Mundane Update

I’m calling this a mundane update. I’d say that I normally only come on here when my emotions are high or out of whack or something’s eating me, etc.

But I logged in for a different reason this evening, and thought, perhaps I would go ahead and write. Because writing helps me stay stable.

And I feel completely stable at present. I.E. I normally wouldn’t be writing. So here I am.

I’ll give a day recap. I had a big exam this morning in computer programming. I hope it went okay; time will tell. Tutoring was really challenging because students from one of the other classes came in for emergency help (their exam is tomorrow) but it was from a class that hardly anyone asks for help for, so I don’t remember the content very well. And I hadn’t brought the right notes; I didn’t realize some of those classes were that far in the book. I don’t bring my full notes because they’re so heavy.

I actually went across town after school/work. That’s not my norm. But last night, I got an invite to dinner with my SO and some of his friends, one of whom I have met a couple of times now and I enjoy his company. So we went even though it was for a very late dinner and we only just got back a bit ago. It’s late. I’m super sleepy.

I’m getting over a virus. I had to take like a week off of school. I missed the exam review and the last bit of new info for it and everything! So I studied a lot this-past weekend.

Pokémon Go is pretty exciting right now. They re-balanced the gym prestige. And this week, or for a few days anyway, they’re running these crazy double-poké stop goodies and double (or more) spawn rates of critters. This is tied into my getting-over-my-virus because I finally feel a bit of energy returning so I’m probably going to go out on a Poké bike ride tomorrow after work, or at least a nice walk. I walked a tiny bit extra today, and it was really nice. The sunset was amazing.

I’m super, incredibly behind in my online school. Well, only a week or 2, but it feels like a lot. It’s because my current class is a writing-based class and I suck at writing papers. I have one I need to revise TOMORROW (I’m telling myself that) and then I need to write one more paper. Then I can move onto a different class, thank goodness.

Well, I’m incredibly sleepy beyond words, so goodnight. Voting is tomorrow here but I already voted.

Close friends (no)

I’m assuming it’s mostly the Asperger deal but this lack of close friendship is killing me right now. I’m going through a lot internally and I feel so terribly lonely. I wish I had someone to go on walks with, and bike rides. I was bicycling nearly the whole day today, and it was lovely and beautiful and felt good physically, but I’ve entered into a depression as of late and things are pretty hard because of that.

A wee bit of mania

So all I can say for this week is… IF I were a wee bit toward bipolar, this would be my wee bit toward mania. I’m thinking back and finding that my physical weakness is what stops me from doing so much, and that’s a good thing.

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Pancakes taste best when they’re the same color as the skillet, right?? 🙂

Today, I actually got up “early” for me (it was 8 or 9 am, when my bf got up for work; it was a late start for him). I chatted with my phone via phone for 35 minutes (she was driving hands-free; the phone was hands-free, not the steering wheel). It was a fun conversation and my bf got ready for work. Afterward, I asked him what he’d like for breakfast. He had 15 minutes left before he had to leave. He suggested gf pancakes. I jumped up and started making them (I had a mix). They didn’t turn out (my batter was too thick; I kept waiting for the tops to bubble but they didn’t; the bottoms burnt up while I was waiting for the tops). Anyway, a few turned out all right so he ate and ran (the REALLY burnt ones didn’t take place until after he was gone and I was making the rest of the batter).

Anyway. Me cooking = pretty extreme. That doesn’t happen. Me, in a super cheerful mood, rushes upstairs and realizes I still have time to put away half of the clean laundry before taking my shower and heading to class. And I did so. I bicycled there and was on time. (Unheard of.) And I managed to have all of the bits and pieces organized for the day. [THIS HAS BEEN NOT HAPPENING WELL LATELY. I have a different schedule each day and have been grabbing or not grabbing things very poorly for the day.] I also planned to maybe bike to the beach after school.

After class, I was hungry. I ate a snack bar and went to a food place on campus to search for food. No luck. So I was still playing with this idea to bike to the ocean. And find a taco place on the way. So I swapped out my bike locks so my lighter two were in my bag and my heavy one is left on campus (when you see random locks left on posts and such — no longer assume they are left there by people whose tires were stolen; it could be left there by people who park there frequently enough and don’t want to drag the weight back and forth with them anymore). The bike shop guy told me about that. So anyway. I packed up from school and headed out toward the ocean. Yeah. Awesome. This crazy city has bike routes every which way, it seems. I really don’t understand why more people don’t bicycle around here.

