Ever since my thyroid dose was lowered, I’ve had a lot of trouble with my irritability. I can go from happy-happy-happy to anger in about a split nano second. Unfortunately, once I’m angry, it LASTS.
What am I going to do?
Will we break up?
Will I quit my job?
Will I be without a place to sleep and keep my belongings?
I’m stressed, obviously. There’s been a breakdown. I had no idea the topic of housing would do this. But the stress is so high, I cannot think. I cannot make decisions about the simplest of topics any more. The anxiety is high, the stress is high, and I can’t focus on anything.
Schoolwork, tonight, seems irrelevant, when I don’t know really what my life will look like in two weeks. I mean, obviously we’ll just move in with his dad for now. Right? And I won’t mind it, once I’m there. I’ll adjust and it’ll be fine. (bf has executive fuction issues, too. Nightmare combo when it comes to this topic, it seems. or maybe he doesn’t care as much as I do, about where we live?)
But I’m mad that we never discussed it. We can’t, now. It’s too late to have a rational conversation with me. My walls are sky high and I can’t think. I’m in the haze. My mind is fuzz. My pulse is fast and weak. I shake a lot and my muscles are in pain.
I can’t talk anymore. This is shut down and I don’t know how to get out of it. So I say to myself, I could just leave altogether, and where would I go? I put in a sort of MORE official notice for my work last week. So I’ll have no income. But I’ll get a minimum-wage job, very parttime, and have a pathetic income. I looked up housing; I can’t afford anything around here on my own. So what am I going to do?
I have dreams about going Home all the time now, as the vacation slowly approaches. I’m wearing a wig and different clothes. Will that be enough to disguise myself? Maybe I shouldn’t go Home. I’m still too afraid of how my ex could respond if he sees me.
I have this headache. I get it every day. It comes along with this black, black, blackness in my head. How can I see the world in a positive way with this blackness hanging over my head?
My grades are still good. I’m doing all right, in school. It’s EVERYTHING else that is falling APART.
I ran this morning. I don’t mean that I physically ran, although I should do that for health reasons, but I left. My bf let me know that he was going to go grab a coffee with his roommate and his gf and I was free to join or meet them there or whatever, and I could sense they were in a hurry, so I started to say I’d like to join, but then could sense it again, so said go without me. I had just gotten out of the shower but actually only needed shoes in order to be ready; I’d already gotten dressed. Then I had this huge anxiety attack or something and like the walls were closing in around me. Like I just stand there and can’t make up my mind. Days go by and I just stand in one spot and can’t make a decision about the silliest things anymore. The sun rises and sets and I haven’t moved.
So I packed my school things and left and turned off my phone location settings so nobody could know where I was even if they looked. But I calmed down some minutes later and turned it all back on and wrote a note to say I’d be back soon. I’m just falling apart.
I spent like two days ago, I think, dissociating. I can’t take this stress right now. I’m so behind in so many things.
Afterward, today, my bf and I met his parents at the animal shelter near here, and we got to meet all of the cats and dogs. It was nice. My bf had set that up yesterday for me.
There’s got to be something.
My psychiatrist isn’t sure if I’m a bit depressed and need medical adjustment, or if it’s situational, what with the massive life changes I’m making and what not.
At this moment, I think my uncle is mad at me. I haven’t been staying in contact with him lately.
I’m staying in contact with my mom and my bf. That’s all, as of right now. It takes it all out of me, to keep up that much.
I’m staying caught up in school. Maybe too well. Not that I’m getting A’s, but I’m really staying caught up with homeworks and stuff. I’m putting everything into it. I’m often up until 11pm with homeworks and whatnot.
I’m irritable. I’m cranky. My eyes burn holes in things around me sometimes. I think I’d like to scream. Or eat less or exercise more, because I’m definitely spending so much money on food. I’m too tired to cook much right now, and am eating out A. LOT. It makes me hate myself a little bit. Because it’s SO wasteful. SO wasteful. And then I just feel bad about myself and my spending and I’m not exercising enough, and it all comes out as this yuck feeling toward everything around me.
So I’m cranky. And there are medical things I need to catch up on. Like my doctor referred me to a gynocologist because of those abnormal cells on a PAP and now a touch of irregular bleeding, but I just haven’t gotten around to making the appointment.
It’s all too much for me right now. I’m exhausted in the sense that I just don’t have the energy to do anything else, or start anything else, or research anything else, or look up names of doctors or see if they’re in my new health insurance’s network or anything. It’s too bloody much!
