Weaning off Lexapro: Days 125 – 136

I have been and am still on Lexapro 5 mg. I will not be reducing any more any time soon. So I won’t be continuing these type of entries after this, unless my dose changes.

I am on the 5 mg, after having been on 20 mg for like 12 years straight. My emotions and perceptions of the world around me are all over the place. In nearly every aspect of life, I am torn.

It’s impossible for me to know at this moment if indeed all of these parts of my life actually need to change, or if the angst and unrest I’m experiencing is a direct result of the decrease in Lexapro. I could make these changes and tear apart my current life. Or I could increase my Lexapro dose. Or I could do a little bit of both. But at this exact moment in time, I cannot know which is the most “correct” choice.

The past weekend was terrible. I was avoiding studying for a Final exam and I failed the pre-assessment. But all of the terror and hopeless that I was feeling inside, I didn’t attribute properly to the schoolwork. I attributed it everywhere else around me and I hurt my boyfriend and I hurt our relationship pretty severely.

When I was Home recently, it felt right. I wanted to stay forever. But if I broke up with my boyfriend and moved back Home, I’m sure I’d be full of anxiety and feel very dark and depressed. I’m sure that I would feel very scared and as though I’d shut a door to a very large world. I’m sure that for a long time, things would feel without purpose, shallow, and hopeless.

I pay [irrelevant] a month. I flip between that seeming like a small amount and an impossibly large amount. I am unemployed. So that money is basically coming from old savings– mostly money from my now-deceased grandparents.

But, many people go into debt for an education. That is socially acceptable and “normal”. ((All irrelevant.))

Logically, I realize other people’s wealth is irrelevant. I made the CHOICE to quit my below-minimum-wage-tutoring job to focus entirely on school. Of COURSE that means paying out of savings for a couple of years (kiss the old money goodbye; I wasn’t very good at Math).

I’m considering reapplying for the tutoring job. They’ve increased the wage to minimum wage now. I’m sure I could get in a few hours a week. It would be really hard because the bus route is not fast, and I can’t have the job unless I’m also taking classes there. So I’d be really splitting up my time to make a tiny amount of money. But it would also be giving me back my self-esteem. I felt good when tutoring people. And it would be good for me to have a set schedule.

My boyfriend and I are thinking of moving. I don’t know if it will help us or not. But I think that we need to feel more like independent adults again. And I hope we can find a place that shortens both of our commutes. But the cost will go up. We pay [irrelevant] rent right now but I don’t think we could find anything that low anywhere near here.

Yep, there is that wave of hopelessness. I just pictured how much effort and energy I will be putting into tutoring and how very, very little money I’ll be making and how it will all be going to rent. I know, this is reality for many people. Maximum effort to not even stay afloat.

I could go back to my parents. I’d be on such a good schedule there. I’d feel so much more at peace there. I’d be with my dog, who has congestive heart failure but is responding well to his medications. Up there, I could get a part-time job again and study. It’s all easier there.

I don’t want to go to couples therapy this week. I’m afraid of what we’ll talk about. And I don’t know my own mind on so many of the topics.

For now, I need to stop thinking. I need to focus on studying today. I deleted my beloved Pokémon Go app. If I could just delete the thoughts from my head… I need to get through a lot of readings and practice problems today.

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Weaning off Lexapro: Day 44

Sunset with pinks and oranges and yellows, and deep blue

Sunset tonight

Meds:

  • 10mg Lexapro; norm thyroid meds
  • multivite tablet
  • fish oil
  • sunshine & a little bit of walking

Symptoms:

  • woke up with terrible stomach ache
  • feel kind of sick but no concrete symptoms
  • head feels heavy; a little irritable

Journal Items:

  • Appointment with [assistance] (can’t remember if I’ve ever written about this before, so I’ll leave it w/o comment). I think it went well. I feel a lot more focused on studies again, and on finding a part-time job
  • I finally, after an entire year since qualifying, signed up for the reduced bus fare for low income people
  • Feel exhausted and kind of sick

Tomorrow Preview:

  • Tomorrow, I get up at 6:45am to get ready and leave for a memorial service that is a ways away
  • Tomorrow, I MUST finish chapter 8 in my studies

Weaning off Lexapro: Days 28, 29, 30

Sadly, you can tell that my interests are starting to cycle again already. I can’t even make myself journal here consistently. I wish I knew how to prevent this process.

All 3 of these days, I’ve had the same meds:

  • 10mg Lexapro (crazy); normal thyroid meds
  • 10mg Zyrtec
  • multivite
  • Day 28: minimal exercise (walking)
  • Day 29: a good amount of walking
  • Day 30: lots of walking

Symptoms:

  • I’ve had a cold
  • I’ve been cranky
  • a little reflux at night still
  • OCD thoughts as I try to sleep

Journal Items:

Eh, I’ve no idea. Day 28: Meh? Day 29: Walking but very slowly (I was pretty sick; I even skipped my Pokewalk day). Day 30: Volunteer work for most of the day. Yay. A little Pokemon stuff. I dunno. I don’t feel super, emotionally. Oh hey, I need to sign up at the local college again. I’ve decided that’s what’s going to save me and put me back onto a schedule again. I need to do that approximately…right now.

