Poem: Déjà Vu

Fear reverberates through my bones
An old déjà vu tugs its way toward me.

A feeling. A taste. A sound.
So familiar and yet…

Through soft air and dying leaves, I fall
Spiraling down toward the earth
To cover it in a downy white blanket.

Where is this?
Who am I?



 

Is this hunger?
Will I claw my eyes from their sockets to escape this feeling?
I can’t be here, not after so many years and countries have passed.
The blood runs shallow beneath my skin.

Be careful. The ice is thin and rotten
and nobody will hear your vocalizations
your desperation
Your cry for help.

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Ponies and such

It’s hard to look into the eye of a life change that already happened without you acknowledging it. I moved away a couple of years ago and left my pony behind out of necessity. It’s becoming more “real” that she won’t be mine and I’ve been feeling completely numb and irritable for the past few days.

It’s a GOOD thing for my pony; the lady who wants her is very dominant– exactly what my pony needs in order to listen and stay safe. They’re both full of energy. It should be a good fit. But it’s hard. I’m selfish and “want” this horse to be mine forever. I’ve had her for a very long time. She was still pretty young when I first got her; now she is at least 11.

But it’s the giving up of the horse world. I wonder if I resent that I got involved with a human that isn’t into horses and doesn’t want to live with them on his property. In a past life, I would have found that unacceptable. Now, year by year my old life slips away.

I’m in a city and there are things about that that I like. I like that there are always people around, and their energy. I like all the street lights and people and in some ways, I feel safer in this environment than I ever did alone in the woods.

But at the same time, I don’t feel like I’m home and I don’t expect to live in a city forever. Home is where the horses are. Home is where the mountains are. Home is where the forests are.

I don’t know if I’ll ever make it back home. But I am telling myself that I want to stay here until I get this Accounting degree. AFTER that, I will be free to leave. AFTER it, I will be free to find a horsey place and breathe them and hear them and feel their steps around me. I’ll have a dog again (maybe foster dogs). I will make this happen AFTER I get a degree. It should take 2 or 3 more years.

This is life and I must remember to breathe and enjoy the scents here. There are trees around. There is sometimes a very strong sun and warmth on my face. I might feel lonely at times, but I’m certainly never alone here. It’s strange to me that there isn’t a single horse barn in the city. Not a single one. I guess real estate in populated areas would make it unaffordable, since horses need a lot of room. But it’s too bad. Wouldn’t people pay a bundle for carriage rides through parks?

If this is all there is to life, it will be okay. I am getting outside to walk a lot now (thanks to Pokémon Go– which will certainly cause some of you to pull back with some disdain). It’s also got my out and bicycling quite a bit. I’m getting lots of outdoor exercise. What more could I want from life? (Other than to go back to my old-old life, with my parents and my dog, and my pony at the first barn, and gardening and painting and writing and drawing and watching “The Dog Whisperer”…) Funny that the time I’d look back on as my favorite was from a couple of years after my failure at college, and after my Asperger diagnosis, just chilling with my folks, working parttime (at a high-paying job that was very difficult for me) and taking care of my animals and plants. THAT was LIFE.

So I am doing a little bit of “life” right now, with the outdoor exercising. I drew a picture the other day. I knit a tiny bit yesterday (first time in years). But I’m so, so numb right now. Hopefully it will pass quickly. I do need to solidify the transfer of ownership of my pony, however.

Education

It’s come time for me to decide what on Earth I’m doing. You know that all I really want to do is help animals. I fairly randomly chose “Accounting” as the method to do this, because of my allergies to all animals and also low natural dominance that makes working with more dominant animals very hard for me.

I’ve done the year of Accounting. That means I will have my little, hardly-meaningful certificate soon. I say hardly meaningful because it isn’t like full-blown accounting. It would mean I could get low level bookkeeping jobs now.

What I really like is CARING for animals. I don’t have the dominance to be like a trainer or anything like that. My real passion is for the health of the animal. For example, learning how to trim toe nails safely in resistant animals, brushing their teeth, things like that. I don’t really know if I could give shots. I just want to be the owner of a property where needy animals could come and live until they are adopted. That sort of thing. But of course, I’m too allergic really.