There are things I want to do, but after class, I’m done. I’m toast. I just want to crawl home and once I’m home, I’m okay again. I can set up my computer and my books or whatever and get to studying again. But I can’t think about traveling or visiting my uncle or my brother. I can’t think of going to work, out in that other city. I can’t volunteer or go to a beach or a go on a hike or hardly even a walk!!!!!!! My bike is neglected. Everything in my life outside of schoolwork and house chores is neglected right now.
I want that to change. I want to DO things again, I want to have some drive and energy. I still have the desire, so I know I’m not seriously depressed yet. But oh my god it is going to get close. You know??? I want to volunteer at an animal shelter. I want to spend time with dogs.
Do I want to keep living here?
- WHAT IF DECEMBER COMES AND WE STAY HERE AND ROOMMATE MOVES OUT SO THE TWO PET RULE IS NO LONGER HIT; WILL BF BE OKAY WITH ME GETTING A DOG?
- IF NOT, THEN I …?
- IF I DO GET TO VISIT HOME, AS I AM CONSIDERING DOING AT AN UNDISCLOSED TIME PERIOD, WILL I USE THE TIME TO SELL MY PONY????? DO I WANT TO SELL HER??? MUST I SELL HER???
- FINANCIALLY SPEAKING, YES. YES, I MUST SELL HER.
- WILL I USE THE TIME TO SELL MY CAR?
- I HAVE SENTIMENTAL ATTACHMENT TO MY CAR. MY PARENTS PICKED THE CAR AND MY DAD AND I PICKED THE COLOR. HE LIKES THE CAR. MY MOM LIKED ME HAVING THAT CAR. I’LL MISS THAT CAR. I HAVE A LOT OF MEMORIES OF THAT CAR.
- THE EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONING DIFFICULTIES AROUND HERE ARE MAKING THINGS VERY HARD. I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS THEM.
- I HAVE BEEN MANAGING ALL RIGHT WITH THE SCHOOLWORK BUT EVERYTHING ELSE.
- I NEED HELP.
My psychiatrist helped me to compile a “short list” of some of the doctor appointments I need to schedule, and gave me a one-week time frame in which to accomplish the calls. I am thankful; I hope I will make the calls soon. Tomorrow, actually. I would like to make the calls tomorrow. Perhaps I can do that around lunch time… which will hopefully not overlap with the offices’ lunch times.
School is going well and I even have a couple of acquaintances from the classes. There are several people who are in more than one of my classes, so that is fun. I love getting to chat with familiar faces there.
Jul 29 (Wed): Work; Stayed overnight at my uncle’s, alone
Jul 30 (Thu): Work; Bicycled on bridge while my brother jogged
Jul 31 (Fri): Work;
Aug 01 (Sat): RIVER RAFTING
Aug 02 (Sun): Dinner w/ Peter’s folks
Aug 03 (Mon): Work;
Aug 04 (Tue): NO THERAPY; Work 8a – 4p; Psychiatrist 5:30p
Wednesday: Work. Went to my aunt and uncle’s house. She was out of town, but my uncle and cousin were there. Peter joined us for dinner and then he left after we watched part of a silly movie, and I stayed and thought I’d sleep better, but slept poorly anyway.
Thursday: Work, but there was little to do, so I ended up watching Stephen Fry videos, inspired by BlahPolar’s blog. They were wonderful but I ended up on the topic of HIV and other things that made me feel quite ill after 4 straight hours on the topic. I felt so yuck at the end of the day, I started to try and contact people. I ended up in contact with my brother. He was actually in the area and about to go jogging on a bridge, so I joined him with my bicycle! It was sooooo beautiful. I felt so much better after that. Even though he thinks my upcoming plans still place me as a mooch / using/abusing the system around me. But I think we got along fine and we then had dinner together and it was really good.
Friday: The morning was strange in that Peter had to leave quickly and I was still getting ready for work. I floated around, doing random, unnecessary things, like deciding now would be a good time to mop part of the bathroom floor. I was still in the process of making myself breakfast when he showed back up — I didn’t know he was coming back after that appointment. But I’ll confess that was infinitely more helpful for me. Especially since I was considering practicing piano briefly after breakfast… Who knows when I’d have actually left for work on my own. Then we left together.
ADDITIONAL, IMPORTANT NOTE: I forgot to take my Lexapro + Thyroid medicine until around 4 pm. That is when I started to feel some odd withdrawal-type symptoms — which is what alerted me to the fact that I hadn’t taken my medicine.
