Well, here I go. I’ll be away from the computer for a couple of weeks. I spent the entire day yesterday attempting to pack but it was overwhelming. Executive function for the … not win. Came in 200th, perhaps?

Anyway, I found a group of people that plays PokémonGO, so when I get back, I’ll be able to meet up with more people for the level 4 raids. Very exciting. Real, human people. I met them the other day and they gave me a plushie Pokéball because they had extra. I like this. They had a bag of battery packs on the ready in case anyone needed one. They’re prepared.

I need to stop picking at my acne. Bandaids are in play. The pictures are going to look awful.

One main issue outstanding: I never signed the paperwork over for my pony. If I die on this trip, there will be some contention over ownership, and that’s not what I want. I should at least write a non-legally-binding letter letting people know my intention to transfer her my pony.

Everything else? If I die, I don’t believe there is anything else that would be difficult to clear up. So, I just need to write out my letter of intention and I’ll be good to go on this trip with perhaps lighter shoulders.

Cheers, all.

Ponies and such

It’s hard to look into the eye of a life change that already happened without you acknowledging it. I moved away a couple of years ago and left my pony behind out of necessity. It’s becoming more “real” that she won’t be mine and I’ve been feeling completely numb and irritable for the past few days.

It’s a GOOD thing for my pony; the lady who wants her is very dominant– exactly what my pony needs in order to listen and stay safe. They’re both full of energy. It should be a good fit. But it’s hard. I’m selfish and “want” this horse to be mine forever. I’ve had her for a very long time. She was still pretty young when I first got her; now she is at least 11.

But it’s the giving up of the horse world. I wonder if I resent that I got involved with a human that isn’t into horses and doesn’t want to live with them on his property. In a past life, I would have found that unacceptable. Now, year by year my old life slips away.

I’m in a city and there are things about that that I like. I like that there are always people around, and their energy. I like all the street lights and people and in some ways, I feel safer in this environment than I ever did alone in the woods.

But at the same time, I don’t feel like I’m home and I don’t expect to live in a city forever. Home is where the horses are. Home is where the mountains are. Home is where the forests are.

I don’t know if I’ll ever make it back home. But I am telling myself that I want to stay here until I get this Accounting degree. AFTER that, I will be free to leave. AFTER it, I will be free to find a horsey place and breathe them and hear them and feel their steps around me. I’ll have a dog again (maybe foster dogs). I will make this happen AFTER I get a degree. It should take 2 or 3 more years.

This is life and I must remember to breathe and enjoy the scents here. There are trees around. There is sometimes a very strong sun and warmth on my face. I might feel lonely at times, but I’m certainly never alone here. It’s strange to me that there isn’t a single horse barn in the city. Not a single one. I guess real estate in populated areas would make it unaffordable, since horses need a lot of room. But it’s too bad. Wouldn’t people pay a bundle for carriage rides through parks?

If this is all there is to life, it will be okay. I am getting outside to walk a lot now (thanks to Pokémon Go– which will certainly cause some of you to pull back with some disdain). It’s also got my out and bicycling quite a bit. I’m getting lots of outdoor exercise. What more could I want from life? (Other than to go back to my old-old life, with my parents and my dog, and my pony at the first barn, and gardening and painting and writing and drawing and watching “The Dog Whisperer”…) Funny that the time I’d look back on as my favorite was from a couple of years after my failure at college, and after my Asperger diagnosis, just chilling with my folks, working parttime (at a high-paying job that was very difficult for me) and taking care of my animals and plants. THAT was LIFE.

So I am doing a little bit of “life” right now, with the outdoor exercising. I drew a picture the other day. I knit a tiny bit yesterday (first time in years). But I’m so, so numb right now. Hopefully it will pass quickly. I do need to solidify the transfer of ownership of my pony, however.

