Log: Apr 8 – Apr 10 (Wed – Fri)

Apr 8 – Apr 10 (Wed – Fri): Visiting with my parents

Snowy Egret

Snowy Egret, today

I haven’t had a chance yet to write about the bicycle trip with my family and friends. It was wonderful. I can hardly wait to write about it in a bit of detail and include some pictures. I took a lot of pictures, some of which I’m excited about.

Anyway, so tomorrow is the 10th and my parents will leave. I wasn’t going to write until after this trip time period was completely over, but my mood is iffy these past two days and I worry it’ll get worse tomorrow after my parents leave.

It was a very large emotional let-down when the bicycling trip came to an end and we found ourselves back here. The trip was a vacation for me in every way. I’ll write about it soon (it’s hard not to right now).

But now my mood is wavering. I’m okay. I’m stable. Then I feel my smile start to crack and some anxiety to come to my face. I want to stay upbeat but this is going to be so hard to watch them leave. I love every moment I spend with my parents. I have for many years. I had lived with them post-college very happily up until I got married. I would still be living with them right now if not for my being afraid of my ex/ not feeling safe out there anymore. So I must stay away.

Now I’ll confess I have a second interest out here: “Peter”. If I knew beyond doubt that somehow my ex no longer lived in my parents’ state and would never return, and it was completely safe for me to live with my parents again, I would hesitate at this time. I’m very interested in letting things play out for me and “Peter”. I still don’t know when or if I can/will ever see my beloved dog again. Life is strange.

Tussock Moth Caterpillar

Tussock Moth Caterpillar, yesterday

So here’s the log part of this post. My parents and I came back from the bicycling trip. We had to drop stuff off, return the vehicle, and then I actually had to go to work for a brief time, to add the finishing touches to a report and mail it out. I showed my parents around my workplace, showed them the area, and then we walked all around a lake to kill many hours while waiting for my brother to finish work. We got to see many birds, the beautiful lake area, and a huge garden. My dad had a beautiful Tussock moth caterpillar crawling on his back at one point there. I looked up its food and returned it to a tree that looked like what it likes to eat, in spite of them being considered somewhat potentially invasive.

We ate out with my brother and viewed his apartment and chatted with him for a bit.

Today, my parents and I went to the city my brother works in and I showed them my old workplace and the gardens I ate lunch at on some of my work days. Then we met with my brother for lunch at an amazing restaurant with a view of the water. He had to go back to work but my parents and I walked and walked and walked the entire rest of my brother’s work shift. We traveled the shore and I saw some really pretty birds and then my dad pointed out a sea lion. We looked over and saw a sea lion swimming up to us and staring at us. It was amazing. He just swam in one place, staring right at us, snorting and yawning sometimes. One woman exclaimed how she wished she’d brought some “num nums” with her. It was adorable. He was definitely expecting us to drop him food. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that people feed the sea lions.

Sea Lion

Sea Lion, today

So then my brother got off of work and we all took the train back to his place. Imagine me with my brother and our parents, all taking the train. I begged my brother to take a picture of all of us and he did. It’s a pretty funny picture. So then he took us to a dessert place to pick up treats for later, and then headed to my aunt & uncle’s place. My uncle is very ill but cooked us all a delicious soup. We all chatted for a while and then I freaked out because I got a letter from the state saying they didn’t accept my tax return after all and are requesting all kinds of documents to prove what I’d submitted via TurboTax. I knew it was too good to be true that I didn’t owe any state taxes. How did TurboTax lead me so wrong, though? I put in all of my information very carefully.

So then my brother left. My mom showed me one episode of Doc Martin, a TV show. And she’s even gotten to tuck me in tonight, for the first and last time for who knows how long. But I couldn’t stay in bed because my mood was so iffy. I wanted to come here to write and sort out some things from my brain.

