Poem: Phoenix or Burn

If this is the time of the Phoenix,
things are going to change.
All that’s set is full with smoke and coals
choking and vision poor
But if it’s time, I peck and claw my way up through the rubble.

I’ll spread these fiery, glittering wings and prepare for flight
New lands coming fast.

Or I need to increase my Lexapro.

Advertisements

Poem: Why bother? Complacency.

Why fight?
When we can be stressed.

Why run, and change?
When we can stay and do nothing.

Why struggle? Why push and crowd? Why try to get to the front?
When you can find a lazy chair and kick up your feet and relax.

Why get bitter? Why spit venom? Why try to articulate all of the things that NEED FIXING?
When you can burrow your face into a book or newspaper and blot it all out instead.

Weaning off Lexapro: Days 89 – 124

Scraggly trees and a dark sunset with interestingly patterned clouds

Sunset through a pattern of gray clouds

Meds:

  • 5 mg Lexapro, normal thyroid meds
  • Vitamins if I remember (maybe a couple of times a week)
  • Exercise (walking, bicycling, skiing)

Symptoms:

  • ANGST
  • Irritability only with certain people (such as my bf)
  • Insomnia now that I’m back home
  • Longing
  • Feeling that something BIG is going to happen soon (CHANGE)
  • Confused. Torn. Mixed up.

Journal Items:

  • There’s no way for me to remember and write what has passed.
  • But I did go to my parents’ house. And spent time with my beloved, beloved dog, who has heart failure now. He’s living on borrowed time thanks to responding well to medicines. Every day he’s with us has always been and will remain a gift.
  • My dad’s going to turn 70? What? How?
  • Practicing music
  • Studying for class
  • Walking, very short walks with my dog, and longer walks with my mom
  • Skiing with my folks, and my bf when he came

The mountains, the snow, the smells, the sounds. The fresh air, the cold wind. The gravel, I could roll around in it and never get enough.

I miss it all so much. My heart stayed there. I’m a split person as I have been the whole time, but it’s more obvious right now. I’m dissociating mildly here right now. I’m not connected to this place. I don’t like living here.

But life is complicated and I have to let it slide in this moment of time. I believe the reduction of Lexapro from 20mg to 5mg has really made a large difference in me. I *feel* more like I used to feel, so long ago (I’ve been on Lexapro for over a decade). But that doesn’t mesh well with what’s around me today. I believe that the Lexapro put a bubble around me and I was okay with things I would never have been okay with before. It might reach back far enough to say that I wouldn’t have been married in the first place if I hadn’t been on Lexapro and had such drug-thickened skin. Life is weird.

LIFE IS REALLY, REALLY WEIRD!!!

I’m listening to this song all day today:
https://youtu.be/djEg4O3b2IU

Squirrel

Squirrel

Well, here I go. I’ll be away from the computer for a couple of weeks. I spent the entire day yesterday attempting to pack but it was overwhelming. Executive function for the … not win. Came in 200th, perhaps?

Anyway, I found a group of people that plays Pok√©monGO, so when I get back, I’ll be able to meet up with more people for the level 4 raids. Very exciting. Real, human people. I met them the other day and they gave me a plushie Pok√©ball because they had extra. I like this. They had a bag of battery packs on the ready in case anyone needed one. They’re prepared.

I need to stop picking at my acne. Bandaids are in play. The pictures are going to look awful.

One main issue outstanding: I never signed the paperwork over for my pony. If I die on this trip, there will be some contention over ownership, and that’s not what I want. I should at least write a non-legally-binding letter letting people know my intention to transfer her my pony.

Everything else? If I die, I don’t believe there is anything else that would be difficult to clear up. So, I just need to write out my letter of intention and I’ll be good to go on this trip with perhaps lighter shoulders.

Cheers, all.

Current song I love

I’m currently really into this song: “Pray to God” featuring HAIM, the Calvin Harris version (I’m assuming there’s an original but I haven’t heard it).

I don’t know what the song is supposed to be about but I’m happy with my more religious interpretation. Here is a lyrics video I found that matches the way I hear the lyrics, and then just go with the religious interpretation from there:

Poem: Not understood

I WISH I HAD WORDS

I’D DESCRIBE THE FEAR
                               EMPTINESS

BUT YOU WEREN’T THERE

    your words
         your words

you’ll never understand

in this, i am alone
with no proof now
my palms are empty
not one grain of sand left to fall

just a memory
         and vocal cords that can speak and sing
         and fingers with which to type
         and a hand with which to draw

it would take a great deal of time and tearing open of old scars
to explain this to you

— innerdragon

Poem: Happy Father’s Day

I don’t want to be apart from those I love
Any longer.
Homesickness comes in waves
They spread in and expand
The foam pops and crackles.

I don’t want to live away from those I love
Anymore.

I MISS you. I’ve been missing you too much
For days
The feeling has been hard to bear.

To clarify, I’ve been on an emotional
Rollercoaster
Which gradually inched its way uphill
But fell from the track, straight down
Free fall.

But now you’ve tripped
Stumbled
Fallen
Getting stitches in your swollen lip
And a CAT scan of your head
And few memories,
Again.

And I’m so far away.

I can’t give you a hug.
I can’t spend my every minute of every hour with you.

I want to be with you both again.