Weaning off Lexapro: Days 125 – 136

I have been and am still on Lexapro 5 mg. I will not be reducing any more any time soon. So I won’t be continuing these type of entries after this, unless my dose changes.

I am on the 5 mg, after having been on 20 mg for like 12 years straight. My emotions and perceptions of the world around me are all over the place. In nearly every aspect of life, I am torn.

It’s impossible for me to know at this moment if indeed all of these parts of my life actually need to change, or if the angst and unrest I’m experiencing is a direct result of the decrease in Lexapro. I could make these changes and tear apart my current life. Or I could increase my Lexapro dose. Or I could do a little bit of both. But at this exact moment in time, I cannot know which is the most “correct” choice.

The past weekend was terrible. I was avoiding studying for a Final exam and I failed the pre-assessment. But all of the terror and hopeless that I was feeling inside, I didn’t attribute properly to the schoolwork. I attributed it everywhere else around me and I hurt my boyfriend and I hurt our relationship pretty severely.

When I was Home recently, it felt right. I wanted to stay forever. But if I broke up with my boyfriend and moved back Home, I’m sure I’d be full of anxiety and feel very dark and depressed. I’m sure that I would feel very scared and as though I’d shut a door to a very large world. I’m sure that for a long time, things would feel without purpose, shallow, and hopeless.

I pay [irrelevant] a month. I flip between that seeming like a small amount and an impossibly large amount. I am unemployed. So that money is basically coming from old savings– mostly money from my now-deceased grandparents.

But, many people go into debt for an education. That is socially acceptable and “normal”. ((All irrelevant.))

Logically, I realize other people’s wealth is irrelevant. I made the CHOICE to quit my below-minimum-wage-tutoring job to focus entirely on school. Of COURSE that means paying out of savings for a couple of years (kiss the old money goodbye; I wasn’t very good at Math).

I’m considering reapplying for the tutoring job. They’ve increased the wage to minimum wage now. I’m sure I could get in a few hours a week. It would be really hard because the bus route is not fast, and I can’t have the job unless I’m also taking classes there. So I’d be really splitting up my time to make a tiny amount of money. But it would also be giving me back my self-esteem. I felt good when tutoring people. And it would be good for me to have a set schedule.

My boyfriend and I are thinking of moving. I don’t know if it will help us or not. But I think that we need to feel more like independent adults again. And I hope we can find a place that shortens both of our commutes. But the cost will go up. We pay [irrelevant] rent right now but I don’t think we could find anything that low anywhere near here.

Yep, there is that wave of hopelessness. I just pictured how much effort and energy I will be putting into tutoring and how very, very little money I’ll be making and how it will all be going to rent. I know, this is reality for many people. Maximum effort to not even stay afloat.

I could go back to my parents. I’d be on such a good schedule there. I’d feel so much more at peace there. I’d be with my dog, who has congestive heart failure but is responding well to his medications. Up there, I could get a part-time job again and study. It’s all easier there.

I don’t want to go to couples therapy this week. I’m afraid of what we’ll talk about. And I don’t know my own mind on so many of the topics.

For now, I need to stop thinking. I need to focus on studying today. I deleted my beloved Pokémon Go app. If I could just delete the thoughts from my head… I need to get through a lot of readings and practice problems today.

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Weaning off Lexapro: Day 40

Meds:

  • 10mg Lexapro, normal thyroid meds
  • electrolyte beverage
  • a little bit of walking

Symptoms:

  • Fretting over my current relationship with bf
  • UPDATE: A symptom I’ve been forgetting to mention but have been experiencing for a couple of weeks: a strange, warm, fuzzy feeling in my stomach. It’s very unusual for me. It’s almost like, a positive, warm fuzzy happy feeling? It’s really weird.
  • UPDATE: The acid reflux stuff seems to have eased off

Journal Items:

