This is not an update

Hi all,

This is not an update. I’m not sure what this is. I just feel a need to write. It’s been quite a while and I’m not sure what to say. There’s a lot going on, probably. Or maybe there’s nothing going on. It’s hard to tell. I’m not depressed, but I’m not relaxed.

It’s probably because I’m still living away from my partner. We talk about him coming to visit me here. But we are pretty strict here with how we treat possible exposure to ‘the virus’. He’d be tested upon flying, and then be in strict quarantine here at the house for at least a week or two until he’s tested again. We wouldn’t encourage breathing the same air until then. It would be a hard time period.

Then, he’s willing to take more risks than we are. He’d probably be going into local bakeries for pastries and such. He does that presently. We don’t do that. We’ve gone into a store at least 8 times in the past half year, but only for some supplies and groceries.

Well, you know. It’ll be what it is, I suppose. I’m just not sure what it is. Part of me can see positives of me returning back to what was my previous life. Part of me would leave where I presently am over my dead body, so to speak. You’ll have to drag me out kicking and screaming. And yet. I had friends and stuff in my previous life. Well, not like REAL friends, except the one. What was his fake name on here? “Joe” or something? The person I used to walk with once a week. He was a real friend. The others were just upbeat acquaintances but that could be so much fun. My Pokemon friends, I suppose I mean. And I had been developing some kind of friendships with people at work, but also not exactly. That is complicated.

Work is really, really, ultra weird. I suppose my paranoia and self-doubt is what’s kicked in, really. I’m pretty convinced everyone hates me. It’s funny to write that out, but I’m dead serious. I wish I could just do my work and not worry about what other people think of me. That would be so nice. It’s worse long-distance, because I don’t get any smiles. Apparently I find smiles really comforting when talking with others. Who knew. Also, nobody asks me how I am. At least in person, people might stop and ask how was my weekend, or whatever. Long-distance, nobody reaches out to me. It’s frustrating. I try to reach out to a couple of people now and again. But it’s so hard. I can’t tell what anyone else is doing. I don’t know what they’re doing! I don’t even know if they’re working half the time. Maybe more than half the time. What are they doing?

If this long-distance was going to go on a long time, I’d want to work elsewhere. I’d want to work for a company that is willing to work on developing a healthy mode of connection online. We suck. It’s so awkward. People don’t even turn on their videos during Zoom meetings, and typically keep their mics turned off, too. Are they even there? Are they listening? Are they working? Are they out driving around in their car, or doing house chores? How can I know? It’s frustrating.

Maybe I don’t like the people there anymore. I did before. Maybe I don’t now. Maybe it’s just a job. Maybe I need to calm down about it and just treat it like a job. Before, I was making it a center piece of my life, hanging out with some of them after work, trying my heart out at work, doing my absolute best at every moment. Not having energy left over for my personal life.

So, you know. Life’s weird. But isn’t that what I always say? Maybe I don’t know what a normal life would look like. Maybe it’s staring me in the face and I think it’s weird.

Well, I’m exercising a bit more finally. And I’m eating pretty well. I’m getting some chores done that I’ve wanted to get done. I guess that’s all I can ask for. I talk with my partner over the phone most every day. I don’t feel that I’m missing anything, other than talking with him and his parents. He doesn’t do things that I wish I could do– like he doesn’t go on hikes or anything, so I don’t have fear of missing out. I get to talk with him over the phone.

I’ve set up a ton of bird feeders. So far we’ve seen seven different types of birds, only 5 of which have used the feeders. And a squirrel, of course. But we love squirrels, so that’s good.

I can’t believe it’s going to be winter soon. The weather has changed.

Corona virus and wanting to go Home

Well, it’s finally gotten to me. The whole virus thing. I’m not even worried about catching the virus, because I’m not in a particularly vulnerable group, so it would probably be like a normal flu for me. I hate flues, but I don’t think I’d be hospitalized or anything like that. But all the same, I want to go Home. I want to be with my parents. I’m tired. Everyone is talking about working remotely for a while. I wish my job didn’t involve the fact that I have to go to the office for certain tasks. But I don’t know how I could do certain things from afar. MOST of my job, I could do from afar. Like 90% of it.

I’d want to go Home in the best of times. But now I’m very stressed. I’m snapping at the people I live with. I’m getting a bit short with people at work when they don’t respond to my questions within 24 hours. And it’s probably because they’re choosing to work remotely at times and I can’t, so I’m jealous.

