Long-Overdue Update

Hi all,

Deer crossing in front of our car

Deer crossing

I haven’t checked in or updated here in a very long time until just recently when I had a little emotional emergency. So I thought I should go ahead and try to fill in some gaps, briefly.

Since I last really updated on here, I quit my awesome tutoring job and the in-person school and went fully online. I also started volunteering at an animal shelter. The online schooling is boring as **** and I’m kind of regretting the decision, BUT it is going faster than it was going when I was trying to juggle tutoring, classes, and more classes at the same time (tutoring is tied to taking several additional classes).

My first pea plant flower of the season!

First flower! Pea plant

I’ve also started gardening, which I used to do years ago. It’s great. I’m growing peas and lettuce. I’ve started some flower seeds but super late, so I’m not sure they’ll do anything. I tried beans twice but they were immediately eaten by something (I know I hand-killed a ton of thrips but I suspect more than just them were at work).

Also, as you can tell, I found a psychologist and was seeing him once a week. It took at least a month before I decided I could trust him. Obviously, I am not as sure about that right now.

But whatevs. I have a dental appointment today. Next week, I have a psychiatrist appointment. I am only seeing her twice a year now, but I might try to increase to 3 times a year since just recently I’ve been having more trouble again.

GullSandwich

Stolen: Child’s sandwich

Oh, and I exercise a ton still! And I’m eating a little bit more healthfully, much of the time! It seems that whenever I exercise a LOT in a week, I feel emotionally good. Whenever I don’t exercise, due to illness or just getting swamped with other things, I get depressed. The correlation is INCREDIBLY strong. Exercise = emotional stability. Sedentary-ness = instant hopelessness. Obviously, I need to use this knowledge for good.

Once a week, I see my friend, “Joe”, who some of you may remember I dated for a while, like two years ago? I don’t know how long ago. Anyway, he’s probably my best friend now. We go on a long Pokéwalk every week. It’s often along the piers, where I can see the birds and sea lions and sometimes a harbor seal and some fish. Sometimes, we go to different parks, including a particular lake that always has tons of different ducks and birds and squirrels. I’m very grateful to have him as a friend. Also, because he has Asperger also, and has dealt with therapists and group therapy and more, he really understands when I have my downs and instability and has great insights.

ALSO, he’s as into wildlife as I am, so he doesn’t mind one bit when I stop 800 times to photograph slugs and squirrels and birds and rocks and everything.

Close up of gull's eye, which is reflecting water ripples

Water reflection in eye

He and my SO (significant other) have met twice but only briefly. I really hope they become friends because then we can all go hiking together and stuff. We’re all attending “Joe”‘s b-day dinner this weekend, and I hope it all goes smoothly. I’ve had terrible experiences in the past with my ex who hated my friends. I’m not at all concerned about my SO hating “Joe” but I know that “Joe” has difficulty around other males. There will be up to 15 people and I’ll have met like 1 or 2 of them. Hopefully it all goes well.

What other news? I’m still living with SO and his mom. I had a rough time with it like a month or so ago, but since then I’ve been working on establishing what I consider more boundaries. She’s awesome and very generous but can be a little bit controlling about certain things, and I have a hard time knowing how to shrug it off. So I’m learning and I’m working on it.

Ducklings, back in April

Ducklings (from back in April)

I’m considering getting a part-time job at a coffee shop. I want something nearby, not too intense (although busy is okay, and I enjoy customer service). But my feelings of self-worth slip every day that I’m unemployed. I didn’t think it would happen, since I know that finishing school more quickly will get me a higher-than-minimum-wage-job more quickly and thus is productive, but it doesn’t FEEL productive. Even when I volunteer at the animal shelter twice a week, I love it but I still feel rotten about myself. Also, I’m focusing less well on school the longer time passes since I was at the in-person school. Bummer.

I set up a bucket to catch water in the shower as we wait for hot water. I also bought grey-water-garden-safe laundry soap and hooked up some tubs to catch my laundry water. There’s a plant out back that is a water hog, so this grey water really helps.

All right, that’s all for now.

