Complaint + Random

I’m behind on journaling.

But meanwhile, I am having insomnia tonight. So here I am. I got upset. Things can be up, then boom. But it’s been okay.

But I don’t have to tell you or justify. I don’t have to rationalize that in all of my silence, I’ve been fine, but now that I’m upset, I want to write. I don’t have to balance the equation. I am what I am, and in this moment, I’m upset.

There’s a move coming up. You guys might remember how well I handle that… /fall apart/

School is well. Busy busy. But I like those days. Structured. Busy. People I’m growing to know, a little bit. Certain people I’m getting to recognize and chat with over studying in the tutoring center, where I spend most of my weeks. It’s almost like making friends, but we’re all busy and don’t have time to meet elsewhere in the city.

I’m sitting in an amazing place. I can’t describe it. I’m in the heart of the city in a modern, top-notch building and I stayed emotionally detached for a couple of months, thinking of it as His and Yours. I was just happening here to spend my time with my bf. But now, now that my bed is here is here and I’ve moved a bit more of my stuff in, and I’ve paid some rent and re-organized parts of the kitchen, and kept the shower and sinks clean. Now it’s mine too. And I’ve grown attached to the streets and the views and the amazing space. I’ll never live in a space this nice again; you’d have to see it and the views and the location to know what I’m referring to. I’ll never be this close to public transport or grocery stores again. Now, now that my bf has set his mind to leaving (he was unsure at first and I encouraged him toward leaving, due to the rent$$). Now that he’s certain of leaving, I’ve realized, I LOVE this place. I’ve even learned a few of the streets.

Oh well. It wasn’t a place I would have chosen at first; I certainly couldn’t afford it rationally. But damn. I’ll miss this. Oops, I’ve woken my bf. I have a cat on my lap.

I’ve been sleeping well lately, but tonight, no go. Partly, I’m in pain. I had some yuck food earlier, I think. Stomach ache, but mostly muscle aches and pains. I was exhausted today. One of the ladies I study with even told me so when I first approached the table; that I look exhausted. Yep. That’s because I didn’t have school yesterday and unstructured days are not my best days.

School days are great.

Hey, I have an opportunity to quit my job. I have chickened out so far. But now it’s right out in the open; I can just give the word that even Fridays are too much for me. THEY ARE. But the money… the money… is hard to give up. But commuting to another city each Friday and catching up on a week’s worth of chores and work has been difficult. Not impossible task-wise, but mentally difficult. Exhausting.

Or rather, I’m likely just still exhausted. I’ve been feeling better since getting to increase my thyroid dose nearly back up to where it used to be. I spent years and years at 100 mcg. My doctor said my tests were borderline high and she is worried about future osteoporosis, so wanted me to try 88 mcg instead. I did that for like… a month? And started to lose motivation! And energy. And drive. And the ability or motivation to do anything, even walk to the grocery store. It was getting bad, but I was still studying. I suspect it’s partly the placebo effect, because AS SOON AS I got permission to take a 100 mcg again, I felt improved THAT SAME DAY. ūüôā ¬†So I am alternating now — 88, then 100, 88, 100 etc. It does seem to affect my heartbeat at the higher dose, unfortunately. I forgot to mention that was another reason for going down on it. I can’t count how many times my heart has done odd beats today alone.

This isn’t to mention that we have to move in less than a month. We probably won’t find anything that fast, not here. So the backup plan is to move in with his dad, who always rents certain rooms of the house. It wouldn’t be free and would be temporary. But I’m concerned about space issues; the kitchen is very small and also, I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn’t feel comfortable touching anything there. I wouldn’t feel on a level playing field, you know? It wouldn’t be the same as finding roommates. I like his dad and I love the location, except it’s not that close to the public transport or grocery stores. But the area is beautiful and neighborhood feels fairly safe, which is important. But the space, again, would my stuff fit into the room? Would we put together my bed and wardrobe there, knowing it would be temporary? So many unknowns.

I knit for a while this evening. It was nice. I’m paranoid/ fairly certain that my bf’s roommate’s gf doesn’t like me. I don’t think I’ve done or said anything offensive, but yet she definitely doesn’t talk with me or make eye contact. I might just be being paranoid. Or she just doesn’t like me.

And should I care? Really? Of course I had an image in mind where the four of us get along and we can even watch a DVD together or some such thing that won’t happen in the next less than a month, but / Got distracted. I’ve been listening to, “Welcome to Night Vale” a lot lately. I’m relistening to an episode right now. I’ve been trying to sooth myself since I got upset earlier. Hence why I’m (finally) typing on here again, too.