Log: May 6 (Wed) Happy today

May 5 (Tue): Work 10:45a – 5:30p; Music practice w/”Peter” 6:45p;

Dinner Plan:
*Complete Protein: Leftover brown Jasmine rice w/ pine nuts
*Non-starchy Vegetable(s): Tomato, Asparagus, Leftover green beans
*Other: PBJ for “Peter”; tomato sauce for me;

To Buy:
*A non-broken watch with multiple alarms feature …SUCCESS
*An avocado?
*A red bell pepper?
*Romaine lettuce?
*Trail mix, to bring to work

To Do:
*At work: Invoice#1wj (3/4 done; waiting on supervisor’s revisions)
*At work: Invoice#2sur (3/4 done; waiting on supervisor’s revisions)
*At work: Invoice#3dc (3/4 done; waiting on supervisor’s revisions)
*At work: Invoice#4gas (3/4 done; waiting on supervisor’s revisions)
*Any time: At least 2 Accounting lectures …HALF SUCCESS

*Any time: Apply for Music Workshop scholarship
*Any time: Write and send thank you letter to my aunt & grandma

*After work: Make seven more PBJs and bring to work + freeze
*After work: Practice music
*After work: Deposit check

To Pick Up From Uncle’s House:
*Last month’s therapy bill to submit to insurance
*My VitaMix
*My birth certificate, for passport application
*My back-up drive
*Some earrings
*My hairbrush

Lap cat

Lap cat

The log part for today: I’ve been in a great mood so far today. Going to sleep before 11p must have helped a lot. I was seriously falling apart yesterday; I nearly started crying just for no reason at all. I feel good today. There were train issues this morning, so I ended up bicycling a good part of my morning commute. It was great. I think I will start doing that just because. It’s hard, because it didn’t actually save me any money, so that won’t remain motivating for me. Well, it saved $0.20, actually. So maybe it will motivate me.

Anyway, I feel better today, I think partly because I’m getting some things accomplished, too. The sleep. The food ideas. Learning a little bit about Accounting each day now. I was pretty productive at work yesterday and again so far this morning (although I am now waiting for certain documents to be sent back to me with the revisions, so I can then finalize them).

I’m okay. Right now, at this very moment, I wouldn’t change anything. Except for the unknown about what to do with my pony, who is actually not a pony but a small horse. I just call her a pony because she’s 1 inch too short to be “horse” sized. She’s a horse breed, however. I need to figure out what to do with her.

I was emotional yesterday, as we’ve already discussed. I was falling apart. Something reminded me of Fuji apples (“something” being that we bought some Fuju apples, haha) and I told “Peter” the story of the time I nearly sold my other horse, before her neurological disorder diagnosis. It was the largest Fuji apples I’ve ever seen in my life, right there in that grocery store back home, that caused me this massive, massive meltdown in the store. In the end, I told the people not to come pick her up as planned the following day. I told them I needed another week to mentally be okay with parting with her. I am glad they didn’t end up getting her; she’d probably be dead now if they had, because of her diagnosis. Instead, she lives a very happy life in the Blue Sky Horse Rescue in Oregon (please support them however, whenever you can!).

It made me realize/remember that however calm and stable and distant I am about selling my pony today, the reality is much harder. I often don’t “feel” my emotions about projected future events until they’re RIGHT ON ME. So it doesn’t matter how calm and okay I am with the idea of parting with my pony today. When it becomes “real life” for me, that’s when I fall to pieces and it all really sinks in and I “feel” how much I miss her and care about her.

But, that can’t be a reason to keep her. The truth is, I want the money. I want the money that I’m spending on her to go into Savings instead. I’m feeling a growing panic inside of me, that is telling me that I need to hoard my money closer to myself. Less doctor visits. Less frivolous spending. Less groceries. Less eating out. Less money going to my friend back home who is caring for my pony. This probably all relates to the pretty extreme anxiety attack I had the other day. I mean, it was a really bad anxiety attack. I had suicidal thoughts during it (my thoughts told me that I was basically completely, hopelessly beyond hope of ever having money stored away for retirement age, because I am in my thirties and still haven’t invested or anything. As thought I have already ‘missed the boat’ and it’s too late now).

But I’ve got to figure out a way to remedy this somehow. Gotta keep working toward a stable income / maybe a stable career (Accounting?) and then a stable living situation. That’s what it would take, I think. I have to try.

UPDATE #1: I’ve just eaten some lunch (oops, late again). I’m all alone at work today. So I have music of 100% my own choice playing a little loudly (hopefully I’m not disrupting neighboring offices). I had to do a few dance steps after I finished washing my dishes. Good moods are so great. I don’t care of it’s just my brain misfiring, excess dopamine, whatever.