It was this night that I have an odd email to my psychiatrist. After work, I think things felt fine. Peter and I made a dinner for ourselves. We were finishing up when his roommate and a mutual friend of theirs came over, and we all chatted. I was interested and engaged verbally with them when the topic of autism and programmers came up. I learned a different perspective. Then I was clearing up dishes and such and no longer having anything to say, but was sort of listening and wanting them to all keep having a nice time, when Peter’s roommate offered out some whiskey for himself and the friend. It was not offered to me or to Peter. Peter eventually asked if he could have some. I didn’t get up this bravery. (Mind you, I HATE whiskey and would have refused the offer anyway). But I felt so intensely jealous and left out. I went quite insane. My emotions literally took me to what I consider a bit of insanity. I couldn’t get past it. These emotions were building and I knew they have a cabinet where, if I had wanted some alcohol for myself, I could have surely asked and found something I would find palatable, and could have joined them and no longer felt left out. But I didn’t. I finished up the cleanup and then I think I went to my bedroom and sat and thought. It was already very late and dark outside, but I had the option of going outside, just down the street, and bringing myself back a wine cooler or something. Or I could go into a nearby bar and ask for a mixed drink. Or I could cut myself. That was a very, very strong urge. I could go into the kitchen, get a sharp knife that is likely not sterilized, and cut myself, and then have a bandage and another scar to deal with at some future point when I’m no longer feeling this burning and intensity inside.
I looked up how to go to bars alone as a female at night and stay safe. I read some tips online but none seemed that helpful. I was debating how to safely carry my wallet when Peter came to the room. I don’t know what I said to him but he asked if I wanted to go on a walk and I said yes, I was about to go on a walk. He asked if I wanted his company and I can’t recall my response; I was torn because I didn’t want him to leave his friend. I didn’t know that the friend and roommate were out on the deck partaking in marijuana anyway (or that probably would have sent me COMPLETELY over the edge with jealousy/ feeling left out).
But I agreed to his company and I hope I got across that I appreciated it. We walked. My fancy pedometer says I was walking very intensely for 2 hours. It took a while before I would talk about why I was so upset. I felt it was so STUPID and silly, I just wanted to walk off the feelings first and then later be able to talk about it in a detached way. But yeah, I finally talked about it, and I think I’m glad I did. He didn’t think feeling left out was a stupid/silly response. (He also pointed out that he and I are implicitly invited to join, but I’m not sure I could make that assumption). But I insisted my response was incredibly out of proportion to the scenario / fairly insane. I was INCREDIBLY upset for very little reason. (I’m a little concerned that Peter will be wary of people drinking around me in the future, since I reacted to this so strongly. But time will tell.)
We walked so hard that I had to stop at one point. I had been going even with a side stitch, but at the top of one hill, I got too light-headed to continue and ended up laying down on someone’s front steps.
Even when we got back, I was still upset. So I took 1 mg of clonazepam, and an unknown time later emailed my psychiatrist about it. I’m very concerned that the lowered thyroid dose has increased my mood instability. I have definitely felt more melancholy lately, but again, how can I know what is thyroid, versus my usual response to HUGE upcoming life changes?? I am very close to no longer being an employee for the first time since 2002. Even sometime in 2002, I got a part-time job. And I will be a full-time student for the first time since 2003!!! And that’s not to mention that Peter and I are going to buy me a wardrobe and us a bigger bed any day now, which will mark the time I’ll officially move in with him and begin to help pay rent/utilities and whatnot, and will also qualify for his health insurance as an opposite-sex non-married domestic partner (his work has that option). It is scary. But my own premiums went up $60 last month, making them now cost $785.66/month, I kid you not!!!!! But his insurance is much worse for prescription drugs. Instead of a set copay, it’s a percentage of the overall drug cost, which is very bad news if I ever have to take a drug that is costly. My thyroid and iron are very cheap, so that’s fine there, but I’ll have to shop around for the cheapest escitalopram (generic Lexapro). When that first went generic, it was still very expensive. But it’s been a good ‘nother year or two now, so hopefully the cost has gotten lower.
Anyway, I was eventually able to sleep.