I zoned out again. I took some anti-anxiety medicine just before starting to type, too. It must be kicking in now. Yay. I haven’t said what upset me. It was a single spoken sentence. Hmm. Maybe it was 2 sentences, or one sentece with a semi-colon. No matter. It’ll be sorted out tomorrow; I just didn’t want to deal with it tonight.

Kitty is so soft and sweet. Man did she get excited when I came out here to the sofa with my laptop. She’s kneading on me right now. But I’m winding down, and then she and the other kitty will have these rooms to themselves again.

I don’t really want to stop typing. The sound and spring of the keys is very soothing. But I do need to lay down and pretend to be sleeping until it becomes a reality. Well, goodnight all.

Woop, zoning out again. (Listening to Welcome to Night Vale). So. Goodnight, all. Kindly do not judge me or my life. Kindly remember I only come here when I’m upset or emotions run high for one reason or another. It is not a full and balanced view of my life. Etc etc. Goodnight, all.

Log: Aug 20 – Sep 11 (Thu – Fri) SCHOOL and life

This log is for Aug 20 – Sep 11. I’ll be as brief as possible. A LOT has happened but I’m so consumed by school right now, I just haven’t had the chance to write or do anything else at all, really.

Aug 20, R: School. Work. Stayed late, talking with someone from another company in the building. Ate out w/Peter (actually, he picked up food for us and we technically ate it at home) when we both got home; it was very late by then.

Aug 21, F: Work. Peter worked from home in order to be there when the furniture was dropped off. It seems like SO long ago now. SO long ago. That was my wardrobe and our new bed. It all arrived in many boxes. It looks like we ate out for dinner; I must have gotten back late again.

Aug 22, Sat: Put together wardrobe and …? Dinner w/ Peter’s folks, I believe.
Aug 23, Sun: Put together wardrobe and …? Cat sitting still

Aug 24, M: School. Brother in Fiji with his gf. Fell asleep in class inspite of caffeine. Went to get keys for another cat-sitting job; ate out there (it had gotten late again).

Aug 25, T: School. Work, I think. I learned what a percent sign means. You can laugh, but I’m serious.

Aug 26, W: Falling asleep in school again. Math homework and Accounting homework.

Aug 27, R: School. Work. I went home while Peter cat-sat until very late; the cat was too upset to keep food down at first, so Peter had to stay many hours until he was calm enough to eat and play a little.

Aug 28, F: Work. Went to Aunt and Uncle’s house for a while afterward. Then home.

Aug 29 + 30, Sat+Sun: Went on an overnight road trip with Peter, his mom, his sister and her bf. Very fun and many neat beaches! Peter quizzed me on Accounting when we were in the car.

Aug 31, M: My first Accounting test. I got a 90% on it. Termination dust has arrived for my folks, who live so far away from me. I took some really cute selfies of me and one of the cats.

Sep 1, T: School. Worked from home (really only had to do some faxing). Pollen is killing my sinuses.

Sep 2, W: School. Couldn’t stop bugging Peter because he seemed ‘off’ and I couldn’t stop worrying. He had a virus or something. I kept trying to figure out how it was my fault that he wasn’t feeling well. It’s a sickness in me. I need to get that under control!!! Stayed at school until late, doing more homework.

Sep 3, R: School. Peter took the day as a Sick Day. After my classes, I took the train to my workplace but ate at a restaurant before starting work. I had a margarita¬†and work was much better then. Ate dinner out, too. Feel terribly guilty and anxious for eating out so frequently lately, but we’re getting home so late & I’ve been too tired to think of helping cook.

Sep 4, F: Work. Peter had the day off and came with me. He did work and such while I worked. We went to my aunt & uncle’s afterward.

Sep 5+6, Sat+Sun: Saturday…I can’t recall. Sunday, I did more homework with Peter’s help. Then we hurriedly got ingredients and made the dish I’d promised for the BBQ that evening at my aunt & uncle’s house. My aunt and uncle were there, as well as my brother and his gf. It’s kind of stressful. I don’t know how to be around everyone. My uncle is one way, my brother is another way. My aunt is another way. I get confused.

Sep 7, M: Looks like it was a major study day for me.

Sep 8, T:¬†School. My first real Math exam! I got a 100%! I didn’t feel happy or anything upon doing so well. I’m worried that I’m depressed.¬†Then remembered I had an Accounting test the next day, and absolutely panicked. Peter helped me for hours to study for the test and try to remember all of the homeworks I’ve done for it, but I was panicking so much, my mind was a complete blank. I think this is when I decided Peter must be getting really frustrated with me. And started obsessing that all of this study time together would change our relationship dynamic and put him as a tutor and me as a student instead of 2 people in an equal relationship.

