Mood Turbulence

Fruit smoothie with spinach and arugula added

Add some extra nutrients in there…

My moods have been insane lately. I don’t know what lately means. Two weeks? A month? A year? Two years? Just since I got back from visiting my parents and dog?

It’s worse for me at this moment because two weeks ago, “Joe”, who had been getting more depressed by the day for several weeks, snapped at me over something that was definitely innocent on my part. What he said was very rude and inappropriate and I didn’t address it well. In spite of his immediate apology, I had already shoved it aside in my head and didn’t deal with it and I still haven’t. What you said was like being punched in the stomach. That’s how taken aback I was for a moment. And then I made excuses, Aw he’s just really depressed and has been alienating all of his friends and I don’t want him to lose me as a friend, too. Yada yada. Kept on our walk.

But it wasn’t the same. And this week’s walk wasn’t the same, either. Because I don’t really forgive anyway. I suspect I don’t actually forgive any one for any thing anymore.

So then today, there was a point where we had to make a decision about which direction to head. We both had a preference, which is rare. We both had a strong preference. I made mine clear but instead of saying, “no” to his preference, I acquiesced. And then silently resented him for the next hour or so. I had nothing to say. It’s not like I intentionally think to myself, “I’m going to give X the silent treatment now.” It’s just that, when I’m upset with a person, I don’t trust that person and have no interest in speaking and nothing on my mind to share. It’s very hard.

Back to my main point. Since things are weird between me and my only real-ish friend, “Joe”, it’s making it hard to trust myself and my sanity at all. I’m already having a hard enough time with “Peter”, with how we keep triggering each other (we’re seeing a therapist now, which seems promising).

I need help. Aside from facts and moments in time, my moods are unstable. They are flying up and down. I go from bliss to anger in an instant. I don’t feel that I can control it. And I have no patience and no tolerance.

There are “easy” (clear-cut, that is) things that can only help:

  1. Create and stay on a REGULAR sleep schedule (this has NOT been reality)
  2. Create and stay on a REGULAR eating schedule (this has NOT been reality)
  3. Eat nutritiously at every meal
  4. REDUCE the amount of refined sugars (my moods have been INSANE)
  5. Create and stay on a REGULAR exercise schedule (I have been exercising, but not at set times and not for set amounts)

I believe that I need the forced routine of a job or face-to-face classes to get back into the land of the somewhat living and normal. I applied to a part-time position recently but they had just filled the position. There is a full-time job I’m going to apply to, perhaps tomorrow. But, I really only want part-time, for the sake of finishing my online school.


Poem: Happy Father’s Day

I don’t want to be apart from those I love
Any longer.
Homesickness comes in waves
They spread in and expand
The foam pops and crackles.

I don’t want to live away from those I love

I MISS you. I’ve been missing you too much
For days
The feeling has been hard to bear.

To clarify, I’ve been on an emotional
Which gradually inched its way uphill
But fell from the track, straight down
Free fall.

But now you’ve tripped
Getting stitches in your swollen lip
And a CAT scan of your head
And few memories,

And I’m so far away.

I can’t give you a hug.
I can’t spend my every minute of every hour with you.

I want to be with you both again.

Probably need

In truth, I probably need some extra help right now. My stress is up way too high. Interpersonal dynamics are very difficult for me right now. School is at a fairly overwhelming point. Tutoring is still going well but I probably shouldn’t have signed up for the max hours.

My SO’s mom, I haven’t written about this, but she is recovering from a cancer surgery. It was her fourth, distinct type of cancer removed. Nobody knows why she is so prone to having cancer. I don’t mean 4 different instances of the same cancer; I mean quite literally four different types. I’ve been around for two of them being removed; the other two types were removed long before I knew of my SO. She’s amazing. But this one involved part of the last adrenal being removed, so now she is in the process of figuring out proper cortisol dosing and it’s really hard. Sometimes she’s very exhausted.