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Sanderlings are present there… tiny little dots in a backlit photo

So I made it to the BEACH!!! It was SOOOO WINDY. I was being PELTED in the face with sand. It kind of stung. But I saw some sanderlings down along the water line and wanted to photograph them, so I dragged my bike down through the sand, do or die. And then pushed/walked my bike along the shore for a while. Then discovered the bike paths up above the shore. The sand blasting was worse up there but I stayed and rode along there for quite a while. Eventually I went back toward home but stopped first at a bike shop:

“How much would you charge to clean the sand out of my gears??? It’s making an awful sound…” haha.  It turned out my break pads needed to be replaced as well as my stretched chain. (I’D FORGOTTEN THAT YOU NEED TO REPLACE YOUR CHAIN EVERY half year or year or however hard you ride your bike. It’s really important because when it gets stretched, it then doesn’t fit on the cogs as well and starts to wear them down. Eventually you’ll need expensive fixes all because you didn’t just buy a new chain once or twice a year!!!) So yeah. Today was expensive.

But I’ve got to tell you. My bike is riding so much more smoothly now and my breaks are amazing. LOL

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Ice plant

Hey so in light of this feeling awfully suspiciously like an innerdragon wee bit of mania phase (my body ran out of the ability to move so I just sat in the bike shop for 1.5 hours while they worked on it), I took my PRN night medicine. It’s for sleep but it’s technically an anti-anxiety medicine. But I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I keep waking up very alert. Last night, I couldn’t fall asleep because my OCD flared up and I couldn’t get past this loop of this one thought that played over and over and over again in my head and was making me really mad at my bf. (It was something trivial along the same lines of when people squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle or something. I literally don’t recall what it was anymore – that’s how unimportant it was. But OBSESSIVE THINKING OBSESSIVE THINKING. I couldn’t get my mind to switch to a new topic. Anyway, I don’t want to think about it.) Tonight, I’m going to sleep. This medicine is prescribed originally for my restless leg syndrome but it also helps me fall asleep and stay asleep. And that I can think more clearly without being stopped constantly by anxiety is a wonderful side effect.

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Ice plants, gull, moon. Along the shore

Oh yeah. So I’ve already had dinner (bf’s mother saved me a portion of salmon! I had some more things as well). I’ve watched a bit of TV with her this evening. Now I’ve run another load of laundry (bedding and a towel this time) AND put away everything. Bf’s clothes, my clothes, and remade the bed. I’m just waiting now to see if he notices. He’s not always observant about certain things. I think if I left the pillows on top of the clean sheet, he’ll notice, but if I tuck them back under as usual, then maybe he won’t notice. Ah the way we entertain ourselves in life.

One of my beloved cousins in visiting my folks right now. I have a beloved photo of my baby dog greeting her gently, her with suitcases still in hand. ❤ My old man baby dog. He may have something serious wrong with him health-wise but the vets haven’t ruled out that maybe it is something that can be corrected with diet changes. So he is on a new diet and loving it. But is still skin and bones, my poor baby. It is hard to be away from him. No moment spent with him was ever or could ever be a wasted moment.

Oh yeah so back to the sleep medicine. I’m on this and it’s fully kicked in. I decided it was called for because at this point, I obviously could only benefit from something grounding like a solid sleep. Tomorrow, I need to focus on studying. I played today.

MONEY MAKE-BACK COUNTDOWN

Okay, this is half joke, a quarter revenge and a quarter serious.

TARGET GOAL: 67 avoided bus rides

Joke: I just learned about “Sunk Costs” in Accounting
Revenge: I had to pay a bogus citation plus a HUGE late fee (okay, the late part was my own fault). The citation was for allegedly not swiping my card on a bus. But in truth, I did swipe it but the reader was busted. I protested it unsuccessfully through writing. Then I gathered tons of documentation and things for an in-person hearing but took them downtown 4 days late. My fault but the late fee was HUGE. Ridiculous. For a bogus citation. So I’m going to make back the money by not using them for my regular routes.
Serious: I do want to spend less on transportation.

My updates to the remaining number of avoided bus rides will be in the COMMENTS to this post, because that’s easiest for me to update when out and about. It’ll be a “stickied” post on my front page until I complete the 67 avoided bus rides.

A Brief Update (and a single picture, for now)

imageI couldn’t let you know ahead of time but I went Home (my parents and dog) recently. I’m back home (bf, school) now but I made it and it was wonderful. I can’t say much tonight; I’m going to go to bed very shortly.

There was much skiing and walking and such. I mean much. Every day.

