Weaning off Lexapro: Days 45 – 71

Meds for Days 45 – 70:

  • 10mg Lexapro, normal thyroid meds
  • vitamins when I remembered
  • electrolyte beverage on days when I remembered
  • walking, some bicycling

Symptoms for Days 45 – 70:

  • Pretty neutral (that’s why I had stopped recording for a while — it started to feel like every day was pretty similar to the day before it)

Meds for Day 71 (today):

  • 5mg Lexapro (!!!), normal thyroid meds
  • 10mg Prozac
  • vitamins, chewable
  • electrolyte beverage
  • 22,000+ steps of walking

Symptoms for Day 71 (today):

  • At some point, I had a brief moment of vertigo
  • I got a stomach ache
  • I had a lot of reflux and when I laid down, it [censored]
  • My bf, who I’ve been fine with for weeks now, said one little thing I shot off to instant rage/hatred

I am not looking forward to the next few weeks at this dose. (But today’s walk was lovely!)

Weaning off Lexapro: Days 25, 26, 27

Sunset with colors of yellow, pink, and a lot of blue

Sunset this evening

I’m a little behind. Meds:

  • On each of these days, 10mg Lexapro, multivite if I remembered (I did today, the 27th day, for sure).
  • Exercise in the form of gentle bicycle rides on all 3 days.
  • I’ve also been taking 10mg Zyrtec.

Symptoms:

  • Coughing, sneezing (head cold), mild sore throat
  • reflux still, maybe not as bad
  • kind of testy yesterday and today
  • tired

Journal Items:

  • 2 days ago, I don’t recall. I know there was studying. Gentle bicycling
  • 1 day ago, I went on 2, gentle bicycle rides
  • Today, I went on a long, gentle bicycle ride with lots of stopping (Pokémon-related)
  • I finished the previous class and have started the new class
  • Bf and I had couples therapy yesterday and it was really helpful. I wish I weren’t so damn cranky today but I woke up feeling yucky and it stayed that way until I went on my bike ride.
  • Riding my bike, I felt instantly better. I felt wonderful so long as I was riding my bicycle. Outside. In the trees. And the sun.
  • It feels hard here right now, like everyone has tread on everyone else’s toes a little bit. Sometimes living with others is very hard.

Weaning off Lexapro: Day 24

Very swirly white clouds on a blue sky and the tips of some trees

Swirly clouds from 2015

Meds Today:

  • 10mg Lexapro; norm. thyroid meds
  • multivite chewables
  • exercise (bicycling; walking)

Symptoms:

  • gas and intestinal pain
  • coughing (allergies, I think)

Journal Items:

  1. Bf brought me coffee in bed at 7am; I drank it closer to 7:30, I think
  2. I know I was out of bed by 9ish
  3. I started my new study plan for the new class
  4. I met people for a Pokémon Go raid and that was fun
  5. I went bicycling for about two hours, although I didn’t go very far (I went slowly and took many stops for Pokémon and views)
  6. I studied
  7. I walked, saw another Dr. Who, walked again for a Pokégym
  8. Bedtime

Weaning off Lexapro: Day 16

Bright, maybe full moon behind a field of clouds, and tips of trees straight up

A field of clouds in front of the moon tonight

Wow, it’s the 16th day? That means I didn’t go down another 5mg when I was supposed to (after 2 weeks, so that would have been yesterday-ish). Close enough. And let me tell you, this is more scary now than before, after I had two intense days of anger (which I tend to then turn inward into hopelessness).

Today:

  • 15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • iron tablet, multivite tablet
  • exercise (walking & a little dancing & a little weights)

Symptoms:

  • Pretty neutral
  • Kind of pessimistic outlook but not upset or anything
  • Headaches

I painted yesterday evening. I wish I could share it on here. It’s perfect for a Homesick person. I’m not angry anymore (like I was yesterday and the day before). But I’m pretty scared for the upcoming days, if I really do start to reduce my Lexapro again tomorrow morning. Oh, man. The part that I look forward to is the one dose of Prozac. Last time, that took away all of my anxiety the next day! That was miraculous and I’d love to have that every day. You really can’t appreciate how debilitating anxiety is until you have a space without it. Those so-called “normal” humans have no idea. No idea, at all. I begrudge them.