  • Got up for an appointment with a course professor at 9am
  • Went for a walk afterward
  • Ate breakfast/lunch at a cafeteria type place
  • Went to a library to focus on my studies
  • Kind of frittered away time once I got back home
  • Watching horse videos online and some stuff on learning disorders
  • Wrote an extremely long email to relationship counselor (she’s already replied; she’s very nice and makes me feel hopeful)
  • Ate dinner late (9pm)
  • Getting ready for bed

Weaning off Lexapro: Day 18

Yellow flowers on a tall, green tree and a blue sky background

A lovely tree from 2 summers ago

Meds Today:

  • 10mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • exercise (walking)

Symptoms:

  • Extremely bad acid reflux or something during the night (I won’t go into details but it was very bad)
  • Very poor quality sleep last night
  • Light-headed at times
  • Okay mood until 1 thing bothered me with bf, then angry for like an hour
  • Anxious/surreal in the evening, but reason to be explained below

Journal List:

  1. Got up around 10ish, I think, which isn’t terrible considering how poorly I slept
  2. Ate breakfast with bf, who’d taken the day off
  3. We also ate lunch together, halfway to our differing destinations
  4. I volunteered at an animal shelter
  5. We met back up, but alas I got defensive over a street crossing comment that is a sore topic because I always feel like he’s criticizing the way I cross streets, which I think is preposterous because I’ve driven for years and he’s never had a license and I think I know better what pedestrians do that is scary for a driver than him. But anyway.
  6. We got home and I went to my computer and took about an hour there to process part of what I do as a volunteer. Meanwhile, I was wearing ear protection, like what is used on rifle ranges, because I had heard some talking downstairs and then a loud television, and I wanted to focus well on the volunteer stuff
  7. But it turned out that my bf and his mom had a big blow up! I’ve never heard them have a blow up before. She told him to go to hell. I can’t fathom. He hates being her tech support and I guess she was asking him another question about her broken cell phone and he was refusing to help and things went out of control somehow.
  8. So of course, then I start shaking, I don’t know why exactly — after all, I hadn’t heard any of it until he came up to talk with me about what was happening. I suggested that maybe she’d gotten upset when he told her it was easy and she could do it herself — I said that would upset me, anyway. He back down and apologized for that and said it wasn’t easy and was hard and that’s part of why he doesn’t like helping (he does tech stuff all day at work and doesn’t want to be tech support outside of work, which he made clear when we first moved in here — he had laid down 2 rules. 1) No loud TV after we’ve gone to bed, and 2) no asking him for tech support)
  9. But anyway, it didn’t help, and she was really crying
  10. I came down and bf was trying to explain something to her and she was sobbing into a kitchen towel while making us all dinner! I signalled for him to stop and whispered, emotional flooding. Conversation later, not during emotional flooding
  11. Also, she said please watch the food, she would be leaving, she just had to leave (not sure where to fit this in)
  12. I told her, it might be bad timing but I was just headed out to do a 1-tier Pokémon Go raid, would she like to come. She did (Update: Which was true– I’d been planning to go to that 1-tier raid so I wouldn’t waste a raid pass)
  13. So she and I walked for at least an hour and ended up doing two raids and it was nice, although surreal
  14. We all ate dinner together afterward but I can’t say things are totally fine yet, although they’ve chatted a bit and we all watched Dr. Who together just now.
  15. I feel not normal but at least not depressed, so. That’s something.

Weaning off Lexapro: Days 8 + 9

Blue sky with white, streaky cloud in late afternoon, with ocean water on a bit of sand

Two years ago-ish, which is hard to believe

8th Day:

  • 15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • fish oil, mulit-vite
  • minimal exercise (walking)

9th Day:

  • 15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • Update: fish oil

Symptoms:

  • I am still SO TIRED. It is less than 2 days ago, but still very bad. It’s not lack of sleep (although it could be lack of REGULAR schedule)
  • Not in a very talkative mood, which is hard since my schedule involves A LOT of human interaction last week/this week
  • My fingertips are kind of tingly, like very mild zappies
  • Update: Cranky / IN A SECRETIVE MOOD

Additional:

