Weaning off Lexapro: Day 16

Bright, maybe full moon behind a field of clouds, and tips of trees straight up

A field of clouds in front of the moon tonight

Wow, it’s the 16th day? That means I didn’t go down another 5mg when I was supposed to (after 2 weeks, so that would have been yesterday-ish). Close enough. And let me tell you, this is more scary now than before, after I had two intense days of anger (which I tend to then turn inward into hopelessness).

Today:

  • 15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • iron tablet, multivite tablet
  • exercise (walking & a little dancing & a little weights)

Symptoms:

  • Pretty neutral
  • Kind of pessimistic outlook but not upset or anything
  • Headaches

I painted yesterday evening. I wish I could share it on here. It’s perfect for a Homesick person. I’m not angry anymore (like I was yesterday and the day before). But I’m pretty scared for the upcoming days, if I really do start to reduce my Lexapro again tomorrow morning. Oh, man. The part that I look forward to is the one dose of Prozac. Last time, that took away all of my anxiety the next day! That was miraculous and I’d love to have that every day. You really can’t appreciate how debilitating anxiety is until you have a space without it. Those so-called “normal” humans have no idea. No idea, at all. I begrudge them.

Oh, also, my psychiatrist wrote me back a very kind message in response to what I sent yesterday when I was quite angry and had let her know what had upset me so much during our appointment. UPDATE: Just to clarify, I had been angry with my psychiatrist but that is different from what I was angry at yesterday & the day before. That latter anger went away either last night after painting, or during the night, or this morning.

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Weaning off Lexapro: Day 15

Field of lit clouds on blue sky in the evening, with a bit of swingset chains in view

Swingset and clouds this evening

Today:

  • 15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • exercise (walking)
  • swung for a while at a playground

Symptoms:

  • Extreme anger
  • Extreme resentment
  • Extreme hopelessness, disconnection, grayness, sorrow, alone
  • Fingertips still tingly
  • Urge to effect abrupt, severe diet (restrict food intake)

I did not forgive yesterday nor have I been able to forgive yet today. These past two days are not good. I have spoken with person many times since the incident yesterday and I am still just as angry and distrusting and not wanting to be near person.

Weaning off Lexapro: Day 13 + 14

Sunset with a field of golden clouds

Sunset from 2015

13th Day:

  • 15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • Fish oil, multivite
  • little exercise (some walking)

14th Day:

  • 15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • UPDATE: multivite
  • UPDATE: 1mg lorazepam, before bed

Symptoms:

  • 13th day: Actually quite upbeat / feeling okay
  • Still kind of tingly fingertips
  • 14th day: Having a LOT of trouble regulating blood sugar level
  • Someone snapped at me 20 min ago, and I don’t know how I’ll ever forgive person (grudge, much?)
  • UPDATE: Grudge did not go away or get better; got much worse when he tried to work it out with me; had a terrible evening, ended up self isolating on the back porch, in the dark, wanting so badly to cut myself

I’ve been studying quite a bit lately.

Weaning off Lexapro: Day 7

Water's surface on a gray day

Water on a gray day

Today:

  • 15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • Multivite, fish oil capsule
  • Hardly any exercise (walking)

Symptoms:

  • NOT IN A TALKATIVE MOOD except with my boyfriend
  • VERY tired

I cannot be sure if my mood and exhaustion are from the withdrawal or from my period starting.

I’m not sure I can handle this weekend. Tonight, a friend was over and my bf, myself, and the friend ate out together. Tomorrow, there is a dinner party here with bf’s mom’s friends. It is so hard to distance myself from helping with cooking in times like this. But I do not want to help cook. I would chew off my limb to avoid cooking. Then on Sunday, another dinner party, this time w/my bro and his gf. I need to pick up some things for it. My bf wants to make cookies rather than me purchase something, but he’s injured right now and I’m too damn tired to make cookies. I know I will be cleaning the whole downstairs before the dinner party; that doesn’t bother me. If I’m asked to help with cooking, though, it will be one more inflation to my balloon body that is already set to explode.

I just need to re-adjust my thinking. Remember, it’s “the holidays”. They’re supposed to be stressful. It’s not all relaxing and fun and games and sacred, peaceful moments of thoughtful reflection and prayer, like when you were a child (I was very spiritual although nobody else in my family was or knew).

