Probably need

In truth, I probably need some extra help right now. My stress is up way too high. Interpersonal dynamics are very difficult for me right now. School is at a fairly overwhelming point. Tutoring is still going well but I probably shouldn’t have signed up for the max hours.

My SO’s mom, I haven’t written about this, but she is recovering from a cancer surgery. It was her fourth, distinct type of cancer removed. Nobody knows why she is so prone to having cancer. I don’t mean 4 different instances of the same cancer; I mean quite literally four different types. I’ve been around for two of them being removed; the other two types were removed long before I knew of my SO. She’s amazing. But this one involved part of the last adrenal being removed, so now she is in the process of figuring out proper cortisol dosing and it’s really hard. Sometimes she’s very exhausted.

It has changed the living dynamics, for me. My stress is through the roof. There is the worry, and the knowledge that at least two of the cancer types have a good chance of returning “someday”, and how it’s hard to see how tired she is when knowing her to be always so full of energy and drive at all times, before.

But there are the selfish monster stresses, too. Like when she chooses to cook for all of us, but I’d rather eat dog food than help with cooking, but now she sometimes does ask us to help, and I KNOW it’s the good and right thing to do, but at the same time, I’d really, honestly eat dog food if I had the choice of doing so OR cooking…

Or the times when I’d like to spend an evening with just my SO, but he invites his mum to literally everything we do now. But that’s SOOOO selfish of me. Why wouldn’t he want to see her enjoying the events, too? And why shouldn’t she? She’s been incredibly generous with me the whole time I’ve known her. Maybe he’s worried she won’t be around forever, you know? That’s totally understandable.

Quite frankly, if my folks would only move down here, I’d surely be inviting them to everything, too. I wish I could see them every single day of my life. It’s hard not to.

But the fear still keeps me away; I don’t honestly remember if I ever told any of that online here. Probably not. Since it’s all tied up in my fear.

Mortality is hard.

I suppose we’re all going to die. We’re all already dead. There’s no point in worrying about who is going to die when and first and how painful it’s going to be. I just have to live this every day and know, it’ll happen but every day is … one more bonus day.

Oh yeah. I just re-read the point of this post. I need to actually try to find a psychologist/counselor/whoever. Life is really high-pressure and stressful at this time. I honestly, honestly, honestly, don’t want to fall apart again. Been there, done that, DON’T WANT A REPEAT.

TW: Death of a grandparent

Well, you’ve been warned.

My grandma died today. It was unexpected. She was totally healthy, aside from being high in age. I hadn’t known, but she was even planning, with other relatives, to fly and visit my parents soon.

It’s sad for the living. I wonder how my dad is holding up. She’s his mom. He hadn’t come down last time there was a family get-together. He was going to see her when she came and visited. I can imagine he would have felt like there was still plenty of time; they were both healthy.

She woke up in the morning. She did the things she normally does. She and my mom were playing a word game electronically with each other; Grandma had put out another letter. But then she was found dead in bed.

All of my grandparents are dead now. It’s kind of unreal. Aside from the initial moments of feeling nothing at all, my next reaction is to crave childhood. To want to go back and re-experience all of the trips and be with them again, from the viewpoint of when life seemed stable and everyone around me was set in themselves and so sure. When I had total trust and faith and belief in the adults around me. And it seemed like everything would last forever.

So I want to curl up and listen to old, familiar music. I want to listen to what my grandparents would listen to, but I can’t think of it. I want to drink the drinks I drank when visiting them all, but most have eluded me. I remember one grandpa’s mystery punch. I remember being allowed to drink these really fancy sodas at the other grandparents’ house. I remember their yellowy-vinel-like table cloth on what I remember as a small, round table. There were a lot of animals there.

At one grandparents’ house, I would play lots of card games. My grandma there enjoyed Gin Rummy and would play any card game. My other grandparents used to play Dominos. I know we also played card games together; was it Hearts? I’ll have to ask my parents.

I can’t believe life.

School goes on, classes go on, work goes on. The people around me go on with their own worries and their own viewpoints. But it’s hard. My mind wants to be in the past. I don’t want to be in this moment. I don’t want to go to class; I don’t want to go to work; I don’t want to chat about anything of interest here. I want Family.

A Brief Update (and a single picture, for now)

imageI couldn’t let you know ahead of time but I went Home (my parents and dog) recently. I’m back home (bf, school) now but I made it and it was wonderful. I can’t say much tonight; I’m going to go to bed very shortly.

There was much skiing and walking and such. I mean much. Every day.

So now that I’m back, I don’t want to lose that momentum. So I went to the bike shop after school yesterday and got my bike all fixed up (there were some things wrong). I also bought yet another lock. Two, actually. One is just to hold my seat on. The other is a fricking expensive but light-weight u-lock for my frame. City living…

So I biked to school today. That was pretty rough. I had to walk two hills on the return trip. It was a total of 9 miles and not flat enough for me. And my anti-persperant definitely couldn’t hold up… Plus I had jogging class. Apologies to the folks who sat near me at the tutoring center today.

