Sometimes, I hate everything

Sometimes, I hate everything. Sometimes, I think things are great. Then BOOM. Kaboom. Crash. Explosions. Hatred and resentment.

And I DON’T trust that you have my best interests in mind. Then what.

You could have just TOLD me in the first fucking place, you know? So I don’t just grow more and more upset as the night goes on. So I don’t start building resentment and eventually explode and make a fool of myself yet again when I find out what’s actually going on. Why you don’t just fucking TELL me?

Communication sucks.

Sometimes, I hate people. I just hate people.

What I know is true is that since my divorce years ago, I find myself unable to forgive. Unable to stop suspecting the worst about people. Never letting my guard actually down.

You can be innocent but I will believe guilty until proven otherwise. Except, there is no proof that I’ll accept.

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Pure and utter shit

Damn. So following my last post, things were smooth. I mean, several days in a row were smooooth. I almost made myself post about them. Things were going so nicely. I love my new job. I’m staying caught up in one class.

Then boom. Sickness hits. It’s just a minor head cold. The sore throat (my trigger) passed within 24-ish hours, so very little panic and whatnot. Sniffles, no biggie. Cough, no chest pain. Post-nasal-drip during the night for several nights in a row, so hardly any sleep, terrible but survivable. Then I picked up some cold medicine and it let me sleep through the night for two nights, pretty much. I haven’t needed to use it again since then because although the cough & nose are still productive, it’s not that bad.

Slipping. I’m slipping. Emotionally. This other class happened last Saturday and again today. The time inbetween has … okay not been the best. This class has assigned papers and too many for a one-week period (I did… um 2. The short ones. The rest, are now officially overdue). Okay that could certainly be a trigger. My bf tried to tell me this but I refused to listen (i.e. I thought he was wrong and wasn’t listening to ME because I kept saying it’s just this damn cold and once I feel better, I’ll be on top of my stuff again). No, I should have listened. It’s was a big, motherfucker trigger.

So now? My energy has been leaving more and more every day. It’s this goddamn virus, I swear it is. I checked last night too — I took anti-anxiety medicine just in case that would clear things up and I’d be able to focus on the paper. But no, it didn’t help.

Mono. If any of you have had mono before, that is how I’ve been feeling lately. Like I have the energy level I had back when I had mono. In other words, capable of going about some zombie resemblance of a day and then CRASH. NOTHING left. NO words, NO thought, NO movement. I felt like my body was dying.

But it wasn’t truly until today that shit is hitting. It is hitting me. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong, altogether. I walked myself to the ER tonight. I didn’t check in; I just paced in the ER for maybe twenty minutes. I texted with “Joe” from last year. I feel like he’s the only one in my life who is capable of showing sympathy/empathy in the way that I can “feel” so I told him I was in a really bad spot and he listened and asked me what had me so triggered, and that’s the first time I was thinking about it rationally. Like in the sense of triggers. Of course this class with assigned papers is a trigger. Of course the pressure to maintain my straight-A’s from last semester is too much for me. Of course the new job of tutoring and this guy who seems to have a crush on me (but I’ve made it very clear that I have a boyfriend and am not looking) and other students who come in and out and some of them I’m able to help confidently and others it is a real struggle but I am really enjoying that job.

But things with me and my bf are so rough right now. We’re not communicating well and it’s mostly me because I am making things weird and being really touchy. I don’t want advice about it, please — I wish to share what’s happening in my life, but please take it for what it is — I am just sharing — not seeking advice on my relationship. I need to get my head straight again.

I wanted to cut tonight. I don’t know what’s been up. My head is in and out of reality today, this virus, the fog in my brain, reality and dissociation. I was walking to the ER and I looked both ways to cross the street and let my mind ponder, because I had started to cross first without looking, I mean the hand sign was green and all that, but of course the small, old voice was there, telling me that if a truck just happened to be coming at me, that would be perfectly fine.

As if nothing matters? I knew something was going wrong this week because I stopped flossing my teeth four days ago. That only happens at the start of a a terrible depressed episode.

But I am determined that I am going to get my head on straight, get healed from this awful, energy-sucking virus, and go to a fucking therapist/counselor. I’m thinking of going to the free ones at school this week — I don’t know how good they are but I think it would help to get to talk with someone.

