Weaning off Lexapro: Day 19

A partly cloudy sky with a thin layer of fog over it

Cloudy, blue sky, and a hint of fog

Meds Today:

  • 10mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • multivite tablet
  • 0.5mg lorazepam

Symptoms:

// Cut for 2 potential Trigger Warnings: Intestinal function detail & reference to sex//

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Weaning off Lexapro: Day 18

Yellow flowers on a tall, green tree and a blue sky background

A lovely tree from 2 summers ago

Meds Today:

  • 10mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • exercise (walking)

Symptoms:

  • Extremely bad acid reflux or something during the night (I won’t go into details but it was very bad)
  • Very poor quality sleep last night
  • Light-headed at times
  • Okay mood until 1 thing bothered me with bf, then angry for like an hour
  • Anxious/surreal in the evening, but reason to be explained below

Journal List:

  1. Got up around 10ish, I think, which isn’t terrible considering how poorly I slept
  2. Ate breakfast with bf, who’d taken the day off
  3. We also ate lunch together, halfway to our differing destinations
  4. I volunteered at an animal shelter
  5. We met back up, but alas I got defensive over a street crossing comment that is a sore topic because I always feel like he’s criticizing the way I cross streets, which I think is preposterous because I’ve driven for years and he’s never had a license and I think I know better what pedestrians do that is scary for a driver than him. But anyway.
  6. We got home and I went to my computer and took about an hour there to process part of what I do as a volunteer. Meanwhile, I was wearing ear protection, like what is used on rifle ranges, because I had heard some talking downstairs and then a loud television, and I wanted to focus well on the volunteer stuff
  7. But it turned out that my bf and his mom had a big blow up! I’ve never heard them have a blow up before. She told him to go to hell. I can’t fathom. He hates being her tech support and I guess she was asking him another question about her broken cell phone and he was refusing to help and things went out of control somehow.
  8. So of course, then I start shaking, I don’t know why exactly — after all, I hadn’t heard any of it until he came up to talk with me about what was happening. I suggested that maybe she’d gotten upset when he told her it was easy and she could do it herself — I said that would upset me, anyway. He back down and apologized for that and said it wasn’t easy and was hard and that’s part of why he doesn’t like helping (he does tech stuff all day at work and doesn’t want to be tech support outside of work, which he made clear when we first moved in here — he had laid down 2 rules. 1) No loud TV after we’ve gone to bed, and 2) no asking him for tech support)
  9. But anyway, it didn’t help, and she was really crying
  10. I came down and bf was trying to explain something to her and she was sobbing into a kitchen towel while making us all dinner! I signalled for him to stop and whispered, emotional flooding. Conversation later, not during emotional flooding
  11. Also, she said please watch the food, she would be leaving, she just had to leave (not sure where to fit this in)
  12. I told her, it might be bad timing but I was just headed out to do a 1-tier Pok√©mon Go raid, would she like to come. She did (Update: Which was true– I’d been planning to go to that 1-tier raid so I wouldn’t waste a raid pass)
  13. So she and I walked for at least an hour and ended up doing two raids and it was nice, although surreal
  14. We all ate dinner together afterward but I can’t say things are totally fine yet, although they’ve chatted a bit and we all watched Dr. Who together just now.
  15. I feel not normal but at least not depressed, so. That’s something.

Weaning off Lexapro: Day 15

Field of lit clouds on blue sky in the evening, with a bit of swingset chains in view

Swingset and clouds this evening

Today:

  • 15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • exercise (walking)
  • swung for a while at a playground

Symptoms:

  • Extreme anger
  • Extreme resentment
  • Extreme hopelessness, disconnection, grayness, sorrow, alone
  • Fingertips still tingly
  • Urge to effect abrupt, severe diet (restrict food intake)

I did not forgive yesterday nor have I been able to forgive yet today. These past two days are not good. I have spoken with person many times since the incident yesterday and I am still just as angry and distrusting and not wanting to be near person.

Weaning off Lexapro: Day 13 + 14

Sunset with a field of golden clouds

Sunset from 2015

13th Day:

  • 15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • Fish oil, multivite
  • little exercise (some walking)

14th Day:

  • 15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • UPDATE: multivite
  • UPDATE: 1mg lorazepam, before bed

Symptoms:

  • 13th day: Actually quite upbeat / feeling okay
  • Still kind of tingly fingertips
  • 14th day: Having a LOT of trouble regulating blood sugar level
  • Someone snapped at me 20 min ago, and I don’t know how I’ll ever forgive person (grudge, much?)
  • UPDATE: Grudge did not go away or get better; got much worse when he tried to work it out with me; had a terrible evening, ended up self isolating on the back porch, in the dark, wanting so badly to cut myself

I’ve been studying quite a bit lately.