Saturday: OMFG!!!! River rafting with Peter and two of my cousins and their dog, I kid you not!!!!!!!!!!!! It was SO FUN. OMG. (One of them is my cousin legally, the other is her fiance, but I count him as my cousin already.) So at the start, one of my cousins was running the car down and then bicycling back to our start position. My other cousin was walking around in the water and getting her dog used to the river (it was his first introduction to water / swimming). Meanwhile, Peter and I got used to the water temperature (it took me a while — I’m a huge chicken for feeling cold). Once in, we swam upshore a little way and watched some kids who were swinging off a tree and dropping off of a rope into the river. I decided to do it! CRAZY. Even though the water level was way down and so the dropping area was quite shallow, I decided to do it, because it’s something I’ve never done before and always thought I’d be too afraid to ever try. It’s good that the kids yelled at me when it was time to let go of the rope, because I’m afraid I would have kept holding on otherwise. It was fun! I touched bottom but I didn’t get hurt. It turned out to be sandy there, not rocky like the rest of the riverbed.
Anyway, there was very little current and so two of us were out of the “raft” at all times, pulling and/or “paddling” it down the river. We didn’t have paddles, but when the bottom was too deep for walking, we used our arms and legs to keep it moving. What a day. I feel terrible because Peter got terribly sunburned, even though we had slathered on sunscreen at the start. Apparently we went too long before re-applying it. Afterward, we all ate out together.
Sunday: I forgot to mention that while all this is going on, my parents and my dog have been out camping!!! I’ve been getting pictures of my dog snoozing with them in a tent. 🙂 It’s so sweet.
I have no records regarding what I did on Sunday. If I remember right, the day started very slowly and I had a killer time getting out of bed, yet again. At some point, we walked and I looked in a shop, and then we ate fries somewhere as a lunch-snack, because we were scheduled to eat with Peter’s folks for dinner (they were generously sharing a $100 coupon with us, from his dad’s work). We ate dinner with them and it was really good. We went to an Indian restaurant because they were trying so hard to make sure I’d have something to eat! My eating is a pain in the @$$, let me tell you. I’m going to try going back onto barley in the next couple of months.
PTA: Gluten-free, lactose-intolerant pescatarian. That’s what I am right now. PTA.
Monday: Work. Slow at first and I was able to post pictures of the rafting trip for my cousins. Then it got super busy and I had to stay a couple of hours late, but that was fine. Peter was late too, so we met around 8 pm and ate out. Then we got ready for bed. I tried to sleep in the bed, even if it meant I wouldn’t sleep well, but it actually turned out his very bad sun burn was causing him to be super ticklish and my hair kept bumping it, so I decided to sleep on the floor anyway. And I was able to fall asleep at some point, so I’m glad I moved down there. I’m too alert/aware to fall asleep, otherwise. I’m so anxious about having to flop around and wake the other person, I can’t relax enough to fall asleep.
Tuesday: Work. It’s slow so far, as you can see. Later, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist.
Mood Ranking for all of these various days: 2 (Friday, such strong self-injury feelings count as a 2; in my book, there’s only one step lower) – 5 (Bicycling on the bridge with my brother; River rafting w/Peter and my cousins)
Jul 10 (Fri): Work; Night at my uncle’s house
WHY can’t companies CALL ME BACK!!!!!! I am trying to get my shit DONE. I have a million loose ends and am so stumped by people not getting back with me. I leave voice mails and emails and get … silence. Gah.
Meanwhile, you could never imagine this. Hollywood couldn’t have come up with this plot:
For those who don’t know, I was briefly terminated from my health care coverage. This is because they never received my March check in the mail. I found out on June 1, but they said I was terminated as of May 1, because they were trying to put my June check into May, because of the 1 check gap… Well I could explain this all better but I don’t have a lot of time. Anyway, long story shorter, I appealed it, and also started to look into government health insurance. And I called up my bank and put a stop on the missing check. So while I went into appeals, they did not consider me terminated, although if they were to decide negatively against my appeals, then I would owe them for everything back starting on May 1.
Well, to get government health insurance, I would need to have my termination letter in hand and submitted by June 30. So I was waiting between June 1 and June 30 in suspense for my appeals to be decided upon by my COBRA provider. I was freaking out a bit. On June 30th, I finally started to beg and plead over the phone (I had been calling every week to check on my appeals anyway). They were able to get hold of the person in charge of making the appeal decisions, and my case was APPROVED. Whewph. My goodness, what a stressful time.
So on June 30, that same day, they somehow generate a letter that goes to my OLD address and under my OLD last name, saying I’ve lost insurance coverage due to a divorce. Um… Wha? I called the company immediately and the lady I spoke with had no idea how that letter had been generated, what it means, and suggested I ignore it.
Meanwhile, here where I live now, I get a letter ALSO dated June 30, that is a RETURN OF MY CHECK THAT STARTED THIS WHOLE CRAZY MADNESS IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!! They return it with a letter saying they couldn’t deposit it because there’s a stop on it. …. WHA..?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Seriously. What is wrong with this company???
