A title for an evening

Hello all,
(It is amazing that anyone is still there reading this, considering how long I go between posts lately.)

Last semester, I was actually doing fabulously. Have I mentioned that? I was pretty emotionally stable. I stayed up with my classes. I enjoy tutoring.

I’m in summer now, and things are different. It’s decision time. I told you about that already. But the not-knowing for sure what I’m about to do once summer ends is weighing heavily on me and affecting my sleep (LACK of sleep, be sure). I’m having to take clonazepam more frequently than is my norm, just to get some sleep each week (that’s the drug I’m prescribed for night because it helps my restless leg syndrome as well as helping with the anxiety AS WELL as having a happy side effect of some drowsiness). So it’s my miracle night drug, but I try not to take it more than a couple of times per week, since I don’t want to get addicted or have it become less effective.

I’m grateful I have it available. I can’t imagine getting through times like these without it, really. Before I finally searched around through all of my belongings to find my bottle of it, I had gotten sleep-deprived enough that I was getting seriously loopy and forgetting things like crazy and crossing over what I dreamed and what happened in reality. If you get that sleep-deprived, you know what I’m describing.

I’m taking C++ this semester, because the Accounting choices were slim pickings for summer (I’d already taken all of the ones offered!). I am LOVING C++. It concerns me. What happens if I end up wanting to switch majors?!?! I am really loving it. But I’m also loving being an Accounting tutor. The trouble is, I don’t actually have any interest in Accounting topics themselves — I couldn’t care less about tax laws or auditing. I’m going to have to learn all of those things. And I know I can do it, once I re-align my goals again.

But I’m actually INTERESTED in this computer programming. If I could program, there is SO much I could do. Years ago, I started drawing out diagrams for apps and stuff I wanted to hire someone to make for me and sell! So now that I’ve had a taste and can dream that one day *I* could write my *own* programs??? I have a lot of interest in that. But it would mean starting over and having wasted a whole year! (Well, not wasted as far as learning SO MUCH about myself — like that I’m capable of being a successful student (that wasn’t the case previously) — and capable of tutoring!! (I’d have NEVER guessed!) — and I took a jogging class, piano, and so much more. But it was a wasted year as far as income. My tutoring income doesn’t even cover half of the rent per month. I’m not joking. My savings is going poof too rapidly. [Besides, end goal is to work for animal rescue. I KNOW I could do that via accounting. Could I do that via computer programming? I have some vague ideas, but don’t know that one with enough certainty to bet on it.]

I haven’t even paid for my pony’s board this month. My friend hasn’t mentioned it — she knows what’s up — but it weighs on me. I want to gift her to my friend but her husband would go nuts if she legally owned another horse. So we’re in this weird limbo right now and don’t know where it’s headed.

I gave someone a dollar today. It was for an interesting scenario. But she said there is a special angel in heaven waiting for me and gave me a hug. She had a really cute 1.5 year old dog who was very happy.

I’ve needed to write here. I wish I would focus myself to do this every day. It helps. But I basically have only enough focus for school and the tutoring. I allow EVERYTHING else to drop off of the planet. I even missed an appointment with my psychiatrist. I didn’t mean to but she’d confirmed in email and I MEANT to reply again and I MEANT to write it on my calendar but just never got around to it. It went into the pile with the other thousands of emails I haven’t responded to over the decade+.

I’m homesick. I’m REALLY homesick. I. Want. To. Be. Home. Right now. This week. This month. It probably happened when my world here went into a limbo mode (don’t know what I’m doing next semester). But I want my old life back — the one before I was married. I want to live with my parents and brush my dog and trim his nails and drive out to see my pony and train her and groom her. I want to smell her on my clothes and carseat and have to take allergy medicine and the whole deal. I miss my life.

Breaking up with my boyfriend and moving out of this house would almost be worth it if I could live in a place where I could foster animals. I don’t want to WAIT for my life to start; I want to start it tomorrow. I want to be helping animals right now.