I think you can see that this time period will be hard for me. I wish that my parents and my dog lived near me here. I don’t want to say goodbye to them. It’s going to be very sad and very hard. And frankly I think I balance them, too. It’s hard for people to understand my dad correctly a lot of the time. Even my mom has expressed some things that kind of shocked me. He’s been alienating a lot of people lately with the very, very blunt things he sometimes blurts out. She thinks it’s getting much worse and he’s saying very offensive things and that maybe it’s a chemical imbalance or maybe he’s trying to alienate everyone and her on purpose. I don’t believe that one for a second. I suggested she take them to a marriage counselor. i know her well enough to know this can’t get any better; she’ll only fret more and more about it unless she’s able to talk with someone about it and get some kind of answers or suggestions. I hope this gets worked out. I got to see a lot in action during this trip. Some things were very, very interesting.

Brown-headed Cowbird

male Brown-headed Cowbird, today

I just wrote a ton of things but I deleted them since my opinions on it don’t really matter. I love both of my parents so much. But it’s more than that. It’s also that I can’t see my dad surviving without my mom. So it’s very scary to think of her leaving him, which I’m not at all saying is going to happen. But I can also see that she has been living for a very, very long time with someone unable to offer any kind of emotional support, comfort, or a hug. Literally. And although I root for them 100%, I can also say that I personally seek a kind, gentle soul with understanding and external heart. But he has so, so, so much to offer in other areas.

Anyway. So after they leave tomorrow, I have to go back to work. Vacation will be over. I cannot believe how overcome with dread I am at the thought of going back to work there. I had to go back briefly yesterday, as I mentioned, and I was really shocked by the STRENGTH of my aversion to being there/ doing that work. I seriously MUST find a new job SOON.

Back to the topic of my parents. I like living with both of my parents together. I like living with my dad when my mom’s gone. And I like living with my mom when my dad’s gone. That felt important to point out. How much I like them both and together.

I have a whole ‘nother topic I wish to write about soon, as well. I’ll leave you in suspense. Apr 8 – Apr 10 Mood Ranking: 3.75-7.25 (Up when with my parents; down when thinking about work)

Log: Apr 4 – Apr 8 (Sat – Wed): Bicycling trip with family and friends

Apr 4 – Apr 8 (Sat – Wed): Bicycling trip with family and friends

This is going to be fun to write.

Sunset

Sunset, taken by my brother

Apr 4 (Sat): “Peter” had stayed over after his mom had driven me home from Friday’s Passover dinner. He left early to go pack for this trip and for his upcoming work trip to France. My parents arrived. My mom helped me make my list for packing. I packed. My parents and uncle went out walking. We all somehow got everything gathered and the bikes packed up into the vehicle. My parents, me and “Peter” drove to the location. We got there by evening. My brother and his gf were already out there, touring the area. We dropped off our stuff in our rented room and then we all went out to dinner together, including the family friends we were also meeting there.

After dinner, we returned to the hotel room just as the sun was setting and the sky was beautiful. I asked if we could go on a walk, and we all went. I gave my brother my camera because he is an amazing photographer. I will post at least one pic that he took here. In the late evening, we all went down to the pool area. “Peter” and I swam in the pool. My brother joined for a while, as well, while everyone else went directly to the hot tub. Then we all ended up in the hot tub and chatted with the other folks (strangers) who were staying there.

Scenery

Scenery

Apr 5 (Sun): On this day, my brother and his gf had to leave in the morning because she had to catch an airplane and he had to get ready for work. The rest of our group went out bicycling and the weather was very pleasant. The scenery was beautiful. We crossed many roads, some of which had quite a lot of traffic. We had a view of the agriculture the entire way.

That evening, my mom made us all pizzas on an outdoor grill. She had made me gluten-free dough at Home before she flew down here! She had been planning a pizza night. So “Peter” and I helped shop for and chop up the vegetables and such. The experience was very interesting and fun.