You know, whatever job I get next, I’m going to make damn well sure that it’s something I could do remotely if push came to shove. I hadn’t PLANNED on going Home yet, but my partner has to stay home for the next month. A lot of places around here have told their workers to work remotely. The trains are bizarrely empty and it’s nice because I get a seat, but it’s also weird. I wonder if I’m the smart one or the stupid one.

My parents are kind of worried. They’re in a vulnerable group. I want to be with them. I am Homesick. If the vision of going there hadn’t entered my head, maybe I wouldn’t be so wistful, but it’s in my head and I want it so badly.

I mean look, if worst came to worst, I could ask for unpaid leave and go there anyway, and leave the company in a lurch. And if they said no, I could quit and walk away, and go Home.

I’m kind of lonely lately. I have been arguing a lot and, like I said, I’ve been very snappy with the people I live with. I don’t feel connected with them right now. Everything they say and how they say it feels alien. They don’t understand me and I don’t understand them. But it’s become so bad, I’m not sure how to get out of it and get back on the same page, at least with my partner.

Oh the things I wish I could say on here.

An update: been okay, yet not tonight

I don’t know why, but I’m super emotional tonight and really upset and I want to stay somewhere else tonight. It’s probably a mutual misunderstanding.

Anyway, things have been pretty great lately. Work is awesome. I’m very lucky.

There’s going to be a change in my family soon. That might be stressing me, although it’s a positive. But it’s also the unknown.

But tonight, I’m full of angst. This morning, I was in tears talking with my partner over the issue not mentioned in the first paragraph (it isn’t about him, but is about something in our living situation). This evening, I’m so angry and so anxious. And I feel so alone and misunderstood. And so. so. so. so alone.

But I’ll feel fine and cheerful once I’m at work again. If I could just stay there all day and night, I’d probably feel a lot more stable. I get so awful on the weekends– that’s always been true for me, in my adult life. I am stable at work, but an emotional wreck at home. And always, always depressed and moody on the weekends.

My lymph nodes are painful tonight. I feel like crying. I won’t be able to sleep because I lost one of my earplugs. Wait, I think I found an extra packet tucked away a few weeks ago. I’m going to go look for it.

Major insomnia

I can’t sleep. I’m too anxious. I’m upset, I’m stressed, I’m disappointed. And I’m sick with a head cold. So I really need to be asleep.

I’m obsessing. I need to let things go. I doubt anyone reads these anymore. I am still not back to it as my obsessive interest, so I haven’t spent time on other people’s blogs (which is not to say I’m disinterested in the people I used to follow; I would like to still know what is up for you, but I cannot read).

I cannot click the links. I cannot spend time. I cannot change my mind from a certain topic; I’m obsessed. I’ve been obsessed for a while but I didn’t mind before; it had healthy benefits before (it still does). But now the unhealthy, life-disrupting aspects are negatively impacting me extremely enough that I can’t stand it. I have to either quit or seriously draw back from it. Restrict my time “for real”. I could uninstall the app.

What would my day be like tomorrow with the app uninstalled? I would wake up (hopefully on the later side, since I’m sick and still awake). I would eat breakfast more calmly (yes, EVEN THOUGH I haven’t caught a shiny flower-headband eevee that was only available for two days and disappears tomorrow afternoon and won’t return for at least a year).

Where was I? Oh yes, I would eat a way calmer breakfast. Then, I will put away the clean dishes and pick up my stuff from around the house (especially everything I have strewn around in the bathroom). Then, I would finish the photo book that is due tomorrow.

Wow, and then it would be time to start on chapter two of my class. It’s strange. My semester doesn’t begin until Friday, yet I have felt like an utter and complete slack-off failure for the past week, since I finished my previous class early.

That’s because I’m unemployed, and I know perfectly damn well that I’m not behaving like a full-time student. I’m behaving like a slack-off no-good leach of … whatever. You get my point. The pressure is there to be productive and make progress. I already took a vacation the week before (for real, I went on a vacation).

I have needed to write here. I already feel about a thousand times better than at any recent point. But there is something about clicking on links that I dislike. Going to website, reading, doing. I don’t know how to explain it. I hate doing almost anything over the Internet. I only read this one chat site (about the game, of course), and watch YouTube videos. Oh, and read my online textbooks. But I hate visiting other websites. I hate trying to figure out where to click, what things mean, how to navigate different sites, etc. I’d much rather take care of business over the telephone. Which is weird, since I hate talking on the phone. But I do most things over the phone, even if there’s a website that would probably take much less time (but it would take so much more brain power and I’d get confused and frustrated and have to read tiny print and find the right buttons to click and all that). Yuck.