Dog and Cat

  1. I’ve got to say that there is a dog in the animal shelter right now who really needs to be adopted. If any of you are looking for a dog, please check out your animal shelters. I can’t believe this dog is still available.
  2. There’s a cat in the neighborhood who doesn’t appear to belong to anybody. We first found him inside of our house, eating our cats’ food. (My bf’s mom’s cats’ food is long to type, so I’m calling them mine in this blog post.) Anyway. Unfortunately, the kitties weren’t exceptionally accepting of the intruder (there was a little scuffle). So I try very hard to feed these cats in the morning so there isn’t a lot of dry stuff laying around during the day for stray cat to come in and eat. It’s complicated and I’m distracted so I’m not writing it out well. Anyway, it’s funny. Because all it took was the sound of piteous mewing outside the window on a windy night for me to decide I want to adopt an animal.

The stray wants to come inside when it’s cold and windy out at night. But it isn’t my house so I’m not allowed. It isn’t just about the cats getting along — I know I could get them to be friendly with each other. But first would be taking the strange cat into a vet, scan for microchip, do vet tests, spend money I don’t have. Get kicked out from living here. You know the drill. So really I should bring the cat to the animal control to scan for microchip. It’s so people-friendly and so much wants to come inside, Well, I’m distracted and have no idea what I’ve typed here, so I’m going to post it. Sorry, anyone reading this.

Brighter

Well all,
Life is weird. Right? Right?? Life is fucking WEIRD. I mean, really. Life is really, really, really weird.

Of course, maybe that’s how it always feel after you’ve just moved. And moved in with your partner’s mother. And your partner has had a crazy work schedule due to a conference that was being held, so you’ve only seen him like once in a week, or at least that’s how it feels.

And part of why it feels that way is because when he was home, at like 11 pm, and you did go to bed, you had to enforce a large space bubble because he was a stranger to you. Because you were dissociating and although you could consciously think back and tell yourself that yes, you have met this person before and actually lived with this person for a while, you don’t know or recognize this person right now. The face and hair are unfamiliar. The mental processes of his brain are unfamiliar.

Monday, I had a test. Today, I had two tests. I think I did well on all three. Yesterday, he and I chatted via text for a brief time during the day. I asked him how he was doing whatwith all this change and such. He said it was hard and he felt like he had lost some of my trust. Yeah, he had. I can’t put my finger on the reason why, but yep. I asked if he was interested in splitting up with me. He said no but that we should talk about things. I suggested we go on a walk & talk later.

I didn’t know it, but he had thought I wanted to go on a walk with him for the sake of breaking up. For me, going on a walk is like my one attempt at repairing things. Because I can’t connect with a person in a house. We connected in the first place outdoors, doing things. That’s where we need to work on repairing things, IMO.

Anyway. So we went on a walk, exploring the residential areas around here. It was a relief to be out, exercising for the first time in how long. We didn’t chat too deeply but we did get into it a little bit. I felt a lot of relief and a little more at peace.

I had been so angry on moving day. SO angry. Because he wasn’t there. He had to be at that horribly-timed conference for work. I was scared. He had taken off the day before to pack, and we had accomplished a lot but weren’t entirely done. So I was gathering up last shreds of items and trying to organize them into boxes but failing repeatedly. I managed to get enough together by the time they arrived.

Ah well. I cry every day. Because I miss the cats so much. I liked both cats but I was really fond of miss Curie, especially. She loved me, too.

My partner’s mum has two cats but I’m not attached to them yet. And I have been sneezing more here, so I’m trying to keep them away a lot. I don’t have to fear getting attached to these cats because after we move out, I expect to still see them each weekend or however often we visit (it’s typically once a weekend).

All of this sounds negative, I expect, but I titled this Brighter and I meant it. I’m feeling a lot better. It was last night that I realized I’d been dissociating a lot since the move. I told him. I don’t know that he understands but I felt better for having put it into words and recognized what was happening.

In spite of moments of going in and out of reality, I actually have found moments of joy in my heart for living here. And that is freaking amazing, that it could happen at all in the midst of so much change and stress and uncertainty. This is very unusual for me. But I have been able to just walk over with my laptop to where my partner’s mum is sitting and watching TV, and just silently sit down and watch with her. We don’t know our relationship yet; as a tenant, I’m probably invading her space. As her son’s girlfriend, it’s probably fine but more chatter would be expected. This uncertain mix suites me much better; maybe she will expect more chatter or more space, i don’t know. But getting to just come in and sit down and have company but not be pressured into speaking is so nice. And I can sit in sunbeams around here. And the area is amazing.

