As ever, there is something off.
In one forced smile and laughter that hits the wall and falls like a brick.
Judgement and judgement
You are doing it all wrong! Why don’t you research before you do that?! Don’t you understand the health at stake?!
Voice straining. I’m shouting to your deaf ears.
And gesticulating in large loops and dramatic movements.
In one rush of smoke and air hot enough to scald, I pull back my hair and roll up my sleeves.
I breathe smoke in and explode fire from my lungs.
But really? A dark, snuggly, soft pit of despair would be my rest stop.
Tuck me in amongst the rocks and debris, sticks knotted in my hair.
Muddy tracks leading through the dust on my cheeks, from my eyes.
I want you HURT. You DESERVE IT.
i want comfort, and swaddling, love, peace, acceptance, understanding.
I WISH I HAD WORDS
I’D DESCRIBE THE FEAR
BUT YOU WEREN’T THERE
you’ll never understand
in this, i am alone
with no proof now
my palms are empty
not one grain of sand left to fall
just a memory
and vocal cords that can speak and sing
and fingers with which to type
and a hand with which to draw
it would take a great deal of time and tearing open of old scars
to explain this to you
I don’t want to be apart from those I love
Homesickness comes in waves
They spread in and expand
The foam pops and crackles.
I don’t want to live away from those I love
I MISS you. I’ve been missing you too much
The feeling has been hard to bear.
To clarify, I’ve been on an emotional
Which gradually inched its way uphill
But fell from the track, straight down
But now you’ve tripped
Getting stitches in your swollen lip
And a CAT scan of your head
And few memories,
And I’m so far away.
I can’t give you a hug.
I can’t spend my every minute of every hour with you.
I want to be with you both again.
Fear reverberates through my bones
An old déjà vu tugs its way toward me.
A feeling. A taste. A sound.
So familiar and yet…
Through soft air and dying leaves, I fall
Spiraling down toward the earth
To cover it in a downy white blanket.
Where is this?
Who am I?
Is this hunger?
Will I claw my eyes from their sockets to escape this feeling?
I can’t be here, not after so many years and countries have passed.
The blood runs shallow beneath my skin.
Be careful. The ice is thin and rotten
and nobody will hear your vocalizations
Your cry for help.
It’s hopeless to compete against you.
I’ve lost my nitch.
Where I belong.
I’m doing well, I’m busy, I’m succeeding.
But where’s the “me” in this?
Do I make time to write? Or photograph (yes)? Draw? Paint? Read? Play music for fun?
It’s been years and the walls are white.
My smile has faded.
Or is fake.
My friends are far away and non-existant.
My folks and my pets live in a bubble too far for me to reach
And surrounded by a field of thorns too thick to breach.
I’m low on energy. I’m low on tolerance. I’m low on income and high on output.
If it comes from the heart,
There must be some truth.
Surely, there must be some truth.
If it comes from the heart,
It must hold some meaning.
Surely, there is some meaning.
Let there be an opening
From which the liquid can escape.
Let the blister split
Surely, if it comes from the heart,
There will be healing.
Words elude me
When it’s most important
There is nothing to say
When I must say something.
You do not speak for me
And I must speak for myself
And stand tall
And don’t waiver.
It would be nice to know
My own mind
My own strengths
My own goals.
It would be nice to accomplish
What I want to accomplish
Which is what?
No words. No idea. Just the vague,
When something is wrong and it’s my turn and the ball’s in my court.
It’s my moment. The spotlight’s on me.
How will I use this next moment…?