UPDATE #2: Crash and burn. After tonight, I’m going to take a break. My depression is trying to come back. I can’t have that. I can feel it trying to find its way in through the cracks. It’s scaring me.

Today’s Mood Ranking (subject to change): 3-5.5 – 6.5

Pro: Amazon Smile and Donations

This is for anybody who buys items through Amazon.com. If you aren’t familiar with Amazon Smile, please become acquainted with it!

All you do is log in using a slightly modified website address: smile.amazon.com. You just log in using your normal username and password. This works whether or not your account is a Prime account!

I have not found a way to do this through their mobile app. As far as I can tell, you have to use a browser and log in through smile.amazon.com. A work-around that somebody else figured out is to use the mobile app to add items to your cart, and then switch to the smile.amazon.com site in your browser, your items show up in the cart, and buy them through there.

You can even change which charity you are supporting, so you could theoretically support a different charity every month, for example!

I was actually able to confirm with Blue Sky Horse Rescue that they are indeed receiving the donation $$$ from my use of Amazon Smile! It is legit.

If any of you do not have a personal favorite charity you wish to support, please, PLEASE consider Blue Sky Horse Rescue in Klamath Falls, Oregon. They literally saved the life of one of my favorite horses, the sweetest, sweetest mare who has a neurological condition and is still with the rescue today. After a horrible time about a year ago, the rescue is now under new management and they are doing a lot of good, hard work to save the lives of horses, get a foster program going and an adoption program for the adoptable horse. Their most recent new arrivals are two underweight horses, one of whom is missing an eye.

PRO: Folks who know when to rehome a beloved animal

Beloved pets

Beloved pets

Who else has seen people unconditionally BASH other people for putting an animal up for adoption / rehoming? You hear things like “your dog is family; you CANNOT rehome him.” “You have no soul.” “How could you do such a horrible thing?” My most beloved horse rescue group has actually issued a statement that they will NOT adopt out a horse to anybody who has ever given an animal to rescue before.

While I CAN SEE how the statement can apply to SOME PEOPLE who do part with animals without consideration to the animal (some for profit, some because they don’t want to deal with an elderly animal, etc), please, if you’ll allow me, I’d like to point out a few items that I would like people to consider before making blanket statements such as that.

You cannot know what the other person’s life situation is like at that moment. It might appear obvious that someone is heartlessly dumping an animal, but please pause and consider:

  • Perhaps there is an illness in the family and they cannot give the time the animal deserves. When stress in a family is high, it can be so draining on an emotional level that there is just no ability or energy left to care for the beloved animals.
  • Perhaps there is a financial change and they are at their wit’s end of making ends meet and recognize that pet food comes secondary to people food, and can’t bear to watch the animal’s weight drop.
  • Perhaps a family member has developed a new, severe allergy to the animal (This one is so easy for other people to judge! “Oh, take some allergy medicine then, idiot!” “So run an air filter!” “Bathe and brush the animal every day. Duh.” But until you have lived every day and night with terrible allergies and had your immune system and sleep and skin and overall HEALTH break down slowly because of it, you REALLY don’t know what it’s like).
  • Perhaps the ANIMAL is unhappy. There are matches between owner and pet that turn out to be very wrong — the pet needs FAR more exercise and stimulus than the busy, working owners can provide. The pets rehomed have a whole new shot at a busy, adventurous life! I know several people who have done this for their pet.
  • Perhaps the ANIMAL has the medical issue. I KNOW it looks horrible to see the ads of people rehoming animals with medical needs but think about it. Not everybody is able to provide the necessary care. Not everybody has the finances! Not everybody has the dominance needed in some cases to administer the care to an unwilling animal. Not everybody has the time to provide the level of medical attention the animal needs throughout the day. Sometimes there is the option of euthanizing the animal or seeing if an able home will take the pet in.

There are SO many other possible scenarios.

My personal stories:
I have personally parted with 3 cats, 2 horses, and my beloved dog.

