Ever since my thyroid dose was lowered, I’ve had a lot of trouble with my irritability. I can go from happy-happy-happy to anger in about a split nano second. Unfortunately, once I’m angry, it LASTS.
So all I can say for this week is… IF I were a wee bit toward bipolar, this would be my wee bit toward mania. I’m thinking back and finding that my physical weakness is what stops me from doing so much, and that’s a good thing.
Today, I actually got up “early” for me (it was 8 or 9 am, when my bf got up for work; it was a late start for him). I chatted with my phone via phone for 35 minutes (she was driving hands-free; the phone was hands-free, not the steering wheel). It was a fun conversation and my bf got ready for work. Afterward, I asked him what he’d like for breakfast. He had 15 minutes left before he had to leave. He suggested gf pancakes. I jumped up and started making them (I had a mix). They didn’t turn out (my batter was too thick; I kept waiting for the tops to bubble but they didn’t; the bottoms burnt up while I was waiting for the tops). Anyway, a few turned out all right so he ate and ran (the REALLY burnt ones didn’t take place until after he was gone and I was making the rest of the batter).
Anyway. Me cooking = pretty extreme. That doesn’t happen. Me, in a super cheerful mood, rushes upstairs and realizes I still have time to put away half of the clean laundry before taking my shower and heading to class. And I did so. I bicycled there and was on time. (Unheard of.) And I managed to have all of the bits and pieces organized for the day. [THIS HAS BEEN NOT HAPPENING WELL LATELY. I have a different schedule each day and have been grabbing or not grabbing things very poorly for the day.] I also planned to maybe bike to the beach after school.
After class, I was hungry. I ate a snack bar and went to a food place on campus to search for food. No luck. So I was still playing with this idea to bike to the ocean. And find a taco place on the way. So I swapped out my bike locks so my lighter two were in my bag and my heavy one is left on campus (when you see random locks left on posts and such — no longer assume they are left there by people whose tires were stolen; it could be left there by people who park there frequently enough and don’t want to drag the weight back and forth with them anymore). The bike shop guy told me about that. So anyway. I packed up from school and headed out toward the ocean. Yeah. Awesome. This crazy city has bike routes every which way, it seems. I really don’t understand why more people don’t bicycle around here.
So I made it to the BEACH!!! It was SOOOO WINDY. I was being PELTED in the face with sand. It kind of stung. But I saw some sanderlings down along the water line and wanted to photograph them, so I dragged my bike down through the sand, do or die. And then pushed/walked my bike along the shore for a while. Then discovered the bike paths up above the shore. The sand blasting was worse up there but I stayed and rode along there for quite a while. Eventually I went back toward home but stopped first at a bike shop:
“How much would you charge to clean the sand out of my gears??? It’s making an awful sound…” haha. It turned out my break pads needed to be replaced as well as my stretched chain. (I’D FORGOTTEN THAT YOU NEED TO REPLACE YOUR CHAIN EVERY half year or year or however hard you ride your bike. It’s really important because when it gets stretched, it then doesn’t fit on the cogs as well and starts to wear them down. Eventually you’ll need expensive fixes all because you didn’t just buy a new chain once or twice a year!!!) So yeah. Today was expensive.
But I’ve got to tell you. My bike is riding so much more smoothly now and my breaks are amazing. LOL
Hey so in light of this feeling awfully suspiciously like an innerdragon wee bit of mania phase (my body ran out of the ability to move so I just sat in the bike shop for 1.5 hours while they worked on it), I took my PRN night medicine. It’s for sleep but it’s technically an anti-anxiety medicine. But I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I keep waking up very alert. Last night, I couldn’t fall asleep because my OCD flared up and I couldn’t get past this loop of this one thought that played over and over and over again in my head and was making me really mad at my bf. (It was something trivial along the same lines of when people squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle or something. I literally don’t recall what it was anymore – that’s how unimportant it was. But OBSESSIVE THINKING OBSESSIVE THINKING. I couldn’t get my mind to switch to a new topic. Anyway, I don’t want to think about it.) Tonight, I’m going to sleep. This medicine is prescribed originally for my restless leg syndrome but it also helps me fall asleep and stay asleep. And that I can think more clearly without being stopped constantly by anxiety is a wonderful side effect.
