An update! Oceans, flights, hikes, conflict, beauty, and change

Well, it is time for an update! I have no clue when was the last time I updated this blog. But it’s well past time for an update. And, let’s have some ORDER around here! Bulleted list time:

Canada goose butt

The elegance of a feeding Canada goose

  1. I am suddenly distracted by a conversation happening downstairs. I will try my best to tune it out. I do not travel to other countries, so I have no reason to eavesdrop on how to make a phone service work in other countries, or buying other SIM cards, etc. No clue. Tune it out.
  2. School! Well. It was going very well until this current class. And now, HALT! I am scraping through chapters like a slug trying to complete a marathon in the rain. Hey, we’ll get there eventually. But I’ve blown my timeline.
    1. THE WORST, for me, is that I lost my Student Mentor! He got transferred to a different department. I got assigned a new one and I find myself feeling depressed while on the phone with her. She wants me to make sure I’m going for the right major for me, considering I have no interest in Accounting, kind of hate it, and fear and am bad at Math. She doesn’t understand that I am taking this horse to the end of the river. It doesn’t matter that I don’t want to be going through this river crossing. It’s the way to get there. It’s not my favorite way. I’d rather we have gone up over a mountain ridge instead. But I’m here in the horrible, dangerous river crossing that’s going to take years, but my horse is willing and I’m going to stick it out. Because, I’m not exactly young and not getting any younger, and I have no direction other than this, and I’m sticking to it, dammit.
  3. I quit the psychologist I was seeing for a while there. We never really clicked and like I’ve written sometime before, we had a serious issue come up that was never resolved and it was terribly awkward and I realized he doesn’t understand me and won’t understand me and I could never trust him again and wasn’t getting to where I wanted to be, so that’s done.
  4. My boyfriend and I are going to couples therapy now! We had our second appointment today and I really think this lady is wonderful! I feel as though she really knows the topic (couples and conflict and resolution). We had homework from Session 1 and it was helpful. This week, we have even more homework, and I’m kind of excited about some of it! ūüôā I was so excited during the appointment, when we were talking about ideas for reducing grocery store tensions, that I almost started crying tears of joy. …P.S. I am experiencing some insane PMS yesterday & today! Whew. Talk about eyes tearing up.
  5. Which is nice. Because all of that screwing around with my thyroid doses has given me Dry Eyes to the point where my eye doctor wants me to be on prescription eye stuff. In lieu of that, I’m to use Blink for very dry eyes multiple times a day. You know you have dry eyes when you put in a few drops of that stuff and feel like you’ve reached some kind of Heaven and kind of want to just keep dropping the stuff into your eyes, like a continuous stream. aaaaahhh bliss.
  6. I’m considering going back to the city college. I would take a specific Accounting class that I need to take for the online school but have a lot of concerns about. I think taking it in person first will give me a lot more confidence. Also, I could go back to weight lifting and jogging for my other credits. Then, I would qualify as an Accounting Tutor again, which would be so great. I loved doing that. It just pays so pathetically.
  7. But my stress over money is reaching extreme danger levels. I applied to a local job last week but I hadn’t seen the posting for 9 days and they’d already filled it. But they offered to keep my resume on file for the next opening, which was pretty nice of them. Man, I would have loved that job. I was so excited. I re-wrote my entire resume, which takes a lot of internal energy.
  8. Clouds in blue sky

    Clouds and Blue

    I am in love with walking along the water, even with so many people and chaos and the birds and the seals and more birds and the water and the breeze…. aahhhhh… Lovely. So I go out there a lot now to study in a coffee shop near the water. I focus much better there than I do at home, which I get distracted and do things like laundry and read about tidying and stuff. ūüôā

  9. Goodnight! 1/2 dose of clonazapam kicked in a while back and I’m in a very happy, content haze at the moment. I hate to ever lose this feeling but I can hardly see straight due to my exhaustion (I haven’t been sleeping well for two weeks)
  10. Not since I got to spend so much time with my parents and my beloved dog. ‚̧ I’ve had insomnia of epic proportions ever since then.
  11. I have been practicing music more frequently. Yay.
  12. I need to and would like to do a bunch of garden weeding.
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Squirrel

Squirrel

Well, here I go. I’ll be away from the computer for a couple of weeks. I spent the entire day yesterday attempting to pack but it was overwhelming. Executive function for the … not win. Came in 200th, perhaps?

