Wow, it’s the 16th day? That means I didn’t go down another 5mg when I was supposed to (after 2 weeks, so that would have been yesterday-ish). Close enough. And let me tell you, this is more scary now than before, after I had two intense days of anger (which I tend to then turn inward into hopelessness).
15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
iron tablet, multivite tablet
exercise (walking & a little dancing & a little weights)
Kind of pessimistic outlook but not upset or anything
I painted yesterday evening. I wish I could share it on here. It’s perfect for a Homesick person. I’m not angry anymore (like I was yesterday and the day before). But I’m pretty scared for the upcoming days, if I really do start to reduce my Lexapro again tomorrow morning. Oh, man. The part that I look forward to is the one dose of Prozac. Last time, that took away all of my anxiety the next day! That was miraculous and I’d love to have that every day. You really can’t appreciate how debilitating anxiety is until you have a space without it. Those so-called “normal” humans have no idea. No idea, at all. I begrudge them.
Oh, also, my psychiatrist wrote me back a very kind message in response to what I sent yesterday when I was quite angry and had let her know what had upset me so much during our appointment. UPDATE: Just to clarify, I had been angry with my psychiatrist but that is different from what I was angry at yesterday & the day before. That latter anger went away either last night after painting, or during the night, or this morning.
Dreamt that my old obsession returned (OCD), but it didn’t bother me at all during the day, so I think it was just fear, not the actual obsession
My friend “Joe” said that my face seemed much more animated than ever before, as if my brain is sending signals to different facial muscles than when I’m on the 20mg, and he was shocked by it (like, hadn’t expected to notice any physical changes on this drug experient)
Today was my day of the week that I Pokéwalk with “Joe”. I had totally normal energy levels and stamina. I didn’t find it hard to maintain conversations or feel withdrawn. It was good.
Still in a secretive, private mood, craving solitude
Fingertips a bit tingly
I bicycled for a couple of hours today. I went slowly and took many stops. It was lovely, the weather was perfect, except the air quality was poor, so I didn’t want to work hard and potentially give myself asthma. I went through a lovely park and around some lakes. I stayed out past dark and it was nice. I’m craving solitude but cannot get it. Tomorrow, I walk for hours with a friend. But afterward, I WILL paint, by myself. I WILL.
It’s kind of crazy to think of how completely alone I feel in-person right now, in that I feel like nobody near me understands me. Everything’s building up. I have nobody face to face that I can talk to about it. My psychiatrist is awesome but won’t really communicate outside of the office except in extreme cases, but seeing her is very expensive, so I don’t do it often. The psychologist I was seeing as of late … I’ve never really been sure that we clicked. He doesn’t understand me at all whatsoever, actually. But only within the last month or so did something REALLY come up that was very bad and now I can never trust him again. He thinks it would be healthy for me to at least share with him what exactly is bothering me so much. But speaking it to him would be very difficult and painful for me. Blah blah blah.
I’ve met lots of people from playing Pokémon GO and some of them are great to hang out with for the 20min – 3 hour time period that it can take.
Sometimes when I Pokéwalk along the water line with my friend “Joe”, I think, these are the days that I’m going to look back upon as some of my better days. The sun, the friendly people, the sea birds and sometimes other sea life, the hours of walking along the water.
But I’m neurotic and eat away at myself.
I’ve been studying lately. Study. Exercise. Eat (expensive foods, lately). I need money. I need to get a part time job.
I’m going to be traveling again soon. I’ll be gone for a while. I’ll have Internet access but don’t know if I’ll be too distracted. I wish I could talk about it here but I cannot.