arms forward
Pull yourself forward with every swing of your legs
Your heart hammers *it’s too much, it’s too fast!*
You will succeed because you have no choice.