It’s hard to be away from my parents and my dog. It’s interesting what kinds of things I have such strong emotional attachments to and what I can now part with. I parted with some more clothing. Even a black sweatshirt I had held onto for maybe close to two decades even though it had shrunk and was too small for me. But for many years, it held sand from an old Hawaii trip in its pockets, even after numerous washes. It was very sentimental for me. But I was able to part with it.

Then there were things in my childhood bedroom that had been rearranged and I was actually able to rearrange certain things, too. That’s pretty big for me. Certain shelves had to be kept in a certain arrangement or else I would experience intense anxiety due to OCD. It would feel that my luck would change and I would get terminally ill or those I loved could get terminally ill or injured. But it was not so bad this time around.

That is not to say I was able to part with all sorts of things. There is still so much I’m hanging onto and I wish I could let them go. But I won’t despair; it seems that things have been getting a little easier each time. So perhaps next time I am there, I can part with a few more things. And so on.

Anyway, I really need to go to sleep. One thing I did not get a lot of was good-quality sleep. For one thing, I was sometimes very sore and didn’t take pain medicine and thus didn’t sleep well. For another, there was a headboard I wasn’t used to and kept bonking my head into it.

Oh, but being with my parents and dog was WONDERFUL WONDERFUL WONDERFUL. There is so much I could say and tell about.

Holiday time passes

A few points:

  • I decided to decline the potential apartment. So we’ll keep looking for something closer to public transit.
  • It’s the holiday time. I don’t know what that means here. It sort of crept up on me. I haven’t sent out presents for anything yet, although I knew what I wanted to get people for a little while.
  • There are several relatives related to my bf staying here this week. We hung out with them for most of yesterday.
  • We would have hung out with them most of today but I actually declined. My bf went and joined them for lunch but is back now. I declined because there’s going to be a big dinner event tonight, including them, with other people as well, and I can’t do social nonstop without becoming too exhausted. So I stayed home so far today and it’s been great. I practiced piano for a long time. I’m running some laundry. I went jogging again and did really, really well! I jogged most of the way there and even a good chunk of the way back! I’m slow as molasses but it’s great.
  • I’ve listened to several more episodes of “Welcome to Night Vale”.
  • I need to iron out my schedule for the upcoming semester.
  • Tonight, I don’t know how soon, I will be picked up for the group dinner. I think there is another group dinner tomorrow. I’m glad I took some non-social time for myself today.
  • I do wish I had sent out presents to my parents. I know what I want to get them both but still haven’t sent them. Ah well. I just hate picturing them on a day I like to think of as traditional and have them with nothing to open. Not that that’s the meaning of Christmas or that they even celebrate it particularly, but I still dislike the thought.
  • My own tradition, which was started last year, will be FaceTiming with my parents and singing carols with them. Apparently my bf’s family will do that here, as well. So I’m glad, because I like to have *something* that is traditional for me. It’s hard to know what to do for traditional days when you are in a new location with people whose traditions you don’t yet know.
  • On Christmas Day, my parents and I always opened gifts and then went skiing in the woods outside of their house. I can’t do that here. What will I do instead? Maybe I can go to the beach, if public transit is running. Or a walk in the woods, or at a park. Something outdoors. It’s typically been with family but I’m willing to go alone.
  • I believe I did hear mention of certain guests considering attending Star Wars in theatre that day, but I can’t do that. I mean, I don’t want to do that, so I won’t. I could do a little walk if they do that, which would be a good time for it.
  • But who knows what plans will take shape. There are MANY DOMINANT PERSONALITIES here right now and let me tell you, plans are not formed easily. There is so much bickering and contention and whatever, it’s easiest for me to consider having no opinions or desires and just GO WITH THE FLOW for now!
  • I’m going to go. I had a great jog today, remember. 😉
  • I’m not as severely depressed as of late… MAYBE IT REALLY WAS PARTLY SCHOOL STRESS!!!!!!!!!! This is not to say I don’t get super down and unmotivated sometimes, but it’s not the same.
  • My bf and I are going to be cat-sitting for my old kitties!!! (The ones I used to live with around here) Cool.

THE TIME CAPSULE 22 year old innards!

HAHAHA It was better than expected and worst than expected!! It was extremely hilarious but completely wrong.

First of all, the carefully wrapped package in my little, child handwriting remained in tact… But inside, there was a letter that read, in full-page, capital, outlined letters: YOU SUCK. And then, “just jokin’,’ at the bottom. The entire letter was written in my brother’s handwriting, allegedly in his 9th grade year. It was directed at two people I don’t believe I have ever known, and was a letter scolding them for having played horrible music in MY presence! (?!) Dr. Dre, apparently. Then there was a cassette tape cover of Dr. Dre, but the tape inside was a strange boy’s voice reading the letter.

My brother and I got to listen to it together and we laughed and laughed and both have no recollection of this at all whatsoever. Who WERE these people being scolded? Why did he not want me listening to Dr. Dre? Why was this given to my mom and set to be opened in 2015??? IT’S BEEN TUCKED AWAY FOR 22 YEARS!!!!!

