Weaning off Lexapro: Days 87, 88

Deep blue sky, white, distinct clouds, green leafed tree

Stark contrast

Meds:

  • 5mg Lexapro, normal thyroid meds
  • Multivite, swallowable
  • Exercise: Walking, tiny bit of jogging
  • SLEEPING SCHEDULE OFF
  • EATING SCHEDULE OFF

Symptoms:

  • IRRITABILITY
  • PERSEVERATING LIKE MAD
  • YEARNING / ANGST
  • HOMESICK
  • Blood sugar off kilter

Journal Items:

  1. The most important issue is the sleep schedule. My bf had to stay up past 2 a.m. a few nights ago in order to finish some time-important work. I was up past midnight before I finally fell asleep. That really messed me up. Now I’m sleeping in late and going to bed late.
  2. Food. Missing meals, not eating fruits and veggies. Blood sugar thrown so far off that I had to drink a diabetic shake at midnight last night to stop the shaking that had started.
  3. I’m sad. I want to cry. I’m hurt. (Update: The feeling is separate from the following paragraph. The following paragraph is 1 thing I’m allowing to fall into the hurt category, my feeling hurt is its own thing, without a cause. It’s chemicals flooding my body and finding whatever they can to feel hurt about. I type only one example below):
    1. (I’m hurt about what some other Pokémon Go players are saying about people who ask for help to get kicked out of a gym in order to get their coins. They call people like me selfish and entitled. I find it hurtful and I don’t want to play anymore. I’m going to cheat the rules now and start a new account so I can take my own damn self out of the gyms w/o asking for help, since that is so publically judged.)
  4. I’m perseverating on things. A LOT. It’s hard to break the mind loops. OCD intrusive thoughts are strong right now.
  5. Schoolwork is going slowly. So slowly. I’m set up with a tutor now, and also an Instructor. But that won’t be for several days. In the meantime, I just have to try and keep plodding through it.
  6. My dreams at night are nice. I am back with my horse. I’m doing training. I’m with my parents and my dog. I wake up and it’s all gone. My horse is sold and I don’t know if I’ll ever have another horse. My parents are far away and plane tickets are very expensive. My dog is so, so far away. He’s about 14 years old. Okay, now I’m crying.
  7. This is not an easy phase of medication withdrawal. I don’t like it. I’m going to hang out at this dose for at least a month. I don’t care how long it takes. I won’t go down any more until I stabilize. It scares me that there are still 2 more steps down until zero Lexapro, and that final step is said to be the worst of them all.
  8. I feel different today. Like something is going to change. This happens sometimes. It feels empowering and huge and like something major is going to be fixed or my life is going to go into a different direction (Update: I wrote it in passive-tense but that’s not what I mean. I mean it feels like I AM ABOUT TO FORCE A MAJOR CHANGE). Usually, I get very depressed soon after this feeling, which is ironic but. That’s historically what happens.
  9. I am allowing myself to listen to this song on repeat all day today: https://youtu.be/pFptt7Cargc Amen. ❤ ❤ ❤
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Weaning off Lexapro: Days 8 + 9

Blue sky with white, streaky cloud in late afternoon, with ocean water on a bit of sand

Two years ago-ish, which is hard to believe

8th Day:

  • 15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • fish oil, mulit-vite
  • minimal exercise (walking)

9th Day:

  • 15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • Update: fish oil

Symptoms:

  • I am still SO TIRED. It is less than 2 days ago, but still very bad. It’s not lack of sleep (although it could be lack of REGULAR schedule)
  • Not in a very talkative mood, which is hard since my schedule involves A LOT of human interaction last week/this week
  • My fingertips are kind of tingly, like very mild zappies
  • Update: Cranky / IN A SECRETIVE MOOD

Additional:

  1. So my partner is injured as of late, and can’t walk without assistance. I think that has hampered my own exercising. Perhaps I should go out on a bicycle ride right now.
  2. Listen, Friday night, dinner with bf and friend. Sat. night dinner with bf, his folks, and their friends. Sun. night dinner with bf, my brother, his gf, and his friends. Tonight, dinner with bf and his parents. And I’ve had NO PRIVACY FOR A WEEK. You don’t have to know me super well to know that I’m trying to withdraw into a dark cave but people find me there anyway.
  3. And, I’m doing this withdrawing from Lexapro thing. And I’m not really sure it’s going well, with how damn tired I am and withdrawn from wanting to talk to anybody.
  4. Plus, it’s Christmas time. Hanukkah is celebrated here, and Christmas, in a way. My mom sent me a box but it made me kind of sad because I could tell she put in a lot of things that she hoped bf’s parents would like. I always open her box in private, hoping it’s something special between the two of us, but since I’ve been living here, it’s always like jams and stuff that she hopes bf’s folks will like. I only like 2 kinds of jam and I buy them from a store and nobody else likes them so they’re just mine. I’ll talk to her about it at some point, but I don’t want it to be right now because then she might feel guilty for the box, and I don’t want that. I put it off last year, too, and then forgot to ever bring it up, and now we’re in this situation again.
  5. Not as if it’s the same as being there. We always ski together on Christmas day. That’s our family thing. We have breakfast together and then we ski.
  6. I’ve been studying better again lately, so now I’m less sure about my plan for next semester (going back to the city college, working again as a tutor, etc.)
  7. Nope, I can’t go bicycling now. They want to watch more Dirk Gently and will go insane if I postpone it because it’s already been postponed every day for a week.
  8. I’ll lift some little weights instead. And do some crunches. And a push-up, if I’m strong enough.
  9. “Next year” I’ll do my own Christmas celebrations. It’s just never the same as you get older, you know? You have traditions as a child. Then you grow up and everyone else’s traditions interfere with your own. I’m lacking the “quiet reflection” part of it, and the connection with the outdoor, natural world (as if there’s such a thing here in a city??? Fuck)
  10. Update: Thinking of positive things I’ve experienced that any potential child of mine could never, ever experience, like the being put on the shuttle for hours by one set of relatives and ending up at the other end with another set of relatives. But in the meantime, spending all of those hours to myself, listening to my walkman and watching out the window, and day dreaming. But my relatives aren’t spread in such a way for that to work, anymore.

Comic: Not this process again (Comic#050)

Reverting from adult to child

Reversion

Hmm. I can’t figure out how to make this image click-able so you can see it blown up to full size (older pics of mine are still click-able). Perhaps it’s the theme I’m using. Maybe I’ll try switching to a different theme.
*UPDATE*: I fixed it! I had already tried two new themes before discovering what was different about this one compared with older ones that worked as links. I’m staying with a new, more open-feeling theme anyway.

Poem: Happy Father’s Day

I don’t want to be apart from those I love
Any longer.
Homesickness comes in waves
They spread in and expand
The foam pops and crackles.

I don’t want to live away from those I love
Anymore.

I MISS you. I’ve been missing you too much
For days
The feeling has been hard to bear.

To clarify, I’ve been on an emotional
Rollercoaster
Which gradually inched its way uphill
But fell from the track, straight down
Free fall.

But now you’ve tripped
Stumbled
Fallen
Getting stitches in your swollen lip
And a CAT scan of your head
And few memories,
Again.

And I’m so far away.

I can’t give you a hug.
I can’t spend my every minute of every hour with you.

I want to be with you both again.