Neat woods

Neat woods

Apr 6 (Mon): Okay, this was my favorite bicycling day. This ride brought us into a sort of valley area and we rode along a very private road alongside a creek. I saw a wild turkey and domestic horses, and a lot of turkey vultures. On this ride, “Peter” and I stopped because I needed to “use the green door” (I just learned that euphemism). Meanwhile, he had sat down against a large rock and taken out his book. So when I came back over, I sat down next to him and he set his book down and we just sat there together for a long time, listening to the birds and the wind and the distant creek and watching the clouds. On our ride back, we felt a few drops of rain. “Peter” was sad that he didn’t get to ride in a downpour, which I’m adding here because of foreshadowing.

I took an excellent picture of my dad entering a stationary outhouse. I know that we all stopped at a neat food place, too, and I locked my helmet to my bike for the first time in my life and that was interesting. This food place happened to have a gluten free area, if I’m putting the pieces together correctly.

I think that we all ate the delicious pizza leftovers for dinner on this night. Then, my mom, a family friend, myself and “Peter” went and played music together in the evening! The family friend had brought her traveling piano and a tenor ukulele with her. My mom and I had brought our recorders and music. We all played various types of music and “Peter” and I got to show my parents some of the songs we’ve been practicing!! It was so much fun!! (And also somewhat nerve-wracking to have an audience.)

A break in the rain

A break in the rain

Apr 7 (Tue): This morning was beautiful and sad. It was, ironically, pouring rain at 4a when “Peter” had to leave. In this short period of time, I had gotten so accustomed to having his constant company (and loving it), and I cried when he drove away in his taxi. But he had to leave for a work conference in France. I’m glad he’d been able to attend for as long as he’d been able to. I went back to my bed alone and moved over to where he’d been sleeping, and went back to sleep. I had trouble waking up later in the morning.

On this day, our group had a late start, due mostly to me, and we drove to our new destination. It was very windy and very rainy. So we went into an interesting building and toured the exhibits there. I bought a small book at the gift shop that I think “Peter” would like to read after I finish with it. I also bought a little pig clip for my uncle, but you’d have to understand the kitchen-pig link for that to make sense.

After our weather app said the weather should start to clear, we got on our bikes and started riding. This time we were in another agricultural area but on very quiet roads. It was lovely and peaceful and … pouring rain. By the time I got back to the car, I could WRING the water out of my shoes. The roads had such deep puddles and we had to keep riding directly through them to get out of the way of traffic on the last stretch. But it was very fun. I think my dad said that this ride had been his favorite of the three.

For dinner, my mom and I whizzed through the grocery store to gather ingredients for tacos/burritos. Another family friend arrived and it was such a joy to hear all of the laughter and catching up. This is one of my dad’s favorite people in the whole world and they just cracked each other up the entire night. Joy. She left late that same night.

Two small birds chasing away a raven

Two small birds chasing away a raven

Apr 8 (Wed): On this morning, I had trouble getting out of bed again, but then we re-packed all of our things and played music together again. It was beautiful. Then we had to say goodbye to our family friends and drive back. We made it back, dumped off our stuff, returned the vehicle, and then I had to go to work for a short time! I showed my parents around my workplace and the surrounding area. I wrote about this already in another post. We walked around a lovely lake and I took a million pictures of birds and flowers and my parents. I’m not sure how this connects, but I know I already wrote about this day somewhere else. Anyway, then we had dinner with my brother near his apartment.

Total Trip Mood Ranking: 5-8

Log: Apr 3 (Fri)

Apr 3 (Fri): Therapy 9a (cancelled), Work 3:00p – 5:30p, Dinner event with “Peter” and his family (not a true Seder, but some Passover food) 6:30p @location

  1. If I go to work right now, I could get a little bit accomplished.
  2. Then perhaps my uncle would not kill me if I went to dinner tonight.
  3. My uncle might still kill me if I went to dinner tonight.
  • If I go to work and to dinner tonight, WOULD I HAVE ANY ENERGY FOR TOMORROW, WHEN MY PARENTS ARRIVE?
  • If I stay home today and tonight, and rest, WOULD MY MUSCLES AND STAMINA ATROPHY AWAY ANYWAY??? That is what usually happens to me when I don’t do much for a couple of days. I waste away quite quickly and lose 100% of my stamina.
Baby robin from years ago

Baby robin from years ago — he looks about how I feel right now. “MOOOOOOOOOOOOM!”

