Weaning off Lexapro: Day 23

Photo of a snail in the rain

Pretty snail today

Meds Today:

  • 10mg Lexapro; normal thyroid meds
  • Calcium-Mag-Zinc tablet
  • lots of exercise (walking all day)

Symptoms:

  • Maybe not as smooth socially (face too readable?)
  • none really
  • still having acid reflux or something every night (which is new for me)

Journal Items:

  • Today was Pokéwalk day with my friend, “Joe”
  • First, I took and passed a Final Exam
  • Then, I went to an outdoor shop in search of rubber rain boots but no luck
  • Then, Pokéwalk. This time, bf’s mom joined, too
  • Halfway through, we ran into another Pokémon player that I’ve known for a while now and is super nice
  • We all 4 walked quite a while
  • 4 became 3 became 2
  • (I was stressed at times because I worry about peace and harmony and “Joe’s” feet, and everyone being happy, and blah blah blah) I’m still de-stressing from that aspect
  • I walked extra once I got home, since my socks were completely soaked anyway
  • Dinner; Dr. Who; now it’s bedtime and it’s quite late and … the usual, I guess
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Weaning off Lexapro: Day 17

Sunset, pale blue sky with pale, lit clouds and a single tree

Sunset tonight

Meds Today:

  • 10mg Lexapro (!!!), norm. thyroid meds
  • calcium tablet
  • exercise (walking, mostly)
  • 10mg Prozac at night

Symptoms:

  • Tired
  • Light-headed at times
  • Emotionally pretty neutral

Journal Items:

  1. Very, very exhausted this morning
  2. Got up early for breakfast, but then fell back asleep for hours
  3. Studied
  4. Walked to a distant store for a couple of items
  5. Tried to study more
  6. Walked and took a bus for Pokémon game (met up with at least 15 people, I think!)
  7. Studied more and lifted a few weights
  8. Bf home late from work, and is currently downstairs working so I’m not talking to him or anything yet (seems absorbed in work). Oh no wonder, he’s taking tomorrow off so he is probably working a lot of extra today.

Weaning off Lexapro: Day 11

Sunset (pink and orange clouds with darkening blue sky)

Sunset

Today:

  • 15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • fish oil capsule, multivite
  • lots of exercise (walking)

Symptoms:

  • Didn’t sleep soundly last night
  • Dreamt that my old obsession returned (OCD), but it didn’t bother me at all during the day, so I think it was just fear, not the actual obsession
  • My friend “Joe” said that my face seemed much more animated than ever before, as if my brain is sending signals to different facial muscles than when I’m on the 20mg, and he was shocked by it (like, hadn’t expected to notice any physical changes on this drug experient)

Today was my day of the week that I Pokéwalk with “Joe”. I had totally normal energy levels and stamina. I didn’t find it hard to maintain conversations or feel withdrawn. It was good.

Mood Turbulence

Fruit smoothie with spinach and arugula added

Add some extra nutrients in there…

My moods have been insane lately. I don’t know what lately means. Two weeks? A month? A year? Two years? Just since I got back from visiting my parents and dog?

It’s worse for me at this moment because two weeks ago, “Joe”, who had been getting more depressed by the day for several weeks, snapped at me over something that was definitely innocent on my part. What he said was very rude and inappropriate and I didn’t address it well. In spite of his immediate apology, I had already shoved it aside in my head and didn’t deal with it and I still haven’t. What you said was like being punched in the stomach. That’s how taken aback I was for a moment. And then I made excuses, Aw he’s just really depressed and has been alienating all of his friends and I don’t want him to lose me as a friend, too. Yada yada. Kept on our walk.

But it wasn’t the same. And this week’s walk wasn’t the same, either. Because I don’t really forgive anyway. I suspect I don’t actually forgive any one for any thing anymore.

So then today, there was a point where we had to make a decision about which direction to head. We both had a preference, which is rare. We both had a strong preference. I made mine clear but instead of saying, “no” to his preference, I acquiesced. And then silently resented him for the next hour or so. I had nothing to say. It’s not like I intentionally think to myself, “I’m going to give X the silent treatment now.” It’s just that, when I’m upset with a person, I don’t trust that person and have no interest in speaking and nothing on my mind to share. It’s very hard.

Back to my main point. Since things are weird between me and my only real-ish friend, “Joe”, it’s making it hard to trust myself and my sanity at all. I’m already having a hard enough time with “Peter”, with how we keep triggering each other (we’re seeing a therapist now, which seems promising).

I need help. Aside from facts and moments in time, my moods are unstable. They are flying up and down. I go from bliss to anger in an instant. I don’t feel that I can control it. And I have no patience and no tolerance.

There are “easy” (clear-cut, that is) things that can only help:

  1. Create and stay on a REGULAR sleep schedule (this has NOT been reality)
  2. Create and stay on a REGULAR eating schedule (this has NOT been reality)
  3. Eat nutritiously at every meal
  4. REDUCE the amount of refined sugars (my moods have been INSANE)
  5. Create and stay on a REGULAR exercise schedule (I have been exercising, but not at set times and not for set amounts)

I believe that I need the forced routine of a job or face-to-face classes to get back into the land of the somewhat living and normal. I applied to a part-time position recently but they had just filled the position. There is a full-time job I’m going to apply to, perhaps tomorrow. But, I really only want part-time, for the sake of finishing my online school.

