Mood Turbulence

Fruit smoothie with spinach and arugula added

Add some extra nutrients in there…

My moods have been insane lately. I don’t know what lately means. Two weeks? A month? A year? Two years? Just since I got back from visiting my parents and dog?

It’s worse for me at this moment because two weeks ago, “Joe”, who had been getting more depressed by the day for several weeks, snapped at me over something that was definitely innocent on my part. What he said was very rude and inappropriate and I didn’t address it well. In spite of his immediate apology, I had already shoved it aside in my head and didn’t deal with it and I still haven’t. What you said was like being punched in the stomach. That’s how taken aback I was for a moment. And then I made excuses, Aw he’s just really depressed and has been alienating all of his friends and I don’t want him to lose me as a friend, too. Yada yada. Kept on our walk.

But it wasn’t the same. And this week’s walk wasn’t the same, either. Because I don’t really forgive anyway. I suspect I don’t actually forgive any one for any thing anymore.

So then today, there was a point where we had to make a decision about which direction to head. We both had a preference, which is rare. We both had a strong preference. I made mine clear but instead of saying, “no” to his preference, I acquiesced. And then silently resented him for the next hour or so. I had nothing to say. It’s not like I intentionally think to myself, “I’m going to give X the silent treatment now.” It’s just that, when I’m upset with a person, I don’t trust that person and have no interest in speaking and nothing on my mind to share. It’s very hard.

Back to my main point. Since things are weird between me and my only real-ish friend, “Joe”, it’s making it hard to trust myself and my sanity at all. I’m already having a hard enough time with “Peter”, with how we keep triggering each other (we’re seeing a therapist now, which seems promising).

I need help. Aside from facts and moments in time, my moods are unstable. They are flying up and down. I go from bliss to anger in an instant. I don’t feel that I can control it. And I have no patience and no tolerance.

There are “easy” (clear-cut, that is) things that can only help:

  1. Create and stay on a REGULAR sleep schedule (this has NOT been reality)
  2. Create and stay on a REGULAR eating schedule (this has NOT been reality)
  3. Eat nutritiously at every meal
  4. REDUCE the amount of refined sugars (my moods have been INSANE)
  5. Create and stay on a REGULAR exercise schedule (I have been exercising, but not at set times and not for set amounts)

I believe that I need the forced routine of a job or face-to-face classes to get back into the land of the somewhat living and normal. I applied to a part-time position recently but they had just filled the position. There is a full-time job I’m going to apply to, perhaps tomorrow. But, I really only want part-time, for the sake of finishing my online school.

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Pure and utter shit

Damn. So following my last post, things were smooth. I mean, several days in a row were smooooth. I almost made myself post about them. Things were going so nicely. I love my new job. I’m staying caught up in one class.

Then boom. Sickness hits. It’s just a minor head cold. The sore throat (my trigger) passed within 24-ish hours, so very little panic and whatnot. Sniffles, no biggie. Cough, no chest pain. Post-nasal-drip during the night for several nights in a row, so hardly any sleep, terrible but survivable. Then I picked up some cold medicine and it let me sleep through the night for two nights, pretty much. I haven’t needed to use it again since then because although the cough & nose are still productive, it’s not that bad.

Slipping. I’m slipping. Emotionally. This other class happened last Saturday and again today. The time inbetween has … okay not been the best. This class has assigned papers and too many for a one-week period (I did… um 2. The short ones. The rest, are now officially overdue). Okay that could certainly be a trigger. My bf tried to tell me this but I refused to listen (i.e. I thought he was wrong and wasn’t listening to ME because I kept saying it’s just this damn cold and once I feel better, I’ll be on top of my stuff again). No, I should have listened. It’s was a big, motherfucker trigger.

So now? My energy has been leaving more and more every day. It’s this goddamn virus, I swear it is. I checked last night too — I took anti-anxiety medicine just in case that would clear things up and I’d be able to focus on the paper. But no, it didn’t help.

Mono. If any of you have had mono before, that is how I’ve been feeling lately. Like I have the energy level I had back when I had mono. In other words, capable of going about some zombie resemblance of a day and then CRASH. NOTHING left. NO words, NO thought, NO movement. I felt like my body was dying.