More importantly, what happened to the REAL time capsule I’d given my mom to put away? Even my brother thinks it seems as though he must have taken mine out, probably thrown it all away, and replaced it with this.

HAHAHA Gawd did we all laugh. He says it was the worst time capsule ever. But so worth it, IMO. Everyone should leave their future peeps a time capsule. Have fun. Obviously it doesn’t have to be profound or even make sense to be good for a laugh some future day. ❤

 

 

 

TIME CAPSULE!!!! Today is it.

When I was in early elementary school, I had a teacher talk with us about THE FUTURE. We were to imagine all sorts of possibilities. You can guess some of the ideas — hovering cars, personal jetpacks, etc. That was going to be THE FUTURE, which meant “after year 2000”. Back then, year 2000 seemed to be a LONG way away!

I also learned a little bit about archeology — probably in the form of dinosaur bones and digging up ancient civilizations.

I began to wonder if the Future Me would even remember the items and lifestyle of the Then (Late 1980’s? Early 1990’s?) Me.

I decided… to make a Time Capsule. I gave it to my mom for safe keeping.

TODAY IS THE DATE I HAD WRITTEN ON THE PACKAGE!!!! I don’t know what’s inside — I don’t remember. But at any second, I am FaceTiming with my mom and we’re going to open it up!!!!!

Last Day at Work!

The day came. It actually came. I didn’t even know it was the last day. Back story:

A month or so before school started, I let my boss know that I’d decided to go back to school and would only be available a couple of days a week until he hired my replacement.

I just finished Midterms, so it’s been half a semester. It turns out that he wasn’t really trying to replace me because he was worried how I would live without an income. I had gone down to really only coming in once a week, but continuing to do phones, faxing, and other things as needed from a distance. So he did find a person to work a couple of days a week recently. She was hired last week.

SO my boss asked me, do I want to continue to work one day per week, because that’s fine, or he can replace me entirely. I asked for some time to think it over. Last Friday, I let him know that I decided to no longer work at all for the company, so I could focus more on the schooling. I said, though, that I wanted to continue working one day per week until the point when I could transfer all of our important documents and procedures onto my replacement. (this was worded better at the time)

I never heard back.

But TODAY, in the morning, I got a text from my boss asking if my replacement was there yet to get the info from me. I was like, what? I haven’t ever talked with her, I have no idea what’s going on.

Well like two hours later, she showed up!! I had a good chunk of hours to go over every step (nearly) of the manual I’d created, and transfer passwords, numbers, procedures, etc to her. There’s still quite a bit of random contacts that will need to be informed of my replacement’s email address and all that, but WOW, that was pretty amazing! And my replacement is a serious spitfire. She will talk BACK to the bosses. It’s great. Not like push-over me. It was really fun to watch.

One of my bosses was on his cellphone as he was leaving (work call), and as he reached for the door, he seemed to remember that it had become my last day, and he turned and either nodded or waived at me, and then left. Heheh. I find goodbyes really stressful but that one didn’t even involve me having to do anything but smile and nod back.

But still, I do wonder what it all means. At lunch, my two bosses, myself, and another coworker went out to lunch together. And one of my bosses mused out loud that we needed to set up the phone system because he has no idea where any of the voicemails or faxes we receive have been going…. FOR REAL!!!!!!! I raised my hand and said, “…That’s me.” I’ve been taking care of them since March. Nobody knew that??? I had it routing to my cellphone every day of the week, even weekends. I could take care of any faxing from anywhere in the world I had service. He thought our voicemail system was going into a void that nobody knew how to check or take care of! Oy.

But, that’s enough negativity. Honestly, I have actually learned a ton from working at that company. I’ve learned more about the specifics of the tasks involved, and I’ve learned more about working with various personalities. I’ve learned a lot about many different kinds of problems that I had to solve on my own. There are still 2 problems I haven’t yet solved and to be honest, I will likely continue to work at those two until I figure out how to resolve them. But it was a very lucky thing I got that job from my uncle in the first place. It was lucky they kept me on. Especially back in January when I was so depressed and sluggish and came in hours late all the time. I was quite lucky.

And one employee did say thank you for all I’ve done. 🙂 And that was the one employee who usually did her own tasks and mailings and didn’t use me very often. But she’s super sweet and I’ll miss her, although I was always very awkward around her. I was always awkward around all of them, actually! I don’t think I ever felt quite right there. (And for comparison, I DID feel like I fit in perfectly at my old job.)

HEY and in other news, bf and I have not found an apartment yet. We will be moving in with his mother (not his father, after all), until we find a place. But we are looking now and that relieves me quite a lot.

And midterm grades came out, and I have all A’s so far! But like I say, the only way for me to go from here is down! Ha ha ha! I don’t know why I love being a pessimist so much.

Cheers, everyone! ❤

Oh hey and by the way, I found something really weird when I was cleaning off my work computer of anything personal. Something really, really, really weird. I won’t post it here, but it was weird. Then I went on a long bike ride for the way home and I got mixed up because I was also talking with my mom via headset. And it was getting dark. But I made it. I haven’t been exercising much at all.