Morning #3 Update

Today's walk

Today’s walk

[UPDATE: OH!!! I can’t BELIEVE I forgot to mention what happened last night. I crashed! I mean, in a bizarre way. I got home from work, I ate dinner, I practiced guitar for all of 10 minutes, and then suddenly realized I was too tired to move. I was in my bedroom so I just laid down and went to sleep. I never even shut off the lights or brushed my teeth or went to the bathroom. My mum and my friend tried texting me later that night but I couldn’t hardly pick up my phone, I was so tired. I slept straight through some of the beeps. I woke up several times during the night but still couldn’t get up to turn out the lights. SO WEIRD, for me. It was NOT blood-sugar-related. I really don’t know what happened.]

There is definitely something good about this new morning routine. I only snooze-buttoned twice before remembering to take my morning medicines and water. I was still quite tired and fell back asleep directly between snoozes. But eventually I did get some energizing music that I like playing, and then I was awake, and not going back to sleep.

There was one set back when I read some feedback that bummed me out, and I instantly went back under my covers for another 30 minutes, probably. But I spent that time trying to remove my shit-colored glasses and see the feedback for what it was meant to be– encouraging, not actually calling me lazy, like is my brain’s first assumption (guilty conscience). So I played music, I got up, I get ready for work. 👍

Mood Swings Topic: I have a new theory and I’m running with this one. As far as I’m going with, 3 things coincided.

  1. (First of all, the iron obviously affected my menstrual cycle. It was 8 days late and it’s been all out of whack. If that doesn’t affect moods, well it does. End of discussion.)
  2. Wellbutrin withdrawal. In spite of statistics indicating that I shouldn’t have had trouble withdrawing from Wellbutrin, I did look up some support groups online and I am by far and away NOT the only person to experience mood swings for around 2 weeks or so after going off of it. So I’m sticking with that.
  3. On what day did this batch of mood swings happen to start? Oh yes — ON THE DAY my boss told me the lease for the new building was being finalized, and I’m supposed to sign up with the moving company we picked, and I’m supposed to box up the office now. ::just HAPPENS to coincide with my falling apart? I think not.::

So. I am paying my friend to help me get started boxing up things later this afternoon. Because I can’t do it myself, I don’t want to hear the “You-can-do-it” because even the thought of it makes me start quivering inside and I’m not willing to put my mental health on the line for something so TRIVIALLY STUPID. My GOD anyone else in the world could do this job, it does not have to be me for the sake of me trying to “grow” and “push myself”. Whew, okay, I’m okay.

Anyway. I’m going to give my pay over for someone else to help me get started. Worthy deal, IMO.

Does nobody else seem to get understand that this move has made me think seriously about death multiple, multiple, multiple times over the past 3 months now? [Of course, all that does is make me feel ridiculously stupid for not having quit already. DUH. Obvious. But it’s family and I guess I was hoping to stick it out and be good later, after the move is complete.]

MOOD SWINGS TODAY (for anyone interested):

  • Cheerful when I first woke up and started my new, positive routine.
  • Bummed and down when I thought I was being called lazy although that’s all in my head.
  • Anxious about work. ACTUALLY TOLD my uncle, for the first time ever, how scared I am about this move, and admitted that I was going to have a friend come help me. He can’t fathom why putting crap into boxes is scary for me (who can?).
  • Depressed and anxious as I chose to walk to the train instead of getting a ride — figured I could use the walk in the sunshine to help me perk up, and wanted to take some more flower pictures.
  • Suddenly very happy, after photographing some giant pill bugs on the sidewalk. And arranging with my friend that I will see him soon to help me with packing. ⭐️⭐️⭐️
  • Pill bug

    Pill bug

    Happy walk. Happy in sun. Happy photographing flowers and a honey bee. Happy waiting for train in sun. Happy when I tapped a stranger on the shoulder to point out that the train had arrived but was short so he didn’t see it and was going to miss it. Happy when he ran to it just like me and said thanks. Happy when I sneezed on the train and some guy in the back said Bless You (where I come from, everyone says Bless You or Gesundheit or something. Here, nobody does, which always weirds me out a little bit, because my brain still expects to hear it and instead hears crickets. I have to stop myself from saying it to coworkers all the time. At my old job, if someone sneezed in the next room over, they’d receive at least 10 different Bless You’s or whatever variation). Happy when I got off the train and started walking to work.

  • SAD OMG BLINK AWAY TEARS as I walked past an apparently schizophrenic homeless man who, in the midst of a very sad conversation with the air, was also dragging his dirty blanket all around on the dirty sidewalk with one of his feet as he walked.
  • NEUTRAL even as I got talked to by a coworker about my current hours and how I am needed earlier because of missing deliveries. How in hell did I not fall apart? Whooo knows. All I said was I was completely on board and working on hitting my 9am train again like I used to do prior to 2015 hit. He was happy, I was neutral. How that is possible? I don’t know, because on a GOOD day, that would have had me fall apart, “normally”. Yay for mood swings…? O_o haha.
  • Happy now. And am going to go do my damn job and finalize with the moving company, although I’m the one who picked the moving company and I’m scared shitless that what if I chose a really expensive one because I’m an idiot about this kind of thing?

I am GOING by the assumption that after one more week or two of being off of Wellbutrin, the mood swings will STOP. 👍

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9 thoughts on “Morning #3 Update

  1. I think ANY mood stabilizing drug would DE-stablilize you when you come off it, of course!! You are on the right track.

    I love love love photographing even when I am depressed and anxious, it is definitely a “mood stabilizer.”

    and one thing to keep in mind, this stupid move will be BEHIND you before you know it 😀 hang in there!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’ve never tried photography as a distraction from the depression and anxiety…sounds like a great idea. And makes me more inclined to talk a walk, and any exercise is good for me. Thanks! (Besides that, it just might add more dimension to my blog:)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sounds like you’re doing well for coming off the Wellbutrin – I haven’t taken these things but have lived with people who did. You sound like you’re having perfectly normal feelings in response to the events of the day. Glad that you see the ‘we need you in earlier’ as just a request for adjustment of hours. I love the phrase ‘shit-colored glasses’. Moving is always stressful. Don’t stress needing a little help on this task.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. 🙂
      It is sure abnormal for me to have stayed calm when being told to correct my behavior. Usually I fall to pieces. But I’m sure glad my body stayed calm! I wish I could convince it to always respond to helpful criticism in that way!

      Like

  4. I’m not sure if the not understanding of things at times is my fault or the drugs I’m on to help me make sense of things. Do you have that kind of indecision with the meds that you are on? Like someone will say something to me. and I can’t tell if they are trying to encourage me, or put me down. I think Mirtazapine might be responsible for some of that, but I don’t know for sure. The Mirtaxapine is for PTSD, so you might not be familiar with it, although it is also used for depression. Anyway, I was just sort of curious. Hope I wasn’t out of line or anything.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Interestingly, mirtazipine was recently suggested to me as one path I could take in the immediate future. But I insisted that my nightmares are only from stomach aches, so I think we are going a different route.

      I’m never sure about anything and I’m highly indecisive in-person. I can take 30 minutes to decide between which food item to purchase if they cost the same. But that’s normal for me.

      You’re not out of line in any way! Not that I can picture what that would be like. 🙂 I love hearing about your own experiences! Thank you for sharing.

      Like

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