Log: May 4 (Mon) More on meal plans

May 4 (Mon): Work 9:30a – 5:30p, Make dinner with “Peter”, study Accounting for at least a half hour, look up jobs, go to bed by 9:30p (no joke)

I’m beat. I’m exhausted. I’m on the verge of falling apart. You could probably tell by the tone of my previous post — it focused on some negative. I’m just way too tired. I’m going to go to bed early tonight and take some of my clonazepam this time. Must sleep. (You’d think I’d learn to take pain medicine before sleep when I have bad menstrual cramps, but no.)

Work today is okay. I got really mad at one point. It was over “fairness” or justice. Someone said something unfair and I got really mad because of it. I told them why (not that I was mad, just the “why” of what had happened that they had been unfair about). I’m over it now.

These PBJs are AWESOME. What $$$ savers!!!!! Thank goodness. I’m not going to eat out for lunch at all this month. I need to make a big batch of these sandwiches and put them in the freezer.

There’s SOOOO DAMN MUCH I want to DO. But there’s so much all at once that it’s overwhelming and it’s hard to do any of it at all.

Okay. Food plans. I could buy a container of hummus and a baggy of carrots to keep at work for snacks. To supplement the PBJs. And some apples and oranges. That’s all I would ever need for lunch. Breakfast has been eggs. Variable sides: A piece of bacon, a piece of toast with homemade plum jam, slices of apple, slices of orange, sauerkraut, chunks of potato, avocado, dairy-free yogurt. Tea has been a constant.

So breakfast and lunch are pretty well set. Now I need to get control of dinner. This morning, “Peter” suggested salad for dinner and that we’ll stop at the grocery store after work. So I’m trying to figure out salads that would have some protein and fiber (fiber is easy with salad, but the complete protein is not necessarily easy, unless you’re adding meat or something).

These look interesting, except the quinoa one doesn’t really include any fruits or veggies, which seems to contradict her claim that she makes this as a “meal”: http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/5-healthy-protein-packed-spring-salad-recipes.html

Complete Proteins (from this site):

  • Quinoa
  • Buckwheat (which is not a wheat and is gluten-free, btw)
  • Hempseed
  • Chia
  • Soy
  • Mycoprotein (Quorn) (sort of kind of a little bit considered a mushroom; often bound with egg whites)
  • Rice-and-beans (OR rice-and-chickpeas OR rice-and-lentils OR pita-and-hummus (can sub a lot of the beans with each other) (can sub rice and wheat and corn with each other))
  • Ezekiel bread (which is delicious but not gf)
  • Seitan (wheat gluten but only if mixed with soy broth, to complete the protein)
  • Spirulina with Grains or Nuts

Interesting and completely random article I stumbled across: http://greatist.com/happiness/why-i-killed-a-chicken

Here’s a random idea that appeals to me: “Use warm cooked quinoa as a breakfast option for a grain that packs more protein than traditional cereals. Combine it with a little milk, applesauce, cinnamon, and a sliced apple for a delicious breakfast.” From this site. This could help me to figure out how to eat something other than eggs every morning.

Soon, I will be leaving, dropping my bike off at “Peter’s”, and then heading to the grocery store. What will I buy for dinner? Think salad. Hmm. I just found the recipe for my old favorite Confetti Rice. Nice. Okay, I’m going to wash the dish and take out the garbage and then leave. Today’s Mood Ranking (subject to change): 4-5 (it was a 4 all the way up until all of this food reading and finding that Confetti Rice recipe; now I’m feeling content & fine again; hang on, how am I going to tell my uncle that I’m staying out again tonight? I just know it’s going to upset him at some point out of worry for me — he knows I don’t believe in spending too much time with any one person; I think it’s unhealthy in the long-run. And here I am doing exactly that.) My conscience is eating at me about it a little bit, actually. I know I’m doing the wrong thing and here I am doing it anyway. Why? Why don’t I just contact “Peter” right now and say I’m not coming over tonight?

But honestly I think I’ll get more accomplished if I go. We have plans to make dinner, which itself I consider a HUGE accomplishment for me. HUGE. MAJOR. Changing of the meaning of my life. Then we have plans to do our own solo computer work that we want to do (for me, it will involve about 1 hour of job-searching and at least 30 minutes of studying Accounting, and there are two other computer-related things I want to work on tonight).

