This is one of the most important topics I’ll post about on this blog (hence why it is permanently “stickied” to the top of my blog). I don’t expect to do much on it tonight. It’s too important to me and too overwhelming. *cut for sheer length* Continue reading
I’m fine again. The illness, whether physical, mental or a twisted combination, has passed, and I’m able to smile again and am not obsessing anymore. Hallelujah.
I cleared up some poor wording and added a lot of new content. I updated it again today (Nov 1):
I woke up this morning with a major flare up of my OCD. I was in bad shape. My thought loop couldn’t be broken and it was about my old obsession, which I have written about here once, somewhere. (Not that the post does it justice.)
Probable Causes for the Current Worsening:
- I’ve been a little under the weather for the past few days. I’ve had symptoms like dissociation, which always freaks me the fuck out, since I used to dissociate 24/7 for a couple of years with no hope of ever recovering (which I mostly did, though).
- I have a disc that I would like to access in order to lift off photos of my dog, but it happens to be labeled as containing old emails I wrote to [person of my obsession] and my therapist at the time. I haven’t brought myself to open the disc, yet, although I desperately want those dog photos.
- In the past week and a half, I have had a couple of dreams which have become a routine — a few times a year, I get basically the same dream. [Person of my obsession] has, after so many, many years, agreed to meet with me at a public cafe, and have a conversation with me about what happened, so that I can have closure. Sometimes these dreams end up with him agreeing to meet me once every couple of weeks, and always he is disinterested in my company and disappears. But that part isn’t the distressing part. It’s the fact that he’s agreed to meet with me in the first place. It’s so real. There’s so much hope. This happens several times a year (regardless of whether I was on the 20 mg Lexapro or the current 5 mg).
- Because of feeling under the weather, my boyfriend and I had a conversation that went badly and I felt untrusting toward him. Whenever I lose trust in a person I’m supposed to be close with, I remember [person of my obsession]. Because I trusted him completely, 100%, as I have not done since then toward any human. Any. Human. And frankly, will probably never do again.
Anyway. I let myself give in to my obsession this morning. I opened up Facebook, which I don’t use anymore. But I did. I contacted one of his best friends. I said, basically, that I am having a really hard time with my OCD right now but it looks like it’s been 7 years since I’ve written to you so that’s pretty good.” He doesn’t know the story, he doesn’t know what’s bothering me, he doesn’t know why I wrote to him 7 years ago, either. Thank god I have a buffer, but it’s still bad that I broke down that way this morning. He was kind in his response. It’s a person I’ve known since elementary school yet we don’t keep in touch (and I’m not sure this is considered keeping in touch, either).
First of all, my breast lump was a benign, liquid-filled cyst, so that’s good. It’s about half its largest size now, and is not painful anymore. It seems to have stopped getting smaller. They say it can last a couple of months or perhaps get larger and smaller for the rest of time. If it becomes too painful for me to bear again, they can drain it, but said there would be a 3 in 5 chance of it refilling. So I elected not to do so, as it is not presently painful.
Preface before the rest of the post: I’m sick today and yesterday. Lost my voice, kind of a sore throat, totally exhausted. Also, a hint of vertigo and a lot of dissociation / out of body experiences.
Today is a wretched, miserable day and yet it didn’t begin that way. It was a perfectly happy morning. Yesterday was difficult. I don’t know what except that I lost my voice and felt EXHAUSTED. So I might be having allergies, flu, and something else as well. Because now my own mental processes have kicked in and my negative thoughts have been spiraling out of control. And since I haven’t had any private time until this instant, which I had to force, I have been feeling blind and like I am swinging around an ax to get people to give me space.
Loosely translated, what I mean is that my partner and I have had some negative exchanges today. It actually got REALLY bad for a while. But come on, I wanted to be left alone and you just wouldn’t. I was already in tears.
Oh well. I am tired. I don’t know if I have a flu or not. Certainly my throat is sore but that could be allergies. Certainly I’m exhausted beyond words. But I wish so much that you would just see when I am sick and not take it all out of control and make it all like we still have to have this serious conversation THIS INSTANT but that I will take like 4 or 5 days to recover and then we can have the conversation. Instead of hurting me and basically forcing me to hurt you, too, because I’m backed into a corner with no other way but to grit my teeth and cry and say shit to get through. Ridiculous. This can’t happen ever again.
So not okay.
So I’ve had like an hour of ALONE time now and that has been a relief. I’m going to take some anxiety medicine, just in case there’s a mental illness element to this yuckiness.
This is a friendly reminder to CHECK YOUR BREASTS for lumps!!! Yeah. You’ve done it for years and never found anything abnormal so you may have gotten lazy, like me. Do it. Go do it right now and then continue to do it regularly so you know what your normal feels like and can detect slight changes.