It has changed the living dynamics, for me. My stress is through the roof. There is the worry, and the knowledge that at least two of the cancer types have a good chance of returning “someday”, and how it’s hard to see how tired she is when knowing her to be always so full of energy and drive at all times, before.

But there are the selfish monster stresses, too. Like when she chooses to cook for all of us, but I’d rather eat dog food than help with cooking, but now she sometimes does ask us to help, and I KNOW it’s the good and right thing to do, but at the same time, I’d really, honestly eat dog food if I had the choice of doing so OR cooking…

Or the times when I’d like to spend an evening with just my SO, but he invites his mum to literally everything we do now. But that’s SOOOO selfish of me. Why wouldn’t he want to see her enjoying the events, too? And why shouldn’t she? She’s been incredibly generous with me the whole time I’ve known her. Maybe he’s worried she won’t be around forever, you know? That’s totally understandable.

Quite frankly, if my folks would only move down here, I’d surely be inviting them to everything, too. I wish I could see them every single day of my life. It’s hard not to.

But the fear still keeps me away; I don’t honestly remember if I ever told any of that online here. Probably not. Since it’s all tied up in my fear.

Mortality is hard.

I suppose we’re all going to die. We’re all already dead. There’s no point in worrying about who is going to die when and first and how painful it’s going to be. I just have to live this every day and know, it’ll happen but every day is … one more bonus day.

Oh yeah. I just re-read the point of this post. I need to actually try to find a psychologist/counselor/whoever. Life is really high-pressure and stressful at this time. I honestly, honestly, honestly, don’t want to fall apart again. Been there, done that, DON’T WANT A REPEAT.

PAP Smear results and detected Endometrial Cells

Here’s an interesting topic for y’all to learn more about.

So apparently there are times when a PAP comes back saying that endometrial cells were detected. What the hell are those?

Let’s look at this handy diagram, below. Note the Cervix, where the cells were scraped for the PAP. Now note where the Endometrium is located. It’s actually the lining of the Uterus. That’s a lot higher up, see? So apparently if you were menstruating recently, it makes sense that cells from upward came down toward the Cervix while you were bleeding (when the Uterus realizes you’re not pregnant and decides it’s time to shed all that blood and lining [one layer of the endometrium sloughs while the basal layer stays put] and start over again, preparing for a new egg). But for post-menopausal women, you’ll want to get more information from your doctor if endometrial cells were detected.

There has been a lot of research on this topic. My un-educated take, and what my doctor told me, is that in reproductive-age women who find endometrial cells down at the Cervix, it’s likely benign. Studies seem to indicate that the times when this finding is NOT benign highly correlate with an important, additional symptom: Irregular or abnormal bleeding. Here’s an article that discusses it pretty clearly:

Of course, what is considered irregular or abnormal bleeding? Does it mean bleeding between periods? Does it mean that the length of time between periods is different? Does it mean the amount of blood per period is different? Does it mean the length of the bleeding is different? There is a very large amount of possibilities here.

Wow. Here is a page that discusses all possible abnormalities and more information about them. It’s too lengthy for me to quote:


  • If you are post-menapausal and have endometrial cells at your cervix, talk with your doctor!
  • If you are of child-bearing age and find endometrial cells at your cervix AND have irregular or abnormal bleeding, talk with your doctor!

Log: May 28 – May 31 (Thu – Sun) Many days!

May 28 (Thu): Work 9:30a – 5:30p
May 29 (Fri): Dental 8:50a; Work 10:30a – 5:30p
May 30 (Sat): Walk around potential campus; Dinner with Peter’s folks; Watch a movie on laptop
May 31 (Sun): S in town!; swing by aunt + uncle’s house to p/u items; dinner party at Peter’s mom’s place

Cool flower

Cool flower

WOW, I am BEHIND. So Thursday? I don’t recall. Work. Peter and I made food and ate dinner. Then probably went to bed EARLY.