Sep 9, W:¬†School. My 2nd Accounting test. I got a 100% but was shaking the whole time. I blame part of that on the cup of coffee that morning — since then, I’m off coffee. Stayed at school late, doing homework. Helped make a simple pasta dinner.

Sep 10, R: School. I finally got caught up in one of my computer classes! FINALLY! I worked from home again, thanks to remote access to my work computer! WHEW. I’m too exhausted to keep doing the back-and-forth between school and work — they are not in the same city. I don’t know how people do it. Anyway, after school, I got AHEAD in my Math homework! Yay! But last night, as we were trying to fall asleep, I started to nit-pick on Peter. I don’t know what was bugging me. I started saying how I felt like we were not talking much lately (I meant about serious or relationship things, or something), and I felt emotionally disconnected, etc. I then said something else picky that came out really hurtful. I think that deep down, I am having very bad anxiety issues lately, and so I can’t feel content. I feel like something must be wrong. I have tons and tons and tons of body anxiety and sickness anxiety and I’m terrified to tell anyone in my real life because I don’t want to be [insert a better word for ‘diminished’]. I don’t want people to label me the very stigmatized word of hypochondria. But I have a bad anxiety disorder flairing up right now and don’t know what to do about it.

Sep 11, F: Work today. It hasn’t been busy today. I probably could have left hours ago, but since it’s the only day I’ve come to the office all week, I figured I should stay the whole time. I am sick today with a head cold. I’ve had a sore throat for a week. I thought it was allergies (pollen + cats). For three nights, I’ve had a TERRIBLE time sleeping. I was actually sleeping okay for a while there. But right now, terrible insomnia, and restless leg. The minute my legs stop moving, I start to feel panic and the burning and urge to MOVE them again. I’ve slept on the floor twice again (we haven’t had the time to put the bed together, yet). I’ll post this although I won’t be able to add the many pictures until later, from a different computer.