So now that I’m back, I don’t want to lose that momentum. So I went to the bike shop after school yesterday and got my bike all fixed up (there were some things wrong). I also bought yet another lock. Two, actually. One is just to hold my seat on. The other is a fricking expensive but light-weight u-lock for my frame. City living…

So I biked to school today. That was pretty rough. I had to walk two hills on the return trip. It was a total of 9 miles and not flat enough for me. And my anti-persperant definitely couldn’t hold up… Plus I had jogging class. Apologies to the folks who sat near me at the tutoring center today.

It’s hard to be away from my parents and my dog. It’s interesting what kinds of things I have such strong emotional attachments to and what I can now part with. I parted with some more clothing. Even a black sweatshirt I had held onto for maybe close to two decades even though it had shrunk and was too small for me. But for many years, it held sand from an old Hawaii trip in its pockets, even after numerous washes. It was very sentimental for me. But I was able to part with it.

Then there were things in my childhood bedroom that had been rearranged and I was actually able to rearrange certain things, too. That’s pretty big for me. Certain shelves had to be kept in a certain arrangement or else I would experience intense anxiety due to OCD. It would feel that my luck would change and I would get terminally ill or those I loved could get terminally ill or injured. But it was not so bad this time around.

That is not to say I was able to part with all sorts of things. There is still so much I’m hanging onto and I wish I could let them go. But I won’t despair; it seems that things have been getting a little easier each time. So perhaps next time I am there, I can part with a few more things. And so on.

Anyway, I really need to go to sleep. One thing I did not get a lot of was good-quality sleep. For one thing, I was sometimes very sore and didn’t take pain medicine and thus didn’t sleep well. For another, there was a headboard I wasn’t used to and kept bonking my head into it.

Oh, but being with my parents and dog was WONDERFUL WONDERFUL WONDERFUL. There is so much I could say and tell about.

Up and Down: The story of life

I can see now that I’m not exactly the most emotionally-stable person. If I were updating you regularly, you guys would know it too. Let me tell you a story.

Twice a week, my mornings begin on the campus track, under a great, open sky. Several times, it’s even been sunny and warm. But on these track mornings, we run here, we run there, we stop and stretch. We stop and slump. We stop and practice un-slumping. We slump and greet each other. We stand tall and great each other. We ground ourselves downwards for the backside and upwards for the front side of our bodies. Our heads touch the sky. We run more. We walk briskly. And as I run, I see the gulls and crows and pigeons and some other birds. I see the clouds and feel the sky. I breathe the air and feel amazing. That’s life. UP.

Let me tell you a story. Four times a week, I am now getting paid a minimum wage to help tutor Accounting 1 students. This can range from nobody needing my help, in which case I can do my own homework, or certain people needing intense help. I am a Helper by nature. Shyness and asperger are both irrelevant if I am trying to help someone. It’s awkward when I don’t have the words or I know what I want to say but can’t form it into a sentence. It’s hard to think of other ways of explaining a concept someone is struggling with. But I whip out my computer and search online for many explanations and then find the words to string it all together, sometimes. Sometimes I am able to find a way of explaining something and the person has a lightbulb moment. Those moments are wonderful. UP.

At other times, it can take me a long time to remember how to work out a certain type of problem. But I am happy so long as I don’t mislead or give wrong information to anyone. I have helped people come to correct answers several times now, so that is really, really cool. UP.

I had six combined hours of tutoring time where nobody was asking for my help, and I was able to do my Accounting 2 homework. When it came time for my Accounting 2 class, I had studied so much that I was able to do ALL of the in-class assignments without any real problems! I felt quite amazed. UP.

Here’s another story. I am taking a Beginning Piano class. It meets many times during the week. The chords are hard for me and the posture is something I work on, but I already know how to read notes and count rhythm so a lot of class is very … well, boring. So last class period, a student with a guide-dog-for-the-blind entered the room and asked to join. He asked to have a student who could sit with him all semester and help him stay on track, because he can’t read the music. I volunteered. First of all, his dog was incredibly adorable and sweet. Second of all, I was having too much time on my hands during class anyway (I’ve already practiced the book for many lessons ahead of where we’re currently at). So helping him starting today during class, and it was very interesting for me. He taught me how to find the same chord up along the keyboard easily by knowing the number of white notes between the left and right hand. I helped him learn the G7 chord we were working on in class. He’ll just have to learn the melodies by ear, but I could assist his learning the two chords, at least. And I sit right by his awesome dog, who sleeps the whole class period. UP.