Poem: Off by a …

As ever, there is something off.
In one forced smile and laughter that hits the wall and falls like a brick.
Judgement and judgement
You are doing it all wrong! Why don’t you research before you do that?! Don’t you understand the health at stake?!

Voice straining. I’m shouting to your deaf ears.
And gesticulating in large loops and dramatic movements.

In one rush of smoke and air hot enough to scald, I pull back my hair and roll up my sleeves.
I breathe smoke in and explode fire from my lungs.
AT YOU.

But really? A dark, snuggly, soft pit of despair would be my rest stop.
Tuck me in amongst the rocks and debris, sticks knotted in my hair.
Muddy tracks leading through the dust on my cheeks, from my eyes.

I want you HURT. You DESERVE IT.
i want comfort, and swaddling, love, peace, acceptance, understanding.

Mood Turbulence

Fruit smoothie with spinach and arugula added

Add some extra nutrients in there…

My moods have been insane lately. I don’t know what lately means. Two weeks? A month? A year? Two years? Just since I got back from visiting my parents and dog?

It’s worse for me at this moment because two weeks ago, “Joe”, who had been getting more depressed by the day for several weeks, snapped at me over something that was definitely innocent on my part. What he said was very rude and inappropriate and I didn’t address it well. In spite of his immediate apology, I had already shoved it aside in my head and didn’t deal with it and I still haven’t. What you said was like being punched in the stomach. That’s how taken aback I was for a moment. And then I made excuses, Aw he’s just really depressed and has been alienating all of his friends and I don’t want him to lose me as a friend, too. Yada yada. Kept on our walk.

But it wasn’t the same. And this week’s walk wasn’t the same, either. Because I don’t really forgive anyway. I suspect I don’t actually forgive any one for any thing anymore.

So then today, there was a point where we had to make a decision about which direction to head. We both had a preference, which is rare. We both had a strong preference. I made mine clear but instead of saying, “no” to his preference, I acquiesced. And then silently resented him for the next hour or so. I had nothing to say. It’s not like I intentionally think to myself, “I’m going to give X the silent treatment now.” It’s just that, when I’m upset with a person, I don’t trust that person and have no interest in speaking and nothing on my mind to share. It’s very hard.

Back to my main point. Since things are weird between me and my only real-ish friend, “Joe”, it’s making it hard to trust myself and my sanity at all. I’m already having a hard enough time with “Peter”, with how we keep triggering each other (we’re seeing a therapist now, which seems promising).

I need help. Aside from facts and moments in time, my moods are unstable. They are flying up and down. I go from bliss to anger in an instant. I don’t feel that I can control it. And I have no patience and no tolerance.

There are “easy” (clear-cut, that is) things that can only help:

  1. Create and stay on a REGULAR sleep schedule (this has NOT been reality)
  2. Create and stay on a REGULAR eating schedule (this has NOT been reality)
  3. Eat nutritiously at every meal
  4. REDUCE the amount of refined sugars (my moods have been INSANE)
  5. Create and stay on a REGULAR exercise schedule (I have been exercising, but not at set times and not for set amounts)

I believe that I need the forced routine of a job or face-to-face classes to get back into the land of the somewhat living and normal. I applied to a part-time position recently but they had just filled the position. There is a full-time job I’m going to apply to, perhaps tomorrow. But, I really only want part-time, for the sake of finishing my online school.

Sometimes, I hate everything

Sometimes, I hate everything. Sometimes, I think things are great. Then BOOM. Kaboom. Crash. Explosions. Hatred and resentment.

And I DON’T trust that you have my best interests in mind. Then what.

You could have just TOLD me in the first fucking place, you know? So I don’t just grow more and more upset as the night goes on. So I don’t start building resentment and eventually explode and make a fool of myself yet again when I find out what’s actually going on. Why you don’t just fucking TELL me?

Communication sucks.

Sometimes, I hate people. I just hate people.

What I know is true is that since my divorce years ago, I find myself unable to forgive. Unable to stop suspecting the worst about people. Never letting my guard actually down.

You can be innocent but I will believe guilty until proven otherwise. Except, there is no proof that I’ll accept.