If I go to my aunt and uncle’s place (she is home again now), it will be because I feel that I haven’t “caught up” socially with my uncle in over a week and that’s making me very anxious. I’m worried about him anyway, but I just. I don’t know. I feel like I should spend some quiet time with him, chilling in front of a stupid movie, his sports, MMA fighting, whatever it is that’s on. If it’s for me or for him that I want to do this, I couldn’t tell you. But I can tell you that I feel as if I “should” do that very, very soon. Before something bad happens. (What bad thing is going to happen? Is it necessarily “wrong” that I am spending all of this extra time with “Peter” right now? My mood has slipped a little and I’m exhausted, but aside from that, I don’t feel like it’s changing me fundamentally, which is my biggest fear. But maybe it is and I just haven’t caught on yet. And I’m getting SO MUCH accomplished. We’ve done so many things. Helping cook is its own miracle, but all of the walking and stuff that I’ve been doing is another. I’m still motivated for getting out of bed with him and for showering nearly daily and stuff. Things I didn’t think were possible. I really hope those bubbles don’t burst; I hope this will someday just become habit.

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Log: Apr 29 (Wed) –got a bit stressed today

Apr 29 (Wed): Work 10:00a – 5:30p, Lunch with Shelly 1p, Go to beach w/ “Peter” 6:40p, Grocery shopping and make food w/ “Peter” 6:30p

The elusive cat

This cat is very shy of me still. He’s come close to me a couple of times. In this photo, he was being quite brave.

Today, “Peter” and I got up around 7:30a to prepare for the day. I needed to be at work by a certain time for a pick-up. So we got ready for the day and enjoyed another amazing home-cooked breakfast (not as elaborate as yesterday, but still amazing to me): I made scrambled eggs, and he made the tea, my non-dairy yogurt with homemade red plum jam swirled into it, and an avocado that I had bought the day before.

We parted ways and I got to work on time. I didn’t have any tasks first thing this morning, so I ended up vacuuming the whole office (it took me 45 minutes and the dust canister was pretty full afterward, so it’s a good thing I did). I also put away the clean dishes, washed the few dirty ones that were in the sink, scrubbed the sink and the counters, and made the coffee. I took the garbage out last night so that was already done. It’s satisfying to do hands-on tasks like that.

I later learned that the pickup had been taken care of by a different coworker earlier in the morning, so although my timely arrival turned out to be non-mandatory after all, I’m glad I was here earlier. I would like to get to work even earlier than this in the future. I’d like to always be here by 9:30a but I’m usually closer to 10:30a or even 11a.

Work has been productive (although now I am at a point where I’m out of tasks; there is a spreadsheet I’ll need to input data into on the horizon but hasn’t been given to me yet). AND I met Shelly for lunch at my favorite nearby restaurant, and that was fun. She gave me some brilliant ideas for my upcoming goal (bring homemade lunches to work for ALL OF MAY). Which leads me to what I really want to discuss: FOOD!!!!!

I’m cutting this and will begin my food discussion as its own post.

***UPDATE*** I am now EXTREMELY anxious. I have not told my uncle that I won’t be home tonight. I wasn’t home last night. And my plan is to not be home tomorrow night, either. I’m super duper anxious. I’ll be leaving soon for “Peter”‘s city, theoretically. I feel like canceling. What if my uncle has been looking forward to seeing me? That’s one anxiety. What if what if what if. A lot of the anxiety is stemming from the fact that I’m breaking my own rule. See, originally, TODAY was when I was headed to “Peter’s” city. We were going to see another of the films of the festival. Only that plan has been cancelled. Music Night was added last night. And instead there is a plan for tonight for heading to the beach. But tomorrow is another film. I have nothing against staying over there three nights in a row. There are no negatives for me, only positives. However, it’s a break in my rules and I’m finding myself very disturbed.

Maybe I should cancel and go home? At home, I would make the food for tonight and leftovers for tomorrow’s lunch. At “Peter’s”, we would assumedly be making the food and then going to the beach? No, there is not time for both. That could be adding to the anxiety. It doesn’t add up, does it. How can I get there by 6:45p, shop for some groceries, make food for tonight and tomorrow (7:15 have shopped, 8:30 have cooked?). Yeah, the numbers don’t add up. Shit.