They HAD the check this whole time?!?! So what has this all been about?!?! That check is from back in February, written for March, and I put a stop on it on June 1. Now I have it back. Anyway, on June 30, to my current address and correct last name, they also sent the letter saying I have coverage.
Okay. In other news. I’m going to my aunt & uncle’s tonight and will stay the night. I want to be there first thing in the morning tomorrow so I can help clean up (dust and vacuum and such) before the BBQ party! I’m going to SLEEP tonight; I’m planning on using an experimental sleep aid tonight. A few of you who have been with me from the beginning will know what I’m referring to. I used it once last week and that is the only night in a month where I’ve gotten any sleep (I’ve been using my sleep monitor again and the sights aren’t pretty).
Mood Ranking: 5
There is too much going on, too much going wrong, all at the same time. I can’t keep up. It’s so close, something’s going to snap, something’s going to happen. This is day 2 of having an urge to cut. I’m not going to to do it, I’m just really stressed out right now.
And these MOOD swings.
It’s funny, when I get angry, I wipe messages off my phone. Like, just take a person and wipe them. They aren’t even the person or thing I’m mad at. I just get less emotionally attached in general and it makes it easier for me to clean up my phone. Normally I hoard old messages because there are photos and stuff embedded into there that I’ll never get back and that’s really sad.
I have such a terrible stomach ache.
I lost my health insurance coverage today. It was carelessness on my part (if I had mailed (postmarked) the check YESTERDAY, I’d still be covered. I’ve missed it by ONE DAY), combined with one of my checks getting lost in the mail, which I didn’t know about. So I didn’t just lose it for this month. I lost it for last month. Last month I had a whole panel of dental x-rays, a cleaning, a primary care doctor visit, bloodwork, therapy, and a psychiatrist appointment.
Fuck that. I will pay for it all because I’ll have to, but that’s it. No more doctors, no more appointments.
I asked to go off of my antidepressants during my last psych appointment but she said she’d like to see me remain emotionally stable for a full year first. Well now there is not going to be the money for such nonsense.
I have an appointment for a state health insurance help person tomorrow. But I am
Wow, I just flipped out and deleted 4 GB of messages off my phone. That’s going to hurt later but not right now.
I want to give up on everything. I applied to a school today.
This lady was supposed to meet me today at 7 for something that would have been a hugely good thing but she can’t find anyone with a truck so she’s not going to. But I’d already told my uncle and everyone that it was happening today and now it’s not. Sucks.
Funny. I turned my phone off a bit ago and forgot it was off. I only want it on in case that lady changes her mind.
My mum video-chatted with me and my grandma was in the background. She seemed more mentally “aware” than I was lead to believe. Although also asleep 95% of the time we were talking, but when she was awake, her responses were related to the conversation.
Okay, now I’ve trimmed my finger nails. I’ve calmed down a bit. Very volatile inside. Like I’ve eaten wrong but I don’t think it’s just that, although I think I did. Nope, haven’t calmed down.
Kind of have the urge to go to Peter’s place and collect all my things and bring them back to my uncle’s. Want to clear out my office at work, too. My stuff is too spread. It’s not right. I need to get a handle on my belongings. They’re everywhere.
And I asked Peter a question I’m really ashamed of having asked. Maybe to him it wasn’t a big deal question, but I bet it was. It is for me anyway, although I asked out of desperation and held some hope for all the wrong reasons. So that’s most of why I’m upset right now. Blame him for being logical. Blame myself for allowing myself the tiny bit of hope about the topic. Knew all along the correct answer. Stupid. Frustrating. My own fault.
Tomorrow’s my last full day around here — the next day, I leave for my grandma’s. My aunt (different aunt) has asked me to help with organizing some things they moved out of my grandma’s old assisted living home and that can’t be brought to her new home, which I guess is a nursing home.
I’m not happy today; I am not pleased. This is not good. How am I supposed to pay for all of my May medical expenses? The mouth thing is just going to have to fuck off. I’ve been referred to an oral surgeon but that ain’t happening. Right now? I wouldn’t even care if it was life threatening and going to kill me in a few years. I think it’s safe to say I’m upset right now. Today’s Mood Ranking (subject to change when I calm the fuck down): 2.5
No more smiles.
No more giggling.
No more touching hands.
Walk into the darkness, into the rain.
Lightening flashes over my head.
My steps pound the dirt.
Don’t turn to me then.