Mood Turbulence

Fruit smoothie with spinach and arugula added

Add some extra nutrients in there…

My moods have been insane lately. I don’t know what lately means. Two weeks? A month? A year? Two years? Just since I got back from visiting my parents and dog?

It’s worse for me at this moment because two weeks ago, “Joe”, who had been getting more depressed by the day for several weeks, snapped at me over something that was definitely innocent on my part. What he said was very rude and inappropriate and I didn’t address it well. In spite of his immediate apology, I had already shoved it aside in my head and didn’t deal with it and I still haven’t. What you said was like being punched in the stomach. That’s how taken aback I was for a moment. And then I made excuses, Aw he’s just really depressed and has been alienating all of his friends and I don’t want him to lose me as a friend, too. Yada yada. Kept on our walk.

But it wasn’t the same. And this week’s walk wasn’t the same, either. Because I don’t really forgive anyway. I suspect I don’t actually forgive any one for any thing anymore.

So then today, there was a point where we had to make a decision about which direction to head. We both had a preference, which is rare. We both had a strong preference. I made mine clear but instead of saying, “no” to his preference, I acquiesced. And then silently resented him for the next hour or so. I had nothing to say. It’s not like I intentionally think to myself, “I’m going to give X the silent treatment now.” It’s just that, when I’m upset with a person, I don’t trust that person and have no interest in speaking and nothing on my mind to share. It’s very hard.

Back to my main point. Since things are weird between me and my only real-ish friend, “Joe”, it’s making it hard to trust myself and my sanity at all. I’m already having a hard enough time with “Peter”, with how we keep triggering each other (we’re seeing a therapist now, which seems promising).

I need help. Aside from facts and moments in time, my moods are unstable. They are flying up and down. I go from bliss to anger in an instant. I don’t feel that I can control it. And I have no patience and no tolerance.

There are “easy” (clear-cut, that is) things that can only help:

  1. Create and stay on a REGULAR sleep schedule (this has NOT been reality)
  2. Create and stay on a REGULAR eating schedule (this has NOT been reality)
  3. Eat nutritiously at every meal
  4. REDUCE the amount of refined sugars (my moods have been INSANE)
  5. Create and stay on a REGULAR exercise schedule (I have been exercising, but not at set times and not for set amounts)

I believe that I need the forced routine of a job or face-to-face classes to get back into the land of the somewhat living and normal. I applied to a part-time position recently but they had just filled the position. There is a full-time job I’m going to apply to, perhaps tomorrow. But, I really only want part-time, for the sake of finishing my online school.

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Depression

SquirrelHi all,
I’m having some trouble with depression. I don’t know when it started. It’s possible it started an hour ago. Or maybe a month ago. Or maybe years ago.

I’ve been anxious. That seems pretty irrelevant and I don’t want to talk about it, but it’s probably pretty important. Especially since it contributed to some sleepless nights.

I wish I could share the reason for my anxiety on here but I can’t because this is public.

I had an emergency session with my psychiatrist. She gave me some interesting suggestions for how to deal with my OCD next week. She gave me a very expert place to go when I return, but that won’t be in time.

I “should” be so happy. If I had six months before this trip, it could be nothing but bliss. But I’m traveling on very short notice and the tasks will be difficult. And I’m very afraid of something I cannot tell you.

I have a pretty bad yeast infection. I didn’t see a doctor, but I know. It’s causing a lot of pain.

My bf and I didn’t get along tonight and it wasn’t even my fault this time. Usually it’s me being crabby but this time it was him. I left the room quickly because I hadn’t come to argue. I was excited about sharing with him how I’d fixed the doorknobs today. I don’t know what went wrong, but it makes it kind of hard to breathe. Kind of bleak and gray and hopeless.

It’s entirely possible he and I aren’t a good match and won’t last much longer. But I want to get my shit together before I were to try and start a new life again. Then there are days when it seems like things are smooth here. Who knows. I can only say, “I need help” so many times before the phrase becomes pointless.

Anyway, I don’t have the money. School is going smoothly but I need a job. My money goes faster than I had projected.

I will be so happy once I’m there. I am supposed to spend an hour a day imagining getting rid of my belongings and feeling calm. I need to go.