She took me on a walking tour of the neighborhood today. I bought a cute dog card for my dad, from a pet shop we went to. She showed me the entrance to the nearby park. She showed me two little veggie shops and one main grocery store. It was quite a walk but such a relief. I suspect my lack of conversation was noticed at some point but I’m so out of energy for holding up conversations lately. I just don’t know what to say. But I liked the company and I liked getting to see so many things around here.

I saw a Post Office so I can mail out my dad’s super late birthday present soon. We also stopped at an icecream shop that sells vegan icecream, and I bought one and it was amazing. I only meant to eat part of it but I hadn’t realized how long the walk back would take; I ate nearly all of it. The last bite is currently in the freezer.

Sleep is a bit challenging. Well, my partner & I went to bed SUPER late last night because he was helping me study for my tests. I especially requested help for the Math test; I didn’t understand one of the chapters. It paid off; I have my score for it already, and I got a 100%!! But we were SO tired this morning. I’m drained.

I’m probably also feeling hopeful now because my first ever endocrinologist appointment is tomorrow. As always, I hope for mysteries of the universe to be quickly explained and “cured” with a quick, cheap-fix, one-line diagnosis. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Chronic exhaustion… CURED
Lifetime of insomnia and sleep issues… CURED
Depression… CURED
Lethargy… CURED
Exercise aversion… CURED
Lack of motivation… CURED
Anxiety… CURED
Indecisiveness… CURED
Intestinal pain… CURED
Moodiness… CURED
Lack of self-confidence… CURED

ETC!

Well, I am going to go make some tea. Using the teapot I already damaged by forgetting about it. (Yes, I have a new system in place so that doesn’t happen again.) At least she didn’t seem upset with me. That was a rough first day. My gawd it has been stressful, when you think about it.

Mixen’ up

Today was all right. I went to classes. But at home, I didn’t go to the grocery store (desperately needed). And I haven’t done homework. I did practice Spanish a little bit, for fun. And I ate a bowl of freeze-dried noodles and freeze-dried vegetable chunks. I then ate soy yogurt and homemade GF granola, to which I added cocoa powder with mini chocolate chips in it. And a drop of maple syrup.

Now I’m drinking a supposedly-vanilla-scented sleepy-time tea. My bf wrote that he’s on his way home. That’s when I realized I hadn’t actually done any homework nor have I started to pack. Nor have I done really anything, and that’s exactly when my anxiety SPIKED again. I mean out of control. I’m weak again, my heart is fluttering rather than beating. I can’t think or process or do anything. I’m scared and gray.

Why? Because once he’s home, the lack of having packed up anything becomes real? Because once he’s home, the lack of homework gotten done becomes real? I did make some quinoa. It’s cold now, on the stove top with a lid on it so it can be reheated. But I no longer feel like it. He’s been having to work really late lately; that’s why we haven’t gone to the grocery store. I love that he has such an immense work ethic. Last night, I was doing homework and he was doing work from home until I couldn’t anymore and I fell asleep. He kept going until midnight and then we went to bed.

I guess it’s not that late here yet but it’s so dark outside. It feels late. And I have an exhaustion beyond words. It’s this anxiety. It’s wearing me down.

I have to make a change. This isn’t working and it isn’t a life. It isn’t MY life.

