UPDATE: A symptom I’ve been forgetting to mention but have been experiencing for a couple of weeks: a strange, warm, fuzzy feeling in my stomach. It’s very unusual for me. It’s almost like, a positive, warm fuzzy happy feeling? It’s really weird.
UPDATE: The acid reflux stuff seems to have eased off
Got up for an appointment with a course professor at 9am
Went for a walk afterward
Ate breakfast/lunch at a cafeteria type place
Went to a library to focus on my studies
Kind of frittered away time once I got back home
Watching horse videos online and some stuff on learning disorders
Wrote an extremely long email to relationship counselor (she’s already replied; she’s very nice and makes me feel hopeful)
Extremely bad acid reflux or something during the night (I won’t go into details but it was very bad)
Very poor quality sleep last night
Light-headed at times
Okay mood until 1 thing bothered me with bf, then angry for like an hour
Anxious/surreal in the evening, but reason to be explained below
Got up around 10ish, I think, which isn’t terrible considering how poorly I slept
Ate breakfast with bf, who’d taken the day off
We also ate lunch together, halfway to our differing destinations
I volunteered at an animal shelter
We met back up, but alas I got defensive over a street crossing comment that is a sore topic because I always feel like he’s criticizing the way I cross streets, which I think is preposterous because I’ve driven for years and he’s never had a license and I think I know better what pedestrians do that is scary for a driver than him. But anyway.
We got home and I went to my computer and took about an hour there to process part of what I do as a volunteer. Meanwhile, I was wearing ear protection, like what is used on rifle ranges, because I had heard some talking downstairs and then a loud television, and I wanted to focus well on the volunteer stuff
But it turned out that my bf and his mom had a big blow up! I’ve never heard them have a blow up before. She told him to go to hell. I can’t fathom. He hates being her tech support and I guess she was asking him another question about her broken cell phone and he was refusing to help and things went out of control somehow.
So of course, then I start shaking, I don’t know why exactly — after all, I hadn’t heard any of it until he came up to talk with me about what was happening. I suggested that maybe she’d gotten upset when he told her it was easy and she could do it herself — I said that would upset me, anyway. He back down and apologized for that and said it wasn’t easy and was hard and that’s part of why he doesn’t like helping (he does tech stuff all day at work and doesn’t want to be tech support outside of work, which he made clear when we first moved in here — he had laid down 2 rules. 1) No loud TV after we’ve gone to bed, and 2) no asking him for tech support)
But anyway, it didn’t help, and she was really crying
I came down and bf was trying to explain something to her and she was sobbing into a kitchen towel while making us all dinner! I signalled for him to stop and whispered, emotional flooding. Conversation later, not during emotional flooding
Also, she said please watch the food, she would be leaving, she just had to leave (not sure where to fit this in)
I told her, it might be bad timing but I was just headed out to do a 1-tier Pokémon Go raid, would she like to come. She did (Update: Which was true– I’d been planning to go to that 1-tier raid so I wouldn’t waste a raid pass)
So she and I walked for at least an hour and ended up doing two raids and it was nice, although surreal
We all ate dinner together afterward but I can’t say things are totally fine yet, although they’ve chatted a bit and we all watched Dr. Who together just now.
I feel not normal but at least not depressed, so. That’s something.
Wow, it’s the 16th day? That means I didn’t go down another 5mg when I was supposed to (after 2 weeks, so that would have been yesterday-ish). Close enough. And let me tell you, this is more scary now than before, after I had two intense days of anger (which I tend to then turn inward into hopelessness).
15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
iron tablet, multivite tablet
exercise (walking & a little dancing & a little weights)
Kind of pessimistic outlook but not upset or anything
I painted yesterday evening. I wish I could share it on here. It’s perfect for a Homesick person. I’m not angry anymore (like I was yesterday and the day before). But I’m pretty scared for the upcoming days, if I really do start to reduce my Lexapro again tomorrow morning. Oh, man. The part that I look forward to is the one dose of Prozac. Last time, that took away all of my anxiety the next day! That was miraculous and I’d love to have that every day. You really can’t appreciate how debilitating anxiety is until you have a space without it. Those so-called “normal” humans have no idea. No idea, at all. I begrudge them.
Oh, also, my psychiatrist wrote me back a very kind message in response to what I sent yesterday when I was quite angry and had let her know what had upset me so much during our appointment. UPDATE: Just to clarify, I had been angry with my psychiatrist but that is different from what I was angry at yesterday & the day before. That latter anger went away either last night after painting, or during the night, or this morning.
Magnesium-whatever-else vitamin; fish oil capsule; chewable multi-vite
Hardly any exercise at all, though
Pretty chill all day
Angry a few times but not strongly and not for long; a mild tingle of anxiety once because I’m taking an exam tomorrow, but only for a split second and it was gone
I wonder if my chillness of today is from the 10mg of Prozac last night? Sweet dawg, that’s all I can say.
Perhaps a few moments of a strange feeling when I blink/ turn my head, but very mild
Seriously, if weaning off of Lexapro proves detrimental, I will be requesting a low dose of Prozac to go along with the Lexapro in the future. Walking around and experiencing no anxiety? Hearing people argue and experiencing no anxiety? Fucking awesome. Maybe I was mad to think I’d feel better OFF of the drugs. Maybe what I needed was just a change in meds!
But, stay the course for now! I’m dying of curiousity to see how I feel w/o the Lexapro.
I didn’t take my final today after all. Studied the whooole day, with my bf’s help. I’ll take it tomorrow morning NO MATTER WHAT.
Today begins a true attempt at weaning off of Lexapro 20mg, with permission and help from my psychiatrist. Update: I have been on the drug for over 10 years straight.
I definitely want to document this process so I will know if the withdrawal becomes too unbearable, or in the end if I just need to go back on because I was better on it, etc.
* 15mg Lexapro in the morning (with usual thyroid dose)
* 1 capsule of fish oil and a multivitamin, just because
* I must get in some solid exercise, just because
* tonight, 10mg of Prozac (this will allegedly ease the withdrawal symptoms because of the longer half life) UPDATE: I did not take it because I didn’t feel dizzy or zappy or anything
* Have had diarrhea and cramps for 2 days, totally unrelated (could be PMS, food not agreeing with me, or a bug)
* Very anxious about being on the 15mg today — waiting for the electric zappies to hit me at any time, but they haven’t started yet.
That’s all there is to report about this for now. 🙂
In other news, I’m doing terribly at focusing on schoolwork. TERRIBLY. But within three days of now, I will have taken another Final exam. I’m not sure if I’ll pass it.