Okay, I just wrote him, along with my meal plan. Carrots, green beans, brussels sprouts, probably chicken, maybe quinoa. He thinks it sounds delicious. I’m still super anxious, so it’s mostly worry about my uncle that’s eating me alive on the inside right now. *DEEP BREATH* I have to write him. | Okay, I have now written to and heard back from my uncle, and all’s well.

***UPDATE X2*** So the evening actually got a bit stressful! First of all, it was wonderful. We went grocery shopping and I wasn’t thinking clearly but managed to pick up some random ingredients. My recipes weren’t going to work because some of the ingredients didn’t look very good in the store, so I got other, random vegetables and such. I got some super fucking exciting news but I don’t know if I’m ready to share it online yet.

Cooking went all right but ran very long because I was so ill-prepared, had been unable to pull together any sort of plan, and depended on “Peter” for way too much of the executive functioning thinking stuff. I got overwhelmed. I should, next time, only offer to be responsible for a single side-dish. Start smaller.

It ran very late. “Peter” was cooking a chicken in the oven but it ran much longer than he expected. I was exhausted. At some point, I did make myself 2 PBJs to bring for lunch today (and an orange). And I have some rice cakes at the work place, and work has peanut butter, so I can make something edible out of that if I get hungry. Anyway, something stressed me that I did but hadn’t meant to do (too long to explain). So I felt really stressed. I even played a song off my phone then, to help ground me (“Stay With My Brother” by The Botticellis). I played it really quietly for myself, three times through and then was calmer and “Peter” started to play piano for a bit.

Exit building BEFORE tweeting about the fire

Exit building BEFORE tweeting about the fire

We went to bed. Everything was good. I slept like a rock until “Peter” got up in the middle of the night and went to the kitchen, where I then heard his roommate. They were there for a while. I wanted to care and I also wanted to sleep, so I didn’t get up. Eventually, I heard his roommate say something in a somewhat upset voice about there being no fire detector in the fucking apartment and something or other, and then he left. I didn’t hear anything else said.

So I finally asked what had happened. It turns out that “Peter” had left a pot of water with chicken bones on the stove, boiling it for a broth, and all of the water had evaporated (I didn’t know there was something boiling on the stove or I wouldn’t have been able to fall asleep). So his roommate had smelled something and investigated, and the kitchen was full of smoke. And there were no fire alarms or detectors. So that is very unsafe!!!!! I think his roommate is going to contact the landlord about it today.

“Peter” was upset because his roommate was upset and because it was his mistake, and they hadn’t really gotten to discuss it before his roommate left to sleep at his workplace for the night. I wasn’t upset because I was too tired to be upset. So we had the windows open and fan running, trying to get the smoke and smell out. He was scrubbing the burned pot. We took a journey to bring the compost down to the building’s compost area. I never looked at a clock; it’s easier for me to feel rested if I’m unaware of the time in the middle of the night.

Eventually, we went back to sleep. Today’s Mood Ranking: 3-5-7  (3 from the sudden, intense anxiety before I left work; 7 was only for a short while, after I heard such majorly exciting news)

Log: Apr 18 + 19 (Sat + Sun)

Apr 18 (Sat): Tree planting or lake cleanup?? 9:00a – 2:00p

Apr 19 (Sun): Unknown; must rest and catch up on some chores

“Peter” and I chose the tree planting and we worked hard. We had to pull up a lot of asphalt again, with a pick. My legs (thighs) were quite sore for the bike ride back home. We cooked a lunch, very carefully and cleaned up very carefully afterward (my uncle is in cleaning mode). It seems like we went out walking but I can’t recall where to at the moment [update: we went to a beautiful lake]. He stayed over. I should have taken pain medicine; I didn’t sleep well until after 6a. We slept in.

We woke up kind of late, got prepped for the day, went up to make breakfast, was told the kitchen was off-limits (cleaning mode), so we went walking to find food. We settled on a pizza place that was surprisingly bland although I’ve eaten there before. But then, bland is fine for me, typically.