The animal shelters around here have zillions of volunteers. That’s what you get in a city, I guess. I would sign up but I honestly feel like they have endless volunteers and I wouldn’t be in my niche. There is an emergency vet nearby. I’m considering going and asking if they have any use for an intern or volunteer or something. I’d be fine just cleaning cages of animal waste or whatever behind-the-scenes thing I could do. I just don’t want to be one who has to tell an owner that we had to euthanize their pet. I’m not ready for that yet.

I have to go now. Goodnight.

Up and Down: The story of life

I can see now that I’m not exactly the most emotionally-stable person. If I were updating you regularly, you guys would know it too. Let me tell you a story.

Twice a week, my mornings begin on the campus track, under a great, open sky. Several times, it’s even been sunny and warm. But on these track mornings, we run here, we run there, we stop and stretch. We stop and slump. We stop and practice un-slumping. We slump and greet each other. We stand tall and great each other. We ground ourselves downwards for the backside and upwards for the front side of our bodies. Our heads touch the sky. We run more. We walk briskly. And as I run, I see the gulls and crows and pigeons and some other birds. I see the clouds and feel the sky. I breathe the air and feel amazing. That’s life. UP.

Let me tell you a story. Four times a week, I am now getting paid a minimum wage to help tutor Accounting 1 students. This can range from nobody needing my help, in which case I can do my own homework, or certain people needing intense help. I am a Helper by nature. Shyness and asperger are both irrelevant if I am trying to help someone. It’s awkward when I don’t have the words or I know what I want to say but can’t form it into a sentence. It’s hard to think of other ways of explaining a concept someone is struggling with. But I whip out my computer and search online for many explanations and then find the words to string it all together, sometimes. Sometimes I am able to find a way of explaining something and the person has a lightbulb moment. Those moments are wonderful. UP.

At other times, it can take me a long time to remember how to work out a certain type of problem. But I am happy so long as I don’t mislead or give wrong information to anyone. I have helped people come to correct answers several times now, so that is really, really cool. UP.

I had six combined hours of tutoring time where nobody was asking for my help, and I was able to do my Accounting 2 homework. When it came time for my Accounting 2 class, I had studied so much that I was able to do ALL of the in-class assignments without any real problems! I felt quite amazed. UP.

Here’s another story. I am taking a Beginning Piano class. It meets many times during the week. The chords are hard for me and the posture is something I work on, but I already know how to read notes and count rhythm so a lot of class is very … well, boring. So last class period, a student with a guide-dog-for-the-blind entered the room and asked to join. He asked to have a student who could sit with him all semester and help him stay on track, because he can’t read the music. I volunteered. First of all, his dog was incredibly adorable and sweet. Second of all, I was having too much time on my hands during class anyway (I’ve already practiced the book for many lessons ahead of where we’re currently at). So helping him starting today during class, and it was very interesting for me. He taught me how to find the same chord up along the keyboard easily by knowing the number of white notes between the left and right hand. I helped him learn the G7 chord we were working on in class. He’ll just have to learn the melodies by ear, but I could assist his learning the two chords, at least. And I sit right by his awesome dog, who sleeps the whole class period. UP.

The story is going to start to change soon. I’m just warning you.

So I bought a cheapo guitar the other day. I can’t justify the purchase but I’ve been playing it every single day since then and having great fun. I became obsessed with guitar again after hearing the song, “Burning House” by Cam. The piano music for it cost money, but the guitar tab was free online. Of course, the guitar cost more than the piano music would have…but anyway. Now I’m learning “Closer” by Travis on the guitar and it’s lovely. My mom is also teaching me the fingerings for alto recorder via FaceTime, which is challenging. But I’ve been meaning to do that for years. She calls this time period “another of my manic music phases”. UH OH.