  • My first pony. She went to a very good home when I went away to college. It was very traumatic for me and was not at all what I wanted to do. When I came back from college, however, her “children” loved her too much and she was too happy. I did not ask for her back, like was the arrangement.
  • My first two cats are with my ex, or else he has rehomed them. I do not know.
  • My almost first cat, I rehomed quickly. We adopted her the day before her euthanasia day and I fell in love with her. But I was so allergic, I couldn’t sit with her for even 5 minutes. It was very sad. She was very beautiful, regal, and friendly. My boss at the time took her in! And she fit in SO PERFECTLY with their family and her child human writes elementary school poetry about their “good” cat. 🙂
  • One of my horses, I had shipped to a rescue in a different state, for financial reasons. I’m still not sure I made the right choice on which horse I kept — One of them had to go, so I kept the one who costs literally half as much to feed. But I was very connected with the horse who went to rescue. She also had medical issues so nobody in my state would touch her with a ten foot pole. I had planned to get her back once my finances are stable again, but firstly, when will I ever have finances? and secondly, they have already stated they will not adopt out to someone who has given up an animal to rescue… My own state’s rescue offered to euthanize her for free. Instead, she has lived years now in the most wonderful, hay-filled field with other horses she gets along with (they have sent me many pictures over the years). Once I have a month with some extra money, I am going to donate to them again.
  • My beloved boy (my dog). He will live out the rest of his life with my parents. He is so blissfully happy with them, and they are in love with him. He has the best life any dog could ever hope for. I only wish I could be living there, too.
  • My current pony, who lives out of state still. I’d like to have her here but realistically, I don’t see how I’d ever leave the house to go visit her. So instead, I will surely have to part with her. I chatted with someone yesterday about giving her to them for free (I know the person and he would treat her fairly and ride often). But she is a tough one to rehome because she doesn’t get along with other horses (she’s not just the most dominant mare; she’s kind of mean to the other horses).

Anyway, please don’t judge someone because they have rehomed or given up an animal. While there can be cases of poor intentions, please don’t assume that is the case. In many cases, it will be best for the animal.

It’s me. (Goals#010) (Journal#051)

I just did something really fun. I took my bicycle and Bailey down to a long, flat road, waited for the cars to pass, and then let her run with me. At first, she sort of kept by my side, just trotting along, and then a bit of a canter, so I sped up to keep up. Then it’s like she realized she could really let out some steam, and she started flat out running, so I sped up more to keep along side her. I’m pretty sure she’d report to you that she tasted some doggy heaven. You could see it in her whole body: WOOO HOOOOO!!!!!!!!! We had to slow down again for some traffic. On the way back, she was a lot slower. Finally, a tired dog! We went a little farther, just at a slow trot, and then walked back home. She did really well!! I’d say she only spent maybe 2% of the entire time trying to go in the wrong direction or toward another dog. lol 98% behaving as a perfect bicycling dog is pretty damn amazing, considering I have no idea if she’s ever done that before!!!

If I die tomorrow, have I accomplished anything? I made a dog happy for a brief moment in time. That’s something.

How will I feel good about myself? I want to help network sheltered animals to their new homes. I want to help the situation of people with no homes.

How can I do these things when I’m afraid to leave my home most of the time? What is within my walking distance that is close enough that I won’t get exhausted on the way? Why can’t other things feel as valuable to me personally?

I feel an odd urgency to get this started. Today. I wish an animal shelter was near me. Right next to me. I’d be there every day. I’ve only ever networked two animals to better places, but to me, that is what feels worthwhile in my life. All other moments, I feel are wasted away and wasting me away.

I grow more worthless by the day. I have to turn this around, Now.

Comic: Good Luck Using A Curly Horse’s Mane For Balance! (Comic#024)

(I’m back for a sec– couldn’t leave on such a sad picture as the last one.)

Don't Grab A Curly By The Mane

Good luck using a Curly’s mane for balance!

Explanation: Many of the extreme Curly horses shed their manes and tails annually (some even shed body hair), if they’re lucky enough to grow tail hair at all, that is. On the best day, their mane hairs pull out quite easily. Many people grab their (non-Curly) horse’s manes to get on or to stabilize while riding, especially when riding bareback. If you try to balance yourself by grabbing a Curly’s mane while riding… Good luck. :o)