Kitty wants attention

Kitty wants attention; I want my keypad back 🙂

We left the area. We went to his city. We did some errands like picking up detergent. He did some computer work and I did my budgeting and then tried to log in to my Accounting Course online, but their entire site is down!! So then I looked up the laws of this state to see what is required to get a CPA and the requirements are amazingly complex. It’s not as easy as taking 8 Accounting courses and getting a certificate, as I had mistakenly thought. So now I’m back to looking for colleges that wouldn’t be too expensive for me to join. It’s going to take a face-to-face school for this much schooling. There’s no chance I could manage it all online. 8 courses, I thought maybe I had a chance. But the real-life requirements are so much more, soooo much more.

Anyway, I took 1mg of clonazepam to help me sleep and it worked. I slept soundly for the entire night (ironically, he didn’t; I wonder why; I’m self-centered enough to be sure it was something I was doing in my sleep, since I have a history of spinning, kicking, kneeing, and nose-whistling). But he said no. Oh, well.

Life is good as is. Stay this way for another couple of days, please. Don’t all fall apart yet. Just stay this way. Let me make my plans for schooling. Let me get settled into them. Then you can fall apart and I’ll still have a future. But “Peter” inspires me to want to make this all happen right now. I could really do it. I don’t really expect him to stay long-term. I do have strengths. I know that I do. But do they outweigh the weaknesses, in his eyes? Only he will find out. I need to keep on focusing on my strengths and strengthen them in my own eyes.

I hate low self-esteem. I hate it. I’m not the worst person in the world. Why can’t I be good enough for a good person? Weekend’s Mood Ranking: 4-(below 5 because of my insecurities coming out)

Log: Apr 3 (Fri)

Apr 3 (Fri): Therapy 9a (cancelled), Work 3:00p – 5:30p, Dinner event with “Peter” and his family (not a true Seder, but some Passover food) 6:30p @location

  1. If I go to work right now, I could get a little bit accomplished.
  2. Then perhaps my uncle would not kill me if I went to dinner tonight.
  3. My uncle might still kill me if I went to dinner tonight.
  • If I go to work and to dinner tonight, WOULD I HAVE ANY ENERGY FOR TOMORROW, WHEN MY PARENTS ARRIVE?
  • If I stay home today and tonight, and rest, WOULD MY MUSCLES AND STAMINA ATROPHY AWAY ANYWAY??? That is what usually happens to me when I don’t do much for a couple of days. I waste away quite quickly and lose 100% of my stamina.
Baby robin from years ago

Baby robin from years ago — he looks about how I feel right now. “MOOOOOOOOOOOOM!”

It sounds like I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I will die under one of these choices — my uncle will kill me if I go to dinner tonight. That much I know. I don’t think my doctor will kill me. She said to stay home for 3 days, but I think if she saw the ultra-serious type of mask I would wear onto the public transit system, she would be okay with it. I described the type to her during my appointment yesterday. They’re NIOSH N95 and tested to prevent TB spread when properly fit and all that. So I feel like I could keep the public safe from me if I do indeed have Whooping Cough (I’m not convinced, but the test will tell us within a few days). But, “Peter” also said he could get me a direct ride so I wouldn’t be on public transit to the dinner.

BUT which way will the exhaustion be worsened? That’s all I need to know now. If I stay and rest, will I be even more atrophied and have less stamina tomorrow? Or if I do a bit of work and attend dinner, will I exhaust myself even more for tomorrow?

HOW AM I GOING TO DECIDE. | Update. I literally asked my mom for help deciding! I’m going to go get showered and into clean, nice clothes, and then head to work for a short time (masked) and then to the dinner, only if they can get me back so I’m home by 9p. I’m going to drug myself into oblivion tonight (I checked with a local pharmacist who said it would be fine for me to take my clonazepam at night even with new drugs for this bug). I’m both coughing and feeling really excited now that I’m considering attending the dinner again.

Okay, I’ve gotten a tiny bit accomplished at work. There is just ONE task I NEED to complete before I leave this evening. I’m SO excited about the dinner tonight. I know I shouldn’t go. I’m not taking any mass public transportation today, btw, although admittedly I am going to be using taxi-like services with my mask on. “Peter’s” mom said she’d drive me home around 9-9:30p. If only I could focus on my ONE remaining task here at work. Just one, really challenging (focus-intense) task. Then I can wash the dishes and leave for the dinner. [Then come home and be murdered by my uncle for having stayed out whilst ill.]