But it wasn’t truly until today that shit is hitting. It is hitting me. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong, altogether. I walked myself to the ER tonight. I didn’t check in; I just paced in the ER for maybe twenty minutes. I texted with “Joe” from last year. I feel like he’s the only one in my life who is capable of showing sympathy/empathy in the way that I can “feel” so I told him I was in a really bad spot and he listened and asked me what had me so triggered, and that’s the first time I was thinking about it rationally. Like in the sense of triggers. Of course this class with assigned papers is a trigger. Of course the pressure to maintain my straight-A’s from last semester is too much for me. Of course the new job of tutoring and this guy who seems to have a crush on me (but I’ve made it very clear that I have a boyfriend and am not looking) and other students who come in and out and some of them I’m able to help confidently and others it is a real struggle but I am really enjoying that job.

But things with me and my bf are so rough right now. We’re not communicating well and it’s mostly me because I am making things weird and being really touchy. I don’t want advice about it, please — I wish to share what’s happening in my life, but please take it for what it is — I am just sharing — not seeking advice on my relationship. I need to get my head straight again.

I wanted to cut tonight. I don’t know what’s been up. My head is in and out of reality today, this virus, the fog in my brain, reality and dissociation. I was walking to the ER and I looked both ways to cross the street and let my mind ponder, because I had started to cross first without looking, I mean the hand sign was green and all that, but of course the small, old voice was there, telling me that if a truck just happened to be coming at me, that would be perfectly fine.

As if nothing matters? I knew something was going wrong this week because I stopped flossing my teeth four days ago. That only happens at the start of a a terrible depressed episode.

But I am determined that I am going to get my head on straight, get healed from this awful, energy-sucking virus, and go to a fucking therapist/counselor. I’m thinking of going to the free ones at school this week — I don’t know how good they are but I think it would help to get to talk with someone.

I hadn’t finished talking about how I’m affecting my relationship negatively — I’m so insecure this week, I am positive he is about to break up with me, against all signs. I can’t stand myself, so I’m assuming he can’t stand me and wants me gone. Or is about to want me gone and just doesn’t know about it yet. So I’m interpreting everything poorly, and looking scared this week, and he’s started to be weirded out by it. And I am fighting the urge at every moment to ask, “Do you still like me? Should I leave?” As if my life depends on him liking me? Of course it doesn’t, but it’s still eating at me this week, because of this insecurity and all of this SHIT that’s engulfing my head about me being a yuck person and blah blah blah. What the hell triggered this??? Was it something at work? Was it the terrible, terrible class that I’m now overdue in with several papers? Did it make me feel like a failure and I’m shifting that feeling into my personal life?

I walked back from the ER and the sky was still clear and the weather perfect. I came back in, bf said hi but was still watching some TV news with his mom, so I went out back and hung out on the back porch and chatted for a minute with a neighbor who is somewhere around my age. Mostly I just stared up at the sky and asked God[] to please let my breath be used by someone who is more stable than I. Someone more deserving. Then I did stop and wonder, am I feeling like I’m undeserving because I’m not emotionally stable? That it makes me less deserving of a human? That’s not very fair or nice. So I begged, Please empty out this shell of body and use it for something worth while.

It would be nice.

No longer getting out of bed

Well, believe it or not, there are some pluses and some negatives.

The biggest negative is probably that I’m no longer getting out of bed without assistance. Another negative is that I haven’t located external assistance yet, so my bf is getting the brunt of this at present. It’s not too cool, let me tell you.

But a pro is that I’m now a jogger. Haha. I started jogging 2 days ago but I’m determined. I don’t care if I only manage to jog for 3 minutes a day so long as I do it. Even if my only goal is to make it to the icecream shop not too far away and eat a cup of icecream so that jogging will result in weight gain. I don’t care right now, as long as I’m doing it.

I’m practicing piano nearly every day and a little bit of voice exercises as well. I’m still mostly just learning how to read the bass clef notes, but whatever. It’s really fun. Just let everyone else wear earplugs for a while so I can practice.

The semester is winding out but alas, I no longer recall the last time I attended either of my morning classes. This is pretty sad. It’s a big disappointment for me. I was doing so well for so long into the semester but I feel like I am too tired to get out of bed in the morning. And even if I get out of bed, if I’m alone I just sit there and don’t do anything and eventually fall back asleep. Even if I’m just sitting on the floor putting on my socks or something, I’ll run out of steam to move a muscle.

So I don’t know. I tried cutting my own hair the other day; it just hit me that my hair was too long and heavy and making me feel tired. Now it looks pretty silly but oh well, it’ll grow out.

I’m trying to eat slightly less now too, since I’m so unhappy with the weight gain.