It sounds like I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I will die under one of these choices — my uncle will kill me if I go to dinner tonight. That much I know. I don’t think my doctor will kill me. She said to stay home for 3 days, but I think if she saw the ultra-serious type of mask I would wear onto the public transit system, she would be okay with it. I described the type to her during my appointment yesterday. They’re NIOSH N95 and tested to prevent TB spread when properly fit and all that. So I feel like I could keep the public safe from me if I do indeed have Whooping Cough (I’m not convinced, but the test will tell us within a few days). But, “Peter” also said he could get me a direct ride so I wouldn’t be on public transit to the dinner.

BUT which way will the exhaustion be worsened? That’s all I need to know now. If I stay and rest, will I be even more atrophied and have less stamina tomorrow? Or if I do a bit of work and attend dinner, will I exhaust myself even more for tomorrow?

HOW AM I GOING TO DECIDE. | Update. I literally asked my mom for help deciding! I’m going to go get showered and into clean, nice clothes, and then head to work for a short time (masked) and then to the dinner, only if they can get me back so I’m home by 9p. I’m going to drug myself into oblivion tonight (I checked with a local pharmacist who said it would be fine for me to take my clonazepam at night even with new drugs for this bug). I’m both coughing and feeling really excited now that I’m considering attending the dinner again.

Okay, I’ve gotten a tiny bit accomplished at work. There is just ONE task I NEED to complete before I leave this evening. I’m SO excited about the dinner tonight. I know I shouldn’t go. I’m not taking any mass public transportation today, btw, although admittedly I am going to be using taxi-like services with my mask on. “Peter’s” mom said she’d drive me home around 9-9:30p. If only I could focus on my ONE remaining task here at work. Just one, really challenging (focus-intense) task. Then I can wash the dishes and leave for the dinner. [Then come home and be murdered by my uncle for having stayed out whilst ill.]

Okay, I went to the dinner and I am glad. It was very interesting and I learned a lot. You guys don’t know but through my mother’s line, I am technically Jewish. I was not raised Jewish and know nothing about it. But this dinner was so interesting to me and also I enjoyed meeting “Peter’s” parents and their friend. It was delicious. And I fell in love with their two cats. Whenever I got very stressed during socializing, I was able to get a kitty to come to my fingers by my chair side and get pets. One even jumped onto my lap and layed down for a while. I loved it. They drove me home afterward and “Peter” stayed over. I took a very high (for me) dose of clonazepam to ensure sleep (1.5mg). I slept. YAY. Today’s Mood Ranking (still subject to change as the day progresses): 5-5.5-6

Log: Apr 2

Apr 2 (Thu): Work 9:30a – 5:30p, Dr. appt 2p @clinic, REST after work

Flowers from yesterday

Flowers from yesterday

[Continued from previous day’s log] “Peter” is so nice. Even in the middle of the night, during a coughing fit, he offered to go get me some more hot water, since that’s the only thing that seems to soothe it. (Sidenote: I’d taken 50mg of diphenhydramine. Why couldn’t I sleep at all? I didn’t even feel capable of it – almost like I’d had caffeine. But I didn’t have anything caffeinated before bed, unless guaifenesin acts as a stimulant? The bottle doesn’t indicate that it would — the instant release one I got says take every 4 hours)  40 minutes before he had to leave for work, I took 1mg of lorazepam. I decided my anxiety must be keeping me awake.

So I took that, I got up and showered quickly, came up and made us some eggs in a hurry, and then he had to leave. I drank more of my ginger-lemon-honey tea and then laid back down on my bed and was able to sleep for 2 hours. Then another coughing fit so here I am. After I post this, I’m going to do some work that I can do from home, and then I have my doctor appointment. This has all been a lot of really random, probably boring details for y’all, but. These are my days. 🙂 I like “Peter”. I like ginger-lemon-honey tea. I like sleep.