Oh yeah. So I’ve already had dinner (bf’s mother saved me a portion of salmon! I had some more things as well). I’ve watched a bit of TV with her this evening. Now I’ve run another load of laundry (bedding and a towel this time) AND put away everything. Bf’s clothes, my clothes, and remade the bed. I’m just waiting now to see if he notices. He’s not always observant about certain things. I think if I left the pillows on top of the clean sheet, he’ll notice, but if I tuck them back under as usual, then maybe he won’t notice. Ah the way we entertain ourselves in life.
One of my beloved cousins in visiting my folks right now. I have a beloved photo of my baby dog greeting her gently, her with suitcases still in hand. ❤ My old man baby dog. He may have something serious wrong with him health-wise but the vets haven’t ruled out that maybe it is something that can be corrected with diet changes. So he is on a new diet and loving it. But is still skin and bones, my poor baby. It is hard to be away from him. No moment spent with him was ever or could ever be a wasted moment.
Oh yeah so back to the sleep medicine. I’m on this and it’s fully kicked in. I decided it was called for because at this point, I obviously could only benefit from something grounding like a solid sleep. Tomorrow, I need to focus on studying. I played today.
I spoke with my professor after class today. I have him for two classes — one is a daytime class and I always attend and stay caught up and try to participate when I can. The other is a night class and my attendance has been terrible. Not just terrible — but often I don’t show up, and all other times I show up late. (Until last week) I have been staying caught up at home but then avoiding going to class anyway. This is because it’s a night class and across the city. It doesn’t take any longer to get there than to get to my usual classes, but mentally it’s much harder. And I’ve been getting anxious about it days in advance. Basically from one class to the next. If I think about the subject, I’m fine. If I think about the professor, I’m fine. If I think about the location, not fine. If I think about the time of night, not fine. And my boyfriend has even been meeting me after he gets off of work and taking the bus back home with me. Plus I have two friends in the class (that’s why I thought it might be okay to take this class in the first place). But no. Every Wednesday comes and I feel completely incapable of going. It’s more like just lie on my bed and try to conserve energy for the night class, and feel more and more anxious all the while.
Anyway, so I spoke with my professor about it and he says that he can see I try hard and am a good student. He’ll be fine with me NOT attending the class in-person anymore! I can do all of the work at home and submit it, and come to his normal office hours when I need help!!!!! I wanted to give him a hug. For the day of our final, he is going to be on my normal campus, I can hang around there for a bit and then take the bus with him straight to the night class. So I won’t be trying to travel alone in the evening, and will get to the final on time! Yay!!! That is pretty darn amazing.
Okay, this is half joke, a quarter revenge and a quarter serious.
TARGET GOAL: 67 avoided bus rides
Joke: I just learned about “Sunk Costs” in Accounting
Revenge: I had to pay a bogus citation plus a HUGE late fee (okay, the late part was my own fault). The citation was for allegedly not swiping my card on a bus. But in truth, I did swipe it but the reader was busted. I protested it unsuccessfully through writing. Then I gathered tons of documentation and things for an in-person hearing but took them downtown 4 days late. My fault but the late fee was HUGE. Ridiculous. For a bogus citation. So I’m going to make back the money by not using them for my regular routes.
Serious: I do want to spend less on transportation.
My updates to the remaining number of avoided bus rides will be in the COMMENTS to this post, because that’s easiest for me to update when out and about. It’ll be a “stickied” post on my front page until I complete the 67 avoided bus rides.
I couldn’t let you know ahead of time but I went Home (my parents and dog) recently. I’m back home (bf, school) now but I made it and it was wonderful. I can’t say much tonight; I’m going to go to bed very shortly.
There was much skiing and walking and such. I mean much. Every day.
So now that I’m back, I don’t want to lose that momentum. So I went to the bike shop after school yesterday and got my bike all fixed up (there were some things wrong). I also bought yet another lock. Two, actually. One is just to hold my seat on. The other is a fricking expensive but light-weight u-lock for my frame. City living…
So I biked to school today. That was pretty rough. I had to walk two hills on the return trip. It was a total of 9 miles and not flat enough for me. And my anti-persperant definitely couldn’t hold up… Plus I had jogging class. Apologies to the folks who sat near me at the tutoring center today.