Feel like there’s no one I can talk with

Inch WormIt’s kind of crazy to think of how completely alone I feel in-person right now, in that I feel like nobody near me understands me. Everything’s building up. I have nobody face to face that I can talk to about it. My psychiatrist is awesome but won’t really communicate outside of the office except in extreme cases, but seeing her is very expensive, so I don’t do it often. The psychologist I was seeing as of late … I’ve never really been sure that we clicked. He doesn’t understand me at all whatsoever, actually. But only within the last month or so did something REALLY come up that was very bad and now I can never trust him again. He thinks it would be healthy for me to at least share with him what exactly is bothering me so much. But speaking it to him would be very difficult and painful for me. Blah blah blah.

I’ve met lots of people from playing Pokémon GO and some of them are great to hang out with for the 20min – 3 hour time period that it can take.

Sometimes when I Pokéwalk along the water line with my friend “Joe”, I think, these are the days that I’m going to look back upon as some of my better days. The sun, the friendly people, the sea birds and sometimes other sea life, the hours of walking along the water.

But I’m neurotic and eat away at myself.

I’ve been studying lately. Study. Exercise. Eat (expensive foods, lately). I need money. I need to get a part time job.

I’m going to be traveling again soon. I’ll be gone for a while. I’ll have Internet access but don’t know if I’ll be too distracted. I wish I could talk about it here but I cannot.

Sometimes, I hate everything

Sometimes, I hate everything. Sometimes, I think things are great. Then BOOM. Kaboom. Crash. Explosions. Hatred and resentment.

And I DON’T trust that you have my best interests in mind. Then what.

You could have just TOLD me in the first fucking place, you know? So I don’t just grow more and more upset as the night goes on. So I don’t start building resentment and eventually explode and make a fool of myself yet again when I find out what’s actually going on. Why you don’t just fucking TELL me?

Communication sucks.

Sometimes, I hate people. I just hate people.

What I know is true is that since my divorce years ago, I find myself unable to forgive. Unable to stop suspecting the worst about people. Never letting my guard actually down.

You can be innocent but I will believe guilty until proven otherwise. Except, there is no proof that I’ll accept.

Therapy isn’t going well at present

So just recently, my therapist (actually a psychologist) asked me about dissociation. This was in the context of me having had a bad weekend that I shared with him, and there was a moment where I dissociated, and thus told him about that.

He asked about dissociation so I told him using the easiest method I have. I mentioned some elementary school abuse story. Okay, I should have thought that through farther or something. But I didn’t and here I am. That was last week, I think. I don’t know. You guys would know better than me because I got into a not-quite-okay mode and posted here a lot. I even sketched a comic! I saw him twice that week because there was too much to possibly say because it lead into other things, like a time period I haven’t written about here although have alluded to several times.

Meanwhile, this psychologist stops me and says if I say any more about elementary school, he’s going to have to report it. But days later, he’s able to check with his ethics officer and for reasons I won’t share here, he doesn’t have to. If he had done so, it would have been the end of the world. I can’t share why on here. But without even the strength to put the true emotion into these words, MY world would have ended and so would several others’.

So then I feel safer again, and I share some things to him via email. Not too much, for me, but I hadn’t ever shared w/him outside of the office before, so it probably seemed like a lot.

Now to my point. Today, we had an appointment. I was so ill-feeling this morning (nerves because I didn’t know what to expect), I ended up taking anti-anxiety medicine earlier in the day. So, granted I was still on some amount of medicine by the time our appointment came around (it’s half-life is fairly short so it wasn’t a full dose). So it’s possible the medicine was interfering with any sort of ability of me to feel connected.

But it was weird. Kind of like nothing had ever come up? Well, but he did ask if I wanted to talk about anything? I don’t know. I don’t really know what happened. The whole appointment went by and I left and I’m wondering if it was productive in any way whatsoever. I can’t be wasting money like that. He did say that next appointment, I could talk about whatever I’d like. I asked if it would be helpful or harmful to talk about that shit. He thought perhaps it would be helpful.