My mood did change as the day progressed. I went to the doctor. She suspects that I have Whooping Cough. Did I not get my last booster? Maybe not. Well, she’s sure enough that she went ahead and started to treat me on antibiotics, and told me to stay at home for 3 days worth of the antibiotics and then I won’t be contagious anymore, if I have it. Otherwise, I am highly contagious to the public.

So I did first try to get this laptop fixed before going back home (wearing a mask). But after several hours, it was not meant to be for today. They wouldn’t do it until I’d run a backup of everything on here. The backup took too long so in the end, I had to just crawl to the pharmacy and then back home. It took forever to find lunch food out there. I got home and went straight to my bed, where I’ve been sleeping/coughing ever since. Now there’s a little blood when I cough.

I’m bummed, to say the least. If I’m not allowed to leave my house tomorrow, I can’t attend “Peter”‘s family’s non-Seder passover-food dinner event, and they had even located gluten free matzah. To say the least, there’s no way my uncle would allow me to attend it, even though “Peter”‘s family knows I might have this and said it’s ok to come anyway. But it is such a bummer. There’s kind of no chance I’ll be feeling better tomorrow. I’m not healing at all. I can’t sleep. I’m going to still be sick for my family’s bicycling trip. My uncle thinks I need to not attend it; YEAH RIGHT!!!!! I don’t care if it kills me, I am going to be there!!! My parents, to say the least!!!! BUMMMMMED and kind of hopeless-feeling. Kinda like, scared & alone feeling. Even though my doctor-in-training cousin told me days ago he suspected Whooping cough from my symptoms, I didn’t believe it. Now I’ve missed dinner and don’t know what to eat. At least I know how to cook eggs again now. I can do that.

[I’m tagging PTSD now because my throat is so sore, it’s hard for me to swallow. Those who remember from previous posts know that I get very anxious/depressed/hopeless whenever my throat is sore. My therapist thinks of it as body memory from something (specific) in childhood involving my throat/not being able to breathe.] Today’s Mood Ranking: 4-5-6

Log: April Fools (Wed)

Apr 1 (Wed): Work 1:30a – 5:30p, REST (“Peter” might stop by briefly)

Flower from today

Flower from today

I’m writing this from the following day, so I’m having a bit of a stall-out. What did I do on the 1st? I slept poorly — was up coughing much of the night. I went to work very late, to allow for whatever sleep my body would take. I HAD to go in; a coworker needed me to complete one of the figures for his report that needed to be turned in ASAP. I finished it, fixed the tiny thing he’d needed fixed, and then soonafter headed back home.

I did not have any events I’d need to omit mentioning for emetophobics. I coughed a lot, but it didn’t get that far, thankfully. I did schedule a doctor appt for the 2nd. Because I HAVE to be healthy by Saturday!!! (And preferably by Friday!!!)

I tidied up my bedroom. I ordered some food from a Thai restaurant for “Peter” and me (my aunt and uncle declined). He picked it up on his way over from work, and we ate it here at my aunt & uncle’s house. I had the soup that I’d been craving for a while.

My uncle drove the three of us to the grocery store I’d asked him for a ride to earlier in the day. “Peter” helped me to gather the random things I was there to get — honey, ginger, guaifenesin, and tissues. Then I needed some toilet paper and some laundry detergent. My uncle got the dog food and whatever else was on his list. I didn’t have any coughing attacks in the store (-yay-). We got it all put away. And I got to make my ginger-lemon-honey tea that my brother’s previous gf, from Peru, had taught me how to make. It’s soooooo good and all of those fresh ingredients can’t hurt (and supposedly have some helpful properties, to boot).