Weaning off Lexapro: Days 25, 26, 27

Sunset with colors of yellow, pink, and a lot of blue

Sunset this evening

I’m a little behind. Meds:

  • On each of these days, 10mg Lexapro, multivite if I remembered (I did today, the 27th day, for sure).
  • Exercise in the form of gentle bicycle rides on all 3 days.
  • I’ve also been taking 10mg Zyrtec.

Symptoms:

  • Coughing, sneezing (head cold), mild sore throat
  • reflux still, maybe not as bad
  • kind of testy yesterday and today
  • tired

Journal Items:

  • 2 days ago, I don’t recall. I know there was studying. Gentle bicycling
  • 1 day ago, I went on 2, gentle bicycle rides
  • Today, I went on a long, gentle bicycle ride with lots of stopping (Pokémon-related)
  • I finished the previous class and have started the new class
  • Bf and I had couples therapy yesterday and it was really helpful. I wish I weren’t so damn cranky today but I woke up feeling yucky and it stayed that way until I went on my bike ride.
  • Riding my bike, I felt instantly better. I felt wonderful so long as I was riding my bicycle. Outside. In the trees. And the sun.
  • It feels hard here right now, like everyone has tread on everyone else’s toes a little bit. Sometimes living with others is very hard.

Weaning off Lexapro: Day 22

Dark sunset clouds with purple and bright pink and some orange

Sunset tonight

Meds Today:

  • 10mg Lexapro; norm. thyroid meds
  • multivite (possibly two, actually)
  • minimal exercise (walking)

Symptoms:

  • None really
  • I’ve been forgetting to mention something like acid reflux nearly every night, which is unusual for me

Journal List:

  • Got up all right, had breakfast
  • Went to a quick Pokémon Go raid, chatted briefly with people
  • Studied
  • Dr. Who
  • Studied / Took my pre-assessment and passed
  • Dr. Who
  • Studied. Bedtime

Weaning off Lexapro: Day 20

Blue sky and very swirly, white clouds in frame

Clouds from 2015

Meds Today:

  • 10mg Lexapro (I still just can’t believe it); normal thyroid meds
  • fish oil capsule
  • calcium-magnesium-zinc tablet
  • exercise (walking, a tiny bit of jogging)

Symptoms:

  • I SLEPT IN FOR A LONG TIME
  • Felt emotionally neutral
  • Felt good while walking
  • Mild brain zappies when turning my head
  • Brief anxiety (maybe 5 min)
  • UPDATE: I forgot to mention the nausea after eating, and some reflux

Journal Items:

  1. I was SO TIRED. I slept in very late; maybe getting up at about 1pm?
  2. I ate breakfast then, and immediately outside to play Pokémon Go with a group of people I hadn’t seen since before the holidays (they’re so nice)
  3. Then I tried to study but didn’t focus well
  4. I walked again (it feels SO GOOD to walk, even though I had a long phase where if I turned my head, I got mild brain zappies; it’s within manageable ranges so far, though)
  5. I tried to study again
  6. I ate dinner (early enough to prevent reflux, hopefully)
  7. Now I’m finally studying fairly well, but it’s closing in on bedtime and writing here is part of my “sleep hygiene” routine, so here I am.

Weaning off Lexapro: Day 3

Sunset with a full moon in view

Full moon at sunset

Today:

  • 15mg Lexapro (with thyroid meds)
  • Magnesium-whatever-else vitamin; fish oil capsule; chewable multi-vite
  • Hardly any exercise at all, though

Symptoms:

  • Pretty chill all day
  • Angry a few times but not strongly and not for long; a mild tingle of anxiety once because I’m taking an exam tomorrow, but only for a split second and it was gone
  • I wonder if my chillness of today is from the 10mg of Prozac last night? Sweet dawg, that’s all I can say.
  • Perhaps a few moments of a strange feeling when I blink/ turn my head, but very mild

Seriously, if weaning off of Lexapro proves detrimental, I will be requesting a low dose of Prozac to go along with the Lexapro in the future. Walking around and experiencing no anxiety? Hearing people argue and experiencing no anxiety? Fucking awesome. Maybe I was mad to think I’d feel better OFF of the drugs. Maybe what I needed was just a change in meds!

But, stay the course for now! I’m dying of curiousity to see how I feel w/o the Lexapro.

I didn’t take my final today after all. Studied the whooole day, with my bf’s help. I’ll take it tomorrow morning NO MATTER WHAT.