Vitamins if I remember (maybe a couple of times a week)
Exercise (walking, bicycling, skiing)
Irritability only with certain people (such as my bf)
Insomnia now that I’m back home
Feeling that something BIG is going to happen soon (CHANGE)
Confused. Torn. Mixed up.
There’s no way for me to remember and write what has passed.
But I did go to my parents’ house. And spent time with my beloved, beloved dog, who has heart failure now. He’s living on borrowed time thanks to responding well to medicines. Every day he’s with us has always been and will remain a gift.
My dad’s going to turn 70? What? How?
Studying for class
Walking, very short walks with my dog, and longer walks with my mom
Skiing with my folks, and my bf when he came
The mountains, the snow, the smells, the sounds. The fresh air, the cold wind. The gravel, I could roll around in it and never get enough.
I miss it all so much. My heart stayed there. I’m a split person as I have been the whole time, but it’s more obvious right now. I’m dissociating mildly here right now. I’m not connected to this place. I don’t like living here.
But life is complicated and I have to let it slide in this moment of time. I believe the reduction of Lexapro from 20mg to 5mg has really made a large difference in me. I *feel* more like I used to feel, so long ago (I’ve been on Lexapro for over a decade). But that doesn’t mesh well with what’s around me today. I believe that the Lexapro put a bubble around me and I was okay with things I would never have been okay with before. It might reach back far enough to say that I wouldn’t have been married in the first place if I hadn’t been on Lexapro and had such drug-thickened skin. Life is weird.
This has been a difficult couple of days relationship-wise.
Bedtimes are out of control and I’m feeling extremely passive aggressive over it, which doesn’t help me accomplish anything productive, believe me.
I need to redo my resume. I need to apply to jobs again. I need to get a job. I need to earn an income.
Because… I need to feel more independent. I’m of half a mind to cut & run from this relationship right now. But I can’t feel objective about it when I’m so financially dependent right now.
Rant: I KNEW these things in advance. I TOLD myself I’d be more careful the next time. But that damn honeymoon period, so to speak, locks me into a relationship and I get to know and care about the other person. Then later, when it all settles out and the person doesn’t have the qualities I already know that I need, it’s hard to get out. What are the two main things I’m bitching about right now? *) Not a dog person, which is IMPORTANT to me, and *) Has even worse executive functioning than I have, which is a BIG DEAL for me. And I’ll add another: not fully aware of how poor his own executive functioning is. Definitely blamed ME for avoiding certain conversations, when it was so, so clear that the convos didn’t happen because we’d both forgotten and never got around to it! Give me a LITTLE bit of the benefit of the doubt, would ya? This is all not. easy. [[Note to the reader: this is NOT an unbiased story and it is NOT a complete picture in the slightest. I’m merely venting some poison.]]
I’m studying very slowly but thoroughly right now (it’s an important class, so I’m opting for over-studying rather than under-studying, atm).
It’s hard to know if I’m off by a day but it hasn’t mattered because I haven’t gone down by any more yet. I’m still holding steady at 10mg of Lexapro because I had gotten sick and didn’t want to make any changes at that point. But, my sickness has passed, aside from a random cough. Perhaps I will go down to the 5mg either tomorrow morning or the next day. We’ll see.
In the meanwhile, the meds have stayed the same:
10mg Lexapro, normal thyroid meds
vitamins, somewhat rarely this week (keep forgetting)
lots and lots of walking
I’ve started to drink electrolyte beverages again, and I think it’s made a big difference in how I feel
the last 2 or so nights, a little bit of clonazepam
A LOT of frustration
A LOT of irritation
A lot of feeling like I want to quit Accounting
When I was sick, some light-headedness and some electric zappies
There’s no way for me to remember the week past, but I remember a smattering:
Pokémon Community Day was awesome and fantastic exercise
I have received a Pokémon Go EX raid pass (big deal)
My last Pokémon Go walk with my friend, “Joe”, went well
I finally own rain boots (as of today)
I hate the Apple company with a burning passion right now (on that note, don’t schedule any appointments with them via online right now. Only do it by telephone. I won’t go into details, but if you do it online and then go there, you will have wasted your time and money)
Wow, it’s the 16th day? That means I didn’t go down another 5mg when I was supposed to (after 2 weeks, so that would have been yesterday-ish). Close enough. And let me tell you, this is more scary now than before, after I had two intense days of anger (which I tend to then turn inward into hopelessness).