I wish I could begin to tell you another story, but this one is so confusing, I just don’t know what to make of it. There’s a story about my boyfriend and myself, and maybe even his mother. I don’t know where he and I stand at the moment. I’m going to use some buzzwords and say my “love tank” is running on empty. In other words, he’s not SHOWING me love in the way I am capable of FEELING loved. I believe it is happening the other way around, as well. Sometimes he comes home from work and I’m too uncertain and awaiting and don’t make any first moves. I just wait. What am I waiting for? Him to sweep me up off my feet and spin me around and say how wonderful it is to see me again?

Life was different when we lived in the apartment with his old roommate. Our lives were different. There were times when I came home and went to the grocery store and tried to cook parts of meals for our dinner. He would try to arrange his schedule to come home earlier and he’d help with other parts of the meals. He frequently played piano. I did homework and what else did I do? Play with Curie the cat? I vacuumed a lot.

Now, what is going on? He comes home and he always greets me but I am not always initially warm toward him. I feel a “waiting” inside, like waiting to see what the rest of the evening will be like, waiting to see what’s up. One time, I was smack in the middle of re-writing some guitar chords for a song that someone else had written out incorrectly, and he came in and immediately started to read to me my Accounting textbook and ask me questions about it — which is awesome and helpful from one standpoint, but it wasn’t what I was doing right then and there — I was finishing a personal project. So I don’t know, I don’t think I handled it very well, just trying to get us to go downstairs and help his mother with dinner because I couldn’t handle trying to suddenly switch my brain over and think about Accounting. But then I spent the rest of the evening worrying if I’d disappointed him or something.

But then there are also the times when he comes home, and he always greets me, and frankly I am not always warm toward him, and he spends most of the evening talking/discussing/debating/arguing politics with his mom. Or they watch the TV downstairs together and they’re both on their electronic devices, like she’ll be on her laptop doing research and he’ll either be on his laptop or reading news and stuff off of his phone. And I just go upstairs and listen to “Welcome to Night Vale” or music. Or now, I play guitar up here.

I do join them a lot, for various TV shows, like we are in the process of watching all of the Doc Martin episodes from start to finish. I don’t mean to say I always avoid them but sometimes, I really can’t handle the talking any more.

I’m handling my homesickness by talking with my mom over the telephone nearly every single day now. Sometimes I get to hear my dad’s hilarious background commentary. For example, yesterday I made my mom listen to me struggle through an easy Bach piece on piano. I must have been on speakerphone because at the end, my dad said, “Bach is rolling over in his grave!” But it’s SO funny when he says these things because he can’t keep a straight face even as he’s saying it, so he was cracking himself up while trying to say it to me. I love my parents so much.

My boyfriend is meeting me for my nighttime class each week. That’s pretty amazingly awesome. I was too afraid to take the class, and it’s across the city from the usual campus, but he said he’d meet me there after class and we’d bus home together. It’s been working. I was 15 minutes late to class last time, since I’m still very anxious about attending the night class, but at least I made it.

So I haven’t been spelling it out for you very well, but I get down sometimes. Just down. I’m not suicidal right now. I’m not even particularly self-injurious, with the exception of a very shit non-communication that took place when my bf got home late from work last night. I worked through it in a healthy way, though. I took care of some chores downstairs, thus making myself available should he wish to find me, and then going into the bathroom, closing the door, putting in some earbuds and jamming out to a current favorite song fairly loudly and with much dancing. I painted some of my fingernails between dancing. By the time he sought me out, he found me perfectly happy and having a personal dance/nail party and he was creeping in with a very anxious look on his face like he was so worried about whatever it was that had happened. I don’t know. We are just kind of shit for communication, but a lot of it is I’m finding myself reverting back to OLD PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR AND WITHDRAWING. That ain’t fair to anyone, and it’s not adult, rational, assertive behavior, and it’s not fair to ME. So it’s not what I want.

