Major insomnia

I can’t sleep. I’m too anxious. I’m upset, I’m stressed, I’m disappointed. And I’m sick with a head cold. So I really need to be asleep.

I’m obsessing. I need to let things go. I doubt anyone reads these anymore. I am still not back to it as my obsessive interest, so I haven’t spent time on other people’s blogs (which is not to say I’m disinterested in the people I used to follow; I would like to still know what is up for you, but I cannot read).

I cannot click the links. I cannot spend time. I cannot change my mind from a certain topic; I’m obsessed. I’ve been obsessed for a while but I didn’t mind before; it had healthy benefits before (it still does). But now the unhealthy, life-disrupting aspects are negatively impacting me extremely enough that I can’t stand it. I have to either quit or seriously draw back from it. Restrict my time “for real”. I could uninstall the app.

What would my day be like tomorrow with the app uninstalled? I would wake up (hopefully on the later side, since I’m sick and still awake). I would eat breakfast more calmly (yes, EVEN THOUGH I haven’t caught a shiny flower-headband eevee that was only available for two days and disappears tomorrow afternoon and won’t return for at least a year).

Where was I? Oh yes, I would eat a way calmer breakfast. Then, I will put away the clean dishes and pick up my stuff from around the house (especially everything I have strewn around in the bathroom). Then, I would finish the photo book that is due tomorrow.

Wow, and then it would be time to start on chapter two of my class. It’s strange. My semester doesn’t begin until Friday, yet I have felt like an utter and complete slack-off failure for the past week, since I finished my previous class early.

That’s because I’m unemployed, and I know perfectly damn well that I’m not behaving like a full-time student. I’m behaving like a slack-off no-good leach of … whatever. You get my point. The pressure is there to be productive and make progress. I already took a vacation the week before (for real, I went on a vacation).

I have needed to write here. I already feel about a thousand times better than at any recent point. But there is something about clicking on links that I dislike. Going to website, reading, doing. I don’t know how to explain it. I hate doing almost anything over the Internet. I only read this one chat site (about the game, of course), and watch YouTube videos. Oh, and read my online textbooks. But I hate visiting other websites. I hate trying to figure out where to click, what things mean, how to navigate different sites, etc. I’d much rather take care of business over the telephone. Which is weird, since I hate talking on the phone. But I do most things over the phone, even if there’s a website that would probably take much less time (but it would take so much more brain power and I’d get confused and frustrated and have to read tiny print and find the right buttons to click and all that). Yuck.

I feel different about all of that than I used to. When I was in high school and the first years of college, I felt pretty damn pro at navigating the Internet. EVERYTHING was better online. Now I’ll avoid it whenever I can. It’s just too MUCH.

But then, I used to be really organized with my emails and stuff. Now, conversely, I remain with thousands of unread emails and I only check email every couple of weeks. I used to check a couple of times an hour! Well, it used to match with my obsessiveness and now it doesn’t. All emails used to have a nice little folder I could organize them into and now they don’t. I don’t know if life changed or if it’s mostly been my brain that’s changed.

But thank heavens for this space. I don’t come here often. In large part, there is my fear over how transparent I’ve been. If certainly people read this blog, they would know me instantly. I haven’t been subtle and have shared a lot that I probably shouldn’t have.

I could start a fresh blog again, elsewhere, but I suspect that the same thing would happen. So I don’t really know what I’m doing with this blog. It’s been too revealing, and gives me an opportunity to reveal too much in the future. But it sure helps me a ton in the present.

Anyway, so I have two choices for tomorrow.

  1. I could wake up and be completely obsessive and try as hard as fucking possible for that shiny flower crown eevee. I could forgive myself for taking my last day off before my new semester begins the following day. I could run lures and incense while putting away the dishes and picking up my stuff and eating breakfast. And then, I could go out into the world of obsession and really go all out, finding all of the lured hotspots and going nuts until the event ends in the afternoon.
  2. Or, as I said somewhere in the above paragraphs, I could uninstall the app. I could breathe deeply and calmly. I could eat a peaceful, simple, non-multi-tasked breakfast. I could put away the dishes, pick up my stuff, and still feel calm. I could start reading chapter two (I’m getting a small head start on the next semester).