Mmmm ginger-lemon-honey tea. So good. I’m drinking more right now. Basically, I’ll be drinking this from now until this damn bug goes away. Anyway, so it got late and “Peter” asked to stay the night so he could leave bright and early in the morning for work. (I can’t personally grant permission; I’m just a guest. But I was too chicken to go up and ask. We went to bed quite early so I don’t think we bothered anybody, except for my random coughing.) I was pretty surprised  because he knows I was up all night coughing the night before and probably would be again. And it’s true, I was literally awake the ENTIRE night last night. NO. SLEEP. Just a lot of random bouts of coughing (mostly productive) and I only panicked twice (when coughing and my sinuses are completely blocked, I feel that it will never end and I will just cough forever or until I [omitted]. Or my eyeballs pop out. Something.

I’m cutting the rest to post in Apr 2. Today’s Mood Ranking: 5-6 (I’m not sure which was more dominant)

Log: Mar 31 (Tue)

Mar 31 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a (canceled), Work 10:30a – 5:30p (canceled), Music practice with “Peter” 6p @location (cancelled 😥 )

Butterfly from a previous hike

Butterfly from a previous hike

Well daaaaamn. I don’t have a lot of choice anymore! I canceled therapy, I don’t think I can go to work, and I’ll definitely have to cancel Music Practice, which is terribly sad.

I’m so very sick. I slept for exactly 5 hours thanks to the diphenhydramine last night. I woke up after having yet another terrifying nightmare involving my ex-husband. They are NOT FAIR. I never feared for my life with him. Why is it coming into these nightmares? I know WHY I had a nightmare — stomach ache, of course. But why of my ex, always with my physical safety a concern (and the safety of everyone near me or loved by me). Actually, that last part makes sense. I did fear for animals with him. And after my major fuck-up, I feared for someone else’s life very much. But my own?…? These dreams are recreating the past, because I’m starting to think that maybe, just maybe, deep down, I really *was* afraid for my life every time he went into a rage and destroyed items. I know the first time something happened, I hid in the bathroom and cried and didn’t have my phone to call the police for help if I needed it. But I don’t recall ever feeling that way again.

Oh, well. So I woke up having had a bad nightmare. I was drenched in sweat (we all knew that was coming when I ate chicken+rice+coconut milk before bed; that stuff all breaks down pretty quickly). (For those just joining my blog, I’m referring to my body’s issue with blood sugar levels.) But then I couldn’t stop coughing and blowing my nose for the next two hours. My throat hurts, my body aches. My lungs are coughing very productively, as is my nose. If it gets any more colorful, I’ll have to go to the doctor. I couldn’t stop coughing, even with the cough drops. Now I’m on my second mug of tea and that has helped a bit. I’ve also had more of the soup I made last night (again, me cooking = must be a miracle). So I am just going to rest. I wish I could go back to sleep but I have a stomach ache and I know it won’t happen.

So this day did not go exceptionally well. It was a sick day but I don’t feel any healthier for it. Twice, I coughed so hard I [omitted for emetophobics]. I finally panicked when I didn’t think the coughing would ever stop, and contacted my doctor-in-training cousin, who helped me get a grip. On the plus side, I finally went through all of my pictures from three different hikes that I’ve gone on this year! I’ve gone back and added some pictures to my recent posts. A few of them were uploaded at their full size (you can click on them and expand them), but I figured out how to resize before uploading, finally.

Caterpillar

Caterpillar (not quite a Mourning Cloak Caterpillar; not exactly a Buckeye Caterpillar; not quite like the Painted Lady Caterpillar; highly unlikely that it’s a Bay Checkerspot Caterpillar, but it seriously looks like one!)