The story is going to start to change soon. I’m just warning you.

So I bought a cheapo guitar the other day. I can’t justify the purchase but I’ve been playing it every single day since then and having great fun. I became obsessed with guitar again after hearing the song, “Burning House” by Cam. The piano music for it cost money, but the guitar tab was free online. Of course, the guitar cost more than the piano music would have…but anyway. Now I’m learning “Closer” by Travis on the guitar and it’s lovely. My mom is also teaching me the fingerings for alto recorder via FaceTime, which is challenging. But I’ve been meaning to do that for years. She calls this time period “another of my manic music phases”. UH OH.

I wish I could begin to tell you another story, but this one is so confusing, I just don’t know what to make of it. There’s a story about my boyfriend and myself, and maybe even his mother. I don’t know where he and I stand at the moment. I’m going to use some buzzwords and say my “love tank” is running on empty. In other words, he’s not SHOWING me love in the way I am capable of FEELING loved. I believe it is happening the other way around, as well. Sometimes he comes home from work and I’m too uncertain and awaiting and don’t make any first moves. I just wait. What am I waiting for? Him to sweep me up off my feet and spin me around and say how wonderful it is to see me again?

Life was different when we lived in the apartment with his old roommate. Our lives were different. There were times when I came home and went to the grocery store and tried to cook parts of meals for our dinner. He would try to arrange his schedule to come home earlier and he’d help with other parts of the meals. He frequently played piano. I did homework and what else did I do? Play with Curie the cat? I vacuumed a lot.

Now, what is going on? He comes home and he always greets me but I am not always initially warm toward him. I feel a “waiting” inside, like waiting to see what the rest of the evening will be like, waiting to see what’s up. One time, I was smack in the middle of re-writing some guitar chords for a song that someone else had written out incorrectly, and he came in and immediately started to read to me my Accounting textbook and ask me questions about it — which is awesome and helpful from one standpoint, but it wasn’t what I was doing right then and there — I was finishing a personal project. So I don’t know, I don’t think I handled it very well, just trying to get us to go downstairs and help his mother with dinner because I couldn’t handle trying to suddenly switch my brain over and think about Accounting. But then I spent the rest of the evening worrying if I’d disappointed him or something.

But then there are also the times when he comes home, and he always greets me, and frankly I am not always warm toward him, and he spends most of the evening talking/discussing/debating/arguing politics with his mom. Or they watch the TV downstairs together and they’re both on their electronic devices, like she’ll be on her laptop doing research and he’ll either be on his laptop or reading news and stuff off of his phone. And I just go upstairs and listen to “Welcome to Night Vale” or music. Or now, I play guitar up here.

I do join them a lot, for various TV shows, like we are in the process of watching all of the Doc Martin episodes from start to finish. I don’t mean to say I always avoid them but sometimes, I really can’t handle the talking any more.

I’m handling my homesickness by talking with my mom over the telephone nearly every single day now. Sometimes I get to hear my dad’s hilarious background commentary. For example, yesterday I made my mom listen to me struggle through an easy Bach piece on piano. I must have been on speakerphone because at the end, my dad said, “Bach is rolling over in his grave!” But it’s SO funny when he says these things because he can’t keep a straight face even as he’s saying it, so he was cracking himself up while trying to say it to me. I love my parents so much.

My boyfriend is meeting me for my nighttime class each week. That’s pretty amazingly awesome. I was too afraid to take the class, and it’s across the city from the usual campus, but he said he’d meet me there after class and we’d bus home together. It’s been working. I was 15 minutes late to class last time, since I’m still very anxious about attending the night class, but at least I made it.

So I haven’t been spelling it out for you very well, but I get down sometimes. Just down. I’m not suicidal right now. I’m not even particularly self-injurious, with the exception of a very shit non-communication that took place when my bf got home late from work last night. I worked through it in a healthy way, though. I took care of some chores downstairs, thus making myself available should he wish to find me, and then going into the bathroom, closing the door, putting in some earbuds and jamming out to a current favorite song fairly loudly and with much dancing. I painted some of my fingernails between dancing. By the time he sought me out, he found me perfectly happy and having a personal dance/nail party and he was creeping in with a very anxious look on his face like he was so worried about whatever it was that had happened. I don’t know. We are just kind of shit for communication, but a lot of it is I’m finding myself reverting back to OLD PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR AND WITHDRAWING. That ain’t fair to anyone, and it’s not adult, rational, assertive behavior, and it’s not fair to ME. So it’s not what I want.