Weaning off Lexapro: Days 8 + 9

Blue sky with white, streaky cloud in late afternoon, with ocean water on a bit of sand

Two years ago-ish, which is hard to believe

8th Day:

  • 15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • fish oil, mulit-vite
  • minimal exercise (walking)

9th Day:

  • 15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • Update: fish oil

Symptoms:

  • I am still SO TIRED. It is less than 2 days ago, but still very bad. It’s not lack of sleep (although it could be lack of REGULAR schedule)
  • Not in a very talkative mood, which is hard since my schedule involves A LOT of human interaction last week/this week
  • My fingertips are kind of tingly, like very mild zappies
  • Update: Cranky / IN A SECRETIVE MOOD

Additional:

  1. So my partner is injured as of late, and can’t walk without assistance. I think that has hampered my own exercising. Perhaps I should go out on a bicycle ride right now.
  2. Listen, Friday night, dinner with bf and friend. Sat. night dinner with bf, his folks, and their friends. Sun. night dinner with bf, my brother, his gf, and his friends. Tonight, dinner with bf and his parents. And I’ve had NO PRIVACY FOR A WEEK. You don’t have to know me super well to know that I’m trying to withdraw into a dark cave but people find me there anyway.
  3. And, I’m doing this withdrawing from Lexapro thing. And I’m not really sure it’s going well, with how damn tired I am and withdrawn from wanting to talk to anybody.
  4. Plus, it’s Christmas time. Hanukkah is celebrated here, and Christmas, in a way. My mom sent me a box but it made me kind of sad because I could tell she put in a lot of things that she hoped bf’s parents would like. I always open her box in private, hoping it’s something special between the two of us, but since I’ve been living here, it’s always like jams and stuff that she hopes bf’s folks will like. I only like 2 kinds of jam and I buy them from a store and nobody else likes them so they’re just mine. I’ll talk to her about it at some point, but I don’t want it to be right now because then she might feel guilty for the box, and I don’t want that. I put it off last year, too, and then forgot to ever bring it up, and now we’re in this situation again.
  5. Not as if it’s the same as being there. We always ski together on Christmas day. That’s our family thing. We have breakfast together and then we ski.
  6. I’ve been studying better again lately, so now I’m less sure about my plan for next semester (going back to the city college, working again as a tutor, etc.)
  7. Nope, I can’t go bicycling now. They want to watch more Dirk Gently and will go insane if I postpone it because it’s already been postponed every day for a week.
  8. I’ll lift some little weights instead. And do some crunches. And a push-up, if I’m strong enough.
  9. “Next year” I’ll do my own Christmas celebrations. It’s just never the same as you get older, you know? You have traditions as a child. Then you grow up and everyone else’s traditions interfere with your own. I’m lacking the “quiet reflection” part of it, and the connection with the outdoor, natural world (as if there’s such a thing here in a city??? Fuck)
  10. Update: Thinking of positive things I’ve experienced that any potential child of mine could never, ever experience, like the being put on the shuttle for hours by one set of relatives and ending up at the other end with another set of relatives. But in the meantime, spending all of those hours to myself, listening to my walkman and watching out the window, and day dreaming. But my relatives aren’t spread in such a way for that to work, anymore.

Writing just to write

I regret that I haven’t been taking notes from couples therapy. There are so many tips that I will want to remember.

I got a lot done today but I did miss a doctor appointment accidentally. I hope I get used to scheduling and such someday.

At 4 a.m., I found myself wide awake and unable to fall back asleep. So I got up and practiced painting for the first time in years! Now, I kind of hope I have another 4 a.m. wake up call so I can work on it again or start something new.

Much, much, much to do but. The most important is to finish my class. I am over a month behind right now. That will be my priority tomorrow.

Huh. My bf is looking up info on fertility and aging. I had no idea I am on the line where my chance of sterility is rapidly increasing. I’m old?! When did I become old?! Good gravy.

Anyway, after my class priority, the next priority will be a certain rewards / habit changing thingy I’m trying to set up. There are three habits I’m going to try changing.

The moods had a reason, and 1 other thing

Amazingly, the intense mood swings seem to have had a reason. I don’t know why it took me over a month to figure it out. They had seriously intensified after I had returned here from visiting my parents & dog. Also during that time, I parted with my pony. I don’t talk about her on here much for a reason. But there you have it. I had a beloved family member for many, many years, and I finally gave her away officially.

And I could not focus on school the following month. And my mood swings were intense. But now that I realize the connection, my moods have been a lot more stable (no pun intended).

I’m finally making progress again in class.

My boyfriend and I are going to couple’s therapy and it’s been so great. We are both learning a ton. I really like the lady we are seeing.

However, one thing that we are doing lately is giving each other “histories”. They are formatted quite specifically but my bf went first and so I have known for several weeks now that my turn is coming up and I’ve been getting quite nervous about it. They are somewhat brief and don’t go into tons of detail. I believe that the ultimate point is going to be to see how he and I individually learned what relationships look like, how to show love, what we’ve seen work and not work in our own families, etc. But there’s also some question as to any moments of abuse and how they might still be affecting us / affecting how we are in relationships / that sort of thing. The thought of having to speak about such things again has generated a lot of racing thoughts in me, particularly in the form of insomnia. Such as right now. It’s hard to know something is coming and have too much time for dwelling.

I did find it informative to hear my bf’s story, though. In spite of having known facts about his life growing up, it was interesting to hear it through the particular format that she’s asking the questions and stuff. I didn’t explain that well.