Things On My Mind

Pink Flowers

Pink Flowers

  • Dog sitting on Saturday. I don’t know what that’s going to look like yet – it will be at or near Peter’s apartment / nearby parks, assumedly.
  • Therapy. Will I continue seeing my current therapist? She has been helpful. But it is hard to get out to that city lately, and will become more so. And she will not be in-network for my new insurance.
  • Health insurance. I’ve applied for a new health insurance. It’s through Peter’s work. Apparently I have been accepted, but have yet to receive a card. Apparently it will backdate to the start of August, when I first applied.
  • Health insurance. How in !@$# am I going to get my money back for August for my COBRA health insurance? I’ve already paid them $785.66 for this month. They will drop-kick me the instant they catch whiff of me applying for different insurance, so perhaps they will return my August premium.
  • My belongings. So I’m going to need to clear out all of my things from my aunt and uncle’s place and officially move in with Peter. I really hope that the wardrobe we picked out is going to fit all of my stuff. I’m to clear out all of my painting supplies, too. I hope that having them handy will inspire me to start painting again.
  • Rent. Once I’m officially moved in with Peter and his roommate, I’m going to start¬†contributing to rent. This scares the living daylights out of me. Every time I think about it, my palms start sweating. I think last time Peter did the math for it, he suggested that $500/month would be appropriate. It’s not to lower it for him but for his roommate, since I’m using part of the shared space and all that. But I know what their full rent is and I can do the math and believe me, that is not the full 1/3 amount. That’s not even 1/4. Nor 1/5, 1/6, 1/7… I could go on but I won’t. So trust me. The idea scares the bejeepers out of me. I’m glad their lease is up in December. So the thing is, I’ll only be able to afford contributing toward rent once the new health insurance kicks in — it will be saving me more than that in premiums.
  • Work. So I absolutely do not qualify for student work on campus. However, it doesn’t matter right now, because I am not unemployed. It turns out that my work has not found a replacement for me yet. So I am invited to continue working as much as my schedule will allow — which is Tuesday and Thursday after 1:20 pm, and all day on Friday. I’m anxious about having to commute this direction after school on Tue + Thu, but I’m also relieved to maintain having some kind of income for now!!! I dropped one of my classes (the music class) to make sure I’d be able to work on Tuesday. But I also dropped it because the idea of three classes that day was starting to overwhelm me — I don’t think it was a good plan. And the amount of reading it required was incredible – more than any of the other classes.
  • School. OMG. What’s stressing me out is that I am supposed to introduce myself to each instructor right away and ask them to read the request for a note-taker for me (yay Disability Support Services!). But the idea of trying to pin down an instructor before the first class is pretty nerve-wracking. I’m not too scared of the reading at present — I have access to audio for 3 of my textbooks and will soon have access to the 4th. I’m terrified of homework — I just don’t have a good track record for actually doing homework. But, I’m older & wiser now, and I know how to work WITH myself a lot more than in the past (as opposed to against myself), so I have a much better chance of succeeding now. For sure.
  • Hobbies. I have not participated in ANY of my hobbies or side interests as of late (except for photography). Maybe this isn’t entirely true, because I’ve gone on some walks and watched 2 funny videos and have done my budgeting. But anyway, this is because I am feeling SO MUCH PRESSURE from the impending start of classes. Once I have my new schedule, I think things will go smoothly.
  • Relationship. This is moving awfully fast in two ways: Officially moving in with Peter, and going onto his work’s health insurance as an unmarried domestic partner of the opposite sex (they have that category). This is a little out of my comfort zone, to be honest. It is bringing up a LOT of baggage for me, in the form of flashbacks, memories, weird dreams, remorse, sorrowful memories of specific time periods I DON’T want to recall. Etc. I’m trying to keep a lid on it but I’m going to need to deal with it in a healthy way when I can. I haven’t shared all of these specifics details, but he’s suggesting we go to couples therapy, which I think is a brilliant idea. I just need that insurance card so I can get the in-network list… ūüėõ
  • My pony. What am going to do with my pony??? I can’t keep paying for my pony! But I am hesitate to part with her, too. I haven’t seen her in over a year! I am just paying every month for her care and I don’t know when I’ll ever see her again or what I’ll do with her. I can’t pay for a pony when I will hardly be working!
  • Work again. I’m also glad to stay on with this company for now, because I am very familiar with the people and systems now. It can be stressful for me at times, but the thought of a new, minimum-wage job is even scarier. Also, my tie to my uncle might be broken once I’m entirely gone from this job. Particularly when I’m having to move all of my stuff out soon. My brother had told him that I’m moving in with Peter (for the insurance, he thinks). They think I’m just using the system. Oy. It will be hard to stay in contact with my uncle, I think. He doesn’t really respond to text messages. Maybe I’ll have to call him every now and then, or show up sometimes on the weekend. I don’t know yet.
  • OCD. My OCD has been acting up, assumedly from increased stress. I’ve been getting some intrusive thoughts and an inability to get past certain thoughts/ they just keep repeating in my head, over and over again. This’ll go away once I’m into the new school schedule, though. But OMG it does not help matters right now.
  • Mood. At least my mood seems to be stable again now. I had even called my doctor to tell her about my extreme crabbiness and even worse exhaustion in the morning. But she is hesitant to raise my thyroid level back up, because I guess that will increase the amount of bone loss for me in the future, since my thyroid level was running kind of high before. But I’m starting to feel okay again, and I even felt like a slept mostly okay last night. I did stall for an hour in getting out of bed, but that was more from my old anxiety than from exhaustion this morning. Things will be easier once I’m into the new school schedule. It’s hard to be looking at it from the top of the cliff.

Log: Aug 05 – Aug 14 (Wed – Fri): A LOT of change

Aug 05 (Wed): Work;
Aug 06 (Thu): School DSS appt!! 9:30am @location; Work 11:30am Р5:30pm;
Aug 07 (Fri): Work;
Aug 08 (Sat): ;
Aug 09 (Sun): ;
Aug 10 (Mon): Work;
Aug 11 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a; Work 10:30a Р12:30p; School appt
Aug 12 (Wed): Work;
Aug 13¬†(Thu):¬†Work; Uncle’s house
Aug 14 (Fri): Work;

Well, I’m behind! Let’s see what I can re-construct based off of text messages, photos, and emails.

Flowers

Flowers

Aug 5, Wed: I received photos and pictures of a dragonfly that took a 5-mile ride on my dad when he and my parents went walking through the woods. Peter and I both got home super late from work. I made myself some beans and rice and he was able to get some food before leaving work – he was super late due to something up at work, but he was able to fix it.

Aug 6, Thu: My appointment with the Disability Support Services at my new school took longer than I expected, but it was worth it! Not only did I get permission to audio-record lectures, but they rented me out a digital tape recorder for free, which is great because I lost mine and didn’t want to have to buy a new one.