Anyway, I found a group of people that plays Pok√©monGO, so when I get back, I’ll be able to meet up with more people for the level 4 raids. Very exciting. Real, human people. I met them the other day and they gave me a plushie Pok√©ball because they had extra. I like this. They had a bag of battery packs on the ready in case anyone needed one. They’re prepared.

I need to stop picking at my acne. Bandaids are in play. The pictures are going to look awful.

One main issue outstanding: I never signed the paperwork over for my pony. If I die on this trip, there will be some contention over ownership, and that’s not what I want. I should at least write a non-legally-binding letter letting people know my intention to transfer her my pony.

Everything else? If I die, I don’t believe there is anything else that would be difficult to clear up. So, I just need to write out my letter of intention and I’ll be good to go on this trip with perhaps lighter shoulders.

Cheers, all.

Log: Jun 23 – 29 (Tue – Mon) Grandma’s Death and a Bar Mitzvah

Jun 23 (Tue):¬†@ Grandma’s
Jun 24 (Wed):¬†@ Grandma’s
Jun 25 (Thu):¬†@ Grandma’s
Jun 26 (Fri): Fly back from Grandma’s by 10a;¬†Fly¬†to Peter’s cousin’s place¬†at night
Jun 27 (Sat):¬†Peter’s cousin’s bar mitzvah
Jun 28 (Sun): Peter’s cousin’s place; Fly back home in afternoon
Jun 29 (Mon):¬†Work 9:30a – 5:30p;¬†Go to Uncle’s after work

Tue, Wed, Thu: With my grandma, my mom, two aunts, two uncles, and a cousin (briefly). I’m not posting TW’s because I think the title is clear: I was there again because my grandma was dying. I was there for my own sense of closure and saying goodbye as well as wanting to commiserate with my family and be of any support for them as possible. I suppose I won’t go into too much detail here but hospice was involved so we were able to help take away Grandma’s pain and take care of her there at my aunt’s house. My grandma was much more at peace there, and always surrounded by love. Some family issues came up; two siblings had a pretty severe blow-up and might not speak with each other for many years to come. Let me rewind. Also, my aunts and uncles helped me to pick out an outfit for the upcoming Bar Mitzvah, because I left all of my formal clothes back Home (with my parents¬†and dog). I talked to my grandma or just sat near her, and each day I played some gentle piano music for her. She was in a state similar to a coma but not quite; she did respond in certain ways when we would talk to her and stroke her arm or forehead. Her eyes would blink although closed, and her mouth would close, and her breathing would steady a little. She could definitely hear us although there is no way of knowing what she could comprehend; the hospice nurses said her brain was also starting to shut down.

Fri: Left there in the morning, flew back here. Leaving there was hard. I did not want to leave. I would not have left but for the $600 plane ticket that Peter had already purchased for me. So I did decide to leave. I said my goodbyes to Grandma on Thursday night and reinforced them again on Friday morning before leaving. She’s been basically in a coma or maybe a morphine-induced fog, but there were things I wanted to say. So then I flew. Got back here, napped and packed for my flight with Peter and his dad for Peter’s cousin’s Bar Mitzvah. We left that night.

Sat:¬†Arrived on Saturday morning. Met Peter’s paternal family. Everyone was nice. I rested a bit (hadn’t been able to sleep on the plane that night; my restless leg syndrome was being severe AND every time I started to nod off, I would jerk awake with horrible, horrible OCD intrusive thoughts). Then it was time to get dressed and ready for the Bar Mitzvah. It was really nice. I haven’t been to any before this, but I am sure it was a really nice one. The cousin’s speech was really interesting; I’d been afraid I wouldn’t be able to relate to it because I don’t know much about the religion, but he did a wonderful job and I felt very connected to what they were talking about. Of course, I didn’t know to expect a prayer/words¬†for those mourning loved ones’ deaths near the end, so I cried and had no tissue for my snotty nose. Afterward, the reception/ceremony was pretty amazing. There was an open bar and catered food that was really good. There was mandatory dancing and I liked that. Then Peter and I danced to many of the rest of the songs anyway, although neither of us knows any dance moves. So we basically were just shuffling our feet in random ways, but it was fun. I hope a relative sends a picture so I can show my parents (pictures were allowed during this part). They’d LOVE to have seen it.

