Weaning off of Lexapro

Water colored blue and pink from the sunset

Sunset on the water

Hi all,

Today begins a true attempt at weaning off of Lexapro 20mg, with permission and help from my psychiatrist. Update: I have been on the drug for over 10 years straight.

I definitely want to document this process so I will know if the withdrawal becomes too unbearable, or in the end if I just need to go back on because I was better on it, etc.

Today:
* 15mg Lexapro in the morning (with usual thyroid dose)
* 1 capsule of fish oil and a multivitamin, just because
* I must get in some solid exercise, just because
* tonight, 10mg of Prozac (this will allegedly ease the withdrawal symptoms because of the longer half life)

Symptoms:
* Have had diarrhea and cramps for 2 days, totally unrelated (could be PMS, food not agreeing with me, or a bug)
* Very anxious about being on the 15mg today — waiting for the electric zappies to hit me at any time, but they haven’t started yet.

That’s all there is to report about this for now. 🙂

In other news, I’m doing terribly at focusing on schoolwork. TERRIBLY. But within three days of now, I will have taken another Final exam. I’m not sure if I’ll pass it.

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Depression is coming back

I am writing only to report that for the past couple of weeks, I’ve been feeling depression creeping back in. As only a fellow person who has experienced depression can understand. It is not like I am in a great mood and then “something happens” in my life and boom, I’m suddenly depressed. No. I’ve been watching it coming for weeks. The breathing getting harder, the feelings of happiness becoming fewer and farther between. The irritability become intolerable and snipping and hating everyone around me for nothing. The pain of looking around, the headaches, the stomach aches. The breathing in and stopping for a minute and thinking, My God[] this would be so much easier if I didn’t exist. The making self exercise, making self eat nutritiously. Making self go to bed at a decent hour in spite of desire to stay up late. And you know, you can FEEL, it is only getting worse. It hasn’t started to get better yet.

Poem: Off by a …

As ever, there is something off.
In one forced smile and laughter that hits the wall and falls like a brick.
Judgement and judgement
You are doing it all wrong! Why don’t you research before you do that?! Don’t you understand the health at stake?!

Voice straining. I’m shouting to your deaf ears.
And gesticulating in large loops and dramatic movements.

In one rush of smoke and air hot enough to scald, I pull back my hair and roll up my sleeves.
I breathe smoke in and explode fire from my lungs.
AT YOU.

But really? A dark, snuggly, soft pit of despair would be my rest stop.
Tuck me in amongst the rocks and debris, sticks knotted in my hair.
Muddy tracks leading through the dust on my cheeks, from my eyes.

I want you HURT. You DESERVE IT.
i want comfort, and swaddling, love, peace, acceptance, understanding.

Mood Turbulence

Fruit smoothie with spinach and arugula added

Add some extra nutrients in there…

My moods have been insane lately. I don’t know what lately means. Two weeks? A month? A year? Two years? Just since I got back from visiting my parents and dog?

It’s worse for me at this moment because two weeks ago, “Joe”, who had been getting more depressed by the day for several weeks, snapped at me over something that was definitely innocent on my part. What he said was very rude and inappropriate and I didn’t address it well. In spite of his immediate apology, I had already shoved it aside in my head and didn’t deal with it and I still haven’t. What you said was like being punched in the stomach. That’s how taken aback I was for a moment. And then I made excuses, Aw he’s just really depressed and has been alienating all of his friends and I don’t want him to lose me as a friend, too. Yada yada. Kept on our walk.

But it wasn’t the same. And this week’s walk wasn’t the same, either. Because I don’t really forgive anyway. I suspect I don’t actually forgive any one for any thing anymore.

So then today, there was a point where we had to make a decision about which direction to head. We both had a preference, which is rare. We both had a strong preference. I made mine clear but instead of saying, “no” to his preference, I acquiesced. And then silently resented him for the next hour or so. I had nothing to say. It’s not like I intentionally think to myself, “I’m going to give X the silent treatment now.” It’s just that, when I’m upset with a person, I don’t trust that person and have no interest in speaking and nothing on my mind to share. It’s very hard.

Back to my main point. Since things are weird between me and my only real-ish friend, “Joe”, it’s making it hard to trust myself and my sanity at all. I’m already having a hard enough time with “Peter”, with how we keep triggering each other (we’re seeing a therapist now, which seems promising).

I need help. Aside from facts and moments in time, my moods are unstable. They are flying up and down. I go from bliss to anger in an instant. I don’t feel that I can control it. And I have no patience and no tolerance.