I feel different about all of that than I used to. When I was in high school and the first years of college, I felt pretty damn pro at navigating the Internet. EVERYTHING was better online. Now I’ll avoid it whenever I can. It’s just too MUCH.

But then, I used to be really organized with my emails and stuff. Now, conversely, I remain with thousands of unread emails and I only check email every couple of weeks. I used to check a couple of times an hour! Well, it used to match with my obsessiveness and now it doesn’t. All emails used to have a nice little folder I could organize them into and now they don’t. I don’t know if life changed or if it’s mostly been my brain that’s changed.

But thank heavens for this space. I don’t come here often. In large part, there is my fear over how transparent I’ve been. If certainly people read this blog, they would know me instantly. I haven’t been subtle and have shared a lot that I probably shouldn’t have.

I could start a fresh blog again, elsewhere, but I suspect that the same thing would happen. So I don’t really know what I’m doing with this blog. It’s been too revealing, and gives me an opportunity to reveal too much in the future. But it sure helps me a ton in the present.

Anyway, so I have two choices for tomorrow.

  1. I could wake up and be completely obsessive and try as hard as fucking possible for that shiny flower crown eevee. I could forgive myself for taking my last day off before my new semester begins the following day. I could run lures and incense while putting away the dishes and picking up my stuff and eating breakfast. And then, I could go out into the world of obsession and really go all out, finding all of the lured hotspots and going nuts until the event ends in the afternoon.
  2. Or, as I said somewhere in the above paragraphs, I could uninstall the app. I could breathe deeply and calmly. I could eat a peaceful, simple, non-multi-tasked breakfast. I could put away the dishes, pick up my stuff, and still feel calm. I could start reading chapter two (I’m getting a small head start on the next semester).

There’s nothing inbetween. Can you imagine an inbetween? I can’t. I don’t know what that would look like. Get up, eat breakfast, put away dishes, pick up my stuff, all without the app running? But it wouldn’t be calm. It would be anxious and neurotic. I would feel anxiety the entire time, fearing that I was missing out on my last chances of finding that damn, impossible creature.

Then there’s this other aspect of the game that’s stressing me out but I don’t think it’s something that I can share here, since it’s revealing. I wish that I could write about it but I won’t.

It’s interesting. When I’m at my parents’ house, much of the app seems far away. There are still certain things I’m obsessed about, but many things I just let fall away. But when I’m here, I have to try or … or what? Who cares? What difference will it make? One day, this whole thing will be obsolete and none of what I’ve collected will still be with me. None of it. But hopefully the friendships and contacts will somehow remain. I don’t know how many of them could, but I hope they do. New goal: No shinies during events.

Wow. This has been a real relief. I’m going to go pee again, blow my nose, and then attempt sleep.

Personal mental illness day

First of all, my breast lump was a benign, liquid-filled cyst, so that’s good. It’s about half its largest size now, and is not painful anymore. It seems to have stopped getting smaller. They say it can last a couple of months or perhaps get larger and smaller for the rest of time. If it becomes too painful for me to bear again, they can drain it, but said there would be a 3 in 5 chance of it refilling. So I elected not to do so, as it is not presently painful.

Preface before the rest of the post: I’m sick today and yesterday. Lost my voice, kind of a sore throat, totally exhausted. Also, a hint of vertigo and a lot of dissociation / out of body experiences.

Today is a wretched, miserable day and yet it didn’t begin that way. It was a perfectly happy morning. Yesterday was difficult. I don’t know what except that I lost my voice and felt EXHAUSTED. So I might be having allergies, flu, and something else as well. Because now my own mental processes have kicked in and my negative thoughts have been spiraling out of control. And since I haven’t had any private time until this instant, which I had to force, I have been feeling blind and like I am swinging around an ax to get people to give me space.

Loosely translated, what I mean is that my partner and I have had some negative exchanges today. It actually got REALLY bad for a while. But come on, I wanted to be left alone and you just wouldn’t. I was already in tears.

Oh well. I am tired. I don’t know if I have a flu or not. Certainly my throat is sore but that could be allergies. Certainly I’m exhausted beyond words. But I wish so much that you would just see when I am sick and not take it all out of control and make it all like we still have to have this serious conversation THIS INSTANT but that I will take like 4 or 5 days to recover and then we can have the conversation. Instead of hurting me and basically forcing me to hurt you, too, because I’m backed into a corner with no other way but to grit my teeth and cry and say shit to get through. Ridiculous. This can’t happen ever again.

