Okay, this is half joke, a quarter revenge and a quarter serious.

TARGET GOAL: 67 avoided bus rides

Joke: I just learned about “Sunk Costs” in Accounting
Revenge: I had to pay a bogus citation plus a HUGE late fee (okay, the late part was my own fault). The citation was for allegedly not swiping my card on a bus. But in truth, I did swipe it but the reader was busted. I protested it unsuccessfully through writing. Then I gathered tons of documentation and things for an in-person hearing but took them downtown 4 days late. My fault but the late fee was HUGE. Ridiculous. For a bogus citation. So I’m going to make back the money by not using them for my regular routes.
Serious: I do want to spend less on transportation.

My updates to the remaining number of avoided bus rides will be in the COMMENTS to this post, because that’s easiest for me to update when out and about. It’ll be a “stickied” post on my front page until I complete the 67 avoided bus rides.


I am really amazed that I can already tell a difference in my jogging attempt just from several days of doing it! My calves were sore for the first two days but even that is better already. It’s really amazing. Now I’m talking I count any kind of progress because I’m Ground 0 for jogging. If I jog 3 out of 30 minutes and walk the rest of the time, I’m fine with that. I’m ECSTATIC by the 3 minutes, in fact.

But today, I jogged most of the way to the icecream shop! I can’t believe it! I jogged part of the way back but my exercise-induced-asthma intervened. That’s fine. I am astounded that my asthma intervened as opposed to my leg or other muscles. It’s amazing.

And the asthma is of no concern to me — it’s perfectly normal for me because I’m living around 2 cats, which I’m allergic to. So of course I’ll get asthma when exercising. When I owned a pony, it was the same exchange. I get the joy of living with animals, which enrich my life. In exchange, I can only exercise so much before my lungs refuse additional air and I have to stop for a while or keep very slow.

But I can’t stress how amazing it is that I went as far as I did without needing to stop today. The icecream shop isn’t far by “real” joggers’ standards. Oh! I looked it up — it’s half a mile! That’s awesome! Hot dog. My blood pressure complained to me while jogging — things going dim and such. But I’m going to keep doing this and see if that improves.

I got my bloodwork results back today, finally. The vitamins + such appear to be within normal range. B12 was high (I had taken a sublingual sometime that week, which probably effected it). Vit D was within normal but at the lowest end. I’ve been taking a supplement since then and I do feel a bit better from it. But everything else was right smack in the normal ranges, so my exhaustion is caused from something else. The endocrinologist will want to refer me to a neurologist now. I’m debating. (These things cost money, y’o!)

If My Life Is Short

If My Life Is Short

If My Life Is Short
…I do not care about proper grammar any more.
…I know I will not be a rocket scientist.
…I know I will not be an astronaut.

If My Life Is Short
…Having enough money for end-times care is vital. It could come quickly.
…Loving the people you’re with is important.
…Having loving people around you is important.

If My Life Is Short
…Donating money to things you believe in is important.
…Volunteering or working for someone else or another cause is important.
…Helping others or the planet in some way is important. It’s all we leave behind.

If My Life Is Short
…I want to write music.
…I want to create objects with my own hands.
…I want to leave something tangible behind, something that means something to someone.

If My Life Is Short
…I don’t need to spend hours a day in the kitchen.
…Perfect organization of my bedroom will not matter.
…Collecting items for personal sentimental reasons will not help others when I’m gone.

Two years with the Accounting? Then on to Programming?
When does the writing Music come in?
One semester of Accounting, plus two courses. That is all I promise myself for now. One semester, with a vocal course alongside. Music, Art, Psychology and Science. There is no time for everything. Accounting first. Income is important. Then the rest.


Just some more boring ol’ to-do lists because my anxiety is off scale:


  • Once my matriculation and waiver paperwork are accepted: Register for missing course
  • Once registered for all courses:
    • write boss letter for quitting
    • pay tuition
    • rent / locate textbooks
  • Additional: Does this school have disability services / can I get permission to audio-record all lectures? Can I get a notetaker? Can I have textbooks turned to robot audio voice? Do I need current therapist to write a letter to them, if so?