There are “easy” (clear-cut, that is) things that can only help:

  1. Create and stay on a REGULAR sleep schedule (this has NOT been reality)
  2. Create and stay on a REGULAR eating schedule (this has NOT been reality)
  3. Eat nutritiously at every meal
  4. REDUCE the amount of refined sugars (my moods have been INSANE)
  5. Create and stay on a REGULAR exercise schedule (I have been exercising, but not at set times and not for set amounts)

I believe that I need the forced routine of a job or face-to-face classes to get back into the land of the somewhat living and normal. I applied to a part-time position recently but they had just filled the position. There is a full-time job I’m going to apply to, perhaps tomorrow. But, I really only want part-time, for the sake of finishing my online school.

Depression

SquirrelHi all,
I’m having some trouble with depression. I don’t know when it started. It’s possible it started an hour ago. Or maybe a month ago. Or maybe years ago.

I’ve been anxious. That seems pretty irrelevant and I don’t want to talk about it, but it’s probably pretty important. Especially since it contributed to some sleepless nights.

I wish I could share the reason for my anxiety on here but I can’t because this is public.

I had an emergency session with my psychiatrist. She gave me some interesting suggestions for how to deal with my OCD next week. She gave me a very expert place to go when I return, but that won’t be in time.

I “should” be so happy. If I had six months before this trip, it could be nothing but bliss. But I’m traveling on very short notice and the tasks will be difficult. And I’m very afraid of something I cannot tell you.

I have a pretty bad yeast infection. I didn’t see a doctor, but I know. It’s causing a lot of pain.

My bf and I didn’t get along tonight and it wasn’t even my fault this time. Usually it’s me being crabby but this time it was him. I left the room quickly because I hadn’t come to argue. I was excited about sharing with him how I’d fixed the doorknobs today. I don’t know what went wrong, but it makes it kind of hard to breathe. Kind of bleak and gray and hopeless.

It’s entirely possible he and I aren’t a good match and won’t last much longer. But I want to get my shit together before I were to try and start a new life again. Then there are days when it seems like things are smooth here. Who knows. I can only say, “I need help” so many times before the phrase becomes pointless.

Anyway, I don’t have the money. School is going smoothly but I need a job. My money goes faster than I had projected.

I will be so happy once I’m there. I am supposed to spend an hour a day imagining getting rid of my belongings and feeling calm. I need to go.

Feel like there’s no one I can talk with

Inch WormIt’s kind of crazy to think of how completely alone I feel in-person right now, in that I feel like nobody near me understands me. Everything’s building up. I have nobody face to face that I can talk to about it. My psychiatrist is awesome but won’t really communicate outside of the office except in extreme cases, but seeing her is very expensive, so I don’t do it often. The psychologist I was seeing as of late … I’ve never really been sure that we clicked. He doesn’t understand me at all whatsoever, actually. But only within the last month or so did something REALLY come up that was very bad and now I can never trust him again. He thinks it would be healthy for me to at least share with him what exactly is bothering me so much. But speaking it to him would be very difficult and painful for me. Blah blah blah.

I’ve met lots of people from playing Pokémon GO and some of them are great to hang out with for the 20min – 3 hour time period that it can take.

Sometimes when I Pokéwalk along the water line with my friend “Joe”, I think, these are the days that I’m going to look back upon as some of my better days. The sun, the friendly people, the sea birds and sometimes other sea life, the hours of walking along the water.

But I’m neurotic and eat away at myself.

I’ve been studying lately. Study. Exercise. Eat (expensive foods, lately). I need money. I need to get a part time job.

I’m going to be traveling again soon. I’ll be gone for a while. I’ll have Internet access but don’t know if I’ll be too distracted. I wish I could talk about it here but I cannot.

Sometimes, I hate everything

Sometimes, I hate everything. Sometimes, I think things are great. Then BOOM. Kaboom. Crash. Explosions. Hatred and resentment.

And I DON’T trust that you have my best interests in mind. Then what.

You could have just TOLD me in the first fucking place, you know? So I don’t just grow more and more upset as the night goes on. So I don’t start building resentment and eventually explode and make a fool of myself yet again when I find out what’s actually going on. Why you don’t just fucking TELL me?

Communication sucks.

Sometimes, I hate people. I just hate people.

What I know is true is that since my divorce years ago, I find myself unable to forgive. Unable to stop suspecting the worst about people. Never letting my guard actually down.

You can be innocent but I will believe guilty until proven otherwise. Except, there is no proof that I’ll accept.