So not okay.

So I’ve had like an hour of ALONE time now and that has been a relief. I’m going to take some anxiety medicine, just in case there’s a mental illness element to this yuckiness.

 

A brief update

Wow. I’m here. It’s been a really long time. For over two months, recently, I had a different computer and it wouldn’t load WordPress. So that’s part of it.

Some things have changed big time. Some things have not changed, at least on the outside. But I have changed on the inside.

It would be nice if I could use this space to keep my thoughts organized this time. I know it isn’t realistic; some parts of me seem static, like my cycling interests which control where I am able to focus on any given day(week)[month]. No matter how much I wish that I could keep to one thing each and every day of a year, it just doesn’t seem possible.

But, regardless, part of what changed in the past couple of months has affected me deeply. I feel very different inside. It has rippled out into some changes in behavior that I am keeping strong each day, in the hopes of them becoming habits.

For example, food. Before my motivation wanes and exhaustion sets in again, I am fostering better habits. I am keeping certain foods on hand that can always been easily consumed (eg. carrots, pre-washed spinach, potatoes, broccoli, bananas). I am spending some time at least every couple of days to prepare some food. For example, tomorrow I am cooking a spaghetti squash. I have made tacos. I’ve had canned soup. I made two veggie pizzas that I cut up and put in the freezer for future days.

Portions. I’m being conscious of portion sizes. Even though I hate watching my share get eaten by others, I can either take my whole portion and set half aside for future days right away, or allow my remaining share to go to others and feel happy with myself about it, not envious.

Going to bed. I am going to bed at a decent hour every night. I will continue to do this.

I’m going elsewhere to study. I am nearly all packed for tomorrow, where I will go to a library for most of the day in order to focus on my current class. I just need to finish with this computer and pack it away. Tomorrow morning, I’ll pack up some carrots, apple slices, and perhaps a PBj for lunch.

I have to go.

Time flies

Man, time has really flown by. After my previous, ultra negative post, I started watching lectures by a motivation speaker. I forget his name right now. It did wonders for me. I felt way better right away.

School:
I’m behind with schoolwork. Not I’m-about-to-be-expelled behind but like, I need to do nothing but study for the next 2 weeks to get through this class in time. My ADD isn’t allowing me to do that, though. This particular textbook is extremely dry and even reading 2 pages is incredibly tough and can take hours.

Upcoming Travel:
I’m going to be out of town for a week, starting in like less than 48 hours. It’s kind of nuts. I’m not packed. It shouldn’t be too hard to pack for this with one, large exception: I don’t have enough medication and I still haven’t switched doctors which means that I have to call the clinic that I hate so much. They’re really, really mean and short and never, ever, not once have gotten my prescription request correct. I have been procrastinating calling them all morning so far. Hours.

Pokémon Go:
I’m still an addict. (I had deleted the app for only about 5 days or something; it had not helped me focus any better w/o it and in fact I hardly exercised at all during that time.) I consider so many of these people to be friends. I wonder if they feel the same way — I always suspect that most people aside from me have “real” friends elsewhere. I do have one friend, that one I walk with every Monday. Then I have another friend back near my parents, although we only speak about once a year. Aside from that, these Poké people have, for me, become my real friends! I miss them when they travel; I’ll miss them when I’m out of town next week.

Okay, I called the pharmacy and had them fax the doctor for the current (wrong) prescription so I won’t have to talk to the clinic. Someday, I do need to get them to fix the prescription to have the right quantity but until then. Ugh. I really need to find a new doctor instead. I still have to contact one other doctor for a prescription, but that person is nice, at least.

Then, I need to pack. THEN study. Then, only if there is truly time, I do have a Mewtwo raid later in the day. 😛 I doubt I will make it, however.

Weaning off Lexapro: Days 125 – 136

I have been and am still on Lexapro 5 mg. I will not be reducing any more any time soon. So I won’t be continuing these type of entries after this, unless my dose changes.

I am on the 5 mg, after having been on 20 mg for like 12 years straight. My emotions and perceptions of the world around me are all over the place. In nearly every aspect of life, I am torn.

It’s impossible for me to know at this moment if indeed all of these parts of my life actually need to change, or if the angst and unrest I’m experiencing is a direct result of the decrease in Lexapro. I could make these changes and tear apart my current life. Or I could increase my Lexapro dose. Or I could do a little bit of both. But at this exact moment in time, I cannot know which is the most “correct” choice.