At the end of this day, I finally ventured upstairs and my uncle saw how sick I am. HOLY SHIT was he PISSED. He’s SO mad that I went on the walk with “Joe” on Sunday. He’s SO mad that I would over-extend again. He’s mad at “Joe” for not recognizing that I should have stayed home and rested. He’s mad at me for the same. He’s mad that I would compromise my health, my upcoming plans with my parents, etc. I didn’t handle it well; I kept calm for a bit and then finally just started to cry (mood-ranking that as a 4). I really didn’t think I was that sick on Sunday or I wouldn’t have gone. Can’t go back and fix things. Besides, I wouldn’t have the lizard pictures or the butterfly pictures or have seen the snake if I hadn’t gone. So long as I can recover from this bug and it doesn’t kill me, surely it will have been worth it. I even got to see Indian Paintbrush, which I’ve been keeping an eye out for for a while now. Today’s Mood Ranking: 4-5

Log: Mar 30 (Mon)

Mar 30 (Mon): Work 12:00p – 5:30p, [Canceled dinner & Meditation center movie night plans due to exhaustion/being VERY SICK yet again]

Trees from a previous hike

Trees from a previous hike

So today has been rough. I woke up very sick. My sinuses and my lungs seemed nearly infected. I coughed so hard at work, I actually [omitted for those with emetophobia]. I stayed at work anyway. But here’s why: 1) My uncle/boss knew I “played” all weekend. So an absence would have looked really bad. 2) I had a specific task I need to do for one of the employees. I got half of it done today, but I will have to finish the second half tomorrow. There’s really no excuse for not having finished it all today; it shouldn’t have taken more than a couple of hours.

I’m actually considering going to a particular Thai restaurant on the way home and buying a bowl of their Tom Kha Gai soup for my dinner. Doesn’t that sound really good when you’re sick? I know I’ve blown my restaurant budget out of the water this month, but I might go buy a bowl of that soup anyway. Technically speaking, my budget can handle it due to the insurance reimbursements that came in this month. But I’ve got to plan my meals better in the future. This is ridiculous.

So I did not go to the restaurant because it was closed today. Instead I went to the pharmacy for cough drops and pseudoephedrine, and then the grocery store where I bought coconut milk and some pre-cooked chicken and some other things. So I at least heated up the coconut milk, added lots of extra water (didn’t realize the coconut milk would need to be watered down), and the chicken, and some lime juice. Ate that with some leftover brown rice. I had other stuff from the store so I wouldn’t be hungry while cooking. So I was able to rest a while before making this soup. I’m sure it was bland by most people’s standards and certainly had little extra nutrients in it, but I liked it. I could have added carrots or bell peppers but it just didn’t sound good. I’d have added mushrooms if I’d have thought to buy some.

The soup mentioned in this post

The soup mentioned in this post

What’s pretty damn awesome is that my MATTRESS PROTECTOR arrived today!!!! I’m washing/drying it right now and then will put it on the bed! At long, long, long last, I won’t have to be anxious all of the time about the possibility of peeing in my sleep. Also, this should keep my allergies more at bay — I’m highly allergic to this bamboo mattress (probably since my sometimes-extreme sweat and also some urine has, in my own theory, caused some mold growth). I cannot lay down on this bed without my nose swelling shut. Anyway, I got this and the anti-allergen pillow case and hopefully my nose will stand a chance now. I’ll sign off for now. Today’s mood was pretty damn neutral, and my whole body has been screaming at me due to this illness. I’m very worried about healing in time for my upcoming bicycle trip with friends and family!!!!! I know that I need to take it easy between now and then, but it’s so hard to decline offers. I don’t WANT to cancel Music Practice tomorrow. I KNOW that I should. Instead, I said I’d see how I feel tomorrow and that if I do make it, I need to be in bed by 9p, which he said sounded good. I KNOW I should just cancel altogether but OMG I don’t want to. I KNOW that I should. I KNOW it. OMG I have to cancel. But will I? I can’t heal if I stay the night with him tomorrow night. His roommate has 2 cats and my allergies will prevent my body from healing at all. I know this from many years of experience. My body will not heal when allergens are high. But will I cancel? I don’t promise it. I’ll consider. Perhaps I’ll be miraculously health when I wake up tomorrow. I’ve taken some cold/sleep medicine already for tonight but I just keep coughing. Breathing at all is tickling my throat. But I’m going to try sleeping now. Goodnight, all. Today’s Mood Ranking: 5-6