So it turns out that I misunderstood but one of my old TaskRabbits actually asked me out on a date like a month or two ago. At the time, I just responded letting him know who he was speaking with — I thought he’d written to the wrong innerdragon! But I later clarified, it was me! So that’s flattering but, I’m still into my boyfriend. I know we’re in a phase right now that’s going to require some killer hard work to pull our shit out of, but I still think it’s worth it. If that scale tips, well, then suck. I hope the scale doesn’t tip.

But the biggest downer in my life right now is the communication shit my boyfriend and I are going through. He sounded pretty amazed when last night, finally deciding to take some clonazepam, I was like, do you even like me? Do you even like spending time with me? Because I can’t tell. And long story short, that’s something we’re going to have to work on, because he does like me, of course, and want to be with me, but he’s going to have to learn how to show it in the ways I can FEEL again, because this ain’t working for me right now. And I told him we’re going to need to set aside some evenings for just reconnecting, like going on a walk-and-talk together or stuff like that, where we can just talk, because I feel disconnected from him, just waiting and wondering what the hell is going on. I was upset the other day when his mom was asking him over dinner about some training he’d done that day, and I was completely in the dark on that. So he had obviously told her about it and not me. The woes of living with your SO’s mother, let me tell you. And I was really upset about it and then…. I realized, I had talked on the phone with my own mom for like an hour that same day, and she knew all KINDS of things about my day that my bf has no idea about…. So then it was a little harder to blame him for that oversight. 😉

Anyway. Stay strong. Stay attending the classes. One of these days, I’m going to have to do that OTHER class’s homework — the one I’ve been avoiding because my book didn’t arrived until two days ago and the font hurts my eyes. But the disability center JUST sent me a copy of the whole thing as a PDF, so now I can have my computer read it to me. No more excuses for avoiding it.

…Unless you count that the software that came with it (and is necessary for the class) is for PC only, and I have a Mac… Ah life.

Note to my dear readers: Kindly REFRAIN from leaving any analysis of my relationship with my bf. There is so much more I would write if only I didn’t fear the judgements I sometimes receive on here. Please allow me to document my life here without fear of being told what I’m doing wrong and what you would do differently if you were me. Thank you for understanding!!

Brighter

Well all,
Life is weird. Right? Right?? Life is fucking WEIRD. I mean, really. Life is really, really, really weird.

Of course, maybe that’s how it always feel after you’ve just moved. And moved in with your partner’s mother. And your partner has had a crazy work schedule due to a conference that was being held, so you’ve only seen him like once in a week, or at least that’s how it feels.

And part of why it feels that way is because when he was home, at like 11 pm, and you did go to bed, you had to enforce a large space bubble because he was a stranger to you. Because you were dissociating and although you could consciously think back and tell yourself that yes, you have met this person before and actually lived with this person for a while, you don’t know or recognize this person right now. The face and hair are unfamiliar. The mental processes of his brain are unfamiliar.

Monday, I had a test. Today, I had two tests. I think I did well on all three. Yesterday, he and I chatted via text for a brief time during the day. I asked him how he was doing whatwith all this change and such. He said it was hard and he felt like he had lost some of my trust. Yeah, he had. I can’t put my finger on the reason why, but yep. I asked if he was interested in splitting up with me. He said no but that we should talk about things. I suggested we go on a walk & talk later.

I didn’t know it, but he had thought I wanted to go on a walk with him for the sake of breaking up. For me, going on a walk is like my one attempt at repairing things. Because I can’t connect with a person in a house. We connected in the first place outdoors, doing things. That’s where we need to work on repairing things, IMO.

Anyway. So we went on a walk, exploring the residential areas around here. It was a relief to be out, exercising for the first time in how long. We didn’t chat too deeply but we did get into it a little bit. I felt a lot of relief and a little more at peace.

I had been so angry on moving day. SO angry. Because he wasn’t there. He had to be at that horribly-timed conference for work. I was scared. He had taken off the day before to pack, and we had accomplished a lot but weren’t entirely done. So I was gathering up last shreds of items and trying to organize them into boxes but failing repeatedly. I managed to get enough together by the time they arrived.