  • I looked at a lot of job listings today. There is one in particular, with a well-known animal rescue organization, that actually sounds doable for me. I will need to fill out an application, cover letter, and alert my references. I should still have a resume copy laying around from a few months ago. I need to submit for this job because it would be very good for me. The main downside is that it is weekends, which I wanted to avoid.
  • But frankly, my partner & I have been having an issue with our conflicting executive function difficulties as of late. It’s making it hard to be productive on the weekends as is. Last weekend, I did my damn best to write down a list of possible things we could do, as requested. I gave it to him and expected he would choose several and place them in some sort of order for the day. Instead, we just sort of did some things at random and then he was really frustrated at the end of the day for having had no feeling of progressing toward anything. We hadn’t communicated well. When I had given him that list, I expected him to take the next step. He was expecting ME to decide the order of events I wanted to do, and tell him what to do. I want him to tell me what to do. If I had the skills to choose my own damn schedule, I wouldn’t be in this mess of a life in the first place.
  • I’m gaining weight, particularly in the face which I hate. Next semester, I am going to sign up for an exercise class. I suspect I’ll do weight-lifting, because my mom thinks that’s supposed to help prevent osteoporosis, which I have a higher-than-average likelihood of having when I’m older.
  • Weekends. Do away with weekends. Do away with the potential for conflict. I want us to do our own, separate things on at least one day of the weekend. That way if our one day together is a flop, we can each salvage what we can separately. Scheduling for self alone isn’t as challenging as scheduling for two.
  • Food. I’m not going grocery shopping anymore because it gets darker earlier. Also, I don’t always have the internal motivation to leave my apartment. But I could use savings money and hire a company to fucking DELIVER groceries to me once a week or two. That would surely be cheaper than eating every meal out. I just. can’t. keep doing that.
  • Cats. I picked up a cat tonight and started crying. I’m going to miss this trouble creatures. I’m going to miss the nosy one so much. She’s always in my stuff. She’s always on me or with me if I’m out of my room. She loves me.
  • This weekend. He has a conference this weekend, it turns out. I learned it twenty minutes ago. Why won’t this anxiety medicine hurry up and kick in? I took a little bit just a bit ago, when the panic set in. I thought we were going to be moving our stuff to his mom’s place this weekend. I guess that is not the case; but we will do packing. Somehow. I suppose I’d best just hire someone. I can’t stand the thought of him seeing my lack of packing. He’s offering to skip the conference because moving is more important. But I somehow don’t think that’s the biggest issue.
  • It isn’t timing. It’s … the executing. Can someone PLEASE come out and help me???????????? I’d better hurry up and hire someone from online. I have two old contacts from TaskRabbit. I’ll ask them both if there’s any way they can help me because I just can’t get this started on my own.
  • What the hell is so hard about getting started? The panic! It’s really unbelievable. The gray and the fluttering heart. I don’t think my heart is even beating anymore – it’s just a mere whisper of a tremble. No pulse. I can’t reply back to bf, I won’t be able to smile or say hi to him when he does enter the apartment (soon). This night is going to be really rough if this anxiety medicine doesn’t hurry up and kick in. I’m scared to death.
  • Woops, I have to go now. Thanks for listening.

Additional

  • We joked that putting together the wardrobe would be a good test of how we handle frustration or whatever in the relationship. 😉 It went fine, though. Actually, it was fun.
  • Food got spilled on my cookbook. Then a cat ate the corner off of it.
  • I like school.
  • My mom is happy that I’m happy with school and doing well so far.
  • My mom just accepted a new job. Her old one was not renewed.
  • She has even sent me two ‘care packages’! ❤
  • I tested INFP in 10th grade!!! I test ISFP by 12th, ISFJ after college, then back to ISFP, which is where I tend to test nowadays.
  • Got hangers for my wardrobe
  • SOON to pick up all of my belongings from my uncle’s house and move them to ‘my’ apartment
  • Ironically, my biggest anxiety is that my anxiety is going to be what ruins the relationship. Try stopping THAT anxiety!
  • My mom’s sending me cute pictures of my dog ❤
  • Practiced a little bit of recorder and little bit of piano last night.
  • Somewhere in there, I had what may or may not be my last appointment with my therapist. I don’t really know what’s going on in that department yet and haven’t had the time or focus to think about it. But it seemed like a final appointment. I hadn’t been sharing much for the past month or so. I don’t know what happened. I kind of do but kind of not entirely.

Log: May 9 + 10 (Sat + Sun) Mother’s Day Weekend

May 9 (Sat): At aunt & uncle’s house w/”Peter”; Went to beach, dinner out

May 10 (Sun): Spend day w/ “Peter’s” folks

Beach

Beach

On Saturday, “Peter” and I were again too tired for the tree planting and stayed at my aunt + uncle’s house in the morning. We spent a long time washing down their old kayaks and prepping them to sell online. While we were doing that, my brother showed up. I was really surprised; I had no idea he was going to be coming over.

He and my uncle had plans for oyster shooters. The three guys did that. My aunt and I did not (but I took pictures). “Peter” tried one and then he and I left for a beach. We got there around sunset (although it was cloudy) and walked around. It was really pretty. I’ll have to post a couple of pictures. Then we had dinner out there. It had a neat atmosphere, with a view of the waves, even as the sky got darker and darker. I laughed too hard and blew out our candle and asked our waiter to re-light it for me.

(Eating gluten free and being extremely lactose intolerant has been a real pain in the ass lately, by the way. It is just so damn inconvenient. I don’t want to have to keep making a fuss. Maybe I should try to avoid eating at other people’s homes.)

