I cleared up some poor wording and added a lot of new content. I updated it again today (Nov 1):
I woke up this morning with a major flare up of my OCD. I was in bad shape. My thought loop couldn’t be broken and it was about my old obsession, which I have written about here once, somewhere. (Not that the post does it justice.)
Probable Causes for the Current Worsening:
- I’ve been a little under the weather for the past few days. I’ve had symptoms like dissociation, which always freaks me the fuck out, since I used to dissociate 24/7 for a couple of years with no hope of ever recovering (which I mostly did, though).
- I have a disc that I would like to access in order to lift off photos of my dog, but it happens to be labeled as containing old emails I wrote to [person of my obsession] and my therapist at the time. I haven’t brought myself to open the disc, yet, although I desperately want those dog photos.
- In the past week and a half, I have had a couple of dreams which have become a routine — a few times a year, I get basically the same dream. [Person of my obsession] has, after so many, many years, agreed to meet with me at a public cafe, and have a conversation with me about what happened, so that I can have closure. Sometimes these dreams end up with him agreeing to meet me once every couple of weeks, and always he is disinterested in my company and disappears. But that part isn’t the distressing part. It’s the fact that he’s agreed to meet with me in the first place. It’s so real. There’s so much hope. This happens several times a year (regardless of whether I was on the 20 mg Lexapro or the current 5 mg).
- Because of feeling under the weather, my boyfriend and I had a conversation that went badly and I felt untrusting toward him. Whenever I lose trust in a person I’m supposed to be close with, I remember [person of my obsession]. Because I trusted him completely, 100%, as I have not done since then toward any human. Any. Human. And frankly, will probably never do again.
Anyway. I let myself give in to my obsession this morning. I opened up Facebook, which I don’t use anymore. But I did. I contacted one of his best friends. I said, basically, that I am having a really hard time with my OCD right now but it looks like it’s been 7 years since I’ve written to you so that’s pretty good.” He doesn’t know the story, he doesn’t know what’s bothering me, he doesn’t know why I wrote to him 7 years ago, either. Thank god I have a buffer, but it’s still bad that I broke down that way this morning. He was kind in his response. It’s a person I’ve known since elementary school yet we don’t keep in touch (and I’m not sure this is considered keeping in touch, either).
This is a friendly reminder to CHECK YOUR BREASTS for lumps!!! Yeah. You’ve done it for years and never found anything abnormal so you may have gotten lazy, like me. Do it. Go do it right now and then continue to do it regularly so you know what your normal feels like and can detect slight changes.
Otherwise, you might be like me, who hasn’t really gotten around to self-checking in a couple of years and also may not have had an appointment with a gynecologist in the same amount of time. So my breasts have been ignored for a couple of years, which didn’t seem like a big deal since nothing had ever been unusual with them.
Until Friday evening, when suddenly I felt a pain as if I’d been punched in the breast (one side). It hurt so badly. I felt the area and there’s a hard lump there about the size of a kiwi or an egg. Well who is open on a Friday night? (No one.)
On Saturday, I went to the Urgent Care. They were all booked up for the day, so they transferred me to another Urgent Care. That doctor said I needed a mammogram ASAP. By this point, it was excruciatingly painful. I couldn’t raise my arm on that side. Going up and down stairs was quite painful. Touching the area was way too painful. I have to be gentle when walking, even on flat surfaces.
But, the mammogram places all around the city are booked solid. It doesn’t matter if you’re walking around with an extremely painful lump the size of an extra large egg in your breast. I have an appointment scheduled for a few days in the future and in spite of calling around all morning today, that is still the best I’ve found.
Now, I’m not saying it’s cancer. The doctor thought that the way the lump moves is more like a cyst. But there’s only one way to find out for sure.
So this is your friendly PSA: Follow through on routine breast-lump self-checks. Do it. Because if I had noticed this gigantic lump when it was slightly less gigantic, I’d have saved myself a lot of pain! I recommend it.
I highly recommend buying ear protection if you have any noise sensitivity. I don’t know what they’re called. They look like giant headphones but they’re for things like shooting ranges. I wear them all the time now. I wear them on the bus, I wear them when washing dishes, I wear them when vacuuming. I wear them when studying and it increases my focus by about a million (but the starting bar was pretty low).