I hadn’t finished talking about how I’m affecting my relationship negatively — I’m so insecure this week, I am positive he is about to break up with me, against all signs. I can’t stand myself, so I’m assuming he can’t stand me and wants me gone. Or is about to want me gone and just doesn’t know about it yet. So I’m interpreting everything poorly, and looking scared this week, and he’s started to be weirded out by it. And I am fighting the urge at every moment to ask, “Do you still like me? Should I leave?” As if my life depends on him liking me? Of course it doesn’t, but it’s still eating at me this week, because of this insecurity and all of this SHIT that’s engulfing my head about me being a yuck person and blah blah blah. What the hell triggered this??? Was it something at work? Was it the terrible, terrible class that I’m now overdue in with several papers? Did it make me feel like a failure and I’m shifting that feeling into my personal life?

I walked back from the ER and the sky was still clear and the weather perfect. I came back in, bf said hi but was still watching some TV news with his mom, so I went out back and hung out on the back porch and chatted for a minute with a neighbor who is somewhere around my age. Mostly I just stared up at the sky and asked God[] to please let my breath be used by someone who is more stable than I. Someone more deserving. Then I did stop and wonder, am I feeling like I’m undeserving because I’m not emotionally stable? That it makes me less deserving of a human? That’s not very fair or nice. So I begged, Please empty out this shell of body and use it for something worth while.

It would be nice.

Log: Apr 18 + 19 (Sat + Sun)

Apr 18 (Sat): Tree planting or lake cleanup?? 9:00a – 2:00p

Apr 19 (Sun): Unknown; must rest and catch up on some chores

“Peter” and I chose the tree planting and we worked hard. We had to pull up a lot of asphalt again, with a pick. My legs (thighs) were quite sore for the bike ride back home. We cooked a lunch, very carefully and cleaned up very carefully afterward (my uncle is in cleaning mode). It seems like we went out walking but I can’t recall where to at the moment [update: we went to a beautiful lake]. He stayed over. I should have taken pain medicine; I didn’t sleep well until after 6a. We slept in.

We woke up kind of late, got prepped for the day, went up to make breakfast, was told the kitchen was off-limits (cleaning mode), so we went walking to find food. We settled on a pizza place that was surprisingly bland although I’ve eaten there before. But then, bland is fine for me, typically.

Kitty wants attention

Kitty wants attention; I want my keypad back 🙂

We left the area. We went to his city. We did some errands like picking up detergent. He did some computer work and I did my budgeting and then tried to log in to my Accounting Course online, but their entire site is down!! So then I looked up the laws of this state to see what is required to get a CPA and the requirements are amazingly complex. It’s not as easy as taking 8 Accounting courses and getting a certificate, as I had mistakenly thought. So now I’m back to looking for colleges that wouldn’t be too expensive for me to join. It’s going to take a face-to-face school for this much schooling. There’s no chance I could manage it all online. 8 courses, I thought maybe I had a chance. But the real-life requirements are so much more, soooo much more.

Anyway, I took 1mg of clonazepam to help me sleep and it worked. I slept soundly for the entire night (ironically, he didn’t; I wonder why; I’m self-centered enough to be sure it was something I was doing in my sleep, since I have a history of spinning, kicking, kneeing, and nose-whistling). But he said no. Oh, well.

Life is good as is. Stay this way for another couple of days, please. Don’t all fall apart yet. Just stay this way. Let me make my plans for schooling. Let me get settled into them. Then you can fall apart and I’ll still have a future. But “Peter” inspires me to want to make this all happen right now. I could really do it. I don’t really expect him to stay long-term. I do have strengths. I know that I do. But do they outweigh the weaknesses, in his eyes? Only he will find out. I need to keep on focusing on my strengths and strengthen them in my own eyes.

I hate low self-esteem. I hate it. I’m not the worst person in the world. Why can’t I be good enough for a good person? Weekend’s Mood Ranking: 4-(below 5 because of my insecurities coming out)

Sex: An Old Bitterness (“O”) From just one female’s perspective.

[I cannot sleep although I’m exhausted; I am still stressed out from the party, which went fine, and I’m in a lot of pain from head to toe, and have a somewhat upset stomach from something I ate that had a lot of spices in it.]

I didn’t want to be too graphic in my title but this post is going to be about intercourse and male and female orgasms from past memories (very bitter and female slant) and I’m placing a cut here so that if you’re uncomfortable with this topic, you can happily skip it!  Continue reading