Okay, I went to the dinner and I am glad. It was very interesting and I learned a lot. You guys don’t know but through my mother’s line, I am technically Jewish. I was not raised Jewish and know nothing about it. But this dinner was so interesting to me and also I enjoyed meeting “Peter’s” parents and their friend. It was delicious. And I fell in love with their two cats. Whenever I got very stressed during socializing, I was able to get a kitty to come to my fingers by my chair side and get pets. One even jumped onto my lap and layed down for a while. I loved it. They drove me home afterward and “Peter” stayed over. I took a very high (for me) dose of clonazepam to ensure sleep (1.5mg). I slept. YAY. Today’s Mood Ranking (still subject to change as the day progresses): 5-5.5-6

blah

Flower

Flower

I don’t feel able to write again. I’m making myself try anyway. I tried last night as well, but eventually gave up and have deleted the draft. There’s something weighing heavily on me; something I am very worried about, and it stops me from being able to write. I don’t know what it is that I’m so worried about, or I’d write about it.

But anyway. So The Move happened yesterday. Along with much unpacking. Today was the same — more unpacking. Very stressful, very tired. And I will not sit with the two printers in my cubicle. I don’t know how to fight it but I’ll keep trying if it comes up again. The ventilation is not that good. [OCD contamination breathing STRESS]

What else? Oh. I finally seemed to have peed in my sleep again [previous post on this topic]. And I became wide awake around 5:30a from a terrible, terrible nightmare. Ex-related again. Why do dreams with him in them have to be so terrible and fear-invoking? That’s not proportionally fair. We lived five years together just fine. And he never tried to hurt me in any way, until the very, very end, and that was not physical hurt. Tell it to my dreams because my brain needs to knock this off. (Although truth be told, I’d rather have these than dreams that made me miss him and be conflicted and full of self hate and self doubt and all that.)

What more? I’m just done, socially. I’m being very prickly. I’m trying to keep myself isolated as much as I can, even at work right now. It’s gotten too overwhelming with everything going on and all the people in and out. Everyone’s been really nice. There’s been some social stress, though. What to say for which people, how to keep on people’s good sides enough that they won’t shut down on me when I present things to them. All kinds of balancing and some walking on egg shells. That’s just me, though. I’m just so done. This is my 2nd night of self-isolating, granted I was upstairs until I started to get lectured again.

My love and respect for them has not diminished but I’m noticing a pattern in myself that I don’t want to allow. More and more, you lecture me. More and more, I respond in a childish, quick, defensive manner. I can’t have that. I can’t go backwards in adult behavior. It’s pissing me off, seeing it happen. I even snapped back at work yesterday, (“I **AM** getting it…”) whine, whine, whine. Child.

That isn’t me and I’m not going to allow that to seep into me.

Once I’ve found a new health insurance, I’m going to take my $725/month that I currently spend on health insurance and I’m going to look around for a place nearby where I can be a roommate / housemate with people closer to my own age. I need to be respected and treated as an adult, not a child.

You have been a godsend, a blessing, a respite, a safe place. But I don’t want to come to resent myself or you. I am not a child. I can’t have my every movement in this house placed under a microscope any more. How I eat is bothering you, how I watch TV is bothering you, if I leave stuff around by accident, it bothers you, my time of day bothers you, WHAT I eat (or what I don’t eat, in the case of beef) bothers you. If I say I slept wrong and my neck feels kinked, you call me a hypochondriac. It’s getting really, really intense. Like I can’t make a movement without getting judged. Where I stand bothers you. It’s just about everything right now.

Granted it’s a really stressful time and also granted I CAN be really freaking annoying. And granted that I do believe in the old saying, “familiarity breeds contempt.” Which is why I’m spending my evenings hidden in my room this week. Social isolation for myself + the hope that my absence will make the future easier.

::prickles::

UPDATE: Please don’t mistake me for being depressed at present. It’s not that. I’m just tired and stressed. But I actually feel extremely stable right now. And quite upbeat about some things.