Ah well. I cry every day. Because I miss the cats so much. I liked both cats but I was really fond of miss Curie, especially. She loved me, too.

My partner’s mum has two cats but I’m not attached to them yet. And I have been sneezing more here, so I’m trying to keep them away a lot. I don’t have to fear getting attached to these cats because after we move out, I expect to still see them each weekend or however often we visit (it’s typically once a weekend).

All of this sounds negative, I expect, but I titled this Brighter and I meant it. I’m feeling a lot better. It was last night that I realized I’d been dissociating a lot since the move. I told him. I don’t know that he understands but I felt better for having put it into words and recognized what was happening.

In spite of moments of going in and out of reality, I actually have found moments of joy in my heart for living here. And that is freaking amazing, that it could happen at all in the midst of so much change and stress and uncertainty. This is very unusual for me. But I have been able to just walk over with my laptop to where my partner’s mum is sitting and watching TV, and just silently sit down and watch with her. We don’t know our relationship yet; as a tenant, I’m probably invading her space. As her son’s girlfriend, it’s probably fine but more chatter would be expected. This uncertain mix suites me much better; maybe she will expect more chatter or more space, i don’t know. But getting to just come in and sit down and have company but not be pressured into speaking is so nice. And I can sit in sunbeams around here. And the area is amazing.

She took me on a walking tour of the neighborhood today. I bought a cute dog card for my dad, from a pet shop we went to. She showed me the entrance to the nearby park. She showed me two little veggie shops and one main grocery store. It was quite a walk but such a relief. I suspect my lack of conversation was noticed at some point but I’m so out of energy for holding up conversations lately. I just don’t know what to say. But I liked the company and I liked getting to see so many things around here.

I saw a Post Office so I can mail out my dad’s super late birthday present soon. We also stopped at an icecream shop that sells vegan icecream, and I bought one and it was amazing. I only meant to eat part of it but I hadn’t realized how long the walk back would take; I ate nearly all of it. The last bite is currently in the freezer.

Sleep is a bit challenging. Well, my partner & I went to bed SUPER late last night because he was helping me study for my tests. I especially requested help for the Math test; I didn’t understand one of the chapters. It paid off; I have my score for it already, and I got a 100%!! But we were SO tired this morning. I’m drained.

I’m probably also feeling hopeful now because my first ever endocrinologist appointment is tomorrow. As always, I hope for mysteries of the universe to be quickly explained and “cured” with a quick, cheap-fix, one-line diagnosis. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Chronic exhaustion… CURED
Lifetime of insomnia and sleep issues… CURED
Depression… CURED
Lethargy… CURED
Exercise aversion… CURED
Lack of motivation… CURED
Anxiety… CURED
Indecisiveness… CURED
Intestinal pain… CURED
Moodiness… CURED
Lack of self-confidence… CURED

ETC!

Well, I am going to go make some tea. Using the teapot I already damaged by forgetting about it. (Yes, I have a new system in place so that doesn’t happen again.) At least she didn’t seem upset with me. That was a rough first day. My gawd it has been stressful, when you think about it.

Mixen’ up

Today was all right. I went to classes. But at home, I didn’t go to the grocery store (desperately needed). And I haven’t done homework. I did practice Spanish a little bit, for fun. And I ate a bowl of freeze-dried noodles and freeze-dried vegetable chunks. I then ate soy yogurt and homemade GF granola, to which I added cocoa powder with mini chocolate chips in it. And a drop of maple syrup.

Now I’m drinking a supposedly-vanilla-scented sleepy-time tea. My bf wrote that he’s on his way home. That’s when I realized I hadn’t actually done any homework nor have I started to pack. Nor have I done really anything, and that’s exactly when my anxiety SPIKED again. I mean out of control. I’m weak again, my heart is fluttering rather than beating. I can’t think or process or do anything. I’m scared and gray.

