Depression

SquirrelHi all,
I’m having some trouble with depression. I don’t know when it started. It’s possible it started an hour ago. Or maybe a month ago. Or maybe years ago.

I’ve been anxious. That seems pretty irrelevant and I don’t want to talk about it, but it’s probably pretty important. Especially since it contributed to some sleepless nights.

I wish I could share the reason for my anxiety on here but I can’t because this is public.

I had an emergency session with my psychiatrist. She gave me some interesting suggestions for how to deal with my OCD next week. She gave me a very expert place to go when I return, but that won’t be in time.

I “should” be so happy. If I had six months before this trip, it could be nothing but bliss. But I’m traveling on very short notice and the tasks will be difficult. And I’m very afraid of something I cannot tell you.

I have a pretty bad yeast infection. I didn’t see a doctor, but I know. It’s causing a lot of pain.

My bf and I didn’t get along tonight and it wasn’t even my fault this time. Usually it’s me being crabby but this time it was him. I left the room quickly because I hadn’t come to argue. I was excited about sharing with him how I’d fixed the doorknobs today. I don’t know what went wrong, but it makes it kind of hard to breathe. Kind of bleak and gray and hopeless.

It’s entirely possible he and I aren’t a good match and won’t last much longer. But I want to get my shit together before I were to try and start a new life again. Then there are days when it seems like things are smooth here. Who knows. I can only say, “I need help” so many times before the phrase becomes pointless.

Anyway, I don’t have the money. School is going smoothly but I need a job. My money goes faster than I had projected.

I will be so happy once I’m there. I am supposed to spend an hour a day imagining getting rid of my belongings and feeling calm. I need to go.

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Log: May 26 + 27 (Tue + Wed) Medical worries

May 26 (Tue):  Therapy 8:30a; Work 10:30a – 5:30p;
May 27 (Wed): Primary care dr appt 11a; Work 1:15p – 5:30p;

Indian Paintbrush

Indian Paintbrush from some days ago (one of my favorite flowers)

Tuesday: Insomnia until around 4a or so. Slept a few hours, woke up drenched in sweat and having a nightmare (ex-related, again). Somehow made it to therapy, late. Was a little irritable at first. Made it to work. Nothing to do but I didn’t go crazy from it this time. I stayed occupied. Visited Peter after work and we cooked+ate, went grocery shopping, and then to bed. Only, I had a stomach ache and my shoulders were stiff and I so I couldn’t sleep. At all. Finally, a few hours before waking time, I got up, did stretches, and took a lorazepam tablet (they don’t make me sleepy, so that’s why I chose that one). I also asked for more space so I could stretch out more on the bed, and then I did sleep for a bit of time. (I wasn’t miserable about the insomnia, though, because I was in Peter’s arms the whole time and it’s incredibly sweet. If you’re not going to be asleep, this is the next best way to spend a night.)

I think my shoulders were so stiff because I’d been bicycling the day with a REALLY heavy, bulky load both tied to my bike and in my backpack.

Wednesday: It’s Wednesday! It’s silly and cliche but I’m rather happy. Let me first explain what’s happened so far today. Oohh boy.

First, OMG it was hard to get out of bed. But nice anyway, because Peter was there, and I made us very late because I was so tired. But finally I got up and we showered, cooked + ate breakfast, and were on our ways to work… Sort of. I realized that it would take me an hour to bicycle from work to my dr appt, so I didn’t even go to work. I went straight to my doctor’s appointment and was only about 20 minutes early. I snoozed in the waiting room.

So for the appointment, my suspected yeast infection was confirmed (that’s the second one in like a month, which mark the ONLY two I’ve ever had in my whole, entire life). But she wasn’t really sure about the bumps in my mouth. I expressed concern. She did a swab for culture for herpes, but says there’s a 30% chance that it will say negative but actually just be missing if I have it. So basically, if it’s a Yes, it’s a Yes. If it’s a No, it only means “maybe not”.

She also gave me the vaccine for tetanus, diphtheria, and pertussis. AND gave me lab orders to have my thyroid re-checked AND a bunch of STD things. Again. Yay me. I’ll be really glad to have these results. Although she warned me that it’ll cost me $1000 if my insurance doesn’t at least help control what the lab can charge me. So yeah. My fear of my body’s health far outweighed my money anxiety, so I said, we’re doing this today.

I had a blood test

I had a blood test

I biked straight to the lab, brought my bike up and everything because I hadn’t been anticipating this today and hadn’t had my bike locks with me. Got my blood drawn, got a cute panda sticker that says, “I HAD A BLOOD TEST”, swung by my uncle’s house to pick up a few important items I’d left behind (like, um, my thyroid and antidepressant medication), and then off to work I went. He wasn’t there, so I thought he might be at work.

I chose to bike the whole way to work. It takes about as much time as catching the trains anyway. And I feel SO MUCH better after a bike ride. I just love it. IF ONLY I could make myself ride my bike next time I’m in a funk, but I know I won’t have the motivation for it.

So I’m at work. I don’t see my uncle. Or anybody, for that matter (they are not being lazy — it means they are out ‘in the field’ somewhere). I accomplished a couple of random, brief tasks for work and now… I wait for phones to ring or people to need to be let into the building or have things faxed or… I study online on Khan Academy because that site is just awesome.

Jelly fish sailer

Jelly fish sailer, some days ago

After work, Peter + I are going to cook something but we haven’t actually decided what yet. We have so much trouble with that!

I got invited, possibly, to a family event in DC. I say possibly because after Peter invited me, he then remembered that he should first ask his cousin if he minds me there too. It’s for a Bar Mitzvah. Some of my family is Jewish but I have never been to one before, so it would be pretty neat for me. It’s in like a month from now, so obviously $$$ would be a concern for me, if I do get invited and if I do end up able to attend.

For now, Khan Academy and maybe try to think of something for dinner.