Well okay, back to studying. Oh PS I didn’t get the job. I interviewed and did all right but I did bungle one of the most important questions they had for me. It turned out I got cold feet during the interview because part of what would have been my responsibility was to give IV’s to animals and also teach other recruits how to give IVs. I don’t honestly know if I am capable of inserting a needle into an animal. I don’t know if I could. So I got cold feet and never wrote them a follow-up thank you or anything at all.

If I can make it through the rest of this semester, I believe I can have a job as a tutor here next semester. But I need to do well in this class. Two more weeks or so and I need to maintain an A but I’m failing at getting out of bed. This is hard. = I make this hard.

Dump

If I watch you, I’m jealous.
Is there anything I’m not jealous of?

Is there any way I can someday be okay with myself as I am?
Accept myself for what I am?

There are things I can do that you’ll never be able to do.

They’re things in an empathy spectrum. I can feel like nothing else. But it’s not healthy.

I can hear a story of someone else’s suffering and feel the pain as my own pain. It IS my own pain.

But I hear the click-clack of the keys and I can see the rapid switching of windows and lines of text appearing and disappearing in nano seconds. I’ll never be able to do that. And that’s only one, tiny thing.

I’m not sure my life is here. I’m detaching but it’s a bad time to detach because my whole life feels unstable at present.

It’s my anxiety.

My heart keeps beating at the wrong rhythm. I don’t know if it’s from fucking with my thyroid levels over the last month or so, or if it’s all from anxiety.

I’m weak, I’m shaky, I have this chronic look of fatigue and worry on my face. I’ve gained weight and hold it in my face, which is a location that makes me uncomfortable because it makes smiling more difficult.

I made myself go on a walk today. I accidentally missed school. I’m irritated that I still mis-spell the word “accidentally”. You can’t tell because of spell-check, but I’m a phonetic speller and tonight, even that is worth me feeling like shit. Like I’m in my 30’s and still can’t spell a word I’ve written a thousand times before. TALLY. Accident, which I can spell, usually. smashed with TALLY.

It’s funny because I’ve been practicing learning Spanish lately, and the spelling is killing me. I’m a phonetic speller in English, how am I supposed to become precise in Spanish? Ah well, remember, it’s just for fun.

Approximations are as good as it gets.

And what is good in life right now? I may have slept through school but I ate good food. Some of which was nutritious (I hate spelling). I made myself go on a long walk. It was a bit chilly out today but I dressed warmly and the sky was blue and the sun was bright. I wish I had let more sun onto my skin; I suspect I’m shy on Vitamin D again.

I made myself a goal. There’s this place nearby that sells an amazing GF oatmeal chocolate chip cookie. So I went walking with the end of goal of buying one. I ended up also studying my Accounting chapter. Thankfully, tomorrow’s test got postponed. That is good because I wasn’t truly prepared for it.

Now I’ve been doing computer class homework for several hours. I’ve finally taken a little bit of anxiety medicine for the night. Thank God[] for anxiety medicine. I had a little fever when I came back from my walk. My walk also led me to a playground where I swung for a while. I talked with an aunt over the phone. I talked with my mum. I just can’t get out of this grayness and fuzz. My heart won’t normalize and I can’t smile.

I think this is my last week here at this apartment and i also think that really I’m freaking out because of being now unemployed and when I spoke with my brother, he indicated some shock that I would quit one job without having another lined up. That probably freaked me out a lot. But I really had to get out. I can’t entirely type why, since this is public, but if you can trust me that it was the right decision, then trust me and don’t question it.

I think I’m tired of being questioned. Who’s doing the questioning? Me?

I’m making myself write here lately, because I know from experience that writing helps me re-focus and re-ground. And I desperately need to re-ground. Desperately.

While I was home alone, I had religious music playing pretty loudly and I was signing along as loudly as possible. It happens sometimes and I really connected to it. I think that’s what I need right now. I’m going to keep searching for more music that I can feel connected with. I should probably trying praying and such too. I just don’t know if my incredible grayness and fuzz and inability to smile or leave the apartment is from crippling anxiety or if I’m just physically ill (the fever has been present for a couple of days). Do people get fevers when anxious? Oh well. I took anxiety medicine and once that kicks in, I imagine that I will find it help a little bit. And I’ll take whatever little bit I can.

BLEH!!!!

This so not good. I’m avoiding things again. It’s as if I’m super depressed and anxious. This is really bad. I didn’t even go to school today. I did have a mild fever. But I don’t know that I’m physically ill.