Otherwise, you might be like me, who hasn’t really gotten around to self-checking in a couple of years and also may not have had an appointment with a gynecologist in the same amount of time. So my breasts have been ignored for a couple of years, which didn’t seem like a big deal since nothing had ever been unusual with them.
Until Friday evening, when suddenly I felt a pain as if I’d been punched in the breast (one side). It hurt so badly. I felt the area and there’s a hard lump there about the size of a kiwi or an egg. Well who is open on a Friday night? (No one.)
On Saturday, I went to the Urgent Care. They were all booked up for the day, so they transferred me to another Urgent Care. That doctor said I needed a mammogram ASAP. By this point, it was excruciatingly painful. I couldn’t raise my arm on that side. Going up and down stairs was quite painful. Touching the area was way too painful. I have to be gentle when walking, even on flat surfaces.
But, the mammogram places all around the city are booked solid. It doesn’t matter if you’re walking around with an extremely painful lump the size of an extra large egg in your breast. I have an appointment scheduled for a few days in the future and in spite of calling around all morning today, that is still the best I’ve found.
Now, I’m not saying it’s cancer. The doctor thought that the way the lump moves is more like a cyst. But there’s only one way to find out for sure.
So this is your friendly PSA: Follow through on routine breast-lump self-checks. Do it. Because if I had noticed this gigantic lump when it was slightly less gigantic, I’d have saved myself a lot of pain! I recommend it.
Wow. I’m here. It’s been a really long time. For over two months, recently, I had a different computer and it wouldn’t load WordPress. So that’s part of it.
Some things have changed big time. Some things have not changed, at least on the outside. But I have changed on the inside.
It would be nice if I could use this space to keep my thoughts organized this time. I know it isn’t realistic; some parts of me seem static, like my cycling interests which control where I am able to focus on any given day(week)[month]. No matter how much I wish that I could keep to one thing each and every day of a year, it just doesn’t seem possible.
But, regardless, part of what changed in the past couple of months has affected me deeply. I feel very different inside. It has rippled out into some changes in behavior that I am keeping strong each day, in the hopes of them becoming habits.
For example, food. Before my motivation wanes and exhaustion sets in again, I am fostering better habits. I am keeping certain foods on hand that can always been easily consumed (eg. carrots, pre-washed spinach, potatoes, broccoli, bananas). I am spending some time at least every couple of days to prepare some food. For example, tomorrow I am cooking a spaghetti squash. I have made tacos. I’ve had canned soup. I made two veggie pizzas that I cut up and put in the freezer for future days.
Portions. I’m being conscious of portion sizes. Even though I hate watching my share get eaten by others, I can either take my whole portion and set half aside for future days right away, or allow my remaining share to go to others and feel happy with myself about it, not envious.
Going to bed. I am going to bed at a decent hour every night. I will continue to do this.
I’m going elsewhere to study. I am nearly all packed for tomorrow, where I will go to a library for most of the day in order to focus on my current class. I just need to finish with this computer and pack it away. Tomorrow morning, I’ll pack up some carrots, apple slices, and perhaps a PBj for lunch.
I have to go.
Man, time has really flown by. After my previous, ultra negative post, I started watching lectures by a motivation speaker. I forget his name right now. It did wonders for me. I felt way better right away.
I’m behind with schoolwork. Not I’m-about-to-be-expelled behind but like, I need to do nothing but study for the next 2 weeks to get through this class in time. My ADD isn’t allowing me to do that, though. This particular textbook is extremely dry and even reading 2 pages is incredibly tough and can take hours.
I’m going to be out of town for a week, starting in like less than 48 hours. It’s kind of nuts. I’m not packed. It shouldn’t be too hard to pack for this with one, large exception: I don’t have enough medication and I still haven’t switched doctors which means that I have to call the clinic that I hate so much. They’re really, really mean and short and never, ever, not once have gotten my prescription request correct. I have been procrastinating calling them all morning so far. Hours.
I’m still an addict. (I had deleted the app for only about 5 days or something; it had not helped me focus any better w/o it and in fact I hardly exercised at all during that time.) I consider so many of these people to be friends. I wonder if they feel the same way — I always suspect that most people aside from me have “real” friends elsewhere. I do have one friend, that one I walk with every Monday. Then I have another friend back near my parents, although we only speak about once a year. Aside from that, these Poké people have, for me, become my real friends! I miss them when they travel; I’ll miss them when I’m out of town next week.
Okay, I called the pharmacy and had them fax the doctor for the current (wrong) prescription so I won’t have to talk to the clinic. Someday, I do need to get them to fix the prescription to have the right quantity but until then. Ugh. I really need to find a new doctor instead. I still have to contact one other doctor for a prescription, but that person is nice, at least.
Then, I need to pack. THEN study. Then, only if there is truly time, I do have a Mewtwo raid later in the day. 😛 I doubt I will make it, however.