Aug 7, Fri: This day started out humorously. For some reason, I refer to pre-ground coffee beans as “coffee grounds”. I never thought anything of it. But I went to a new coffee shop to buy these beans, and I asked for “grounds”. The rep looked at me as if I was very odd, and said no, they don’t sell those. They usually throw them away. Haha. I didn’t understand until I’d already left and went to the another coffee shop. This time I corrected myself and said grounds – I mean BEANS! Peter and I went to my aunt & uncle’s house after work. I had needed to pick up some mail that arrives for me there. We couldn’t stay the night, in part because I had left my medicine back at Peter’s place.

Cat Picture

Cat Picture

Aug 8, Sat: Peter and I were at his mom’s house the whole day (from breakfast until night). I got to meet a maternal uncle, who was fun to speak with. I received pictures of my parents and dog in the mountains, picking blueberries. I got to see a couple of pictures of my pony getting attention from some youngsters. I took tons of pictures of one of Peter’s mom’s cats in the setting sun light.

Aug 9, Sun: It must have been this day that my brother borrowed my uncle’s vehicle and tried to help me and Peter pick up some large furniture items (a wardrobe for me, and a bedframe of a larger size than his current one). But alas, their website had lied about the number of items in stock and so we couldn’t buy the furniture. We took my brother out to lunch for helping (or for trying to help).

Aug 10, Mon: Work. Was able to back-order the furniture. I cooked from a cookbook!, with Peter’s assistance (I get pretty overwhelmed after a certain number of steps).

Aug 11, Tue: Therapy, which is perhaps not going smoothly at the moment. Then learned that my 2nd-favorite bakery just shut their doors!!! So sad!!! I also decided (and got agreement from Peter) to make fabric napkins and some potholders, which we need. So one of these days, I get to head to a fabric store… I’d better decide the max amount to spend ahead of time!!! $$$ I worked for 2 hours. After work, I went back to the school.¬†I went through a meeting meant for people who can petition to receive financial aide (I wanted to participate in Work Study), but learned from the meeting that I absolutely cannot qualify because I have too many credits — it doesn’t matter that most of the credits are from over a decade ago. Oh well. I’ll explain why I say, “Oh, well” farther down this post! I also talked with someone about getting my 1 hardcopy textbook turned into audio, and it is no problem because they already had to do that book for someone else.

Pink Clouds

Pink Clouds

Aug 12, Wed: Work. Learned that my passport was approved after all. The problem had been that they only had half of my mailing address, somehow. Peter was in an odd(weak) mood and exceptionally exhausted. I think he was fighting off some kind of bug but he says he thinks it was something going on at work that is particularly stressful for him.

Aug 13, Thu: Work. Nobody showed up and I had no tasks. I slept for an hour under my desk. I’ve been playing some phone apps that help me remember my grade-school Math. ( I ‚̧ gamification ) I went to my uncle’s after work, to take some pictures of more items he’d like to sell. Peter worked from home for part of the day because he was still feeling so exhausted. He joined me at my uncle’s house anyway (although I had just finished and he sat on the porch while I got my bike and such, so my uncle actually never knew he was there!), and we ate out at my favorite Thai restaurant. Peter still seemed “off” to me. In case my nighttime kicking has been keeping him from sleeping at night, I slept on the floor again last night. I feel like I slept fairly well, although I remember waking up a couple of times. I must have tossed a lot because when I woke up, my sleeping bag zipper was now flipped to the other side!!

Aug 14, Fri:¬†Peter sounded a little bit more like himself this morning. Work. I don’t know what tonight will bring. If I can, perhaps I’ll cut work earlier, although in a way, this is like my last “real” day. But I’d like to go home early and pick up some groceries. I’d like to make a quick dinner tonight. I have the feeling of there being so much to do / SO MUCH TO GET DONE. This is likely because school starts on MONDAY!!!!! I haven’t been a full-time student for over a decade!! This is crazy.

I might submit this post and then write an additional post highlighting certain things not mentioned in the log because they are more nebulous.

Mood Range: 3.7 – 5

Log: Jul 11 – 15 (Sat – Wed) SLEEP DEPRIVATION

Jul 11 (Sat): BBQ!!! Family
Jul 12 (Sun):
Music in the park
Jul 13 (Mon):
Work
Jul 14 (Tue):
 Therapy 8:30a; Work 10:30a Р2:30p; Primary care dr appt 3:30p;
Jul 15 (Wed): Work

The following image shows my actual sleep logs. I’ll give you a hint: Dark blue means you’re not flailing around. Light blue means I’m restless/moving/waking up. Pink means I got up to pee for the fourth time or just moved around even more than the regular light blue moments. The number on the right is the amount of dark blue I totaled for the night. So it thinks I slept soundly for a total of 4 hr and 13 minutes last night.