I can’t do it. And now it’s dark outside and I haven’t even gotten out of pajamas. I studied for at least 30 minutes today… That’s…something. ?! Sort of.

My bf and I spent the entire day on Saturday helping me to clean out my office at work and I got to organize all of the files on the computer so they make more sense and my replacement will be able to find the templates she’ll need and stuff.

But Sunday was horrible. Horrible. And I felt so bleck and down and awful. I did accomplish a lot of little things, though, like washing the sheets and getting my address changed and setting up a mail forward since we’re moving soon and whatnot.

Oh, that was yesterday. So yesterday was horrible. We went to his folks’ place for dinner, and thankfully they carried on the conversations without much participation from me because I couldn’t. I was sort of floating in and out and felt like I was dissociating for parts of it.

My bf is on his way home and asked if I’d like to eat at this restaurant nearby for dinner. We’re out of food here because I haven’t felt like walking the few blocks to the grocery store in a couple of weeks now. But today marks a day where I don’t want to leave the apartment even for eating out. What am I going to do? I need to normalize again somehow. I’ll have to somehow make myself go to campus tomorrow. I HAVE to do it.

Last Day at Work!

The day came. It actually came. I didn’t even know it was the last day. Back story:

A month or so before school started, I let my boss know that I’d decided to go back to school and would only be available a couple of days a week until he hired my replacement.

I just finished Midterms, so it’s been half a semester. It turns out that he wasn’t really trying to replace me because he was worried how I would live without an income. I had gone down to really only coming in once a week, but continuing to do phones, faxing, and other things as needed from a distance. So he did find a person to work a couple of days a week recently. She was hired last week.

SO my boss asked me, do I want to continue to work one day per week, because that’s fine, or he can replace me entirely. I asked for some time to think it over. Last Friday, I let him know that I decided to no longer work at all for the company, so I could focus more on the schooling. I said, though, that I wanted to continue working one day per week until the point when I could transfer all of our important documents and procedures onto my replacement. (this was worded better at the time)

I never heard back.

But TODAY, in the morning, I got a text from my boss asking if my replacement was there yet to get the info from me. I was like, what? I haven’t ever talked with her, I have no idea what’s going on.

Well like two hours later, she showed up!! I had a good chunk of hours to go over every step (nearly) of the manual I’d created, and transfer passwords, numbers, procedures, etc to her. There’s still quite a bit of random contacts that will need to be informed of my replacement’s email address and all that, but WOW, that was pretty amazing! And my replacement is a serious spitfire. She will talk BACK to the bosses. It’s great. Not like push-over me. It was really fun to watch.

One of my bosses was on his cellphone as he was leaving (work call), and as he reached for the door, he seemed to remember that it had become my last day, and he turned and either nodded or waived at me, and then left. Heheh. I find goodbyes really stressful but that one didn’t even involve me having to do anything but smile and nod back.

But still, I do wonder what it all means. At lunch, my two bosses, myself, and another coworker went out to lunch together. And one of my bosses mused out loud that we needed to set up the phone system because he has no idea where any of the voicemails or faxes we receive have been going…. FOR REAL!!!!!!! I raised my hand and said, “…That’s me.” I’ve been taking care of them since March. Nobody knew that??? I had it routing to my cellphone every day of the week, even weekends. I could take care of any faxing from anywhere in the world I had service. He thought our voicemail system was going into a void that nobody knew how to check or take care of! Oy.

But, that’s enough negativity. Honestly, I have actually learned a ton from working at that company. I’ve learned more about the specifics of the tasks involved, and I’ve learned more about working with various personalities. I’ve learned a lot about many different kinds of problems that I had to solve on my own. There are still 2 problems I haven’t yet solved and to be honest, I will likely continue to work at those two until I figure out how to resolve them. But it was a very lucky thing I got that job from my uncle in the first place. It was lucky they kept me on. Especially back in January when I was so depressed and sluggish and came in hours late all the time. I was quite lucky.

And one employee did say thank you for all I’ve done. 🙂 And that was the one employee who usually did her own tasks and mailings and didn’t use me very often. But she’s super sweet and I’ll miss her, although I was always very awkward around her. I was always awkward around all of them, actually! I don’t think I ever felt quite right there. (And for comparison, I DID feel like I fit in perfectly at my old job.)

HEY and in other news, bf and I have not found an apartment yet. We will be moving in with his mother (not his father, after all), until we find a place. But we are looking now and that relieves me quite a lot.