15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
iron tablet, multivite tablet
exercise (walking & a little dancing & a little weights)
Kind of pessimistic outlook but not upset or anything
I painted yesterday evening. I wish I could share it on here. It’s perfect for a Homesick person. I’m not angry anymore (like I was yesterday and the day before). But I’m pretty scared for the upcoming days, if I really do start to reduce my Lexapro again tomorrow morning. Oh, man. The part that I look forward to is the one dose of Prozac. Last time, that took away all of my anxiety the next day! That was miraculous and I’d love to have that every day. You really can’t appreciate how debilitating anxiety is until you have a space without it. Those so-called “normal” humans have no idea. No idea, at all. I begrudge them.
Oh, also, my psychiatrist wrote me back a very kind message in response to what I sent yesterday when I was quite angry and had let her know what had upset me so much during our appointment. UPDATE: Just to clarify, I had been angry with my psychiatrist but that is different from what I was angry at yesterday & the day before. That latter anger went away either last night after painting, or during the night, or this morning.
Urge to effect abrupt, severe diet (restrict food intake)
I did not forgive yesterday nor have I been able to forgive yet today. These past two days are not good. I have spoken with person many times since the incident yesterday and I am still just as angry and distrusting and not wanting to be near person.
14th day: Having a LOT of trouble regulating blood sugar level
Someone snapped at me 20 min ago, and I don’t know how I’ll ever forgive person (grudge, much?)
UPDATE:Grudge did not go away or get better; got much worse when he tried to work it out with me; had a terrible evening, ended up self isolating on the back porch, in the dark, wanting so badly to cut myself
I cannot be sure if my mood and exhaustion are from the withdrawal or from my period starting.
I’m not sure I can handle this weekend. Tonight, a friend was over and my bf, myself, and the friend ate out together. Tomorrow, there is a dinner party here with bf’s mom’s friends. It is so hard to distance myself from helping with cooking in times like this. But I do not want to help cook. I would chew off my limb to avoid cooking. Then on Sunday, another dinner party, this time w/my bro and his gf. I need to pick up some things for it. My bf wants to make cookies rather than me purchase something, but he’s injured right now and I’m too damn tired to make cookies. I know I will be cleaning the whole downstairs before the dinner party; that doesn’t bother me. If I’m asked to help with cooking, though, it will be one more inflation to my balloon body that is already set to explode.
I just need to re-adjust my thinking. Remember, it’s “the holidays”. They’re supposed to be stressful. It’s not all relaxing and fun and games and sacred, peaceful moments of thoughtful reflection and prayer, like when you were a child (I was very spiritual although nobody else in my family was or knew).
As ever, there is something off.
In one forced smile and laughter that hits the wall and falls like a brick.
Judgement and judgement You are doing it all wrong! Why don’t you research before you do that?! Don’t you understand the health at stake?!
Voice straining. I’m shouting to your deaf ears.
And gesticulating in large loops and dramatic movements.
In one rush of smoke and air hot enough to scald, I pull back my hair and roll up my sleeves.
I breathe smoke in and explode fire from my lungs. AT YOU.
But really? A dark, snuggly, soft pit of despair would be my rest stop.
Tuck me in amongst the rocks and debris, sticks knotted in my hair.
Muddy tracks leading through the dust on my cheeks, from my eyes.
I want you HURT. You DESERVE IT. i want comfort, and swaddling, love, peace, acceptance, understanding.