It’s confusing.

I’ve found a method to get the courses I need to keep going with the Accounting topic. But I don’t know if I should stay at the current, super inexpensive school, or switch to the online school that would allow me to finish more quickly. … Ugh, I wish to decide it this week but it’s been very hard.

MONEY MAKE-BACK COUNTDOWN

Okay, this is half joke, a quarter revenge and a quarter serious.

TARGET GOAL: 67 avoided bus rides

Joke: I just learned about “Sunk Costs” in Accounting
Revenge: I had to pay a bogus citation plus a HUGE late fee (okay, the late part was my own fault). The citation was for allegedly not swiping my card on a bus. But in truth, I did swipe it but the reader was busted. I protested it unsuccessfully through writing. Then I gathered tons of documentation and things for an in-person hearing but took them downtown 4 days late. My fault but the late fee was HUGE. Ridiculous. For a bogus citation. So I’m going to make back the money by not using them for my regular routes.
Serious: I do want to spend less on transportation.

My updates to the remaining number of avoided bus rides will be in the COMMENTS to this post, because that’s easiest for me to update when out and about. It’ll be a “stickied” post on my front page until I complete the 67 avoided bus rides.

Things On My Mind

Pink Flowers

Pink Flowers

  • Dog sitting on Saturday. I don’t know what that’s going to look like yet – it will be at or near Peter’s apartment / nearby parks, assumedly.
  • Therapy. Will I continue seeing my current therapist? She has been helpful. But it is hard to get out to that city lately, and will become more so. And she will not be in-network for my new insurance.
  • Health insurance. I’ve applied for a new health insurance. It’s through Peter’s work. Apparently I have been accepted, but have yet to receive a card. Apparently it will backdate to the start of August, when I first applied.
  • Health insurance. How in !@$# am I going to get my money back for August for my COBRA health insurance? I’ve already paid them $785.66 for this month. They will drop-kick me the instant they catch whiff of me applying for different insurance, so perhaps they will return my August premium.
  • My belongings. So I’m going to need to clear out all of my things from my aunt and uncle’s place and officially move in with Peter. I really hope that the wardrobe we picked out is going to fit all of my stuff. I’m to clear out all of my painting supplies, too. I hope that having them handy will inspire me to start painting again.
  • Rent. Once I’m officially moved in with Peter and his roommate, I’m going to start contributing to rent. This scares the living daylights out of me. Every time I think about it, my palms start sweating. I think last time Peter did the math for it, he suggested that $500/month would be appropriate. It’s not to lower it for him but for his roommate, since I’m using part of the shared space and all that. But I know what their full rent is and I can do the math and believe me, that is not the full 1/3 amount. That’s not even 1/4. Nor 1/5, 1/6, 1/7… I could go on but I won’t. So trust me. The idea scares the bejeepers out of me. I’m glad their lease is up in December. So the thing is, I’ll only be able to afford contributing toward rent once the new health insurance kicks in — it will be saving me more than that in premiums.
  • Work. So I absolutely do not qualify for student work on campus. However, it doesn’t matter right now, because I am not unemployed. It turns out that my work has not found a replacement for me yet. So I am invited to continue working as much as my schedule will allow — which is Tuesday and Thursday after 1:20 pm, and all day on Friday. I’m anxious about having to commute this direction after school on Tue + Thu, but I’m also relieved to maintain having some kind of income for now!!! I dropped one of my classes (the music class) to make sure I’d be able to work on Tuesday. But I also dropped it because the idea of three classes that day was starting to overwhelm me — I don’t think it was a good plan. And the amount of reading it required was incredible – more than any of the other classes.
  • School. OMG. What’s stressing me out is that I am supposed to introduce myself to each instructor right away and ask them to read the request for a note-taker for me (yay Disability Support Services!). But the idea of trying to pin down an instructor before the first class is pretty nerve-wracking. I’m not too scared of the reading at present — I have access to audio for 3 of my textbooks and will soon have access to the 4th. I’m terrified of homework — I just don’t have a good track record for actually doing homework. But, I’m older & wiser now, and I know how to work WITH myself a lot more than in the past (as opposed to against myself), so I have a much better chance of succeeding now. For sure.