Why? Because once he’s home, the lack of having packed up anything becomes real? Because once he’s home, the lack of homework gotten done becomes real? I did make some quinoa. It’s cold now, on the stove top with a lid on it so it can be reheated. But I no longer feel like it. He’s been having to work really late lately; that’s why we haven’t gone to the grocery store. I love that he has such an immense work ethic. Last night, I was doing homework and he was doing work from home until I couldn’t anymore and I fell asleep. He kept going until midnight and then we went to bed.

I guess it’s not that late here yet but it’s so dark outside. It feels late. And I have an exhaustion beyond words. It’s this anxiety. It’s wearing me down.

I have to make a change. This isn’t working and it isn’t a life. It isn’t MY life.

  • I looked at a lot of job listings today. There is one in particular, with a well-known animal rescue organization, that actually sounds doable for me. I will need to fill out an application, cover letter, and alert my references. I should still have a resume copy laying around from a few months ago. I need to submit for this job because it would be very good for me. The main downside is that it is weekends, which I wanted to avoid.
  • But frankly, my partner & I have been having an issue with our conflicting executive function difficulties as of late. It’s making it hard to be productive on the weekends as is. Last weekend, I did my damn best to write down a list of possible things we could do, as requested. I gave it to him and expected he would choose several and place them in some sort of order for the day. Instead, we just sort of did some things at random and then he was really frustrated at the end of the day for having had no feeling of progressing toward anything. We hadn’t communicated well. When I had given him that list, I expected him to take the next step. He was expecting ME to decide the order of events I wanted to do, and tell him what to do. I want him to tell me what to do. If I had the skills to choose my own damn schedule, I wouldn’t be in this mess of a life in the first place.
  • I’m gaining weight, particularly in the face which I hate. Next semester, I am going to sign up for an exercise class. I suspect I’ll do weight-lifting, because my mom thinks that’s supposed to help prevent osteoporosis, which I have a higher-than-average likelihood of having when I’m older.
  • Weekends. Do away with weekends. Do away with the potential for conflict. I want us to do our own, separate things on at least one day of the weekend. That way if our one day together is a flop, we can each salvage what we can separately. Scheduling for self alone isn’t as challenging as scheduling for two.
  • Food. I’m not going grocery shopping anymore because it gets darker earlier. Also, I don’t always have the internal motivation to leave my apartment. But I could use savings money and hire a company to fucking DELIVER groceries to me once a week or two. That would surely be cheaper than eating every meal out. I just. can’t. keep doing that.
  • Cats. I picked up a cat tonight and started crying. I’m going to miss this trouble creatures. I’m going to miss the nosy one so much. She’s always in my stuff. She’s always on me or with me if I’m out of my room. She loves me.
  • This weekend. He has a conference this weekend, it turns out. I learned it twenty minutes ago. Why won’t this anxiety medicine hurry up and kick in? I took a little bit just a bit ago, when the panic set in. I thought we were going to be moving our stuff to his mom’s place this weekend. I guess that is not the case; but we will do packing. Somehow. I suppose I’d best just hire someone. I can’t stand the thought of him seeing my lack of packing. He’s offering to skip the conference because moving is more important. But I somehow don’t think that’s the biggest issue.
  • It isn’t timing. It’s … the executing. Can someone PLEASE come out and help me???????????? I’d better hurry up and hire someone from online. I have two old contacts from TaskRabbit. I’ll ask them both if there’s any way they can help me because I just can’t get this started on my own.
  • What the hell is so hard about getting started? The panic! It’s really unbelievable. The gray and the fluttering heart. I don’t think my heart is even beating anymore – it’s just a mere whisper of a tremble. No pulse. I can’t reply back to bf, I won’t be able to smile or say hi to him when he does enter the apartment (soon). This night is going to be really rough if this anxiety medicine doesn’t hurry up and kick in. I’m scared to death.
  • Woops, I have to go now. Thanks for listening.