So it turns out that I misunderstood but one of my old TaskRabbits actually asked me out on a date like a month or two ago. At the time, I just responded letting him know who he was speaking with — I thought he’d written to the wrong innerdragon! But I later clarified, it was me! So that’s flattering but, I’m still into my boyfriend. I know we’re in a phase right now that’s going to require some killer hard work to pull our shit out of, but I still think it’s worth it. If that scale tips, well, then suck. I hope the scale doesn’t tip.

But the biggest downer in my life right now is the communication shit my boyfriend and I are going through. He sounded pretty amazed when last night, finally deciding to take some clonazepam, I was like, do you even like me? Do you even like spending time with me? Because I can’t tell. And long story short, that’s something we’re going to have to work on, because he does like me, of course, and want to be with me, but he’s going to have to learn how to show it in the ways I can FEEL again, because this ain’t working for me right now. And I told him we’re going to need to set aside some evenings for just reconnecting, like going on a walk-and-talk together or stuff like that, where we can just talk, because I feel disconnected from him, just waiting and wondering what the hell is going on. I was upset the other day when his mom was asking him over dinner about some training he’d done that day, and I was completely in the dark on that. So he had obviously told her about it and not me. The woes of living with your SO’s mother, let me tell you. And I was really upset about it and then…. I realized, I had talked on the phone with my own mom for like an hour that same day, and she knew all KINDS of things about my day that my bf has no idea about…. So then it was a little harder to blame him for that oversight. 😉

Anyway. Stay strong. Stay attending the classes. One of these days, I’m going to have to do that OTHER class’s homework — the one I’ve been avoiding because my book didn’t arrived until two days ago and the font hurts my eyes. But the disability center JUST sent me a copy of the whole thing as a PDF, so now I can have my computer read it to me. No more excuses for avoiding it.

…Unless you count that the software that came with it (and is necessary for the class) is for PC only, and I have a Mac… Ah life.

Note to my dear readers: Kindly REFRAIN from leaving any analysis of my relationship with my bf. There is so much more I would write if only I didn’t fear the judgements I sometimes receive on here. Please allow me to document my life here without fear of being told what I’m doing wrong and what you would do differently if you were me. Thank you for understanding!!

Evenings are not so good

It’s only just occurred to me, but evenings are really not so hot. You already know that mornings are killer lately, but I’m going to go out there on a limb and venture that evenings might actually be worse. I’m not sure where “evening” is beginning or ending for me, but somewhere, before I fall asleep at night but definitely after 5 pm, things are getting quite bad.

I’m going to think back, perhaps inaccurately, and state that I’m quite certain ALL urges to cut have been in the evening. All of them.

My psychiatrist has given me a few names of local psych people who might be able to help me. She also contacted my old therapist and got some names from her as well. There is a part of me that wonders if I should try to go back to my old therapist: I did improve so much while seeing her. But she’s so far away, I don’t think I could do it. And she wanted me every week which I started to obsess over financially too much.

I jogged today. It took a circuit breaker blowing out the Internet connection to force me outside. I had been watching these really awesome Accounting lectures online. The last of the setting sun touched my skin as I jogged. I jogged while listening to music this time, for the first time (I don’t always feel safe wearing earbuds in public – like someone is going to sneak up on me or something). It was nice. I felt the best ever on today’s jog — I was able to actually jog for much of the way to the icecream shop and even part of the way back, up the hills, even! It was amazing. I did have to slow for my lungs at some points. By the end, my legs were starting to feel it, but again, it was not so bad. I think I probably could have gone even father this time, but that’s not my goal. I don’t want to increase my distance until I can go there and back without too many walking breaks. It doesn’t matter to me if that is proper jogging goal-making — it’s just a personal goal.

I think I know what’s getting me in the evenings. But I don’t feel okay writing about it in a public space. I have a pretty strong, nagging suspicion now. But I don’t want it to be true. I want to go to therapy and work out everything in myself and have everything external fall into place because of it. … But my nagging suspicion is toward something external, and if that’s the deal, then I’m going to have to make a certain change that I don’t want to make. But this becomes stronger by the day and it’s really sad. It’s so hard to know, because it’s also one of my OCD obsessions, so I don’t know for sure. I definitely need to see a therapist soon though, either way. I’ll try to call one of the options tomorrow.

Tomorrow, the most important thing I can do is study a particular chapter of the Accounting textbook. It’s my last chance before the final, and the professor already stated that a lot of questions will come from this chapter, which I haven’t actually read yet. I did study a lot of older material all day long today, though.