There’s nothing inbetween. Can you imagine an inbetween? I can’t. I don’t know what that would look like. Get up, eat breakfast, put away dishes, pick up my stuff, all without the app running? But it wouldn’t be calm. It would be anxious and neurotic. I would feel anxiety the entire time, fearing that I was missing out on my last chances of finding that damn, impossible creature.

Then there’s this other aspect of the game that’s stressing me out but I don’t think it’s something that I can share here, since it’s revealing. I wish that I could write about it but I won’t.

It’s interesting. When I’m at my parents’ house, much of the app seems far away. There are still certain things I’m obsessed about, but many things I just let fall away. But when I’m here, I have to try or … or what? Who cares? What difference will it make? One day, this whole thing will be obsolete and none of what I’ve collected will still be with me. None of it. But hopefully the friendships and contacts will somehow remain. I don’t know how many of them could, but I hope they do. New goal: No shinies during events.

Wow. This has been a real relief. I’m going to go pee again, blow my nose, and then attempt sleep.

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OCD Run Wild

I woke up this morning with a major flare up of my OCD. I was in bad shape. My thought loop couldn’t be broken and it was about my old obsession, which I have written about here once, somewhere. (Not that the post does it justice.)

Probable Causes for the Current Worsening:

  1. I’ve been a little under the weather for the past few days. I’ve had symptoms like dissociation, which always freaks me the fuck out, since I used to dissociate 24/7 for a couple of years with no hope of ever recovering (which I mostly did, though).
  2. I have a disc that I would like to access in order to lift off photos of my dog, but it happens to be labeled as containing old emails I wrote to [person of my obsession] and my therapist at the time. I haven’t brought myself to open the disc, yet, although I desperately want those dog photos.
  3. In the past week and a half, I have had a couple of dreams which have become a routine — a few times a year, I get basically the same dream. [Person of my obsession] has, after so many, many years, agreed to meet with me at a public cafe, and have a conversation with me about what happened, so that I can have closure. Sometimes these dreams end up with him agreeing to meet me once every couple of weeks, and always he is disinterested in my company and disappears. But that part isn’t the distressing part. It’s the fact that he’s agreed to meet with me in the first place. It’s so real. There’s so much hope. This happens several times a year (regardless of whether I was on the 20 mg Lexapro or the current 5 mg).
  4. Because of feeling under the weather, my boyfriend and I had a conversation that went badly and I felt untrusting toward him. Whenever I lose trust in a person I’m supposed to be close with, I remember [person of my obsession]. Because I trusted him completely, 100%, as I have not done since then toward any human. Any. Human. And frankly, will probably never do again.

Anyway. I let myself give in to my obsession this morning. I opened up Facebook, which I don’t use anymore. But I did. I contacted one of his best friends. I said, basically, that I am having a really hard time with my OCD right now but it looks like it’s been 7 years since I’ve written to you so that’s pretty good.” He doesn’t know the story, he doesn’t know what’s bothering me, he doesn’t know why I wrote to him 7 years ago, either. Thank god I have a buffer, but it’s still bad that I broke down that way this morning. He was kind in his response. It’s a person I’ve known since elementary school yet we don’t keep in touch (and I’m not sure this is considered keeping in touch, either).

Personal mental illness day

First of all, my breast lump was a benign, liquid-filled cyst, so that’s good. It’s about half its largest size now, and is not painful anymore. It seems to have stopped getting smaller. They say it can last a couple of months or perhaps get larger and smaller for the rest of time. If it becomes too painful for me to bear again, they can drain it, but said there would be a 3 in 5 chance of it refilling. So I elected not to do so, as it is not presently painful.

Preface before the rest of the post: I’m sick today and yesterday. Lost my voice, kind of a sore throat, totally exhausted. Also, a hint of vertigo and a lot of dissociation / out of body experiences.

Today is a wretched, miserable day and yet it didn’t begin that way. It was a perfectly happy morning. Yesterday was difficult. I don’t know what except that I lost my voice and felt EXHAUSTED. So I might be having allergies, flu, and something else as well. Because now my own mental processes have kicked in and my negative thoughts have been spiraling out of control. And since I haven’t had any private time until this instant, which I had to force, I have been feeling blind and like I am swinging around an ax to get people to give me space.