My Recent Sleep Logs

My Recent Sleep Logs

Saturday: FAMILY AND FRIENDS BBQ at my aunt & uncle’s place. MUCH FUN. Stayed up way too late. Actually, come to think of it, I stayed up talking with Peter until 4:30 am.¬†After the BBQ, much chatting around and some amateur dancing, Peter and I went to bed but I started talking, and ended up sharing some of my childhood baggage and it lasted a long time. SLEEP DEFICIT CONTINUES.

Sunday: My herpes patch on the side of my nose returned (yeah, I never bothered to write about the first one in the first place. Rest assured, I now get oral herpes on the side of my nose. This is the second batch now).

But in cooler news, we did something really awesome with Peter’s folks at a park. It involved music. I unfortunately can’t be more specific. But really cool. We then had dinner with them and got back to Peter’s place very late. SLEEP DEFICIT CONTINUES.

Monday: Work. I can’t recall it very well now. I doubt I had many tasks. I think I got a few other chores done. Normally I stay Monday nights at my aunt & uncle’s house, so I can get to therapy first thing in the morning, but Peter and his roommate had finally chosen the day we were going to try the nearby Indian restaurant and I had been planning on joining them for two weeks (without a day chosen), so I decided to attend and Peter and I would just have to get up Tuesday morning at 6 am.

So we did. And the dinner was really good and I got to get to know his roommate just a tiny bit better (although I still understand him very little).

What came out of the blue was that one of Peter’s old friends from college years was in town and could meet at 10 pm. So we got back from dinner around 9 pm. I went immediately to the bed and crashed there, not sure if I’d try to join or not (I want to see how Peter is around his friends; that was a big eye-opener with my ex, so it’s important to me). So I tried to go into my “power-saving” mode for a while. I drifted in and out of sleep but also got heartburn since I laid down so soon after eating much Indian food. Then, between 10:30 and 11pm, the friend ended up having to cancel anyway, but by then I had insomnia and took extra time getting ready for bed, doing stretches, putting away a few of my things, etc. SLEEP DEFICIT WORSENS.

Tuesday: We had to get up early (well, *I* had to, and Peter chooses to join me, which I really appreciate). I was going to have to leave the apartment at 7:15am at the LATEST to make it to therapy on time. Somehow, this was accomplished, and it even involved eating breakfast with Peter (he made it while I got ready, which takes me ever so much longer than him). I skipped my shower for it.

I made it to therapy. I can’t say it was perhaps the most productive ever. I was crabby and didn’t want to discuss one of my more recent posts, which was about things I want to do, like the music and such, because that is overly personal for me. I can’t explain why I’m fine typing it here, but it’s nobody else’s business what’s inside of me for that. I suspect I’m just crabby from being tired. So then there was a lot of silence and I fell asleep like five times. Lovely.

Work… It was not busy. I don’t recall what I did, if anything. I drank a large mug of coffee.

I left work early for an appointment with my primary care doctor. I got my mandatory TB test, and I also discussed my sudden increase in acne and some other things I haven’t mentioned on here. She noticed my “rash” near my nose and asked if I wanted a swab for herpes… I said what’s the point. We both know it’s the oral herpes virus (which I blood-tested positive for last month, along with 80% of the rest of the population). She agreed it looked like it. I said I don’t want to spend any more money. It’s a pretty damn safe bet that it’s the herpes. She cautioned me not to kiss or anything, even though it’s up by my nose. Apparently my lips could be shedding the virus anyway. I wish I’d known that four weeks ago.

Oh, also, I’m going to be going down slightly on the my thyroid medicine. The last two bloodtests indicated that my thyroid levels are just touch high. In light of the bloodwork as well as recent heart palpitations and an inability to sleep, we’re going to try lowering the thyroid a touch. If it backfires, back up I’ll go. She wanted me to get bloodtested AGAIN first, but I pointed out that she’d already done a second test and it had showed the same upward trend as the previous. I can’t keep getting tested every time I have an appointment. I’m $900 in the red already this month. Thankfully, she agreed to lower the dose and I’ll get re-tested in six weeks.

So then I got back to Peter’s place and I pet one of the cats for a short time. Then I cooked some plain pasta. Then I waited for Peter to get home so we’d go to the grocery store and get some vegetables. I don’t recall the details, but we talked a lot when he first got home, so we didn’t end up leaving for the store immediately. Dinner took a while since all I’d done in advance was cook plain pasta noodles. He made up a bunch of fancy, delicious food to go with it. I washed spinach and carrots and sliced them up, although in the end he wasn’t in the mood for a salad. It’s funny, but he and I have pretty different eating tastes, I think. The things he could live on, I consider “rare treats”. The things I could live on, he would eat sparingly in the same way. But since we’re both contributing (as much as my exhaustion is allowing me right now), it’s working out just fine, IMO.