  1. So my partner is injured as of late, and can’t walk without assistance. I think that has hampered my own exercising. Perhaps I should go out on a bicycle ride right now.
  2. Listen, Friday night, dinner with bf and friend. Sat. night dinner with bf, his folks, and their friends. Sun. night dinner with bf, my brother, his gf, and his friends. Tonight, dinner with bf and his parents. And I’ve had NO PRIVACY FOR A WEEK. You don’t have to know me super well to know that I’m trying to withdraw into a dark cave but people find me there anyway.
  3. And, I’m doing this withdrawing from Lexapro thing. And I’m not really sure it’s going well, with how damn tired I am and withdrawn from wanting to talk to anybody.
  4. Plus, it’s Christmas time. Hanukkah is celebrated here, and Christmas, in a way. My mom sent me a box but it made me kind of sad because I could tell she put in a lot of things that she hoped bf’s parents would like. I always open her box in private, hoping it’s something special between the two of us, but since I’ve been living here, it’s always like jams and stuff that she hopes bf’s folks will like. I only like 2 kinds of jam and I buy them from a store and nobody else likes them so they’re just mine. I’ll talk to her about it at some point, but I don’t want it to be right now because then she might feel guilty for the box, and I don’t want that. I put it off last year, too, and then forgot to ever bring it up, and now we’re in this situation again.
  5. Not as if it’s the same as being there. We always ski together on Christmas day. That’s our family thing. We have breakfast together and then we ski.
  6. I’ve been studying better again lately, so now I’m less sure about my plan for next semester (going back to the city college, working again as a tutor, etc.)
  7. Nope, I can’t go bicycling now. They want to watch more Dirk Gently and will go insane if I postpone it because it’s already been postponed every day for a week.
  8. I’ll lift some little weights instead. And do some crunches. And a push-up, if I’m strong enough.
  9. “Next year” I’ll do my own Christmas celebrations. It’s just never the same as you get older, you know? You have traditions as a child. Then you grow up and everyone else’s traditions interfere with your own. I’m lacking the “quiet reflection” part of it, and the connection with the outdoor, natural world (as if there’s such a thing here in a city??? Fuck)
  10. Update: Thinking of positive things I’ve experienced that any potential child of mine could never, ever experience, like the being put on the shuttle for hours by one set of relatives and ending up at the other end with another set of relatives. But in the meantime, spending all of those hours to myself, listening to my walkman and watching out the window, and day dreaming. But my relatives aren’t spread in such a way for that to work, anymore.

Weaning off Lexapro: Day 7

Water's surface on a gray day

Water on a gray day

Today:

  • 15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • Multivite, fish oil capsule
  • Hardly any exercise (walking)

Symptoms:

  • NOT IN A TALKATIVE MOOD except with my boyfriend
  • VERY tired

I cannot be sure if my mood and exhaustion are from the withdrawal or from my period starting.

I’m not sure I can handle this weekend. Tonight, a friend was over and my bf, myself, and the friend ate out together. Tomorrow, there is a dinner party here with bf’s mom’s friends. It is so hard to distance myself from helping with cooking in times like this. But I do not want to help cook. I would chew off my limb to avoid cooking. Then on Sunday, another dinner party, this time w/my bro and his gf. I need to pick up some things for it. My bf wants to make cookies rather than me purchase something, but he’s injured right now and I’m too damn tired to make cookies. I know I will be cleaning the whole downstairs before the dinner party; that doesn’t bother me. If I’m asked to help with cooking, though, it will be one more inflation to my balloon body that is already set to explode.

I just need to re-adjust my thinking. Remember, it’s “the holidays”. They’re supposed to be stressful. It’s not all relaxing and fun and games and sacred, peaceful moments of thoughtful reflection and prayer, like when you were a child (I was very spiritual although nobody else in my family was or knew).