Sun:¬†So, we left Sunday, early afternoon, after they had a bunch of family photos taken and more chatting and celebration. I got to talk with more, very nice relatives. Peter was asked to play piano for ambiance again. Then we had to leave. Flew back, said goodbye to Peter’s dad, dropped off our stuff at Peter’s place and went out to eat dinner. It was really good food. Then went to a store for a couple of supplies and that’s when my mom called me that my grandma had passed away.

She had been without food or water for a week already, and hardly eaten or drank for a long time before then. It hurts but at the same time, there was an element of relief for me. She died very peacefully, not like her husband, who struggled at the very end. My grandma’s breathing was becoming more infrequent and then at last she did not inhale again. She had waited until the family was back from a walk and they were all with her, and I’m glad for that. But it’s hard not to be there with them now. But I cannot go back right now; a coworker was getting anxious about my absence because of a large, important report that he needs me to print + bind shortly. I was hoping he’d give it to me today and then I could consider leaving again later in the week, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen today.

I had¬†worried so long, SO, SO long, about how my mom would not be able to live on without her mom. I thought she’d be lost forever once her mom died. But it turns out, and so I think I needed to have been there and seen with my own eyes, my mom¬†will pull through this. I saw it. She even helped with some of the night shift medicating. Reality turns into the New Norm and she is adjusting to it. I imagine it helped her too, to see Grandma during this stage of her decline. So there was this chance to see and to adjust and to live differently. I underestimated her. I guess we will all adjust to the New Norms as they happen, and I needn’t have worried so much for so many years. We deal. We handle it. We let our mental expectations change as the reality changes. We adapt.

Mon: I woke up in a pretty severe, serious mood. No joking, just taking everything very serious and saying very serious things. In contrast, I think Peter woke up in a light mood, and our conversation this morning was confusing and I’ve already written him for further clarification. I’m at work. I briefly saw my uncle. I’m going to go to his place after work today, and I’m going to watch a stupid movie with him (we’ve already planned it). He was one of the siblings involved in the blow-out and there are certain topics we’ll avoid discussing, but I’ll be glad to be with him. I talked with my mom for a while last night when she called to tell me the news about Grandma, and then I called my dad and talked with him for a while, although he and I mostly talked about my dog. I needed to talk with family. I texted with my brother some, too. ‚̧

UPDATE: I’ve been in a shitty, shitty mood all day today. I’ve just gone on a 2+ mile walk in the sun and I’m STILL in a shitty, shitty mood. That’s how bad it is.

Poem: Home

Now is the time.
When time lasts forever.
How can I stay
suspended.
Leave you behind.
And a smile.
You’d be fine by my side
But I’m alone here.
Gladness
in my heart.

With wings to hold me
And air to keep me here.
With silver streams of light
Warming my eyes
Reflecting streaks on the window.

I’m home.

–innerdragon

Pre-Log: Apr 4 – Apr 8 (Sat – Wed)

Apr 4 ‚Äď Apr 8¬†(Sat ‚Äď Wed): Bicycling trip with family and friends

EEEXXXCCCCIIIIIITTTTEEEEEMMMMEEEEEENNNNTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!
Mom helped me compile the following list. But oddly, she’s going on a walk now and I am on my own for the packing. Which is hilarious. Did somebody miss the executive function post of mine? LMAO. If you guys have somehow missed out, organizing shit together is like death-worthy. I’ll do my best. It’s just a ridiculous expectation.

What I need to bring:

  • Bathroom
    • Meds
      • Zyrtec
      • Morning meds
      • Iron
      • Antibiotic
      • Aleve
      • clonazepam/lorazepam
    • Toothbrush
    • Toothpaste
    • Hairbrush
    • Nail clippers
    • Menstrual items
  • Clothing
    • Outer gear (rain coat)
    • Regular clothes
      • Sleep clothes
      • Under garments
        • 2 bras
        • 5 underwear
        • 5 socks
      • Shirts
        • 3 t-shirts
        • 2 sweatshirts
        • 1 vest
      • 2 Jeans
      • 1 Shorts
    • Shoes
      • Hiking shoes
      • Sandals
    • Swimsuit
  • Music
    • Recorders
    • Music
  • Equipment for bikes
    • Bike bags
    • Spare tube
    • Lock + chain
  • Daypack
    • Camera + charger
    • Phone + charger
    • Purse + ID
    • Water holder
    • Electrolytes
  • Food
    • Granola bars
    • Trail mix

I’ll be gone for a few days, all!!! Best wishes to you guys and I’ll touch in when I’m back!!!

GUESSTIMATED MOOD RANKING: 5-7