I’m too exhausted to continue pursuing the horse front right now. Sell my horse where she is, or bring her to me. If I bring her to me, I pay extra money each month, get to ride her on a beach and have SO MUCH FUN I can’t even picture it, but in the end should sell her anyway because of the continual drain on money. Financially, I should sell her where she is. But I’m too tired to allow myself any decisions on the topic right now. It’s on PAUSE.

So I got upset over something while at the grocery store yesterday. I’ll put it this way. He was super hungry and I was super exhausted by the time we were shopping. I was contemplating toothpaste ingredients and said out loud that¬†I couldn’t remember for sure, but I thought maybe it was the¬†SDS that I was allergic to, and he said he doubted that because that’s a foaming agent that’s in tons and tons of things. So I looked it up online and read some things listed as the common allergens in toothpastes and read some aloud and he said he felt like the website was just choosing any large word people wouldn’t recognize and say that that would be the allergen (he has a very chemist-y background and knows the chemical formulas and other names for each ingredient and their mechanisms of action and such). So I felt there was no point in continuing to speak on that topic so I asked if we could just change the topic. We did and I was able to perk up, but deep down I was stressed about it. He tried apologizing later if he’d come off cranky. But really, I’m so exhausted, everything everyone says to me right now is coming out looking BLACK and negative.

So after dinner, I just needed some Me time. I told him to just ignore me for the rest of the evening/night, and I was going to do the cleanup that night and plug in to my phone and just zone out into my own little world. That’s what I did. I cleaned up all the dishes and counters and stovetop and whatnot and listening to beautiful music and just ignored the whole world and it was wonderful. But what I really need is some fucking SLEEEEEEP. So, all that zoning out got me to a pretty late part of the evening/night. I’m starting to fall apart, I’m so tired. I took 1 mg of clonazepam and I feel like it helped a tiny bit.¬†TOO LITTLE SLEEP.

Wednesday: I had SUCH a hard, painful time getting up again. I’m at work. I got done what I needed to get done. I could probably leave now and not miss anything, but I’d better just stay, especially since I won’t have an income soon. I still feel grouchy.

MOOD RANKING: 4 – 5.1

Log: Jul 10 (Fri) Frustrated with customer service divisions

Jul 10 (Fri):¬†Work; Night at my uncle’s house

WHY can’t companies CALL ME BACK!!!!!! I am trying to get my shit DONE. I have a million loose ends and am so stumped by people not getting back with me. I leave voice mails and emails and get … silence. Gah.

Meanwhile, you could never imagine this. Hollywood couldn’t have come up with this plot:

For those who don’t know, I was briefly terminated from my health care coverage. This is because they never received my March check in the mail. I found out on June 1, but they said I was terminated as of May 1, because they were trying to put my June check into May, because of the 1 check gap… Well I could explain this all better but I don’t have a lot of time. Anyway, long story shorter, I appealed it, and also started to look into government health insurance. And I called up my bank and put a stop on the missing check. So while I went into appeals, they did not consider me terminated, although if they were to decide negatively against my appeals, then I would owe them for everything back starting on May 1.

Well, to get government health insurance, I would need to have my termination letter in hand and submitted by June 30. So I was waiting between June 1 and June 30 in suspense for my appeals to be decided upon by my COBRA provider. I was freaking out a bit. On June 30th, I finally started to beg and plead over the phone (I had been calling every week to check on my appeals anyway). They were able to get hold of the person in charge of making the appeal decisions, and my case was APPROVED. Whewph. My goodness, what a stressful time.

So on June 30, that same day, they somehow generate a letter that goes to my OLD address and under my OLD last name, saying I’ve lost insurance coverage due to a divorce. Um… Wha? I called the company immediately and the lady I spoke with had no idea how that letter had been generated, what it means, and suggested I ignore it.

I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!!

I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!!

Meanwhile, here where I live now, I get a letter ALSO dated June 30, that is a RETURN OF MY CHECK THAT STARTED THIS WHOLE CRAZY MADNESS IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!! They return it with a letter saying they couldn’t deposit it because there’s a stop on it. …. WHA..?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Seriously. What is wrong with this company???