The only issue that I experience is when removing them. Sometimes I get seriously cranky and I just want everyone around me to whisper. Why is life so loud and painful?
These ear protection headphone things don’t block everything out. I’m not listening to silence. It just dims everything way, way down. It’s heavenly.
I’m having some trouble with depression. I don’t know when it started. It’s possible it started an hour ago. Or maybe a month ago. Or maybe years ago.
I’ve been anxious. That seems pretty irrelevant and I don’t want to talk about it, but it’s probably pretty important. Especially since it contributed to some sleepless nights.
I wish I could share the reason for my anxiety on here but I can’t because this is public.
I had an emergency session with my psychiatrist. She gave me some interesting suggestions for how to deal with my OCD next week. She gave me a very expert place to go when I return, but that won’t be in time.
I “should” be so happy. If I had six months before this trip, it could be nothing but bliss. But I’m traveling on very short notice and the tasks will be difficult. And I’m very afraid of something I cannot tell you.
I have a pretty bad yeast infection. I didn’t see a doctor, but I know. It’s causing a lot of pain.
My bf and I didn’t get along tonight and it wasn’t even my fault this time. Usually it’s me being crabby but this time it was him. I left the room quickly because I hadn’t come to argue. I was excited about sharing with him how I’d fixed the doorknobs today. I don’t know what went wrong, but it makes it kind of hard to breathe. Kind of bleak and gray and hopeless.
It’s entirely possible he and I aren’t a good match and won’t last much longer. But I want to get my shit together before I were to try and start a new life again. Then there are days when it seems like things are smooth here. Who knows. I can only say, “I need help” so many times before the phrase becomes pointless.
Anyway, I don’t have the money. School is going smoothly but I need a job. My money goes faster than I had projected.
I will be so happy once I’m there. I am supposed to spend an hour a day imagining getting rid of my belongings and feeling calm. I need to go.
Ever since my thyroid dose was lowered, I’ve had a lot of trouble with my irritability. I can go from happy-happy-happy to anger in about a split nano second. Unfortunately, once I’m angry, it LASTS.
It’s incredible the flood of anxiety I feel when people begin to argue.
These two people do not shout. These two people do not throw things. These two people do not hurt animals. These two people do not give each other the silent treatment later or love each other any less tomorrow.
But they do get intense with their voices. One of them is forceful and the voice raises, not in volume but in pitch. The other gets forceful and uses “YOU” statements that I find very rude. “YOU” are not listening. “YOU” have switched what you are arguing.
These arguments always end peacefully and they love each other the same immediately after. For them, the effects are null. They argue. They debate. It’s part of what they do. Frankly, I would go so far as to say it is part of who they are as people.
But for me, the effects are longer lasting. I will be afraid of them for days. It was not directed at me; nobody is arguing or debating with me. I have already put in my noise-isolating headphones and escaped up the stairs. I have already blared music directly into my earbuds.
But the flooding of anxiety is so strong and so immediate. It’s an emergency for me, when two people argue. It is danger. It is red alert. It is unpredictable and unsafe.
They will not hurt me. The worst either of them could do to me, based on who they are and what I have seen, is to use an insulting tone of voice and say “YOU” don’t understand what I am trying to say. Or something like that. That’s the worst I’ve seen or heard from them.
But my body goes straight to fear. My body says, the monsters have surrounded me. I am prepared to run. I am prepared to hide. I am prepared to face the streets in the dark at night amongst strangers. I am prepared to kill to protect myself.
My intestines prepare to evacuate immediately. I need to run. Outdoors. I need to be one speck in an infinite darkness, alone. Unknown. Safer.
Instead, I am trying to prep for bed. I brushed my teeth. I’m listening to my music, blaring into my ears. I can hear the voices. They are calm but still firm. It’s only a difference of opinion and grilling over various scientific studies to prove one side or the other. My shoes and coat were already on (because me and one of them were about to go on a very short walk). I am ready; I want to run. I could take anxiety medicine that will help me sleep. It’s been 30 minutes, right? I could take off my shoes and coat without offending. … Or I could slip past and go on a jog into the darkness.