Oh, also, my psychiatrist wrote me back a very kind message in response to what I sent yesterday when I was quite angry and had let her know what had upset me so much during our appointment. UPDATE: Just to clarify, I had been angry with my psychiatrist but that is different from what I was angry at yesterday & the day before. That latter anger went away either last night after painting, or during the night, or this morning.

Weaning off Lexapro: Day 11

Sunset (pink and orange clouds with darkening blue sky)

Sunset

Today:

  • 15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • fish oil capsule, multivite
  • lots of exercise (walking)

Symptoms:

  • Didn’t sleep soundly last night
  • Dreamt that my old obsession returned (OCD), but it didn’t bother me at all during the day, so I think it was just fear, not the actual obsession
  • My friend “Joe” said that my face seemed much more animated than ever before, as if my brain is sending signals to different facial muscles than when I’m on the 20mg, and he was shocked by it (like, hadn’t expected to notice any physical changes on this drug experient)

Today was my day of the week that I Pokéwalk with “Joe”. I had totally normal energy levels and stamina. I didn’t find it hard to maintain conversations or feel withdrawn. It was good.

Weaning off Lexapro: Day 10

Amazingly shaped clouds on a blue, evening sky with half of a moon

Half of a moon is there

Today:

  • 15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • fish oil capsule
  • A little exercise (bicycling)

Symptoms:

  • Tired
  • Still in a secretive, private mood, craving solitude
  • Fingertips a bit tingly

I bicycled for a couple of hours today. I went slowly and took many stops. It was lovely, the weather was perfect, except the air quality was poor, so I didn’t want to work hard and potentially give myself asthma. I went through a lovely park and around some lakes. I stayed out past dark and it was nice. I’m craving solitude but cannot get it. Tomorrow, I walk for hours with a friend. But afterward, I WILL paint, by myself. I WILL.

Weaning off Lexapro: Day 4

Big, shapely cloud set on a blue sky

I loved this cloud

The Day (I’m writing it the following day, sadly):

  • 15mg Lexapro (regular thyroid meds)
  • Mutli-vite; fish oil capsule; iron tablet later in evening
  • Much walking

Symptoms:

  • No mood issues noted (maybe mild irritation at moments; mild anxiety at moments)
  • Intestines fairly normal, still some cramps (but this started before the med change, so likely unrelated)

This day involved a mess up in the morning where I didn’t catch my exam in time. I walked for hours after that, with a friend. In the evening, my bf helped me study for hours.

Feel like there’s no one I can talk with

Inch WormIt’s kind of crazy to think of how completely alone I feel in-person right now, in that I feel like nobody near me understands me. Everything’s building up. I have nobody face to face that I can talk to about it. My psychiatrist is awesome but won’t really communicate outside of the office except in extreme cases, but seeing her is very expensive, so I don’t do it often. The psychologist I was seeing as of late … I’ve never really been sure that we clicked. He doesn’t understand me at all whatsoever, actually. But only within the last month or so did something REALLY come up that was very bad and now I can never trust him again. He thinks it would be healthy for me to at least share with him what exactly is bothering me so much. But speaking it to him would be very difficult and painful for me. Blah blah blah.

I’ve met lots of people from playing Pokémon GO and some of them are great to hang out with for the 20min – 3 hour time period that it can take.

Sometimes when I Pokéwalk along the water line with my friend “Joe”, I think, these are the days that I’m going to look back upon as some of my better days. The sun, the friendly people, the sea birds and sometimes other sea life, the hours of walking along the water.

But I’m neurotic and eat away at myself.

I’ve been studying lately. Study. Exercise. Eat (expensive foods, lately). I need money. I need to get a part time job.

I’m going to be traveling again soon. I’ll be gone for a while. I’ll have Internet access but don’t know if I’ll be too distracted. I wish I could talk about it here but I cannot.