Loosely translated, what I mean is that my partner and I have had some negative exchanges today. It actually got REALLY bad for a while. But come on, I wanted to be left alone and you just wouldn’t. I was already in tears.

Oh well. I am tired. I don’t know if I have a flu or not. Certainly my throat is sore but that could be allergies. Certainly I’m exhausted beyond words. But I wish so much that you would just see when I am sick and not take it all out of control and make it all like we still have to have this serious conversation THIS INSTANT but that I will take like 4 or 5 days to recover and then we can have the conversation. Instead of hurting me and basically forcing me to hurt you, too, because I’m backed into a corner with no other way but to grit my teeth and cry and say shit to get through. Ridiculous. This can’t happen ever again.

So not okay.

So I’ve had like an hour of ALONE time now and that has been a relief. I’m going to take some anxiety medicine, just in case there’s a mental illness element to this yuckiness.

 

PSA: Check your breasts!

This is a friendly reminder to CHECK YOUR BREASTS for lumps!!! Yeah. You’ve done it for years and never found anything abnormal so you may have gotten lazy, like me. Do it. Go do it right now and then continue to do it regularly so you know what your normal feels like and can detect slight changes.

Otherwise, you might be like me, who hasn’t really gotten around to self-checking in a couple of years and also may not have had an appointment with a gynecologist in the same amount of time. So my breasts have been ignored for a couple of years, which didn’t seem like a big deal since nothing had ever been unusual with them.

Until Friday evening, when suddenly I felt a pain as if I’d been punched in the breast (one side). It hurt so badly. I felt the area and there’s a hard lump there about the size of a kiwi or an egg. Well who is open on a Friday night? (No one.)

On Saturday, I went to the Urgent Care. They were all booked up for the day, so they transferred me to another Urgent Care. That doctor said I needed a mammogram ASAP. By this point, it was excruciatingly painful. I couldn’t raise my arm on that side. Going up and down stairs was quite painful. Touching the area was way too painful. I have to be gentle when walking, even on flat surfaces.

But, the mammogram places all around the city are booked solid. It doesn’t matter if you’re walking around with an extremely painful lump the size of an extra large egg in your breast. I have an appointment scheduled for a few days in the future and in spite of calling around all morning today, that is still the best I’ve found.

Now, I’m not saying it’s cancer. The doctor thought that the way the lump moves is more like a cyst. But there’s only one way to find out for sure.

So this is your friendly PSA: Follow through on routine breast-lump self-checks. Do it. Because if I had noticed this gigantic lump when it was slightly less gigantic, I’d have saved myself a lot of pain! I recommend it.

A brief update

Wow. I’m here. It’s been a really long time. For over two months, recently, I had a different computer and it wouldn’t load WordPress. So that’s part of it.

Some things have changed big time. Some things have not changed, at least on the outside. But I have changed on the inside.

It would be nice if I could use this space to keep my thoughts organized this time. I know it isn’t realistic; some parts of me seem static, like my cycling interests which control where I am able to focus on any given day(week)[month]. No matter how much I wish that I could keep to one thing each and every day of a year, it just doesn’t seem possible.

But, regardless, part of what changed in the past couple of months has affected me deeply. I feel very different inside. It has rippled out into some changes in behavior that I am keeping strong each day, in the hopes of them becoming habits.

For example, food. Before my motivation wanes and exhaustion sets in again, I am fostering better habits. I am keeping certain foods on hand that can always been easily consumed (eg. carrots, pre-washed spinach, potatoes, broccoli, bananas). I am spending some time at least every couple of days to prepare some food. For example, tomorrow I am cooking a spaghetti squash. I have made tacos. I’ve had canned soup. I made two veggie pizzas that I cut up and put in the freezer for future days.

Portions. I’m being conscious of portion sizes. Even though I hate watching my share get eaten by others, I can either take my whole portion and set half aside for future days right away, or allow my remaining share to go to others and feel happy with myself about it, not envious.

Going to bed. I am going to bed at a decent hour every night. I will continue to do this.

I’m going elsewhere to study. I am nearly all packed for tomorrow, where I will go to a library for most of the day in order to focus on my current class. I just need to finish with this computer and pack it away. Tomorrow morning, I’ll pack up some carrots, apple slices, and perhaps a PBj for lunch.

I have to go.