It’s hard to be away from my parents and my dog. It’s interesting what kinds of things I have such strong emotional attachments to and what I can now part with. I parted with some more clothing. Even a black sweatshirt I had held onto for maybe close to two decades even though it had shrunk and was too small for me. But for many years, it held sand from an old Hawaii trip in its pockets, even after numerous washes. It was very sentimental for me. But I was able to part with it.
Then there were things in my childhood bedroom that had been rearranged and I was actually able to rearrange certain things, too. That’s pretty big for me. Certain shelves had to be kept in a certain arrangement or else I would experience intense anxiety due to OCD. It would feel that my luck would change and I would get terminally ill or those I loved could get terminally ill or injured. But it was not so bad this time around.
That is not to say I was able to part with all sorts of things. There is still so much I’m hanging onto and I wish I could let them go. But I won’t despair; it seems that things have been getting a little easier each time. So perhaps next time I am there, I can part with a few more things. And so on.
Anyway, I really need to go to sleep. One thing I did not get a lot of was good-quality sleep. For one thing, I was sometimes very sore and didn’t take pain medicine and thus didn’t sleep well. For another, there was a headboard I wasn’t used to and kept bonking my head into it.
Oh, but being with my parents and dog was WONDERFUL WONDERFUL WONDERFUL. There is so much I could say and tell about.
You’ll have to use your imagination for the ladybugs, snails, spider, butterflies, etc. They didn’t photograph well. Also, she’s supposed to be smiling, but it didn’t come out. And the tree is mostly made of hearts. I had fun with this one… I was inspired by watching some Bob Ross videos. This is MY world.
(Don’t mind the “sticker” — I just needed to cover something up.)
Also don’t mind the accidental “2015” date.
A few points:
- I decided to decline the potential apartment. So we’ll keep looking for something closer to public transit.
- It’s the holiday time. I don’t know what that means here. It sort of crept up on me. I haven’t sent out presents for anything yet, although I knew what I wanted to get people for a little while.
- There are several relatives related to my bf staying here this week. We hung out with them for most of yesterday.
- We would have hung out with them most of today but I actually declined. My bf went and joined them for lunch but is back now. I declined because there’s going to be a big dinner event tonight, including them, with other people as well, and I can’t do social nonstop without becoming too exhausted. So I stayed home so far today and it’s been great. I practiced piano for a long time. I’m running some laundry. I went jogging again and did really, really well! I jogged most of the way there and even a good chunk of the way back! I’m slow as molasses but it’s great.
- I’ve listened to several more episodes of “Welcome to Night Vale”.
- I need to iron out my schedule for the upcoming semester.
- Tonight, I don’t know how soon, I will be picked up for the group dinner. I think there is another group dinner tomorrow. I’m glad I took some non-social time for myself today.
- I do wish I had sent out presents to my parents. I know what I want to get them both but still haven’t sent them. Ah well. I just hate picturing them on a day I like to think of as traditional and have them with nothing to open. Not that that’s the meaning of Christmas or that they even celebrate it particularly, but I still dislike the thought.
- My own tradition, which was started last year, will be FaceTiming with my parents and singing carols with them. Apparently my bf’s family will do that here, as well. So I’m glad, because I like to have *something* that is traditional for me. It’s hard to know what to do for traditional days when you are in a new location with people whose traditions you don’t yet know.
- On Christmas Day, my parents and I always opened gifts and then went skiing in the woods outside of their house. I can’t do that here. What will I do instead? Maybe I can go to the beach, if public transit is running. Or a walk in the woods, or at a park. Something outdoors. It’s typically been with family but I’m willing to go alone.
- I believe I did hear mention of certain guests considering attending Star Wars in theatre that day, but I can’t do that. I mean, I don’t want to do that, so I won’t. I could do a little walk if they do that, which would be a good time for it.
- But who knows what plans will take shape. There are MANY DOMINANT PERSONALITIES here right now and let me tell you, plans are not formed easily. There is so much bickering and contention and whatever, it’s easiest for me to consider having no opinions or desires and just GO WITH THE FLOW for now!
- I’m going to go. I had a great jog today, remember. 😉
- I’m not as severely depressed as of late… MAYBE IT REALLY WAS PARTLY SCHOOL STRESS!!!!!!!!!! This is not to say I don’t get super down and unmotivated sometimes, but it’s not the same.
- My bf and I are going to be cat-sitting for my old kitties!!! (The ones I used to live with around here) Cool.