And midterm grades came out, and I have all A’s so far! But like I say, the only way for me to go from here is down! Ha ha ha! I don’t know why I love being a pessimist so much.

Cheers, everyone! ❤

Oh hey and by the way, I found something really weird when I was cleaning off my work computer of anything personal. Something really, really, really weird. I won’t post it here, but it was weird. Then I went on a long bike ride for the way home and I got mixed up because I was also talking with my mom via headset. And it was getting dark. But I made it. I haven’t been exercising much at all.

FREEWRITE

There’s got to be something.
My psychiatrist isn’t sure if I’m a bit depressed and need medical adjustment, or if it’s situational, what with the massive life changes I’m making and what not.
At this moment, I think my uncle is mad at me. I haven’t been staying in contact with him lately.

I’m staying in contact with my mom and my bf. That’s all, as of right now. It takes it all out of me, to keep up that much.

I’m staying caught up in school. Maybe too well. Not that I’m getting A’s, but I’m really staying caught up with homeworks and stuff. I’m putting everything into it. I’m often up until 11pm with homeworks and whatnot.

I’m irritable. I’m cranky. My eyes burn holes in things around me sometimes. I think I’d like to scream. Or eat less or exercise more, because I’m definitely spending so much money on food. I’m too tired to cook much right now, and am eating out A. LOT. It makes me hate myself a little bit. Because it’s SO wasteful. SO wasteful. And then I just feel bad about myself and my spending and I’m not exercising enough, and it all comes out as this yuck feeling toward everything around me.

So I’m cranky. And there are medical things I need to catch up on. Like my doctor referred me to a gynocologist because of those abnormal cells on a PAP and now a touch of irregular bleeding, but I just haven’t gotten around to making the appointment.

It’s all too much for me right now. I’m exhausted in the sense that I just don’t have the energy to do anything else, or start anything else, or research anything else, or look up names of doctors or see if they’re in my new health insurance’s network or anything. It’s too bloody much!

There are things I want to do, but after class, I’m done. I’m toast. I just want to crawl home and once I’m home, I’m okay again. I can set up my computer and my books or whatever and get to studying again. But I can’t think about traveling or visiting my uncle or my brother. I can’t think of going to work, out in that other city. I can’t volunteer or go to a beach or a go on a hike or hardly even a walk!!!!!!! My bike is neglected. Everything in my life outside of schoolwork and house chores is neglected right now.

I want that to change. I want to DO things again, I want to have some drive and energy. I still have the desire, so I know I’m not seriously depressed yet. But oh my god it is going to get close. You know??? I want to volunteer at an animal shelter. I want to spend time with dogs.

Do I want to keep living here?

  • WHAT IF DECEMBER COMES AND WE STAY HERE AND ROOMMATE MOVES OUT SO THE TWO PET RULE IS NO LONGER HIT; WILL BF BE OKAY WITH ME GETTING A DOG?
  • IF NOT, THEN I …?
  • IF I DO GET TO VISIT HOME, AS I AM CONSIDERING DOING AT AN UNDISCLOSED TIME PERIOD, WILL I USE THE TIME TO SELL MY PONY????? DO I WANT TO SELL HER??? MUST I SELL HER???
  • FINANCIALLY SPEAKING, YES. YES, I MUST SELL HER.
  • WILL I USE THE TIME TO SELL MY CAR?
  • I HAVE SENTIMENTAL ATTACHMENT TO MY CAR. MY PARENTS PICKED THE CAR AND MY DAD AND I PICKED THE COLOR. HE LIKES THE CAR. MY MOM LIKED ME HAVING THAT CAR. I’LL MISS THAT CAR. I HAVE A LOT OF MEMORIES OF THAT CAR.
  • THE EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONING DIFFICULTIES AROUND HERE ARE MAKING THINGS VERY HARD. I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS THEM.
  • I HAVE BEEN MANAGING ALL RIGHT WITH THE SCHOOLWORK BUT EVERYTHING ELSE.
  • I NEED HELP.

My psychiatrist helped me to compile a “short list” of some of the doctor appointments I need to schedule, and gave me a one-week time frame in which to accomplish the calls. I am thankful; I hope I will make the calls soon. Tomorrow, actually. I would like to make the calls tomorrow. Perhaps I can do that around lunch time… which will hopefully not overlap with the offices’ lunch times.

School is going well and I even have a couple of acquaintances from the classes. There are several people who are in more than one of my classes, so that is fun. I love getting to chat with familiar faces there.