  • Hobbies. I have not participated in ANY of my hobbies or side interests as of late (except for photography). Maybe this isn’t entirely true, because I’ve gone on some walks and watched 2 funny videos and have done my budgeting. But anyway, this is because I am feeling SO MUCH PRESSURE from the impending start of classes. Once I have my new schedule, I think things will go smoothly.
  • Relationship. This is moving awfully fast in two ways: Officially moving in with Peter, and going onto his work’s health insurance as an unmarried domestic partner of the opposite sex (they have that category). This is a little out of my comfort zone, to be honest. It is bringing up a LOT of baggage for me, in the form of flashbacks, memories, weird dreams, remorse, sorrowful memories of specific time periods I DON’T want to recall. Etc. I’m trying to keep a lid on it but I’m going to need to deal with it in a healthy way when I can. I haven’t shared all of these specifics details, but he’s suggesting we go to couples therapy, which I think is a brilliant idea. I just need that insurance card so I can get the in-network list… 😛
  • My pony. What am going to do with my pony??? I can’t keep paying for my pony! But I am hesitate to part with her, too. I haven’t seen her in over a year! I am just paying every month for her care and I don’t know when I’ll ever see her again or what I’ll do with her. I can’t pay for a pony when I will hardly be working!
  • Work again. I’m also glad to stay on with this company for now, because I am very familiar with the people and systems now. It can be stressful for me at times, but the thought of a new, minimum-wage job is even scarier. Also, my tie to my uncle might be broken once I’m entirely gone from this job. Particularly when I’m having to move all of my stuff out soon. My brother had told him that I’m moving in with Peter (for the insurance, he thinks). They think I’m just using the system. Oy. It will be hard to stay in contact with my uncle, I think. He doesn’t really respond to text messages. Maybe I’ll have to call him every now and then, or show up sometimes on the weekend. I don’t know yet.
  • OCD. My OCD has been acting up, assumedly from increased stress. I’ve been getting some intrusive thoughts and an inability to get past certain thoughts/ they just keep repeating in my head, over and over again. This’ll go away once I’m into the new school schedule, though. But OMG it does not help matters right now.
  • Mood. At least my mood seems to be stable again now. I had even called my doctor to tell her about my extreme crabbiness and even worse exhaustion in the morning. But she is hesitant to raise my thyroid level back up, because I guess that will increase the amount of bone loss for me in the future, since my thyroid level was running kind of high before. But I’m starting to feel okay again, and I even felt like a slept mostly okay last night. I did stall for an hour in getting out of bed, but that was more from my old anxiety than from exhaustion this morning. Things will be easier once I’m into the new school schedule. It’s hard to be looking at it from the top of the cliff.

Log: Aug 05 – Aug 14 (Wed – Fri): A LOT of change

Aug 05 (Wed): Work;
Aug 06 (Thu): School DSS appt!! 9:30am @location; Work 11:30am – 5:30pm;
Aug 07 (Fri): Work;
Aug 08 (Sat): ;
Aug 09 (Sun): ;
Aug 10 (Mon): Work;
Aug 11 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a; Work 10:30a – 12:30p; School appt
Aug 12 (Wed): Work;
Aug 13 (Thu): Work; Uncle’s house
Aug 14 (Fri): Work;

Well, I’m behind! Let’s see what I can re-construct based off of text messages, photos, and emails.

Flowers

Flowers

Aug 5, Wed: I received photos and pictures of a dragonfly that took a 5-mile ride on my dad when he and my parents went walking through the woods. Peter and I both got home super late from work. I made myself some beans and rice and he was able to get some food before leaving work – he was super late due to something up at work, but he was able to fix it.

Aug 6, Thu: My appointment with the Disability Support Services at my new school took longer than I expected, but it was worth it! Not only did I get permission to audio-record lectures, but they rented me out a digital tape recorder for free, which is great because I lost mine and didn’t want to have to buy a new one.