So in that case — is that I checked with him several times to see if I could have permission via email to share things with him during this time. For example, any sketches or poems, that sometimes help me to try and explain something I can’t vocalize. He said that was fine to bring to him in-person, but he doesn’t want it being sent to him in other ways. He wants everything to be face-to-face. He gave more reasons for why face-to-face is superior but I don’t recall because I was busy talking to myself internally (well, it’s true. I was talking to myself mentally about how important it was for me to be able to share during the week, since I historically chicken-out the day of appointments and know I wouldn’t bring in anything). I did say that out loud — that I would probably be too shy to bring any in. I think I said it out loud, anyway. It’s all kind of a blur.

Anyway. This is all very unsettling for me because next week is my last week around before I’m gone for a while. Then he’s going to be gone for a while. So basically, why go to next week’s appointment? I should cancel that appointment. But maybe I only say that out of bitterness. Maybe it could be productive in some other way?

But I feel like he just doesn’t get it. The can of worms is already cracked open. Maybe he’s trying to put a lid on it. Maybe I’m trying to open it all the way, but that’s a long, long road to go back down.

There IS a desire in me to open the can of worms. I feel like, there is a piece of my life that I still haven’t threaded together into a cohesive narrative. I feel like I’m more ready now than I ever have been before, and I like to know what’s happened in my life and why and how I grew because of it. I ain’t talking about elementary school; that is black and white, easy to understand.

That part of me, that wants to open the can of worms, is really disappointed in this appointment. I know now that I had wanted an excuse for a muse. I had wanted him to inquire and be curious and try to learn more. I had wanted a reason to get out pencil and paper and sketch and revisit papers on that time period and thread together a cohesive understanding. But it’s a dangerous, time-consuming process and, knowing myself, I would need extra support in the meanwhile. I WOULD become clingy and desperate at times; I WOULD probably ask to come in twice a week instead of once at times. I might be weird as I dig through some dirt. But I feel like, in less than a month’s time, I’d have the understanding I so desire.

The one perk of waiting is that the VAST MAJORITY of my writings and drawings on this topic and FROM this time period and directly after are at my parents’ house. Perhaps I could gather those documents within the next year and have them ready. Perhaps I could go to an actual trauma specialist this time and do this once and for all.

That’s all well and good, but with this can of worms cracked, it’s difficult to turn my mind to other things, like homework. I made myself exercise A LOT this weekend, yesterday, and today. I think it helped prevent me from nose-diving straight into a terrible depression. Instead, I just feel kind of … unsupported and scared and like, I must have made a terrible mistake. Embarrassed, I guess. But that latter part is likely because I perceived no feedback from psychologist today. BUT, as I’ve already said, that is either because I was on anti-anxiety medicine and perhaps numbed my ability to sense connection, or perhaps he was staying withdrawn on purpose because my emails and sharing of that sketch scared the shit out of him and he took it literally like I was already clung to his leg or something. He didn’t make any comment about that sketch, btw. That probably made me very sad since I drew that to share with him something I experience.

Ah well, you know? Maybe he doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing. I always assume these psych people know what the hell they’re doing but what if they don’t. Or what if he does, and it was my exact contact during the week that caused today’s appointment to be non-existent…or the anti-anxiety drugs.. LOOP! 🙂

Comic: Not this process again (Comic#050)

Reverting from adult to child

Reversion

Hmm. I can’t figure out how to make this image click-able so you can see it blown up to full size (older pics of mine are still click-able). Perhaps it’s the theme I’m using. Maybe I’ll try switching to a different theme.
*UPDATE*: I fixed it! I had already tried two new themes before discovering what was different about this one compared with older ones that worked as links. I’m staying with a new, more open-feeling theme anyway.

Poem: Not understood

I WISH I HAD WORDS

I’D DESCRIBE THE FEAR
                               EMPTINESS

BUT YOU WEREN’T THERE

    your words
         your words

you’ll never understand

in this, i am alone
with no proof now
my palms are empty
not one grain of sand left to fall

just a memory
         and vocal cords that can speak and sing
         and fingers with which to type
         and a hand with which to draw

it would take a great deal of time and tearing open of old scars
to explain this to you

— innerdragon