Trees

Trees

Sunday: “Peter” and his dad made breakfast for his mom. I doubt I helped much. I did help dry dishes when I could. I learned a lot of cooking tips. We all chatted. It was nice. We went on a walk in a nearby treed park steep hill area, as a hike. I don’t know how to describe it. The trees were really pretty and there were a lot of neat wildflowers. We spotted poison oak, a few birds and no other wild life. I FaceTimed my mom briefly but she was about to leave for the airport.

Dinner w/ his folks and it was wonderful. I’m being brief because I’m exhausted. I learned so much today; I wish I could write it all down so that I don’t forget it, but I’m just too tired to remember right now. Anyway. I have a lot to get done still. I hope tomorrow will not be too busy, so that I can catch up on some of my to-dos. I should probably list them out again.

Log: Apr 25 – 27 (Sat – Mon) Happy days

Apr 25 (Sat): Tree planting with “Peter” 8:00a – 2:00p

Apr 26 (Sun): Film Festival and a Park with “Peter”

Apr 27 (Mon): Work 11:00a – 6:30p, Grocery shopping, Laundry

Bicycle tire

Bicycle tire

Saturday: This day brought tree planting with “Peter” and we worked hard. We turned out to be the only two members who showed up for the asphalt-removal team! We did not get it all done but we worked hard the whole time. It will be very satisfying to see the new plants that will be grown where these layers of asphalt have been for years.

Afterward, we went to my pharmacy to pick up my waiting prescription, and then walked to a gluten free bakery for lunch. It’s a place that I looove. After that, we went back to my uncle’s house and tried to address “Peter’s” bicycle’s flat tire. It seemed as though I had bought the wrong tube size after all, so I asked my uncle if he happened to have a patch kit. (I knew my uncle was displeased about having “Peter’s” bicycle in his garage all week and so I thought I could at least patch the holey tube and make it back to “Peter’s” city with it, and fix it there. You see, I had tried to be helpful and take care of the tube myself earlier in the week, but ended up taking apart a couple more items than needed to be removed from the bike. Then learned I didn’t have the physical strength to put the new tube on/outer tire over it. Seeing pieces of someone else’s bike in his garage was not a happy occasion for my uncle.) Hmm. My uncle was quite inebriated and quite vexed by my request. But in the end, he ended up taking over the tube replacement and determining that I’d bought the correct sized tube after all, and he put it all together for us. Whew.

We were then on our way. “Peter” and I went to his city. I wish I could remember what we did there! I think he ran a load of laundry. Man, I cannot remember.

Sunday: Hmm. I believe this is when we consulted the details of the Film Festival and we each checked off the ones we were most interested in. We had to rush a bit to eat breakfast and make it to the first film. It was a very interesting documentary. We ate out for lunch and attended another super interesting documentary. Then we went to a park and rested there for a while. I pulled out my book because “reading” had been one of my goals for the day. We read a few sections and then returned to his apartment because it had gotten dark and somewhat chilly (I had three sweatshirts on and was cold). We made dinner and were exhausted; it was already late.

Monday: Lingered too long over breakfast, which had so much variety. We did eggs with fresh, diced tomato in it, non-dairy yogurt, with some of his special jam mixed in, split an orange, had tea, and some sauerkraut, just because. One of the cats was crazy persistent in trying to snag my eggs away from me. She’d already eaten breakfast and even managed to sneak a bite of the other cat’s food. But you know cats.

So we were running later than I prefer, but we both made it to work all right. It was a busy, good day for me at work. I had lots of little tasks. Near the end of the day, a coworker gave me a task that needed to be done before I left, and had not given it to me earlier in the day because he didn’t think it would take me very long. But it involved many small numbers and I was being very cautious, so it took me a lot longer than he was expecting it would. SO in a way, it was good that I had shown up late to work, because I ended up having to stay quite late.

Then I bicycled home (OMG my legs are so tired; too much exercise lately), but made a stop at a grocery store I saw on the way. By the time I made it home, it was quite dark out. I made myself a sandwich complete with half a head of lettuce. I watched some TV with my uncle (what a horrible movie), and ran a load of laundry. I put away some of my belongings. I listened to more of my audiobook (it’s gotten really interesting). When I finally went to bed, I slept HARD. I don’t remember even having trouble falling asleep. I’m stretched kind of thin right now; I need to be more careful again this week.

(I’m tagging eczema just because I’ve been trying to deal with a particularly stubborn patch of eczema for about a week now.) Total Mood Ranking: 5-5.5-6.5