Aug 7, Fri: This day started out humorously. For some reason, I refer to pre-ground coffee beans as “coffee grounds”. I never thought anything of it. But I went to a new coffee shop to buy these beans, and I asked for “grounds”. The rep looked at me as if I was very odd, and said no, they don’t sell those. They usually throw them away. Haha. I didn’t understand until I’d already left and went to the another coffee shop. This time I corrected myself and said grounds – I mean BEANS! Peter and I went to my aunt & uncle’s house after work. I had needed to pick up some mail that arrives for me there. We couldn’t stay the night, in part because I had left my medicine back at Peter’s place.

Cat Picture

Cat Picture

Aug 8, Sat: Peter and I were at his mom’s house the whole day (from breakfast until night). I got to meet a maternal uncle, who was fun to speak with. I received pictures of my parents and dog in the mountains, picking blueberries. I got to see a couple of pictures of my pony getting attention from some youngsters. I took tons of pictures of one of Peter’s mom’s cats in the setting sun light.

Aug 9, Sun: It must have been this day that my brother borrowed my uncle’s vehicle and tried to help me and Peter pick up some large furniture items (a wardrobe for me, and a bedframe of a larger size than his current one). But alas, their website had lied about the number of items in stock and so we couldn’t buy the furniture. We took my brother out to lunch for helping (or for trying to help).

Aug 10, Mon: Work. Was able to back-order the furniture. I cooked from a cookbook!, with Peter’s assistance (I get pretty overwhelmed after a certain number of steps).

Aug 11, Tue: Therapy, which is perhaps not going smoothly at the moment. Then learned that my 2nd-favorite bakery just shut their doors!!! So sad!!! I also decided (and got agreement from Peter) to make fabric napkins and some potholders, which we need. So one of these days, I get to head to a fabric store… I’d better decide the max amount to spend ahead of time!!! $$$ I worked for 2 hours. After work, I went back to the school. I went through a meeting meant for people who can petition to receive financial aide (I wanted to participate in Work Study), but learned from the meeting that I absolutely cannot qualify because I have too many credits — it doesn’t matter that most of the credits are from over a decade ago. Oh well. I’ll explain why I say, “Oh, well” farther down this post! I also talked with someone about getting my 1 hardcopy textbook turned into audio, and it is no problem because they already had to do that book for someone else.

Pink Clouds

Pink Clouds

Aug 12, Wed: Work. Learned that my passport was approved after all. The problem had been that they only had half of my mailing address, somehow. Peter was in an odd(weak) mood and exceptionally exhausted. I think he was fighting off some kind of bug but he says he thinks it was something going on at work that is particularly stressful for him.

Aug 13, Thu: Work. Nobody showed up and I had no tasks. I slept for an hour under my desk. I’ve been playing some phone apps that help me remember my grade-school Math. ( I ❤ gamification ) I went to my uncle’s after work, to take some pictures of more items he’d like to sell. Peter worked from home for part of the day because he was still feeling so exhausted. He joined me at my uncle’s house anyway (although I had just finished and he sat on the porch while I got my bike and such, so my uncle actually never knew he was there!), and we ate out at my favorite Thai restaurant. Peter still seemed “off” to me. In case my nighttime kicking has been keeping him from sleeping at night, I slept on the floor again last night. I feel like I slept fairly well, although I remember waking up a couple of times. I must have tossed a lot because when I woke up, my sleeping bag zipper was now flipped to the other side!!

Aug 14, Fri: Peter sounded a little bit more like himself this morning. Work. I don’t know what tonight will bring. If I can, perhaps I’ll cut work earlier, although in a way, this is like my last “real” day. But I’d like to go home early and pick up some groceries. I’d like to make a quick dinner tonight. I have the feeling of there being so much to do / SO MUCH TO GET DONE. This is likely because school starts on MONDAY!!!!! I haven’t been a full-time student for over a decade!! This is crazy.

I might submit this post and then write an additional post highlighting certain things not mentioned in the log because they are more nebulous.

Mood Range: 3.7 – 5