Dump

If I watch you, I’m jealous.
Is there anything I’m not jealous of?

Is there any way I can someday be okay with myself as I am?
Accept myself for what I am?

There are things I can do that you’ll never be able to do.

They’re things in an empathy spectrum. I can feel like nothing else. But it’s not healthy.

I can hear a story of someone else’s suffering and feel the pain as my own pain. It IS my own pain.

But I hear the click-clack of the keys and I can see the rapid switching of windows and lines of text appearing and disappearing in nano seconds. I’ll never be able to do that. And that’s only one, tiny thing.

I’m not sure my life is here. I’m detaching but it’s a bad time to detach because my whole life feels unstable at present.

It’s my anxiety.

My heart keeps beating at the wrong rhythm. I don’t know if it’s from fucking with my thyroid levels over the last month or so, or if it’s all from anxiety.

I’m weak, I’m shaky, I have this chronic look of fatigue and worry on my face. I’ve gained weight and hold it in my face, which is a location that makes me uncomfortable because it makes smiling more difficult.

I made myself go on a walk today. I accidentally missed school. I’m irritated that I still mis-spell the word “accidentally”. You can’t tell because of spell-check, but I’m a phonetic speller and tonight, even that is worth me feeling like shit. Like I’m in my 30’s and still can’t spell a word I’ve written a thousand times before. TALLY. Accident, which I can spell, usually. smashed with TALLY.

It’s funny because I’ve been practicing learning Spanish lately, and the spelling is killing me. I’m a phonetic speller in English, how am I supposed to become precise in Spanish? Ah well, remember, it’s just for fun.

Approximations are as good as it gets.

And what is good in life right now? I may have slept through school but I ate good food. Some of which was nutritious (I hate spelling). I made myself go on a long walk. It was a bit chilly out today but I dressed warmly and the sky was blue and the sun was bright. I wish I had let more sun onto my skin; I suspect I’m shy on Vitamin D again.

I made myself a goal. There’s this place nearby that sells an amazing GF oatmeal chocolate chip cookie. So I went walking with the end of goal of buying one. I ended up also studying my Accounting chapter. Thankfully, tomorrow’s test got postponed. That is good because I wasn’t truly prepared for it.

Now I’ve been doing computer class homework for several hours. I’ve finally taken a little bit of anxiety medicine for the night. Thank God[] for anxiety medicine. I had a little fever when I came back from my walk. My walk also led me to a playground where I swung for a while. I talked with an aunt over the phone. I talked with my mum. I just can’t get out of this grayness and fuzz. My heart won’t normalize and I can’t smile.

I think this is my last week here at this apartment and i also think that really I’m freaking out because of being now unemployed and when I spoke with my brother, he indicated some shock that I would quit one job without having another lined up. That probably freaked me out a lot. But I really had to get out. I can’t entirely type why, since this is public, but if you can trust me that it was the right decision, then trust me and don’t question it.

I think I’m tired of being questioned. Who’s doing the questioning? Me?

I’m making myself write here lately, because I know from experience that writing helps me re-focus and re-ground. And I desperately need to re-ground. Desperately.

While I was home alone, I had religious music playing pretty loudly and I was signing along as loudly as possible. It happens sometimes and I really connected to it. I think that’s what I need right now. I’m going to keep searching for more music that I can feel connected with. I should probably trying praying and such too. I just don’t know if my incredible grayness and fuzz and inability to smile or leave the apartment is from crippling anxiety or if I’m just physically ill (the fever has been present for a couple of days). Do people get fevers when anxious? Oh well. I took anxiety medicine and once that kicks in, I imagine that I will find it help a little bit. And I’ll take whatever little bit I can.

BLEH!!!!

This so not good. I’m avoiding things again. It’s as if I’m super depressed and anxious. This is really bad. I didn’t even go to school today. I did have a mild fever. But I don’t know that I’m physically ill.

I can’t do it. And now it’s dark outside and I haven’t even gotten out of pajamas. I studied for at least 30 minutes today… That’s…something. ?! Sort of.