  • Once I receive termination letter, immediately apply for state insurance
  • If “appeals” process rejects me, contact ex’s employer and have them contact insurance’s manager and insist I should be on insurance still
  • Look up this school’s student insurance


  • Return pony to previous owner?
    • Holy crap, I just located a horse stable right along the beach where the board is cheaper than I used to pay (although more than most places around here, and certainly more than I’ve been paying my friend all year). But it would be financially feasible to bring her here if I found a trustworthy person to co-own or part-lease her from me. Ride for hours along the beach, anyone?? Yeah. For real. Temptation. Much food for thought.
    • No, still the same issues. Time and distance and time. And the reality of me traveling frequently to a distant barn. There’s no way.
  • Sell my car?
  • Books? Drawing? Voice? Piano? Guitar? Soooo many possibilities
  • Exercise / working out
  • Would this job keep me for 1 day a week?
  • Would I get a campus job?
  • Would I get a different, very part-time job?

It’s me. (Goals#010) (Journal#051)

I just did something really fun. I took my bicycle and Bailey down to a long, flat road, waited for the cars to pass, and then let her run with me. At first, she sort of kept by my side, just trotting along, and then a bit of a canter, so I sped up to keep up. Then it’s like she realized she could really let out some steam, and she started flat out running, so I sped up more to keep along side her. I’m pretty sure she’d report to you that she tasted some doggy heaven. You could see it in her whole body: WOOO HOOOOO!!!!!!!!! We had to slow down again for some traffic. On the way back, she was a lot slower. Finally, a tired dog! We went a little farther, just at a slow trot, and then walked back home. She did really well!! I’d say she only spent maybe 2% of the entire time trying to go in the wrong direction or toward another dog. lol 98% behaving as a perfect bicycling dog is pretty damn amazing, considering I have no idea if she’s ever done that before!!!

If I die tomorrow, have I accomplished anything? I made a dog happy for a brief moment in time. That’s something.

How will I feel good about myself? I want to help network sheltered animals to their new homes. I want to help the situation of people with no homes.

How can I do these things when I’m afraid to leave my home most of the time? What is within my walking distance that is close enough that I won’t get exhausted on the way? Why can’t other things feel as valuable to me personally?

I feel an odd urgency to get this started. Today. I wish an animal shelter was near me. Right next to me. I’d be there every day. I’ve only ever networked two animals to better places, but to me, that is what feels worthwhile in my life. All other moments, I feel are wasted away and wasting me away.

I grow more worthless by the day. I have to turn this around, Now.

Today’s Goals: Improved Mental Focus (Goals#009)



I’m positive these goal posts are boring as hell for you guys, but they REALLY help me focus, and I can tell I’m very distractable right now, so… [First, here is a side note: I finally completed one of my topic seeds! It’s the one titled “PRO Hugs“.]

Today’s Goals:

  • Send my dad a bag of Trader Joe’s cinnamon almonds for Christmas
  • Send my mom a couple of those rubber counter top grippy things I saw
  • Attend bicycle ride this Saturday morning
  • Must bring new scripts to pharmacy
  • Pick up all scripts
  • Fix SugarSync on that one computer …HALFWAY SUCCESS
  • Dump my phone pictures to a laptop so I can take more pictures
  • Organize my bedroom
  • Run a load of laundry …SUCCESS
  • Wash my bedding
  • Work with Maddy on “down” again 🙂 …SUCCESS
  • Attend meditation center on Sunday? (Am I brave enough to go there alone?)
  • Clean bathroom sink + counter
  • Clean bathroom mirror
  • Call my old friend, S
  • Text my old friend, K

Journaling: I wanted to tell those of you who have read my previous posts that last night marks the first time That Topic came up that I didn’t have any emotional slip! What I did was try to drown out any mental focus on it by literally saying, “LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA,” in my head. I could still hear most of the words, but my attention was split, and somehow that prevented the emotional impact. So YAY!!!!! Progress. I have to thank all of you who are reading this, because I don’t think I’d be as motivated, and I DEFINITELY wouldn’t be as honed-in on the problems, if it weren’t for me recording notes in this blog! If you remember, I didn’t even know what was causing my extreme mood swing until I was writing a post about it! I had no idea this would turn out to be such a powerful tool for my healing.

UPDATE: I have an idea for a different structure for future Goal posts and future Journaling posts and I’m excited about it. Then I have ideas for two future Topic posts. No. 2. OCD: living by the rules and I can’t remember No. 1. right now, but it’ll come back eventually.