An update! Oceans, flights, hikes, conflict, beauty, and change

Well, it is time for an update! I have no clue when was the last time I updated this blog. But it’s well past time for an update. And, let’s have some ORDER around here! Bulleted list time:

Canada goose butt

The elegance of a feeding Canada goose

  1. I am suddenly distracted by a conversation happening downstairs. I will try my best to tune it out. I do not travel to other countries, so I have no reason to eavesdrop on how to make a phone service work in other countries, or buying other SIM cards, etc. No clue. Tune it out.
  2. School! Well. It was going very well until this current class. And now, HALT! I am scraping through chapters like a slug trying to complete a marathon in the rain. Hey, we’ll get there eventually. But I’ve blown my timeline.
    1. THE WORST, for me, is that I lost my Student Mentor! He got transferred to a different department. I got assigned a new one and I find myself feeling depressed while on the phone with her. She wants me to make sure I’m going for the right major for me, considering I have no interest in Accounting, kind of hate it, and fear and am bad at Math. She doesn’t understand that I am taking this horse to the end of the river. It doesn’t matter that I don’t want to be going through this river crossing. It’s the way to get there. It’s not my favorite way. I’d rather we have gone up over a mountain ridge instead. But I’m here in the horrible, dangerous river crossing that’s going to take years, but my horse is willing and I’m going to stick it out. Because, I’m not exactly young and not getting any younger, and I have no direction other than this, and I’m sticking to it, dammit.
  3. I quit the psychologist I was seeing for a while there. We never really clicked and like I’ve written sometime before, we had a serious issue come up that was never resolved and it was terribly awkward and I realized he doesn’t understand me and won’t understand me and I could never trust him again and wasn’t getting to where I wanted to be, so that’s done.
  4. My boyfriend and I are going to couples therapy now! We had our second appointment today and I really think this lady is wonderful! I feel as though she really knows the topic (couples and conflict and resolution). We had homework from Session 1 and it was helpful. This week, we have even more homework, and I’m kind of excited about some of it! 🙂 I was so excited during the appointment, when we were talking about ideas for reducing grocery store tensions, that I almost started crying tears of joy. …P.S. I am experiencing some insane PMS yesterday & today! Whew. Talk about eyes tearing up.
  5. Which is nice. Because all of that screwing around with my thyroid doses has given me Dry Eyes to the point where my eye doctor wants me to be on prescription eye stuff. In lieu of that, I’m to use Blink for very dry eyes multiple times a day. You know you have dry eyes when you put in a few drops of that stuff and feel like you’ve reached some kind of Heaven and kind of want to just keep dropping the stuff into your eyes, like a continuous stream. aaaaahhh bliss.
  6. I’m considering going back to the city college. I would take a specific Accounting class that I need to take for the online school but have a lot of concerns about. I think taking it in person first will give me a lot more confidence. Also, I could go back to weight lifting and jogging for my other credits. Then, I would qualify as an Accounting Tutor again, which would be so great. I loved doing that. It just pays so pathetically.
  7. But my stress over money is reaching extreme danger levels. I applied to a local job last week but I hadn’t seen the posting for 9 days and they’d already filled it. But they offered to keep my resume on file for the next opening, which was pretty nice of them. Man, I would have loved that job. I was so excited. I re-wrote my entire resume, which takes a lot of internal energy.
  8. Clouds in blue sky

    Clouds and Blue

    I am in love with walking along the water, even with so many people and chaos and the birds and the seals and more birds and the water and the breeze…. aahhhhh… Lovely. So I go out there a lot now to study in a coffee shop near the water. I focus much better there than I do at home, which I get distracted and do things like laundry and read about tidying and stuff. 🙂

  9. Goodnight! 1/2 dose of clonazapam kicked in a while back and I’m in a very happy, content haze at the moment. I hate to ever lose this feeling but I can hardly see straight due to my exhaustion (I haven’t been sleeping well for two weeks)
  10. Not since I got to spend so much time with my parents and my beloved dog. ❤ I’ve had insomnia of epic proportions ever since then.
  11. I have been practicing music more frequently. Yay.
  12. I need to and would like to do a bunch of garden weeding.