The past weekend was terrible. I was avoiding studying for a Final exam and I failed the pre-assessment. But all of the terror and hopeless that I was feeling inside, I didn’t attribute properly to the schoolwork. I attributed it everywhere else around me and I hurt my boyfriend and I hurt our relationship pretty severely.

When I was Home recently, it felt right. I wanted to stay forever. But if I broke up with my boyfriend and moved back Home, I’m sure I’d be full of anxiety and feel very dark and depressed. I’m sure that I would feel very scared and as though I’d shut a door to a very large world. I’m sure that for a long time, things would feel without purpose, shallow, and hopeless.

I pay [irrelevant] a month. I flip between that seeming like a small amount and an impossibly large amount. I am unemployed. So that money is basically coming from old savings– mostly money from my now-deceased grandparents.

But, many people go into debt for an education. That is socially acceptable and “normal”. ((All irrelevant.))

Logically, I realize other people’s wealth is irrelevant. I made the CHOICE to quit my below-minimum-wage-tutoring job to focus entirely on school. Of COURSE that means paying out of savings for a couple of years (kiss the old money goodbye; I wasn’t very good at Math).

I’m considering reapplying for the tutoring job. They’ve increased the wage to minimum wage now. I’m sure I could get in a few hours a week. It would be really hard because the bus route is not fast, and I can’t have the job unless I’m also taking classes there. So I’d be really splitting up my time to make a tiny amount of money. But it would also be giving me back my self-esteem. I felt good when tutoring people. And it would be good for me to have a set schedule.

My boyfriend and I are thinking of moving. I don’t know if it will help us or not. But I think that we need to feel more like independent adults again. And I hope we can find a place that shortens both of our commutes. But the cost will go up. We pay [irrelevant] rent right now but I don’t think we could find anything that low anywhere near here.

Yep, there is that wave of hopelessness. I just pictured how much effort and energy I will be putting into tutoring and how very, very little money I’ll be making and how it will all be going to rent. I know, this is reality for many people. Maximum effort to not even stay afloat.

I could go back to my parents. I’d be on such a good schedule there. I’d feel so much more at peace there. I’d be with my dog, who has congestive heart failure but is responding well to his medications. Up there, I could get a part-time job again and study. It’s all easier there.

I don’t want to go to couples therapy this week. I’m afraid of what we’ll talk about. And I don’t know my own mind on so many of the topics.

For now, I need to stop thinking. I need to focus on studying today. I deleted my beloved Pokémon Go app. If I could just delete the thoughts from my head… I need to get through a lot of readings and practice problems today.

Weaning off Lexapro: Days 89 – 124

Scraggly trees and a dark sunset with interestingly patterned clouds

Sunset through a pattern of gray clouds

Meds:

  • 5 mg Lexapro, normal thyroid meds
  • Vitamins if I remember (maybe a couple of times a week)
  • Exercise (walking, bicycling, skiing)

Symptoms:

  • ANGST
  • Irritability only with certain people (such as my bf)
  • Insomnia now that I’m back home
  • Longing
  • Feeling that something BIG is going to happen soon (CHANGE)
  • Confused. Torn. Mixed up.

Journal Items:

  • There’s no way for me to remember and write what has passed.
  • But I did go to my parents’ house. And spent time with my beloved, beloved dog, who has heart failure now. He’s living on borrowed time thanks to responding well to medicines. Every day he’s with us has always been and will remain a gift.
  • My dad’s going to turn 70? What? How?
  • Practicing music
  • Studying for class
  • Walking, very short walks with my dog, and longer walks with my mom
  • Skiing with my folks, and my bf when he came

The mountains, the snow, the smells, the sounds. The fresh air, the cold wind. The gravel, I could roll around in it and never get enough.

I miss it all so much. My heart stayed there. I’m a split person as I have been the whole time, but it’s more obvious right now. I’m dissociating mildly here right now. I’m not connected to this place. I don’t like living here.

But life is complicated and I have to let it slide in this moment of time. I believe the reduction of Lexapro from 20mg to 5mg has really made a large difference in me. I *feel* more like I used to feel, so long ago (I’ve been on Lexapro for over a decade). But that doesn’t mesh well with what’s around me today. I believe that the Lexapro put a bubble around me and I was okay with things I would never have been okay with before. It might reach back far enough to say that I wouldn’t have been married in the first place if I hadn’t been on Lexapro and had such drug-thickened skin. Life is weird.

LIFE IS REALLY, REALLY WEIRD!!!

I’m listening to this song all day today:
https://youtu.be/djEg4O3b2IU