My bf and I spent the entire day on Saturday helping me to clean out my office at work and I got to organize all of the files on the computer so they make more sense and my replacement will be able to find the templates she’ll need and stuff.

But Sunday was horrible. Horrible. And I felt so bleck and down and awful. I did accomplish a lot of little things, though, like washing the sheets and getting my address changed and setting up a mail forward since we’re moving soon and whatnot.

Oh, that was yesterday. So yesterday was horrible. We went to his folks’ place for dinner, and thankfully they carried on the conversations without much participation from me because I couldn’t. I was sort of floating in and out and felt like I was dissociating for parts of it.

My bf is on his way home and asked if I’d like to eat at this restaurant nearby for dinner. We’re out of food here because I haven’t felt like walking the few blocks to the grocery store in a couple of weeks now. But today marks a day where I don’t want to leave the apartment even for eating out. What am I going to do? I need to normalize again somehow. I’ll have to somehow make myself go to campus tomorrow. I HAVE to do it.

What now?

What am I going to do?

Will we break up?

Will I quit my job?

Will I be without a place to sleep and keep my belongings?

I’m stressed, obviously. There’s been a breakdown. I had no idea the topic of housing would do this. But the stress is so high, I cannot think. I cannot make decisions about the simplest of topics any more. The anxiety is high, the stress is high, and I can’t focus on anything.

Schoolwork, tonight, seems irrelevant, when I don’t know really what my life will look like in two weeks. I mean, obviously we’ll just move in with his dad for now. Right? And I won’t mind it, once I’m there. I’ll adjust and it’ll be fine. (bf has executive fuction issues, too. Nightmare combo when it comes to this topic, it seems. or maybe he doesn’t care as much as I do, about where we live?)

But I’m mad that we never discussed it. We can’t, now. It’s too late to have a rational conversation with me. My walls are sky high and I can’t think. I’m in the haze. My mind is fuzz. My pulse is fast and weak. I shake a lot and my muscles are in pain.

I can’t talk anymore. This is shut down and I don’t know how to get out of it. So I say to myself, I could just leave altogether, and where would I go? I put in a sort of MORE official notice for my work last week. So I’ll have no income. But I’ll get a minimum-wage job, very parttime, and have a pathetic income. I looked up housing; I can’t afford anything around here on my own. So what am I going to do?

I have dreams about going Home all the time now, as the vacation slowly approaches. I’m wearing a wig and different clothes. Will that be enough to disguise myself? Maybe I shouldn’t go Home. I’m still too afraid of how my ex could respond if he sees me.

I have this headache. I get it every day. It comes along with this black, black, blackness in my head. How can I see the world in a positive way with this blackness hanging over my head?

My grades are still good. I’m doing all right, in school. It’s EVERYTHING else that is falling APART.

I ran this morning. I don’t mean that I physically ran, although I should do that for health reasons, but I left. My bf let me know that he was going to go grab a coffee with his roommate and his gf and I was free to join or meet them there or whatever, and I could sense they were in a hurry, so I started to say I’d like to join, but then could sense it again, so said go without me. I had just gotten out of the shower but actually only needed shoes in order to be ready; I’d already gotten dressed. Then I had this huge anxiety attack or something and like the walls were closing in around me. Like I just stand there and can’t make up my mind. Days go by and I just stand in one spot and can’t make a decision about the silliest things anymore. The sun rises and sets and I haven’t moved.

So I packed my school things and left and turned off my phone location settings so nobody could know where I was even if they looked. But I calmed down some minutes later and turned it all back on and wrote a note to say I’d be back soon. I’m just falling apart.

I spent like two days ago, I think, dissociating. I can’t take this stress right now. I’m so behind in so many things.

Afterward, today, my bf and I met his parents at the animal shelter near here, and we got to meet all of the cats and dogs. It was nice. My bf had set that up yesterday for me.