They HAD the check this whole time?!?! So what has this all been about?!?! That check is from back in February, written for March, and I put a stop on it on June 1. Now I have it back. Anyway, on June 30, to my current address and correct last name, they also sent the letter saying I have coverage.

The. Fuck.

Okay. In other news. I’m going to my aunt & uncle’s tonight and will stay the night. I want to be there first thing in the morning tomorrow so I can help clean up (dust and vacuum and such) before the BBQ party! I’m going to SLEEP tonight; I’m planning on using an experimental sleep aid tonight. A few of you who have been with me from the beginning will know what I’m referring to. I used it once last week and that is the only night in a month where I’ve gotten any sleep (I’ve been using my sleep monitor again and the sights aren’t pretty).

Mood Ranking: 5

Log: Jul 7 – Jul 9 (Tue – Thu) Sleep is the Word

Jul 7 (Tue): Therapy 9:00a; Work 11:00a Р5:30p;
Jul 8 (Wed): Work; Rest
Jul 9 (Thu): Work; Chores

Lawn Daisy

Lawn Daisy

Tuesday: Therapy in the morning, then work. Then… Sheesh, I don’t remember. I was pretty tired. Busy days at work, which is great. I biked from therapy to work, and biked from work to the last possible train stop before there is no way of biking to Peter’s city. Then I got off the train as soon as possible and biked the rest of the way to his apartment. It was fun. I had too much antsy-type energy to go to bed that night, so we went on a night walk, and I was able to sleep when we got back. It was nice.

Wednesday: Work. It was really fun. I got to hand stamp 175 envelopes and stick the address labels and return address labels onto them. I like that kind of brainless, hands-on task. Then,¬†I accidentally stayed late, although I’d already clocked out. I stayed late to get personal things done, like updating my budget. I had to backtrack to mid-June, so it took quite a while to get caught up again. I’m like $3000 in the hole this month. I think all the health insurance confusion caught up with me, as well as applying to school and whatnot.

So I got home late, cooked up some casual food (just some pasta and leftovers; actually Peter reheated the leftovers and boiled the broccoli after I had finished washing & chopping it). I’m glad for that. I hope it doesn’t drive him crazy. I am happy washing and cutting, but the actual cooking still scares me. I have such a long history of over-under-burning-rubberizing-etc my foods. Yuck. Oh, well.

THEN the exciting parts comes in. It was already very late by this point, but I got a little sweeping in and then I got to do some of my paper filing, which was I was several months behind on. SUCH RELIEF to have some of my junk filed away. And I found a wardrobe thingy online that Peter also agreed to, so I might buy it within the next 7 days so I have a better way of storing my belongings. We’ve discussed beds but no resolution on that yet. Next, I just need to get up the nerve to talk with his roommate about getting permission to trim the tips off of one of his cat’s front toe nails (she’s ruining all of my clothes and draws blood from me all the time, just because she is very friendly and loves to be on/near me, but is very stupid with retracting her claws). She gets stuck on things all the time. She isn’t a cat who deserves extremely sharp claws. She doesn’t use them well. She is a perfect cat for a touch of nail trimming, and I’m very familiar with how to do it. She doesn’t mind me handling her paws at all; Peter says he used to do that a lot when she was a kitten, so she’d be good with it. But still… permission from owner is what I need next.

Curly Plant

Curly Plant

Thursday: Well, I’m at work, and have one task awaiting me, but it’ll just take about five minutes to complete. Then I’ll do the dishes and vacuuming. Perhaps by then I’ll have more tasks.

BUT in the meanwhile, I’ve been doing personal business all week. Today, I’ve contacted insurance yet again, because they sent me a termination letter to my OLD address under my OLD last name, and the letter itself was really weird. I called and they had no idea why the letter had been sent but told me to ignore it. … Hmm. *has feeling this could come back to bite me in the butt some day*

Yesterday, I tried to get all of my ducks in a row for work study at the new school, but they actually thwarted me by saying because I am not a summer student, I can’t get the TB testing until a week before Fall semester begins. They won’t let me apply for work study until I’ve had a TB test, which they offer for free… but I feel like the jobs will be taken by then. Somewhere close to¬†a zillion students attend¬†this school each semester.

P.S. Sleep is the Word, because… I have been EXHAUSTED this week. I mean EXHAUSTED!!!!! EXHAUSTED. I am trying to sleep better, but I think I’m stressed. I’ve been clenching my jaw all night again for about a month now. My to-do list is so big and although I’m crossing stuff off of it every day, more stuff is always being added. My acne is still getting worse every day and it’s driving me crazy. What’s with it?!?!

Mood Ranking of These Days: 4 – 5.2