Friday? I think we got up EARLY and I had a dental appointment (it was a cancellation by someone else, so I got to sneak in early). The good news? My teeth and gums look great, even though I was quite late in having my teeth cleaned. The bad news? The dentist didn’t know what my mouth sores are either, but threw out another herpes possibility and gave me a referral to the oral surgeon for what she and my doctor both feel are abnormal bumps on a particular part of my tongue (unrelated to the other sores). Meh. AND OMG I HAD SUCH SEVERE MOOD SWINGS ON THIS DAY. I mean it included a LOT of anger and frustration. I was blaming a particular someone in my heart for the suspected oral herpes, since I can think of someone in particular I kissed previously and then later learned that he got lip sores periodically. I was SO, SO, SO ANGRY, but it was also toward myself. My medical cousin calmed me back down, though. He said that if it was oral herpes, it’s often something picked up in childhood, and could have only just activated due to another virus stressing out my body or whatever. [Sneak preview: The mouth swab came back negative for herpes, although that particular test has a 30% chance of false negative.]

Saturday: Busy day! But what did we do? I remember the 2nd part of the day involved going out with Peter’s parents to the school I’m thinking of attending and walking all around the campus. It was fun. Then we had dinner with them and left in time to go back to Peter’s place and finally start a movie that we’ve been trying for a while to find time to watch — it got too late so we still haven’t finished the last 30 minutes of it. I think we turned it off at midnight (late).

Orange and pink flowers

Orange and pink flowers

Sunday: Met up with my old friend I met back in 8th grade! She and I were then friends through high school and have loosely stayed in touch since then. She’s great. She and her husband just happened to be in the area for something else!!! Had lunch with them. Then rushed to my uncle’s for several items I needed, such as enough thyroid medicine for this upcoming week. Then rushed to Peter’s mom’s house for a dinner party. It was nice. There were two twin 2 year olds that were like a little trouble team of whirlwind energy and destructive powers but were adorable. I did get fairly stressed a few times, particularly when one started touching a fragile-looking lamp with the straw end of a broom. And when I was expected to take the knife out of one of their little hands (“No! Mine mine mine!”). [I mean to take classes on how to interact with children– someday I really will.] Everyone I met was very nice. Then came back to Peter’s in time to go to sleep.

On Sunday, I also got a call from my primary care doctor (wow!) letting me know that my mouth swab came back negative for herpes. YAY but she reminded me again that the test has a 30% chance of false negative.

Update: Rather Positive (Journal#048)

You guys might not believe it, but this is a positive report.

I am trying to get my health issues tackled while I still have my super expensive health insurance.

There is a crater in my tongue right now from where the growth got lasered out. Hopefully the lab will figure out what it was and hopefully it is gone forever now.

I see my doctor this evening for a female exam and to hopefully obtain a referral to the sleep clinic I hear such good things about.

I’m going to find a psychiatrist THIS WEEK. I also need to set up with a regular dentist. I did leave a message with one last week but never heard back… Sometimes, when I don’t hear back from a place, I want to refuse business with them. Is that just me? Like they can’t be that good if they can’t even return my phone call. It depends on how much effort I put into the voicemail. If I put a lot of effort into leaving a really good message, then I don’t take it well when I don’t receive a call back.

Anyway, I have finally started to clean up my room, too.That’s exciting for me.

And I still have a friend. He actually came over the day of my tongue-laser-treatment and we watched Star Trek NG for several hours. It was really nice, even though I was falling asleep on and off (I’m blaming the general anesthetic stuff).

ADDITION: AND, as you guys know already, I’ve started to begin exploring studying for the PTCB exam. Which is really, really impressive for me, because I typically do nothing at all when left to my own devices.

2nd ADDITION: AANNDD I haven’t quit my job yet AND have actually helped to locate a new office. I’m going to venture that I’m not the only one who has had their morale affected by the company changes lately. For the past three business days, I’ve been the only one showing up to work, and I’ve been showing up hours late. But I have started to face The Move thing head on. I don’t know why; I still think it’s silly to have me help with something that ruined my life for several months just now, but so long as I’m mentally distant from it now, I’m sort of able to address it without wanting to die.