I am really amazed that I can already tell a difference in my jogging attempt just from several days of doing it! My calves were sore for the first two days but even that is better already. It’s really amazing. Now I’m talking I count any kind of progress because I’m Ground 0 for jogging. If I jog 3 out of 30 minutes and walk the rest of the time, I’m fine with that. I’m ECSTATIC by the 3 minutes, in fact.
But today, I jogged most of the way to the icecream shop! I can’t believe it! I jogged part of the way back but my exercise-induced-asthma intervened. That’s fine. I am astounded that my asthma intervened as opposed to my leg or other muscles. It’s amazing.
And the asthma is of no concern to me — it’s perfectly normal for me because I’m living around 2 cats, which I’m allergic to. So of course I’ll get asthma when exercising. When I owned a pony, it was the same exchange. I get the joy of living with animals, which enrich my life. In exchange, I can only exercise so much before my lungs refuse additional air and I have to stop for a while or keep very slow.
But I can’t stress how amazing it is that I went as far as I did without needing to stop today. The icecream shop isn’t far by “real” joggers’ standards. Oh! I looked it up — it’s half a mile! That’s awesome! Hot dog. My blood pressure complained to me while jogging — things going dim and such. But I’m going to keep doing this and see if that improves.
I got my bloodwork results back today, finally. The vitamins + such appear to be within normal range. B12 was high (I had taken a sublingual sometime that week, which probably effected it). Vit D was within normal but at the lowest end. I’ve been taking a supplement since then and I do feel a bit better from it. But everything else was right smack in the normal ranges, so my exhaustion is caused from something else. The endocrinologist will want to refer me to a neurologist now. I’m debating. (These things cost money, y’o!)
Jun 30 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a; Work 10:30a – 6:15p; Free music performance 8p
Jul 1 (Wed): Work 9:30a – 5:30p
Jul 2 (Thu): Work 8:07a – 6:30p; Free music performance 8p
Jul 3 (Fri): Work 11a – 5:30p
I’m not going to separate out these days. But on Tuesday and Thursday, Peter & I did attend the free music performances in the evening! I’m so glad. My favorite music teacher was playing!!! Next year, I’ll sign up for the music workshops in advance.
I’ve gotten so much done this week. But there are two things I need to do still. One is something for work. The other is to turn in my letter of resignation to my bosses. I’m so afraid of doing that. I’ve already written the letter but I can’t bring myself to turn it in. I had mentioned to my uncle a week or two ago that I was seriously considering taking classes this fall, he suggested I look into the nearby college by my workplace because they offer evening classes… So then I chickened out telling him that it’s going to involve me quitting work.
I have to be brave. It’ll give him over a month to find a replacement. But I have to actually let him know, so he can start looking.
Meanwhile, I called my health insurance again on the last possible day I could hope to apply for the government health care program, and they were able to contact the woman who makes decisions about appeals, and she looked at my case and APPROVED IT. So I HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE. Hallelujah!!!
Then yesterday, I finally called the college where I’m trying to sign up for the fall classes, and they searched their emails to find my paperwork, found it, scanned it over with me on the phone, and approved it, too!!!!! So my English waiver got approved and I was able to sign up for the core class I previously couldn’t register for!!!! Yay. So I’ve got my class schedule all set now. Then I went and applied for the FAFSA stuff so that I can hopefully qualify for a little bit of Work Study, I’m hoping for Friday morning. That would get me on the campus on Fridays and give me the rest of the day there to do homework.
One thing about me: I do not. do homework. at home.
I’d love to. But belieeeevvveee me, it doesn’t happen. I don’t have the discipline or focus. So I’ve set my entire schedule up to be morning classes M – R, and the rest of the day, I will stay on campus to do homework until dinner time, when I’ll go home. Pretty damn exciting stuff. I’ve signed up for more credits than I could normally handle (14), but two of the classes should be really easy for me — they are computer stuff that I have done before, but don’t know enough of the fancy formulas in Excel and whatnot to test out of them. So I have to take the classes to get the certificate I want. So meanwhile, I’ve also signed up for a small vocal ensemble group course! It’s 3 hours once a week, but I think I will love it so much. I absolutely love singing with other voices, and I wanted a little more focus than you’d get with a large choir. It’s only 1 credit, but 3 hours straight is pretty heavy.