Poem: Happy Father’s Day

I don’t want to be apart from those I love
Any longer.
Homesickness comes in waves
They spread in and expand
The foam pops and crackles.

I don’t want to live away from those I love
Anymore.

I MISS you. I’ve been missing you too much
For days
The feeling has been hard to bear.

To clarify, I’ve been on an emotional
Rollercoaster
Which gradually inched its way uphill
But fell from the track, straight down
Free fall.

But now you’ve tripped
Stumbled
Fallen
Getting stitches in your swollen lip
And a CAT scan of your head
And few memories,
Again.

And I’m so far away.

I can’t give you a hug.
I can’t spend my every minute of every hour with you.

I want to be with you both again.

Probably need

In truth, I probably need some extra help right now. My stress is up way too high. Interpersonal dynamics are very difficult for me right now. School is at a fairly overwhelming point. Tutoring is still going well but I probably shouldn’t have signed up for the max hours.

My SO’s mom, I haven’t written about this, but she is recovering from a cancer surgery. It was her fourth, distinct type of cancer removed. Nobody knows why she is so prone to having cancer. I don’t mean 4 different instances of the same cancer; I mean quite literally four different types. I’ve been around for two of them being removed; the other two types were removed long before I knew of my SO. She’s amazing. But this one involved part of the last adrenal being removed, so now she is in the process of figuring out proper cortisol dosing and it’s really hard. Sometimes she’s very exhausted.

It has changed the living dynamics, for me. My stress is through the roof. There is the worry, and the knowledge that at least two of the cancer types have a good chance of returning “someday”, and how it’s hard to see how tired she is when knowing her to be always so full of energy and drive at all times, before.

But there are the selfish monster stresses, too. Like when she chooses to cook for all of us, but I’d rather eat dog food than help with cooking, but now she sometimes does ask us to help, and I KNOW it’s the good and right thing to do, but at the same time, I’d really, honestly eat dog food if I had the choice of doing so OR cooking…

Or the times when I’d like to spend an evening with just my SO, but he invites his mum to literally everything we do now. But that’s SOOOO selfish of me. Why wouldn’t he want to see her enjoying the events, too? And why shouldn’t she? She’s been incredibly generous with me the whole time I’ve known her. Maybe he’s worried she won’t be around forever, you know? That’s totally understandable.

Quite frankly, if my folks would only move down here, I’d surely be inviting them to everything, too. I wish I could see them every single day of my life. It’s hard not to.

But the fear still keeps me away; I don’t honestly remember if I ever told any of that online here. Probably not. Since it’s all tied up in my fear.

Mortality is hard.

I suppose we’re all going to die. We’re all already dead. There’s no point in worrying about who is going to die when and first and how painful it’s going to be. I just have to live this every day and know, it’ll happen but every day is … one more bonus day.

Oh yeah. I just re-read the point of this post. I need to actually try to find a psychologist/counselor/whoever. Life is really high-pressure and stressful at this time. I honestly, honestly, honestly, don’t want to fall apart again. Been there, done that, DON’T WANT A REPEAT.

PAP Smear results and detected Endometrial Cells

Here’s an interesting topic for y’all to learn more about.

So apparently there are times when a PAP comes back saying that endometrial cells were detected. What the hell are those?

Let’s look at this handy diagram, below. Note the Cervix, where the cells were scraped for the PAP. Now note where the Endometrium is located. It’s actually the lining of the Uterus. That’s a lot higher up, see? So apparently if you were menstruating recently, it makes sense that cells from upward came down toward the Cervix while you were bleeding (when the Uterus realizes you’re not pregnant and decides it’s time to shed all that blood and lining [one layer of the endometrium sloughs while the basal layer stays put] and start over again, preparing for a new egg). But for post-menopausal women, you’ll want to get more information from your doctor if endometrial cells were detected.

There has been a lot of research on this topic. My un-educated take, and what my doctor told me, is that in reproductive-age women who find endometrial cells down at the Cervix, it’s likely benign. Studies seem to indicate that the times when this finding is NOT benign highly correlate with an important, additional symptom: Irregular or abnormal bleeding. Here’s an article that discusses it pretty clearly: http://www.aafp.org/afp/1999/0115/p440.html

Of course, what is considered irregular or abnormal bleeding? Does it mean bleeding between periods? Does it mean that the length of time between periods is different? Does it mean the amount of blood per period is different? Does it mean the length of the bleeding is different? There is a very large amount of possibilities here.

Wow. Here is a page that discusses all possible abnormalities and more information about them. It’s too lengthy for me to quote: http://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/healthy_living/hic_Coping_with_Families_and_Careers/hic_Normal_Menstruation/hic-abnormal-menstruation

IMPORTANT SUMMARY

  • If you are post-menapausal and have endometrial cells at your cervix, talk with your doctor!
  • If you are of child-bearing age and find endometrial cells at your cervix AND have irregular or abnormal bleeding, talk with your doctor!